Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Tui

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • in reply to: Family over Love #1095733
    Tui
    Participant

    My goodness, yes, on the other thread we’re giving you guidance to leave your abusive boyfriend!

    Tui
    Participant

    You last saw them 6 years before the funeral? Then they don’t really know you. If you don’t have much contact normally why would that increase? They are probably still grieving and spending time with the people that are closest to them. You need to let it go.

    in reply to: Petty and Selfish Friend- It’s Me. I’m the Friend! #1092200
    Tui
    Participant

    Yeah your friends shouldn’t have a dog if they can’t care for it and they should be compensating you if you are using your own petrol money and spare time. Also, it’s harder to relax and enjoy your weekend if you’re not in your own place. Definitely pull back from what you’re doing. Also try and be more social. Say yes to meals out even if you don’t fancy the menu, you can eat before or after what you want. I’ve been to plenty of things I wouldn’t choose normally because I want to be spend time with people.

    in reply to: My Partner loves his dog more than me. #1090450
    Tui
    Participant

    sorry all, didn’t mean to post twice!

    in reply to: My Partner loves his dog more than me. #1090449
    Tui
    Participant

    If I was your partner, I’d be most upset you didn’t wait a few minutes for me to get out of the bathroom then say you’d like the dog to sleep elsewhere. It sounds like you did it to punish both of them because you were feeling annoyed.
    The relationship doesn’t sound functional for either of you, so please don’t get pregnant as I think you’d use that as a weapon try and to bully him into giving up the dog. Hormones can make you more irritable and less able to deal with stress, but they’re no excuse to treat people badly and then be upset they choose to avoid you.

    in reply to: My Partner loves his dog more than me. #1090448
    Tui
    Participant

    If I was your partner, I’d be most upset you didn’t wait a few minutes for me to get out of the bathroom then say you’d like the dog to sleep elsewhere. It sounds like you did it to punish both of them because you were feeling annoyed.
    The relationship doesn’t sound functional for either of you, so please don’t get pregnant as I think you’d use that as a weapon try and to bully him into giving up the dog. Hormones can make you more irritable and less able to deal with stress, but they’re no excuse to treat people badly and then be upset they don’t want to deal with you.

    in reply to: Am I unreasonable? #1075673
    Tui
    Participant

    Agree with the others, big red flags everywhere. Do you get to go out with friends and leave him in charge of the child you both parent overnight, or is it a one way street with him going out with his mates most weekends? It sounds like a rather lonely relationship for you if
    the wedding day evening is the only time you’re hoping for quality time together.

    in reply to: Friend’s Pregnancy Announcement #1029264
    Tui
    Participant

    Seriously let it go, as the others have said this is not about you and doesn’t reflect your friendship. I’m disturbed that you mention ‘we’ rather than I. Are you and your friends gossiping about the poor woman?

    People’s fertility journey is their business alone. I ask women about it everyday though – because I’m a gynaecologist! I never ever ask my friends or colleagues if they’re even planning on having any/more children, as I see so many couples struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss and every comment and question adds to their trauma.

    in reply to: Husband Late Life Style #969553
    Tui
    Participant

    I’d be a bit frustrated too, but like Mark, I think alternate weekends isn’t too excessive. I’d concentrate on making my own fun plans for those weekends and see friends or do stuff he wouldn’t want to do with you anyway. Is he the main crux of your social life? It’s healthy to have your own friends and not do everything as a couple.

    Unless he’s doing immoral/illegal things you need to let it go and trust him to look after himself. Once those friends start having kids, drift away and his hangovers are worse he may well get tired of that scene soon enough.

    in reply to: Emotionally abusive husband – stay or go?? #966258
    Tui
    Participant

    He’s abusive full stop and you should never go back. You need a divorce and he does not deserve your pity and compassion. It is his choice to drink, be mean and controlling, and yes he has used physical violence on you if he pulled the bed from under you.

    I’m sure he’s in pain and feels shame, but you need to be safe yourself and domestic violence organisations can help outline how to do that. You don’t have to give him another chance just because he’s abusing you less currently.

    Here in NZ there is a movement called ‘she is not your rehab’ and it’s so true.

    in reply to: International Move? Mixed Signals? #964244
    Tui
    Participant

    Even if your ex didn’t have his past problems, moving countries with your son is a terrible idea at this time! Covid has made international travel very difficult, and you will have no support network in a new country if things are tough.
    It’s great your ex is getting treatment and holding down a job, but why did you stay with him so long and get pregnant to him in the first place? Hopefully you’re also having therapy, but I think you’re trying to change your life too quickly and not thinking things through.It’s obviously a lot healthier for him to not be in a close relationship with you, but his son will be a big incentive for continuing his recovery.
    Also, many countries are very strict about who they let in – if he has a criminal record or documented drug problem, he may not be allowed to even visit and get turned away at the border.

    Tui
    Participant

    Earlier people were asking for a medical opinion, I’m late to the thread as was running a delivery suite! I’ve been an obstetric doctor for 10 years and it’s true that labour at 37/40 is not that common in a nullip, however anything can happen at any time in a pregnancy and often very quickly. A normal pregnancy is something we can only really say in hindsight once the postnatal period of 6 weeks is complete and nothing bad has happened. I don’t think statistics can be useful in deciding something like this as pregnancy is so unpredictable.

    When we have women going into labour or another complication with their partner not there (or drunk, being unsupportive and argumentative or occasionally violent) they can be very stressed and some struggle to make important decisions as they want their partner to be there to do it with them. It’s an overwhelming time in a woman’s life and they often have fears and convictions that something is going to go terribly wrong that they may not have even shared with their partner until that moment.

    It’s really good that you are going to stay home and find another way of being involved in the wedding. In addition I would make plans to do something special with your wife that day, as soon it will no longer be just the two of you. And never bring it up in the future unless it is to say what a wonderful time you had with her and that it was the right decision to stay home (even if at 42/40 you are having a post dates induction of labour and no-one can believe the baby hasn’t arrived yet!).

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