I was having problems coping with the distance and rekindled a friendship with a former lover and we exchanged raunchy messages. This continued, on and off, for the first eight months of my relationship with my girlfriend. Now, she and I are having a baby in two months. She went through my phone one night while I was asleep and found the messages. As we live together, it’s hard to give each other space that we need to decide what to do. I have apologized profusely for being such a moron and acting without care and with complete disrespect and I’m trying to make a concerted effort to change in order to save our relationship.
She keeps flipping and flopping between wanting to make things work and wanting me gone. This puts me in an awkward place as I’m currently stuck in limbo and don’t know where to turn. I desperately need advice! — Young Dad to Be
Honestly, you don’t sound anywhere near mature enough for a serious, long-term relationship, let alone fatherhood. A handful of months ago you were having trouble coping with the distance in your LDR and now you’re going to be a dad? Ooh, boy. Take it from someone who has done both — having a baby is WAY harder than having a long distance relationship. If you couldn’t do an LDR well, you’re almost definitely going to have a difficult time caring for a baby.
But, you know what will make things easier? If you don’t have relationship drama on top of being a young, inexperienced, immature new parent. So, I say end the relationship and focus instead on being good co-parents. Maybe that means living together for the time-being or maybe it means getting your own place. You and your baby mama need to sit down and discuss that detail. And while you’re at it, discuss how you plan to afford this child. Who is paying for what? Are you getting any help from anyone? Discuss your financial plan as well as your long-term childcare plan. Are you both working? Do either of you get family leave? Who will watch the child when you both are away from him or her?
Basically, at this point, forget the idea of having a relationship with your baby mama. It’s too late for all that and with parenthood two months away, you’ve got bigger fish to fry than saving a relationship that has no foundation, has zero stability, and has been messed up since day one. Move on. Focus on getting your shit together enough to give this kid you’re about to have in your life a fighting chance. And if you don’t think that’s possible, consider giving it a home that offers the stability you aren’t able to at this time.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].