Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Which Baby Daddy Should I Choose?”

I’ve been dating my Baby Daddy #2 for five years off and on and have two daughters with him, ages 1 and 3. My previous relationship with my Baby Daddy #1 lasted 14 years and I have three children with him, ages 19, 14, and 13. I have a good relationship with BD#1 as if he were a brother or best friend (since being diagnosed with Parkinson’s three years ago at age 37). I have not been intimate with him in six years; we are just co-parents to our children and he has built a strong relationship with my other daughters with my BD#2.

Well, when I was nine months pregnant with my now 1-year-old daughter I discovered that BD#2 had another relationship and his own apartment during my whole pregnancy and I never knew anything of it! We lived together; he slept at home every night. So, long story short: I left him and he tried taking me to court for custody, which he lost, and during all that I felt so lost and betrayed and had no one to help me, so BD#1 became my biggest support by babysitting for me so I could continue to work and helping out with any other things a single, pregnant mom of four (now five) needed. Sometimes he’d stay the night but in our older daughter’s bedroom.

Now I’ve decided to give BD#2 another chance to make things right, and things are going well. I’ve got my own place and he’s got his own place. but since getting a new job on the railroad, he’s been more jealous and insecure and now hates that I have a good relationship with BD#1, so he is making me choose between the two or he’s gonna leave!

I can’t just choose one or the other. They are both gonna be a part of my life no matter what, so if that’s how he feels,then I guess I should tell him there’s the door. It’s so important that my kids see me and their dad interacting positively. Am I wrong?! — Show Him the Door?

Yes, you are wrong to think that there’s potential for a happy future with someone who led a double life the entire time you were pregnant. It’s wonderful that the father of your older children is so supportive of you and that you have a positive co-parenting relationship with him. So, why on earth would you want to disrupt that for a man who had a separate life for the entirety of your pregnancy?! That simply is not something you should overlook. You don’t try to “make things right” in a romantic sense with a person who betrayed you on that level. You don’t. And while I think you should strive to have a positive co-parenting relationship with him for the sake of your children, who deserve the same level of security in their lives that your older children have, you absolutely should “show him the door” as far as a romantic relationship with you goes.

Take a break from dating, focus on yourself and your children and managing the co-parenting relationships you have with these two men. Stay single for AT LEAST the next year. Get some therapy to deal with the issues you’ve no doubt carried from relationship to relationships (and probably from childhood) that make you feel so dependent on men. When you are relying on one baby daddy to babysit the kids you have with a second baby daddy on a regular basis (and not as, say, an emergency situation one time), you’re doing it wrong. Seriously. Again, it’s wonderful that you have a close friendship with the BD#1, but you’re crossing some major boundaries in the way you’ve grown dependent on him to meet some basic needs. Hire a babysitter you haven’t procreated with, rely on friends you don’t have romantic histories with, call on family for support. Leave the baby daddies to father their children and not take care of YOU.

Also, it might be time to look into long-term birth control.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

24 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Fyodor December 20, 2018, 9:17 am

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      ktfran December 20, 2018, 10:36 am

      I Lol’d. Literally. Thank you for this.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark December 20, 2018, 10:42 am

        Yep. Beat me to it. Hikarious in its simplicity, too.

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    JD December 20, 2018, 9:28 am

    Um birth control.

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    LisforLeslie December 20, 2018, 9:29 am

    You know what. I can’t. I simply can’t.

    LW – get a freaking IUD. Stop thinking people will change because they use words. You thought everything was great with #2. He lied to you for MONTHS. Then he tried to get custody? What? Because he wanted the child or he wanted to punish you?

    Get a grip. Get your child support. Do your best to support your child’s relationship with him. Restrict your relationship to co-parenting. He’s a loser.

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  • avatar

    RedBlue December 20, 2018, 9:56 am

    Tubal ligation

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    Vathena December 20, 2018, 10:09 am

    What in the hell…? Why would you give this guy another chance? He cheated on you during your entire pregnancy, then *tried to take your kids away!!* !!! I’m sure it would be hard to find the time for therapy as a single mom of 5, but you should really look into why you would EVER consider a romantic relationship with someone who treated you that way. Also, seriously, birth control. You really don’t need any more babies/daddies.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark December 20, 2018, 10:17 am

    For reasons obvious to most every one here… Bittergaymark will wisely sit this one out. He is far too busy vomiting all over the place. Not due to any illness — but sheer and total disgust.

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      LisforLeslie December 20, 2018, 12:39 pm

      Dude, I bought a 12 pack of vomit bags for this one.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine December 20, 2018, 10:27 am

    I hate people.

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    Ms. Vader December 20, 2018, 10:58 am

    YOU HAVE 5 KIDS FROM MULTIPLE PARTNERS AND YOUR BIGGEST ISSUE IS WHETHER TO CHOOSE A LOW LIFE OVER A PROVIDER????? Jesus…yes please follow all the advise and get some birth control like an IUD. Save the rest of the world from your ignorance.

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  • avatar

    ron December 20, 2018, 11:05 am

    To paraphrase the standard DW answer: when you find yourself having to choose between two baby daddies, the correct answer is to stop having babies.

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      Ruby Tuesday December 20, 2018, 3:42 pm

      PREACH, @Ron.

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    anonymousse December 20, 2018, 11:19 am

    I mean, clearly you don’t choose the guy who lied to you, had a separate family, tried to gain full custody and now is giving you an unfair ultimatum.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark December 20, 2018, 11:32 am

      Apparently, that IS not at all clear, somehow. Sigh…

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  • avatar

    Essie December 20, 2018, 11:39 am

    LW, I’m sure something this out-there and crazy has never occurred to you, but…

    How about choosing neither? How about being a goddamn adult, standing on your own fucking feet for a change and taking care of yourself and your children instead of trying to pick out which man you’ll be dependent on?

    I know, crazy, right? Much easier to get back together with your trashy, lying ex-boyfriend and pop out more kids. Well, until you find out he’s cheating on you again.

    Jesus. Have some self-respect.

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    JD December 20, 2018, 12:12 pm

    If someone lied to you and cheated on you to the extent of having a sex apartment they don’t change. Someone who kissed another woman once could change, heck maybe even sex once, but not that. That is planned and methodical deception. Wise up.

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      LisforLeslie December 20, 2018, 12:40 pm

      Heh – sex apartment.

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      • avatar

        JD December 20, 2018, 12:46 pm

        Hehe. I mean how skeevy is having a sex apartment. It’s basically saying, not only am I cheating on you but I am doing it so often that it makes more financial sense to pay rent, utilities and furnish it, than to get a hotel once or twice a month. It really takes the level of deception to a whole new level.

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    peggy December 20, 2018, 12:34 pm

    Hi-since you don’t seem to “get it”,I recommend reading “A Beautiful,Terrible Thing” by Jen Waite. Her story is very similar to what you describe with B.D # 2-and her guy ( and yours) is a classic narcissist. This guy is never going to be a good mate. Read the book,learn and stay away from any romantic/sexual relationship with him. And yes-serious birth control practice needed from you here.

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  • avatar

    peggy December 20, 2018, 12:41 pm

    Hi-L.W. Read “A Beautiful,Terrible Thing” by Jen Waite. It is a memoir of her relationship/marriage to a classic narcissist. The situation she found herself in is very close to yours, nearly identical in fact.
    Baby Daddy #2 is very like the guy she describes in her book. Do not give “your” man a chance to rip your heart out again-100% sure he will if you hang around.
    Yes Yes YES on serious birth control!!

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    peggy December 20, 2018, 12:43 pm

    Sorry for the double post-I thought it had not posted first time.

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  • avatar

    Suki December 20, 2018, 3:32 pm

    Cracking up at the sex apartment breakdown, spot on! Somehow I doubt it was furnished beyond a bed with some questionable sheets, but even so…..he had a space dedicated entirely to cheating on you.

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    redgirl December 23, 2018, 4:27 pm

    The man who CHEATED on you when you were at your most vulnerable is now demanding that YOU prove your trustworthiness by cutting the father of 3 of your children (who sounds like a decent dad) out of your life.

    Just….please think about that for a while. I’m pretty sure the obvious choice is staring you right in the face.

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