Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Why I’m Posting Less Frequently

You may have noticed that I have been posting less frequently lately. Maybe you haven’t noticed, in which case, WHY NOT, DON’T I MATTER TO YOU? If you’ve noticed but haven’t thought anything of it, great! If you’ve noticed and wondered why, I wanted to give a few quick explanations because I’m a Virgo and I can’t sleep at night if I feel we have unaddressed issues:

1. First, I am fine! Really. I mean, I am as fine as a person can be, I suppose, who has just seen the eye doctor and been advised that the new contact lenses she’s there to order ought to be bifocal lenses. And I am fine for someone who lives in a part of the world where it’s been winter for a million months and, let’s face it, we still have at least another month to go and probably more like six weeks if we’re being really honest about it. And I am fine considering all the freaking grief I’ve experienced since it was last warm. And I am as fine — ok fine-ISH — as one can be when she is the mother of a daughter who is three. Have you ever had a 3-year-old daughter? They’re insane. Even more insane than 3-year-old sons, at least mine is.

2. I’m fine, but I’m tired (see the final point above; If you also have a 3-year-old child AND are old enough to need bifocals, I bet you’re fucking exhausted too), and I have limited time these days. We had a part-time nanny who came three mornings a week for 6 1/2 glorious years, during which time I always had a kid who napped, so those three days a week felt like three full (or full-ish) work days, plus I had all the other hours my kids was asleep that I could work or just fuck around; did I mention this was glorious?! I didn’t realize just how glorious until we no longer had a nanny and, at roughly the same time because life is cruel, Joanie quit napping, and dear God, there hasn’t been a less fun combo since I got a mullet and glasses in second grade. Joanie goes to preschool two days a week and while I am grateful for that time, on those days I squeeze in most of my appointments and errands and things that are hard if not impossible to do with an insane 3-year-old daughter in tow — like, you know, walk down the block in peace — which leaves very little time for anything else, like updating this here site.

3. Even when I do find myself with time to work, I am feeling less and less interested in answering one more letter about where a couple should live because they can’t agree*, and much more interested in other kinds of writing projects. What, exactly, those other writing projects might be is something I’m still figuring out, but my therapist says I need to stop procrastinating and just fucking write and so I am (over the past week I’ve been working on an essay that’s probably fucking awful, but one has to start somewhere).

4. I forgot what my fourth point was, which sounds about right for someone who just ordered bifocal contact lenses.

5. All this is to say, I’m fine, I’m still here, I’m not shutting down the site any time soon or anything, but I will be posting less frequently and I didn’t want you to worry, even though the only person who might have even been a little worried is maybe my mom and I just saw her a couple weeks ago and she saw firsthand the insanity of my 3-year-old daughter and is reading this right now and thinking, Hmmm, you might not be as fine as you say you are, Wendy, because who fucking would? (except she would never ever use the F-word, even though she actually has had a three-year-old daughter — twice! — and one of them was me, so you’d sure think she would have been driven to drop an F-bomb at least once, but she denies it). I’m aiming for 1-2 columns a week, plus Friday links, updates as I receive them, an occasional Wendy’s Picks, or Women Discuss, and whatever else I feel moved to write about on a given day. Giving myself the freedom to do just this over the past few weeks has felt really good (and liberating) and so I decided to go ahead and make it a thing and tell you it’s a thing, so hey, this less-posting thing is a thing now.

6. As always, the forums are still alive and strong. I try to read most threads there and make comments when I can, and they are moderated as well by the rock star known around these parts as Kate. (Thank you, Kate!).

7. Unrelated to this at all, did you all watch “Leaving Neverland” on HBO this week? OH. MY. GOD. We probably need to discuss.

* I love writing advice and I still want to answer letters! I just don’t want to answer any more letters about anything I’ve already answered a million times already (and I’m sure you don’t want to read it either). So, if you’re having a relationship conundrum and it isn’t about how your new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is having a baby or you discovered Craigslist casual encounter responses in your husband’s email or your mother-in-law is rude to you, please send me a note!

36 comments… add one
  • JD March 5, 2019, 2:18 pm

    I was worrying! I keep thinking if you’re ok when i am not seeing a post. Glad you are doing as fine as can be Wendy, although now I am fearing my eye exam next week so thanks for that!
    Taking the time to feed your needs and desires, and energetic three year old is priority.

    Sooo up for an update letter anytime though, those are my favs.

    Reply Link
  • Kate March 5, 2019, 2:29 pm

    Oooo, I don’t know if I could watch Leaving Neverland. I have no doubt MJ molested kids, but I feel like it would give me nightmares. I wish I hadn’t watched Abducted in Plain Sight, and I’m afraid this would be similar. But if there’s a reason I need to see it, I guess I would.

    Reply Link
  • anonymousse March 5, 2019, 2:39 pm

    I was wondering what was going on, but also just thought you’ve had a long winter, full of grief and that you were taking a little break. This has been a tough winter and I’m so over it, too.

    I have a three year old daughter, too. She’s also crazy and temperamental. She changes her mind every three seconds.

    I also watched Leaving Neverland and holy shit.

    Kate, I would say it’s similiar to Abducted in Plain Sight. The parents, WTF were they thinking!?!? They weren’t, clearly.

    The end when Wade’s mom is like, “How could I not have known?”!!!! Willfully blind.

    I actually can’t believe there are still people out there defending MJ after all the clearly inappropriate behavior throughout all the years and when his own sister told the world he was a pedophile and always had been.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy March 5, 2019, 2:54 pm

      There are so many people defending him, it boggles my mind, and really speaks to the kind of power that level of celebrity commands, as well as how BRAVE it is for each and every person who’s been victimized to come forward, especially when they are accusing someone powerful.

      I watched Abducted in Plain Sight just a couple weeks ago (ad the R. Kelley doc a few weeks before that) and watching all of these in quick succession has been kind of a mind-fuck. As a parent, especially, I want to protect my children forever, from everything, and I know that’s kind of impossible. I just cannot wrap my head around allowing your child, your 7-year-old baby, to share a bed with a grown man who is a virtual stranger! It boggles the mind.

      Reply Link
      • anonymousse March 5, 2019, 3:17 pm

        I know! Wade said the first time he slept over in MJ’s bed, his parents had “known” him for four hours. It truly is astounding that someone could be so careless with their own child.

        I haven’t seen the R. Kelly one yet.

      • TheHizzy March 5, 2019, 3:20 pm

        I watched In Plain Sight – – – those parents both wanted that man for themselves so they looked past ALL the red flags. It was sickening to watch. That man brainwashed that poor little girl. Mental health in the 70s was so taboo it’s no wonder she got taken….TWICE.

        I’m shocked that daughter talks to her parents still honestly.

      • Dear Wendy March 5, 2019, 3:29 pm

        That part in Plain Sight – SPOILER ALERT –

        When the dad said he reached over and relieved the abuser?! Omg! And I think of everything, he actually feels the most guilty about THAT — about giving in to homosexual urges/desires and not, you know, feeding his young daughter to a pedophile (and losing her TWICE!!).

      • Kate March 5, 2019, 3:24 pm

        Yeah but… I was telling my 75-y/o aunt about Abducted in Plain Sight, and how they said people didn’t really understand about pedophiles. She’s like, bullshit! When I was in school in, what, the 50s, I could tell which girls were being abused at home. Everyone knew about pedophiles and the dangers.

      • Dear Wendy March 5, 2019, 3:32 pm

        Oh yeah, I believe that. We were taught Stranger Danger in school in the 80s. To be honest, I wasn’t even always comfortable going to sleepovers at friends’ houses if I didn’t know the parents well.

      • TheHizzy March 5, 2019, 3:33 pm

        OMG RIGHT! Reached over and relived him. My jaw dropped. He got SO sad. Like what the actual fuck man?

        He was or is LDS so there’s a whole different ticket there too. I think pedophiles were known about in the 70s but this person being in LDS didn’t want to believe it.

      • Dear Wendy March 5, 2019, 4:02 pm

        The LDS thing is kinda huge. The dad is gay but can’t be gay because he’s LDS so he marries a woman who feels unfulfilled – sexually, and in other ways – because she’s married to a closeted gay man, and so the two of them were really ripe to be seduced by someone who brought excitement.

      • ktfran March 5, 2019, 3:39 pm

        To Wendy’s point, I babysat a lot starting at age 11. It never failed that the dad would always drive me home. I always felt a little weird about it. I still do.

      • Dear Wendy March 5, 2019, 4:02 pm

        Me too! Always hated that the few times it happened.

      • anonymousse March 5, 2019, 6:20 pm

        They were so messed up. I believe they were o brainwashed by the LDS church they did look past so much. But then again, they allowed him to sleep in her bed because he told them his therapist recommended it for him. I feel so sad for Jan. And I’m also shocked she still talks to them. I honestly think both of her parents should have been charged for endangering a minor.

      • Kate March 5, 2019, 6:35 pm

        Her dad died, I guess, in 2018 after it was filmed. And never really went into detail about the depth of his homosexual relationship with “B.” But I think it was a lot more than a hand job.

      • keyblade March 7, 2019, 7:14 pm

        I haven’t watched “Abducted in Plain Sight”. It seems intense. But as I’ve mentioned, I was raised in an LDS household before the internet.

        I can tell you boundaries are a real problem (at least they were for my family of origin). For example, when I was a senior in high school my mother felt she couldn’t tell another Mormon mother that her twenty-something son (who I knew as a kid and could be sweet) was not allowed to write me romantic letters from prison (for stealing equipment and setting a fire in a different church) when his mom and my mom were visiting.

        Another example, one of my aunts married a serial adulterer/womanizer. He got caught several times soliciting prostitutes, he lied about his hours, held money from my aunt, was always trying to run scams. He was uncomfortable to be around. Once when I was a teenager he came into my room to fix something and refused to get out even though I repeatedly asked him to leave because I didn’t have clothes on. After my aunt finally got divorced. Guess who still comes by and does all my parent’s home repairs? Why? Because my uncle had no-one left and the church asked them to step in and take care of him. And this isn’t even one of the really bad ones.

        I could write a book about how much the Mormon experience blurred lines and made it difficult for an already self-doubting kid not to dismiss herself and her own experience.

        My parents let people they didn’t even know come live in our basement, and teens I didn’t even like manipulate them into buying them stuff.

        The anecdote I mentioned in a thread once concerning the body game? Mormon family, Mormon mother, of course. Parents and kids using the microphone to embarrass their families into obedience? Check. Weekly lessons on how to keep and use three months worth of food storage at all times (because it’s the last days?) check. Literal patriarchs being brought over to cast out evil? check. Being told that anything critical towards the religion was anti-Mormon, from bitter apostates, or the work of the adversary? Check. And this is just from the top of my head.

  • ktfran March 5, 2019, 3:41 pm

    I’m happy to read that you’re fine-ish Wendy! I’ll always support you and this site.

    Reply Link
  • LisforLeslie March 5, 2019, 3:47 pm

    Always happy for an update. I did notice less posting – I figured things were busy, but I wasn’t thinking insane toddler busy, and whoo boy – insanity is right.

    I watched the whole of Leaving Neverland and let me say it is sad and confusing and infuriating as you’d expect. I have many thoughts. Which I can not get into right now because I’ve been on an 8 hour meeting (seriously, it’s close to 4 pm, I’ve been on this call since 8 am.)

    Reply Link
  • keyblade March 5, 2019, 3:50 pm

    I’ve noticed less posting and miss it, but I also know that breaks are important and you can’t rush the artistic process. I’m glad you’re doing okay,. Keep up the good work staying checked in.

    Reply Link
  • Fyodor March 5, 2019, 4:20 pm

    About a year ago I started noticing early signs of farsightedness to go with my nearsightedness. I don’t need bifocals yet, but I feel like it’ll start being an issue is a few years.

    Reply Link
    • Fyodor March 5, 2019, 4:21 pm


      Reply Link
  • Guy Friday March 5, 2019, 4:44 pm

    Damn it, Wendy. How will I know whether to MOA or DTMFA without your daily presence? I mean, OMGWTFBBQ!

    Glad you’re taking time for yourself. If you ever want to throw another “His Take” out there, I COULD polish off my ole typewriter for a response 😉

    Reply Link
  • allathian March 6, 2019, 4:40 am

    Glad you’re doing OK and taking some time for yourself and your family, Wendy.

    Reply Link
  • honeybeenicki March 6, 2019, 9:35 am

    I’m glad you’re fine-adjacent! I noticed fewer posts and was a little worried, but figured you’d update everyone!

    Also having an insane 3 year old, I totally get it on the tired front. I have been known to tell people that if we had the idea of having more children on the list of possibilities, this particular 3 year old would have put an end to that idea. Fortunately for us, we never intended to have any more beyond him.

    We also have what appears to be an endless winter. We had 30+ inches of snow intermingled with -20 to -50 degree weather in less than 30 days. Even my outdoor and snow loving kid is all done with snow. I’ve fallen on the ice no fewer than 4 times and I’m just ready to not have to wear a coat when I’m outside!

    Definitely take some time for you!

    Reply Link
    • JD March 6, 2019, 9:41 am

      Oh gosh yes please make this winter end. I am soooooo over it. Done feeling pent up since it seems the worst is happy to come on the weekends once there is time to go out.

      Reply Link
      • ktfran March 6, 2019, 10:17 am

        Agreed. I’ve been more sick this winter than the last, idk, three years combined. I’m over it. I blame it on the ups and downs of this bs weather.

      • honeybeenicki March 6, 2019, 11:02 am

        My dog is the biggest wimp and has hugely sensitive feet (and refuses to wear any kind of booties or socks) and won’t go outside for any length of time when its cold out, so he is so riled up and suffering from cabin fever. I just feel bad and want my people (and animals) to be able to go outside again and have fun. I hate winter to start with (why do I live here???) but this is just killing my mood.

      • JD March 6, 2019, 11:32 am

        Mine is also killing my mood because I’d really like to actually dress up and go out for our anniversary but watch it’ll be like -50 again. Not that it’s such a big deal to dress up but I like to and just want to be able to wear something other than a parka for once, especially for my first anniversary dinner.

  • Moneypenny March 6, 2019, 1:00 pm

    I’m glad everything is going ok, Wendy. I follow you on Instagram, so I’ve been seeing your posts and stories, and I can totally understand needing to focus your attention elsewhere! Especially with a 3 year old! (But she’s so cute! 😛 )

    Reply Link
  • Rangerchic March 6, 2019, 1:33 pm

    Glad your fine! I have to say I’m glad my girls are 19 and 23 now. I’m only 43 but I really can’t imagine having a toddler right now. I do not have has much energy as I did 20 years ago!

    I read an article about the Abducted in Plain Sight and read enough to know I didn’t want to watch it either. I don’t have HBO right now so I can’t watch the MJ documentary but not sure I would. Read enough about that to know he was guilty and don’t want to watch sad stuff.

    Reply Link
  • Lisa Browdy March 6, 2019, 6:53 pm

    I would give a thousand dollars to have a day with my daughter as a three year old. She is 21 now and hasn’t wanted to spend time with me for 10 years. Enjoy the snuggles and hair brushing, the songs and stories, the sweet little dresses and shoes, the way she says “I love you mama” and really means it.

    Reply Link
    • JD March 6, 2019, 7:52 pm

      I think kids come back around to their mothers. Girls particularly. We have to go become ourselves and then we come back. I know i pulled away but now call my mom non stop.

      Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy March 7, 2019, 8:25 am

      I’m sorry your 21-year-old doesn’t give you much attention. I will say that for as challenging as my daughter can be, she has come around in the past few months to being very affectionate and loving with me. Just like my son, she really favored her daddy through most of her toddlerhood but now as she moves out of that stage, she’s discovered that mommy can be pretty nice too. I am looking forward to the sweet spot (maybe 4 or 5-9?) when she is less whiney and temperamental but still enjoys spending time with me.

      Reply Link
    • Vathena March 7, 2019, 8:50 am

      Aw! I’m sorry about your daughter- but I agree with JD, sometimes kids need to get distance from their parents while they become independent adults. I roll my eyes so hard at my mom sometimes, but we talk or text almost every day (I’m late 30s). I did laugh at the suggestion to enjoy the hair brushing. My now 5-yo daughter is like a cornered honey badger whenever I come at her with a hairbrush. She most decidedly will not sit still for any sort of hair braiding, etc. This started when she was 2.5. (Also, everybody said that 3 was just the worst and that 4 was sooo much better. Those were some damn lies…)

      Reply Link
      • JD March 7, 2019, 8:55 am

        When I was younger I always found it interesting how some of my friends HATED having their hair brushed while my mother pulled so tight and put so much hair spray on my head that I will surely never need a face lift. My best friend would cry through the whole process, and that didn’t involve the lovely 80’s high pony with pouf bangs. Obviously different scalp sensitivity but back then I thought it was so odd to cry over hair being brushed.


Leave a Comment