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I agree with Kate. There are so many body positive accounts that don’t shame but are supportive.
I really hope you start to see that you are not your size or what you look like. You’re worth more than what you’re getting. But that isn’t going to change by pointing it out, you have to lose the loser because he doesn’t want to and is not ready to change. He’s dead weight for you. You need to be free and figure out your self a little bit better, I think.
How much is a no fault divorce? I know we had lawyers in the group before. I guess I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t get one, unless there was a hope for something changing in the relationship, sometime? But admittedly, I hate ANY clutter in my life, let alone old forgotten husbands/marriages.
Kick him out and please see a therapist. He’s a black hole. If you have a baby with him, he’s not going to parent, it’ll all fall to you while he keeps playing video games and doing drugs. We get a ton of those letters all the time. Babies don’t make a person better (good lord, please do not contradict me here) babies are what you do when you have a happy, pretty easy relationship for a good amount of time that makes you feel like you’re a crazy person in love. It doesn’t make you feel depressed, sad, grasping at straws to make the thing that sucks last longer.
I say that with love and hope that you make a better choice for yourself and kick the loser out. He’s the weight dragging you down, but you need to see a professional for your own issues and esp. why you’d accept this guy as love.
You may have to pay to get out of the lease but even that is better than staying with a man like this. I agree, don’t make big decisions involving surgeries to fix anything unless you want it fixed. Good relationships don’t take a lot of work. They are kind of seamless and easy, most of the time. I’m 38 and I’ve been married/with my husband for 12 years. Even the very shittiest of shitty times don’t feel too bad with the right person. We’ve never needed something drastic to fix it, like a surgery or (literally the worst reason to have a child is to fix a bad relationship.)
The doctors aren’t going to be mad if you cancel. If they are, they weren’t out for your best interests, regardless. You need to work on your people pleasing tendencies.
I think you should dump the boyfriend and definitely see a therapist. Hire a trainer or join a gym and try to lose some weight on your own. A shitty bf who sends nudes and asks for nudes and is possibly cheating is definitely helping you feel very, very shitty about yourself and you are turning to an unhealthy coping mechanism- food. Fix the real issue, your unhealthy coping skills. They can need to be replaced with healthier skills a therapist can teach you. Dump the asshole. Maybe a nutritionist?
I know it’s hard work and takes a lot of discipline to lose and surgery is relatively easier, at least faster but I actually know a few people who had that gastric lap band surgery. Eventually, they (a couple) let their bad habits continue. They are ahem, unhealthily large again. You’d never know they had the surgery. I know that’s just anecdotal. If you want to lose weight and get healthy to have a baby, more power to you but don’t do it with a guy who is probably/possibly cheating on you.
I’m sorry he’s a jerk. Hugs to you. Good luck.
I will admit the fears as a new mom are off the wall as are your hormones, maybe? Although you mention this since aged eight. Most moms have this crazy anxiety about their babies, I find. At least the first born. I have had two they are 6&7 now. I remember being absolutely exhausted and scared a lot.
Once I yelled as I woke up, “Where’s the baby!” He was asleep in my arms.
Yes, it is likely a form of anxiety. I’m not a doctor, and I hate diagnosing over the internet but I have GAD and once in awhile panic attacks. I don’t experience my worries quite the same way but, it’s affecting your life seriously and you should take it seriously. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, many people suffer from this. You should talk to your doctor and consider medication (it’s helped me a lot, but that’s anecdotal) a lot of antidepressants are also used off label for anxiety. A good therapist who could help you with building coping skills.
One thing that’s been great for me is just talking back to the worrisome voice that thinks the worst. Sometimes I even call him Bob because I don’t currently have a Bob in my life and it feels fun to yell at him in the car when I’m alone.
Good luck. Talk to your doctor. Life doesn’t have to feel this way.
I’m going to be totally honest, the last man I was in a serious relationship before I met my husband was separated when we started dating. However, here’s the difference- he was in process of getting a divorce. I saw the paperwork, he was open and honest about it and he got the divorce. And he was in a state in which I’ve heard divorces take longer than average (NY) but it still was not that long. I had also met his parents who also echoed the acrimonious relationship and divorce they had. Have you met his parents or family?
It’s the four years of no discussion? No progress at all, that makes me pretty certain you’re in for a little heartache. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m trying to prepare for the worst. Maybe your July 4th surprise is that he’s divorced and I’m a completely wrong asshole on the internet but I wouldn’t bet on it.
Peggy, I’m not judging you, I’m merely saying maybe don’t give her the hope it’ll work out. Based on this, you really think he’s being 100% honest with her?
Leslie makes the point. He doesn’t prioritize or give a shit about how you feel, deep down. If you smack a smile on, it’s fine, but if not, he’ll make half hearted attempts until you settle down. Then it’s back to the status quo.
Would you marry him? What’s stopping you from pressing the point?
Peggy, I get you married the guy but you’re the small percentage who married the already married guy. It’s great that happened but the odds are not in her favor.
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