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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 40 total)
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  • in reply to: How to relax re engagement #836985
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    The subtext of your last post is this: He has doubts about marrying you.

    You don’t want to just drag a man to the altar. You want him to be excited to put that ring on your finger. He picked canoe season because its a long ways off. He’s stalling. Time to pump the brakes on selling your house, moving in together, and marriage while he deals with his concerns.

    in reply to: How to relax re engagement #836681
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I think its time for another real conversation with your bf about why he needs this specific proposal, why he picked something that couldn’t be implemented until June (it may be subconscious but I don’t think its coincidence that he’s putting it off and blaming it on the temperature outside), and about how it makes you feel to sit on your hands so he can have his performative engagement. Are you a set piece or are you a partner?
    If you can’t have this kind of conversation, if he ridicules you or gaslights you or refuses to engage, that’s telling you something very important and not at all good about who he is and what kind of expectations he has for you as a girlfriend/wife.

    in reply to: How to relax re engagement #836486
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Gosh, its been 7 years since I got engaged but I can still remember the feeling of annoyance and insecurity involved in “waiting for a proposal.” In all other aspects of our relationship I was an equal partner and yet for some stupid antiquated reason I was forced to sit and wait for him to propose.

    It helps to have some conversations (which it seems like you’ve already done) to establish that you’re both on the same page regarding yes engagement is happening, this is the timeline for which it is happening, and so on.

    After that, just sit back, get a manicure, read some r/weddingshaming, and dream of overthrowing the patriarchy.

    P.S. My husband bought a lovely ring and proposed in a way that fits us and is a great story. In retrospect I wouldn’t trade that memory for getting engaged a few weeks or months sooner.

    P.P.S I say r/weddingshaming because reading real wedding blogs would be kind of presumptuous, but its never to early to read hilarious horror stories to make you feel better about things and/or convince you to elope.

    in reply to: Sleeping with the Dog #833084
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    You don’t say how big the bed is, but it would have to be a king sized bed to have remotely enough room for a dog that’s literally the size of an adult human. Can you get a king? Or is there another room– maybe you guys can sleep separately for awhile?

    Are you otherwise caring and nice to the dog? I think it’s a lot easier to make the argument that there isn’t room for the dog in bed if you are otherwise nice to his dog. If you’re not then this can come off like the latest crusade of a dog-hater. (For the record, I’m a dog lover but my dog doesn’t sleep in our bed because he’s big and rude and I also am a fan of quality sleep. But if he knows you don’t like the dog then it can seem like more of the same)

    I think its very reasonable to draw the line at quality sleep. Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to listen to reason or buy a bigger bed then maybe this relationship isn’t for you.

    in reply to: Help #822451
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    You really think they will not show up to the same wedding? Or be in the audience for the same graduation ceremony?

    in reply to: Help #822414
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Lol I hope your boyfriend decides to passive-aggressively become an overcommunicator about this like interrupting you in the middle of something to say “my ex said ‘k.'” and other mundane stuff like that.

    But seriously, either you trust him or you don’t. If you don’t, regardless of whether he has earned distrust or not, you should break up. If you do, then you won’t need to hear about every text from his child’s other parent and shouldnt have to show you his phone to prove everything is above board. Definitely don’t buy a house and for the love of god use birth control, until/unless you can trust him.

    And also, his ex is the mother of his child. They are literally family, tied together forever through their mutual child. One day, probably, they will both be invited to their son’s college graduation, wedding, and other big milestones. One day, maybe, they will become grandparents together, and share that moment of seeing their son become a father. You will need to get ok with their relationship always being there, and you should encourage it to be strong and caring and happy, because that is what’s best for their child and the child’s needs come first here.

    in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #821789
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I think I like it more because I’m a star wars fan and not because I’m a Family Guy fan. But when the Griswolds are in the middle of the battle and they’re like “roll em up!” my husband and I die laughing every time.

    in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #821786
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I’m the only foul-talking nut allowed near my child!

    And Family Guy is definitely immature and stupid. My husband’s roommate (before we were married) watched it a lot and so I saw bits and pieces. I remember one episode that was all about poop and I really REALLY hate adult bathroom humor more than like any other kind. Not a fan. Except for the Star Wars spoof, that thing is funny as hell.

    in reply to: How To Negotiate Successfully #815173
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Sounds like he is smart for not wanting to stepparent a perpetual screaming match. What are you doing to help your son with his behavioral problems? Or are you too focused on your love life to be a parent?

    Aside from that, this marriage isn’t a negotiation. There is no compromise to seek between “I want to get married” and “I don’t want to get married.” Or I guess there is, and its living together without any formal commitment which is making you miserable. Break up, move out, take care of yourself and your son, and when you do get married, do it to someone who really WANTS to marry you (and you them), not someone who you need to negotiate into it.

    All I see is magical, wishful thinking– marriage will fix it; moving in together will fix it; moving to the other side of the world will fix it. No. Its broken and it won’t just magically get fixed.

    in reply to: Dealing with 'fake' Christmas Presents #813505
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Obviously OP wrote in so they could trash talk their SIL and then flounce off about how they can do whatever they want. Isn’t that why you write in to advice columns?

    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    @Northern Star yes these parents are a mess. If my parents had found out my sister (who was 2 years behind me and took all the same classes with all the same teachers) was using my old tests to study and they were anywhere close to the new tests, they probably would have told the school themselves. That may be why my parents raised 3 rule-abiding goody-two-shoes kids. But on the bright side they’re probably never going to have to bail any of us out of jail.

    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    You are assuming there’s hundreds of women who got impregnated by one of two brothers, but aren’t sure which, and one brother is dead and the other is a drug addict?
    Ok. And I’ve got a sandbox in florida to sell you.

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