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You’ve done all this in-depth analysis of how he behaves toward you and the sexual tension and all of it misses the point – Even if he does love you and lust after you, it doesn’t matter. Feelings don’t require you to act on them. They don’t even require you to talk about them. They only have the importance that you give them (or that he gives them).
I mean, let’s assume that he is in love with you. That over the years, he’s developed a deep attraction to you and feelings for you, and sometimes he even has a fantasy about what it would be like to act on them. Even if all of that’s true, if he’s not a giant asshole, he just lets those feelings exist and the only action he takes on them is take the energy from that tension back home to his wife.
Likewise, even if you’re in love with him, that doesn’t have to be an important, defining thing for you. You can just have those feelings, and not act on them. Instead, you can do things that don’t cause a bunch of problems for you, like finding other people to direct all that energy toward. You have that power even if he did prove himself an asshole by making a move.
Feelings can feel so huge and all-consuming, but they don’t have to be if you decide not to feed them.
@Ale I’ve also found for myself that when I get into funks like that, doing something creative, or teaching myself something new, helps a lot. Practicing guitar and learning a song I really like, painting, cross stitching. Not only does it give me an extra reason to value the time I have to myself (I have so much time to practice/get this cross stitch done/figure out how to use oil paint with water to get that really neat effect I saw at the art museum last weekend), but it gives me something to show for it.
Anytime I get into one of those phases where it feels like a Hurculean effort to get out of bed in the morning, and I feel down on myself for not being where I thought I would be, I start making sure that I’m doing something like that for at least 30-60 minutes of the day, every day, and it usually helps me.
@Ale I was always in the same boat (my family doesn’t really keep in touch or celebrate holidays for the most part). Realized eventually that holidays are what you make them. They don’t have to be anything. I started putting stuff together like caroling before all my friends took off out of town. And now it’s usually just me and anyone who can’t be with family for whatever reason, watching Christmas movies. One year it was me watching Christmas movies and taking a bubble bath and drinking a bottle of champagne. Just decide to do things you enjoy.
Happy holidays, all
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I’ve been mostly lurking, but really enjoying everyone’s updates!
I feel like for the most part this thread goes through phases of – 1) Everyone’s got something exciting happening! then 2) The exciting things fell through for all but one person! then 3) Everyone’s kind of taking a break from dating then 4) Everyone’s got something exciting happening!
@MissDre I definitely understand your anxiety, but it sounds like everything is really good right now! Even if things don’t last, worrying about it and overthinking it isn’t going to prevent that. It’s easier said than done, and I don’t follow my own advice half the time, but try to enjoy what things are now and force yourself to stop thinking about what might happen.
I went out with a guy a month or so ago, which didn’t really pan out. And I was kind of relieved because I was wondering how I was going to make time for another relationship if things went well. And then not too long after that I met a guy at a friend’s birthday party, and there was instant connection and chemistry. I didn’t follow up with it at the time, because I was there with J and that would have been rude, but I added him on facebook the next day, and managed to find an excuse to engage him in conversation when he posted about a couple of books that I really liked. I bought a ticket to an event he was going to this last Friday with the hopes of running into him, and he came and tracked me down as soon as he got there! We ended up hanging out until 3am, and even then it was hard to part ways. I’m really excited, and looking forward to seeing what it turns into. I’m not wondering how I’m going to make time for another relationship because I’m excited to spend more time with him. I keep forgetting what that feels like. So that’s my minor update!
I just read through the last few pages, and woooooow. I mostly haven’t dealt too much with being ghosted, or maybe just don’t really notice when I am. Most of the time, I’m the one saying “Not feeling it, best of luck”. I did go out with a cute guy who works in the same office building as I do, and we had a nice time and then he sent me a text the next morning saying he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything. I was bummed, but I always appreciate someone being straightforward. (There’s also a remote possibility that I’ll end up working at the same company, I had my second interview a week ago).
I am in decent shape, but would definitely not meet that dude’s height/weight requirements. And when I weighed 125 lbs, I looked really unhealthy.
Also, I never wear makeup, and I really don’t like hiking. I’m an indoor cat, and a lot of the time if I’m going for a walk I want there to be a restaurant or bar at the end of it. So that guy had some wrong ideas, for sure.
The stories I read here do not make me want to dive back into dating again. I think I’m just gonna stick with the one partner for the time being.
@Lucia_la aw, that’s really sweet that he stuck around to help you move! I think the unpacking is the best part, actually. I love setting up a new place.
I asked out a cute guy who works in my building yesterday! I have had a crush on him for over a year, but for the most part any time we see each other, he’s getting onto an elevator, or surrounded by coworkers. Yesterday we happened to be getting onto the elevator at the same time, and he was only going one floor so I decided to go for it. We are getting drinks at the Whiskey Bar on Sunday. I was a little worried about how J would react, since it’s been 7 months since I’ve dated anyone else, but he seemed totally comfortable with it.
@Cleo yeah, definitely time to write that dude off.
For the record, I met my partner on okcupid, but I actually prefer tinder. I feel like I have less of a tendency to rule people out for things that don’t actually matter when I use it. Okcupid gives me too much information.
I’m considering starting to date again, but I’m not sure I want to be actively looking for dates. Probably more just let myself be open to asking people out if I’m interested in them. There’s a guy who kind-of works on my floor, and he’s really cute, but he’s a consultant so he only comes to the office like once a month. I’ve had a crush on him for over a year and just haven’t been able to work up the courage to invite him for a drink.
I’m also a little worried about J’s reaction to the transition from me taking a break to me dating again. I hooked up with a friend a couple of months ago and he had a *really* strong reaction to it, but he doesn’t really know where it came from. He himself has been continuing to actively date and sleep with other people. I’m probably worried about nothing.
I matched with a guy on Tinder awhile back, we had some really good conversation at first, but within a week (we hadn’t met in person yet), he was bombarding me with text messages. It’s not even that I didn’t find him interesting, but I couldn’t keep up, and it was ALL THE TIME. All day, every day. Which felt really needy, and also made me wonder why he didn’t have better things to do. I lost interest pretty quickly.