Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Tui

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 42 total)
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  • in reply to: I’m losing my mind, and feel stupid #969591
    avatarTui
    Participant

    It sounds like you’re using her as a distraction and excuse for not changing things in your own life. If you were more fulfilled you’d find it easier to ignore what’s going on with her. It sounds more like she was your child than your girlfriend, and that you can’t let her grow up and do her own thing.

    in reply to: I’m losing my mind, and feel stupid #969558
    avatarTui
    Participant

    You’re not pathetic, but you know you need to disentangle your self from her life and dramas. You’re hurting yourself by staying in her orbit and it’s stopping you from moving on (and it kind of sounds like you’re judging/wanting to control her). Her bad decisions are her own to make.

    Block her on everything and go no contact, it’s the only way. Good luck.

    in reply to: Husband Late Life Style #969553
    avatarTui
    Participant

    I’d be a bit frustrated too, but like Mark, I think alternate weekends isn’t too excessive. I’d concentrate on making my own fun plans for those weekends and see friends or do stuff he wouldn’t want to do with you anyway. Is he the main crux of your social life? It’s healthy to have your own friends and not do everything as a couple.

    Unless he’s doing immoral/illegal things you need to let it go and trust him to look after himself. Once those friends start having kids, drift away and his hangovers are worse he may well get tired of that scene soon enough.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by avatarTui.
    in reply to: Emotionally abusive husband – stay or go?? #966258
    avatarTui
    Participant

    He’s abusive full stop and you should never go back. You need a divorce and he does not deserve your pity and compassion. It is his choice to drink, be mean and controlling, and yes he has used physical violence on you if he pulled the bed from under you.

    I’m sure he’s in pain and feels shame, but you need to be safe yourself and domestic violence organisations can help outline how to do that. You don’t have to give him another chance just because he’s abusing you less currently.

    Here in NZ there is a movement called ‘she is not your rehab’ and it’s so true.

    in reply to: International Move? Mixed Signals? #964244
    avatarTui
    Participant

    Even if your ex didn’t have his past problems, moving countries with your son is a terrible idea at this time! Covid has made international travel very difficult, and you will have no support network in a new country if things are tough.
    It’s great your ex is getting treatment and holding down a job, but why did you stay with him so long and get pregnant to him in the first place? Hopefully you’re also having therapy, but I think you’re trying to change your life too quickly and not thinking things through.It’s obviously a lot healthier for him to not be in a close relationship with you, but his son will be a big incentive for continuing his recovery.
    Also, many countries are very strict about who they let in – if he has a criminal record or documented drug problem, he may not be allowed to even visit and get turned away at the border.

    in reply to: Boyfriend cheaping out #963831
    avatarTui
    Participant

    Agree with everyone else – split up. The dynamic in your relationship is not healthy, but I can’t help thinking you’ve trained him to be this way as obviously buying him things and treating him presumably gives you pleasure. Personally I hate folks buying me things I don’t actually want or need, and it usually seems to be people that can’t actually afford to do so.

    in reply to: 26 with strict parent and help/advice #962364
    avatarTui
    Participant

    Till you dropped the bombshell of being pregnant way down in the piece, I would say move out and rent a room, but that wouldn’t be fair on whoever you live with. If you were independent before, I find it hard to believe that you’d move home and choose to live like you’re 12 again. What is your boyfriend doing? Have you found another job? Are you paying anything for rent, food utilities to show your mum that you’re a responsible adult?

    If you continue with the pregnancy, you definitely need to move out or your mother will likely shut you away due to the shame of it, then completely take over raising the kid.

    I am a cryer too when stressed, but you really need to stop wallowing and make plans to get out.

    in reply to: Diagnosis – share or keep quiet? #962254
    avatarTui
    Participant

    The thing with HPV is that most of the time it is cleared by the body in a few months, so he might not even have it anymore. Pretty much anyone who has ever had sex has been exposed to one or more types of HPV.

    Only the high risk ones are tested for that are potentially oncogenic (causes pre-cancer and cancer). Anal, mouth and throat cancers are often HPV related. It’s not something that’s prevented by using condoms like other STIs (except genital herpes, which is another infection that people may not know they have as around 50% of people with it are asymptomatic and never have an outbreak). Our only prevention is never having sex or vaccination like Gardasil, and cervical screening picks up pre-cancer changes that may need treatment.

    It can actually take months to years from HPV infection to having an abnormal smear, so you can’t assume it came from one particular person unless you’ve had negative high risk HPV screening previously.

    in reply to: Should I or Shouldn’t I Complain? #961661
    avatarTui
    Participant

    I get that this is frustrating and inconvenient, but I don’t think it’s worth going nuclear over. I don’t think you’re going to get the reaction you want, and will likely get labelled as difficult and someone to avoid.

    The time frame all seems very short too. If I wanted to use community property, I would request it at least 2-4 weeks in advance then it can go through the proper process which probably takes a while. Write a polite complaint letter setting out clearly your grievances and a brief version of what happened. I’m still not entirely sure what happened from reading the above (did the garage sale go ahead or not??). Don’t go in on Tuesday and yell at the staff please.

    in reply to: Boyfriend doesn’t take me out #961575
    avatarTui
    Participant

    I’d be tempted to just do the things you want to do, like going to dinner, cinema, going on holiday etc with friends or family instead. Maybe when he realises he’s missing out on cool stuff he’ll ask to come along or actually take some initiative. Rather passive aggressive though! Or just talk to him and say you want him to do more of a role in planning stuff. He probably thinks he’s being a great boyfriend by agreeing to whatever you want to do. The finances would really bug me though. Even if money is tight, there’s so many things that can be done for free.

    avatarTui
    Participant

    Make sure you have good insurance – it’s surprising how much it costs to replace everything, even if you acquired things secondhand rather than new. Say hello to your new neighbours when you move in – having people that you’re friendly with (don’t have to be friends) is really handy when you go away or manage to lock yourself out!
    If anything is broken in your place, like electrics, damp, mould or water leaking, then inform the landlord early so they can deal with it. Phone call plus email means there’s a communication trail if they are slow to deal with it and try to blame you for a problem later down the line. Open windows everyday for a while to ventilate the house – I’m sounding like my mother now!

    in reply to: Is it ever a good idea to contact his ex for clarity? #950778
    avatarTui
    Participant

    Will it change anything in your relationship with your husband if you do get answers? If you’re already feeling that you’re going mad and being gaslighted, therapy for you would probably be a better use of time to try and work out what is happening.

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