I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now. I believe I have never loved anyone like I have my boyfriend, and he’s great to me. For just over a year he has stopped doing things with me though and stays home leaving me to hang out with my girlfriends, which bothers me. So in the meantime and not on purpose, I have made friends with a guy who has a solid career at his father’s business. He has promised me that if we were together, he would provide for me and treat me better than I’m treated in my current relationship. I would be able to go home and see my family, who lives 1700 miles away, a lot more than I do now. I could even go home in the summer and spend a couple months on the family farm. I would also be able to quit my very fast-paced government job and work at his father’s business. All of this sounds amazing to me, of course. The business he has is something I have always dreamed of working at. So do I throw away my current relationship, with someone who I feel is my best friend, for a different lifestyle? What if this other guy and I don’t get along as well as my current boyfriend and I do? What if I spend my whole life wishing I had picked my current boyfriend? Or what if I will be happier than I am now? — Undecided
What if, instead of relying on guys to provide your lifestyle and enable you to visit your family and do work you’ve dreamed of doing, you pursue these things on your own, yourself, like a grownup? What if, instead of basing your decision to pursue relationships on what a guy can provide you and do for you, you get to know people who spark your interest and pursue relationships with them based on: mutual respect and admiration; shared values; common interests; compatibility; chemistry and passion; the way they make you feel? All of this sounds amazing to me, of course. I would hope it would to you, too. But if it doesn’t, I’m afraid the best advice I can give is a common refrain here around DW: “If the question is which one? The answer is neither.”
I have met a great lady and need some advice. We are both 43. She has been married two times, and I have not. She has three kids out of the house whom she helps with college. I have a dog. We both have great jobs. I own a restaurant and she sells me my food. She makes about $60,000 more than I do. She is very religious and I have just started attending church with her in the past four months. We have been together about eight months. One problem is if I miss church, she gives me the silent treatment for a day and acts very disappointed. (But it’s ok for her to go out of town for the weekend and miss.) I have a job that requires my time on Sunday sometimes. I feel like she should be happy that I’m going to church more now than I ever have. My other problem is that I won a trip to Vegas through a pool tournament. Well, she wants to go and asked if she could. I said, “Sure, get yourself a ticket.” She said, “Well, are you going to pay half? You didn’t even offer.” I said, “Do you need me to?” Well, I was extremely frustrated by her expecting me to pay for it. I pay for about 99 percent of all dates, dinners, movies, trips, and entertainment in our relationship. I have bought her tires. We also went to Vegas about a month into our relationship. She paid for her plane ticket while I paid for everything in Vegas including two high-priced shows. She brings up traditional values and Biblical roles of the man and woman. I am traditional in many ways but also value a team effort in many aspects of a relationship. I told her it would be nice for her to pick up a tab every once in a while. She doesn’t seem to budge much and says she has college tuition and other stuff to pay for — like she gets to save money and I don’t! My money is our money and her money is hers. Please help me with any advice. — Biblical Roles Aren’t My Jam
I guess we know why she’s been divorced twice by her early 40s. Not only is she stingy, but she’s also demanding and high-maintenance to boot. You two may simply have values that differ too much — like you value not running out of money and she values having everything paid for. And you value being accountable to your work, while she values your dropping everything to go to church with her every week (or every week that she goes). I don’t know why you’re putting up with her shit, to be honest. You didn’t say one good thing about her or your relationship. She gives you the silent treatment for a day if you miss church? She’s 43 years old, has grown kids, and gives you the silent treatment? She has not learned from her two failed marriages. This won’t end well. MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.