Kate
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I’m so sorry… The big problem here is that she’s got one foot out the door already and isn’t working with you at all. She’s said she wants to leave and explore other relationships. She is done. It would be different if she came to you as a partner and said look, I am feeling terribly unhappy, and I want to figure out how to fix it so we can move forward and be together and both be happy. And if you talked together and figured out the problems, or maybe with a therapist, right, or maybe she does therapy on her own, and you work on solutions together, like these are the things we’re going to do to fix this.
But that’s not the situation. You’re doing everything you can think of right now to try and fix what’s wrong, but you don’t really even know what’s wrong and you can’t fix it on your own. There’s not real communication going on here. I would recommend you go see a therapist on your own and figure out strategies to move through this next phase. You need to start communicating effectively and probably let her go. And figure out a way to co-parent effectively.
Again, I’m really sorry, but when a woman gets to this point, she’s done. It doesn’t sound like anything you did wrong, she just needs to figure her shit out. The way she’s handling this is bad.
Thank you Jean, that was beautiful.
It is Taco Tuesday, I’d have to go back to her old posts to confirm whether it’s exactly the same ip.
Ok yeah, confirmed.
Agree, you’ve never dated and only been exposed to porn. You believe that real life physical encounters will be like porn. They’re not. You should be focusing on making human connections IRL.
Pretty sure I know who this is too, but since the site changed I have to figure out how to use the admin password to log in and know for sure. But especially with your background (even just what you mentioned here), I do not think this would be a good idea. I think it’s really important to pursue real life dating experiences with regular people before doing something like this which has the potential to really mess you up emotionally.
But go for it if you want I guess. I don’t think you’re going to be in danger.
Ok, 100% your mom’s behavior is abusive. It may be exacerbated by mental health issues. But you have to understand that abusers can be loving and charming and fun in between episodes of abuse. And Wendy is right, like of course you haven’t learned how to be an independent adult when you’ve been raised by someone incapable of being a functioning adult herself. There could also be codependency going on as a result of the mental health issues and the whole extremely unhealthy dynamic. You need to listen to your therapist and understand that you can love your mom but not accept abusive behavior. You’re employable and have skills. You want to work on yourself, and get away from your mom. You could be using that $500 to rent a room with roommates maybe, or get another part time job to earn more money and afford rent. Focus on yourself and therapy and building a foundation for yourself. Your mom is a disaster and you don’t owe her shit. Boundaries, both emotional and physical, are what you need.
Btw I think that puberty episode was sexual abuse.
Having more date nights is good, but without solid communication to address the underlying reasons your partner would go on a date with a woman he met out of town, those issues are unresolved and it could happen again, or continue to happen.
Presumably he knew the boundaries before. A reasonable person knows that if you’re in a committed relationship it’s inappropriate to meet someone of the opposite sex and take them out for dinner and drinks. So what caused him to do that and tell you a story that didn’t really add up? Did you have a state of the relationship conversation to find out? Did you share your wants and needs with each other?
And his story, which is all you have to go on, has contradictions.
HE said SHE wanted to be friends. Okay. But a woman who wants to be friends and not cross boundaries does NOT initiate a kiss. A woman is only going to do that if she feels romantic attraction that’s reciprocal. She was seemingly getting cues from him that made her confident a kiss would be welcomed.
And then when you texted her and her response was “I’ll never text him again.” Ok, that doesn’t really fit the picture of her knowing he’s happily in a relationship and they are just friends. It reads a lot more like she didn’t know he was in a relationship at all, or she did but thought he was being discreet. If this was totally above board and just friendship, wouldn’t she tell you that?
You’d be a lot better off here trying to get to the bottom of what he’s thinking and feeling, and clearly communicating the same to him, as well as what you’re comfortable and not comfortable with, than sweeping this under the rug. Counseling would be a good idea.
I don’t know if being “good with everything” is the best stance in this situation. Your partner went on a date with a woman he met at a business hotel. That’s really a violation of normal healthy boundaries in a relationship and I think you’re conflating it with his right to have female friends. Sure, opposite-sex friendships are fine and appropriate. Buying drinks and dinner for a woman you met in a business hotel is not. And the things about the abusive relationship and the turning his face from the kiss sound like typical sort of damage control mitigation measures that people use in situations like this.
I don’t know if they slept together, probably not, but I think he was looking for something, some kind of connection that he isn’t getting. I think it would be a good idea to have a really in-depth conversation about the state of the relationship and whether needs are being met.
I’m not saying tell your niece her bf is probably engaged to someone else. I’m just telling you that’s a likely scenario.
She just needs to know that military is a tough life, this guy has decided it’s over for whatever reasons, and she should respect his request to cut contact.
Take her shopping!
Think about it though… I’m bad with geography but aren’t TX and NM not the same state and so your niece and this guy were using a lot of FaceTime and such. And that was okay when he was located in Texas but not when he’ll be located somewhere else, the most obvious explanation is someone is going to be with him.
Ron’s explanation isn’t impossible but context matters. Did he do the breakup very kindly and say it’s best for both of us if we go no contact to avoid hurting each other? Is he a kind and considerate guy? Did this not come completely out of the blue?
Another interpretation is that he’s become involved with someone else and can’t afford to have anyone FaceTiming or calling him. So ok, my HS bf joined the Air Force and was in Texas for basic and tech school. He was in dorms. At that time, he could have been dating other girls for all I knew, right? He could have gotten involved with a college student closer to him. But meanwhile he proposed to me and when he got stationed in Italy I was going to join him. Once we married, he could get off-base apartment housing. It could totally be something like this where the guy was cheating on a back-home gf or wife who’ll be joining him overseas. To my knowledge my ex was not doing anything like this, I’m just saying it tracks. Ron’s got the best possible interpretation that the guy was trying to be kind, but people who break up abruptly and say do not ever contact me are often trying to compartmentalize with another relationship.
