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That is really gross, Kate. Copa, that IS wild. I bet she did find something. OMG.
It is hard, @ange. I know certain people have the documents I want (my mom) but I don’t want to make her think of things she put behind her long ago.
My grandfather then married a woman -who he is still married to- who is a year younger than my dad, his eldest. The age difference really shows when you are in your nineties with leukemia and your wife has just hit her 60s.
I so want to do a dna test to find all this crap (I know one of my mothers brothers had many marriages, and many kids out of wedlock, some who showed up at our door out of the blue one day when I was little,) but I also don’t want like, Zuckerberg to eventually own my genetic data? That’s my hang up.
I’ve spent the day calling family courts in CT trying to track down the right one for divorce/custody agreements in the mid 80s.
You really just need to accept that until you have your own place, you can’t change what happens in your mother’s house. Save up and go visit them.
If the grass needs cutting and the room needs fixing and you are living there, why not do that? You’re living there and it needs to be done. No time like the present.
We can’t help you with your issues with your mother. You need to make a plan to get back on your feet and independent of her and then you can host who ever you want for as many months or weeks as you want.
Yeah, why do you lie so much? It’d be easier to keep your story straight if you weren’t actively lying to your brother and his family and your mother about different things. Why do you think you feel the need to do that? Why are you afraid of being honest?
I also don’t understand why you’re essentially completely lying to your brother as canadadgoose pointed out. Why? If you want a relationship with him, go and forge one yourself. Don’t lie to him and then force your mom into something for whatever reason she doesn’t want.
I can tell you no DIL with a baby is going to want to be in a dilapidated place needing work with chipping paint and god knows what else and an angry MIL to greet her. No one wants that type of visit. I’m sorry if that sounds judgmental but I once asked my mom to baby proof her home and was shocked at what I found. You simply don’t understand unless you’ve had a small baby/toddler in recent decades.
I don’t think you’re right that it’s her viewing men as precious. If that was the case, she would do anything to bring him back and make them happy, if she was able. You don’t know why she doesn’t want them or at least haven’t explained it here and are just presuming what the problem is. And yeah, how does she (your mother) know this isn’t a case of your brother imposing his family on her for eternity? It seems her children take a lot of support from her and give her a lot of grief back for it.
Well, In that case, it’s no surprise he would balk at coming at the first sign of her/your hesitancy.
Interesting that she’s so abusive, sexist and terrible and holds you back but you are still with her and wrapped up in her life and decisions. I mean she is housing her now. Do you pay her rent? You should move on for you own happiness.
Is this all what you think or what you actually know is her perspective?
That’s all fine and good but since it’s not your house, you wouldn’t be hosting, your mother would and she declined to or whatever. You just need to move past what you hoped would happen and accept the reality of what has taken place.
Your brother would presumedly know the state of the house and size and that you’d be sleeping in a chair and would be more understanding of your mothers hesitancy? He didn’t seem very flexible either. It almost sounds like he didn’t really give it much of a chance. What’s the issue with your mother hating his wife? Is it a race/religion thing or something personal?
Why don’t you go and visit him?
It’s truly sad that your heart is broken, but maybe work on your own independence and happiness. Definitely get away from your mother and family’s abuse. Move out as soon as you can.
I can totally understand not wanting to host three people for six weeks. You’re acting like it’s nothing, but she is in her seventies with what sounds like a dilapidated house. It may seem incredibly stressful to her. Not to mention she still has a grown adult child living with her, telling her what to do with her home and judging her choices.
And the thing is, we don’t have to understand or know why she is against this idea. It’s her house, and she gets to choose what happens there.
Look, you can stay involved in the toxic family drama or you can remove yourself from it.
The “cannot use technology “ is bs. It’s an excuse. My 96 year old grandmother used cells phones, laptops and would FaceTime me on her iPad before she died. My 75 year old FIL uses it all and even sends memes. It’s an excuse. It’s a refusal to learn new things, it’s stubbornness.
You can stay there, and live your mother’s life out with her or you can remove yourself from the abuse and drama and make your own relationship with your siblings that don’t involve mom drama. I suggest you move out as soon as you can if you can.
Yeah, it’s still pretty clear to me that what you were telling them, you shouldn’t have and it did scare them off. Call them and tell them to stay with you and fix up the room like you said you would. Talk to your mom and apologize. Apologize for what you said that turned your brother off and explain the situation to each of them. And then stay out of it and let them work it out.
I mean what is someone supposed to do when their sister is telling them there are no other accommodations and you can’t stay here? It sounds like you were clearly telling them there was no where for them to stay. They had no other choice but to cancel.
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