Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Weekend Open Thread and Links

This was one of the few weeks since Labor Day that my kids were in school five days in a row, and I have taken advantage of that by getting all my appointments in: therapy, dermatologist, dentist, haircut. I even got my first pedicure since August. If you follow my stories on the ‘gram then you may have seen my experience going to the dermatologist, which I’m still so pissed about. I went in to have some eczema on my hand looked at and to get a skin cancer screening since it’d been a year since my last one. My usual doctor was booked, so I made an appointment with a new guy, who turned out to look like a Bachelor contestant (young, buff, conventionally good-looking – you know the type). It was bad enough he examined my half-naked 43-year-old body with a flashlight and a magnifying glass, but when he got to my head, he abruptly stopped and said, “Are you aware of any hair loss?” I told him yes, I have alopecia. I’ve shed so much hair over the past few years that I’ve had to replace not one but two Roombas because my lost hair keeps getting tangled in the brushes and breaking them beyond repair. So, yeah, I’m fucking aware of some hair loss on my head. And then, instead of just treating me for what I was there for, Dr. Bachelor spent the rest of the appointment going on and on about all the treatments I should consider. To be clear: All the treatments for the rare kind of alopecia I have are super sketchy and expensive, and they offer completely inconclusive results. I am not interested in trying them and I said as much, and you know what Dr. Bachelor said to me? He said: “Well, you can mask it now, but that may change before you know it.” The good news is I don’t have skin cancer.

Anyway, I hope you all have great weekends, and here are some links below you might find interesting.

I really liked this essay about women who walk, a category I happily embrace (the pic above is from a walk I took this week):

I love shots of women walking through cities in films. I like that they are each alone and alive and, usually, wearing a nice coat. I like that even though they are a part of a bigger story, something grand or trivial, for those seconds they are removed of their storyline, the knots and tangles, and they are simply people, immersing themselves in the city, disappearing for a moment and allowing the noise of the world to eclipse the noise of their lives.

— An Ode to Women Who Walk, From Virginia Woolf to Greta Gerwig

A reader sent a link to this recent Ask A Manager, “How to discuss moving for a job with your partner, when your partner might not want to move,” saying: “In the comments, many people guessed that the LW was a woman as men might not worry about having these sorts of conversations. It is more common for women to make sacrifices for their husbands’ careers than the opposite.”

This is bonkers: Utah Woman Charged With Lewdness After Being Topless In Her Own Home

Average relationship only lasts 17 months – and flirting on social media is to blame

Married people have happier, healthier relationships than unmarried couples who live together, data show

The text response template offered in this article — “Therapy Speak” Has Invaded All Our Relationships — seemed really strange to me and definitely not how I’d advise wording a reply to a friend seeking support that you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to immediately provide.

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram.

26 comments… add one
  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster November 22, 2019, 12:02 pm

    If a friend offered me that cold response when I was reaching out during a tough time my takeaway would be that this isn’t someone I can be vulnerable with and I’d distance myself. I’d only USE a response like that if the person reaching out was a habitual boundary bulldozer, and even then, I’d be more direct and personalize it. I think that article could be summed up with: don’t follow the bad advice from this one tweet.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark November 22, 2019, 1:30 pm

    Lucky me! I have madonna tickets for Saturday!! Woo hoo!!

    For the second time this week!!

    I was in a wild mood the other day — so i said — Fuck it! — and randomly scalped a bleeder seat way last minute and went alone on Wednesday evening.

    Talk about an epic show!

    Seeing Madonna in a tiny 2000 seat theater was amazing. (Usually is a 20 or 30 thousand stadium!) So yeah — fucking amazing!! Almost as amazing as she simply is!!

    🙂

    Reply Link
  • TheLadyE

    TheLadyE November 22, 2019, 1:48 pm

    It’s my birthday weekend! My boyfriend is spending the weekend with me and the pups. We’re visiting my best friends from college tonight and they get to meet the girls for the first time. Tomorrow night, my actual birthday, we have a reservation for a nice restaurant downtown that we were supposed to go to on my boyfriend’s birthday in July but that’s the night my little girl dog passed away. So we’re going now.

    This year has been a roller coaster. I finally found a wonderful man who loves me and with whom I’m so happy and feel so supported, encouraged, and cherished. And then my little girl dog who was by my side for 11 years passed away suddenly. It was truly the worst experience of my life and I still cry for her pretty much daily. She left such a huge hole in my life and my heart. If that weren’t enough, 2.5 months later I lost my job after my workplace turned toxic. Ugh.

    Now I have these two little girls, my relationship is great, and I’m waiting on another job offer. The latter is moving slower than I want it to, but I’m enjoying time at home with the pups. I just really need something solid by the new year, like January 1, so I can provide for them!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Kate November 22, 2019, 1:59 pm

      Somewhat related, we got pet insurance this time. It’s like $33 a month, and there’s a $500 deductible for any illness or accident, but after that there’s no cap on their payout to cover the accident or illness. My last dog had immune-mediated arthritis, then vestibular issues and diabetes late in life. Plus he jumped off a bridge once and went to the emergency vet (on a group hike, not with me). His last emergency vet visit, right before he passed, was $2k.

      If my new guy lives to be 13, we’ll pay around $5k total for this policy, but spread out. If I could tally up everything we spent on running tests and treating my last dog’s illnesses, it was way way more than that.

      It’s through Trupanion.

      Reply Link
      • TheLadyE

        TheLadyE November 22, 2019, 2:38 pm

        That’s good info – thank you! I definitely spent a ton more than that over the course of my little girl’s life, specifically mostly on dental surgeries. I need to compare coverage of plans and put that into my budget when I get a new job.

        And thanks – I have several things moving right now but it just takes time. A friend of mine reached out to me in late September and I went to the office last week to talk to her for two hours, and she just has to get her HR to get the job posted and then it’ll be quick from there, hopefully. I can get through the holidays but really would like to and need to have something by/in January.

        Link
    • avatar

      Kate November 22, 2019, 2:04 pm

      Also, typically takes 3-6 months to find a new job, don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

      Reply Link
    • Copa

      Copa November 22, 2019, 2:27 pm

      Happy birthday, @TheLadyE!

      About three years ago, I had started job hunting in October and found that November and December were painfully slow. I know it’s not unheard of to start a job in November or December, but with so many people gearing up to be OOO during the holidays, it didn’t surprise me when companies started telling me me I wouldn’t hear anything about next steps until the new year when key decision-makers were back in the office.

      If I were unemployed right now and finances were a concern, I think I’d try to find seasonal holiday work!

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Kate November 22, 2019, 2:38 pm

        Definitely file for UE if your severance is ending. It’ll be 700 or 800 a week. You can work PT and still collect.

        Link
      • TheLadyE

        TheLadyE November 22, 2019, 2:47 pm

        Yeah, my severance lasts through December so the holidays will be ok, and I have several things moving right now, but I’d really like to have an offer before the end of the year even if I don’t start til January. The headhunter I’m working with says that between September-November/early December is the busiest time for hiring, followed by a lull for the holidays and then picks back up early-January-March when companies are working with their new budgets.

        Ironically just as I was typing that, my friend emailed me back about next steps in my interview. Yay!

        Link
      • avatar

        Kate November 22, 2019, 2:51 pm

        Sounds promising, but I’d still open a claim in the next few weeks so you are covered for January. In case this gets pushed out and your start date is later than you expect.

        Link
  • TheLadyE

    TheLadyE November 22, 2019, 2:49 pm

    Also, Wendy, I meant to say this on Instagram but that experience with the dermatologist was ridiculous and I’m sorry that happened. Ugh.

    Reply Link
    • Copa

      Copa November 22, 2019, 3:01 pm

      Yeah! I feel like dermatologists and dentists are always trying to sell unnecessary cosmetic procedures and do so in a way that makes you feel not great about yourself. For whatever it’s worth, even though I’m sure having alopecia is difficult, I think your hair always looks nice.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Helen November 23, 2019, 6:45 am

        I appreciate you sharing about your alopecia. I had severe postpartum alopecia after my daughter was born 2 years ago. Because I have PCOS it looks like it won’t grow back. I’ve never felt so unfeminine. My husband swears you can’t tell unless you’re looking for it. Not sure how much I believe him. When I go to the dermatologist they try to sell me the same bullshit hair regrowing product that my hairstylist tries to peddle. If rubbing caffeine on your scalp actually regrew hair, it would be common knowledge. So frustrating

        Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy November 23, 2019, 8:57 am

        I’m sorry you’re going through this, too. It’s hard, but don’t lose hope. I’ve had the diagnosis almost three years now (and the symptoms for a year before that; they started during the postpartum period after I had my daughter), and even though I was assured there would be no hair regrowth, there has been a little. I still have flare-ups — I’m having one right now — but they are fewer and further between so I don’t experience as much hair loss as I did in the early days. For now, some diet and lifestyle tweaks and a few holistic options Ive embraced seem to be working in slowing, if not stopping, the progression.

        Link
      • avatar

        GemmaB November 25, 2019, 2:46 pm

        Helen,
        I’m sorry you feel like your hair stylist is trying to sell you bullshit for your hair loss. As a hair stylist of 27 years, I guarantee you, he or she, isn’t trying to put on over on you. Clients’ hair loss is the thing that makes us feel the most helpless because most times it is a medical issue beyond our control. On the other hand, we are usually the first people that clients come to with hair loss, even though a dermatologist should be your first go to. So of course we recommend every and anything we can think of to help you because we genuinely care about you, your feelings and your hair. I truly hope you find relief for your symptoms.

        Link
    • avatar

      Kate November 23, 2019, 7:10 am

      Yeah, try not to take it personally (although welcome to your 40s when these moments become more frequent). Skin-care and tooth-care people definitely want to sell cosmetic procedures by making you feel insecure. It’s how they feed their kids. I feel like hair people don’t do that, thank god. I’ve had the same stylist for 18 years, and she manages to do what my hair needs without making me feel bad. Like cut it all one length to look thicker, use extra volume-boosting products, and actually calm me down if I’m fixated on something.

      You may be able, through referrals, to find medical and dental professionals who will just stick to the shit you want and not try to fear-sell you procedures.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        dinoceros November 23, 2019, 6:16 pm

        I think dermatologists can make a lot of money on just health care, though. At least in my area, dermatologists are booked out so far that you can barely get in to see them. I definitely agree that people who solely work in cosmetic offices need to sell this products/treatments to feed their kids, but I doubt my dermatologist is struggling to do so.

        Link
  • avatar

    Clover November 22, 2019, 3:36 pm

    Ugh, that dermatologist sounds like a malignant mole of a human being.

    I get eczema on my hands and my partner, who is a doctor, treats it by slathering the affected area with triamcinolone acetonide cream (prescription, but fairly cheap even without insurance); covering the slathered area with Saran Wrap; and then wrapping an Ace bandage over the whole thing. Sometimes I sleep with it on and sometimes I wear it during the day. It brings my worst flares mostly under control.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy November 22, 2019, 3:46 pm

      The last couple nights I’ve been sleeping with vaseline slathered on my hand and a surgical glove over it. It’s working!

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Kate November 23, 2019, 7:13 am

        Vaseline is an underrated miracle product. Aquaphor too. These are the only things that actually keep your lips soft, cuticles, they fix dry patches, soothe cuts, burns, protect tattoos, you can put Vaseline on your eyelashes to condition them, you could use it as highlighter… I guess if I could only have ONE product, it’d be Vaseline.

        Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy November 23, 2019, 8:52 am

        I tried aquaphor and eucerin on my eczema and neither worked, but I use vaseline on the kids a lot and decided to give it a try on my hand before shelling out however much the prescriptions stuff might cost. I’ve done three nights now and the eczema I had for five months is almost cleared up! #thisisnotasponsoredcomment

        Link
      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 23, 2019, 9:05 pm

        You’ve probably tried this but I’ll mention it in case you haven’t. Both of my kids get eczema. If we skip fabric softener, dryer sheets and scented/dye containing soaps/detergents they don’t get it at all. So far shampoo and conditioner have never bothered but dryer sheets and soaps are very irritating. We use hypoallergenic laundry detergent, soap and dish detergent. We use no fabric softeners or dryer sheets.

        Link
  • avatar

    ktfran November 23, 2019, 8:59 pm

    I actually haven’t been to a dermatologist I’ve liked. The couple different ones I’ve been to were super judgemental. I remember one who basically yelled at me because my big nose was red when I came in. Sorry, I was walking fast and I got warm. My nose gets red when I’m warm and cold and just about at all times. I wear sunscreen. I’m basically Rudolph. Makep doesn’t help. I was there for a mole check.

    The other, I can’t remember why I went. Was so unfriendly and rude. And this was a practice associated with Northwestern. Just ugh.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Ridgebacklover November 25, 2019, 1:10 pm

    Hey Wendy – I’m so sorry. I’ve had a recent problem with hair loss, and I know how awful it is. If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend homeopathy. I know a lot of people think it’s crap (and I understand why), but I am living proof that it does work. I’ve had incredible results with it (and so has my cat incidentally). People have a lot of opinions on it but I wanted to at least mention it to you. It will change your life in ways you cannot imagine. You just have to make sure you talk to a homeopath who knows what they are doing because a bad one either won’t be able to help you or will cause you more problems. I can recommend mine if you’re interested – she’s amazing. It is way less expensive than countless tests and doctor’s appointments. I know it’s weird but give it some thought. Worst case – it does nothing right!?

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy November 25, 2019, 2:05 pm

      Hi, thanks. I’ve did acupuncture for over a year and that helped and then I switched to reflexology which I think works better for me for a variety of reasons. The progression of the hairless has almost stopped and there’s even some regrowth where I was promised by medical professional there was no chance of regrowth. I’m a fan of alternative treatments!

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Ridgebacklover November 25, 2019, 2:28 pm

        That’s wonderful! Yeah – totally agree. There is so much conventional doctors don’t understand/don’t know (it’s too bad they aren’t aware of that!).

        Link

Leave a Comment