Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Quickies: “Why Did He Have Sex With Me If He’s Not Attracted to Me?”

I’ve been with a guy for nine months, and we have sex and hang out (but always in the house). He says he isn’t sexually attracted to me although I have a pretty face, and he looks at me and hopes that I lose weight. It’s offensive and hurts my feelings when he puts me down. My question is: If he isn’t sexually attracted to me, then why be with me? Or when we break up, why does he end up calling me?

After the last incident I had enough and said I wasn’t going to continue unconditionally loving him and that he would get what he gives. That was two months ago. A few weeks ago he sent me a flower heart emoji and wished me a happy birthday. I was mature and did reply with a “thank you.” Since then he hasn’t reached out. What do you think? — Pretty Face

The question to ask isn’t why this guy would have sex with you if he isn’t sexually attracted to you – you were an easy, available lay when he was horny and couldn’t or didn’t want to make effort to find someone else; the much more important, and likely more difficult, question to ask yourself is why you “unconditionally loved” someone who would put you down like that, disrespect you, and make you feel bad. The question to ask yourself is why you still care two months after you last spoke to him. Clearly, you have some self-esteem issues to work through. You deserve better than this bullshit. Breaking things off with this guy was a wonderful first step. The next steps are to block him, quit giving him any of your energy, and never again give your energy to someone who makes you feel bad.
 

I’m 29 and was dating a 52-year-old man. We broke up because he said my sons, who are 3 and 5, are too bad. They don’t listen nor have respect. We had been together for a year and he had tried helping me get them to behave, but then he gave up. I love him so much and still want it to work out. What can I do? — Missing Him

 
He didn’t break up with you because your sons are “too bad”; he broke up with you because he recognized that your sons need something they aren’t getting from you—-something that he couldn’t give them and that you couldn’t give them while your attention was on him. He broke up with you because he’s almost 60 and, understandably, does not want to deal with young children. You don’t get that choice. These are your children and they need you. They aren’t “bad” – they’re just trying to get your attention. Meanwhile, you’re obsessing over some guy who’s old enough to be your father and who has made it clear he’s not interested in what you’re offering. MOA and focus on being a better mom.
 

I’ve been short-changed in the romance department. I’ve asked women out in person and I’ve tried online dating, but nothing has worked out. Last week felt like the final blow to my love life; I asked out this woman, and not only did she turn me down—and not only did she show off her engagement ring, but also she said that it made her feel good when I asked her out, and while I know what she meant, at the same time it felt like an insult.

After deleting my dating account (again), I’ve been toying with the idea of just throwing in the towel and just staying single. I know I have something to offer a woman, but I’m just tired of constantly putting myself out there and getting nothing in return accept heartbreak and suffering.

What do you think I should do? — The Final Blow

 
Honestly, if the final straw for you was being told that a woman you asked out is engaged, you are probably long overdue for a break from dating. I’m not sure what heartbreak and suffering you’ve been through since literally the only example you give is this engaged woman telling you she was flattered that you asked her out, but I have a feeling you’re one of those guys who feels entitled to dates, doesn’t want to have to work so hard to get them, and gets irrationally angry and aggrieved any time you’re rejected. Probably throwing in the towel and staying single IS a good option for someone like that. You could take the energy you’re expending occasionally asking women out and spend it cultivating some interests, doing some good in your community, and just generally making yourself a more appealing and attractive person. You might even find that the women start pursuing YOU once you make yourself more of a catch.

***************Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

15 comments… add one
  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday July 20, 2020, 10:20 am

    I’m not trying to be a dick, LW1, but the question that popped into my head is not “Why did he still have sex with me if he says he isn’t sexually attracted to me?” but “Why did YOU still have sex with HIM if he says he isn’t sexually attracted to you?” If your goal is sex, there are tons of men out there who WOULD be sexually attracted to you to have sex with; I don’t have to know anything about you to know that to be true, because men are not one sentient species with just one type of thing that interests them.

    Calling you out for your weight out of the blue (as opposed to being pressured by you to admit it as an explanation for why he doesn’t want to commit further; I don’t know how it happened) is a dick move, to be sure. But if someone wasn’t interested in what I looked like, my solution would be to (a) find someone who is, or (b) accept that it’s meaningless sex without any emotional commitment. Most people can’t actually do (b), though, so I’d stick to (a).

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  • avatar

    Fyodor July 20, 2020, 10:28 am

    LW1, about half of people are men.* Find someone who will be nice to you.

    *Amazing but true!

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  • Pheebers

    Phoebe July 20, 2020, 11:21 am

    I am completely repulsed by LW3. I think saying you’re flattered is a NICE way to reject someone, and a ring is saying it isn’t personal, but you’re just unavailable.

    I really hope he isn’t one of those who sends duck pics and then starts with the insults and name calling when they say no, but the Venn diagram of entitlement makes me fear the worst.

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    • avatar

      FYI July 20, 2020, 1:51 pm

      I didn’t read L3 that way at all. At all, at all. I have no idea where people are getting that he probably sends d1ck pics (huh?!?) or that he is entitled and gets irrationally angry. He sounds discouraged to me, not entitled. A LOT of people have been discouraged by dating! — and he may not have seen the ring because he was chatting her up online in the age of covid.

      People can be odd and do unexpected things, and dating sometimes means that you meet a lot of those people. LW3, I would say — sure, take a break. That doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever. Don’t give in to self-pity; just do other things to ENJOY your time. There are tons and tons of ways to have fun that don’t involve romance. Try to relax with friends or things you’re naturally enthusiastic about and just chill for a while.

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    • Lucidity

      Lucidity July 20, 2020, 2:40 pm

      I don’t think he was chatting her up online. An engaged woman isn’t likely to be on a dating site or video-chatting with random men. It sounds like LW3 approaches women he finds attractive in public, and that’s a recipe for disappointment. You’re far less likely to find someone who will agree to date you because you have no idea if any of those women are even available. Stick with dating sites, especially ones that allow the women to send the first message, like Bumble. And drop the attitude that you’re being “short-changed”. Acting like you’re entitled to sex or a relationship is a turn-off. Nobody is cheating you out of something that’s owed to you. You just haven’t found the right person yet.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark July 20, 2020, 11:30 am

    LW1) Eh, aim higher. He’s banging you as he clearly can’t do better and thus get the hot babe of his dreams. Fuck him, but NOT fucking him. Value yourself more. And if the weight bothers you, lose it for yourself — not this dolt.

    LW2). Okay. Sorry, but this meal ticket had ended. (Newsflash: the only reason a 59 year old ever attracts a mate in their 20s is fucking cold, hard, cash. This is true of all sexes. Male and female, gay snd straight.) He is too old for your kids in his mind. And that’s his prerogative. Surprise, surprise… Not everybody wants to raise somebody else’s kids. Something people should perhaps take into account with popping them out with jerks in the first place.

    LW3) Wah, wah, wah. If you don’t want to be rejected by recently engaged women, do yourself a simple favor and — gee, I dunno — look at their fucking hands, you dolt. Just when I think mankind could possibly get any dumber you write in with this inane tale if woe.

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    • avatar

      Talis July 20, 2020, 12:29 pm

      Oh, it’s astounding the sheer numbers of people who won’t bother to so much as glance at someone’s hands first – and then feel offended that the person is unavailable. What’s more astounding is the ones who will literally say, “But I don’t see a ring on your hand!” When I used to wear a ring, I’d respond to such comments by looking at them kind of funny and holding up my left hand silently for them to see. That usually did the trick, but there was the one in particular I’ll never forget who followed it up with, “But it’s not the right hand.” I could not.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark July 20, 2020, 12:39 pm

        Interesting. I always look for rings as it weeds out the taken obvious straight guys. Oh, and now married gay guys, too!

        It seems so easy to do. A no brainer…

        But I guess not based on your experience, Talis. 😳 Some people — men especially — are just bizarre…

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    • avatar

      katmich15 July 20, 2020, 12:55 pm

      “Wah, wah, wah. If you don’t want to be rejected by recently engaged women, do yourself a simple favor and — gee, I dunno — look at their fucking hands, you dolt. ”
      THIS. I got married in my early twenties, so I spent a lot of time fending off men with my wedding ring. Eventually I learned that although a lot of them probably never looked for a ring, just as many didn’t care. I would show them the ring and they would respond with some version of “so are you HAPPILY married?”. If I had a dime.

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    • avatar

      FYI July 20, 2020, 1:53 pm

      To be fair, he may have met her online — in a gaming room or, hell, even on a dating app. Yes, some people stay on dating apps while they’re engaged. Yes, some people do odd things.
      So he may never have had occasion to see the ring.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor July 20, 2020, 11:53 am

    LW3 , left hand, fourth finger (inclusive of thumb)

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  • avatar

    Helen July 20, 2020, 1:08 pm

    LW2 don’t let anyone but you discipline your kids, especially if they think they’re “bad”. I’m guessing his idea of helping your kids not be bad was to harshly punish them. Your kids deserve better than that. Your kid’s discipline should be in the form of guidance and attention from YOU. I have a 5 & 2 year old. I know how frustrating they can be, which is why you never leave their discipline in the hands of some dude you barely know! Every week there’s a news story of some poor kid abused by the mom’s boyfriend. And the mom just lets it happen because they can’t stand to be alone. Please read several parenting books, and take a year off of dating

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  • avatar

    ron July 20, 2020, 2:09 pm

    LW #1 — you were right to dump him, now totally ignore. Unconditional love is for your children, not for adult partners. Therapy for self-esteem. To answer your question: horny young men will have sex with anything that stands still long enough, doesn’t even have to be human.

    LW#2 — Why were you seriously dating such an old man, who clearly couldn’t tolerate with young children? Yes, letting him discipline your children makes you a bad mom. Are your children really bad? Was that your view before getting together with this guy? Not to be repetitive, but the need for therapy cries out from your post.

    LW#3 — an excruciatingly long thread from a guy just as clueless and entitled as you seem to be, concluded a few weeks ago. Look it up and read it. All good advice and it runs to over a hundred pages. Perhaps reading another poster’s cluelessness and entitlement in post after post will allow you to recognize it in yourself.

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  • avatar

    Anonymous July 21, 2020, 3:40 pm

    | He says he isn’t sexually attracted to me although I have a pretty face

    Hm. Maybe he’s asexual?

    | and he looks at me and hopes that I lose weight.

    Never mind! He’s simply an asshole.

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  • avatar

    Dianosaur July 21, 2020, 9:19 pm

    LW #2, under NO circumstances should a man you’ve been dating less than a year be helping to discipline your kids! It’s a recipe for everyone to resent everyone else, not to mention traumatic for the kids when someone who is playing a parental role in their life goes away because you break up.

    With regard to your kids’ behavior issues–there are a lot of resources out there to help you learn more effective approaches to parenting. Look into positive parenting techniques, not ones focused on punishment that have been shown time and again to be ineffective. Also look into information about dating with children and how to build strong stepfamilies. Even if it didn’t work out with this guy, you’ll certainly date in the future and it would be great to have that knowledge. As a stepmother and mom myself, one of the most important things I learned was that you shouldn’t introduce your kids to your new partner until the relationship is pretty serious, and when you do, your partner should not be disciplining your kids. You need to feel confident and successful at doing that yourself, not pawning that responsibility off on someone who has no obligation to stick around.

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