Kate
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After the first date you should always text and say thanks and you had a great time, if you want to see them again. If that text doesn’t happen, I.e. You hear nothing, that’s a red flag. Texting anything that makes you uncomfortable is another red flag. Anything in between is probably normal?
I can’t remember why or where we were talking about guys who fool you with their love-bombing tactics, but I think it was this thread… It made me remember the LoveFraud website. Anyway, this quick article is worth a read. 3% of adult males have antisocial personality disorder (are sociopaths), and it’s good to understand that this kind of OVER-attentiveness is a red flag. 3% doesn’t sound like a lot, but these guys get AROUND, often dating/scamming multiple women at once. And there’s a whole bunch of guys out there scamming lonely women on online dating sites too.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2016/06/20/6-reasons-why-sociopaths-seem-so-romantic-but-theyre-all-fake/
I did that too. It can be a really dangerous trap for many reasons.
I would tell him to journal it, not send it to you, and leave you alone. You don’t want any part of a guy like this.
Whoo, that looks juicy. The important thing to remember is it id unfortunately not uncommon to find out you’ve totally been lied to. And when you do, unless you have to testify in court, the only thing to do is completely distance yourself from the liar / user. 100% no contact with him, his gf, wife, mom, friends, kids, all social media, etc. otherwise you let yourself remain his victim in some way and you’re not free.
Also, there’s a website called lovefraud.com, “how to recognize and recover from sociopaths” that you might find helpful. I found it years ago when my neighbor was dating a true sociopath and scammer. He had done the same things to a large number of women and was finally exposed, and was in a news story and everything. I can’t remember all the details anymore but I recall he drove a Bentley. I would see it parked in our lot and be like who TF is living here and driving a Bentley? He needed it as a prop to look rich. And he had all these ways of scamming women out of money. All the while he’d be buying you a $25K engagement ring but because of some complication it had to go on your credit card, just temporarily.
This same woman, a very attractive, fit, late/30s divorcee, was dating yet ANOTHER sociopath, a classic control freak abuser, who was the head of our condo board. They got in horrible violent fights.
Anyway, web sites like this can be comforting and empowering because you gain knowledge and don’t feel so gobsmacked. I don’t know if your guy was a sociopath or what, but certainly a liar and a creep. By the way, “love bombing” in the early stages of a relationship is definitely a tactic that sociopaths use.
Here’s an example story:
Come to think of it, living in that condo taught me a lot about bad relationships. It was gut-rehabbed 2-bed 1-bath townhouses that attracted a lot of single professional women home buyers with dogs. And we’d all talk. I was in a bad relationship too. Another neighbor spent her entire adult life entangled in this on and off thing with her male “best friend” from college, who would spend a lot of time with her, hook up with her, and sometimes act like they were dating, but then he’d have a skinny, small-boobed girlfriend and tell my neighbor that was really his type (she was curvy with huge boobs). And guess what? Last I heard she was giving it another shot with him. Which didn’t work out. Again.
Sorry for the Melrose Place walk down memory lane…
I would not keep up a friendship with his partner. Even meeting her for that drink… I guess if getting the info from her helped you see more clearly or get closure, there might be some purpose in that, but you know you’ll be better off if you cut off all contact, including with her. You don’t want any part of that mess.
Yeah, that’s how it is in the first few months, and those breakups can hurt the worst because it’s all excitement and possibility. I can understand not being able to let go at this point. Based on what you wrote, I think he’s breaking up with you and trying to put it on you, but I know how hard it would be for you to take the lead and end it. that said, the things he said and the blaming you are really bad signs. The “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship” clinches it. And the hedging about getting together before his trip… It’s a breakup. But absolutely not your fault.
You didn’t ruin it, Lucia. He was always going to be the “bad at relationships, can’t give you what you want” guy. You just found out sooner by asking him. A normal healthy guy who was into you would either say, “yeah!” Or worst case, something more like, “I really like where this is going, I really like you, I just need a little more time.” Or you wouldn’t have had to ask him at all.
All that stuff about being bad at relationships and a drunk douche is a loud and clear warning that “I’ll just let you down.” I think the message is, I’m not gonna be a douche and end this, I’d rather you did that for me. Meanwhile I’ll see you if you want to and I have time, but I warned you that I suck, so don’t expect anything. The “this is your fault” is classic blame-shifting. Don’t fall for it.
Definitely make him talk first before you say anything. He called the meeting.
Ugh, maybe. Go into it neutral I guess, and see what he has to say.
