We women say a lot of things and half of it is code for something else. So, to help break the code, here’s a handy list of some common things we women say and what we really mean when we say them.
To their friend who just got a really bad haircut:
“It doesn’t look that bad.” I’m so glad that didn’t happen to me.
To their enemy who just got a really bad haircut:
“It looks good!” You look like the asshole you are.
To their moms:
“He’s a doctor!” Of love.
To their roommates:
“Hey, I might have some friends stopping by later.” Pick up your shit.
To the guy they aren’t attracted to who bought them a drink at the bar and is now asking for their number:
“I’m kind of seeing someone.” I am so not interested, but thanks for the drink.
To the hot guy at the bar who’s been flirting with their beautiful friend, as soon as she goes to the bathroom:
“She’s kind of seeing someone.” Everyone says we look like sisters.
To their ex when they run into each other and she doesn’t look her best:
“I have the flu.” Shit.
To the friend who just asked her to be in her (destination) wedding:
“Oh my God! Of course!” Well, there goes my vacation this year.
To their boyfriends:
“Karen just got engaged. Did you know they actually started dating after we did?” Propose or else.
To their friend who just announced she’s pregnant:
“That’s fantastic! I am SO excited for you!” I’m so excited for you! But… who am I gonna go to happy hour with now?
To their husbands:
“I don’t know where it is, I didn’t move it!” IT’S WHEREVER YOU FREAKIN’ LEFT IT, PROBABLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
To their wives/girlfriends:
“You haven’t seen so-and-so in a long time.” There has GOT to be someone else for you to talk to.
To the person they’ve been seeing for a couple months who “isn’t into labels”:
“I know, right? Why do we need labels anyway? What do they even mean, you know?” Just call me your girlfriend already! I want to put in on Facebook!
To the person they’ve been dating for a few weeks but want to stop dating:
“I just don’t think I’m really ready to date anyone yet.” I met someone else I want to spend all my time with.
To their moms:
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the phone ring.” I didn’t feel like talking to you/ being criticized/ answering questions about my love life and job.
To their bosses:
“I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to come in today. I don’t feel well.” Cramps from hell/ hangover/ bad breakup/ interview for another job/ go fuck yourself.
To their co-workers:
“Oh, I deleted my Facebook account.” Because I was sick of seeing pictures of your cat.
To their co-workers:
“Pinterest just sort of overwhelms me.” You can take your mason jars and paper mache flowers and quinoa recipes and shove them up your butt. (But I did like those maple bacon cupcakes you brought in last week).
To themselves:
“I’m done dating losers.” I’m so sick of being dumped by losers!!!
To themselves:
“I didn’t even want that stupid job.” I don’t want to work at all!!!
To themselves:
“I’m totally over him.” I want a cupcake.
To themselves:
“He’s really nice and sweet and treats me great.” There’s no way I’m having sex with him.
To their FWB:
“I’m so glad we can just have fun together without any drama.” There’s about to be some drama.
To their significant others:
“I have PMS.” Please pick up some magazines and chocolate and a bottle of wine on your way home, thanks.
To themselves:
“I’m way too busy for a relationship!” I’m so lonely.
To the salesperson:
“I think I’m like a size 6?” I was a size 6 in college for about two weeks right after my boyfriend dumped me and I didn’t eat for a month. Now, I’m a 10.
To their spouse:
“It was on sale!” So I also bought a pair of shoes, a dress, and some jeans that will hopefully fit after I lose five pounds!
To their friends:
“None for me, thanks — I’m Paleo now, three days!” I’m about to become the most annoying person you know.
To themselves:
“I feel fantastic on this Paleo diet!” I want a cupcake.
To their cats:
“I love you so much.” I love you so much!!!
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iwannatalktosampson April 2, 2014, 2:11 pm
Haha this is awesome and exactly what I needed today.
GatorGirl April 2, 2014, 2:20 pm
Hysterical Wendy. I would add “I’m fine.” means “I really don’t feel like explaining to you why I’m pissed, how can you not know already??” haha.
bethany April 2, 2014, 2:38 pm
YES on the “I’m fine”. I’m so honest with Dave about almost everything, but I’ve been known to drop the “I’m fine” from time to time when I don’t mean it at all. I need to work on that one.
FireStar April 2, 2014, 2:50 pm
How can this get a thumbs down? This is universal!
GatorGirl April 2, 2014, 2:51 pm
I stopped asking 🙂 thumbs down don’t make sense about 75% of the time!
lemongrass April 2, 2014, 3:23 pm
Haters gon hate!
Lianne April 2, 2014, 4:10 pm
I got thumbs downed for the first time yesterday and it made no sense. Some people are just assholes.
Cue the thumbs down!!
va-in-ny April 2, 2014, 3:12 pm
It may be one of those location-specific things, but I’ve always said “I’m fine” or “it’s fine” and I really mean that it’s okay/good. Not, in a passive-aggressive, “I hate this, but I accept it” kind of way. My boyfriend was thrown for a loop in the first year or so of our relationship because I would use “fine” in the way I was accustomed to, but he only thought “oh shit, she’s mad.”
Diablo April 2, 2014, 3:29 pm
Husbands also almost invariably answer “How do i look?” with “You look fine.” It’s code for “What kind of rookie do you take me for?” What i wanna know is why the husband is the only whose code meaning is in ALL CAPS.
bethany April 2, 2014, 2:35 pm
To their husbands:
“I don’t know where it is, I didn’t move it!” IT’S WHEREVER YOU FREAKIN’ LEFT IT, PROBABLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
*sweet jesus, if my husband loses his keys or wallet one more time and asks me where they are I swear to god, I’m going to lose my shit.
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 2:41 pm
By lose your shit do you mean poop on the floor? What’s with you and Dave and pooping on the floor. Its a bad lesson to teach Rudy.
bethany April 2, 2014, 2:45 pm
hahaha! You made me lol.
No Pants April 2, 2014, 2:52 pm
Kinda related: We got an iPad this week and He Pants was all, “Oh, have you played on the iPad since you got home from work?” over and over and over. And I was busy putzing around the house and couldn’t figure out why he wanted me to look at it so badly. So then I did, and discovered he had downloaded all poop and TP game apps, so the app icons, which were pictures of cartoon poops with little faces, filled the whole screen. Happy April Fools’ Day to me!
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 2:56 pm
I love poop jokes!
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 2:58 pm
I heart He Pants.
No Pants April 2, 2014, 3:06 pm
ME TOO
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 3:09 pm
Well I like him more.
No Pants April 2, 2014, 3:14 pm
Oh, yeah? I nominate you to be the one who walks aound the house tonight, picking up all the dirty socks he just takes off willy-nilly and leaves for me to find.
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 3:16 pm
I’m not even kidding, I was just confronted about the missing socks last night. If I find socks laying around, I throw them away. Apparently there aren’t any socks left. Oops.
No Pants April 2, 2014, 3:20 pm
Really?? I even made it easy for He Pants; I hung plastic bags on the doorknobs in every room so he could deposit his dirty sock in the bags and not leave them on the floor. Nope. Even that didn’t work.
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 3:27 pm
I can’t decide if that really nice or genius or both.
bethany April 2, 2014, 3:23 pm
One time a friend of mine came over and Dave’s boxers were sitting on a chair in the living room. Worn, dirty boxers. I still don’t understand how/why he would take them off in the middle of the living room and just leave them there.
Some days I really miss living alone!
No Pants April 2, 2014, 3:42 pm
Same! Last year, I came home from work to discover He Pants’ pants (hehe) just sitting in the foyer, in front of the door. Like, he walked in the house and decided he didn’t want to wear his jeans anymore and took ’em off right there. I mean, I know my name is No Pants so I should understand, but I’m at least courteous enough to take them off in our room.
mrmidtwenties April 2, 2014, 4:38 pm
somedays the pants just need to come off immediately, and some days the boxers need to end up on the chair, its a guy thing you wouldn’t understand :p Also can someone help me find my keys?
mertlej April 2, 2014, 5:20 pm
funny story – my husband has a tendency to lose his pants almost immediately during the summer (its hot, its humid, i guess he just wants them off), so he used to walk in the door and drop ’em. One time, when he was my boyfriend and we were living together, his mom was visiting. She and I were hanging out in the living room, and he came in and automatically started taking his pants off. I started laughing so hard i was crying, and his mom was sitting there saying “ummmmmm….” as his pants were around his ankles.
Now he waits until he is in the bedroom to take them off 🙂
rachel April 2, 2014, 3:25 pm
Haha, Ross likes to tuck his dirty socks under the furniture. I’ve learned to accept that I have to go for a hunt whenever I do laundry.
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 3:51 pm
I’m feeling really guilty now because I’m the slob in my relationship – Mr. LP does the laundry and puts everything away nicely, whereas I either leave things in the dryer until I need them or throw all my clean clothes on the bedroom floor. And he knows I hate socks so he never leaves his socks – whether clean or dirty – lying around.
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 3:53 pm
Oh LP. We can’t be friends anymore. Work on redemption!
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 3:55 pm
🙁 But I take care of everything outside the house! We’ve swapped 1950s traditional gender roles without even meaning to.
rachel April 2, 2014, 3:56 pm
Haha, LP, don’t worry. I’m totally a slob. Laundry is my chore b/c it’s easy for me. Ross handles the kitchen.
FireStar April 2, 2014, 2:48 pm
My husband moves things – forgets – and then complains to me that they are moved.
bethany April 2, 2014, 2:54 pm
My husband just puts things in a different place every fucking time. I got a ‘key bowl’, so he’d know where the keys were. I’m the only one who uses it. Half the time he leaves his keys in the front door.
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 2:57 pm
Last time my boyfriend used my car, he left the keys in it, running, in the driveway. FOR 3 HOURS.
GatorGirl April 2, 2014, 2:49 pm
Sometimes I think we married brothers. It’s every day I feel like! The other thing that drives me bonkers is we’ll make a plan to go to say the bank, post office, then grocery store; and he’ll just go to the grocery store on autopilot. Even though WE JUST TALKED ABOUT IT. bonkers.
bethany April 2, 2014, 3:08 pm
Dave consistently pulls out of the driveway and goes the wrong direction (like we need to take the highway, which is to the left, but he goes to the right for some reason). I stopped asking him where he’s going, just to see how long it takes him to realize that he has driven in the complete wrong direction.
GatorGirl April 2, 2014, 3:13 pm
I’m going to start doing that!
lemongrass April 2, 2014, 2:50 pm
Mr. Grass doesn’t even look for his shit. He just asks me because I know.
andrea April 2, 2014, 3:04 pm
oh my gosh. I ALWAYS know. I don’t even want to know where he left his phone/magazine/the remote but I’ll see it and automatically make a mental note. It is annoying.
TaraMonster April 2, 2014, 3:07 pm
MY BOYFRIEND DOES THIS TOO.
And so did my last boyfriend. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says “I know where you put all your shit.”?
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 2:56 pm
I’m not saying my reply to Peter is ‘you realize I think you’re a little bit dumber every time you tell me you’ve lost something again’ because that would be a rude thing to say to someone you love.
FIreStar April 2, 2014, 2:59 pm
Whenever I do/say something stupid m husband strokes my hair and calls me pretty (like it’s a consolation prize)
lets_be_honest April 2, 2014, 3:02 pm
Haha. Stand in the corner looking pretty with your mouth closed is a favorite of mine.
thatgirl April 2, 2014, 4:15 pm
Last time my (ex-soon) husband lost his keys..i refused to help look for them again…he kept apologizing for making us late. I used my mom’s phrase…”no, that’s ok…i can stand here and look pretty all day!” And that’s what i did!
mertlej April 2, 2014, 3:03 pm
I actually stopped answering – lately, i’ll stop in the middle of whatever i’m doing, stare at him, and say “just think about it for a few minutes. where is it likely to be?”
And then he’ll pause, think, and find it. And nobody gets anything thrown at their head that day.
No Pant April 2, 2014, 2:47 pm
I’m pretty sure that “I want a cupcake” is what I always truly mean.
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 2:48 pm
You forgot “I’m going to do yoga in the other room for a few minutes because my back hurts” really means “I need to fart in peace.”
lemongrass April 2, 2014, 2:51 pm
“Do whatever you want.” really means “I’m done arguing with you about this, you just aren’t getting the point. Do it my way or pay for it later.”
GatorGirl April 2, 2014, 2:58 pm
Yeahhhhhhh. I may use that occasionally. I’m a jerk some times.
lemongrass April 2, 2014, 3:07 pm
I pretty much only say it when I’m exasperated.
GatorGirl April 2, 2014, 3:08 pm
Or when the conversation is going in circles for HOURS. It’s one of my least favorite phrases, but sometimes there are no other words!
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 2:57 pm
Me, too! Cupcakes and/or alpacas and llamas are always a good way to placate me.
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 2:58 pm
Oops, that was meant to be a reply to No Pants.
No Pants April 2, 2014, 3:53 pm
Also, I keep forgetting to tell you that the company my brother works for had alpacas at its annual meeting! He got to hang with the alpacas for a while.
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 3:54 pm
Oh! Oh my!
No Pants April 2, 2014, 4:03 pm
I thought you’d like that!
No Pants April 2, 2014, 3:16 pm
And pens, it seems! I LOVE PENS. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN A WONDERFUL PEN WITH WHICH TO WRITE.
Christy April 2, 2014, 3:32 pm
To their wives/girlfriends:
“You haven’t seen so-and-so in a long time.” There has GOT to be someone else for you to talk to.
.
.
I might have done this to gf last week. Totally accurate.
Dear Wendy April 2, 2014, 3:49 pm
That one, of course, was written for the lovely lady-lovers among us as I tried to imagine what might be the more annoying aspects about dating a woman…
Astronomer April 2, 2014, 3:48 pm
I will never, ever get sick of other people’s cat pictures on Facebook. DW and cat pictures on the internet are the only things keeping me sane during my work day.
LlamaPajamas April 2, 2014, 3:53 pm
I’m glad at least one person in the universe feels this way because my Facebook is 99% cat photos. Because I DO WHAT I WANT!
MissDre April 2, 2014, 4:10 pm
Agreed. I follow SO MANY cat pages on Facebook and I think I show my boyfriend at least 10 cat pictures a day. I also say “I love you so much” to all of my cats all the time and it’s so wonderful when they reciprocate by trying to groom me… Cat lady all the way.
Kicia April 2, 2014, 3:57 pm
Yea, I’m sick of seeing people’s baby pictures but I will never get sick of seeing people’s cat pictures.
Tinywormhole April 2, 2014, 8:14 pm
You had me until the paleo-bashing. Going paleo was the best thing I’ve ever done for my health. It really sucks when people find it “annoying” that I don’t want to eat . It doesn’t deter me, but it makes it hard.
Tinywormhole April 2, 2014, 8:15 pm
oops – meant that “I don’t want to eat (fill in the blank)”…
trixy minx April 3, 2014, 12:14 am
I loved my paleo diet. I need to get back to it causei haven’t felt as good off it.
bagge72 April 3, 2014, 9:00 am
It’s funny all the women who think they don’t ask the same exact question “Do you know where my….is?”!
bethany April 3, 2014, 9:18 am
I NEVER ask my husband that. Well, wait- I did ask him where the dog’s leash was this morning, because he used it last and never puts it back in the same place!!
bagge72 April 3, 2014, 10:24 am
I just don’t believe it. Like I think people don’t think they do these things, but they really do, plus women have selective memories!
GatorGirl April 3, 2014, 10:27 am
IDK, I agree with Bethany. I will search high and low before asking GGuy where X is. It seems he will just assume I know where his X is and ask. Like asking him is my last resort, and to him it’s his first course of action when trying to locate something.
lemongrass April 3, 2014, 10:35 am
This.
bethany April 3, 2014, 11:37 am
I really don’t misplace things. I swear to you, I don’t. I’m going to keep a count starting with this morning how how often Dave and I have to ask eachother where something is and I will report back in 1 week with my findings.