Well, when I was nine months pregnant with my now 1-year-old daughter I discovered that BD#2 had another relationship and his own apartment during my whole pregnancy and I never knew anything of it! We lived together; he slept at home every night. So, long story short: I left him and he tried taking me to court for custody, which he lost, and during all that I felt so lost and betrayed and had no one to help me, so BD#1 became my biggest support by babysitting for me so I could continue to work and helping out with any other things a single, pregnant mom of four (now five) needed. Sometimes he’d stay the night but in our older daughter’s bedroom.
Now I’ve decided to give BD#2 another chance to make things right, and things are going well. I’ve got my own place and he’s got his own place. but since getting a new job on the railroad, he’s been more jealous and insecure and now hates that I have a good relationship with BD#1, so he is making me choose between the two or he’s gonna leave!
I can’t just choose one or the other. They are both gonna be a part of my life no matter what, so if that’s how he feels,then I guess I should tell him there’s the door. It’s so important that my kids see me and their dad interacting positively. Am I wrong?! — Show Him the Door?
Yes, you are wrong to think that there’s potential for a happy future with someone who led a double life the entire time you were pregnant. It’s wonderful that the father of your older children is so supportive of you and that you have a positive co-parenting relationship with him. So, why on earth would you want to disrupt that for a man who had a separate life for the entirety of your pregnancy?! That simply is not something you should overlook. You don’t try to “make things right” in a romantic sense with a person who betrayed you on that level. You don’t. And while I think you should strive to have a positive co-parenting relationship with him for the sake of your children, who deserve the same level of security in their lives that your older children have, you absolutely should “show him the door” as far as a romantic relationship with you goes.
Take a break from dating, focus on yourself and your children and managing the co-parenting relationships you have with these two men. Stay single for AT LEAST the next year. Get some therapy to deal with the issues you’ve no doubt carried from relationship to relationships (and probably from childhood) that make you feel so dependent on men. When you are relying on one baby daddy to babysit the kids you have with a second baby daddy on a regular basis (and not as, say, an emergency situation one time), you’re doing it wrong. Seriously. Again, it’s wonderful that you have a close friendship with the BD#1, but you’re crossing some major boundaries in the way you’ve grown dependent on him to meet some basic needs. Hire a babysitter you haven’t procreated with, rely on friends you don’t have romantic histories with, call on family for support. Leave the baby daddies to father their children and not take care of YOU.
Also, it might be time to look into long-term birth control.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.