This weird and ultimately very anti-climactic season of The Bachelor ended last night and — SPOILER ALERT!! DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU DON’T WANT THE FINALE SPOILED FOR YOU — the winner was…
all the women Juan Pablo didn’t choose (or the ones who left the show before he had a chance to choose or reject them; I love me some Sharleen!!).
The season started innocuously enough. We didn’t know much about Juan Pablo — he was sent packing relatively early on the previous season of The Bachelorette — but what we did know seemed fine as far as a Bachelor goes. He’s Latino and hot. He looked very good with his shirt off. He was a former professional soccer player with pretty nice legs. He had a young daughter and seemed on good terms with the daughter’s mother. His English was only so-so. But, it didn’t take long before innocuous Juan Pablo started raising eyebrows. There was the whole “gays are perverts” thing which should have been enough for most of us to stop watching and yet we continued. “It’s hate-watching,” I justified to my (gay) best friend when he called me out for supporting a bigot.
And then there was the slut-shaming incident when Juan Pablo happily and eagerly followed contestant Clare, a needy blonde with dead-dad issues, into the ocean in the middle of the night in Vietnam for some hanky panky and then berated her the next morning for … I guess seducing him and forcing him into the water? Or something like that? It was weird. And Clare got all teary, which she mentioned to Juan Pablo’s mother in last night’s episode when she — JP’s own mother — warned Clare about what a rude asshole her son is (not those exact words, but the sentiments were the same). “He made me cry,” Clare said, pointing to herself and bobbing her head, as if the admission meant something — as if it somehow proved her love and loyalty — and not sheer desperation and amazingly low self-respect — that she allowed a guy to slut-shame her on national TV and still hoped for a ring and a promise of marriage at the end of it.
But last night Clare got to redeem herself — at least a little bit — when she admitted to herself what several girls before her had already seen: Juan Pablo is a douche. And that was not more apparent to her than when, in a rare moment when the cameras and audio were turned off, Juan Pablo whispered something in her ear for only her to hear, and it wasn’t the sweet sort of nothings you would expect a man you’re hoping for an imminent proposal from to say to you. It was something else — something she said she wouldn’t repeat on television. So… what was it? Rumor has it he said: “We don’t know each other well, but I love fucking you.” Romantic, right?
And yet! And yet! That still wasn’t enough for Clare to leave. Still, she stayed long enough to see if Juan Pablo would propose to her because isn’t it every girl’s dream to marry a man who doesn’t know her well but loves screwing her (along with possibly several other women he is also dating)? Swoon! So, she walked down the beachy trail in her heels and rhinestones toward the final rose and her destiny. And she told JP how much she loved him and she waited. With bated breath, she waited. And instead of getting down on one knee and slipping a fancy Neil Lane diamond on the finger of a woman he loves boning, Juan Pablo dumped Clare. He dumped her, and finally — finally! — Clare found a backbone, and, before she walked away, she said: “You’re not the man I’d want as the father of my children!” And women everywhere cheered. Or re-filled their wine glasses.
And then it was Nikki’s turn down the beachy trail where she also professed her love and waited. And a proposal did not come for her either! Instead, Juan Pablo said he really liked her (no word on whether he really likes boning her though) and he said he had a ring in his pocket but didn’t want to give it to her. Instead, he picked up the final rose and said, “Will you accept this rose?” And, with a deflated face, she sort of shrugged and said, “You knew I would” (subtext: “because I am desperate and pathetic and will do anything you ask).
And then it was After the Final Rose time! Chris Harrison was pissed! He all but punched Juan Pablo in the face. And Clare said “thanks, but no thanks” on the chance to see and speak with Juan Pablo again. And Sharleen and her eyebrows were there! And you just KNOW that, after the episode ended, she and JP were in the greenroom getting it on because even though Sharleen is smart and she left JP with her dignity intact and she even basically called him too dumb to marry, it was obvious the chemistry between them was sizzling hot and so why not make out with him in the greenroom, you know? It’s not like his fiancée would care.
And here’s the part where I defend the douchey Juan Pablo because, while he is a douche of epic proportions and I would be so incredibly disappointed if a daughter of mine ever brought home a guy like him, I don’t think his not proposing to someone at the finale is the reason he’s so unlikable. If anything, I think that’s one of the few respectful things he did during the season. I mean, is it so terrible that he didn’t propose to someone he’s only known for a couple months and isn’t in love with? Is it so awful that he didn’t profess love to someone he has never, ever dated without also dating — and boning — at least several other women? Is it so crazy that he wants privacy now to whisper his sweet nothings in Nikki’s ears, like how much he likes… well, use your imagination?
“I’m sorry you didn’t get the ending you wanted for the show,” Juan Pablo said to Chris Harrison right before Chris Harrison threw himself off a bridge.
Oh, Juan Pablo. You should have just kept your shirt off and your mouth closed. I mean, I’m just being honest.
bethany March 11, 2014, 12:31 pm
Thank God you wrote something about that fucking train wreck. This was the first time I’d ever watched an entire season of this show, so I don’t know what normally happens on the Bachelor, but Holy Hell. JP is a fucking idiot. So dumb. He was being such an indignant twat last night. My favorite part was when they went to commercial and Chris walked off set and the crowd started chanting Chris! Chris!
But seriously, about JP… Obviously he was right not to propose to either one, because he wasn’t ready to marry them, but he was still an asshole. I found him so unlikable, and have to question what these girld ever liked about him other than his shirtlessness. Claire was trying to have an actual conversation with him and all he could do was ask where his kiss was? WHAT? Besito? Besito? Shut the fuck up already! Uugh. I am so glad this is over.
lets_be_honest March 11, 2014, 12:45 pm
I have never watched the show, but was flipping and caught a bit last night and WOW.
Cassie March 12, 2014, 6:23 pm
Bethany, listen to me. Don’t get mad. Eees okay.
Addie Pray March 11, 2014, 12:44 pm
Your reviews of The Bachelor make me want to tune in to the show next year so I can mock along with you guys! Trainwrecks are always fun to watch.
Morgan March 11, 2014, 12:49 pm
But what did he just find out about 2 weeks ago that made them “change plans?” Seriously though, I felt so bad for Nikki sitting there on that couch last night. She looked miserable. I really think she thought the surprise Chris kept going on about was going to be Juan Pable proposing to her. When Chris was all “so about that surprise…” and Juan Pablo looked even more confused than usual, her body language totally deflated. That or she, like everyone else, hates him. She hugged Sharleen way more enthusiastically at the end than she did him at any point last night.
So excited for Andi though.
lets_be_honest March 11, 2014, 12:52 pm
What was the surprise?
Morgan March 11, 2014, 1:17 pm
There wasn’t one. He’d told the producers there’d be some big surprise, and Chris hyped it all night, and then he mentioned it and Juan Pablo got super confused and said “what? No. No surprise.” I don’t know if he had been intending to propose and something changed or what.
lets_be_honest March 11, 2014, 1:20 pm
Oooh juicy! haha
sararosie43 March 12, 2014, 11:17 am
The surprise was that the producers had asked JP to propose to Nikki live on the After show. They gave him a monetary offer to do so and he pretty much never told them he would or wouldnt. So they hyped the “surprise” and he chose not to because he is clearly frustrated with them.
bethany March 11, 2014, 1:51 pm
YES– I noticed he said that, too, but then just kind of moved on. WTF?
kiki March 11, 2014, 3:32 pm
I just read Reality Steve’s post about the finale and he said that the surprise was supposed to be JP proposing. But basically JP kind of made the producers think he might propose but didn’t have any intention of it. And he didn’t really confirm it, so the producers hyped it up just in case, and then JP didn’t do it. Reality Steve said that JP and the producers are fed up with each other, so JP was just kind of hosing them on that.
And then I guess the thing that made them change their plans 2 weeks ago was that JP was going to be on Dancing with the Stars, but got pulled off for being a dickwad, so instead of him being put up in housing in LA and Nikki maybe coming to stay with him, that now they will still be in their separate cities.
I don’t even watch this show but for some reason I like to go read the spoilers every now and then. Super lame.
Portia March 11, 2014, 1:08 pm
Oy, this show… I usually only watch the Bachelorette but decided to follow along for a few episodes, basically because I wanted to know why the hell Sharleen was there. But I couldn’t keep watching after maybe 3 episodes.
Concerning the women on this show, I have a question: are they usually that anti-bachelor at the women tell all/behind the final rose? It seemed like as soon as they were out of wooing range, they were all (or most) talking about how much of a douche he was. Well except Andi, who called him on it (I’m not counting Clare, it sounds like her going off on him had more to do with the rejection than any of the more horrible stuff he pulled on her).
Lolabeans March 11, 2014, 1:47 pm
I’m a Bachelor junkie this season. I even looked up spoilers months ago on Reality Steve. He knew everything right down to JP not proposing to either of them.
apparently the surprise was he was going to propose to her.. There was a monetary incentive for him to do so… But he obviously declined.
I think he just went on the show for fame. Never wanted a wife, just wanted to get some air time and screw a few women in the process.
GatorGirl March 11, 2014, 1:55 pm
I think at this stage in life (if I wasn’t already married) I would have slapped a dude who said that to me. He seems like a real douche canoe.
Jenny March 11, 2014, 2:11 pm
Regarding the surprise – I heard he was offered money to propose to Nikki on ATFR. Maybe the offer fell through and that’s what he meant when he referenced a private event that changed their plans two weeks ago? Nice of him to take a free Neil Lane ring and then not give it to her. He went to college in my hometown and I’ve heard some things about him being shady with money. He’s such a dipshit. As far as what he said to Clare, pretty sure she was bleeped saying he said “I love fucking you”. I really hope he is serious about wanting privacy and disappears forever.
Diablo March 11, 2014, 2:19 pm
My neighbours across the street are fighting in public regularly, complete with bad swears, throwing stuff and the wife running barefoot in the snow down the block to cry on a neighbour’s shoulder. Will she divorce him, or go back for another round of alcohol-fueled mayhem? Why would I watch reality television?
Cassie March 12, 2014, 6:27 pm
Because at least with reality tv, there’s a chance to be surprised at the outcome.
sobriquet March 11, 2014, 2:25 pm
The finale is usually so boring, but my jaw was dropped almost the entire episode. The smarmy look on his face when he broke up with Clare was just priceless. Nikki’s disappointed face right before she reluctantly accepted the rose. I kind of love that the Bachelor franchise was spinning last night. JP kept snapping at Chris for “interrupting” him. Gawd. The more awkward it got, the tighter JP hugged Nikki. She looked incredibly uncomfortable.
I don’t care that he didn’t propose (in fact, I think it’s good that he didn’t) and I think Chris Harrison made waaay too big of a deal out of it (and the “I love you” thing), but wasn’t Juan Pablo paid a lot of money for this gig? Did they vet him at ALL beforehand? What a trainwreck.
As for Andi becoming the next Bachelorette, I’m preparing myself to hear a lot of “ay-und”‘s in place of the word “and”. I’m sad it’s not Sharleen, but after the disaster that was Juan Pablo, they need to play it safe with Andi.
bethany March 11, 2014, 2:28 pm
I found it really ironic that he accused Chris of interrupting him, yet he consistently interrupted the girls all season long. JP was such a douche. He gives me a major case of the ick’s
lolabeans March 11, 2014, 2:39 pm
here is a link:
va-in-ny March 11, 2014, 2:47 pm
Okay, so I admit that I’m not usually a watcher of the Bachelor/ette series. However, I did turn on the TV last night right as Nikki was walking up the beach, so I watched for just a bit. I had heard of some of the drama surrounding JP from Facebook friends, so I wanted to see how it all ended, if for no other reason than that I’d understand the posts the next day.
I am really surprised that in none of the recaps I read today, anyone is mentioning when Nikki says “I just wanted to say that I love you” (I’m paraphrasing, obviously) he responded with “Thank you.”
Come on, that’s gotta sting!
AND did any one else catch what he was saying to her at the very end? After they kissed for a little while with no music in the background (come on, ABC!) did he really say “Don’t get cranky.. not now. Don’t get cranky.” ?????
I had to shut it off right after that.
Bittergaymark March 11, 2014, 4:34 pm
Eh, your gay friend is RIGHT to be pissed. Honestly? I don ‘t get why women watch such vapid pure abd utter shit. It certainly isn’t something intelligent people would normally do…
Diablo March 11, 2014, 4:43 pm
To feel superior to the participants. Why else would anyone watch 99.9% of reality TV? Do you really think a show promoting personal dignity, emotional intelligence and acts of altruistic virtue would sell? “Today on Maury, we hear from couples who have chosen their partners wisely and used birth control….” Screw that, i wanna know who the baby daddy is!
lets_be_honest March 11, 2014, 4:49 pm
I don’t watch fluffy tv to feel superior. I watch it to stop my brain from having to think and to have something to laugh at.
Diablo March 11, 2014, 4:51 pm
Be careful. if you don’t pay attention you could easily stub your brain on a show like this…
lets_be_honest March 11, 2014, 4:57 pm
You are too funny.
Diablo March 11, 2014, 6:21 pm
I stole that joke from Sarah Silverman, who speaks of stubbing her vagina in one of her standup bits. Credit where credit is due.
iwannatalktosampson March 11, 2014, 5:01 pm
ME TOO. I hate it when people criticize me for watching shitty reality TV. If I wanted to educate myself I’d think and write and read all day….. oh wait. That’s right. I wanna come home, get high, and watch Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. Come at me.
theattack March 11, 2014, 4:46 pm
The same reason we love trainwreck LWs on DW. It’s damn entertaining when your own life is pretty easy going.
Bittergaymark March 11, 2014, 5:32 pm
Eh, but its so FUCKING gross. You are all making a homophobic asshole who treats women like garbage rich. Find more productive ways to be entertained. Aim higher for once.
muse March 11, 2014, 5:39 pm
I think ABC threw him under the bus though. After those remarks came out, he was edited to be ‘the villain’ and kicked off from DWTS, so I think the fact that his remarks caused such an uproar and hate are actually good things. He isn’t going far with t he franchise, and that portrayal limits his chances of ‘fame’ gleaned through the shows reach..oh HAI Sean and Catherine. I think Duck Dynasty and its audience’s support off their views are far more dangerous to America than The Bachelor’s.
iwannatalktosampson March 11, 2014, 5:42 pm
That’s because Duck Dynasty is hilarious. But all jokes aside, at least Duck Dynasty shows an entrepreneurial family and it has entertainment value. Did you not see the hot tub truck episode? The bachelor shows what? How dumb a bunch of women can look swooning over the same loser?
muse March 11, 2014, 5:55 pm
I haven’t seen it no, I was just referring to all the support they received from their viewers over their rights to be anti-gay. No one in ‘bachelor nation’ is supporting Juan Pablo’s ‘gays are pervert’ views, and the ladies (at least most of them) are over the spell. I think we’ve all dated a Juan Pablo in our lives and its kinda re-assuring to see that even smart women miss big clues and delude themselves.
iwannatalktosampson March 11, 2014, 6:10 pm
See I feel like the opposite. I feel like it’s really sad that these women can be under a microscope (being on a nationally televised show) and know that their actions are going to be dissected and still swoon over him. I’ve never actually watched the bachelor because it’s not my reality cup of tea, but according to this summary it seems like even the women he shot down at the end would have said yes right until the end. Sad sad.
AND the one guy on Duck Dynasty that made the statement did publicly apologize… which I think is why they got so much support. Like okay shit I shouldn’t have said that, A&E suspends shooting, and then resumes after all of the apologies. Do you think the bachelor or bachelorette show is going to suspend shooting? UHHHH I’m guessing no. Do you think JP is going to apologize? Do you think the women are going to apologize for being shitty role models and having no standards? I’m guessing no.
muse March 11, 2014, 6:23 pm
HA this feels really meta. We’re both attacking the other show based on media coverage despite never having seen it. I guess, I have nothing left to say other than enjoy DD, and I’ll enjoy The Bachelor–but maybe we both can agree that Michelle Bachmann is insane and the gays aren’t bullying anyone? no?
iwannatalktosampson March 11, 2014, 6:38 pm
Ummmm I’ll give you one of those two….so victory?
bittergaymark March 11, 2014, 6:26 pm
Bull fucking shit. His apology was about almost as sincere as I am happy. That so many Americans are so fucking obsessed with trash tv and it’s ever increasing hideous personalities truly marks a decline in America. Everybody is OBSESSED with worshiping only idiots. Intellect is dead. And garbage like Honey Boo Boo is all you people can be entertained by as you are too dumbed down to appreciate REAL humor. It’s just fucking sad. Bah! No wonder so many think GIRLS is deep. Compared to the rest of the shit everybody blogs about it is, I guess. TV is such a powerful medium and it is only used for the lamest of lame lately. America is just TRASH lately. Nothing else.
Diablo March 11, 2014, 6:43 pm
Dumbed down? Mark, I have a Master’s in American literature, so i bet we could work together to raise the tone here. Should we start up a heated discussion about controversial literary topics? Was Herman Melville just a tiresome pain in the ass? I also have strong opinions about Wallace Stevens’ superiority over William Carlos Williams that are sure to spark a firestorm of blog activity. (Both poets include many funny jokes in their poems, the subtext of which i’d be glad to explore with you.) That sounds like some high-minded fun, don’t it? Or maybe I should just refer you to Louis C.K.’s brilliant 3 point explanation of why farts are funny. What is humour about except human frailty?
Addie Pray March 11, 2014, 9:20 pm
I’m not saying I don’t love some train wreck TV because I do – some of it at least – and I do like Girls … but… I have to agree with the dumbed down comment. I see it.
bittergaymark March 11, 2014, 6:59 pm
Honestly? Nobody on here besides us probably even knows who ANY of those people are. And that’s just sad… Especially since EVERYBODY can pick Juan Pablo out of a line up. It’s sad people simply don’t want to be challenged anymore. It’s sad, that all most want to do is just veg out like idiots watching other idiots on TV. It’s certainly nothing to be happy about.
Diablo March 11, 2014, 7:20 pm
Whoa, boy! For the record, I’m actually portraying myself as a dork for name-dropping Wallace Stevens. Seriously? Lots of wise well-educated people on DW. Who cares how many would know Moby Dick? I don’t wanna know Moby Dick. I wish I could buy that piece of my mind back. Humour has always depended on the ability to MAKE LIGHT of all sorts of dark and tragic human foolishness. And while i actually don’t watch any reality shows, I eagerly consume all sorts of other vapid pop culture nonsense, from car chases to speed metal to dick jokes. And Sarah Silverman gives me more unabashed joy than all the buddhas on the giant whirling wheel of heaven. By the way, the biggest reason I am a dork right now? Trying to debate this with you. I must really BE dumb. Damn!
theattack March 11, 2014, 7:29 pm
Yes, Mark. You are clearly the only intelligent person on DW. You’re probably the only person here who has ever even read a book. Please tell me again why you decide to grace the rest of us idiots with your presence? I’m too dumb to figure it out.
Bittergaymark March 11, 2014, 8:21 pm
Don’t worry about it. Just keep on watching The Bachelor. Maybe next season he’ll be openly racist and you can all endlessly continue to feel bad about tuning in week after week — but God forbid anybody change the fucking channel.
mylaray March 12, 2014, 1:47 am
My thoughts on this…I used to watch reality shows and really binge on them (even The Bachelor). They really are a nice way to decompress and watch something mindless than can also be entertaining. But after awhile, I got sick of it and it felt a little too much like schadenfreude and I didn’t like having those feelings. I really don’t care if someone watches reality TV though. Everyone has their guilty pleasures.
On the other hand, it bothers me how much people have been able to sweep under the rug all his anti-gay statements (along with the other offensive comments). My straight friends think I’m overreacting but it doesn’t affect them in the same way. Not even close. I don’t think channels should censor though. Let ratings decide that. And that’s what saddens me. That there were enough ratings and people tuning in for the show to go on. That the entertainment value outweighed everything else.
katie March 12, 2014, 9:38 am
i just heard on the radio that bachelor fans are 14.5 times more likely to search the internet for divorce.