I don’t know… I just got the news that my sister got pregnant on purpose and expects my mother to take care of her during the pregnancy like she did the last one. In the three weeks she’s been in town, she’s been to the ER twice for bullshit reasons. It’s going to be just like the last time – a burden financially, emotionally, mentally and physically on my mom and my mom won’t want to kick her out because of the pregnancy and a 2 year old already in the picture. My mom already has heart problems and just had a complete hysterectomy 6 months ago, she doesn’t need to take care of my sister. She needs to take care of herself.
Ugh. My sister’s also pregnant (though significantly more independent). She’s due in April, and just informed me that she’s making our mom come down (she lives ~4 hours away and can’t drive the distance herself) for 9months to a year to help with baby care. She expects my husband, 10 y/o stepson and me to volunteer for 1-2 nights a week of babycare too.
But about our mom:
I asked, “what about Dad?! What’s he supposed to do all alone up North?”
“Oh, he can come down too.”
“Not the point. Mom needs him…”
Never-you-mind that our mom is of tenuous health, what with heart problems, and depression (technically, it’s bipolar disorder and manic depression, but with meds, it presents more like ‘typical’ depression). Oh sure. Give the woman a squalling infant to manage while taking away her primary support system (dad is the man!).
She expects you to help her 1-2 nights a week?? For how long?! I could see helping out for the first few weeks if you were next door neighbors and didn’t have a family of your own or something, but ti expect someone to do that is a little much. And this is coming from the girl who took a personal day to stay with one of my friends the first day her husband had to go back to work after having her baby.
*shudder* Sounds a lot like my sister. She expects my mom to just support her and her son for the entire pregnancy in an apartment that obviously cannot handle two extra people (especially when one is pregnant), plus send extra money down to TX to the father. The father is in the army, but still isn’t divorced from his first wife (who had a kid by another guy 2 years ago and is in a completely different state than any of us), so he isn’t getting much in the way of money for his first son. My sister stopped taking her birth control in order to get pregnant so she could force him to get his divorce finalized so he would marry her. *sigh* I want to beat my head on my desk at her idiotic “plan”.
The last time she did this, my mom and stepdad nearly lost all their money trying to afford my sister, and she was blowing through the boyfriend’s money too (he was in Afganistan at the time). I can’t afford to help out this time, and the boyfriend’s car is sitting in my yard in poor repair (it would be easier to sell it for scrap than fix it, I know, I’ve made a few discreet inquiries). She has no license, so even if I could dig it out of 3-4 feet of hardpacked snow – I am not giving it to her to drive around with.
My sister figures that if my mom can’t watch her 2 year old, then I will because hey, what’s another kid around my house since I already have four of them. I am tempted to forbid everyone from mentioning my spare bedroom around her. My stepdad is furious at the situation, even if he understands why my mother won’t kick her to the curb.
You’ll definitely need to define your limits right away. Unless you want to watch the baby that much you need to tell her that you can’t be her regular babysitter. I’d tell her that it would be too disruptive to my own family to watch her baby that much and your own family has to be your priority just as her baby will be her priority. Tell her what you are willing to do, say babysitting once in a month. If you let her push you into this now you will establish a pattern where she takes advantage of you with her baby all of the time, maybe for the next 18+ years.
2012 is shaping up to be a good year, my husband´s business is finally getting some money, so we´ve planned vacations, and are defining just how we´re going to finish our house. 🙂
My brother is off to live a year (well 2 5-6 month periods) in the Middle East, so I´m going to miss his help a lot (since he doesn´t really have a fixed work schedule he usually helps me when I need a hand with the girls).
I am going to start resting a bit more though, I´m exhausted!!!
Merlo. It´s going to be fun such a long road trip with the baby (the eldest is amazing, last Summer we went to Mendoz and she was an angel there and back!) But, we couldn´t really decide where to go, and since Merlo´s a place that wepve always wanted to go, and all our friends love it, there we are!!
I went to Merlo once. It’s a lovely place. My sister and I were 15 and 14 and my baby sister had just been born, it was great. My parents even went back a couple of times.
My big sister and I are going. We’ll stay in Punta del Diablo and Valizas. I stayed with her for three months in Rosario back in June (she lives there) and it was awesome, and I really miss her. And I’ve never been to Uruguay before, so I’m really excited about everything.
Awesome. 🙂 We´ve been wanting to go, as well, there are just so many great places to see, it´s hard to decide where to go!!!
It must be nice having such a good relationship with your sister (and being so close in age!)
She’s amazing. She made me an X-Men cake for my birthday and we went to a costumes party as Magenta and Dr. Frank-n-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show. And she’s helping with the fanzine now, collaborating with her point of view, and that’s ultra brave and kind (most people get really uncomfortable). I’m sorry your brother is going away. What is he going to do in ME?
It´s kind of complicated, there´s a quasi-branch of my mum´s husband´s business (where my brother works) opening over there, my brother travelled twice last year, but now they´ve asked him to stay there to supervise things for this year.´I´m really going to miss all of his help, but it is a great opportunity for him. And I´m really sorry for how much my eldest is going to miss him, she loves her uncle!!! Plus by being over there he´s going to miss out on my youngests 1st birthday, our mother´s 60th, and he´s not going to be here for his 30th, either.
That’s sad. I hope she can keep herself entertained with the baby when she grows bigger/funnier and not miss her uncle so much. Did she want a baby sister? Is she jealous or anything? My sis didn’t even want to put on clothes for my first birthday. She’s standing in the corner in her diapers hating everybody in all the pictures.
She loves her baby sister, but can also be terribly jealous. It´s actually getting worse as the baby starts doing more stuff, don´t even ask about the huge tantrum on Christmas because she thought the baby had more presents than she did (even though she took all the toys off her, and was trying on the clothes, as well). It´s especially tough on her because she was the only girl on my husband´s side, and the only grandchild in Argentina on my side, so was pretty spoiled. Now she doesn´t want to give up the limelight.
BUt, she has started asking for another sibling. We´ve closed shop though.
After all the crap 2011 slung at me, I’m kind of incredulous about 2012 being a good year or not. Just the other day, I was writing down the date on an order form and accidentally put 1/4/10 as the date… I guess my mind doesn’t want it to be ’11 OR ’12!
Nutshell: It looks like 2012 is going to be another stressful year, but I have high hopes that I’ll come out on top of it all.
My boyfriend said he thinks this will be “a good year for us,” so we’ll see 🙂
The first part of January is always a depressing time, just because the holidays are over, family goes back home, and the decorations come down. Not to mention the weather is dreary and no end is in sight. But this year, I made a list of things I’m looking forward to to keep my chin up. So far, the list includes trying new recipes in my slow cooker, making homemade pierogies, using our gift card to our favorite sushi place, and taking my little brother out for his 21st birthday 🙂
OOH, that could be a telling statement. Perhaps he plans to make it a good year for you! 🙂
What is your favorite sushi place? We’ve been wanting to try sushi. We tried going to Pacific East in Solon because it was recommended by some of my coworkers but all of a sudden they’re closed. We still want to try it but don’t know where the best places are.
Haha!! That’s ok. And no, it still hasn’t happened yet. He’s running out of time and I officially refuse to hope any longer. Hoping has gleaned nothing but disappointment! I got good Christmas presents but not the big one I wanted. He said “Why does it have to be on a holiday?” to which I replied “It doesn’t, but I’m really sick you holding up my future so the sooner we figure out what’s happening the better.” We had a whole conversation where he agreed that I am basically functioning as a wife already and deserve the promotion…but talk is still just talk. I’m about to the end of my rope with this man so he better hurry up if wants his good cushy life to continue.
It might be a far drive for you, but our absolute favorite sushi restaurant is Kasai in Wadsworth. Everything there is amazing. Plus, Sundays from 3 to 5:30 is half off sushi, and Thursday nights are half-price appetizers.
Anna, I had to jump in because I noticed you’re local!! (I’m relocating to Twinsburg from Mentor.) My friend just checked out Shinano on Miles, said the food was good but the service left something to be desired. If you don’t mind coming north a little, Otani in Mayfield is good and so are Sushi Rock and Shuhei in Beachwood. AND…if you’re on the West Side ever, check out Daishin in North Olmsted — it’s my absolute FAVORITE sushi place!
The only complaint I have so far is that I did a killer workout on Wednesday and still can’t walk right. Other than that, 2012 has been great so far! I’m looking forward to enjoying my first year of marriage and I’m so happy to have all the wedding stress behind me!
It’s been awesome so far!
A friend and I felt people weren’t getting us, so we decided to put together a fanzine with advice/activities to help you communicate with survivors of sexual assault. We’ve been working for five days now, involving our friends, and it’s looking really good! And it’s going to have parts you complete before giving them to people who want to help, and then they complete theirs and give it back, and conversation pointers (like a list of questions maybe you can ask) and we’re both so happy to be dealing with it openly.
Also, my two graphic novels will be published this year, I have the best job I’ve ever had, and I’m going to the beach (Uruguay) in a week. So go 2012!
It will be ready soon, in english and spanish, so if you know anyone who might like to have it you can request a copy to piniataderohypnol@gmail.com
It will be centered around sexual communication with new partners and how to break the taboo enough to have fulfilling (not gloomy) conversations about it with your support system. Also, anyone who wants to participate is more than welcome.
So far, I am optimistic about 2012. I don’t get the blues in January-February because of the holidays being over…we have birthdays! My boyfriend’s is Jan 21 and mine is Feb 24. For his birthday, we are going on a weekend trip to Rochester, NY where he grew up. We go every year to watch a Knighthawks lacrosse game and eat ribs at Dinosaur BBQ. This year, it just so happens that their season opener game against their biggest rival falls on his birthday. We have tickets and a nice hotel room booked, plus we always rent a car for the 4 hour drive since all of our cars are old and unreliable. Can’t wait! He’s excited too, said he’s looking forward to a romantic getaway with me 🙂 And this man NEVER uses the word romantic, I thought he was allergic to it.
2012 is scary…I applied to grad school in the fall and it’s more likely that I won’t get in than I will, so checking the mail and checking the different websites everyday has begun even though I probably won’t hear until the middle-end of the month (that doesn’t stop me from checking just in case of course!)
So far so good – took this week off work – had my anniversary on the 3rd and now am looking forward to our delayed anniversary celebration – a Caribbean cruise in February – yay!
My husband has two great job offers for when he gets out of the Navy in 70 some odd days so we’re quite excited about that! Also lately we’ve both been tossing around ideas about saving up all the “extra” money we’ll have once he starts the new job and eventually, possibly move over seas. Of course that’s at least two years down the line since I have a year and a half in the Service. So far this year has started off right, I hope it continues that way.
Our 2012 calender is filling up with appointments and trips planed so if everything holds together it’ll be a fun year. The Costa Rica vacation will be delayed for a few weeks until March (no big deal) then Phoenix in April and Ohio in May. June or July will find us in western Canada and Seattle and a few stops between. The biggest downside is that we live 3 hours from an airport which makes those early AM flights a bitch to get up for. Sometimes we stay in a hotel near the airport the night before. All this travel will complicate our fostering some kittens in the spring but we’ll work around that. The garden will just have to take care of it’s self again. There’s no rest for the wicked eh?
If you ever host a training course on how to design years save me a seat there, please. Costa Rica sounds great! What will you be doing there?
And what’s the deal with the kittens? Do you get a box of them, watch them grow and be cute and find their forever homes? I used to do that for the vet across the street, people used to abandon lots of kitties and puppies at his doorstep.
Costa Rica vacation is just that with our old housemates. They go there for dental care, this time we’ll join them for 2 weeks of warm weather. My wife retired last Sept. so time isn’t as restrictive. I’ll post some jpegs on my web site when we get back and check in during the trip.
For the last 4 years we’ve fostered kittens from the county animal control totaling 28 so far. A bit of work for sure but lots of fun. The hard part is taking them back (whimper). Two of our permanent resident adult cats were among our foster babies. Last year we took care of some new born babies that had to be bottle feed every 2 hours. That left me to wonder how Wendy or anyone else could do it for months with a 2 legged dipper filler. But then they grow up and claw their way up you leg and into your heart.
Once I was leaving my college town to go visit my family for Christmas and, while I was going to my farewell party the night before, I found 9 kitties in the garbage. They were like 2 weeks old. I found homes for two of them that day, and took the other seven in the bus with me for six hours, disguised as luggage (covering their noise involved a lot of energy and fake coughs). And they were really skinny and throwing up on eachother, but only one of them died, and the rest got really nice homes. My sister kept one of them, Chuz Chuz Bolton (he died last year).
Gold star rescue Rainbow, I can only wonder how and why people abandon animals when shelters will take them. In our area we have 3 that don’t euthanize adoptable critters. Even Ferrel cats are placed as barn cats after surgery and inoculation. I’ve got some pics of last year’s broods among my fb albums. I’m looking forward to kitten season.
I raised an abondoned litter of 6 kitties almost 5 years ago. It was exhausting but so rewarding. We only lost one, and that was with in the first 48 hours. I kept one of babies, my Franky. I would foster again in a heart beat.
We’ll be on the west coast around Papaguyo. This is my first trip to there. Last year we stopped there enroute to Panama and I was too sick with a cold to go any further then the dock. There’s a bunch of eco parks with beautiful funa to enjoy. I checked the real estate available and found an lovely 80 room hotel available for a mere 6 million…
I have high hopes for 2012 after my craptacular 2011. I spent another year at a shitty, low-paying job, all the while sending out dozens of resumes and cover letters that were mostly ignored despite my networking efforts. I also managed to go almost the whole year without a single date due to my laser-like focus on trying to find a new job. I felt like my life was on hold all last year; it was awful.
I’m hopeful that a new job prospect I have on the horizon comes through for me in the next few weeks; so far, so good. I can’t take another year of where I’m at now.
The first 6 days of 2012 have been awesome for me! I went to my first Eagles game (7th row!), discussed wedding plans with my BF and both our families, started making plans for our families to finally meet (its only been 4 years!) and told my BF’s family we were moving in together! We also drove 900 miles, packed and moved all of my belonging in less than 6 hours and started legal precedings to break my lease at my shady apartment (sex offenders and drug dealers no thank you). This weekend I get to organize the bedroom/closet to combine our clothes. Also we set up an at home bar. Hooray dirty martinis at home!
The rest of the year holds his sisters wedding, my sisters high school graduation, us getting engaged and hopefully our wedding! I can not wait!
So far 2012 has been so full of nerves I could have created a jewelry store full of diamonds between my butt cheeks in just the last week. Sorry I know that’s gross.
I’m trying to focus on the positives- I have a dedicated and loving boyfriend and we are going on two happy years together, I have a supportive and involved family, I’ve had the privilege to study in a field that I am passionate about, and I have an amazing job in my chosen field. But for now, the pervading thoughts in my head are all focused around the fact that I’m taking the California bar exam in about two months. It’s like a big monkey on my back that I can’t shake off no matter how positive I try to keep my head space or how much I focus on what a whitegirl firstworld problem this is. Sometimes it feels like if I fail, people will finally realize that I’ve been faking this whole “smart” thing all along. I know that’s just my ego and it’s dumb, but this test is kind of pervading my every thought and action and paralyzing me from focusing on my studying, which makes it all worse of course.
First of all, stop telling yourself it’s a dumb worry. Yes, you should stop worrying so much about it, but it’s not *dumb.* It’s perfectly understandable. And, yeah, it might be a “#whitegirlproblem,” but it’s still something valid to be worried about.
That being said, don’t worry about it 🙂 Your job does not define you. You are SOO much more than what you do for a living, or what your grades say, or what your test scores are. You are doing what you LOVE. You are fortunate to be able to do so. You have accomplished so much already- have a little faith in yourself 🙂 If you don’t pass the first time, so what? You are a strong, smart, creative person, and you will land on your feet no matter what!
My uncle is one of the smartest men I know. However back in the day he had some trouble taking the NY Bar exam. Like a lot of trouble. Like passed on his sixth try but only after my Grandma put the fix in with St Jude by going to church every day for 2 months. His rocky start as a lawyer has not deterred him from having a successful 30 year career. My family never thought he was ever dumb and understood that the bar is just one of many of life’s hoops, if that takes 1 jump or 6 that wont matter in the end.
Thanks for sharing that savannah. And that’s awesome for your grandpa! It’s funny, whenever people learn that I’m studying for the Bar, they love to tell me about how JFK Jr. failed like, a bunch of times. Well I’m not a Kennedy fuckers! I mean, my family isn’t poor, but we’re hardly an American dynasty! 😛 Anyway, it IS good to hear about the good, smart people out there that make it through this monstrosity.
I looove it. I took it at a time when my anxiety was keeping me from functioning, and it just kinda melted my worries away but didn’t change me much otherwise. Very mild. I didn’t take it every day, just when I really needed it. I highly recommend it!
I know how you feel. I have an exam on Wednesday (not nearly as important as the bar though!) and I am so worried about it, that I can’t seem to keep myself from procrastinating.
I think we just need to learn to relax. I think that’s the key. Worrying definitely affects my ability to focus. My nerves are totally getting the best of me.
I actually lol’ed at the jewelry store joke. Butt humor is hilarious (and this is why I get along so well with my middle schoolers).
You are going to do great on the bar – just remember to give yourself moments when you can relax. Whether that’s booking a massage, inviting friends over for dinner and bad movies, or blocking out an hour for yoga, give yourself permission to enjoy it without feeling guilty that you should be studying. My study break of choice was usually sushi and Millionaire Matchmaker (or Six Feet Under on DVD if I’m feeling classy) but figure out what you need to do to beat away the burnout. Good luck!
Butt humor is the best. I will use ANY excuse to call someone an asshat. Maybe I should consider a career with middle schoolers if this law thing doesn’t work out…
Thank you for your kind words! Dude, Patti Stanger is amazing, I can never look away from that show.
K y’all, I’m off to study! On a Saturday night. Boo.
Mixed: things are rocky with the boyfriend and I’m looking at a job offer that could either be really good or really bad for us… I am also a diamond-producing-clenched-ass-cheek machine, so HmC, you have my sympathy.
Mine is good so far, and yet not…I keep stewing over some stupid things I did in the past (like two years ago). Things that I should be able to forgive myself for, and yet I can’t.
About two years ago, I was dating two guys. I told them both I wouldn’t have sex with either of them until I chose. Then I got my job in another state, while Guy #1 was away on vacation, and ended up sleeping with Guy #2. I felt awful, told him about it, he was upset but didn’t break things off with me or anything and it was fine. I recently told my current boyfriend about this, to get it off my chest.
Then the other day I remembered something else. After that incident, before Guy #1 (who I later ended up dating until he cheated on me and then broke up with me) came back from his vacation, I got contacted by a former FWB/fuck buddy of mine. I told him I was talking to someone else now (was very serious about Guy #1, and had plans to meet up when he got back even though I would only have about a week with him until I moved out of state for the new job). He begged me to come over. I did, just “to say goodbye.” And I ended up kissing him. Nothing more than kissing, but still. At the time, I felt good about it, because I had “passed the test,” so to speak, and I felt like I was ready to move on and be with Guy #1 even though there probably wasn’t a future in it (at that point I didn’t know he would be willing to try a LDR with me once I moved).
But now I feel like a slut/skank/cheater/whore/what-have-you. I know it’s stupid to beat myself up about something that happened years ago, and was such a “gray area” thing to begin with. But I can’t seem to stop. 🙁
Unless you’re cheating on your current boyfriend, you have nothing to worry about. You weren’t in a committed relationship with either of them, and they knew that. Based on the above, if you’re a slut, then I’m a HUGE slut. And I’m not a huge slut, so you can’t be a slut! 🙂
See it as a learning moment. You’ve discovered what you will and won’t do in future relationships. You’ve learned that you’re a basically very decent person who hates doing things that aren’t nice. You wouldn’t feel this bad for this long if you weren’t a good person with a conscience. Know that you’ll never be like that again because it just isn’t you and forgive yourself for making some mistakes. These weren’t your best moments but they are now defining moments and are helping you to be a better person so it’s okay to forgive yourself.
Oh honey. If your boyfriend were the one who was saying all this stuff you’re telling us and making you feel like hell over something you couldn’t possibly change if you tried, I’d tell you he’s a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk. But you’re just being a jerk to yourself. There’s a quote from Eat, Pray, Love (the book) that I go back to anytime I’m self-flagellating over something as if feeling bad enough will make it not true: “Guilt’s just your ego’s way of tricking you into thinking that you’re making moral progress.” Because so many of us – myself among them – seem to think that regarding yourself as a big enough asshole somehow cancels out whatever you did. And it doesn’t – it only makes you a person capable of doing a not-so-nice thing who ALSO feels like hell about herself. Use it as a tool – introspect to the point that you know why you did it and what triggered the behavior you don’t like, and then go let yourself off the hook for the rest of it. You don’t deserve that treatment, especially not from yourself.
2012 is pretty great so far. My girlfriend is pretty awesome, the Ravens have a bye in the playoffs, the Caps keep winning, I just moved to Capitol Hill (in DC), and I have a job at least until April. Quite good. Now if only my gf would get back from California. Just gotta wait until after the Super Bowl…
2012 has been quiet so far, but it’s been a good week.
I’ve also decided to try online dating. I don’t know how this goes about though. In terms of online dating rules, do men typically message women first, or can I message someone who seems interesting?
I’ve been doing online dating and I think its good to let the guy know your interested. Sometimes I’ll give him 5 or 4 stars to start things or a quick hello and mention something in his profile. It seems like guys don’t expect girls to message them and are pleasantly surprised when we do.
I (upon joining OKCupid on a dare from my roomie) ended up messaging a guy who I thought was cute, kind of on a whim because we came from the same small town and we had a few similar interests. He ended up responding and now we have been dating for 1.5 years!
He said that women RARELY message (he had been on there a couple times) but that when they do it is always a good thing. Guys don’t have tons of time (or energy) to scour every profile. I just think it would be horrible to think you might have missed out on meeting someone amazing just because you were afraid to message him and he never saw your profile, or thought that you were too awesome for him, etc, etc.
i agree, i messaged my now husband first. like you said if you leave it up to the guy they might miss out on your profile. there are so many people on those things you have to be proactive!
2012 is shaping up to be a great year for me 🙂 My husband is coming home later this year, my mom and I (and by proxy my husband) are buying a duplex together so we can be neighbors and both my stepkids get their own room (and I get a huge basement rec room), I am going on my first cruise, I just got a job (well, not a “job” since I won’t get paid, but maybe in the future it can be a real job) writing for a metal music magazine, and my new blog is taking off with almost 600 hits in less than 2 months. I’ve had a horrible last few years, so I figure I’m about due for a good one.
I’m really excited about it. The reason I started my blog was because I wanted to get back into writing and I wanted to write about something I love (music). I did a short post on the metal magazine becase its brand new (so far its only online but the editor told me we are expected to start going to print in March) and I wanted to help spread the word and it all just came together from there since the editor saw my post.
the second half of 2011 and the first part of 2012 have been great. i mentioned earlier in 2011 that my grandfather was having surgery in december. it went very well. he had an aneurysm in his stomach fixed and they were able to save his left kidney. the doctor says he should make a full recovery. we’re all very very thankful for this! my dogs are currently cuddling with me and my husband and my job is going well. i really couldn’t ask for much more, except to get to see my family that lives in Virginia more.
I’m glad your grandfather is expected to make a full recovery! And there’s nothing better than dog snuggles. Right now one of mine is snoring away on the love seat across the room and the other one is licking the side of the couch (because she’s kind of special).
haha that’s too funny one of our dogs is an obsessive licker too. some times we have to yell at her in the middle of the night because she’s licking the comforter so loud.
Emma licks the couch and sometimes the tables mostly. We gate them in the kitchen at night and sometimes I have to get up and say words I never thought I’d have to put together: “Stop chewing on the appliances!”
haha yeah we find ourselves yelling, ‘stop licking your brothers penis’ and ‘if you lick her butt one more time i’m putting you in the room’. ahh dogs!
2012 is good so far, but I’m terrified beyond belief at how much CHANGE will likely happen in 2012. I understand that change is good, but we’re talking me hopefully getting my first big girl full time job, my boyfriend hopefully getting his first big boy full time job, me FINALLY moving out of my parents’ house and on my own, my boyfriend and I hopefully moving so we can live closer than 300 miles apart, us possibly sharing an apartment (never lived with a boyfriend; heck never even HAD a serious boyfriend until my current relationship), maybe more changes? Like I said, change. And LOTS of it. AND the boyfriend will be living halfway across the world for 3 months for a study abroad program starting in March. AND many of these major decisions will likely come around the time he’s going to be out of the country.
I actually could use some advice regarding the move from a LDR to a more traditional relationship setting where I can see him more often than once per month. I know Wendy has touched on it in some of her articles, but does anyone have additional advice when thinking/talking about a potential transition from a LDR? I don’t want us to rush into things and things just fall apart, but I know that we’re both more than ready to see each other more often than once every month. We’ve discussed things like having more of a roommate apartment situation where we each have our own space and split the costs down the middle and everything. The thing is, we’re both in the same field and it is unlikely that both of us will get a job in the same area. One might get a job in the middle of nowhere in one state, the other might get a job in the middle of nowhere in a different state, and where does that leave us? One of us might accept a job and the other might not and just move to be with the other person…but I don’t want to put my career on hold and neither does he…ugggghhhhh.
Is there an area of the country that is particularly good for your field? Maybe you two can coordinate job searches so that at worst, you live like 2-3 hours away from each other, but at best, you can live together.
Thanks for the idea, WatersEdge. Unfortunately right now EVERYWHERE is pretty selective in our field because there have been a lot of cuts and those people who have been let go are also looking for jobs right now. I’m competing with people who have 10, 20 years of experience. My boyfriend and I are both in music education…something that is unfortunately often first on the chopping block when schools make cuts. 🙁
That would be SO FUN. If only I had resources. And time. And energy. Maybe sometime down the line!! He is actually a classical music composer too, so I’ve been suggesting to him to try to get the attention of different music publishers and then maybe I could get the job of my dreams and he could work at home as a composer…and he could be a substitute teacher on top of that so he could fill in for me when I’m sick. 🙂
That is so awesome! A composer! Wow! I have barely any musical talent, so I’m always impressed by music people like you two. And a music school is something to keep in mind! I have a friend/acquaintance who started her own school when she graduated college, and she seems really happy. She even has like four other people teaching with her now. So it can be done!
Yeah, I too think it’s really cool that he composes. That is one aspect of music I’m not very good in. For my senior recital a couple years ago he wrote a piece for me to play, and for the recital he played the piano part. It was awesome!
I just went from a LDR to a short distance relationship 8 months ago. My recommendation would be talk about everything. Communication is the key to any relationship, which I’m sure you know from being long distance. Also try to make some friends independent of your BF. Its hard and I’ve been very unsuccessful myself, but I wish I had some! Good luck!
Yes indeed, communication is vital. I’ve been with the boyfriend for 2.5-ish years now so I definitely know the importance of talking about everything!! We both unfortunately have extreme stubbornness issues at times and have had issues compromising on some things in the past. Hopefully when we start talk about these transitions we will understand each other and listen to each other without pulling the “I’m right and there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind” card.
I have high hopes for this year. And I haven’t broken a resolution yet! Woohoo! I suppose the downside is that I have an oral surgery coming in February-March, but it’s also a positive thing for me. Crappy only because it’s surgery.
About a bit more than a year ago my mom started to be really depressed (shed cry at work, cry at home, etc). Then she met this guy at the swimming pool she goes to (hes the lifeguard). She completely fell in love with him or something like really fast. Before they even started dating he told her she needed to lose weight (my mom always complained about my dad calling her fat among other things). Instead of telling him to f off she came back home crying. Next thing you know they are ‘dating’. She goes over to his house once a week (usually Thursdays cause its convenient for him) and prepares food for him. Comes back home with dirty Tupperware around 3 am, even though she has to wake up really early to go to work. Or they see each other at the pool, but only when HE wants. He never takes her out anywhere (I am not sure if she told him she’d like to actually go out somewhere), again, she always complained about my dad not taking her out anywhere.(He also bought her like 2 gifts that are totally not her style and for some reason that really bothers me).
I started telling my mom she should go to therapy, since I have no idea what to do to get her out of depression. She resisted the idea a lot and finally started going, I don’t remember when she started, a little before July 2011 I think.
Yesterday I went to her to the pharmacy and asked her what she was buying so she indirectly told me she was buying medication for her Bipolar Disorder. I was a little bit shocked that she had not told me she had been diagnosed, so I asked her why she hadn’t told me before (I knew she was taking meds, but I thought they were only to help her sleep). According to her there is no reason for her to tell me about her having Bipolar Disorder. The when we got home she asked my brother to read out the indications of one of the meds she bought, and there we learnt she also happens to have Schizophrenia…
I also asked her what the opinion of her psych was on her relationship with the pool guy, cause I never liked that she was in it. I mean, she started it when she was depressed. He called her fat even before they started dating. He never takes her out or sees her as often as she’d like. Her psych recommended her to break up with him, but she won’t do it cause she stills loves him despite the fact that he doesn’t treat her right.
She complained about him not taking her out, and she cries if he doesn’t answer her ims. She has the cellphone on her hand ALL the time, even when we go out to do something together. Its like its part of her hand! SO basically shes been acting like a 15 year old girl that has never been in love before and is repeating the pattern of going out with guys that don’t really care about her.
She also said a lot of mind boggling things when we were in the car about relationships but this post is already too long.
That’s really sad! Do you live with your mom? Is it just you and your brother or would anyone else be interested in helping? Do you depend on her financially or otherwise?
Yea I live with her and unfortunately I depend on her financially. I really need to get a job. And its mostly me and my brother ( I have another brother but he is over in the US).
“The when we got home she asked my brother to read out the indications of one of the meds she bought, and there we learnt she also happens to have Schizophrenia…”
What does this mean?
Just so you know (to try to take one sadness off your plate) it’s highly unlikely that your mother has schizophrenia in addition to bipolar. Does that mean that she was prescribed an antipsychotic drug? Those are used for a host of things, including as a sleep aid and as a bipolar med, so that doesn’t mean she has schizophrenia.
The meds shes taking are Risperdal, Meplar 20 (paroxetine), and Cloragin 2 (clonazepam).
The indications of the Risperdal pretty much said its to treat schizophrenia.Yesterday I was reading symptoms of it and she does seem to have many of them (Irritable or tense feeling, Difficulty sleeping, Social isolation, Anxious, Angry or argumentative, False believes that others are trying to harm you (she thinks I’m trying to control her all the time or that ppl do things to her cause they are jealous ), Childlike behavior, Showing little emotion, Lack of activity, Does not respond much to other people)
I also asked her when my brother was reading the med indications (I said something like: oh you have schizophrenia too? What does that mean? ) and she answered yes but she didn’t know what it meant which doesn’t make sense, doesn’t the psych tell them what symptoms they are showing and why they are giving you certain meds ? So I don’t know, hopefully you are right and she was given it to also treat her bipolar disorder
While Risperidone/Risperdal is an atypical anti-psychotic that can be used to treat schizophrenia, it is also commonly prescribed to treat bipolar disorder. Either way, this sounds like a tremendously difficult situation you are experiencing with your mother and my thoughts are with you.
A good friend’s mom was bipolar and she told me that her mom made all serious decisions while in a manic high. While she was in the depressed phase she was just too depressed to make any decisions or changes in her life. So she got divorced while on a manic high, moved to California on a manic high and joined a new religion on a manic high. Your mom may be the same and while she remains depressed she won’t be able to breakup with her jerk.
The best recommendation I can make is to get out. Get a job – several, if you must – save up money, find roommates and get out. It’s far easier to set boundaries as an independent adult than as a dependent. And that is really all you can do, unfortunately. Set boundaries as far as what you will and won’t help your mother on, what you will and won’t talk about, and once you move out, under what conditions you will see her.
Also, I would talk to a mental health professional as well, ASAP. He or she will help you figure out those boundaries, give you coping strategies for dealing with your mom in the most productive way that also protects you, and help you reconcile yourself to how little say you get in what your mom does. Wish you the best!
Ok, so you guys are right 🙂 the schizophrenia med is for her bipolar disorder. So shes just bipolar. No schizophrenia, yay.( I asked her clearly if the psych had told her she had schizophrenia or not, she said no, the med is for my bipolar disorder, hopefully shes not lying) I’ll definitely work on the get out of here plan. Thanks for the advice, anything helps :).
Yea I live with her and unfortunately I depend on her financially. I really need to get a job. And its mostly me and my brother ( I have another brother but he is over in the US).
It’s too early to tell how the year is going. But, I am managing to keep at least one of my resolutions – the one where I do 30 days in a row of hot yoga. So far I’m on track. I’ve done 6 days in a row, and in 2 hours I will have completed 7 days in a row! … Just 23 days to go. FML. I’m already sick of it. I have sweaty towels and clothes hanging to dry everywhere. Plus…. it’s so damn hot, and time consuming. But I’m pushing forward. Off I go. Here I go now. … Oh, have you guys seen Shit Yogis Say? It’s funny (I think): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMC1_RH_b3k
Yup!! It’s scary because they put your name up on the wall for all to see and cross off each day at a time… Talk about accountability! They say you should do the 60 day challenge and it will change your life forever. Well, I’m going to Mexico on Feb. 1 so I didn’t plan accordingly for that. Besides, let me first see if I can make it to 30. 23 days to go sounds…. shitty.
8 days, done! Sorry, this is not going to be a very fun count down for you guys. I’ll count quietly to myself. Today was my best class ever, though I almost passed out.
This week has been strenuous; too emotional, too stressful… It is a time to be grateful for all I’ve accomplished over the last few years (Bachelors! Promotions! Vacations! …); but now I find myself a bit lost looking for what’s next. I need some balance and am not sure where to start.
In the meantime, I’m trying some new recipes… 😉
I’m right there with you. My life came to a dull roar at 25 when I noticed I had wasted too much time partying and not enough time with my girlfriend and education. About to turn 28 in 3 weeks has had me thinking. I have the education down and I have gotten my career down. Not to toot my own, but I’ve been very excited in the last two years to have gotten over a 30% raise. I never thought I would do as well as I have career and education wise, even though I made some poor choices along the way.
Now that I’ve obtained these goals, I too, feel a bit lost. I’m in my career and I will most likely work on obtaining a second degree in Accounting in August. My friends, for the most part, are getting married and having children. I’m opposed to getting married and having children just yet, but I’ve been chomping at the bit for something more serious relationship wise. I’ve been fortunate enough to go out on dates, but there isn’t enough there to move to something more serious.
I have a couple of guy friends that are in the same boat as I am and we are all pondering what our next steps will be. Even the women that I know that are in the same boat, seem to be content with staying single for a while because it’s a blast for them. I’m at that stage to where I’m ready to comfortably take the next step to serious commitment, since I haven’t been committed in almost 3 years. I’m ready but I don’t want to settle for just anything. It’s such a draining process since I’ve been somewhat stuck doing the same thing day in and day out.
This year is going to be my year to travel. Haven’t been anywhere in 3 years for vacation and I’m so excited to go to Myrtle Beach for a week. I want to go to Las Vegas again as well. Out of all the accomplishments I’ve had the last few years, I truly miss making memories with a significant other.
Sorry for the long rant, just been on my mind all weekend. Feel much better that it’s off my chest and other people can comment.
Hope your vacation in Myrtle Beach is fun! My husband and I live just a little south of there. If you’re looking for a more relaxed atmosphere while you’re here come down to Pawleys Island 🙂
We are planning on going to the Boardwalk most of the time we are there. I’m going with my buddy and his wife, since he was stationed two hours from Myrtle Beach. Me and my girlfriend loved it at the time. We aren’t together since we broke up about 7 months after that trip, and that stopped my trip traveling.
I’m in a position to travel and have a ball this year in some new places. I’ve just been in a same routine kind of funk the last few months and I’m really ready to get out of it.
This year is good so far. It’s my second year of marriage, and being married is getting easier. It wasn’t all that hard to begin with, but we’re at the point where we’re starting to divide up labor without having to talk about it, and learning what bugs the other and how to get around it. We’re also getting on the same page financially, which took some doing. So I’m liking that about 2012.
2012 is the year that I graduate with my doctorate (woot woot!) and the year of Getting Our Financial House In Order to Prepare for Baby. We have no pregnancy yet, but probably this time next year we’ll start trying. Since this is the last year I may be a non-parent, I’m trying to enjoy my me-time and have lots of fun with my husband. It’s working so far!
It’s 2012! I’ve finally decided that I’m going to start my own freelancing business and by August I’ll quit my boring ass day job. I went out and financed a brand new iMac and all the software I need to get started. I’ve been studying my ass off at Lynda.com and I have several potential clients lined up! I CAN DO THIS! I tend to start a lot of things, but I quit early on (mostly due to lack of confidence) but I this is going to be the year to turn things around.
My big thing this year is that I turn fifty and so does my husband and we’re asking how we could possibly be 50. I feel like I’m 25 or 30 but somehow can’t be because I have a 20 year old son. I’m happy. I enjoy my life and my husband and my kids and my friends. Plans for this year include paying off our mortgage in the next few months, buying a new car and redecorating the interior of our house. We’d also like to visit England this summer but have no formal plans yet.
It’s great and will enable us up to pay for other things like England and a car! We have 18 months left on the mortgage but we’re going to sell some stock options and pay it off now to free up more income to do the things we want to do. Last year we mentioned to my uncle that we only had three years left on our mortage and he commented that a paid for house is a valuable thing and his words keep coming back to both of us and we agree so much and want to finish it off now.
I’ve been sick so far in 2012 but I am finally on the mend and going to go run at the gym after I finish my cup of coffee:)
This will be a good year. This is the year I am getting married! In fact just 5 minutes ago I was searching magnetstreet.com for wedding invitations and then I pop over here to DearWendy and there is an ad at the top of the page for magnetstreet. Weird. Things like this keep happening. It happened for about a month with the bridesmaid dresses that my gal pals chose for my wedding. Every time I logged on to the internet, whether it be to check my email or just browse for whatever, bam there would be those dresses in an ad for Nordstroms. Weird.
Anyway, I hope 2012 is a great year for everyone.
Websites leave cookies on your computer, it’s not random. I ordered a couple of gifts for my friends who just had babies from diapers.com, and I kept seeing baby products ads for a month afterwards. Hope you had a good run.
Ugh I hope 2012 is a CALM year. In 2011: My boyfriend went to arizona for 4 months for the military, I graduated from gradschool…Jobless, was completely unemployed for 2 months, broke the entire year, and moved. I’m starting my full-time job on Monday so I cannot wait to get some stability in my life.
So far the year has been amazing. I started it living with my boyfriend, and we’re starting to find a routine. Because we’d always been long-distance, the first week or so felt a little like another visit and we both felt like the host, so there was this constant pressure to be entertaining. Now, though, he’s working on a painting and I’ve been reading and commenting on DW, and it’s nice to do solo stuff in the same room together. Oh, and the painting? Totally hilarious portrait of me making a stupid face with Amy Winehouse hair. It’s to go with a self-portrait of him he did last spring, and one of my dog to go at the top of our stairs. I’m kind of excited.
I went back to work Monday, and the kids were back Tuesday. They’ve been so good and so fun, I’m kind of concerned that they’re plotting something. Our big one-act play contest was moved to April from February, and I feel like a ton of bricks was removed from my shoulders. And I’m halfway through my second year teaching. Hooray!
2012 has felt a little bummy, but I think it’s only because my last half of 2011 was amazing and peaceful and happy, so I’m a bit sad it’s over.
However, I got to spend 6 whole days with my amazing niece, who is a year and a half. She is so much fun and feisty and I do miss hearing her speak her secret baby language throughout the house. I think I’m just feeling off because now it’s too quiet!
2012 will bring a lot of changes…My boyfriend and I will be moving in together in 6 months and I’m both terrified and excited for the process! I’ll be moving out of my downtown Philly apartment and we are going to look for a place together in the burbs. Does anyone have any advice? I haven’t lived with anyone in 6 years…Eep!
The only advice I have to offer is to remember to compromise and not sweat the small stuff. It can be hard adjusting to living with someone and sharing space and time. If you’re like me, I have a schedule and routine – its not set in stone and I’m pretty flexible, but its still there.
I don’t know what to make of the coming year. So far it’s started out awful. Best friend had to sell her house — did sell her house — best friend now leaving LA. Work seems non-existant. I dunno. It simply just ISN’T a great time to be alive. Oh, well. Whatever. On the plus size, Jen is taking me to Bali for all my help in selling the house and now the seemingly endless task of emptying it all out. Yeah, a few weeks Bali…will be great. But really — I have nothing to come back to. And that worries me.
Meanwhile idiots keep having babies who can’t afford them — dumping them off on their misguided enabling family members… Ugh, this thread is just depressing to me. I’d weep for the future… if I still fucking cared.
I think the baby thing is like everything else, you hear more about the idiots looking to have kids, not the good, stable families. At least I hope so.
I hope Bali does you good, sometimes a little time away does wonders, and lets you have a new persepctive on life. And Bali sounds amazing.
Hopefully, you are right about that. It’s just it seems there is no ending to the stories of those who have kids who clearly shouldn’t. It’s really the worst side of humanity, I think.
Parents who shouldn’t be parents terrify me. I’m hoping you’re right JK in the fact that we hear about the worst of them, but some of the stories I’ve heard as a teacher FREAK ME OUT. One 18-year-old kid I taught didn’t even know where his mom was. And she calls him maybe twice per year. His dad is totally out of the picture. The kid is supporting himself with a job at Target and living with his friend’s family. Another kid ran away from home three times in the past year because his home life SUCKS. Like physical and emotional abuse from his parents, dad gets drunk all the time, etc. It scares me sometimes that the only adults who actually seem to care about some of these kids are their teachers, and sometimes the kids don’t even see how much their teachers care. Many of them think school is the worst thing EVER and they will be lucky to graduate.
Don’t even get me STARTED on those parents that just give their children everything that they want…there are waaaayyy too many mommies and daddies paying for a $100/month cell phone bill for middle and high school kids. Data plan, texting…the whole works. Or the kids that get a TV AND laptop for Christmas in one year??? (That was actually my 12-year-old cousin this year…can’t say I agree with it whatsoever.) I just fear at this rate the upcoming generation will know NOTHING about what hard work means and they will just expect things to fall into their laps. I’m a firm believer in allowing kids to work for what they want, whether it be a phone or an expensive pair of jeans or a movie or whatever. Not that gift giving is bad, but sometimes it gets out of control… *end rant*
Totally agree with you on the gift thing. My husband´s 12 year old nephew always has the latest cell, computer, games, etc. He´s 12, WTF does he need a smartphone for??? He doesn´t even leave his house!!!!
After Christmas I had to have a serious talk with my 4 year old, who had a tantrum because she thought her baby sister had received more presents than she had. And she keeps bugging us for a TV in her room. Of course she´s not getting one just yet!
Again, like I said on another thread, I think there should be a mandatory course for parenting, until you pass it you don´t get to have a kid. Wouldn´t that be great?
Uggghh. I’m sorry your 4-year-old threw such a tantrum! That really sucks. I’m not a mom yet, but I’m planning to raise my kids so that they are thankful for every gift they receive. And I’m hoping that part of my gift giving can be more experience-focused rather than material possession-focused. Mandatory family fun sounds like a good plan. Hahaa. 🙂
That´s what I´m trying to do as well, but sometimes things don´t go according to plan!!! On one hand she´s really generous, she loves helping, giving presents to people, etc, but then she seems so terribly spoiled. I´m hoping it´s just a phase.
I believe it! From what I’ve heard motherhood never goes as planned. Is she starting school soon? Maybe that will help her to grow out of her phase. After all, everything you need to know in life you learn in kindergarten: sharing with others, treating others as you would like to be treated, respecting others, etc. etc.
SHe started kindy last year, she loves it, has a big group of friends, and seeing her interact with them she´s SO different than what she is at home!!! And her teacher always reported how helpful and sweet she is.
I´m chalking it up to jealousy, and hoping it´s just a phase!
I’m sorry, BGM! Sometimes when there seems to be nothing left, you have a chance to start completely over… I know that sounds corny… but it may be a good time to move to a new place, start a new life plan, etc…
A girl I know is 5 months pregnant and her youngest is 6 months old. She has 4 of her own already plus a stepson and can’t afford the ones she’s got. I’m pretty young (25 and childless except my 2 stepkids), but she’s even younger than I am.
This year started out with one of my coworkers getting fired and even though it was expected (by most of us but he somehow didn’t see it coming) it was really sad to see him go.
I’m not sure what to expect this year. Last year was a “lets just fuck with me” sorta year so anything would be better. I don’t have any crazy resolutions. I just want to be happy being me and not to get depressed when things don’t go according to plan.
I finally ask a guy i’m dating 7 mon what is his next move…and he said he doesn’t know..
i hate this stuck in between feeling…not best way to start new year 🙂
Started off the year by finally meeting my boyfriend’s parents, which was…interesting. Now looking forward to FINALLY graduating (I feel like I’ve been a student forever!) getting hold of a job so I can stop being broke, and most awesomely, my brother will be getting a book published in August of this year. WOO to the HOO! 😀 I think I’m more excited for that than he is, to be honest. He’s so damn level-headed.
4 of my high school classmates and a college roomate died last year… I am only 50! I know to most in this crowd, that sounds “old” like your parents, but I’m tellin’ you, it is way too young! I only pay attention to leap years for the calendar change and the fact that it is always an election year… which is always good theater… On another note, I am really disgusted that they offered Taylor Swift the role of Eponine in the movie version of Les Miserables… that just feels so wrong on so many levels….
Yeah, I’m barely 40 and the Grim Reaper proved ruthless this year. And none of it was car accidents or other such tragedies you chalk up to fate. Instead is was all heart attacks and cancer. Healthy, fit people, too… Scary. I know of five people my age (or younger) who all got squashed into oblivion by horrible swift diseases…
I am STILL in shock that they gave Eponine to Taylor!! Especially when someone like Lea Michele tried out for it too!! Say what you want about Lea, but that girl’s got some pipes, especially for Broadway stuff. I’m so mad! But I know I’m going to see it regardless, so I just have to keep the chin up and hope T-Swift has some magic up her sleeves.
The good: this will bemy first full year married and I am looking forward to what it brings for my husband and I.
The bad: I graduated law school in May, passed the bar in July, and have yet to find a job. I’ve been facing a lot of criticism couched in the form of advice from my dad, and we finally had an argument over it. He told me that he thought I wouldn’t find a job because of my “terrible” class rank ( I was 44 out of about 114 students). He also told me I spent too much time during law school focusing on my relationship with my now husband, which was long distance for over a year. When I told him I thought my happy marriage was more important than my class rank, my mom told me that I was not competitive enough to be a lawyer. Oh and I live in a condo he owns, so until he cools down he has upped my rent ( for the purposes of hurting my financially so I get a job faster in his words). We haven’t spoken since the argument on Monday, and what he said just made me feel even worse than I already do about my lack of a job. So I hope I can find a job and make this year a good one.
Yup, so far he hasn’t cashed the check, so I think he realized he was being irrational, but still. I thought his help in letting us live in the condo was sweet, now I realize I need to get out sooner rather than later.
We’ve been together for almost a year and this was our first big fight. In fact, it was my first time ever seeing him angry.
But what it boiled down to was that I was upset because I felt more invested in the relationship than him and I tried to talk to him about it without blaming him, but he got defensive and felt attacked anyway. We had talked about moving in together in September (when my lease is up), but now all of a sudden he’s moving somewhere ELSE with his best friend for 1 – 2 years. (Side note: We kinda have a 5-year plan which included moving in at the end of this year, if things to well then get engaged, then be engaged for a year, then married for a year before we start trying for a baby. I’m 30 in 5 days so there’s not a TON of leeway here). Right now we live practically next door to each other and it’s really convenient, especially since he works weird hours and it can be difficult to make time for each other during the week. And I wasn’t consulted. I don’t think he took my wants/needs into his decision making process at all. And I put our relationship first ALWAYS and I never make a decision without thinking about how it will affect him/us, so I concluded that he doesn’t care about me as much as I do him. I can’t police his thoughts, though (obvz). I can’t MAKE him love me as much as I love him. So really, I just wanted to talk about it and air my fears and feelings. And instead of talking about it, he just blew up at me and we didn’t have a productive conversation at all, and I was just sitting there sobbing, and he said he needed “time to think” and when I asked him if he was thinking about breaking up with me he said, “Now’s not a good time to ask me that.” All I got out of him was that he was mad that I doubted him and mad that I was having doubts about our relationship in general. But I have to be able to communicate that to him, right? We can’t just let resentment build up and fester!
So that was last night. This morning he sent me a text that said, “I’m sorry. Can I see you tonight?”…. so we’ll see.
But this is NOT how conflict is handled in a healthy relationship…. right?
I wonder if maybe it’s not that he is less invested, or loves you less, but maybe he was just freaking out about the idea to move in together? Maybe he decided he wasn’t ready for that step and he just kind of chickened out about talking to you rationally about it, so he got defensive.
Just try not to use a lot of those “I Always, and you never” statements when you’re arguing- I’ve been down that road, it doesn’t lead anywhere good.
I think maybe he might be feeling a little put under pressure with your timetable?
You haven’t even been dating a year, but now you have a five year plan that includes marriage and babies… Maybe he’s a little freaked by the sound of your clock ticking.
That being said, it doesn’t sound like you had a healthy conversation. But, that text message (which included an apology) might indicate that he is ready to have a calm discussion with you about it. As long as you are both careful not to blame each other, and ready to really LISTEN to what each other is saying (even if you don’t like what is being said).
The thing is, I’m kind of a commitment-phobe myself. I’m terrified of marriage and babies and I’ve pretty much had an “if it happens, it happens” attitude about it and never wanted to push either issue. HE is the one that brought up the baby thing (TRUST – my biological clock is NOT ticking). And he’s also the one that suggested us looking for a place together at the end of this year.
I don’t think that me wanting him to keep his options open so we can consider moving in together in 9 months is all that unreasonable.
But the thing is, he knew I was upset about something, and he sensed that I was acting distant, and he wanted me to be able to talk to him. I was really reluctant to bring it all up, and then when I did, he just got mad. I prefaced the discussion by telling him that I wasn’t mad at him, and I’m logically and rationally aware that I can’t make him feel a certain way. The only tangible solution is to ask him to, in the future, at least include me in a discussion before me makes a decision that affects me/us. I said that and he didn’t take it too well.
I desperately want to work it out, but I have a feeling he’ll just want me to drop it and go back to acting happy while I’d like to continue this discussion. Should I just drop it for now? I really don’t want to wait 2 more years before we can move in with each other.
I think you bring up rational points. This may not be what you want to hear, but if he set up this plan, bailed on said plan, and then got upset for you bringing up relationship concerns- he might be ready to call this relationship quits.
If you can’t handle waiting on him for two years, tell him that! And if you feel like you can’t honestly discuss this sort of thing with him, then maybe you guys aren’t right for each other. You should never be afraid to discuss your relationship.
One thing I get from you is that you seem to have some self esteem issues, maybe? I had a period early in my relationship where I felt like I was the one investing everything in our relationship, but after some counseling, I realized that I wasn’t being loving- I was being clingy. That clingy-ness can come off as being manipulative. (Why don’t you love me as much as I love you? )
It put a lot of stain on my boyfriend, because no matter what he did, I didn’t feel like it was ever enough. I felt like his love wasn’t as deep as mine, when reality, his love just wasn’t as desperate as mine. I took some time to work on my self-worth issues, and it really improved our partnership.
Not saying that this is exactly your situation, but just some food for thought. Just remember, open and honest communication is effective communication!
You’re right. I do have self-esteem issues. I feel like I can’t be good enough for him, or I don’t have enough to offer him. My last relationship before this one ended 3 years ago… and it was abusive. My defenses are definitely up. Thank you for your insight.
This is so creepy, because I just had a fight last night with my boyfriend last night over a very similar issue: plans for next year/potentially living together/our future. We both want to get our first full time jobs but I’m so flippin’ sick of a LDR (2.5 years = too loooonng for a LDR). He’s in the same boat as me but he told me that next year if he is offered a job halfway across the country he’ll take it, even if I accept a job in or near my home state, like I want to do. He said the reason behind that is that he knows I’ll always be there, but the job won’t. Now, I see his point…kind of…but I basically blew up at him. I was a ticking time bomb; I set myself up for failure in that conversation. I wanted a nice, rational conversation with him about our options. And I became crazy stubborn, like I told myself I wouldn’t be during the conversation…stupid, stupid me.
The thing is, I know that he still loves me deeply. There are times when I’m thinking the same as you, CatsMeow and I think to myself that I’m more invested in the relationship than he is. I guess where I’m going with this is that guys just seem to express their love differently. Maybe your guy had good reason for not wanting to move in with you, as in maybe he just didn’t want to rush things because he cares about you. Maybe he just freaked a bit about the commitment. Guys are just wired differently than us and sometimes it’s hard to understand how they tick.
We’ve talked, and he’s DEFINITELY afraid of commitment. I’m starting to see that talking to him about “the future” (vague) or “someday” (vaguer) is easy, but when it gets REAL he backs off. I know that at this point in our relationship, I shouldn’t try to push it… but the way he talked, I had thought that we were on the same page. He said if he wants to move (out of state), he would ask me to come with him. He said if he gets deployed, he wants us to stay together. And now he’s getting angry because I say I want to feel like we’re moving toward something, and getting defensive when I ask him questions in an effort to figure him out.
For now I’m going to back off and “go with the flow”, but I don’t know how long I should wait before I reassess. 6 months? A year?
Wow, this is tough. You´re 30? How old is your BF?
Are you convinced this is the guy/relationship for you? Or could it be that you´re trying to convince yourself of that?
Sometimes guys can surprise you, when I was dating my husband he never wanted to talk about the future, after we´d been dating a year and a couple of months his roommate was moving out, he still wasn´t saying anything to me, then one day (his mother had been in surgery), he asked me to please move in with him. I don´t know how much longer I would have waited for him if that hadn´t happened, and I was 24 (he was 27).
Last, your timeline reminds me a lot of Friends, when Rachel turns 30 while dating Tag, and she counts backward from all the things she expects in a relationship, and realizes she has to break up with him. I hope you can make the right decision tor you, however tough that might be.
I thnk only you can decide how long you are prepared to wait for your BF.
I think that you can tell yourself you can reassess at any time. At least for me, that “permission” is freeing.
I too was in an abusive relationship and part of what I dealt with afterward was feeling like I couldn’t make choices based on what was best for me and what I wanted, without taking anyone else into consideration. I was so used to having to “check in” before making a commitment to a decision, because I didn’t want to make the “wrong” choice and set off the abuse cycle. I still have to work very hard to not dither about decisions and to make sure I’m not making my choice because I don’t want to upset someone else (which usually leaves me feeling upset and like I’m sacrificing for the other person). To some extent that kind of consideration is essential, but I think you and I (from your statement “I put our relationship first ALWAYS and I never make a decision without thinking about how it will affect him/us”) go over the top.
Maybe you set yourself a mental checkpoint to run over key points in your relationship (with yourself, not with him) in three months. Then you can ask yourself if he’s still talking in general terms or if the plans that include you are more specific. Reset a checkpoint after that. If you’re like me, having a plan like this will allow you to relax in your day to day life and actually go with the flow instead of pretending to do so.
I would just make sure that’s what you want to do, not what you’re doing because you don’t think you deserve a commitment. I agree the two of you haven’t been together all that long, but I do think that you’ve been together long enough to make solid commitments to each other, and having a conversation with each other before changing those commitments. I think it’s totally fair to let him know what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do, in response to his decision.
2011 was one of the worst years of my life so I was expecting 2012 to be the same. But somehow, I’m getting my act together. I’m trying to stay positive and not think about it all going to hell.
I’ve found some great online tools to help me get organized and focused and I am looking around at my clean and decluttered apartment with a feeling of calm. My whole life is chaos and disorganization so this one little thing is putting a smile on my face.
Frankly, if the events of the past couple months have any say in this year, I am in for one hell of a wild ride.
On the one hand; I let myself get hurt by somebody that I shouldn’t have fallen in love with, I knew from the very beginning that he may like me but his commitment issues would never let him love me.(we’ve known each other for years…)
There are still six months left on my lease with my younger brother who never pays rent and eats all my food and refuses to clean up and has company over every night.
I swear my boss likes to mess with my head when it comes to scheduling, why bother asking me to fill out my ideal schedule if you’re going to just give me a completely different one that is really hard to work around school?
And it’s all stuff that is basically my own damn naive fault.
The good news?
I’ll be getting therapy asap.
I remember when I was really little doing the math and realizing when I graduate from college it will be 2001. “2001” seemed so far away that I wasn’t sure we’d still be using the same numbering to keep track of the years. …. Now? Well shit where did the time go?!
2012 should be a busy, but amazing year. I am super excited for a break from veterinary school… although I know I am in the right place, it has been a tough transition for me. Grades don’t matter, rank does not matter, but being with the same 80 people freaking out over the same exams day after day after day really takes a toll on me (along with spending 9-15 hours a week with a cadaver dog). Next semester I have more classes, but they are worth less which I think I will enjoy more because I have a short attention span and do better with lots of different subjects. Plus I am dissecting a cow. SWEET.
I am excited to once again see my boyfriend’s organic vegetable farm/CSA grow again and being a part of it in whatever ways I can. My one year anniversary present was the chance to raise whatever livestock I want on the farm (as long as I can break even). So I think this spring/summer we will have some baby meat goats frolicking around and hopefully buy some does to breed in the fall. We will also be having pigs again this year, so life will be very busy.
I am also a bit overly-excited for a new transition in my life. Although my boyfriend asked me to move in with him on the farm, I decided for once to do the less economically intelligent (but hopefully more rewarding!) option of moving into an apartment by myself. I have never lived by myself but it was always one of those things that I have wanted to do, especially in a particular neighborhood in Madison that I just absolutely adore. I have been looking at 1 bedrooms and efficiencies for me and my 2 cats and I am looking forward to the adventure. Although having roommates is great in some ways, I am more of a solitary person and can’t wait to have a place that is all MINE! 🙂
One of my best friends is in vet school right now. She is one of the smartest people I know, but said that she was grateful to just PASS the past semester because it was so challenging. I don’t think I could handle the rigor involved in vet school, so kudos to you!! 🙂
I think you’ll also enjoy your own apartment! I am the same way in the fact that I like my own space. I like peace and quiet and I like to do things my own way. I am also in a year of transition right now…I’m hoping to have my own apartment in 6-9 months, but there might be a possibility of moving into a new apartment with my boyfriend. Admittedly, that freaks me out a little bit even though it would also be very very exciting. We’re in a LDR right now, so being able to see him more than once every month would definitely be nice!
Ahhh thank you, that means a lot to hear that non-veterinary people acknowledge that it is a lot of hard work. If I hear one more person ask me if it is a two year program, or be surprised that I had to complete undergraduate coursework first I may punch them. 🙂 It’s an amazing experience and I am so glad to have learned so many things, but it is tough too!
Moving in with the boyfriend would be super exciting (and a bit scary, I would say) so I wish you all the best. I feel like it would add a whole new dynamic to the relationship, and we are both people who like doing our own thing (reading, cross stitching, homework, etc) but still being near each other. That would be a big seller for moving in together, to just BE together. Also double kudos on the LDR thing. My boyfriend and I only live about a half an hour away and sometimes I get cranky/annoyed with it so I can’t even fathom it.
Mostly I just can’t wait to attempt all the DIY decorating stuff that I have pinned on Pinterest… Mason jar crafts in every nook and cranny of the new apartment.
Anticipating some changes in 2012. Time to end an unfulfilling relationship with someone I care about so much but we are just wrong for a romantic relationship. It’s been over 7 years so it will be hard, but I’m determined to make the needed break up happen. I started a new job last summer and I really don’t like it. I will give it til this summer and then decide what I should do. Pay is great but terrible work-life balance! So, I know I need to end the relationship and I know I need to find a better job fit. Now I just have to make sure I follow through and don’t decide it’s easier to put up with it for awhile longer. Stressing out just thinking about it, glass of wine please!
So far, so good. I’m a little worried that 2012 will be a let down after two “big” years full of major academic accomplishments and trips abroad (Prague and Cape Town). This year I won’t be traveling much – maybe a trip to the Gulf and up to Baltimore to visit my best friend. Mostly I’ll be settling in to my first “real” engineering job, praying my contract doesn’t get axed, and saving money to eventually buy a house/buy an awesome car/visit the Netherlands. In about 2 months, I will be finally moving out of my parents’ house for the first time since I finished undergrad – and into my very own apartment. Maybe things will even slow down enough that I’ll feel like dating again – it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve had time to breathe, much less go on dates, so it might be nice to get back on that wagon. We’ll see.
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sleepy January 6, 2012, 5:32 pm
All I have to say is that picture scares the crap out of me!
JK January 6, 2012, 6:17 pm
Me too, I got dizzy just looking at it.
Trixy Minx January 6, 2012, 9:40 pm
I just want to yell at her not to jump.
jaybro January 7, 2012, 12:56 am
She’ll be leaping off, not jumping. Get it? LEAP year? Ohhhh bad jokes how you make me laugh.
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 11:05 am
It creeps me out. I have to look away every time it comes up.
applescruff January 6, 2012, 6:00 pm
I have a fever. 🙁
But other than that, 2012 is going well.
AKchic January 6, 2012, 6:03 pm
I don’t know… I just got the news that my sister got pregnant on purpose and expects my mother to take care of her during the pregnancy like she did the last one. In the three weeks she’s been in town, she’s been to the ER twice for bullshit reasons. It’s going to be just like the last time – a burden financially, emotionally, mentally and physically on my mom and my mom won’t want to kick her out because of the pregnancy and a 2 year old already in the picture. My mom already has heart problems and just had a complete hysterectomy 6 months ago, she doesn’t need to take care of my sister. She needs to take care of herself.
EscapeHatches January 6, 2012, 6:37 pm
Ugh. My sister’s also pregnant (though significantly more independent). She’s due in April, and just informed me that she’s making our mom come down (she lives ~4 hours away and can’t drive the distance herself) for 9months to a year to help with baby care. She expects my husband, 10 y/o stepson and me to volunteer for 1-2 nights a week of babycare too.
But about our mom:
I asked, “what about Dad?! What’s he supposed to do all alone up North?”
“Oh, he can come down too.”
“Not the point. Mom needs him…”
Never-you-mind that our mom is of tenuous health, what with heart problems, and depression (technically, it’s bipolar disorder and manic depression, but with meds, it presents more like ‘typical’ depression). Oh sure. Give the woman a squalling infant to manage while taking away her primary support system (dad is the man!).
You have my condolences.
Bethany January 6, 2012, 6:53 pm
She expects you to help her 1-2 nights a week?? For how long?! I could see helping out for the first few weeks if you were next door neighbors and didn’t have a family of your own or something, but ti expect someone to do that is a little much. And this is coming from the girl who took a personal day to stay with one of my friends the first day her husband had to go back to work after having her baby.
AKchic January 6, 2012, 7:08 pm
*shudder* Sounds a lot like my sister. She expects my mom to just support her and her son for the entire pregnancy in an apartment that obviously cannot handle two extra people (especially when one is pregnant), plus send extra money down to TX to the father. The father is in the army, but still isn’t divorced from his first wife (who had a kid by another guy 2 years ago and is in a completely different state than any of us), so he isn’t getting much in the way of money for his first son. My sister stopped taking her birth control in order to get pregnant so she could force him to get his divorce finalized so he would marry her. *sigh* I want to beat my head on my desk at her idiotic “plan”.
The last time she did this, my mom and stepdad nearly lost all their money trying to afford my sister, and she was blowing through the boyfriend’s money too (he was in Afganistan at the time). I can’t afford to help out this time, and the boyfriend’s car is sitting in my yard in poor repair (it would be easier to sell it for scrap than fix it, I know, I’ve made a few discreet inquiries). She has no license, so even if I could dig it out of 3-4 feet of hardpacked snow – I am not giving it to her to drive around with.
My sister figures that if my mom can’t watch her 2 year old, then I will because hey, what’s another kid around my house since I already have four of them. I am tempted to forbid everyone from mentioning my spare bedroom around her. My stepdad is furious at the situation, even if he understands why my mother won’t kick her to the curb.
rainbow January 6, 2012, 10:15 pm
Sounds like you’ll be needing a lot of patience in 2012…
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 9:35 am
You’ll definitely need to define your limits right away. Unless you want to watch the baby that much you need to tell her that you can’t be her regular babysitter. I’d tell her that it would be too disruptive to my own family to watch her baby that much and your own family has to be your priority just as her baby will be her priority. Tell her what you are willing to do, say babysitting once in a month. If you let her push you into this now you will establish a pattern where she takes advantage of you with her baby all of the time, maybe for the next 18+ years.
JK January 6, 2012, 6:22 pm
2012 is shaping up to be a good year, my husband´s business is finally getting some money, so we´ve planned vacations, and are defining just how we´re going to finish our house. 🙂
My brother is off to live a year (well 2 5-6 month periods) in the Middle East, so I´m going to miss his help a lot (since he doesn´t really have a fixed work schedule he usually helps me when I need a hand with the girls).
I am going to start resting a bit more though, I´m exhausted!!!
rainbow January 6, 2012, 7:22 pm
That’s great! Where are you planning to go?
JK January 6, 2012, 7:41 pm
Merlo. It´s going to be fun such a long road trip with the baby (the eldest is amazing, last Summer we went to Mendoz and she was an angel there and back!) But, we couldn´t really decide where to go, and since Merlo´s a place that wepve always wanted to go, and all our friends love it, there we are!!
rainbow January 6, 2012, 8:02 pm
I went to Merlo once. It’s a lovely place. My sister and I were 15 and 14 and my baby sister had just been born, it was great. My parents even went back a couple of times.
JK January 6, 2012, 8:07 pm
From all of the photos I´ve seen it does look gorgeous. Just getting out of Buenos Aires is great though!!!
What part of Uruguay are you off to?
rainbow January 6, 2012, 8:17 pm
My big sister and I are going. We’ll stay in Punta del Diablo and Valizas. I stayed with her for three months in Rosario back in June (she lives there) and it was awesome, and I really miss her. And I’ve never been to Uruguay before, so I’m really excited about everything.
JK January 6, 2012, 8:23 pm
Awesome. 🙂 We´ve been wanting to go, as well, there are just so many great places to see, it´s hard to decide where to go!!!
It must be nice having such a good relationship with your sister (and being so close in age!)
rainbow January 6, 2012, 9:45 pm
She’s amazing. She made me an X-Men cake for my birthday and we went to a costumes party as Magenta and Dr. Frank-n-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show. And she’s helping with the fanzine now, collaborating with her point of view, and that’s ultra brave and kind (most people get really uncomfortable). I’m sorry your brother is going away. What is he going to do in ME?
JK January 6, 2012, 9:53 pm
It´s kind of complicated, there´s a quasi-branch of my mum´s husband´s business (where my brother works) opening over there, my brother travelled twice last year, but now they´ve asked him to stay there to supervise things for this year.´I´m really going to miss all of his help, but it is a great opportunity for him. And I´m really sorry for how much my eldest is going to miss him, she loves her uncle!!! Plus by being over there he´s going to miss out on my youngests 1st birthday, our mother´s 60th, and he´s not going to be here for his 30th, either.
rainbow January 6, 2012, 10:06 pm
That’s sad. I hope she can keep herself entertained with the baby when she grows bigger/funnier and not miss her uncle so much. Did she want a baby sister? Is she jealous or anything? My sis didn’t even want to put on clothes for my first birthday. She’s standing in the corner in her diapers hating everybody in all the pictures.
rainbow January 6, 2012, 10:07 pm
Because she also started using diapers again because I did.
JK January 7, 2012, 7:09 am
She loves her baby sister, but can also be terribly jealous. It´s actually getting worse as the baby starts doing more stuff, don´t even ask about the huge tantrum on Christmas because she thought the baby had more presents than she did (even though she took all the toys off her, and was trying on the clothes, as well). It´s especially tough on her because she was the only girl on my husband´s side, and the only grandchild in Argentina on my side, so was pretty spoiled. Now she doesn´t want to give up the limelight.
BUt, she has started asking for another sibling. We´ve closed shop though.
Addie Pray January 8, 2012, 12:13 am
JK, is your brother hot and single? Because I’d move to the Middle East for him. I’m fluent in Persian food.
JK January 8, 2012, 7:04 am
AP: single yes, hot is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. He´s always had success amongst my friends at least.
Britannia January 6, 2012, 6:35 pm
After all the crap 2011 slung at me, I’m kind of incredulous about 2012 being a good year or not. Just the other day, I was writing down the date on an order form and accidentally put 1/4/10 as the date… I guess my mind doesn’t want it to be ’11 OR ’12!
Nutshell: It looks like 2012 is going to be another stressful year, but I have high hopes that I’ll come out on top of it all.
PinkPanther January 6, 2012, 6:54 pm
I went to the doctor last summer and signed my check 6/25/04. Not sure how that happened…
Bethany January 6, 2012, 6:55 pm
Back in 2008 or 2009 I wrote 2001 on something…
Ally January 6, 2012, 6:59 pm
I occasionally put my birth date down instead of the actual date, possibly should pay more attention when filling in forms…
lets_be_honest January 6, 2012, 7:25 pm
I filled out all my daughter’s school forms this year with MY mom’s info under Parent Info.
Sleep deprivation? Funny call from the school either way.
AKchic January 6, 2012, 8:00 pm
That is awesome. With all of my kids, filling out forms can get tiring. Occasionally, I’ll write down MY birthday for all of the kids.
Addie Pray January 7, 2012, 8:23 am
Ha! That sounds like something I would do. You know, if I had a child.
Kristen January 6, 2012, 6:39 pm
My boyfriend said he thinks this will be “a good year for us,” so we’ll see 🙂
The first part of January is always a depressing time, just because the holidays are over, family goes back home, and the decorations come down. Not to mention the weather is dreary and no end is in sight. But this year, I made a list of things I’m looking forward to to keep my chin up. So far, the list includes trying new recipes in my slow cooker, making homemade pierogies, using our gift card to our favorite sushi place, and taking my little brother out for his 21st birthday 🙂
Anna January 6, 2012, 7:10 pm
OOH, that could be a telling statement. Perhaps he plans to make it a good year for you! 🙂
What is your favorite sushi place? We’ve been wanting to try sushi. We tried going to Pacific East in Solon because it was recommended by some of my coworkers but all of a sudden they’re closed. We still want to try it but don’t know where the best places are.
Britannia January 6, 2012, 7:39 pm
Yes, that’s very exciting! You’ll have to keep us informed if he executes certain plans 😉
*HmC* January 6, 2012, 9:36 pm
Anna- please forgive my super nosy and slightly stalker-ish behavior, but didn’t you have your own big question possibly coming down the pipe? Update!
(This is what you get for sharing your life on the internet- internet stalkers!)
Anna January 7, 2012, 1:49 pm
Haha!! That’s ok. And no, it still hasn’t happened yet. He’s running out of time and I officially refuse to hope any longer. Hoping has gleaned nothing but disappointment! I got good Christmas presents but not the big one I wanted. He said “Why does it have to be on a holiday?” to which I replied “It doesn’t, but I’m really sick you holding up my future so the sooner we figure out what’s happening the better.” We had a whole conversation where he agreed that I am basically functioning as a wife already and deserve the promotion…but talk is still just talk. I’m about to the end of my rope with this man so he better hurry up if wants his good cushy life to continue.
MissDre January 7, 2012, 2:09 pm
Good for you for knowing what you want. Hope he steps up!!!
Kristen January 6, 2012, 10:27 pm
It might be a far drive for you, but our absolute favorite sushi restaurant is Kasai in Wadsworth. Everything there is amazing. Plus, Sundays from 3 to 5:30 is half off sushi, and Thursday nights are half-price appetizers.
Anna January 7, 2012, 1:52 pm
Google maps says it’s 45 min…I will tell him about it. Thanks!
Shannon January 9, 2012, 10:02 am
Anna, I had to jump in because I noticed you’re local!! (I’m relocating to Twinsburg from Mentor.) My friend just checked out Shinano on Miles, said the food was good but the service left something to be desired. If you don’t mind coming north a little, Otani in Mayfield is good and so are Sushi Rock and Shuhei in Beachwood. AND…if you’re on the West Side ever, check out Daishin in North Olmsted — it’s my absolute FAVORITE sushi place!
Bethany January 6, 2012, 6:54 pm
The only complaint I have so far is that I did a killer workout on Wednesday and still can’t walk right. Other than that, 2012 has been great so far! I’m looking forward to enjoying my first year of marriage and I’m so happy to have all the wedding stress behind me!
rainbow January 6, 2012, 7:20 pm
It’s been awesome so far!
A friend and I felt people weren’t getting us, so we decided to put together a fanzine with advice/activities to help you communicate with survivors of sexual assault. We’ve been working for five days now, involving our friends, and it’s looking really good! And it’s going to have parts you complete before giving them to people who want to help, and then they complete theirs and give it back, and conversation pointers (like a list of questions maybe you can ask) and we’re both so happy to be dealing with it openly.
Also, my two graphic novels will be published this year, I have the best job I’ve ever had, and I’m going to the beach (Uruguay) in a week. So go 2012!
rainbow January 6, 2012, 9:33 pm
It will be ready soon, in english and spanish, so if you know anyone who might like to have it you can request a copy to piniataderohypnol@gmail.com
It will be centered around sexual communication with new partners and how to break the taboo enough to have fulfilling (not gloomy) conversations about it with your support system. Also, anyone who wants to participate is more than welcome.
Anna January 6, 2012, 7:20 pm
So far, I am optimistic about 2012. I don’t get the blues in January-February because of the holidays being over…we have birthdays! My boyfriend’s is Jan 21 and mine is Feb 24. For his birthday, we are going on a weekend trip to Rochester, NY where he grew up. We go every year to watch a Knighthawks lacrosse game and eat ribs at Dinosaur BBQ. This year, it just so happens that their season opener game against their biggest rival falls on his birthday. We have tickets and a nice hotel room booked, plus we always rent a car for the 4 hour drive since all of our cars are old and unreliable. Can’t wait! He’s excited too, said he’s looking forward to a romantic getaway with me 🙂 And this man NEVER uses the word romantic, I thought he was allergic to it.
Kristen January 6, 2012, 10:30 pm
The best part of January is definitely the birthdays! My boyfriend’s is the 25th. Your vacation plans sound incredible! Jealous 🙂
LadyinPurpleNotRed January 6, 2012, 7:38 pm
2012 is scary…I applied to grad school in the fall and it’s more likely that I won’t get in than I will, so checking the mail and checking the different websites everyday has begun even though I probably won’t hear until the middle-end of the month (that doesn’t stop me from checking just in case of course!)
FireStar January 6, 2012, 7:56 pm
So far so good – took this week off work – had my anniversary on the 3rd and now am looking forward to our delayed anniversary celebration – a Caribbean cruise in February – yay!
Chaotonic January 6, 2012, 8:52 pm
My husband has two great job offers for when he gets out of the Navy in 70 some odd days so we’re quite excited about that! Also lately we’ve both been tossing around ideas about saving up all the “extra” money we’ll have once he starts the new job and eventually, possibly move over seas. Of course that’s at least two years down the line since I have a year and a half in the Service. So far this year has started off right, I hope it continues that way.
Visharoo January 7, 2012, 2:49 am
The last 60 days are always the best when getting out of the Navy 😛
fast eddie January 6, 2012, 8:58 pm
Our 2012 calender is filling up with appointments and trips planed so if everything holds together it’ll be a fun year. The Costa Rica vacation will be delayed for a few weeks until March (no big deal) then Phoenix in April and Ohio in May. June or July will find us in western Canada and Seattle and a few stops between. The biggest downside is that we live 3 hours from an airport which makes those early AM flights a bitch to get up for. Sometimes we stay in a hotel near the airport the night before. All this travel will complicate our fostering some kittens in the spring but we’ll work around that. The garden will just have to take care of it’s self again. There’s no rest for the wicked eh?
rainbow January 6, 2012, 9:55 pm
If you ever host a training course on how to design years save me a seat there, please. Costa Rica sounds great! What will you be doing there?
And what’s the deal with the kittens? Do you get a box of them, watch them grow and be cute and find their forever homes? I used to do that for the vet across the street, people used to abandon lots of kitties and puppies at his doorstep.
fast eddie January 6, 2012, 11:34 pm
Costa Rica vacation is just that with our old housemates. They go there for dental care, this time we’ll join them for 2 weeks of warm weather. My wife retired last Sept. so time isn’t as restrictive. I’ll post some jpegs on my web site when we get back and check in during the trip.
For the last 4 years we’ve fostered kittens from the county animal control totaling 28 so far. A bit of work for sure but lots of fun. The hard part is taking them back (whimper). Two of our permanent resident adult cats were among our foster babies. Last year we took care of some new born babies that had to be bottle feed every 2 hours. That left me to wonder how Wendy or anyone else could do it for months with a 2 legged dipper filler. But then they grow up and claw their way up you leg and into your heart.
rainbow January 7, 2012, 12:15 am
Once I was leaving my college town to go visit my family for Christmas and, while I was going to my farewell party the night before, I found 9 kitties in the garbage. They were like 2 weeks old. I found homes for two of them that day, and took the other seven in the bus with me for six hours, disguised as luggage (covering their noise involved a lot of energy and fake coughs). And they were really skinny and throwing up on eachother, but only one of them died, and the rest got really nice homes. My sister kept one of them, Chuz Chuz Bolton (he died last year).
fast eddie January 7, 2012, 9:07 am
Gold star rescue Rainbow, I can only wonder how and why people abandon animals when shelters will take them. In our area we have 3 that don’t euthanize adoptable critters. Even Ferrel cats are placed as barn cats after surgery and inoculation. I’ve got some pics of last year’s broods among my fb albums. I’m looking forward to kitten season.
GatorGirl January 7, 2012, 4:07 pm
I raised an abondoned litter of 6 kitties almost 5 years ago. It was exhausting but so rewarding. We only lost one, and that was with in the first 48 hours. I kept one of babies, my Franky. I would foster again in a heart beat.
Bethany January 7, 2012, 11:37 am
I’m leaving for Costa a week from today! What part do you guys go to? (We also have friends who get a ton of dental work down there!)
fast eddie January 7, 2012, 11:58 pm
We’ll be on the west coast around Papaguyo. This is my first trip to there. Last year we stopped there enroute to Panama and I was too sick with a cold to go any further then the dock. There’s a bunch of eco parks with beautiful funa to enjoy. I checked the real estate available and found an lovely 80 room hotel available for a mere 6 million…
Bethany January 8, 2012, 2:57 pm
We won’t be too far from there- We’ll be in Playa Hermosa for a few days then heading down to Playa Grade for a week. You’ll love it!
fast eddie January 8, 2012, 12:36 pm
Dam my poor spelling, it’s Papagayo.
Amybelle January 6, 2012, 9:20 pm
Too soon to tell…mood: cautious optimism 🙂
caffeinatrix January 6, 2012, 9:21 pm
I have high hopes for 2012 after my craptacular 2011. I spent another year at a shitty, low-paying job, all the while sending out dozens of resumes and cover letters that were mostly ignored despite my networking efforts. I also managed to go almost the whole year without a single date due to my laser-like focus on trying to find a new job. I felt like my life was on hold all last year; it was awful.
I’m hopeful that a new job prospect I have on the horizon comes through for me in the next few weeks; so far, so good. I can’t take another year of where I’m at now.
GatorGirl January 6, 2012, 9:40 pm
The first 6 days of 2012 have been awesome for me! I went to my first Eagles game (7th row!), discussed wedding plans with my BF and both our families, started making plans for our families to finally meet (its only been 4 years!) and told my BF’s family we were moving in together! We also drove 900 miles, packed and moved all of my belonging in less than 6 hours and started legal precedings to break my lease at my shady apartment (sex offenders and drug dealers no thank you). This weekend I get to organize the bedroom/closet to combine our clothes. Also we set up an at home bar. Hooray dirty martinis at home!
The rest of the year holds his sisters wedding, my sisters high school graduation, us getting engaged and hopefully our wedding! I can not wait!
rainbow January 6, 2012, 10:13 pm
You can tell you’ve been doing things right when you look at the future and all you can tell it holds is parties.
GatorGirl January 6, 2012, 11:25 pm
I love that! We have a lot to be thankful for right now.
*HmC* January 6, 2012, 9:45 pm
So far 2012 has been so full of nerves I could have created a jewelry store full of diamonds between my butt cheeks in just the last week. Sorry I know that’s gross.
I’m trying to focus on the positives- I have a dedicated and loving boyfriend and we are going on two happy years together, I have a supportive and involved family, I’ve had the privilege to study in a field that I am passionate about, and I have an amazing job in my chosen field. But for now, the pervading thoughts in my head are all focused around the fact that I’m taking the California bar exam in about two months. It’s like a big monkey on my back that I can’t shake off no matter how positive I try to keep my head space or how much I focus on what a whitegirl firstworld problem this is. Sometimes it feels like if I fail, people will finally realize that I’ve been faking this whole “smart” thing all along. I know that’s just my ego and it’s dumb, but this test is kind of pervading my every thought and action and paralyzing me from focusing on my studying, which makes it all worse of course.
bleh
silver_dragon_girl January 6, 2012, 10:02 pm
First of all, stop telling yourself it’s a dumb worry. Yes, you should stop worrying so much about it, but it’s not *dumb.* It’s perfectly understandable. And, yeah, it might be a “#whitegirlproblem,” but it’s still something valid to be worried about.
That being said, don’t worry about it 🙂 Your job does not define you. You are SOO much more than what you do for a living, or what your grades say, or what your test scores are. You are doing what you LOVE. You are fortunate to be able to do so. You have accomplished so much already- have a little faith in yourself 🙂 If you don’t pass the first time, so what? You are a strong, smart, creative person, and you will land on your feet no matter what!
*HmC* January 7, 2012, 11:24 pm
Thank you, sdg! It feels good to hear those things right now, much appreciated. 🙂
savannah January 6, 2012, 10:37 pm
My uncle is one of the smartest men I know. However back in the day he had some trouble taking the NY Bar exam. Like a lot of trouble. Like passed on his sixth try but only after my Grandma put the fix in with St Jude by going to church every day for 2 months. His rocky start as a lawyer has not deterred him from having a successful 30 year career. My family never thought he was ever dumb and understood that the bar is just one of many of life’s hoops, if that takes 1 jump or 6 that wont matter in the end.
*HmC* January 7, 2012, 11:27 pm
Thanks for sharing that savannah. And that’s awesome for your grandpa! It’s funny, whenever people learn that I’m studying for the Bar, they love to tell me about how JFK Jr. failed like, a bunch of times. Well I’m not a Kennedy fuckers! I mean, my family isn’t poor, but we’re hardly an American dynasty! 😛 Anyway, it IS good to hear about the good, smart people out there that make it through this monstrosity.
*HmC* January 8, 2012, 12:56 am
Whoops, I meant uncle. Guess I have to add reading comp of my list of stuff to study!
WatersEdge January 7, 2012, 9:28 am
There’s always clonazepam!
MissDre January 7, 2012, 10:53 am
Yes, clonazepam… definitely useful!
*HmC* don’t worry! C’mon, you’re gonna kick ass! We’re all rooting for you!
*HmC* January 7, 2012, 11:27 pm
Ah, I’m intrigued…
WatersEdge January 8, 2012, 12:27 pm
I looove it. I took it at a time when my anxiety was keeping me from functioning, and it just kinda melted my worries away but didn’t change me much otherwise. Very mild. I didn’t take it every day, just when I really needed it. I highly recommend it!
Emsz January 7, 2012, 12:08 pm
I know how you feel. I have an exam on Wednesday (not nearly as important as the bar though!) and I am so worried about it, that I can’t seem to keep myself from procrastinating.
*HmC* January 7, 2012, 11:29 pm
I think we just need to learn to relax. I think that’s the key. Worrying definitely affects my ability to focus. My nerves are totally getting the best of me.
Painted_lady January 7, 2012, 12:11 pm
I actually lol’ed at the jewelry store joke. Butt humor is hilarious (and this is why I get along so well with my middle schoolers).
You are going to do great on the bar – just remember to give yourself moments when you can relax. Whether that’s booking a massage, inviting friends over for dinner and bad movies, or blocking out an hour for yoga, give yourself permission to enjoy it without feeling guilty that you should be studying. My study break of choice was usually sushi and Millionaire Matchmaker (or Six Feet Under on DVD if I’m feeling classy) but figure out what you need to do to beat away the burnout. Good luck!
*HmC* January 7, 2012, 11:31 pm
Butt humor is the best. I will use ANY excuse to call someone an asshat. Maybe I should consider a career with middle schoolers if this law thing doesn’t work out…
Thank you for your kind words! Dude, Patti Stanger is amazing, I can never look away from that show.
K y’all, I’m off to study! On a Saturday night. Boo.
MsBorgia January 6, 2012, 9:49 pm
Mixed: things are rocky with the boyfriend and I’m looking at a job offer that could either be really good or really bad for us… I am also a diamond-producing-clenched-ass-cheek machine, so HmC, you have my sympathy.
silver_dragon_girl January 6, 2012, 9:56 pm
Mine is good so far, and yet not…I keep stewing over some stupid things I did in the past (like two years ago). Things that I should be able to forgive myself for, and yet I can’t.
Trixy Minx January 6, 2012, 10:01 pm
What did you do?
silver_dragon_girl January 6, 2012, 10:07 pm
About two years ago, I was dating two guys. I told them both I wouldn’t have sex with either of them until I chose. Then I got my job in another state, while Guy #1 was away on vacation, and ended up sleeping with Guy #2. I felt awful, told him about it, he was upset but didn’t break things off with me or anything and it was fine. I recently told my current boyfriend about this, to get it off my chest.
Then the other day I remembered something else. After that incident, before Guy #1 (who I later ended up dating until he cheated on me and then broke up with me) came back from his vacation, I got contacted by a former FWB/fuck buddy of mine. I told him I was talking to someone else now (was very serious about Guy #1, and had plans to meet up when he got back even though I would only have about a week with him until I moved out of state for the new job). He begged me to come over. I did, just “to say goodbye.” And I ended up kissing him. Nothing more than kissing, but still. At the time, I felt good about it, because I had “passed the test,” so to speak, and I felt like I was ready to move on and be with Guy #1 even though there probably wasn’t a future in it (at that point I didn’t know he would be willing to try a LDR with me once I moved).
But now I feel like a slut/skank/cheater/whore/what-have-you. I know it’s stupid to beat myself up about something that happened years ago, and was such a “gray area” thing to begin with. But I can’t seem to stop. 🙁
rainbow January 6, 2012, 10:32 pm
You’re probably thinking about this more often than everyone else involved, and that’s usually when it’s time to stop.
Please be kind to yoursef.
rainbow January 6, 2012, 10:32 pm
*lf
silver_dragon_girl January 6, 2012, 10:35 pm
Thank you.
WatersEdge January 7, 2012, 9:32 am
Unless you’re cheating on your current boyfriend, you have nothing to worry about. You weren’t in a committed relationship with either of them, and they knew that. Based on the above, if you’re a slut, then I’m a HUGE slut. And I’m not a huge slut, so you can’t be a slut! 🙂
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 9:57 am
See it as a learning moment. You’ve discovered what you will and won’t do in future relationships. You’ve learned that you’re a basically very decent person who hates doing things that aren’t nice. You wouldn’t feel this bad for this long if you weren’t a good person with a conscience. Know that you’ll never be like that again because it just isn’t you and forgive yourself for making some mistakes. These weren’t your best moments but they are now defining moments and are helping you to be a better person so it’s okay to forgive yourself.
Painted_lady January 7, 2012, 12:40 pm
Oh honey. If your boyfriend were the one who was saying all this stuff you’re telling us and making you feel like hell over something you couldn’t possibly change if you tried, I’d tell you he’s a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk. But you’re just being a jerk to yourself. There’s a quote from Eat, Pray, Love (the book) that I go back to anytime I’m self-flagellating over something as if feeling bad enough will make it not true: “Guilt’s just your ego’s way of tricking you into thinking that you’re making moral progress.” Because so many of us – myself among them – seem to think that regarding yourself as a big enough asshole somehow cancels out whatever you did. And it doesn’t – it only makes you a person capable of doing a not-so-nice thing who ALSO feels like hell about herself. Use it as a tool – introspect to the point that you know why you did it and what triggered the behavior you don’t like, and then go let yourself off the hook for the rest of it. You don’t deserve that treatment, especially not from yourself.
*HmC* January 7, 2012, 11:32 pm
I love this way of looking at it. We can be so much crueler to ourselves than we would ever allow someone else to be.
Trixy Minx January 8, 2012, 12:40 am
@ *HmC* I wish I would like your comment a million times.
silver_dragon_girl January 8, 2012, 10:40 am
This is perfect, thanks. And no, he isn’t making me feel bad about it, it’s just me feeling bad about myself…and I am definitely feeling better now.
Christy January 6, 2012, 10:12 pm
2012 is pretty great so far. My girlfriend is pretty awesome, the Ravens have a bye in the playoffs, the Caps keep winning, I just moved to Capitol Hill (in DC), and I have a job at least until April. Quite good. Now if only my gf would get back from California. Just gotta wait until after the Super Bowl…
Taro January 6, 2012, 10:22 pm
2012 has been quiet so far, but it’s been a good week.
I’ve also decided to try online dating. I don’t know how this goes about though. In terms of online dating rules, do men typically message women first, or can I message someone who seems interesting?
Trixy Minx January 8, 2012, 12:39 am
I’ve been doing online dating and I think its good to let the guy know your interested. Sometimes I’ll give him 5 or 4 stars to start things or a quick hello and mention something in his profile. It seems like guys don’t expect girls to message them and are pleasantly surprised when we do.
AliceInDairyLand January 8, 2012, 12:24 pm
I (upon joining OKCupid on a dare from my roomie) ended up messaging a guy who I thought was cute, kind of on a whim because we came from the same small town and we had a few similar interests. He ended up responding and now we have been dating for 1.5 years!
He said that women RARELY message (he had been on there a couple times) but that when they do it is always a good thing. Guys don’t have tons of time (or energy) to scour every profile. I just think it would be horrible to think you might have missed out on meeting someone amazing just because you were afraid to message him and he never saw your profile, or thought that you were too awesome for him, etc, etc.
So go for it! Have fun!
amber January 8, 2012, 1:25 pm
i agree, i messaged my now husband first. like you said if you leave it up to the guy they might miss out on your profile. there are so many people on those things you have to be proactive!
honeybeenicki January 6, 2012, 10:48 pm
2012 is shaping up to be a great year for me 🙂 My husband is coming home later this year, my mom and I (and by proxy my husband) are buying a duplex together so we can be neighbors and both my stepkids get their own room (and I get a huge basement rec room), I am going on my first cruise, I just got a job (well, not a “job” since I won’t get paid, but maybe in the future it can be a real job) writing for a metal music magazine, and my new blog is taking off with almost 600 hits in less than 2 months. I’ve had a horrible last few years, so I figure I’m about due for a good one.
LadyinPurpleNotRed January 6, 2012, 10:52 pm
The metal music magazine sounds amazing!!
honeybeenicki January 6, 2012, 10:57 pm
I’m really excited about it. The reason I started my blog was because I wanted to get back into writing and I wanted to write about something I love (music). I did a short post on the metal magazine becase its brand new (so far its only online but the editor told me we are expected to start going to print in March) and I wanted to help spread the word and it all just came together from there since the editor saw my post.
LadyinPurpleNotRed January 6, 2012, 11:04 pm
that’s awesome!!! (I’m overly excited because I’m a writer and I love music)
amber January 6, 2012, 10:54 pm
the second half of 2011 and the first part of 2012 have been great. i mentioned earlier in 2011 that my grandfather was having surgery in december. it went very well. he had an aneurysm in his stomach fixed and they were able to save his left kidney. the doctor says he should make a full recovery. we’re all very very thankful for this! my dogs are currently cuddling with me and my husband and my job is going well. i really couldn’t ask for much more, except to get to see my family that lives in Virginia more.
honeybeenicki January 6, 2012, 10:59 pm
I’m glad your grandfather is expected to make a full recovery! And there’s nothing better than dog snuggles. Right now one of mine is snoring away on the love seat across the room and the other one is licking the side of the couch (because she’s kind of special).
amber January 6, 2012, 11:11 pm
haha that’s too funny one of our dogs is an obsessive licker too. some times we have to yell at her in the middle of the night because she’s licking the comforter so loud.
honeybeenicki January 7, 2012, 10:28 am
Emma licks the couch and sometimes the tables mostly. We gate them in the kitchen at night and sometimes I have to get up and say words I never thought I’d have to put together: “Stop chewing on the appliances!”
amber January 8, 2012, 8:56 am
haha yeah we find ourselves yelling, ‘stop licking your brothers penis’ and ‘if you lick her butt one more time i’m putting you in the room’. ahh dogs!
Painted_lady January 7, 2012, 12:46 pm
Oh god. Painted Dude and I ran out of pillows to throw at my dog last night because he was licking so bad.
L January 6, 2012, 11:50 pm
2012 is good so far, but I’m terrified beyond belief at how much CHANGE will likely happen in 2012. I understand that change is good, but we’re talking me hopefully getting my first big girl full time job, my boyfriend hopefully getting his first big boy full time job, me FINALLY moving out of my parents’ house and on my own, my boyfriend and I hopefully moving so we can live closer than 300 miles apart, us possibly sharing an apartment (never lived with a boyfriend; heck never even HAD a serious boyfriend until my current relationship), maybe more changes? Like I said, change. And LOTS of it. AND the boyfriend will be living halfway across the world for 3 months for a study abroad program starting in March. AND many of these major decisions will likely come around the time he’s going to be out of the country.
I actually could use some advice regarding the move from a LDR to a more traditional relationship setting where I can see him more often than once per month. I know Wendy has touched on it in some of her articles, but does anyone have additional advice when thinking/talking about a potential transition from a LDR? I don’t want us to rush into things and things just fall apart, but I know that we’re both more than ready to see each other more often than once every month. We’ve discussed things like having more of a roommate apartment situation where we each have our own space and split the costs down the middle and everything. The thing is, we’re both in the same field and it is unlikely that both of us will get a job in the same area. One might get a job in the middle of nowhere in one state, the other might get a job in the middle of nowhere in a different state, and where does that leave us? One of us might accept a job and the other might not and just move to be with the other person…but I don’t want to put my career on hold and neither does he…ugggghhhhh.
Advice?
WatersEdge January 7, 2012, 9:36 am
Is there an area of the country that is particularly good for your field? Maybe you two can coordinate job searches so that at worst, you live like 2-3 hours away from each other, but at best, you can live together.
L January 7, 2012, 2:39 pm
Thanks for the idea, WatersEdge. Unfortunately right now EVERYWHERE is pretty selective in our field because there have been a lot of cuts and those people who have been let go are also looking for jobs right now. I’m competing with people who have 10, 20 years of experience. My boyfriend and I are both in music education…something that is unfortunately often first on the chopping block when schools make cuts. 🙁
jaybro January 7, 2012, 3:26 pm
Have you considered starting up your own music school? It’d be a shit ton of work, I’m sure, but at least there’d be a place for the both of you!
L January 7, 2012, 6:33 pm
That would be SO FUN. If only I had resources. And time. And energy. Maybe sometime down the line!! He is actually a classical music composer too, so I’ve been suggesting to him to try to get the attention of different music publishers and then maybe I could get the job of my dreams and he could work at home as a composer…and he could be a substitute teacher on top of that so he could fill in for me when I’m sick. 🙂
jaybro January 7, 2012, 9:46 pm
That is so awesome! A composer! Wow! I have barely any musical talent, so I’m always impressed by music people like you two. And a music school is something to keep in mind! I have a friend/acquaintance who started her own school when she graduated college, and she seems really happy. She even has like four other people teaching with her now. So it can be done!
L January 8, 2012, 10:51 am
Yeah, I too think it’s really cool that he composes. That is one aspect of music I’m not very good in. For my senior recital a couple years ago he wrote a piece for me to play, and for the recital he played the piano part. It was awesome!
GatorGirl January 7, 2012, 4:14 pm
I just went from a LDR to a short distance relationship 8 months ago. My recommendation would be talk about everything. Communication is the key to any relationship, which I’m sure you know from being long distance. Also try to make some friends independent of your BF. Its hard and I’ve been very unsuccessful myself, but I wish I had some! Good luck!
L January 7, 2012, 6:43 pm
Yes indeed, communication is vital. I’ve been with the boyfriend for 2.5-ish years now so I definitely know the importance of talking about everything!! We both unfortunately have extreme stubbornness issues at times and have had issues compromising on some things in the past. Hopefully when we start talk about these transitions we will understand each other and listen to each other without pulling the “I’m right and there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind” card.
jaybro January 7, 2012, 12:23 am
I have high hopes for this year. And I haven’t broken a resolution yet! Woohoo! I suppose the downside is that I have an oral surgery coming in February-March, but it’s also a positive thing for me. Crappy only because it’s surgery.
Caris January 7, 2012, 1:45 am
About a bit more than a year ago my mom started to be really depressed (shed cry at work, cry at home, etc). Then she met this guy at the swimming pool she goes to (hes the lifeguard). She completely fell in love with him or something like really fast. Before they even started dating he told her she needed to lose weight (my mom always complained about my dad calling her fat among other things). Instead of telling him to f off she came back home crying. Next thing you know they are ‘dating’. She goes over to his house once a week (usually Thursdays cause its convenient for him) and prepares food for him. Comes back home with dirty Tupperware around 3 am, even though she has to wake up really early to go to work. Or they see each other at the pool, but only when HE wants. He never takes her out anywhere (I am not sure if she told him she’d like to actually go out somewhere), again, she always complained about my dad not taking her out anywhere.(He also bought her like 2 gifts that are totally not her style and for some reason that really bothers me).
I started telling my mom she should go to therapy, since I have no idea what to do to get her out of depression. She resisted the idea a lot and finally started going, I don’t remember when she started, a little before July 2011 I think.
Yesterday I went to her to the pharmacy and asked her what she was buying so she indirectly told me she was buying medication for her Bipolar Disorder. I was a little bit shocked that she had not told me she had been diagnosed, so I asked her why she hadn’t told me before (I knew she was taking meds, but I thought they were only to help her sleep). According to her there is no reason for her to tell me about her having Bipolar Disorder. The when we got home she asked my brother to read out the indications of one of the meds she bought, and there we learnt she also happens to have Schizophrenia…
I also asked her what the opinion of her psych was on her relationship with the pool guy, cause I never liked that she was in it. I mean, she started it when she was depressed. He called her fat even before they started dating. He never takes her out or sees her as often as she’d like. Her psych recommended her to break up with him, but she won’t do it cause she stills loves him despite the fact that he doesn’t treat her right.
She complained about him not taking her out, and she cries if he doesn’t answer her ims. She has the cellphone on her hand ALL the time, even when we go out to do something together. Its like its part of her hand! SO basically shes been acting like a 15 year old girl that has never been in love before and is repeating the pattern of going out with guys that don’t really care about her.
She also said a lot of mind boggling things when we were in the car about relationships but this post is already too long.
I have no idea what to do. At all.
rainbow January 7, 2012, 2:44 am
That’s really sad! Do you live with your mom? Is it just you and your brother or would anyone else be interested in helping? Do you depend on her financially or otherwise?
Caris January 7, 2012, 4:06 am
Yea I live with her and unfortunately I depend on her financially. I really need to get a job. And its mostly me and my brother ( I have another brother but he is over in the US).
=|
WatersEdge January 7, 2012, 9:42 am
“The when we got home she asked my brother to read out the indications of one of the meds she bought, and there we learnt she also happens to have Schizophrenia…”
What does this mean?
Just so you know (to try to take one sadness off your plate) it’s highly unlikely that your mother has schizophrenia in addition to bipolar. Does that mean that she was prescribed an antipsychotic drug? Those are used for a host of things, including as a sleep aid and as a bipolar med, so that doesn’t mean she has schizophrenia.
Caris January 7, 2012, 10:38 am
The meds shes taking are Risperdal, Meplar 20 (paroxetine), and Cloragin 2 (clonazepam).
The indications of the Risperdal pretty much said its to treat schizophrenia.Yesterday I was reading symptoms of it and she does seem to have many of them (Irritable or tense feeling, Difficulty sleeping, Social isolation, Anxious, Angry or argumentative, False believes that others are trying to harm you (she thinks I’m trying to control her all the time or that ppl do things to her cause they are jealous ), Childlike behavior, Showing little emotion, Lack of activity, Does not respond much to other people)
I also asked her when my brother was reading the med indications (I said something like: oh you have schizophrenia too? What does that mean? ) and she answered yes but she didn’t know what it meant which doesn’t make sense, doesn’t the psych tell them what symptoms they are showing and why they are giving you certain meds ? So I don’t know, hopefully you are right and she was given it to also treat her bipolar disorder
EB January 7, 2012, 6:00 pm
While Risperidone/Risperdal is an atypical anti-psychotic that can be used to treat schizophrenia, it is also commonly prescribed to treat bipolar disorder. Either way, this sounds like a tremendously difficult situation you are experiencing with your mother and my thoughts are with you.
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 10:08 am
A good friend’s mom was bipolar and she told me that her mom made all serious decisions while in a manic high. While she was in the depressed phase she was just too depressed to make any decisions or changes in her life. So she got divorced while on a manic high, moved to California on a manic high and joined a new religion on a manic high. Your mom may be the same and while she remains depressed she won’t be able to breakup with her jerk.
Painted_lady January 7, 2012, 1:00 pm
The best recommendation I can make is to get out. Get a job – several, if you must – save up money, find roommates and get out. It’s far easier to set boundaries as an independent adult than as a dependent. And that is really all you can do, unfortunately. Set boundaries as far as what you will and won’t help your mother on, what you will and won’t talk about, and once you move out, under what conditions you will see her.
Also, I would talk to a mental health professional as well, ASAP. He or she will help you figure out those boundaries, give you coping strategies for dealing with your mom in the most productive way that also protects you, and help you reconcile yourself to how little say you get in what your mom does. Wish you the best!
Caris January 7, 2012, 10:21 pm
Ok, so you guys are right 🙂 the schizophrenia med is for her bipolar disorder. So shes just bipolar. No schizophrenia, yay.( I asked her clearly if the psych had told her she had schizophrenia or not, she said no, the med is for my bipolar disorder, hopefully shes not lying) I’ll definitely work on the get out of here plan. Thanks for the advice, anything helps :).
WatersEdge January 8, 2012, 12:31 pm
Well, one (tiny) less thing to worry about! Best of luck to you.
Caris January 7, 2012, 4:03 am
Yea I live with her and unfortunately I depend on her financially. I really need to get a job. And its mostly me and my brother ( I have another brother but he is over in the US).
=|
Addie Pray January 7, 2012, 8:29 am
It’s too early to tell how the year is going. But, I am managing to keep at least one of my resolutions – the one where I do 30 days in a row of hot yoga. So far I’m on track. I’ve done 6 days in a row, and in 2 hours I will have completed 7 days in a row! … Just 23 days to go. FML. I’m already sick of it. I have sweaty towels and clothes hanging to dry everywhere. Plus…. it’s so damn hot, and time consuming. But I’m pushing forward. Off I go. Here I go now. … Oh, have you guys seen Shit Yogis Say? It’s funny (I think): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMC1_RH_b3k
Addie Pray January 7, 2012, 10:58 am
7 for 7, namaste, mother fuckers!
Bethany January 7, 2012, 11:39 am
Great Job! Are you doing Bikram’s 30 day challenge?
Addie Pray January 7, 2012, 11:44 am
Yup!! It’s scary because they put your name up on the wall for all to see and cross off each day at a time… Talk about accountability! They say you should do the 60 day challenge and it will change your life forever. Well, I’m going to Mexico on Feb. 1 so I didn’t plan accordingly for that. Besides, let me first see if I can make it to 30. 23 days to go sounds…. shitty.
Trixy Minx January 7, 2012, 4:38 pm
If you keep it up you’re gonna have a smokin hot body for mexico!
Addie Pray January 8, 2012, 12:11 am
Have you heard of my obsession with Chick-fil-A?
Trixy Minx January 8, 2012, 12:25 am
Yes..Its a reasonable obsession. 😉
McLovin January 8, 2012, 3:11 am
If you’re going to Cabo, ask around for Senior Pepe, tell him that you’re a friend of McLovins’……he’ll take really good care of you.
McLovin January 8, 2012, 3:15 am
*Senor
Addie Pray January 8, 2012, 2:08 pm
8 days, done! Sorry, this is not going to be a very fun count down for you guys. I’ll count quietly to myself. Today was my best class ever, though I almost passed out.
Bethany January 8, 2012, 2:59 pm
Great job!!! The most I’ve ever practiced is 4 times in one week- I can’t imagine what 8 days in a row feels like, let alone 30! You can do it!
Just Max January 7, 2012, 8:50 am
This week has been strenuous; too emotional, too stressful… It is a time to be grateful for all I’ve accomplished over the last few years (Bachelors! Promotions! Vacations! …); but now I find myself a bit lost looking for what’s next. I need some balance and am not sure where to start.
In the meantime, I’m trying some new recipes… 😉
Will.i.am January 9, 2012, 10:37 am
I’m right there with you. My life came to a dull roar at 25 when I noticed I had wasted too much time partying and not enough time with my girlfriend and education. About to turn 28 in 3 weeks has had me thinking. I have the education down and I have gotten my career down. Not to toot my own, but I’ve been very excited in the last two years to have gotten over a 30% raise. I never thought I would do as well as I have career and education wise, even though I made some poor choices along the way.
Now that I’ve obtained these goals, I too, feel a bit lost. I’m in my career and I will most likely work on obtaining a second degree in Accounting in August. My friends, for the most part, are getting married and having children. I’m opposed to getting married and having children just yet, but I’ve been chomping at the bit for something more serious relationship wise. I’ve been fortunate enough to go out on dates, but there isn’t enough there to move to something more serious.
I have a couple of guy friends that are in the same boat as I am and we are all pondering what our next steps will be. Even the women that I know that are in the same boat, seem to be content with staying single for a while because it’s a blast for them. I’m at that stage to where I’m ready to comfortably take the next step to serious commitment, since I haven’t been committed in almost 3 years. I’m ready but I don’t want to settle for just anything. It’s such a draining process since I’ve been somewhat stuck doing the same thing day in and day out.
This year is going to be my year to travel. Haven’t been anywhere in 3 years for vacation and I’m so excited to go to Myrtle Beach for a week. I want to go to Las Vegas again as well. Out of all the accomplishments I’ve had the last few years, I truly miss making memories with a significant other.
Sorry for the long rant, just been on my mind all weekend. Feel much better that it’s off my chest and other people can comment.
amber January 9, 2012, 10:49 am
Hope your vacation in Myrtle Beach is fun! My husband and I live just a little south of there. If you’re looking for a more relaxed atmosphere while you’re here come down to Pawleys Island 🙂
Will.i.am January 9, 2012, 11:29 am
We are planning on going to the Boardwalk most of the time we are there. I’m going with my buddy and his wife, since he was stationed two hours from Myrtle Beach. Me and my girlfriend loved it at the time. We aren’t together since we broke up about 7 months after that trip, and that stopped my trip traveling.
I’m in a position to travel and have a ball this year in some new places. I’ve just been in a same routine kind of funk the last few months and I’m really ready to get out of it.
Thank You!! I plan to have a really good time.
WatersEdge January 7, 2012, 9:49 am
This year is good so far. It’s my second year of marriage, and being married is getting easier. It wasn’t all that hard to begin with, but we’re at the point where we’re starting to divide up labor without having to talk about it, and learning what bugs the other and how to get around it. We’re also getting on the same page financially, which took some doing. So I’m liking that about 2012.
2012 is the year that I graduate with my doctorate (woot woot!) and the year of Getting Our Financial House In Order to Prepare for Baby. We have no pregnancy yet, but probably this time next year we’ll start trying. Since this is the last year I may be a non-parent, I’m trying to enjoy my me-time and have lots of fun with my husband. It’s working so far!
Rachel January 7, 2012, 5:30 pm
Yay for your doctorate! 2012 is my phd year too!
MissDre January 7, 2012, 10:57 am
It’s 2012! I’ve finally decided that I’m going to start my own freelancing business and by August I’ll quit my boring ass day job. I went out and financed a brand new iMac and all the software I need to get started. I’ve been studying my ass off at Lynda.com and I have several potential clients lined up! I CAN DO THIS! I tend to start a lot of things, but I quit early on (mostly due to lack of confidence) but I this is going to be the year to turn things around.
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 11:14 am
My big thing this year is that I turn fifty and so does my husband and we’re asking how we could possibly be 50. I feel like I’m 25 or 30 but somehow can’t be because I have a 20 year old son. I’m happy. I enjoy my life and my husband and my kids and my friends. Plans for this year include paying off our mortgage in the next few months, buying a new car and redecorating the interior of our house. We’d also like to visit England this summer but have no formal plans yet.
Addie Pray January 7, 2012, 11:32 am
Oh, you should have a joint 100th birthday party for you two!
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 12:37 pm
We could do that! Our birthdays are only 6 weeks apart and a joint we’re 100 party would be fun!!!
Addie Pray January 8, 2012, 12:11 am
Do it, do it! But now of course you’ll have to invite me.
Bethany January 7, 2012, 11:40 am
Congrats on almost paying off the mortgage!!! That must feel incredible!
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 12:43 pm
It’s great and will enable us up to pay for other things like England and a car! We have 18 months left on the mortgage but we’re going to sell some stock options and pay it off now to free up more income to do the things we want to do. Last year we mentioned to my uncle that we only had three years left on our mortage and he commented that a paid for house is a valuable thing and his words keep coming back to both of us and we agree so much and want to finish it off now.
mcminnem January 7, 2012, 7:33 pm
I read your first line and for a moment there I thought you were intending to buy England. 😛 Then I remembered that you meant travel.
…but for real, buy England.
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 9:08 pm
That would be some income!
honeybeenicki January 8, 2012, 12:34 pm
I pictured te same thing.
Amy January 7, 2012, 12:13 pm
I’ve been sick so far in 2012 but I am finally on the mend and going to go run at the gym after I finish my cup of coffee:)
This will be a good year. This is the year I am getting married! In fact just 5 minutes ago I was searching magnetstreet.com for wedding invitations and then I pop over here to DearWendy and there is an ad at the top of the page for magnetstreet. Weird. Things like this keep happening. It happened for about a month with the bridesmaid dresses that my gal pals chose for my wedding. Every time I logged on to the internet, whether it be to check my email or just browse for whatever, bam there would be those dresses in an ad for Nordstroms. Weird.
Anyway, I hope 2012 is a great year for everyone.
Elle January 7, 2012, 10:14 pm
Websites leave cookies on your computer, it’s not random. I ordered a couple of gifts for my friends who just had babies from diapers.com, and I kept seeing baby products ads for a month afterwards. Hope you had a good run.
Amy January 8, 2012, 4:01 am
Ahh Elle, that makes sense. I forgot about those weird traces and cookie crumbs we leave on the internet.
Kerrycontrary January 7, 2012, 1:11 pm
Ugh I hope 2012 is a CALM year. In 2011: My boyfriend went to arizona for 4 months for the military, I graduated from gradschool…Jobless, was completely unemployed for 2 months, broke the entire year, and moved. I’m starting my full-time job on Monday so I cannot wait to get some stability in my life.
Lindsey January 8, 2012, 10:23 am
Stability is always a good thing!
Painted_lady January 7, 2012, 1:16 pm
So far the year has been amazing. I started it living with my boyfriend, and we’re starting to find a routine. Because we’d always been long-distance, the first week or so felt a little like another visit and we both felt like the host, so there was this constant pressure to be entertaining. Now, though, he’s working on a painting and I’ve been reading and commenting on DW, and it’s nice to do solo stuff in the same room together. Oh, and the painting? Totally hilarious portrait of me making a stupid face with Amy Winehouse hair. It’s to go with a self-portrait of him he did last spring, and one of my dog to go at the top of our stairs. I’m kind of excited.
I went back to work Monday, and the kids were back Tuesday. They’ve been so good and so fun, I’m kind of concerned that they’re plotting something. Our big one-act play contest was moved to April from February, and I feel like a ton of bricks was removed from my shoulders. And I’m halfway through my second year teaching. Hooray!
That's_Bananas January 7, 2012, 1:35 pm
2012 has felt a little bummy, but I think it’s only because my last half of 2011 was amazing and peaceful and happy, so I’m a bit sad it’s over.
However, I got to spend 6 whole days with my amazing niece, who is a year and a half. She is so much fun and feisty and I do miss hearing her speak her secret baby language throughout the house. I think I’m just feeling off because now it’s too quiet!
2012 will bring a lot of changes…My boyfriend and I will be moving in together in 6 months and I’m both terrified and excited for the process! I’ll be moving out of my downtown Philly apartment and we are going to look for a place together in the burbs. Does anyone have any advice? I haven’t lived with anyone in 6 years…Eep!
honeybeenicki January 8, 2012, 12:31 pm
The only advice I have to offer is to remember to compromise and not sweat the small stuff. It can be hard adjusting to living with someone and sharing space and time. If you’re like me, I have a schedule and routine – its not set in stone and I’m pretty flexible, but its still there.
bittergaymark January 7, 2012, 1:52 pm
I don’t know what to make of the coming year. So far it’s started out awful. Best friend had to sell her house — did sell her house — best friend now leaving LA. Work seems non-existant. I dunno. It simply just ISN’T a great time to be alive. Oh, well. Whatever. On the plus size, Jen is taking me to Bali for all my help in selling the house and now the seemingly endless task of emptying it all out. Yeah, a few weeks Bali…will be great. But really — I have nothing to come back to. And that worries me.
Meanwhile idiots keep having babies who can’t afford them — dumping them off on their misguided enabling family members… Ugh, this thread is just depressing to me. I’d weep for the future… if I still fucking cared.
JK January 7, 2012, 2:27 pm
I think the baby thing is like everything else, you hear more about the idiots looking to have kids, not the good, stable families. At least I hope so.
I hope Bali does you good, sometimes a little time away does wonders, and lets you have a new persepctive on life. And Bali sounds amazing.
Skyblossom January 7, 2012, 4:48 pm
I think so too. Most parents are good but the ones who always catch our attention are the deadbeat ditch the kids type of parents.
bittergaymark January 7, 2012, 9:31 pm
Hopefully, you are right about that. It’s just it seems there is no ending to the stories of those who have kids who clearly shouldn’t. It’s really the worst side of humanity, I think.
honeybeenicki January 8, 2012, 12:28 pm
I’m surrounded by idiots who keep having kids but shouldn’t, yet I’m unable to easily conceive due to medical issues. I just don’t understand.
bittergaymark January 9, 2012, 1:33 pm
Now that would drive me insane… So sorry to hear that, Honeybeenicki…
L January 8, 2012, 12:53 am
Parents who shouldn’t be parents terrify me. I’m hoping you’re right JK in the fact that we hear about the worst of them, but some of the stories I’ve heard as a teacher FREAK ME OUT. One 18-year-old kid I taught didn’t even know where his mom was. And she calls him maybe twice per year. His dad is totally out of the picture. The kid is supporting himself with a job at Target and living with his friend’s family. Another kid ran away from home three times in the past year because his home life SUCKS. Like physical and emotional abuse from his parents, dad gets drunk all the time, etc. It scares me sometimes that the only adults who actually seem to care about some of these kids are their teachers, and sometimes the kids don’t even see how much their teachers care. Many of them think school is the worst thing EVER and they will be lucky to graduate.
Don’t even get me STARTED on those parents that just give their children everything that they want…there are waaaayyy too many mommies and daddies paying for a $100/month cell phone bill for middle and high school kids. Data plan, texting…the whole works. Or the kids that get a TV AND laptop for Christmas in one year??? (That was actually my 12-year-old cousin this year…can’t say I agree with it whatsoever.) I just fear at this rate the upcoming generation will know NOTHING about what hard work means and they will just expect things to fall into their laps. I’m a firm believer in allowing kids to work for what they want, whether it be a phone or an expensive pair of jeans or a movie or whatever. Not that gift giving is bad, but sometimes it gets out of control… *end rant*
JK January 8, 2012, 7:15 am
Totally agree with you on the gift thing. My husband´s 12 year old nephew always has the latest cell, computer, games, etc. He´s 12, WTF does he need a smartphone for??? He doesn´t even leave his house!!!!
After Christmas I had to have a serious talk with my 4 year old, who had a tantrum because she thought her baby sister had received more presents than she had. And she keeps bugging us for a TV in her room. Of course she´s not getting one just yet!
Again, like I said on another thread, I think there should be a mandatory course for parenting, until you pass it you don´t get to have a kid. Wouldn´t that be great?
L January 8, 2012, 10:49 am
Uggghh. I’m sorry your 4-year-old threw such a tantrum! That really sucks. I’m not a mom yet, but I’m planning to raise my kids so that they are thankful for every gift they receive. And I’m hoping that part of my gift giving can be more experience-focused rather than material possession-focused. Mandatory family fun sounds like a good plan. Hahaa. 🙂
JK January 8, 2012, 1:50 pm
That´s what I´m trying to do as well, but sometimes things don´t go according to plan!!! On one hand she´s really generous, she loves helping, giving presents to people, etc, but then she seems so terribly spoiled. I´m hoping it´s just a phase.
L January 8, 2012, 5:49 pm
I believe it! From what I’ve heard motherhood never goes as planned. Is she starting school soon? Maybe that will help her to grow out of her phase. After all, everything you need to know in life you learn in kindergarten: sharing with others, treating others as you would like to be treated, respecting others, etc. etc.
JK January 9, 2012, 9:25 am
SHe started kindy last year, she loves it, has a big group of friends, and seeing her interact with them she´s SO different than what she is at home!!! And her teacher always reported how helpful and sweet she is.
I´m chalking it up to jealousy, and hoping it´s just a phase!
Sue Jones January 7, 2012, 9:31 pm
I’m sorry, BGM! Sometimes when there seems to be nothing left, you have a chance to start completely over… I know that sounds corny… but it may be a good time to move to a new place, start a new life plan, etc…
Temperance January 8, 2012, 11:05 am
My stupid 25-year-old cousin is popping out #5 in about a month. I weep for those children, whose father has 4 other kids with 3 other women. Sigh.
honeybeenicki January 8, 2012, 12:30 pm
A girl I know is 5 months pregnant and her youngest is 6 months old. She has 4 of her own already plus a stepson and can’t afford the ones she’s got. I’m pretty young (25 and childless except my 2 stepkids), but she’s even younger than I am.
Trixy Minx January 7, 2012, 4:32 pm
This year started out with one of my coworkers getting fired and even though it was expected (by most of us but he somehow didn’t see it coming) it was really sad to see him go.
I’m not sure what to expect this year. Last year was a “lets just fuck with me” sorta year so anything would be better. I don’t have any crazy resolutions. I just want to be happy being me and not to get depressed when things don’t go according to plan.
Trixy Minx January 7, 2012, 4:50 pm
I love that my job requires me to talk to really good looking installers/contractors. Makes me get over my shyness quicker. 🙂
em January 7, 2012, 4:54 pm
I finally ask a guy i’m dating 7 mon what is his next move…and he said he doesn’t know..
i hate this stuck in between feeling…not best way to start new year 🙂
mcminnem January 7, 2012, 7:39 pm
Started off the year by finally meeting my boyfriend’s parents, which was…interesting. Now looking forward to FINALLY graduating (I feel like I’ve been a student forever!) getting hold of a job so I can stop being broke, and most awesomely, my brother will be getting a book published in August of this year. WOO to the HOO! 😀 I think I’m more excited for that than he is, to be honest. He’s so damn level-headed.
Sue Jones January 7, 2012, 9:12 pm
4 of my high school classmates and a college roomate died last year… I am only 50! I know to most in this crowd, that sounds “old” like your parents, but I’m tellin’ you, it is way too young! I only pay attention to leap years for the calendar change and the fact that it is always an election year… which is always good theater… On another note, I am really disgusted that they offered Taylor Swift the role of Eponine in the movie version of Les Miserables… that just feels so wrong on so many levels….
bittergaymark January 7, 2012, 9:35 pm
Yeah, I’m barely 40 and the Grim Reaper proved ruthless this year. And none of it was car accidents or other such tragedies you chalk up to fate. Instead is was all heart attacks and cancer. Healthy, fit people, too… Scary. I know of five people my age (or younger) who all got squashed into oblivion by horrible swift diseases…
jaybro January 7, 2012, 9:50 pm
I am STILL in shock that they gave Eponine to Taylor!! Especially when someone like Lea Michele tried out for it too!! Say what you want about Lea, but that girl’s got some pipes, especially for Broadway stuff. I’m so mad! But I know I’m going to see it regardless, so I just have to keep the chin up and hope T-Swift has some magic up her sleeves.
MELH January 7, 2012, 9:26 pm
The good: this will bemy first full year married and I am looking forward to what it brings for my husband and I.
The bad: I graduated law school in May, passed the bar in July, and have yet to find a job. I’ve been facing a lot of criticism couched in the form of advice from my dad, and we finally had an argument over it. He told me that he thought I wouldn’t find a job because of my “terrible” class rank ( I was 44 out of about 114 students). He also told me I spent too much time during law school focusing on my relationship with my now husband, which was long distance for over a year. When I told him I thought my happy marriage was more important than my class rank, my mom told me that I was not competitive enough to be a lawyer. Oh and I live in a condo he owns, so until he cools down he has upped my rent ( for the purposes of hurting my financially so I get a job faster in his words). We haven’t spoken since the argument on Monday, and what he said just made me feel even worse than I already do about my lack of a job. So I hope I can find a job and make this year a good one.
jaybro January 7, 2012, 9:52 pm
You know what they call a lawyer who graduates at the bottom of his class? A lawyer.
Keep the outlook positive, and you’ll find a job. 🙂
jaybro January 7, 2012, 9:53 pm
And I forgot to say: UPPING THE RENT?! Geez Louise. That mega sucks.
MELH January 8, 2012, 9:54 am
Yup, so far he hasn’t cashed the check, so I think he realized he was being irrational, but still. I thought his help in letting us live in the condo was sweet, now I realize I need to get out sooner rather than later.
Trixy Minx January 8, 2012, 12:31 am
I hope you get a job soon and get out of that condo asap.
CatsMeow January 7, 2012, 9:28 pm
I think I just sabotaged the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life. I’m about to get dumped for being insecure.
mcminnem January 7, 2012, 11:46 pm
How so? I’d always be inclined to say it’s probably not nearly as bad as you think… 🙂
*HmC* January 7, 2012, 11:47 pm
Oh no! Want to share details? There are some pretty insightful people on here…
Trixy Minx January 8, 2012, 12:29 am
I did that a couple of weeks ago.. I hadn’t dated in over a year and then just put all my insecurities out there.. *sighs*
CatsMeow January 8, 2012, 2:06 pm
We’ve been together for almost a year and this was our first big fight. In fact, it was my first time ever seeing him angry.
But what it boiled down to was that I was upset because I felt more invested in the relationship than him and I tried to talk to him about it without blaming him, but he got defensive and felt attacked anyway. We had talked about moving in together in September (when my lease is up), but now all of a sudden he’s moving somewhere ELSE with his best friend for 1 – 2 years. (Side note: We kinda have a 5-year plan which included moving in at the end of this year, if things to well then get engaged, then be engaged for a year, then married for a year before we start trying for a baby. I’m 30 in 5 days so there’s not a TON of leeway here). Right now we live practically next door to each other and it’s really convenient, especially since he works weird hours and it can be difficult to make time for each other during the week. And I wasn’t consulted. I don’t think he took my wants/needs into his decision making process at all. And I put our relationship first ALWAYS and I never make a decision without thinking about how it will affect him/us, so I concluded that he doesn’t care about me as much as I do him. I can’t police his thoughts, though (obvz). I can’t MAKE him love me as much as I love him. So really, I just wanted to talk about it and air my fears and feelings. And instead of talking about it, he just blew up at me and we didn’t have a productive conversation at all, and I was just sitting there sobbing, and he said he needed “time to think” and when I asked him if he was thinking about breaking up with me he said, “Now’s not a good time to ask me that.” All I got out of him was that he was mad that I doubted him and mad that I was having doubts about our relationship in general. But I have to be able to communicate that to him, right? We can’t just let resentment build up and fester!
So that was last night. This morning he sent me a text that said, “I’m sorry. Can I see you tonight?”…. so we’ll see.
But this is NOT how conflict is handled in a healthy relationship…. right?
Rachel January 8, 2012, 2:28 pm
I wonder if maybe it’s not that he is less invested, or loves you less, but maybe he was just freaking out about the idea to move in together? Maybe he decided he wasn’t ready for that step and he just kind of chickened out about talking to you rationally about it, so he got defensive.
Just try not to use a lot of those “I Always, and you never” statements when you’re arguing- I’ve been down that road, it doesn’t lead anywhere good.
Good luck, I hope everything works out okay.
callmehobo January 8, 2012, 2:30 pm
I think maybe he might be feeling a little put under pressure with your timetable?
You haven’t even been dating a year, but now you have a five year plan that includes marriage and babies… Maybe he’s a little freaked by the sound of your clock ticking.
That being said, it doesn’t sound like you had a healthy conversation. But, that text message (which included an apology) might indicate that he is ready to have a calm discussion with you about it. As long as you are both careful not to blame each other, and ready to really LISTEN to what each other is saying (even if you don’t like what is being said).
Good luck, CatsMeow!
CatsMeow January 8, 2012, 4:17 pm
Yeah. I’m taking that into account.
The thing is, I’m kind of a commitment-phobe myself. I’m terrified of marriage and babies and I’ve pretty much had an “if it happens, it happens” attitude about it and never wanted to push either issue. HE is the one that brought up the baby thing (TRUST – my biological clock is NOT ticking). And he’s also the one that suggested us looking for a place together at the end of this year.
I don’t think that me wanting him to keep his options open so we can consider moving in together in 9 months is all that unreasonable.
But the thing is, he knew I was upset about something, and he sensed that I was acting distant, and he wanted me to be able to talk to him. I was really reluctant to bring it all up, and then when I did, he just got mad. I prefaced the discussion by telling him that I wasn’t mad at him, and I’m logically and rationally aware that I can’t make him feel a certain way. The only tangible solution is to ask him to, in the future, at least include me in a discussion before me makes a decision that affects me/us. I said that and he didn’t take it too well.
I desperately want to work it out, but I have a feeling he’ll just want me to drop it and go back to acting happy while I’d like to continue this discussion. Should I just drop it for now? I really don’t want to wait 2 more years before we can move in with each other.
callmehobo January 8, 2012, 6:26 pm
I think you bring up rational points. This may not be what you want to hear, but if he set up this plan, bailed on said plan, and then got upset for you bringing up relationship concerns- he might be ready to call this relationship quits.
If you can’t handle waiting on him for two years, tell him that! And if you feel like you can’t honestly discuss this sort of thing with him, then maybe you guys aren’t right for each other. You should never be afraid to discuss your relationship.
One thing I get from you is that you seem to have some self esteem issues, maybe? I had a period early in my relationship where I felt like I was the one investing everything in our relationship, but after some counseling, I realized that I wasn’t being loving- I was being clingy. That clingy-ness can come off as being manipulative. (Why don’t you love me as much as I love you? )
It put a lot of stain on my boyfriend, because no matter what he did, I didn’t feel like it was ever enough. I felt like his love wasn’t as deep as mine, when reality, his love just wasn’t as desperate as mine. I took some time to work on my self-worth issues, and it really improved our partnership.
Not saying that this is exactly your situation, but just some food for thought. Just remember, open and honest communication is effective communication!
CatsMeow January 8, 2012, 6:40 pm
You’re right. I do have self-esteem issues. I feel like I can’t be good enough for him, or I don’t have enough to offer him. My last relationship before this one ended 3 years ago… and it was abusive. My defenses are definitely up. Thank you for your insight.
L January 8, 2012, 9:25 pm
This is so creepy, because I just had a fight last night with my boyfriend last night over a very similar issue: plans for next year/potentially living together/our future. We both want to get our first full time jobs but I’m so flippin’ sick of a LDR (2.5 years = too loooonng for a LDR). He’s in the same boat as me but he told me that next year if he is offered a job halfway across the country he’ll take it, even if I accept a job in or near my home state, like I want to do. He said the reason behind that is that he knows I’ll always be there, but the job won’t. Now, I see his point…kind of…but I basically blew up at him. I was a ticking time bomb; I set myself up for failure in that conversation. I wanted a nice, rational conversation with him about our options. And I became crazy stubborn, like I told myself I wouldn’t be during the conversation…stupid, stupid me.
The thing is, I know that he still loves me deeply. There are times when I’m thinking the same as you, CatsMeow and I think to myself that I’m more invested in the relationship than he is. I guess where I’m going with this is that guys just seem to express their love differently. Maybe your guy had good reason for not wanting to move in with you, as in maybe he just didn’t want to rush things because he cares about you. Maybe he just freaked a bit about the commitment. Guys are just wired differently than us and sometimes it’s hard to understand how they tick.
Good luck! I hope things go well for you!!
CatsMeow January 9, 2012, 11:09 am
We’ve talked, and he’s DEFINITELY afraid of commitment. I’m starting to see that talking to him about “the future” (vague) or “someday” (vaguer) is easy, but when it gets REAL he backs off. I know that at this point in our relationship, I shouldn’t try to push it… but the way he talked, I had thought that we were on the same page. He said if he wants to move (out of state), he would ask me to come with him. He said if he gets deployed, he wants us to stay together. And now he’s getting angry because I say I want to feel like we’re moving toward something, and getting defensive when I ask him questions in an effort to figure him out.
For now I’m going to back off and “go with the flow”, but I don’t know how long I should wait before I reassess. 6 months? A year?
JK January 9, 2012, 11:28 am
Wow, this is tough. You´re 30? How old is your BF?
Are you convinced this is the guy/relationship for you? Or could it be that you´re trying to convince yourself of that?
Sometimes guys can surprise you, when I was dating my husband he never wanted to talk about the future, after we´d been dating a year and a couple of months his roommate was moving out, he still wasn´t saying anything to me, then one day (his mother had been in surgery), he asked me to please move in with him. I don´t know how much longer I would have waited for him if that hadn´t happened, and I was 24 (he was 27).
Last, your timeline reminds me a lot of Friends, when Rachel turns 30 while dating Tag, and she counts backward from all the things she expects in a relationship, and realizes she has to break up with him. I hope you can make the right decision tor you, however tough that might be.
I thnk only you can decide how long you are prepared to wait for your BF.
CatsMeow January 9, 2012, 7:36 pm
He’s 27. Slightly younger, but it’s not like we’re 22 or anything.
plasticepoxy January 9, 2012, 12:05 pm
I think that you can tell yourself you can reassess at any time. At least for me, that “permission” is freeing.
I too was in an abusive relationship and part of what I dealt with afterward was feeling like I couldn’t make choices based on what was best for me and what I wanted, without taking anyone else into consideration. I was so used to having to “check in” before making a commitment to a decision, because I didn’t want to make the “wrong” choice and set off the abuse cycle. I still have to work very hard to not dither about decisions and to make sure I’m not making my choice because I don’t want to upset someone else (which usually leaves me feeling upset and like I’m sacrificing for the other person). To some extent that kind of consideration is essential, but I think you and I (from your statement “I put our relationship first ALWAYS and I never make a decision without thinking about how it will affect him/us”) go over the top.
Maybe you set yourself a mental checkpoint to run over key points in your relationship (with yourself, not with him) in three months. Then you can ask yourself if he’s still talking in general terms or if the plans that include you are more specific. Reset a checkpoint after that. If you’re like me, having a plan like this will allow you to relax in your day to day life and actually go with the flow instead of pretending to do so.
I would just make sure that’s what you want to do, not what you’re doing because you don’t think you deserve a commitment. I agree the two of you haven’t been together all that long, but I do think that you’ve been together long enough to make solid commitments to each other, and having a conversation with each other before changing those commitments. I think it’s totally fair to let him know what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do, in response to his decision.
Lindsey January 7, 2012, 10:29 pm
2011 was one of the worst years of my life so I was expecting 2012 to be the same. But somehow, I’m getting my act together. I’m trying to stay positive and not think about it all going to hell.
I’ve found some great online tools to help me get organized and focused and I am looking around at my clean and decluttered apartment with a feeling of calm. My whole life is chaos and disorganization so this one little thing is putting a smile on my face.
jspenk January 8, 2012, 12:32 am
Frankly, if the events of the past couple months have any say in this year, I am in for one hell of a wild ride.
On the one hand; I let myself get hurt by somebody that I shouldn’t have fallen in love with, I knew from the very beginning that he may like me but his commitment issues would never let him love me.(we’ve known each other for years…)
There are still six months left on my lease with my younger brother who never pays rent and eats all my food and refuses to clean up and has company over every night.
I swear my boss likes to mess with my head when it comes to scheduling, why bother asking me to fill out my ideal schedule if you’re going to just give me a completely different one that is really hard to work around school?
And it’s all stuff that is basically my own damn naive fault.
The good news?
I’ll be getting therapy asap.
SouthernGirlNow January 8, 2012, 11:09 am
2012 is the year I put myself first, so it’s going to be the best yet!
callmehobo January 8, 2012, 12:39 pm
I’m graduating college in 2012!!!
mcminnem January 9, 2012, 1:58 pm
Me too! Internet high five!
Addie Pray January 9, 2012, 2:10 pm
I remember when I was really little doing the math and realizing when I graduate from college it will be 2001. “2001” seemed so far away that I wasn’t sure we’d still be using the same numbering to keep track of the years. …. Now? Well shit where did the time go?!
LadyinPurpleNotRed January 9, 2012, 2:17 pm
I’m walking in my graduation in 2012…can I still join the I’m graduating party?
AliceInDairyLand January 8, 2012, 12:45 pm
2012 should be a busy, but amazing year. I am super excited for a break from veterinary school… although I know I am in the right place, it has been a tough transition for me. Grades don’t matter, rank does not matter, but being with the same 80 people freaking out over the same exams day after day after day really takes a toll on me (along with spending 9-15 hours a week with a cadaver dog). Next semester I have more classes, but they are worth less which I think I will enjoy more because I have a short attention span and do better with lots of different subjects. Plus I am dissecting a cow. SWEET.
I am excited to once again see my boyfriend’s organic vegetable farm/CSA grow again and being a part of it in whatever ways I can. My one year anniversary present was the chance to raise whatever livestock I want on the farm (as long as I can break even). So I think this spring/summer we will have some baby meat goats frolicking around and hopefully buy some does to breed in the fall. We will also be having pigs again this year, so life will be very busy.
I am also a bit overly-excited for a new transition in my life. Although my boyfriend asked me to move in with him on the farm, I decided for once to do the less economically intelligent (but hopefully more rewarding!) option of moving into an apartment by myself. I have never lived by myself but it was always one of those things that I have wanted to do, especially in a particular neighborhood in Madison that I just absolutely adore. I have been looking at 1 bedrooms and efficiencies for me and my 2 cats and I am looking forward to the adventure. Although having roommates is great in some ways, I am more of a solitary person and can’t wait to have a place that is all MINE! 🙂
L January 8, 2012, 9:03 pm
One of my best friends is in vet school right now. She is one of the smartest people I know, but said that she was grateful to just PASS the past semester because it was so challenging. I don’t think I could handle the rigor involved in vet school, so kudos to you!! 🙂
I think you’ll also enjoy your own apartment! I am the same way in the fact that I like my own space. I like peace and quiet and I like to do things my own way. I am also in a year of transition right now…I’m hoping to have my own apartment in 6-9 months, but there might be a possibility of moving into a new apartment with my boyfriend. Admittedly, that freaks me out a little bit even though it would also be very very exciting. We’re in a LDR right now, so being able to see him more than once every month would definitely be nice!
AliceInDairyLand January 8, 2012, 11:38 pm
Ahhh thank you, that means a lot to hear that non-veterinary people acknowledge that it is a lot of hard work. If I hear one more person ask me if it is a two year program, or be surprised that I had to complete undergraduate coursework first I may punch them. 🙂 It’s an amazing experience and I am so glad to have learned so many things, but it is tough too!
Moving in with the boyfriend would be super exciting (and a bit scary, I would say) so I wish you all the best. I feel like it would add a whole new dynamic to the relationship, and we are both people who like doing our own thing (reading, cross stitching, homework, etc) but still being near each other. That would be a big seller for moving in together, to just BE together. Also double kudos on the LDR thing. My boyfriend and I only live about a half an hour away and sometimes I get cranky/annoyed with it so I can’t even fathom it.
Mostly I just can’t wait to attempt all the DIY decorating stuff that I have pinned on Pinterest… Mason jar crafts in every nook and cranny of the new apartment.
AnotherWendy January 8, 2012, 8:11 pm
Anticipating some changes in 2012. Time to end an unfulfilling relationship with someone I care about so much but we are just wrong for a romantic relationship. It’s been over 7 years so it will be hard, but I’m determined to make the needed break up happen. I started a new job last summer and I really don’t like it. I will give it til this summer and then decide what I should do. Pay is great but terrible work-life balance! So, I know I need to end the relationship and I know I need to find a better job fit. Now I just have to make sure I follow through and don’t decide it’s easier to put up with it for awhile longer. Stressing out just thinking about it, glass of wine please!
fallonthecity January 8, 2012, 8:46 pm
So far, so good. I’m a little worried that 2012 will be a let down after two “big” years full of major academic accomplishments and trips abroad (Prague and Cape Town). This year I won’t be traveling much – maybe a trip to the Gulf and up to Baltimore to visit my best friend. Mostly I’ll be settling in to my first “real” engineering job, praying my contract doesn’t get axed, and saving money to eventually buy a house/buy an awesome car/visit the Netherlands. In about 2 months, I will be finally moving out of my parents’ house for the first time since I finished undergrad – and into my very own apartment. Maybe things will even slow down enough that I’ll feel like dating again – it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve had time to breathe, much less go on dates, so it might be nice to get back on that wagon. We’ll see.