We women say a lot of things and half of it is code for something else. So, to help break the code, here’s a handy list of some common things we women say and what we really mean when we say them.
To their friend who just got a really bad haircut:
“It doesn’t look that bad.” I’m so glad that didn’t happen to me.
To their enemy who just got a really bad haircut:
“It looks good!” You look like the asshole you are.
To their moms:
“He’s a doctor!” Of love.
To their roommates:
“Hey, I might have some friends stopping by later.” Pick up your shit.
To the guy they aren’t attracted to who bought them a drink at the bar and is now asking for their number:
“I’m kind of seeing someone.” I am so not interested, but thanks for the drink.
To the hot guy at the bar who’s been flirting with their beautiful friend, as soon as she goes to the bathroom:
“She’s kind of seeing someone.” Everyone says we look like sisters.
To their ex when they run into each other and she doesn’t look her best:
“I have the flu.” Shit.
To the friend who just asked her to be in her (destination) wedding:
“Oh my God! Of course!” Well, there goes my vacation this year.
To their boyfriends:
“Karen just got engaged. Did you know they actually started dating after we did?” Propose or else.
To their friend who just announced she’s pregnant:
“That’s fantastic! I am SO excited for you!” I’m so excited for you! But… who am I gonna go to happy hour with now?
To their husbands:
“I don’t know where it is, I didn’t move it!” IT’S WHEREVER YOU FREAKIN’ LEFT IT, PROBABLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
To their wives/girlfriends:
“You haven’t seen so-and-so in a long time.” There has GOT to be someone else for you to talk to.
To the person they’ve been seeing for a couple months who “isn’t into labels”:
“I know, right? Why do we need labels anyway? What do they even mean, you know?” Just call me your girlfriend already! I want to put in on Facebook!
To the person they’ve been dating for a few weeks but want to stop dating:
“I just don’t think I’m really ready to date anyone yet.” I met someone else I want to spend all my time with.
To their moms:
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the phone ring.” I didn’t feel like talking to you/ being criticized/ answering questions about my love life and job.
To their bosses:
“I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to come in today. I don’t feel well.” Cramps from hell/ hangover/ bad breakup/ interview for another job/ go fuck yourself.
To their co-workers:
“Oh, I deleted my Facebook account.” Because I was sick of seeing pictures of your cat.
To their co-workers:
“Pinterest just sort of overwhelms me.” You can take your mason jars and paper mache flowers and quinoa recipes and shove them up your butt. (But I did like those maple bacon cupcakes you brought in last week).
“I’m done dating losers.” I’m so sick of being dumped by losers!!!
“I didn’t even want that stupid job.” I don’t want to work at all!!!
“I’m totally over him.” I want a cupcake.
“He’s really nice and sweet and treats me great.” There’s no way I’m having sex with him.
To their FWB:
“I’m so glad we can just have fun together without any drama.” There’s about to be some drama.
To their significant others:
“I have PMS.” Please pick up some magazines and chocolate and a bottle of wine on your way home, thanks.
“I’m way too busy for a relationship!” I’m so lonely.
To the salesperson:
“I think I’m like a size 6?” I was a size 6 in college for about two weeks right after my boyfriend dumped me and I didn’t eat for a month. Now, I’m a 10.
To their spouse:
“It was on sale!” So I also bought a pair of shoes, a dress, and some jeans that will hopefully fit after I lose five pounds!
To their friends:
“None for me, thanks — I’m Paleo now, three days!” I’m about to become the most annoying person you know.
“I feel fantastic on this Paleo diet!” I want a cupcake.
To their cats:
“I love you so much.” I love you so much!!!