Forum Replies Created
January 20, 2019 at 2:39 pm in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816473
In the future just be matter of fact. This is what happened. No embellishments. No bragging. Skip the praise you received. If you are supposed to tell about what you did in a bullying situation just cover the actual bullying and what you did. All the rest sounds like you bragging.
Reframe the concept that you should help girls to you should help people when you see they need help. I expect my daughter to help people every bit as much as I expect my son to help people. Either gender can and should help either gender.January 20, 2019 at 2:34 pm in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816469
I think it depends on whether they still do a homeroom. Homeroom is about 10 minutes and then the kids go on to their first class of the day. Our high school dropped the homeroom concept but they were doing it when my son was there. I don’t know what they did between bells but it is possible they did bell work in high school. It tends to be busy work to keep the kids occupied while the teacher does attendance and announcements are done and handouts are distributed. My high school never had homeroom and I have to say the concept seemed pretty archaic to me when I found out my son had it.January 20, 2019 at 2:25 pm in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816463
Schools do promote a lot of discussion about bullying. That isn’t farfetched. Also, there are schools that have bell work. My son’s elementary school did that.
What sounds fake about the entire thing is the dialogue. So if this incident actually happened you exaggerated the dialogue until it sounded fake.
If you hadn’t exaggerated maybe it would have been much better received. Instead you come out sounding as bad as the bully. You make it sound like you slammed him with the ball, what third grader has such good aim at that age that they land the ball twice? Or were you right up beside him and sort of tossed it? Why hit him in the face? So you exaggerated and everyone called you on it. In the future just be honest and factual. People probably don’t mind one kid sticking up for another but they do mind fake. They didn’t believe you so they tore you apart and said you did the wrong thing. In the moment, without time to reflect, they knew they didn’t like your story without really thinking about why they didn’t like it. Instead of having a kid helping another kid you had a knight swooping in to save a damsel in distress. Girls don’t like to be portrayed as damsels in distress. They would like to be seen as capable people. Also, you called yourself a hero. That is a huge no no. Never brag. People despise bragging.
Moral of the story. Tell the story as it really happened, no exaggerations. Don’t call yourself a hero. If you are a hero other people will say so. No need for you to tell the world.January 20, 2019 at 11:21 am in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816425
You give it away that it’s a story. You titled it a story. If it had actually happened you would have a different title.
Why don’t people believe me
When I tell about this thing that happened on the playground no one likes it
I stood up to a bully and no one believes meJanuary 20, 2019 at 11:18 am in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816424
The dialogue sounds incredibly fake. I’ve raised both a boy and a girl and have been around lots of kids when they were that age. That’s now how they talk. My daughter was that age at that time.
So the first thing that is wrong with your story is that is sounds totally fake.
The second thing that is wrong with your story is that you hit someone in the face with a baseball and didn’t get into trouble. I don’t know of a school that would ignore what you did. Both you and the bully would have been disciplined. Your parents would have been called in for a meeting.
Third, where were the playground monitors?
Fourth, you seem to think the important thing about the girl was that she was pretty. Not that she was someone needing help. Since when did a girl of that age call a boy a hero? They don’t.
Your story sounds fake, fake, fake. No wonder people don’t like it. They are left wondering why you go around telling a fake story trying to impress people. Get a real life.January 17, 2019 at 12:17 pm in reply to: He made a 2 weeks vacation plan without me. #816143
You’re learning a lot about your boyfriend and none of it is good. You’ve learned that he can be highly secretive over a fairly long period of time. Planning this trip and saving for this trip took time and effort and he did all of that without you knowing a thing about it. That’s not good. In a good relationship you share the things that you are doing day to day. Shutting you out is bad. Sneaking around in his life is very bad.
Why would you be proud about him running off to spend two weeks with people he has never met over spending those two weeks with you in the same location? It makes no sense. It sounds like gaslighting.
I’m guessing he thinks he likes the online woman better than he likes you so he’s going to go meet her to see. He’s actively searching for your replacement but doesn’t want to break up until he is more sure. He’s keeping you until he finds someone he wants more. You’ll do in the meantime. If he doesn’t like her better he will come back to you but you can be sure he’ll still be searching for your replacement.
Why go through all of that. This relationship is already over on his part. He’s just finding the other woman before dumping you.
Leave him. Get it over with. There is nothing more for you in this relationship than a lot of emotional hurt and a lot of pain. Tell him his new lifestyle doesn’t make you proud but it does make you realize he is incredibly sneaky and self-absorbed and you can do better. Self-absorbed because who plans a trip for only themselves to the one place that their girlfriend has said she wants to go and does it secretly because he knows you want to go. That’s cruel and self-absorbed.January 15, 2019 at 3:29 pm in reply to: How To Negotiate Successfully #815829
@Kate That sounds right. I have no sense of an analytic mind here. No sense of someone evaluating and reevaluating what they are doing what results they are getting and then modifying what they are doing. I also have no sense of the LW researching her situation to look for clues and answers and ideas. No self-analysis about results and what to do next.
Nothing. No scientific approach. No scientific mind.January 15, 2019 at 2:25 pm in reply to: How To Negotiate Successfully #815814
There is a huge difference between having some junk food and eating nothing but junk food. The only reason you buy junk food is to eat it and if it is good enough for you to eat it then it should be good enough for him to eat it. I bought junk food knowing my kids would eat it. The rule was that they could have one junk food per day. It was their choice what junk they ate and when they ate it. I held myself to the same rules. If you expect your son to follow stricter rules than you have for yourself when it comes to junk food of course he won’t respect you. You don’t practice what you preach.
My son loves technology. He loves it so much he went to college and got a degree in technology and now he has a job working with technology. It isn’t crippling to learn all about technology. If he is using it to avoid life then it is a problem. If it is an accessory to his life, like I am assuming it is to yours, then it isn’t a problem. My son is totally self-sufficient. He has his own place and pays his own bills. We see him about once a week.
Your son will become mature and responsible if you allow him some freedom to make mistakes but hold him accountable for his actions. He will do much better if you model what you want rather than giving yourself lesser rules and screaming at him. What you are teaching him is that once he’s an adult he doesn’t need to have self-discipline, that’s just for kids.
If what you’re doing isn’t working then try something else. I’m saying that as one science person to another. It’s like you are running the same experiment over and over and you keep getting the same result and instead of trying something different you scream and count down the years until the experiment is over. Do you expect that what you are doing will suddenly work when so far it’s been a failure? You’re too smart to believe that. You’re too smart for that. You keep getting the same result. Try a different input. Try a different model. Maybe talk to a therapist to get some suggestions.
If your son is actually handicapped then why plan to throw him away? Why not get him the services he needs now?January 12, 2019 at 7:54 pm in reply to: How To Negotiate Successfully #815509
As a parent of two, I have to ask why you keep food in your house that the kid is forbidden to eat. If it is so unhealthy that he can’t have any you shouldn’t be eating it either and neither should the boyfriend. If it is okay to have some without destroying your health it should be okay for him to have some without destroying his health. It seems like you have made him a second tier member of the family. You and the boyfriend are top tier with full rights to all food and he is the second rate second tier who isn’t good enough.
If you treat him better he might be more inclined to do things like shut the door. He might be leaving the door wide open to get even with you for the way you treat him. If you treat him with dignity and respect and value him you will be more apt to get the same from him. The one overriding rule we have in our house is that everyone is treated with respect. All other rules must fit with that rule.
It should be obvious to you that your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you. If he didn’t want to live with your son you wouldn’t be living together now. So if it isn’t the son why could he possibly have called off the wedding. He didn’t want to be married or he didn’t want to be married to you. Why live together then? What is he getting out of it? Are you paying most of the bills? Are you paying his mortgage? Is he using you financially and blaming the lack of marriage on your son? What will he blame when your son moves out?
This guy isn’t loyal to you. He won’t be in your life in twenty years. He likely won’t be in your life in ten years. As soon as he finds a woman he wants more who offers good enough benefits, like income, he’ll dump you for her. You are in a holding pattern for the time being.
If you ditch the boyfriend and focus on your son you have a good chance of having him in your life in ten years and in twenty years. I don’t understand why you seem to be so emotionally detached and uninvested in your son. Why do you want to discard him?
I’m glad this is turning out well for you!December 28, 2018 at 12:34 pm in reply to: Dealing with 'fake' Christmas Presents #813481
But insulting family members is a skill best learned early.December 28, 2018 at 12:21 pm in reply to: Dealing with 'fake' Christmas Presents #813476
Some countries start school at younger ages than we do in the US. Unless you know where they live you can’t make assumptions about what their schools do and don’t do.
My son read very fluently very early. He started reading when he was 2. Could read any picture book easily by the time he turned 3 and was reading novels by 4. It doesn’t necessarily last. My daughter didn’t read until late 5 early age 6 and by the time she was in 5th grade she was ahead of where my son was at the same age.
As far as the kid looking to see whether something is name brand. I’m not impressed. It shows she is learning to be a shallow person at a very young age. Nothing to brag about. Running around calling a gift fake is very shallow. I’d be embarrassed if my kid did that. Getting invited to lots of parties at her age also doesn’t mean much. It’s an age when every child gets invited to everything. It doesn’t mean that the kids will like her when she is 12. If she is a shallow, vapid mean girl her only friends will be other shallow, vapid mean girls and they will spend their time picking on each other.
She’ll be much further ahead if she finds something more valuable for her focus.