Your Turn: “He Gets Mean When He Drinks”

New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I’m dating a guy who is usually the greatest guy in the world. I love him, he loves me, and he always tells me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s seen in real life and that I make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world. He has even gone so far as to tell his friends that he wants to marry me one day.

Before him, I was in an abusive relationship, so trusting someone is very hard for me. He typically is very patient with me when I worry about silly things, and he does his best to make me feel secure. But things started going downhill once we went on vacation earlier in the summer — I found out he gets mean when he drinks. He either apologizes after I tell him what he’s said, or he tells me he definitely didn’t say those things/doesn’t remember saying them, which makes me feel like he thinks I’m crazy and make things up.

I also noticed him checking out other girls, and he’s admitted to me he sees plenty of other girls he thinks are prettier than me and that he fantasizes about them and would like to have sex with them. A new girl started at the restaurant where we work and she’s your typical tan, bleach-blonde, skinny type; he literally can’t take his eyes off her. When I brought it up to him how it hurts me when he stares at her all night while barely saying a word to me, he got upset and told me I was making it up. I decided to forget about it, but tonight he caught me watching him check out her behind, and yet he still denied he checks her out.

He says he loves me and would do anything for me. When I mentioned taking a break, he got upset to the point of tears and begged me to stay with him. But lately I’m more hurt than happy in our relationship. What should I do? — Tired of His Ways


You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at


  1. kerrycontrary says:

    So, I’m sorry, but your boyfriend isn’t the greatest guy in the world. Re-read your letter and you can see that he openly checks out other women when he’s with you, makes you feel like you’re crazy, and is mean to you when he drinks but later denies it. We all have our faults but it doesn’t seem like your boyfriend is willing to change his behavior at all. For example, if someone knows they are mean to their partner when they drink the appropriate solution is to cut back on alcohol or stop drinking at all. And it’s OK to be attracted to people other than your girlfriend, but you do not under any circumstances ever tell them about it! That’s so rude! It seems like this relationship has run it’s course. You should break up with him (and not a break, that’s bullshit, what would change during the break? just break up and move on)

  2. lets_be_honest says:

    I love him, he loves me, and he always tells me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s seen in real life and that I make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world. He has even gone so far as to tell his friends that he wants to marry me one day.

    This is not that special. I wish more people realized that. That’s pretty much what any decent boyfriend would be saying/feeling/doing.

    1. I think people consider it special because it seems to be a rare commodity these days. Of course boyfriends should be doing this, but most don’t. Most (both genders) take their SO for granted. This may explain a lot of letters that Wendy gets these days.
      Although this is just my 2 cents.

      1. Well, I’m not sure that this is a such a rare commodity these days as much as it usually only comes from the begining of the relationship, or from a guy who wants to get his dinky stinky.

      2. I see your point. It’s hard to tell if someone is really sincere with their comments, or they’re just out to get some.

      3. I think the content can be sort of telling. The stuff he told the LW is stuff he could tell anyone. Not that a person can’t make up shit about your personality or specific characteristics, but saying you’re the luckiest guy in the world and calling someone the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen in real life are not only hyperbolic, but sound like they came out of a cheesy movie.

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        Oh I like that!

      5. snarkymarc says:

        Is that really what you guys expect to hear from yourbboyfriend or husband? I’m terrible at giving compliments, including to my wife. And I’m sure we take each for granted too much. But I’m surprised if most women expect to hear this type of appreciation on a daily basis. I’m not challenging it, but just saying I’m surprised.

      6. Avatar photo theattack says:

        I think most women desperately want/need to hear it. Not all men are willing to say it though.

      7. My husband tells me that he’s glad I’m his wife all the time. It makes me happy. 🙂
        You don’t need to be overly mushy or anything, but a little appreciation goes a long way!

      8. snarkymarc says:

        I like that one. I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it.

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        On a daily basis? No. At least once? Yes. (or something similar to what he said)

      10. snarkymarc says:

        Yeah, I’m a shitty husband in that respect. It’s funny because there are lots of times I think she looks unusually good, but I just can’t get it out of my mouth.

      11. lets_be_honest says:

        Maybe she can tell you are thinking she looks hot though? I guess as long as you know your parent is attracted to you and loves you, then you’re good to go.

      12. lets_be_honest says:

        PARTNER, not parent. haha

      13. Oh good, that makes much more sense!

      14. ~I~ like hearing it, & my boyfriend does tell me on a daily basis, & I tell him how sexy he is all the time. Although yeah, objectively, we probably look like foolish, foolish people—one time, he got in my car, & we both looked at each other, smiled, & simultaneously were like “You’re pretty!” (gag)

        But on a serious note, yeah. Most women like to hear these things (to generalize). However, some guys are bad at complimenting (it’s okay!) & some women (this is so normative, sorry) are bad at receiving (“How beautiful? More beautiful than _____?” or “No, I’m not. I’m hideous!”) So, whatever works for you & your relationship.

      15. lets_be_honest says:

        Ha, just last night mine was bent over doing something for me, and I wasn’t paying attention. He goes ‘aren’t you going to check out my ass?’

    2. How can he ‘always say I’m the most beautiful girl he’s seen in real life’ and then tell her to her face that he sees lots of better looking girls, fantasizes about them, and wants to have sex with them, and then obviously can’t keep his eyes off another girl in the workplace. That’s just b.s. That’s not the worst of his behavior, either. MOA, this guy will never be faithful and will never treat you with respect. Denying what you’ve clearly observed multiple times is more than just lying, it is an open declaration that he has zero intention of changing in any way to make you happier. He’s apparently decided that his tears and his empty words are all it takes to bind you to him.

    3. Call me cynical, but over-the-top romantic gestures and language have almost started looking like red flags to me! Not every time, of course, but I’ve seen enough examples of Douchebags Who Can Talk Pretty that it’s made me suspicious of romantic partners (male or female) who promise their sweetie the moon and make hyperbolic statements about their beauty, etc.

      It’s like the opposite of the “Neg” PUA tactic – giving a backhanded compliment to leave the girl crawling back for praise. This model is more like, make her think you put her on a pedestal so you can get away with crappy behavior.

      1. BettyBoop says:

        I’m currently online dating and I RUN from the guys who immediately start spouting their ideas of romantic gestures when they barely know me. It comes across as a maneuver to get what they want instead of a sincere gesture. I’ll gracefully accept 2 or 3 compliments on my looks in the first couple dates before I get turned off and start to assume he hasn’t noticed that I’ve got brains and opinions too. It really squicks me out if a guy says stuff like that too soon.

    4. Hi! i know this was from 2013 but i still want to reply. He’s gaslighting you when you’ve seen him check another girl out and hes denied it.. Also, if he truly means that you’re the most gorgeous girl hes ever seen then he would act on it and not look at other girls for longer than any normal person should. I think its the intention behind it, if he’s trying to look long enough to get their attention or even be creepy, leave him…it gives hot girl at gas station vibes… super creepy. Not cool. You can definitely find someone that thinks you’re all that and beautiful while staying completely faithful mentally as long as you satisfy them in their needs. To be frank, it is a breath of fresh air that he admits that he openly fantasizes about the random girls, but thats so weird and not okay when you’re in a committed relationship. This guy is not ready for a real relationship with you at all and sounds like he barely respects you. You deserve so much more and i hope you realize that!!! best of luck. XX

  3. You know, based on the information in your letter, this sounds like a case of a guy saying the right words to make you feel that he loves you and is your boyfriend, but his actions say otherwise. And his actions are important.

    Your former abusive relationship may have skewed your perspective, but a guy who loves you and wants to be your boyfriend doesn’t tell you he is attracted to other women (more so than you) and wants to have sex with them. He doesn’t ogle other women in front of you. That’s extremely disrespectful and not ok. You don’t say exactly what it is he’s said to you when drunk, but you said he’s mean. A boyfriend who loves you isn’t mean to you, and doesn’t dismiss you and tell you you’re crazy when you call him on it.

    This is asshole behavior. Your boyfriend is an asshole. He’s hurting you. You’re more hurt than happy. His words (you’re beautiful, I can’t live without you, blah blah) are meaningless compared to how he’s treating you. (That doesn’t mean he doesn’t think you’re beautiful, but the fact that he’s treating you like shit is the important thing).

    I think what you need is some solid advice on how to get away from this guy, because he’s not going to make it easy to walk away. Maybe some others can help with that.

  4. lets_be_honest says:

    Its totally normal for a coupled up person to check out others.
    Its NOT totally normal for them to say they want to have sex with them.
    Its NOT totally normal for them to stare like a weirdo in front of their partner.

    1. THIS.

      It’s also not acceptable to say mean things while drunk and then claim not to remember it.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        “It wasn’t me!” – Shaggy, circa 1997

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        (not sure if you noticed, but that was my attempt at being as gender neutral as possible. I’m trying to work on that 🙂 )

      3. Ha! Trying to make bgm proud?

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        Ha! Christy mentioned this once a while ago, so I’m trying to be more conscience of it.

      5. 😀 It makes it more universal, don’t you think?

      6. lets_be_honest says:

        Yes, I’m glad you pointed it out that time!

    2. Totally.

      Of course I think there are guys out there hotter than my husband, and I know he feels the same, but guess what- We don’t point out those people in real life and say that we fantasize about having sex with them. That’s really rude and disrespectful.

      1. Hmm, I think my perception is off because my boyfriend & I ~do~ point people out to each other? (But yeah, stop short of moaning, “god, I just wanna fuck hiiiim/heeeer”)

        I agree that the way this guy is doing it sounds pretty fucked up, though.

      2. I think it’s normal to say something like “Wow, Giselle is so hot” or something like that. I mean, I did it the other day while we were watching TV… I forget who it was, but man, he was hot….
        But, I would never say to my husband “So and So is way hotter than you and I want to bone him”. There’s a big difference.

      3. Yeah if I were out to eat with my wife, and some girl walked by, I wouldn’t turn to my wife, and say “she is way better looking than you, I would like too smell her vagina.”

      4. Yeah, telling your partner you’d like to have sex with this other person is a big problem. Especially if it’s a person you see on a regular basis that you could reasonably have sex with.

      5. It’s one of those things where it’s all about the tone in which it is said I think…

      6. For sure! I also think the red flag here is that he’s ~denying~ it (even after apparently saying he wanted to have sex with others? Which just makes no sense, & I think is his way of fucking with the LW’s head)

    3. So, one thing about this letter. He says he fantasizes about other girls but she is the prettiest person he has met in real life. Do you think this information came out about celebrity crushes? Like “not real life people”. Also, How much is too much when speaking about celebrity crushes? My husband and I know each others. Is that weird?

      1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I don’t think it’s weird at all to know each other’s celebrity crushes. Unless it bugs your partner. (GatorGuy is starting to think it’s pretty annoying every time I swoon over Pharell. I have to work on that.)

      2. Avatar photo theattack says:

        My husband is kind of put off because I recently said that Justin Timberlake makes me want to take my clothes off. What I meant was that his music does that to me (I mean, the man himself does too, but that wasn’t the point I wanted to convey to my husband, ya know?), but he got pissed and said I shouldn’t be telling him stuff like that. Just tryin’ to help the guy out, but whatever! Celebrities should definitely be fair game. Silly husbands.

        And off topic, but GG, I went to a history lecture last night and almost died. My brain couldn’t handle something so horribly boring. If it had lasted another ten minutes, someone would have had to resuscitate me. Much respect to your husband. He must have a brain of steel.

      3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Haha, I’ve gone to a few of his history lecture/conference things and yeah….snooze fest. It’s only for certain people.

      4. Avatar photo theattack says:

        For real. My husband has his BS in History, and I think he wishes he had been able to pursue that further and still go to law school. Instead he’s always wanting to do stuff like this to supplement, and I feel like an uneducated buffoon if I say that I’d rather stay home and watch my cats than go learn something. Maybe the next lecture would be better if I dropped acid first. Sheesh. (Jk, I don’t do that anymore, chill out)

      5. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Have a drink before! Or make a plan to have drinks after! It will keep your mind distracted.

        I don’t go to most of his stuff, but there are times when it’s appropriate for spouses to come and it is a struggle! I def feel like the uneducated buffoon in a room full of PhD candidates rambling about the effects of Civil War camps on gender rolls. Yeahhhhh.

      6. So do you think there is a double standard with men and women? Like can we tell our husbands our crushes but they can’t tell us? My husband is much more quiet with his crushes. I am not sure why that is.

      7. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I don’t think there is a double standard (at least in our relationship). I know GatorGuy is obsessed with T. Swizzle and I’m cool with that.

      8. I think there can be a double standard. I feel like because of the idea that men are more visually oriented (I’m not commenting on the truth of that) and the stereotype that men are more likely put looks first, people can sometimes see a man talking about a crush as being more of a threat than when a woman does it? Not saying that I agree with it, just that it seems to be how some people perceive it.

      9. I feel that way personally. Like my husband thinks my crush is adorable but would be worried that I would see his crush as a threat. he also might not focus on one crush specifically vs many at the same time?

      10. Speaking too much about it, unprovoked, would be weird, I guess? My boyfriend knows all of my celebrity crushes, & I know his (we also know our real-life “crushes” but that’s another story)

        Have any of you seen Man of Steel? I’m not a movie person, but I went to see that with my boyfriend & his parents over the weekend, & WOW. The guy who plays Superman, when he’s all hairy & shirtless in the beginning? Plus Law & Order guy was in it (<3) But anyway, during a very specific part, my boyfriend turned & whispered to me, "Oh no, you're so turned on right now, aren't you?" And I was.

        Soo, what's my point (sorry guys, I'm not in a very serious mood today)? I guess, my point is that sometimes it's a cool bonding experience to know your S/O's crushes & to know (when watching something together) what will set them off? And also, it's most appropriate to discuss celebrity crushes ~during~ the moment they're on TV, or on a magazine cover that you & your S/O are both looking at, etc. It'd be kind of weird to have Hot Celebrity Crushes be a constant topic in your relationship, I think.

      11. I am not saying put posters of said celebrity crushes on the ceiling over the bed. But I just wonder if women would take it personally.

      12. lets_be_honest says:

        Luckily it doesn’t bother Peter that I’ve replaced his head with Ryan Gosling’s in all our photos.

      13. He sounds very understanding 🙂

      14. Avatar photo rawkmys0cks says:

        hahahaha my boyfriend made the SAME remark to me during Man of Steel…he just knows these things, and scruffy hairy shirtless dudes definitely really do it for me.

      15. I don’t think it’s weird to talk about celebrity crushes. But I do think it’s odd to specify that someone is the prettiest girl you’ve met in real life. Like why is it SO important that they know that they’re not the prettiest overall?

      16. yea, I thought that was weird too. But I thought it could be “your hot, but I would totally go after mila kunis.” Which would also be weird in a conversation too.

    4. OK – “Henry Cavill is so good looking”
      Not OK – “Henry Cavill is so good looking I wonder what it feels like to sleep with him”

      1. mmm, nice example 🙂

      2. so I have a major crush on Joe Manganello from True Blood. I thought I hid it well until one night my husband was trying to get it on and I was tired. He then went “Obey the packmaster” which is a quote from the show. I perked right up. So he not only knew much crush but used it on me. Weird?

  5. Sunshine Brite says:

    Aim higher. For reals. He is not really good for you. You were previously in an abusive relationship and now you’re with a guy who gets mean when he drinks and compares you to other women. Please seek some therapy and figure out your patterns and motivations around relationships.

  6. LW. I think there are a few questions you need to ask yourself. So the drinking/mean thing. How many times has it happened? Is it something that has happened twice or something that happens weekly? I will be honest, I have been with my husband 10 years and we have had 3 rough drunk fights. so 3 times in 10 years is ok with me. If it was once a month, then I would say no.

    For the thinking other girls are prettier than you, did you back him into a corner with that admission or did he say it of his own will? Finally, do you think he has a chance with the new girl or is this a fantasy thing. Has this been going on for a few days or a few months? The answers to these questions should give you a clearer vision of what you are looking at.

  7. He’s gaslighting you when he says he “doesn’t remember telling you” something. Be careful. This relationship is showing signs of abuse – making your gf feel crazy and like she’ making things up is emotionally abusive.

  8. Datdamwuf says:

    Dear Tired,

    MOA. Read your letter and pretend your best friend wrote it, wouldn’t you tell her to leave? BTW, people don’t get mean when they drink – people use being drunk as an excuse to be mean without taking responsibility for it. He’s lying to you and gaslighting you – don’t stay with an asshole, you can do better. And when he begs you to stay, keep saying no, if he threatens to kill himself, that’s abusive – dodge the bullet. MOA

  9. You know those warning bells that you’re hearing? The ones you are attributing to being particularly sensitive because of a previous abusive relationship? They’re legit.
    Getting drunk is no excuse for verbal abuse, and acting like you’re crazy is called “gaslighting” and is also abusive. It’s awful, and I know it doesn’t feel fair, but you’re on bad relationship #2 here, and you know what you need to do. Dump this guy immediately, take some time to recover, and find someone who will treat you with kindness and respect. You deserve so much better than this.

  10. GertietheDino says:

    You should break up with him. From your description, drunk or sober – he is a jerk. MOA

  11. Don’t go on a break, just move on! A boyfriend who loves you and wants to marry you will show you through action, not just words!

  12. What? Just what?!? That’s all.

  13. If you’re “more hurt than happy” in this relationship, then it’s time to MOA. I can say with certainty that he’s gaslighting the hell out of you (“You’re imagining things!” “You’re making it up!” “I don’t remember saying that, you must be crazy” <—all gaslight-y statements that shift the blame from him, to you)

    However, the other stuff is more ambiguous to me. I think it's fucked up that he's all "you're the most beautiful girl", but then turns around & says he finds other women prettier, & that he'd like to have sex with them? BUT, like bunnycsp said, is this a confession that was forced from him? ("Do you think she's pretty?" "Well, yeah…" "Does that mean you'd want to have sex with her?" "Umm, hypothetically…? I guess?")

    And the part about him checking out Blondie— you say that the 3 of you work at the same restaurant together. So I think maybe you're being unrealistic about the control of his gaze (it's not like you're eating together at a restaurant, & his eyes wander and stare constantly…you're all at the workplace, walking around & stuff). It's wrong for him to completely *deny* that he's even looking, but other than that? Maybe chill on this issue with other partners (because I do definitely think you should NOT continue having this guy as a partner, despite some of my confusion on the specific issues you mentioned)

    1. Oh, & yeah, him crying & begging isn’t normal, either. Like everyone else said, forget the break, & just break up (and maybe find a job elsewhere?)

    2. I’m sorry, I disagree on the chilling out issue. It’s true that most guys look. I do agree that it’s unrealistic for her to expect him not to. But, if “he can’t take his eyes off her”, that’s rude no matter what the circumstances are. And if she’s hurt by it, she does not need to tolerate it.

      1. I don’t think she should tolerate it with THIS guy (who is shitty in other innumerable ways), but the “looking” thing in general is just one of the things I found ambiguous here (& I say above that my perception in this area could be off). It’s a very subjective issue.

  14. “But lately I’m more hurt than happy in our relationship. What should I do? ” You MOA. Even if he cries about it. Yes, it sucks to hurt someone but to borrow Wendy’s line from yesterday, you have to love yourself more. This guy certainly isn’t worried about your feelings. Frankly he sounds like a douche. You’re the most beautiful girl he’s “seen in real life”? What an odd thing to say. He could say you are beautiful and leave it at that. Why put a qualifier on it? Then again, you know he doesn’t mean it anyway because he’s also told you he sees other women he finds more attractive than you and wants to have sex with them!!!!

    I wish you’d been more specific about what he does that’s “mean” when he’s drunk but I don’t guess it really matters. It doesn’t sound like we’re talking about a one time, out of character incident. It sounds like a pattern of behavior. And the fact that this just started earlier this summer – so… a month ago? – and it’s happened enough for you to have gotten several different responses (apologies, denial, not remembering) makes me question how often he’s getting drunk (and to the point of not remembering it the next day) and if he has an alcohol problem. Is he also drunk at work when he’s gawking at your new coworker? Or is that sober douchebaggery?

    This might feel like a step up from your last relationship, but it’s really not. Not by much anyway. Dump this guy and spend some time getting yourself together. Find your self confidence. Learn to be happy and whole on your own. Then, when you’re ready to date again, look for someone who will actually protect your feelings. Someone who will compliment your intelligence and accomplishments as well as your looks. Someone who doesn’t get drunk all the time and say horrible things. Someone who doesn’t say horrible things (like that he wants to have sex with other women) in general. Find someone who encourages you and is honest with you. And love yourself enough to cut things off with anyone who doesn’t meet your standards.

  15. If you’re not happy, then you should break up with him. I think he sounds like a jerk. You say that it’s hard for you to trust as though that’s a bad thing, but it sounds like maybe you’ve just developed more of a sense of listening to your gut?

    The worst of all this is how he tries to make you think you’re crazy. It’s extremely manipulative and shows that he just wants to be able to “manage” you instead of being an actual partner to you.

  16. This guy sounds terrible. He’s mean to you not only when he’s drunk, but also when he’s sober. He tries to gaslight you and make you think that your totally valid opinions are wrong and insane. He sounds emotionally abusive, I say get out of that relationship.

  17. I’m really confused by your letter. In the begining you say “he always tells me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s seen in real life”, but then a paragraph or 2 later you say “he’s admitted to me he sees plenty of other girls he thinks are prettier than me and that he fantasizes about them and would like to have sex with them”
    Ummm… That’s fucked up.

    The things your boyfriend are doing and saying are fucked up. He’s not a nice guy. A nice guy doesn’t get drunk, call you names and then deny it. A nice guy doesn’t tell you that he fantasizes about having sex with other girls. If those are the qualities you think a nice guy has, then you need to meet more people.

  18. LW this guy is disrespecting you….i might forgive a guy once for checking out someone while i was standing beside them (still not cool, but everyone can mess up once), but once you tell them you don’t like it and they still do it….he is saying loud and clear how he feels about your feelings….its normal for people to see attractive people and yes even fantasize about them, but the fact your boyfriend told you this is just ignorant….if it was me i would leave the guy, its not worth it to be continuously disrespected for the times when yes he does say nice things to you and treat you well

  19. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

    Letters like these are textbook. I dunno. Could this be any more obvious!? C’mon!!

  20. I wish letter writers would stop putting all of these lies at the begining of their letters to give us a reason to tell them that it is ok to stay with him. I mean seriously I find it hilarious that in this letter she says that he tells her that she is the most beautiful girl he has seen in real life, to saying that he checks out plenty of girls, and tells her that they are better looking then she is. STOP MAKING UP LIES ABOUT HOW GREAT YOUR DICKHEAD BOYFRIEND IS!

    1. Oh, and just because he starts to cry doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. Like these wonderful people said yesterday, it doesn’t have to be a mutual decision to break up with somebody.

    2. In this particular case, he probably is telling her she’ s the most beautiful girl in the world. He’s messing with her head & that’s why the letter is confused. But yeah, “you’re the most beautiful” + “others are more beautiful” does not compute.

    3. Ha, that last sentence is cracking me up. Listen to bagge72, ladies!

  21. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

    For far too many LWs, words speak louder than actions. Treating them like absolute shit is a-okay…so long as repeatedly You tell them that they are “the most beautiful girl in the world.” Um, really? Are you REALLY this fucking clueless? Yes. Apparently so.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      Oh, I would just like to say that for a good hour this comment of yours had 4 likes and mine directly blow had 2. But as of 11:58 ET yours has 11 and mine has 14, boom! (Um, not that it’s a competiton, not that I pay attention to these things, not that I’m obsessed about likes, or beating you, not that anyone “beats” anyone, no, nothing, just making an observation, geez, relax.)

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        11:59 ET, my comment below has 15 likes, your still has only 11…. Again, relax, I’m just sayin’.

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        12:00 ET, my comment below has 16 likes, yours has 12 now. (Confession, I liked mine just to maintain my 4 like lead.)

      3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        But again, relax, this doesn’t mean your comment was bad. It was very good. You need to have more confidence in your comments, BGM.

      4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        12:03 ET, my comment below has 17 points, giving me a whoppin’ FIVE like lead. Again, it’s nothing but a number, my friend. You should not place so much importance on others’ likes.

      5. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        * Oh weird slip up, I meant I have 17 “likes,” not “points.” There are no “points” on DW, silly. Because this is not a game. We are not competing. You need to fucking relax!

        (I took Wendy’s advice and spiked my coffe.)

      6. You guys are even!! 20 each!

      7. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Are you fucking kidding me?! This is hogwash.

        Also, I can’t see likes anymore – just the “GD Star Rating” – Le sigh.

      8. I don’t have the GD Star Rating message yet. You have 22 and he has 23 right now. I guess it will all be GD Star Rating soon…

      9. Interesting, at 121 comments? Mine usually happens at around 190…

      10. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        The thumbs are working again! Thank god. Otherwise, what’s the point in even reading DW, you know??

  22. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    It sounds like he gets mean not just when he’s drunk. “…and he’s admitted to me he sees plenty of other girls he thinks are prettier than me and that he fantasizes about them and would like to have sex with them” <—- that is not nice at all. People shouldn't say those things to their friends, let alone those they are allegedly in love with and want to spend the rest of their life with. It would be mean to say that to a stranger! "Oh hey, guy on the the street. See those other guys on the street over there? They are better looking than you." Why? That's mean. You're dating a mean bully, LW.

    1. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

      I am now up by 3…. 😉

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        6:23 ET – tie at 27.

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        6:40 ET the next day – tie at 33.

  23. Your so-called boyfriend is a manipulative liar and a mean drunk. Is that really all the better you deserve? Dump him, raise your standards, and consider this a valuable learning experience in the value of actions rather than words.

  24. Sue Jones says:

    RED FLAG! Mean drunks are a red flag of an abuser. Get out. MOA. Can you imagine marrying this guy. 10 years out – he’s drunk all the time and mean and abusive as hell, he cheats on you with other women and it gets physical. It always starts this way. You do not want to marry an irresponsible (takes no responsibility for his actions) alcoholic.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      When I get drunk, I profess to be in LOVE with EVERYONE, and I get very touchy feely; I down right cannot keep my hands to myself. Red flag of a slut, eh? I knew it!

      1. I sit in the corner and giggle. What does that make me?

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        Nobody puts othy in a corner.

      3. Sue Jones says:

        Alcohol releases inhibitions and brings out your true loving nature, AP. Alcohol brings out LW’s BF’s true mean nature.

      4. Meh, I don’t believe in this “alcohol brings out your true nature” myth. For many people, alcohol has such a profound effect on their brain chemistry that it actually changes their personality. My husband was the sweetest guy with the softest heart of any man I’ve ever known. But when he was drinking, he was capable of saying the vilest shit imaginable. When he sobered up, he was invariably horrified by what he’d said and done. IMO this kind of a profound personality change while drinking is one of the hallmarks of an alcoholic, but that’s just my opinion based on a sample size of <50 people, so take it however you like.

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        I think its a bit of both. Like, if I’m already in a grumpy mood, don’t let me drink, because I’ll be the angry drunk. But if I’m in a regular or good mood, I’ll be my usual happy drunk. But I’ve said things while drunk (good and bad) that I definitely don’t mean.

  25. landygirl says:

    Dump him and be done with it.

  26. Lily in NYC says:

    This guy is either already cheating on you or he will be soon. End of story. Now it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay with someone who has no respect for you or to be strong, move on and find someone that treats you better (or just enjoy being single for a while – you know you don’t need a man to be happy and fulfilled). Sure, he is good at sweet-talking you. But he is only doing it to keep you on the hook. I guarantee you there are other women hearing the same exact “you are so beautiful” line he is feeding you. You know what you need to do. Good luck to you.

  27. First off, I have not read any of the comments, so if I am repeating anything, sorry. Second, any time someone is putting you down, or hurting you, and or your self esteem, it is a bad sign. The most important thing I think you said was “I’m hurting more than happy” . You know this is not right. You know this man is not good for you. You need to get out of this relationship asap. Read your letter, he is mean when drunk, he doesn’t remember what he said. This is a big red flag. If he cannot handle his alcohol consumption, or is getting to the point of blacking out this is no good. Plus he is being berbally abusive. He may, if he hasn’t already, become physically abusive while drunk. Then he is telling you he wants to sleep with other people bc they are prettier then you. And now he is basically obsessed with a co-worker, and blows you off about your feelings making you feel crazy. All of this signs are pointing to an abusive person who doesn’t care about your well being. No one should be putting you down, making you think you’re crazy, and doing all the things he done. And the crying, begging you not to leave, he is just trying to lure you in even more. Run away from this guy, don’t walk. And see a therapist to figure out why you feel like you deserve this, and accept yourself to be treated this way. All the signs are there, and you are falling into the same abusive pattern of your last relationship.

  28. Avatar photo veritek33 says:

    You can do better. Don’t put up with this foolishness. MOA and find another guy that will tell you you’re beautiful and won’t be an asshat the rest of the time.

  29. I just want to add, LW, please do not make your previous abusive relationship the standard on which you base your decision whether to MOA or not. As in, “hey, my BF might be mean when he’s drunk, but at least he doesn’t hit/harass/whatever-your-abusive-ex-did me like my ex used to”.

  30. Wonderland13 says:

    I think perhaps your past history with an abusive relationship is clouding your perception of this relationship, in that you’re saying “He’s so much better than my ex”, but from an objective point of view, this guy is mean when he drinks (which means he has those thoughts/anger inside him and booze just lets it come out), and he tried to convince you that you were seeing things when he was being disrespectful and rude to you (sober). These things might not be as bad as your abusive ex, but they certainly are not characteristics of a guy worth your time.

    Channel the confidence and inner fight you had to leave your last relationship and realize that this guy doesn’t meet the basic standards of a person worth your time. Don’t let him convince you that he’ll “try” and he’ll “change” because he will have no impetus to do so if there’s no consequence. The tears he’ll cry are a consequence for him of not dealing with issue; maybe some hurt will cause him to take a look at himself and get some help.

    Regardless of your past, and the fact you worry about silly things (we all do) and aren’t perfect (none of us are), you are worthy of a man who is respectful, honest and would never think to be mean to you.

  31. Instead of taking a break, you should dump his ass LW. Just FYI, in a healthy, monogamous relationship, your partner doesn’t tell you that he thinks plenty of other girls are prettier than you and he would like to have sex with them. Learn to love yourself better because you need to aim higher for your future relationships.

  32. Avatar photo lemongrass says:

    MOA. Raise your expectations of how you should be treated and don’t allow people to treat you this way. That is your choice! You need to take control of your life. This guy treats you like crap because you let him. When he says that he’ll do anything for you- he’s lying. Otherwise he wouldn’t drink and verbally abuse you or he would not tell you how he wants to bang other women.

  33. So I’m going to start with the checking out other girls in front of you. The biggest issue for me isn’t the noticing someone is attractive, its the commenting to you about the girl being prettier than you or him wanting to have sex with her. That is a comment specifically designed by him to ruin your self esteem. It puts him in a position of control; look how lucky you are he’s with you when there are so many other girls better than you. Ewwwww.

    I mean sure, I notice in public when someone’s cute. (Though I notice more great hair or really cute eye makeup) And my boyfriend and I definitely share who we find attractive, but more with celebrities. I think there’s a big difference between “Oh wow would I do Tom Hardy in a heart beat.” or “I’m leaving you for Idris” versus an actual human being you encounter in person. (Side note, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me to see pacific rim and I’m like “My love for neither you nor Idris is that strong. Go with your brothers”)

    Side note 2: My boyfriend catches me “checking people out” in public all the time, except I’m not checking the person out, I’m checking the clothes out. I’ll be looking somewhere other than him and he’ll say “Is it shoes or a cute outfit?” I need to work on that, because it is creepy. But I just like the shoes!

    Your boyfriend’s blatant lack of respect for you means you need to leave him. It is disgusting and degrading both to you and to the poor women who have to put up with his creepily leering at them all night.

    Now I want to talk about the second issue. The first issue is I think enough to leave him over, but I do want to talk about the drunk and mean thing.

    I am a mean drunk. I am a mean ass drunk. Not every time I drink. Generally, red wine makes me want to cuddle, and vodka makes me want to dance. But, sometimes, when I am both drunk and very tired, I turn into a mean, mean sleepy drunk. I tell my boyfriend he’s mean and condescending and to stop patronizing me. I also pick fights.

    Couple of things:
    1. It is something I know is true. Since it first started happening this year (a new development in how I react to alcohol specifically when I’m very tired), I’ve tried to avoid alcohol in certain situations, or to limit myself to wine with dinner but nothing after 9 pm so the “Morgan is drunk and half asleep and mean” situation can’t happen.

    2. I apologize like hell every time it happens. I don’t deny it.

    3. Generally it is all very dumb. I’ll fall asleep watching a movie, my boyfriend will wake me up at the end to go to bed, and I won’t want to get up and take my contacts out. He’ll tell me to take my contacts out, and I’ll tell him to “stop being so condescending, god”. (I actually do that sober too. I’m just a little meaner when I’m drunk).

    If the things he says drunk are making you think of your previous abusive relationship, I’m going to guess your drunk fights/the things he says are over something more serious than one of you being too lazy to take out your contact lenses before you go to bed.

    1. My boyfriend is like you with the sleepy thing— he gets INCREDIBLY cranky if we, say, fall asleep on the couch, & then I wake up & try to tell him he needs to get up, brush his teeth, take out his contacts, & come to bed with me (I do this because he ~also~ gets cranky upon waking up in the morning on the couch, & realizing he never brushed his teeth/took out contacts, etc. Also, I hate sleeping on the couch, & I like to cuddle him so it’s not like I wanna leave him there 😉 )

      But anyway, yeah. Some people are just cranky when woken up. He’ll say things like, “leave me alooone” “In a few minutes…IN A FEW MINUTES” “UGH FINE” ::gets up, brow furrowed, glaring at me:: He’s apologetic even by the time he gets to bed, though.

      1. You may be dating me. That is my routine. I really need to learn I can’t lay down after about 10 PM without falling asleep.

    2. You know you can get contacts that you can sleep in. Just sayin.’ 😉

      1. Oh, lord. My eye doctor made me watch a video on his fancy little iPad about those.

      2. Ooh, ooh, can I tell a story? ( I feel like AP right now, haha)

        My SIL, at age 13 or 14, apparently never took out her contacts. For maybe, 2, 3 months? So, one day, she decided, “I should take these out” ONLY, when she tried to…they wouldn’t un-stick from her eyeballs. She wound up having to go to the eye doctor, who used a tweezer-like instrument to pull her lenses out .01 millimeter by .01 millimeter, while incrementally squeezing eye drops in, until they were totally unpeeled from her eye (& there was a ridge that formed on her eyeball, because the cells had started to grow around the contacts)

        Moral: don’t sleep in your contacts 😉

  34. painted_lady says:

    Question, LW. Do things worry you in your relationship more than you think they should, or more than your boyfriend says they should? Or can you tell the difference? Because if it’s more than your boyfriend thinks they should, then you need to dump him for someone who lets you make your own decisions about your feelings rather than telling you that this is your problem because he doesn’t like them. If you can’t tell the difference? Dump your boyfriend, get in counseling, and don’t date anyone until you know how to trust yourself again. And if it’s just you? Dump his ass anyway, because even if your worries and fears are out of hand, a good partner would not make you feel badly for listening to yourself but rather would do his best – whether through his actions or encouraging you to get counseling rather than making you feel like shit – to keep those fears at bay.

    This whole making you feel crazy thing? Telling you – unprompted, I assume, not fair if you’re badgering him into it – that he finds women more attractive and would like to have sex with them? Checking another woman out and telling you you’re imagining it? Being cruel when drunk and denying he remembers it but continuing to drink? This shit is textbook emotional abuse. The alarm bells that are going off in your head aren’t because of your hypersensitivity and irrationality due to your abusive relationship before; it’s because you know what abuse looks like now, and you trust yourself so little that you aren’t listening to it.

    Abuse can do a number on your head. It can make you paranoid and untrusting, it can make you see danger where there isn’t. But mostly what it does is convince you that any emotion you have that might make life difficult for someone else is wrong. It teaches you not to trust that voice in your head that says, “This is wrong. This isn’t okay. I need this to stop.” You need to learn to listen to that voice again. You need to learn that people who are angry or scornful of your pain are not good people. You need to learn that hurting you isn’t okay.

    1. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

      OMG yes to your entire first paragraph. I’ve wanted to comment all morning but didn’t how how to put my thoughts into words, and you’ve done it. Even if she is irrational, she will meet a guy that will understand what she’s been through and make sure that he never makes her feel bad or unsafe or unloved or second best.

      Gosh and your 3rd paragraph is great too. You are my thought soul sister today.

      1. painted_lady says:


    2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      “The alarm bells that are going off in your head aren’t because of your hypersensitivity and irrationality due to your abusive relationship before; it’s because you know what abuse looks like now, and you trust yourself so little that you aren’t listening to it.”

      YES. LW, listen to yourself!!

    3. Yes to all of this.

      LW, you’re having trouble trusting this guy because he’s not someone who should be trusted. It’s not because you are being irrational.

    4. A thousand yes to this. At the beginning of my relationship with my now BF of two years, I’d have doubts over things that bother me in our relationship. I wasn’t sure whether the things I was worried about would normally warrant a serious thinking over/talking to, or, I was just being too sensitive due to my bad relationship with a horrible, horrible, ex before.

  35. Older and (hopefully) wiser says:

    LW– Did you really think this community was going to advise you to stay with a mean alcoholic boyfriend who tells you he wants to sleep with other women? Have you ever read this column before?

  36. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    Honey, a BF who is the “greatest guy in the world” does not get drunk and angry and does not comment about wanting to sleep with other women to the point it makes you want to take a break.

    I think you’re falling back into the abuse cycle. He’s treating you like shit then claiming to either a-claiming to not remember or b- apologize profusely and profess his love. He’s making you feel like you’re the one with the problem, when HE clearly is. Getting angry when drunk is a VERY bad sign. Don’t take a break, dump him. Block his number, facebook, e-mail, everything.

    1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      Also, it’s a big problem to hurt your partner, apologize and beg for their forgiveness, and then do the same damn thing again the next day. Most people would take steps to avoid hurting their partner again, to learn and grow- abusers never change their behavior and do it over and over again, the same song and dance. Promising to change, not changing, apologizing profusely giving the “pitty poor little me” rant…It’s a really sick cycle.

    2. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

      I heard a quote one time that said (more eloquently) “the best apology for past actions is improved future actions” and it has really left an impression on me. People show their apologies by their actions. If someone makes the same mistake over and over again they were never sorry about it in the first place. I know during that 4 month escalating period with Ethan he would always apologize for his drunk behavior. But I never really believed it because then he would do it again. It becomes a broken record of broken promises and you just want to quit listening too.

      1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Yup. My abusive ex did it all the time. Got drunk, got mean and violent, the next day cry and apologize and say no one would ever love me (or him depending on the day). A few days later he’d get mean and violent again. His apologies lost all value, and I started accepting it was just how my life was to be because I was so fucking beat down (physically and mentally). Thank goodness I got out of there. And thank goodness you did too.

      2. Ohh that’s a good line. I’ll have to save that one for you-know-who, because his insincere apologies are one thing I’m really tired of putting up with.

  37. findingtheearth says:

    You need to MOA.

    It is completely normal to find another person attractive, even when you are a part of a couple.

    You do not advertise that to your significant other, though and put your significant other down. That is rude rude rude.

    There is some sort of lacuna in society where people profess love for their SO and how awesome they are, and then believe it is acceptable to treat them horribly. It’s not cool. You are better than that and deserve better than that.

    Also, if you are struggling with a past abusive relationship, it may be beneficial for you to get some sort of help, either through therapy or counseling. There are a lot of support groups for persons who have been abused, and it might help you see clearer in relationships.

  38. Actions matter. Words don’t. MOA.

  39. I know this relationship might feel like an upgrade compared to your past abusive relationship, but it’s really not. You are not being treated well, and that’s why you’re unhappy. Whether or not this guy is treating you less terribly than the previous butthole shouldn’t be relevant. It’s not like a career where you have to endure some crappy situations before you work or earn your way to a better positions. You deserve to be treated respectfully and with love right now. You’ve earned that just by being a person.

    This guy is definitely gaslighting you (as SasLinna mentioned) which is not “good guy” behavior. He’s telling you he doesn’t remember his bad behavior because that relieves him of taking responsibility for that behavior. And you’re letting him. Every day you stay in a relationship with this person, you are telling him that you expect to be treating exactly like how he’s been treating you.

    It is YOUR responsibility to know your worth and find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. If you can’t get to where you need to be mentally/self-esteem-wise to see that this situation is a.) your choice and b.) unhealthy, then you need to find a professional mental health care worker who can help you.

  40. He’s a mean drunk who keeps disparaging you after you’ve told him it hurts you. He’s a mean drunk who either brushes off the emotional crap he dumps on you when he’s drinking or tries to convince you he never said what he said. You are a woman fresh out of one abusive relationship and right into another.

    What should you do?

    First: Leave him and don’t go back to him. Ever. Don’t let his tears or his claims of loving you sway you. If he loved you, he wouldn’t treat you the way he has. The tears and “I love you’s” are just manipulation. Don’t let yourself be manipulated this way.

    Next: If you can afford to do so, get another job so you don’t have to deal with this guy once you leave him. If you can’t afford to do so, ask your supervisor if there’s anyway you can work at a different time/shift/work station so you don’t have to be around this guy. Don’t go into details as to why, just say there’s a personality conflict and you’d much rather not work with him if possible. If it’s not possible, just have as little contact with him at work when you are together and keep things on a professional level only.

    Finally and most important: Go and get some sort of emotional support – a therapist, a support group, a counselor – so that you don’t repeat this cycle. One place that can help is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233 – available 24/7). Another place that can help in terms of learning how to deal with a loved one who is an alcoholic is Al-Anon (888-425-2666 – available 8:00 – 6:00 M-F). These hotlines are free, and they can get you in touch with resources in your area that can help you deal with what you’ve experienced, no matter what type of abuse you may have been through.

    It’s one thing to be hurt and abused. It’s another to let yourself be hurt and abused. And right now, by staying in this relationship, you’re letting yourself be hurt and abused by this guy. Don’t let him hurt you and don’t hurt yourself any longer.


  41. Honey, this guy is an ASS. Plain and simple. For your own benefit, I beg you, dump him. It sounds like the two of you work together, which does make things a bit more complicated, but it CAN be done.

    This guy is manipulative, as you’ve seen. Tell him it’s over, and when he starts the tears, walk away. Do not engage when he tries to “reason” with you. He’s been trying to “gaslight” you and has been manipulating you.

    You admit that you were in an abusive relationship before. Sweetie, a lot of us have been there. The best way to break the cycle is to stop hopping on the damned bike in the first place.
    Don’t date for a while. I don’t know if you can afford therapy, but there are support groups who could help you in the aftermath of the abusive relationship which could very well help you see yourself in a better, different light.

    My ultimate advice – don’t date for a while. Not a month or two break, but a 6-12 month minimum. This will help you figure yourself out.
    You can do better. This guy has found the best he’ll ever get, but it isn’t your responsibility to stay with him because of that.

  42. melancholia says:

    “Before him, I was in an abusive relationship, so trusting someone is very hard for me. He typically is very patient with me when I worry about silly things, and he does his best to make me feel secure. But things started going downhill once we went on vacation earlier in the summer — I found out he gets mean when he drinks. He either apologizes after I tell him what he’s said, or he tells me he definitely didn’t say those things/doesn’t remember saying them, which makes me feel like he thinks I’m crazy and make things up.

    I also noticed him checking out other girls, and he’s admitted to me he sees plenty of other girls he thinks are prettier than me and that he fantasizes about them and would like to have sex with them. A new girl started at the restaurant where we work and she’s your typical tan, bleach-blonde, skinny type; he literally can’t take his eyes off her. When I brought it up to him how it hurts me when he stares at her all night while barely saying a word to me, he got upset and told me I was making it up. I decided to forget about it, but tonight he caught me watching him check out her behind, and yet he still denied he checks her out.

    He says he loves me and would do anything for me. When I mentioned taking a break, he got upset to the point of tears and begged me to stay with him. But lately I’m more hurt than happy in our relationship. What should I do?”

    I’m sorry, LW but it seems you have found yourself in another abusive relationship. Re-read your post and be honest with yourself. Have more compassion for the woman that you are and remind yourself that you deserve better. Just because he tells you, you’re beautiful and tells his friends he could marry you one day, does not give him the right to disrespect you at ANY time, whether he is sober or not. You know that abuse is a cycle. End it now and save yourself the trauma of worsening behavior and deeper heartache.

    You deserve better. You need to start telling yourself that until you believe it for yourself. Good luck. I hope all the best for you in the future.

  43. How can you be the most beautiful girl he’s ever met when there are dozens of girls prettier than you who he’d like to fuck? Just a question to ask him next time.

    Or rather, there shouldn’t be a next time, because this guy doesn’t care about you and you need to stop wasting your time on him. There are better men out there. Spend your time finding one of them so you can be happy instead of sad.

  44. Crazy in Love says:

    He is a user and an abuser. Obviously an alcoholic who is immature and irresponsible. You would be doing yourself a favor to let this loser go. Find someone who will be loyal and true to you in their thoughts and actions.

  45. Talk to him about how you feel. The conversation will be your answer. I understand. Don’t waste your precious life with someone who makes you feel bad.

  46. Bubbles — How strange! This post is over 8 years old. Talk to him? She already tried that. It was time for her to escape from him 8 years ago. Hopefully, she is long gone.

  47. Bittergaymark says:

    Eh, they’re probably still together… only now they have six kids.? ??‍♂️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *