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i dont know. i feel like this is a one sided story. sometimes, i dont want to go out. i just dont. maybe her bf felt the same way. video games do not always equal obsessive people – i play video games too. maybe he couldn’t afford it. multiple reasons.
i think they both need to grow up.
to me _s_, it’s just one of those things. no matter how much i love my stepkids, i’m not their mom. does it hurt at times? sure it does. but i get over it, because i love them. do i count them as my kids? yep, i do. even if i’m not mom. not to mention i’ve known the younger ones long enough that i see bits of me in there too, which is kind of cool, to know that i actually do influence them, and i can be a good example for them.
however, i’m also lucky in that we all get along where the 2 smaller ones are concerned. when they lived close, we’d have their mom and step dad over, and we were all friendly. i think that’s important for them to see.
it’s different, but not, if that makes sense? I love my stepkids, and would do anything for them. to me, they feel like ‘mine’. However, there are always the little things that of course not being the bio mom, I’ll never experience. Does that bother me? Sometimes. honestly once a month I have a weird emotional day sometimes :p but, I don’t regret any of it. I completely understand that some need to have children of their own, there’s nothing wrong with that. but in cases like LW’s, a decision has to be made.
when my husband and I first got together, he already had kids, and did not want anymore. I had to decide if I could deal with that, and I did, and I’ve been pretty happy with my decision.
if you already knew he didn’t want kids, and thought you could change his mind, you need to MOA unfortunately, or learn to deal with it. If he gave the impression to you that he was open to it, or maybe has changed his mind, you should go to couples counseling.
But you have to deal with the fact that right now, he does not want anymore children. if you do, you will need to move on to a life that you want. this is not a horrible thing either – if you truly want children, and he does not, you have to do what’s right for you.
it’s your house, and he’s not respecting that. if you don’t want to compromise your standards, then you tell him he needs to sleep in his own room – or get a hotel (which would be a lot more polite imho). but yea, you do risk driving a wedge between you both, but honestly he’s done it himself. he doesn’t respect your hour or wishes.
but I don’t know if you can actually ‘diffuse’ it at this point. even if you had said something the night before, he would have been upset.
i used to really want kids when i was younger, then changed my mind when i was married to my first husband. with husband #2, we talked about it early on because he already had 3 with exes, and we decided as a couple we wouldn’t have any of our own. every once in awhile (usually once a month :p) i have a glimmer of ‘what ifs’, but I have 0 regrets about having my own. i love his kids, i like kids in general, but i’m 100% ok with not having any of my own. it was the right decision.
if you can’t get passed that fact, then you definitely need therapy – because there’s something else bothering you. I can’t imagine a sane person being THAT upset about someone having sex before them if everything is OK in the relationship. Unfortunately it also sounds like you were having issues with it before you got married, but got married anyway – which you should have dealt with before you got married.
go see a therapist.
sometimes, sketchy parts of town aren’t even about race. i live in an older part of my city which is moderately sketchy, and if i go 2-3 blocks over, super sketchy, i wouldn’t walk there by myself. at any time of the day. i’m white. the whole neighborhood is white. still sketchy. we’ve had slashed tires. people in our vehicle (thank god they didn’t trash it).
so even if we push race aside (i’m not going to pretend it’s not a factor, it can be, to say anything otherwise is being ignorant of the times we still live in.) sketchy is sketchy. all you can do is tell him how you feel. and decide if his unwillingness to check in is a deal breaker. i’m a check in type person no matter what, so i can understand the anxiety. a person that would not check in with me would not work out very well with me :/