Forum Replies Created
guy, i think that the problem is not that you want/ed a family who all had the same name, the problem is that you only expect your wife to bend on that. if having a cohesive family name was *really* that important, you would have no problem changing your own name to make that happen. so really, its not about having a family with the same name, its just about going with tradition/getting your way/insert whatever reason here.
specifically to you, i can see why her changing her name to yours was a good compromise, if i am reading it right that you went catholic for her, and you will raise your kids catholic, always see her mom ect- those were things you bent on, so i think her bending on the name thing makes sense… but, again, overall, the problem is not wanting a cohesive family name, the problem is that the woman is always the one expected to do it. if it was the actual cohesiveness that was important, men would have no problem making other arrangements.
also, just as an aside, remember- the cohesive family thing you had “always dreamed of it being” was fed to you from an early age… and that is the only reason you want/ed it.
oh yea, regarding the family should have the same last name thing- my mom went back to her maiden name after she and my father divorced, and we went through suing a state to get them to issue me a birth certificate, applying over and over again for passport, applying over and over again for a social security number, completing the mountains of paperwork associated with all three of those things, and me going to private and public school and there was never any problems because she didnt have my last name.
fabelle- people like that annoy me because they think that only the white suburban family with a picket fence is a real family. families come in all different shapes and sizes and gasp- even different names. it doesnt make anyone any more or less of a family.
i wont be changing my name. i have no real attachments to it or anything either i just… dont want to? i dont see the need. its a hassle and i dont want to do it.
when i told jake about that, he didnt really like it. he did tell me that his family (who are small town people who dont understand when anyone does anything differently then tradition) would not be happy, and i said i didnt care. i think he was kind of mad about it for a little while until i explained to him that just because im not going to legally change my name doesnt mean ill be all OMG MY LAST NAME IS THIS I DIDNT NOT CHANGE MY NAME HOW DARE YOU ASSUME kind of crazy about it. i told him that if someone calls me mrs. whatever, i wont be mad about it. it just wont be my legal name, thats all. like, its almost a non-issue. and so once he figured out that it wasnt that i was all crazy on one feminist side, and that *i* didnt even think it was an issue, he stopped making it out to be an issue as well.
i definitely agree that to men this is a big issue, or at least, they think it is a big issue because they have been told it is a super big deal. but really, when you come down to it, its not a big deal at all. you change a name or you dont. then life goes on. it really doesnt effect things at some huge, important level. i mean, sometimes i feel like men think that if you dont take their name it will somehow invalidate your marriage license or something, you know? like its some really huge deal. but in reality, its not. and so that is the angle i would take when you try to talk to him. its just, really, not that big of a deal.
i remember when i quit my terrible job, the AMAZING feeling on my last day, walking out of the door… i just took a breath and i felt so much of my stress leave, and i thought, “i am literally never going to have to come back here… ever!!!”
i hope you get that!! it was awesome. congrats!
Through all the great advice I read on here everyday, I am able to help out other people I know better. I am CONSTANTLY saying, oh there was a letter like that on DW. you should read that website, its helped me so much! and then i take wendy’s advice and apply it to my friend and familys situations. i can remember one specific instance where a friend of mine texted me with, “is it bad that i want to show my boyfriend an engagement ring I found online but he doesnt want to get married yet and i dont want to pressure him?” I literally texted back, go on dear wendy and search for engagement letters. it will help you so much! i hope she did.
very specifically to me, wendy showed me that it is ok to be scared to get married. it is ok to be scared and excited and nervous about something so life changing all at the same time.
wendy has shown me that having a baby is a big deal, and hard work!
and finally, wendy has given me a place to talk to a bunch of awesome people who i have never met (but will meet in march- yea colorado meetup!!), but who are still here for me. i know that i could get the best advice ever by just going on here and asking anything on the forums or on a weekend open thread or by emailing wendy herself.
i said this on another post a little while ago, but who else can say that they have a DW bestie?! i can!! haha, lookin at you painted lady!
…addie and RR, you can steal “DW bestie” from me if you want.. lol