I’m a reasonable person, and I love him more than anything, so we ended up making a deal. If he felt like he needed to experience another person, I was open to it provided the following rules were met: He had to reasonably know the person, no strangers; he had to let me know around the time he planned on being with them; he used protection; and it was only one time, until further discussion. Everything went back to normal and he never spoke to me about taking advantage of the deal.
One year ago I discovered that he had created another email address–he gives me the passwords for every account he has, except this one, since I’m at home to take care of business–solely for the purpose of contacting people again from the same types of ads. I was extremely upset and told him that I couldn’t understand why he felt he had to contact these people and keep it secret from me when a perfectly acceptable deal was available to him. I was hurt and betrayed — not that he felt like he might want someone else, but that he was going behind my back to do it when he simply had to tell me. During the conversations we had following that, I told him that, if he ever did it again, I was going to leave. I won’t turn a blind eye to it.
In the last six months or so, we have spoken more about the deal and he told me he might have someone in mind. Then about two weeks ago I went to a camp-out with the kids and, since he worked late, he had the night to himself. We spoke briefly that night and then again in the morning. He told me he had had a hard time sleeping and had ended up going for a long drive, then falling asleep around 5 a.m. After he got home that night, I checked his phone (like I do every night since he is terrible at returning clients’ messages) and saw fifteen or so random numbers that he had texted or called. One number in particular had been messaged a total of twenty-one times, but the messages had all been erased. These messages took place from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. I called the number and got no answer, but a few seconds later got a text saying that she was “available, but not until she gets in town in a few minutes.” I decided to go with it and asked if we could meet up. She responded simply with “Sure, how long?” Didn’t ask for a location, or a name, leading me to believe she knew who he was and they already had a location.
I left the messages up on his screen so that he would see them the next morning and then waited for him to say something to me about it. Two days later I finally broke down and told him I knew, that I had been waiting for him to come to me. I told him that he needed to leave so that I could have space to figure out what I am going to do, but he said that he didn’t have anywhere he could go, so he has been staying in the garage. I’m at a loss as to what to do. Do I throw away fifteen-plus years, or do I stay and become the fool? If I stay, is there any way to get the trust back? If I leave, how do we break it to the kids? I’ve been in a daze for the past few weeks, but he has been acting like it’s no big deal. I feel like a fool for even considering staying….but I love him more than anything and I waited to marry him because I do not like divorces and never wanted to have one. Any advice may help me in my decision! — Don’t Want to Be A Fool
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].