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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Miel

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 15 total)
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  • in reply to: Covid Support Thread #1096951
    Miel
    Participant

    @LisforLeslie oh, the worst is that through her non-stop blathering she said that her boss, the dentist himself, had been hospitalized with covid last year, almost died and was now a long-hauler! And she didn’t seem to care, it was like “well, every one has their own opinion, some people are sick, some others aren’t, I’m just against vaccine mandates!”

    Like, uuuugh!

    in reply to: Covid Support Thread #1096949
    Miel
    Participant

    Ugh, I just had such a frustrating COVID dentist visit today…

    I’ve had trouble in the last few years finding a good dentist office that doesn’t cancel my appointments the day of, is close to where I live, accept my insurance… And yesterday I thought I had found a great new place! Everything was clean, everything was on time, the staff was super helpful, but then the hygienist started to talk…

    At first I thought “cool, I love chit-chatting”

    Turns out, her favorite topic of conversation as I am lying down with her fingers in my mouth and our face six inches from each other is how “this whole COVID thing is really overblown”, and “you know, the vaccine is really dangerous, a lot of people have died from it”, and “There are many doctors recommending all vaccination should be stopped, because it’s so dangerous”, and “everyone I know has had COVID, and it’s really no more than having a cold”. I couldn’t believe it !!!

    Like, omg, I live in a well-vaccinated blue city, in a middle-class neighborhood where everyone has masked up once again for Delta even though there are no mask mandate, I did not think that my healthcare provider would be the one spouting conspiracy nonsense while looking at my teeth.

    The worst of all is every time I tried to shut it down she would just say “well, everyone has a different opinion. I’m open to all opinions. You know, I always look at both sides of issues because I’m a Libra”, are you fucking kidding me?

    Thank god, I asked if she was vaccinated and “yes, apparently the whole office was forced to get vaccinated”, I mean…

    I don’t know what to do. I’ve been looking for a good dentist office for such a long time, and the actual dentistry was good. My teeth are clean, the actual dentist was great, the receptionist was super helpful, ugh… I’m just very discouraged.

    in reply to: How to be better in my relationship? #1085783
    Miel
    Participant

    I agree with Kate that I don’t think there’s a great prognosis here for you and your fiancé. Low self-esteem and insecurities that are “ruining the relationship” are no small things to work through.

    However I wanted to comment as someone who married the first guy I ever dated, that yes, it is possible to learn relationship skills without dating a lot of different people. So, theoretically, if you were committed to stay with your partner, here are the types of things that have helped me grow and learn about relationships without having multiple boyfriends:

    -Sites like Dear Wendy, and other advice columnist with good online communities. It has given me many examples of what happens in other people’s relationships: the types of things that should be deal breakers (screaming and calling names is never ok), and the types of things that aren’t even a problem (it’s ok if you guys don’t like the same music genres). It has provided me resources (“10 things to discuss before moving for love”) and questions to ask myself (“How would I react if I were in the LW’s shoes?”). It’s just an advice website, but it’s better than Instagram and romantic comedies. You can learn a lot from the mistakes of others without having to make the same mistake yourself.

    -Books and blogs about couple dynamics, attachments styles, love languages, abuse, jealousy, non-violent communication, problem solving skills… There’s lot of (serious, evidence-based, psychology-based) texts out there that can teach you a lot, and outline patterns you might have indivertibly fallen into. Right now I’m following a few writers who are well-known in the polyamory community and who write about it. Not because I’m into non-monogamy, but because they have really interesting things to say about respect, boundaries, communication, and building solid relationships…

    -Looking at people around me, and noticing healthy and unhealthy patterns. Not things like “he bought her a big engagement ring”, but more like “she interrupts him all the time”, or “he sounds really proud of her accomplishments”, or “they always laugh together”.

    -And yes, therapy, therapy, therapy. Not just individual therapy, but I also think couples therapy is a great way to improve any relationship, no matter if you felt like there were problems to begin with. It just gives you better tools to build a stronger relationship.

    Maybe if you put time into those types of things, it might become a bit clearer if the problems you have are solvable, and if so, how.

    Miel
    Participant

    You say “I never complain, never fight with her, never ever ask for anything. If I’m angry or frustrated about something, I just keep it to myself so I won’t bother her with it” and wonder why a woman wouldn’t want a perfect boyfriend. But that’s exactly the problem, the perfect boyfriend would sometimes complain, ask for things, or express anger and frustration.

    A fundamental part of having a significant other is the idea of “partnership”. It’s two people who sometimes agree, sometimes disagree, go through happy and sad times together, help each other when they have problems, rejoice together when they have successes. By never complaining and keeping your frustrations to yourself, you’re denying a potential girlfriend the whole entire point of a relationship: a partnership.

    One of the great joy of meeting someone is figuring out what you both like and dislike, and it’s so exciting when you find common ground. But being with someone who always say “Yes dear”, “we can do whatever you want”, “we can go wherever you prefer”, “I don’t have a preference, I just want you to be happy,” feels like speaking to a robot who has been programed to agree with you on everything. It doesn’t feel like a real human being who loves you. I mean, it would be like sitting in a magic casino where you would always win. It’s fun for an hour or two and then it becomes boring. There’s just no fun anymore if you know your partner will say and do whatever you want.

    So yes, I would definitely work further with your therapist on your attachment issues. You don’t have a stain on you because you were born from rape, you don’t have “bad genes” or whatever else. You don’t have to tell any of your partners anything about your origins. That is not information that is relevant at the beginning of a relationship. You are a person who deserves love and happiness, just like everyone else. You don’t have to be perfect to be deserving of someone’s love or to keep someone in a relationship with you.

    in reply to: Covid Support Thread #886314
    Miel
    Participant

    The update on my side is that the wedding was amazing! It was supposed to be heavy rain all day but we got a tiny bit of sun in the morning while on our way to the courthouse. Our wedding rings even arrived just in time and we were able to pick them up from the jeweler just before the ceremony (15 minutes before… we were almost late to our own ceremony).

    The ceremony was also above and beyond what I had expected. I thought we would come in, go through security, show our IDs, pay the fee, sign some papers and be shown the way out. Our courthouse is technically still closed, so we thought they would treat us a bit like lepers. But no! They were SO NICE! Everybody starting from the security guards to the clerks were just “oh, are you the couple getting married? Congratulations! We’re so happy you’re here!” They didn’t even ask for IDs, they forgot to make us pay (we also forgot about it, we were a bit overwhelmed by the excitement). They brought us to the big courtroom so that the two of us could stand very far away from the judge, and the judge suggested we take this opportunity to remove our masks before we go on with the ceremony. He then proceeded to read all those nice texts about love and commitment and marriage, and it was just … so nice! So unexpected! We had no idea they were going to do any of this! The ceremony lasted almost 15 minutes (during which I stared into my husband’s eyes as we were both trying not to cry). It was a purely magical moment. We walked out and my husband just started humming a song out of… just pure happiness I think. It was great.

    We ran back to our car because at that point it did start raining. We couldn’t care less. We went back home and made some chocolate-dipped strawberries. We called our parents and talked with them for a bit. We then got changed into wedding dress/tuxedo and staged a whole wedding photoshoot in our living room (my husband got into photography last year, so we actually had a fancy camera, tripod, etc). After some editing the pictures actually turned out great. I was really impressed at what we got.

    We then made some fancy salmon tartare for dinner, with champagne, home-made fries and I made some chocolate lava cakes (more chocolate!).

    We were just exhausted at the end of the day. It definitely made me think “how exhausted would I be if we had had guests!” But it was a wonderful day, and I couldn’t be happier.

    in reply to: Covid Support Thread #886014
    Miel
    Participant

    Thank you all! The update is that I have my dress! We picked it up half an hour ago, and it fits! I guess there’s no way my weight can change between now and tomorrow, so that’s one less thing to worry about 😉


    @veritek33
    yeah, I think over the last few days we’ve been able to start planning ways to make our day special. We bought a bottle of champagne, some cool ingredients to cook with and we planned a mini photoshoot in our living room (it’s going to be raining tomorrow…). It was hard at first to think about making the day special because we were so worried it would get cancelled and we would be disappointed all over again. But now, it’s happening! So the excitement is finally taking over.

    in reply to: Covid Support Thread #885993
    Miel
    Participant

    So I’m getting married tomorrow.

    I have the strangest mix of emotions right now. On one hand, I’m excited, stressed, happy and in love. On the other hand I’m just in disbelief that this is the story I will tell my grandchildren. It just doesn’t feel real.

    In the last two months until about two weeks ago, my fiancé and I just gradually lost all hopes we were going to get married on May 15th as planned. We were just hoping for a small ceremony with our parents followed by a meal at a nearby seafood restaurant, but soon travel stopped and the border closed (my parents live in Canada and we’re in the US), and we thought “well, this is really sad, but the two of us can still get married and go to celebrate at a restaurant ourselves.” But of course, all the restaurants closed on the next day.

    And then of course, our local courthouse closed and the county stopped emitting marriage license. We went through the full mourning process thinking “well, one day, we don’t know when, but one day we will be married”.

    And then about two weeks ago, the courthouse calls us saying if we can still make it, they’ll open for us and marry us on May 15th! We couldn’t believe it, we were so happy.

    (I never thought in my life I would be so happy that a judge would agree to the simple act of filling a mariage certificate for us!)

    Since then things have been a mix of stress (at the idea that everything will somehow get cancelled again), sadness (our parents won’t be there), and excitement (omg, I’m marrying the love of my life!).

    I might get to wear my wedding dress. Our seamstress has been working really quickly and I might get to bring my dress home tonight. We might also get wedding rings. Our jeweler is hoping to have the rings ready by tomorrow morning, and our ceremony is at noon.

    Part of me is ready to accept anything in order to be married. No guests, no dress, no rings, no reception, no problem! The other part of me is in absolute disbelief that I will get married while wearing a cloth masks. I spent some time this week deciding which cloth mask we should be wearing for the ceremony and making sure they’ll be clean tomorrow (mine is white with some blue and green polka dots, his is black with some white musical notes).

    I’m not going to be able to see his face when saying “I do” and somehow that’s ok and I’m still happy about it? What a strange time to be alive!

    in reply to: My sister is pregnant before me, why am I sad about it? #880150
    Miel
    Participant

    In different ways, many of us have our expectations for the future flipped on their heads right now with this pandemic, but as your story shows, that’s just a part of everyday life too. I thought my wedding would be a certain way, but now with the pandemic, I realize it won’t. Some high school seniors thought that their prom would happen a certain way, but now they realize it won’t. You thought you would be the first daughter to have children, but now you realize you won’t.

    It’s normal to be disappointed when things don’t go according to the expectations you had. Sometimes this is the moment you realize you even had expectations about this topic! It’s possible this expectation was pretty sub-conscious until now! But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your sister being pregnant first, and it shouldn’t negatively affect your actions toward her in any way. You’ll just have to think “ugh, I have to let go of this expectation I had!” and move on.

    Other things I want to bring up are unproductive thought patterns. You cannot predict the future, and you cannot read other people’s mind, so you have 100% no idea how your parents will react to the news of your pregnancy one day. They might react incredibly surprised and happy. They might not be happy for a thousand unrelated reasons. You don’t know, because you can’t predict the future and you can’t read other people’s mind, so it is unproductive to think “my parents won’t have the same level of excitement when it’s my turn”.

    Another unproductive though pattern is the idea that you had any amount of control over when your sister was going to have children and the way your parents would react to the news of grandchildren. So when you were expecting to be the first in the family to become pregnant, and when you were planning on how to tell your parents, that was a nice fantasy, but nothing more. In real-life, things rarely go according to fantasies. Maybe your sister was going to have children first, maybe your parents are going to die in an accident before you become pregnant, maybe you will have fertility problems and never become pregnant yourself, and so on… In one way or the other, it was incredibly unlikely that you would have had the pregnancy announcement of your dreams, so you were going to have to let go of that fantasy at one point or another.

    After some time thinking about this and living with your feelings of disappointment, I’m sure you’ll be able to think of new things to look forward to, such as your future kids having lovely older cousins to guide them through life for example.

    in reply to: SPF Face moisturizer #837323
    Miel
    Participant

    I would really focus on wearing sunglasses more often. UV rays can age the skin, sure, but most importantly they can damage your vision and increase your chance of getting cataracts and age-related macular degeneration! So really, this is a two-bird one stone problem. Sunglasses!!

    in reply to: I can't make big decisions – how do I know he's "the one"? #811222
    Miel
    Participant

    I think this is a good “FUCK YES or no” situation. You shouldn’t give up your job and move for love if you’re not 100% sure about it. It’s just too much trouble, too much risk, too much money for something you’re not even sure you want.

    Just as a comparison, when I was in a long-distance relationship, thinking about the day where my boyfriend would fly to my city so we could pack the uHaul together and drive together to his city was… the happiest thing I could possibly think of. I would almost get happy tears in my eyes just thinking about that day, and this was years before it finally happened. I was just REALLY looking forward to it. What stressed me out was 1) how expensive moving was, 2) sub-letting my apartment, 3) how to organize the drive from my city to his with the moving truck… There was NO stress at the idea that I was moving to be with him and that we would live together. NO stress at all!

    in reply to: Not sure if to break up or continue the relationship #742408
    Miel
    Participant

    As Vathena said: Gaslighting!
    “This idea is weird” when talking about taking turns paying, even though that’s extremely common and quite a simple, straightforward thing to do.
    “I don’t remember saying that”, which stands for “instead of owing up to the fact that I said things I don’t expect to follow up on, I’m going to try to convince you that you have a faulty memory and that such conversation has never happened”.

    To me that’s the big big red flag here.

    in reply to: From My Mail Bag #719033
    Miel
    Participant

    @juliecatharine We were both already in Germany for internships, him in the north part and me in the south. We connected on a Facebook group and decided to go to the Alps together for a weekend trip. So we met in person for the first time on a train leaving Munich. Luckily he wasn’t an axe murderer.

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