Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Weekly Forum Highlights

Here’s what we’re discussing this week in the forums:

I’m being ghosted by my husband

Do People Agree With My Parents’ Advice, Given To Me Pre Marriage?

I cheated on my boyfriend of 10 years

Should I stay with my boyfriend?

About to make a big decision…

Dating at 50+ experience, or is this just dating in general?

My boyfriend wants me to pay rent when I move in

Boyfriend cancelled move-in

Work Is Toxic

“My FWB Is Involved with Another Woman. Should I Tell Her He’s Cheating on Her?”

Kid’s Birthday Party Etiquette

3 comments… add one
  • Flymodrag December 2, 2021, 7:32 am

    Can I get some advice on a topic that I have posted elsewhere but not heard anything back from.

    It’s seemingly a topic that gets reported and taken down… I have tried on mumsnet, and on a marriage site and I just need unbiased opinions…

    Basically it’s about the relationship between my other half and my best friends daughter. nothing untoward happening… so please don’t think that.

    I just need a response, so before I post the story I want to make sure it’s OK that I do.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy December 2, 2021, 8:03 am

      You can always email me at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Or you can post in the forums and if it’s inappropriate we’ll take it down, but if not, it will stay up.

      Reply Link
      • Flymodrag December 2, 2021, 2:20 pm

        Oh thankyou! OK here goes…

        Hi, I have been with my SO for 12 years, we love each other, we have been through a lot together, and we trust each other fully.
        We decided to have children 5 years ago, so I had my contraception removed, at 30 years old, we felt we could support a child and start our family, planned, the right way. Alas it was not meant to be, 5 years on and we have not been able to conceive. We have discussed adoption and are starting off the difficult process… be it slow, as our efforts have somewhat shifted towards more financial gain, and renovation of a house we bought, which took us a long time to save for.
        The sex has always been lacking, on his side… I always instigate and even then its just to go through the motions… he is borderline A-sexual, upon investigation, we have discovered he has a small sack of fluid in his brain, pushing against his pituitary gland, which affects his ability to create testosterone, and increases a hormone called prolactin, which is what is used for creating breast tissue and milk in women. I do not hold it against him, having sex is not something that we need to continue our relationship, although it would be nice for me if we could do it more often, I love him enough without it all the time, we maybe have it once or twice a month these days… not to mention the lack of conceiving made us prone to thinking, what’s the point, I guess… he doesn’t get anything out of it really… due to this sac of fluid, he has no lust.
        I have come to the conclusion and accepted that we will not have children naturally, not fully down to him mind, we are both overweight, I currently have an ovarian cyst and my periods are all over the place, we are investigating further, I am 35 and he is 39 so… I don’t know… anyway, that is not the reason I am here, but to maybe understand the pain I feel this insight is needed.

        My friend of 17 years, my best friend Lets call her Nat, Has 2 children of different fathers, and is a single mum, she lives off benefits and is living in a 2 bedroom flat. She got pregnant with her second roughly 4 years ago, she was scared to tell me as the guy she was with they had been together for a year, and she felt bad about me, anyway, I was upset but pleased for her and her other half, he got on well with my SO but sadly he ran off to his home country and left Nat with the baby. Naturally we helped where possible, My SO loves kids, he dotes over them, and couldn’t wait to see the baby, I on the other hand, am the opposite, I am awkward around babies, and don’t really take any nonsense from children, maybe a bit harsh, but for example my sister has 5 kids and they all love me, see me as the fun Auntie, and as they aren’t little children anymore, don’t see my SO as the cuddly fun teddy bear that he loves being, and is very good at.
        3 years on and last night I had an argument with my SO, the same argument, we have had a few times… Nat’s daughter, lets call her ND is 3 years old, and Nat is going somewhere so see someone and the SO sees a chance to babysit. I am not bonded with ND, I don’t feel the need to see her all the time or babysit, she is not my daughter, she is my best friends daughter, a symbol of something we cannot have, not something I hold against ND or Nat, but rather, a reminder, and a sting. My SO loves her, and sees himself as a father figure. (He is the only man in her life) When babysitting, ND will not sleep unless someone is laying in Nat’s bed with her. She does not have her own bed, any time Nat has tried she has succumbed to ND’s screaming, (Nat is very lazy and gives in easy to the want of her children) and so, if my SO is babysitting at times it is pointless him attempting to sleep anywhere else in the flat, not that there is anywhere else. I do not want to support this behaviour and so I will not do it instead or anything. ND loves the SO, asking for him when he isn’t there, when he turns up she runs to him, wont leave his side… (Unless she is tired and wants mummy) she loves the attention he gives her and he is almost the perfect Father except, he isn’t her father, he is my SO, I mean, if he was her father, I could understand more why he would want to see her more, and be around her more. I feel it isn’t right, I feel as though he doesn’t care about us having kids of our own, his need for children is fulfilled through ND. Mine is not, and I worry about adopting, where will his focus be, if ND is around I do not really exist. My feelings may not reflect what his are, or what would be, I cant really explain the feeling, it isn’t jealousy, I am not jealous of ND, after all, she is 3 – I am more upset with my SO, but I cant change how he feels… He states that he likes some time away from the house we are renovating, to take his mind off… and there are times I go out round to my sisters or to the pub, gym, etc… I am a social person, he is not. He always uses this as an excuse to babysit, he tries to get me and Nat to spend more time together, although over the years Myself and Nat have grown apart a bit and want to enjoy the occasional time together as girlfriends, along with my sister, and not have it pushed on us.

        I got so fed up with it at one point I denied him even seeing ND for some time, Nat agreed to it (Nat will usually go along with what I say) that stopped him bringing it up all the time, so we eased back into it and now we are back to where we were – anytime he brings it up I start bawling, and I cannot help but get upset.

        For now I have asked Nat to work with ND and for the SO to babysit she has to have her own bed. she is 3 years old and is very capable, I said that we could babysit ND and take her out and have a nice weekend while Nat is away. (this is in 2 weeks) To which he replied, that he does like some time alone, just as I like time without him in the house (we both work from home and are on top of each other constantly) ‘alone but not in the house’ and babysitting ND, is kind of like being alone in a sense, which again, I get. Nat and ND live 30 miles away from us.

        I just need an outside perspective, and just to be clear, My SO is not doing anything wrong. I just cannot help but feel bad about it.
        Please ask any questions you like, I cannot seem to find much about this online, I would love the male perspective on this, my family and friends can be biased, and a bit old fashioned, they all agree that it is strange, but I feel for my SO, I know he has a bond with ND and I don’t want to harm that, I wish I could be more okay with it.


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