In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
Love language-wise, I’m definitely a physical and verbal person. I come from a very affectionate family and grew up with lots of hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s.” From early on, I’ve known Aaron to be less affectionate than I and work to feel loved by him in many other ways. However, I often end up feeling like he’s just a roommate instead of my lover. Naturally, the initial intensity at the beginning of the relationship fades, but it seems like Aaron has lost sexual interest in me. He claims that this isn’t the case, but when I try to initiate sex or ask if he is interested, he often says he is too tired or that his stomach is full and he’s uncomfortable. He’ll give similar reasons of not having the energy when I ask to snuggle and talk before bed. If I wait for him to initiate, we end up having sex once every two or so weeks. He’ll often get defensive when I try to talk with him about my needs for physical love/affection. I am thankful though for the fact that he does hold me every night while we sleep, so it’s not like I’m completely without physical contact.
I’ve tried to talk with him about what I can do to help or what we can do together to make things better. I’m concerned about his physical and mental health; he’s gained quite a bit of weight since we first started dating, and he has lots of stress from work in addition to a stressful relationship with his family. He says he doesn’t have time to go to a therapist or to see a doctor and that he will work on losing weight when he is less busy, but that never happens.
I’m at a loss about what to do. I want things to work out, but I’m not certain if I can continue indefinitely in a relationship where my partner isn’t capable of providing physical love and affection. Does this situation seem like it could possibly change? Do you or your readers have any suggestions? — Speaking Different Love Languages
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.