In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
I am currently dating and falling in love with a felon. He is funny, cute, smart, and we get along together like peanut butter and jelly. Unfortunately, he has told me he has a bad record. He is a felon with not just one, but four felonies, one being serious, plus multiple misdemeanors. This is the second guy I have fallen for with a criminal background and I don’t know how I should handle it. He is currently attending school to be a veterinary technician and said he is able to get a job in that field regardless of his background, but I am not convinced. I’m worried about our future together. I love everything about him, but I know already my friends and family will not accept him with this background and they would tell me I need to get out of this toxic relationship. Should I stay for the long haul and jump the hurdles with him or flee and never look back? — Felon in Love
TECH March 7, 2012, 9:16 am
The big detail you left out in your letter is, what crimes was he convicted of? How long ago were they? Has he you given you explanations for why he committed the crimes, and is it something he’s worked through?
I have experience dating someone with a criminal background. In his late teens and early twenties, he had (relatively) minor offenses like domestic assault, etc and had an issue with drugs. I thought (or maybe wanted to convince myself) that this was something he had worked through. Needless to say we broke up, and out of curiousity, I looked his name up recently and his criminal record got out of control after we broke up — several felonies.
Of course, my experience is not your experience. But the bottom line is this, people with criminal records (especially felonies) have blatant disrespect for other people and their communities. I’m afraid his disrespect might translate to you sooner rather than later.
You also mentioned in your letter that this is the second man you’ve fallen in love with who has a criminal record. It’s worth examining why! Why are you drawn to men with bad pasts, men who may need your help? This relationship is still new. The basic question you asked is, should you stay or should you go? And Letter Writer, I think you should go. Try to get to the root of why you fall in love with “bad boys” and then find someone you can trust.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 9:21 am
“minor offenses like domestic assault”
Lili March 7, 2012, 1:09 pm
THIS. Exactly my response after reading this letter. Seriously, even if its not what we are all thinking (him beating his GF) its still not minor that he resorted to violence.
GatorGirl March 7, 2012, 9:21 am
I don’t know that I would classify domestic assult as a minor offense…
bethany March 7, 2012, 9:44 am
Maybe it was something like getting into a fight with your brother over a football game and someone called the cops. Not all somestic assault has to be violence against women, does it?
(not really sure why I’m defending assault… but just thought it shoudl be noted)
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 9:52 am
Could be he pushed his grandpa down the stairs too…just sayin’
GatorGirl March 7, 2012, 10:27 am
I agree- it could be any number of things. But getting in a physical altercation with anyone, male or female, that results in the cops being called AND getting a conviction is not okay in my book. I don’t care what the reason is…physical violence is not acceptable in any situation.
rolling eyeballs March 8, 2012, 11:05 am
“I don’t care what the reason is…physical violence is not acceptable in any situation. ”
Defending yourself. Defending your child. Defending your nation. Etc.
Skyblossom March 7, 2012, 10:49 am
I’d have to ask where she hangs out that she meets felons? I think she needs to find new places to go and new people to see.
cporoski March 7, 2012, 12:14 pm
I don’t think you can catagorically say that criminal records mean blatant disrespct for other people and communities. Some things that are illegal aren’t always immoral. Like we said above, she hasn’t said the crimes.
vizslalvr March 7, 2012, 2:47 pm
In every situation I’ve seen (many), for a domestic violence incident to be deemed a felony, the person either a) has a misdemeanor history of DV that counts as priors or b) the incident was in fact SERIOUS.
FireStar March 7, 2012, 9:19 am
Colour me crazy but if it is a felony then it is serious – which means all four are serious. Lord only knows where you are drawing the line to make one really serious. You know that being with him means a potential life time of restrictions – what you can and can’t do – maybe where you can or can’t live. You know your family and friends will not accept him. You know that he is capable of whatever those four felonies total up to – and that he repeat offends. It’s troubling that you find yourself with your second criminal love interest – why is that? Maybe some time with a therapist to understand that would be key before you make up your mind. Ultimately the choice is yours – go in with eyes wide open. But if you are asking if it a good idea? The answer does not sound like yes.
jaybro March 7, 2012, 12:17 pm
I definitely second the seeing the therapist in order to understand her attraction to the bad boys. Understanding why she’s drawn to a person like that would help her make the decision of if she should stick it through or just MOA.
britannia March 7, 2012, 2:04 pm
You’re making the assumption that she is always attracted to bad boys. That could very well NOT be the case; it sounds like this guy is the first felon she has wanted to date.
britannia March 7, 2012, 2:12 pm
I just re-read that it’s her second one, but this does not constitute a pattern. Maybe she lives in an area where there is a high concentration of felons; maybe she just, on an off chance, really has met two very nice guys who happen to have priors.
AndreaMarie March 7, 2012, 3:18 pm
I thought the same thing. It’s not like he got busted with some weed. Felons include assault with a deadly weapon, armed robbery, rape/attempted rape, murder/attempted murder…yikes…
MarkD March 9, 2012, 11:55 am
Is this felony distribution of copyrighted material? The felony of lying to a Federal Agent? Contempt of Congress? A convicted sex offender – as in a 19 year old with a 17 year old?
Or are we talking drug dealing, grand larceny, assault, pedophilia, rape or things that are universally agreed to be serious crimes?
It’s probably not worth the pain to be involved with someone who is going to have serious problems his entire life, even if the felonies were of the first sort above. (If you’re not guilty of contempt of Congress in the less formal sense, then you’re not paying attention, but I digress.) If they are the second sort (serious felonies?) you had best run, fast and far. This time it won’t be different. It never is.
leilani March 7, 2012, 9:25 am
Personally, I would not want to sign up for this unless the connection I felt with the guy was crazy amazing–like, a once-in-a-lifetime type thing. This could really hinder future opportunities and make life a lot harder than it needs to be.
But aside from that, I would worry about what the fact that he has committed multiple felonies says about his character. I definitely don’t think that committing a crime makes you a bad person, or that you can’t learn from your mistakes. At the same time, for me it would depend on what the crimes he committed were, why he committed them, and what was stopping him from doing the same thing in the future.
MissDre March 7, 2012, 9:29 am
I think a lot of LWs feel like their connection with someone is a “crazy amazing-like, once-in-a-lifetime type thing” otherwise they wouldn’t stick around when this person does something incredibly stupid and/or disrespectful.
Nadine March 7, 2012, 9:48 am
leilani March 7, 2012, 9:57 am
I agree. I was just trying to express that for me, this would be a dealbreaker from the beginning. Someone would have to be pretttttty special for me to even begin to second-guess that.
Jessibel March 7, 2012, 12:25 pm
Yeah, and the thing about “crazy amazing-like, once in a lifetime” type connections is that often they happen more than once.
kerrycontrary March 7, 2012, 9:25 am
1) Please read the essay from last week about being married to someone in prison, because that most likely will be you if you marry this guy. Especially because they are felonies. And it won’t be for a couple of years. It will be for a long, long, time. Everyone please correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought after 3 felonies you got life in prison?
2) Repeat after me: I can find someone who I love, and loves me, that does not have a criminal record.
3) If these felonies are for violent crimes you need to run now.
camille905 March 7, 2012, 9:38 am
It depends on what state you live in on how many felonies get you life in prison. I think California has a “3 strikes” rule. I’m not sure about others.
savannah March 7, 2012, 9:47 am
wiki says about half- 24 states have these 3 strikes rules but some of them count only violent felonies, while others count all felonies.
cporoski March 7, 2012, 12:17 pm
But then NJ does not have a different between felonies of misdemenors. it is in categories.
Ramona April 3, 2017, 8:54 pm
I work in a rehab, having three felonies or more where I live is not life in prison. Felonies can be having three DUIs, or failing to pay child support, or dropping dirty on probation that you haven’t violated in four years, but decided to have a drink to celebrate a happy occasion. There are of course many felonies that are serious, and some that I feel can be looked past.
JK March 7, 2012, 9:28 am
How is a guy with a record like this on the street?
I had to look up felonies, to be sure what exactly that encompassed (I don´t live in the US). The only one I found that I might be OK living with is vandalism of a federal building. The others? No chance.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 9:37 am
What are you saying JK? Its ok to just spray paint your name all over the White House? What kind of a person are you? 🙂
JK March 7, 2012, 9:38 am
A filthy foreign person!!!!
rainbow March 7, 2012, 11:31 am
I looked it up too. Four counts of vandalism of a federal building sounds pretty sexy to me (bring on the punky terrorists!), but in any other case I think this is a very bad idea.
JK March 7, 2012, 11:32 am
Maybe argies are just into anarchy 😀
Caris March 7, 2012, 8:01 pm
yes, yes we are 😀
Guy Friday March 7, 2012, 11:54 am
To respond to you (and to other people who are taken aback by the four felonies), I suspect if you try to look up felonies, you’re only going to see crimes where the BASELINE is as a felony. But most crimes aren’t like that; there are gradients where it’s a higher or lower crime based on certain elements (ex: theft, where the class of the crime is dependent on the value of items taken). And, most importantly, there are many crimes for which the first offense is a traffic ticket, while the second offense is a misdemeanor, and the third is a felony. So the fact that he has four felonies isn’t necessarily indicative of a lifetime criminal, because a lot of it is going to depend on the context of these crimes (i.e., when, what, and how)
I don’t think I have to illustrate examples of situations where it’s a serious problem; you guys have used your imaginations well thus far 🙂 So let me give an example where the context may indicate it isn’t as serious an issue in the present as the vagueness of the original letter might lead you to believe. Keep in mind that in Wisconsin possession of marijuana is a misdemeanor offense the first time, and a felony offense any additional time:
-Kid gets caught at 17 (which is the youngest age here where you can charge straight up as an adult) with a bong and a baggie of weed.
Kid gets charged with Possession of Drug Paraphernalia and Possession of THC. Pleads to both, goes to treatment while the case is pending, gets a fine.
-About a year or two later (we’ll say 20-21 years old), he gets caught again with marijuana, but this time he also has some oxycodone.
-Now he’s charged with Possession of THC with a 2nd and Subsequent penalty enhancer (a felony) and Possession of a Schedule I/II Narcotic (felony). Court orders him to go to a monitoring service for random urine screens while out on bail.
-Since he’s basically being asked to quit cold turkey because he hasn’t been sentenced yet and the Court’s not giving him treatment services, he comes in to monitoring one day after smoking pot and tests positive for THC. The kid admits to having had a bit of marijuana that morning, and openly admits to having a little baggie and a pipe in his pocket. Monitoring service confiscates it, and immediately takes him before the judge (and, yes, that’s what really happens where I practice.)
-Kid stands up before the Court and admits he really screwed up, but begs the Court not to lock him up right away. Court can tell the kid’s sincere, so it raises his cash bail, orders him to show proof of regular attendance at a drug treatment program in return for not being locked up until the end of the case. DA charges a new case against him for Felony Bail Jumping (felony), Possession of THC – 2nd and Subsequent (felony), and Possession of Drug Paraphernalia.
-Kid takes it VERY seriously, and goes to serious treatment, really gets a good handle on his addiction, tests clean for the pendency of the cases, which all get resolved together. DA refuses to accept dropping any of the felony cases because he’s pissed that the kid tested dirty while out on bail, so he makes him plead to all of them, but drops the misdemeanor paraphernalia charge.
-Kid’s still young, made a major life change, and only has the two misdemeanors on his record, so the judge gives him a lengthy prison sentence imposed and stayed for a long period of probation (4-5 years) with 6-9 months of upfront jail time as a punishment. Kid serves his condition time, gets out, and continues to keep a handle on his sobriety, is a model probationee, and completes probation without a hitch.
In that scenario, by the time he turned 23 or so, he’d have 4 felonies and 2 misdemeanors on his record. But by the time he turned 27 or 28, he’d be off probation, been sober for almost 6 years, and could argue that he wasn’t the same man he was when he got those felonies. Would his addiction be something the LW should be concerned about? Sure, the same way you should be concerned about any addiction. But if that was what happened — and that did in fact happen to a guy I represented — would anyone here say that the LW should without hesitation MOA because he clearly isn’t worth being with?
Granted, that’s one example without any knowledge of what his felonies are and what they relate to. I’m just making the point that the fact that he’s a felon isn’t as indicative of future failure as some might think.
JK March 7, 2012, 12:02 pm
Thanks for the clarification! As one of the few non lawyers (and non US citizens) on here it helps a lot!!!
That does show a completely different scenario than the murdering, pillaging thug I´d imagined! 🙂
But, maybe like someone pointed out below, LW didn´t clarify the felonies for us to not tell her to MOA immediately.
cporoski March 7, 2012, 12:49 pm
My last employer did background checks and I would see all sorts of extra charges happen. I once saw a guy who tried to out run a cop when speeding. He was stupid and 17 BTW. He was charged with felonies for evading police. Then there were all these other charges because he resisted arrest like “terroristic threats” which he told the cop to f* off. There were no guns or drugs in the car but he had like 6 different charges against him for essentially thinking he was in dukes of hazzard.
cporoski March 7, 2012, 12:19 pm
Felony drug possession isn’t that big of a deal. Most the criminals in jail are non violent.
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 9:29 am
Wayyyyy too many details are left out of this letter. Like, what did he do, when, and why? I’m assuming the convictions don’t all relate to peaceful protests or trespassing to save a dog trapped in a burning house on … But your answers to those questions *could* excuse a conviction… but four felonies plus multiple misdemeanors? This guy doesn’t seem to have learned his lesson.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 9:37 am
I have to assume that since she left them out, they are pretty severe and she knew we’d give an auto-MOA because of them.
Iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2012, 10:12 am
Exactly my thoughts. Listen LW, everyone loves a project. But paint your bedroom, it can be done in a day and won’t end up in jail.
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 10:31 am
Will you come paint my room, Iwanna? I hate painting. I like the smell of paint, though. And glue and playdoh. They should make playdoh-scented candles. Mmmmm.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 10:34 am
Iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2012, 10:35 am
I love painting. I’m painting my bedroom this weekend actually. I love the smell. And I love the blue lining tape you put up. And oh the smell. Amazing. This is just one of the home improvement projects I’m taking on now that I’m unemployed. You know? It’s not that bad. I get to go to yoga all the time, run outside, paint, refinish coffee tables, make lists – pretty much all of my favorite things I’ve been avoiding for 3 years.
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 10:39 am
That sounds poyfect! You could also spend a lot of time at Whole Foods and go to town on the samples!!!! That’s what I would do. Hell, I do that now.
Iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2012, 10:44 am
Oh man that’s such a good idea, why haven’t I thought of that? I need to go there anyway for some vitamins. What a great lunch idea!
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 10:52 am
Here’s my wise advice: First, swing by the bakery section and take one (or eight) samples of bread. Next, head over to the cheeses (chice? choose? or just cheese?) and fit as many of those cubes of cheese as you can on the toothpick (or eight toothpicks). Finally, go park your ass in the chip isle that is oddly always vacant (stupid health nuts). When you’re done eating, you can buy and eat an entire bag of chips without gaining weight since they’re Whole Food chips. (Right???)
Caris March 7, 2012, 8:11 pm
lol. id totally get more than 8 pieces of cheese btw
Kare March 8, 2012, 12:52 am
Demeter has Playdoh scented perfume. I think they have paint too.
britannia March 7, 2012, 2:11 pm
Uhhh… NO. Since he has multiple arrests, it would have been VERY tedious to write them all out, and everyone would have nitpicked them anyways. Obviously she considers them not-heinous enough to consider dating him, and that’s all that matters. None of us are the “Moral Police” who get to decide what she should consider to be okay or not. Also, he has already served his time. According to the penal system, he now deserves a second chance at life.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 2:24 pm
Obiously she does NOT know whether or not they are heinous enough which is why she wrote this letter! The letter itself was a tedious act, so adding a couple more words like murder, sold drugs or child molester is not asking for too much more.
Why do you have to write with such a bitchy tone (the UHHHHH, NO)? I get you are defensive about this because you say you dated a former felon, but do you honestly think what crimes he committed won’t make a difference in providing a good answer for the LW?!?!
britannia March 7, 2012, 2:34 pm
Obviously she does know. If she doesn’t, she would have said so. And obviously she considers the crimes to be acceptable, because otherwise she wouldn’t be entertaining the idea at all. You’re going directly to “worst case scenario” type convictions instead of opening up to the possibility that there are hundreds of other things this guy could have been put into prison for. 3 to 100’s? I’m betting it’s something NOT so heinous as murder or molestation.
I’m not defensive about it because I dated a felon – which, by the way, I stopped doing because I didn’t consider the additional burdens to trump the love we had. I’m defensive of this person because I know what it’s like to be dating a guy who has actually reformed himself, yet is constantly beaten down by a society made up of pitckfork-wielding, close-minded people. He served his time and from the limited information we have, has been a law-abiding member of society since he got out. Yes, that’s something a convicted felon can do. Any person, as long as they’re not mentally insane, can reform and do a 180*. But if there is the constant knocking-down, redundant chastising, and blind un-acceptance as you are demonstrating, this guy is never going to have the chance to be a productive member of society.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 2:40 pm
I don’t need you to explain that people can redeem themselves. Thanks though.
I guessed that she didn’t share them because they are pretty bad ones. No where in that did I demostrate the BS you are spewing at me.
And maybe you want to actually read the letter to see that she is UNSURE of whether she wants to date a felon! Ughhh.
britannia March 7, 2012, 2:45 pm
Evidently you do, since you’re so unwilling to look beyond his priors. He served his time, therefore he is supposed to get a second chance. That’s what justice and forgiveness is all about.
To her, his past is not an MOA type of thing. From how I read it, she’s far more concerned about how society is going to make things difficult for them to be in a relationship. A problem which you are perpetuating by blindly assuming that a convicted felon is probably a child molester (to put it in a nutshell).
She said that she is dating and falling in love with him. That’s pretty indicative that she’s not just starting out in this relationship.
It seems to be that our methods of reading comprehension are quite different. Hopefully the LW will come back and clarify things for everyone.
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 2:50 pm
Hey read about my green yoga bag!
JK March 7, 2012, 2:52 pm
All the cool kids are doing it. 😀
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 2:56 pm
As a kid when I would see/hear my parents arguing it would make me so upset that I’d put on a tutu or something funny and go dance around them and then in-between them to try to break it up … it would usually end with my dad yelling at me to go outside and play. (It never quite worked.) I feel like that now.
JK March 7, 2012, 3:02 pm
Aww AP that made me sad.
It also reminded me of my parents making me practice the flute outside. 🙁
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 2:41 pm
Yes, but have you been following the adventures of my green yoga bag at facebook.com/GreenYogaBag? That is the real question.
(I’m so good at mediation, aren’t I?)
Addie Pray March 7, 2012, 2:45 pm
And silence. See how effective I was at resolving that dispute? I’m going to look into a career as a mediator.
Lili March 7, 2012, 2:59 pm
I just Liked it!
Caris March 7, 2012, 8:17 pm
Remember the letter where this woman was wondering if she should leave her husband after finding out he was watching child-porn? Apparently for that LW it was not a deal-breaker that her husband was watching child-porn.
“Obviously she considers them not-heinous enough to consider dating him, and that’s all that matters.”
Given what I wrote above, I am not sure if that’s all that matters.
Fabelle March 7, 2012, 9:30 am
Well, first, what are the felonies? I understand not wanting to go into detail, but people have different ideas of what “serious” is. I’d be less concerned with a minor drug charge than some kind of assault, for example, but maybe others feel differently? Also, it matters if these issues are settled already or if there’s still some kind of court battle going on. If they’ve all been resolved one way or another, maybe he could look into getting his record expunged (not a lawyer, in any way, so hopefully others will chime in here…)
“He is currently attending school to be a veterinary technician and said he is able to get a job in that field regardless of his background, but I am not convinced.”
What are you not convinced of? Do you suspect he’s lying, or do you think he’s just being a little too optimistic? If it’s the latter, I’d do a bit of your own research & see if you should be worrying about his future potential to be employed or not. However, if you think he’s lying(about being in school, his desire or ability to get a job, or anything else) then your relationship has more problems than his past felonies.
“…friends and family will not accept him with this background and they would tell me I need to get out of this toxic relationship” Do YOU think the relationship is “toxic”? And if so, is it just because of his criminal background or is he still behaving like a criminal? How does he treat you? A relationship isn’t toxic just because one party in it is a felon.
HOWEVER– because I realize that might sound flippant?– even if his transgressions are all in the past, there are various ways they can come creeping up to affect both him & you. There’s not enough information in your letter for me to say if you should stay or flee– but you do need to consider all of that and weigh it against how good you think the relationship is.
ReginaRey March 7, 2012, 9:30 am
I’m kind of fixated on the part where you said this is the second guy you’ve fallen for who has a criminal background. Is this a coincidence? A self-respect issue where you don’t feel that you’re “worthy” of more from a boyfriend? Are you enticed by “bad boys?”
I don’t mean to pigeonhole you, but I’m just curious as to how you’ve fallen for multiple felons in your lifetime. I can’t say that I’ve knowingly spent any length of time with a serious felon…so where do you meet them?
Listen, I’m not saying a relationship with someone who has a criminal background can’t work out (HoneyBeeNicki, where you at girl?! – This LW needs your advice!), but there are a significant amount of questions to ask yourselves, as well as obstacles to overcome, in order to have a healthy, solid relationship with a past felon.
Such as…has he made significant strides to change his criminal patterns? (like rehabilitation, therapy/counseling, etc). Does he understand that his past crimes were wrong? Is he sufficiently regretful? Does he display any tendencies that make you wary that he could repeat offend? Has he removed himself from friends/associations/situations that were a negative influence on him? What limitations will he always have (work related, travel related, insurance related, financially, etc) due to his past as a criminal?
If this guy is completely, 100% dedicated to leading a changed life, then I don’t think this relationship has to end. But know that there will always and forever be limitations to your relationship that a relationship with a non-felon wouldn’t have — including everything I mentioned, and yes, the way your friends and family treat and view him.
Bottom line — If both of you aren’t ready or willing to conquer all of those challenges together; if you aren’t able to communicate with each other VERY well; if you have doubts about your ability to deal with all of the unique issues you’re going to face (as well as the day-to-day relationship issues!); and if he repeat offends or isn’t putting in the kind of effort you think you need to see…then I think this is a MOA situation.
And either way, I think it would be a good idea for you to explore why you’ve fallen for two criminals in your life. There’s something there — maybe childhood experience; maybe a lack of confidence; maybe a penchant for deviant behavior — that’s worth getting to the bottom of.
Guy Friday March 7, 2012, 11:26 am
This is more a general response than one to RR specifically, but you covered a lot of the same things others have, so I figured I’d reply to yours. No offense intended 🙂 Anyway, people keep saying “all these limitations he has”, but I’m not sure what limitations people think actually exist on felons. I’m not going to speak for every state, but in Wisconsin having a felony on your record (or a domestic violence misdemeanor) means you can’t have a firearm. If it’s a violent felony, it’s a firearm and body armor. If you’re still on parole, you can’t vote. And, yes, there are some jobs, depending on the type of felony, that won’t hire you. Other than that? No limitations. And, honestly, while I respect that some people like hunting or target shooting or REALLY want to date a guy with a certain job, I’m not sure I’d consider not being able to own guns or work certain jobs as a serious limitation of any kind.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 11:42 am
Body armor? WTF
Guy Friday March 7, 2012, 12:05 pm
Well, Kevlar vests and such. I wouldn’t even know where to buy them, frankly. But to be fair, if you’re the kind of person that’s going to run in a gang / flash guns / deal drugs, wouldn’t you wear a vest to protect against drive-bys and whatnot?
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 12:12 pm
I suppose yes, it’d be a big deal if you were a gang member to not be able to have thhose. But, then again, you are a gang member so I’m guessing you don’t really care if you are not following the law by having one.
Another thought-are “we” hoping they get killed? What is the point of not allowing someone to be safe from gunshots? Weird.
Guy Friday March 7, 2012, 12:19 pm
Well, I interpreted your “Body Armor? WTF” as “why would any non-cop buy body armor?”. Hence my response. I suspect the logic behind the Wisconsin legislature making that a prohibition for violent felonies (which I understand to be felony-level batteries — i.e., those that cause broken bones or require stitches or surgery — armed robberies, rapes, and murders) is that those who would do that are arguably those who are likely to take on cops as well, and they need to protect cops if this kind of guy starts running at them with a weapon or does something that justifies law enforcement taking a shot at them.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 12:36 pm
No, no your interpretation was correct. I was not thinking of gang members.
Your furher explanation makes it much more logical to me.
cporoski March 7, 2012, 12:22 pm
I know people with charges that get jobs just fine and can still get a passport. If it was really bad, he would still be in jail.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 12:37 pm
Eh, I wouldn’t agree totally with that logic of they’d still bein jail if it were that bad. How many times to we read the paper and see child molesters sentenced to barely any time.
Krissy March 7, 2012, 12:38 pm
I have a family member with a felony conviction on her record for a white collar crime. Besides the one conviction she had a 25 year career in the medical field and was a successful single parent of two kids. The only job she has been able to find in 6 years is pizza delivery. The only reason for that is the felony. I’d say that it has had a very limiting effect on her life. I guess it really depends on the circumstances…
Kare March 8, 2012, 1:12 am
Where I live felons cannot vote, own firearms, have difficulties finding jobs, and difficulties finding apartments. Some colleges will not admit students based on criminal history and felons cannot receive certain professional licenses. Of course that might not matter to the LW, but personally the huge amount of uncertainty would be a deal-breaker for me.
rainbow March 7, 2012, 11:41 am
“so where do you meet them?”
Maybe she lives in a very bad neighborhood? It would explain the fact that she doesn’t consider it so serious.
Fabelle March 7, 2012, 2:48 pm
That’s exactly what I was thinking, I know a lot of people have been dropping “Where the hell does this girl hang out” into their responses– it’s easy to run into felons if you live in a not-so-nice areas.
Fabelle March 7, 2012, 2:48 pm
That’s exactly what I was thinking, I know a lot of people have been dropping “Where the hell does this girl hang out” into their responses– it’s easy to run into felons if you live in a not-so-nice area.
Fabelle March 7, 2012, 2:50 pm
Sorry for the double-post! Also, to clarify, by “run into” I mean, meet through friends, at your local bar, night classes, and/or other normal places. Not say, getting car-jacked and deciding to go on a date with the dude, which is what I feel like some people might imagine..
SpyGlassez March 7, 2012, 6:58 pm
I teach at a community college in a smaller city in Iowa. In my business writing class, I have had SEVERAL former inmates (usually drug-related or theft) who are really trying to now make something of themselves. She doesn’t have to be in a “bad” area – just a more economically impoverished one.
Budj March 7, 2012, 9:33 am
I need to know when, what, how, and why. I don’t like to judge someone based solely on the fact that they have a criminal record as I do believe that some people can mend their ways, but you left out way too much information for me not to say anything. Generally situations like these do not sound worth all the baggage. You can find men with all those qualities sans a criminal record. If you would care to elaborate though in an update or in the thread maybe we can get more specific to your situation.
CatsMeow March 7, 2012, 11:27 am
Yup. I have WAY too many questions. How long have they been together? What exactly were the crimes, and how long ago did he commit them? Is he an addict? Is he on probation or parole? Is he likely to repeat offend? And to the LW – how much are you really willing to put up with? I know that for me, it would be more hassle than it’s worth. But that’s just me.
Flake March 7, 2012, 9:34 am
Move on now.
silver_dragon_girl March 7, 2012, 9:38 am
Where are you meeting these guys with criminal backgrounds? I think you should probably stop going there.
Listen, LW, like I said on the “Craigslist” thread last night…it’s really, really hard for me to issue a blanket “MOA” to someone. To me, if you really love or care for someone, it’s always worth trying to work out/talk about, in the hopes that even if you can’t come to a compromise to continue the relationship, you can at least part ways with a minimum of anger and a maximum of closure.
But in this case, I really, really think you should just MOA.
I’m not saying this guy is necessarily a bad person, but he has four felonies FOUR! That means he got caught, was tried, and found guilty FOUR times. How many times did he commit crimes and NOT get caught? Why is he so willing to break the law? What kinds of stuff is he into? Not to mention getting a job…I’m sorry, but I really doubt he’ll be able to ever have much of a career with that kind of record. Unless all four felonies were when he was a teenager and it’s been 20+ years of squeaky-clean…just, no. Sorry, employers ASK about that stuff, and run background checks. I don’t dispute his right to an education, or to pursue a career, and I think it’s great that he’s trying, but it’s going to be a long, hard road for him.
If I really believed in “The One,” and you really thought this guy was IT for you, my advice might be different, but I really, really think you should cut your losses now and move on. I think that you can find someone who brings a lot less drama/baggage to the table. At the very, very least, take a break until he’s finished school and HAS a job and is supporting himself and living totally above-board. Then, maybe, you could try it. But as things stand now? MOA.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 9:43 am
FWIW, its possible that someone did “one” thing that resulted in several charges.
silver_dragon_girl March 7, 2012, 9:46 am
True. Probably likely in this case, because otherwise I think the “three strikes you’re out” rule would apply. Although she says one serious, three misdemeanors…I thought misdemeanors weren’t felonies? Is a misdemeanor felony different than just a misdemeanor?
Guy Friday March 7, 2012, 12:10 pm
I should have commented above, but despite wikipedia’s comments, most states don’t have “3 strikes and you’re out” rules. And when they do, it’s generally only certain types of felonies, since California got hit with a ton of lawsuits arguing 8th Amendment violations when someone who committed 3 minor felonies (ex: stealing items whose total value is above a certain amount; in Wisconsin, it would be $2500) and got sent away for life. I’m not saying they don’t deserve prison, but a guy who steals a couple big-screen TVs on 3 separate occasions shouldn’t go away for life.
Regarding your “tried 4 times” comment, see my above reply to JK for a scenario in which that point is negated. Also, something like 98% of criminal cases in the US get pled out; of the 300 or so criminal cases I’ve handled to some conclusion in the last 2 years, I’ve been ready to go to trial on exactly 5 of them, and only went to trial on 2. So it isn’t like the guy necessarily went to trial and lost; he most likely pled out in the hopes of getting a lighter sentence
vizslalvr March 7, 2012, 7:26 pm
Still, in my experience, a person wouldn’t say they have four felonies if they have one case with four separate charges. So there is a very good chance that he has four separate felony cases, which likely each had multiple charges.
Budj March 7, 2012, 9:45 am
“Where are you meeting these guys with criminal backgrounds? I think you should probably stop going there.”
I’d assume felonsingles.net….I get enough christiansingles website advertisements on facebook…I think the most hilarious thing is the fact that the women they have posing for those ads look like women that are rebelling against christian parents…which isn’t necessarily a problem for eye candies sake…just ass backwards.
To elaborate more on your point about 4 felonies…if he does it again…that is some heavy jail time. Is she prepared to deal with that? What if they have kids down the road and he ends up back in jail?
JK March 7, 2012, 9:49 am
Ages ago I can´t remember where I read about a place that´s actually a dating site for convicts. It was really nice, and not at all scary! The list of their crimes actually comes up on the profile of each person.
JK March 7, 2012, 9:50 am
ah there it is meet-an-inmate.com
rainbow March 7, 2012, 11:46 am
another one: http://www.womenbehindbars.com/
rainbow March 7, 2012, 11:44 am
Not all neighborhoods are equally nice. Maybe that’s not so far from the norm where she lives, and it’s not like she’s doing it on purpose.
bethany March 7, 2012, 9:39 am
A good friend of mine is currently dating someone with a pretty serious record, so I can identify a little with what you’re going through. They met while he was in a halfway house and have been together for almost a year now. He was VERY upfront and open about his status, and has no problems discussing it, even with me. I very strongly believe that his past is in his past, and he has proved himself to be trustworthy and honest. However, he and my friend have a very loving, supportive, honest, HEALTHY relationship. Everyone who’s ever seen them together can attest to the fact that she’s never been happier, and he treats her like gold.
What alarms me in your letter and sets apart from my friend’s situation is that you admit that the relationship is toxic. If you know you’re in a toxic relationship, why are you staying? It seems to me like if you know you’re in a bad situation, you know that you should leave. His past should play no part in the decision to stay or leave. You admit it’s bad for you, so you really need to MOA.
S.B. March 7, 2012, 9:47 am
I agree, I would have to have some more info about the nature of the crimes, the circumstances, and how long ago they were.
Now, it seems promising that he is attending school and focusing on a new (crime-free) career, which to me seems like an indicator that he is committed to turning his life around. (It seems a bit odd to me that no one else commented on that).
Also, LW, you call it a ‘toxic’ relationship, but earlier say you guys get along great, and don’t give an indication either way about how good this guy is as a partner. That for me would be critical info.
Eljay March 7, 2012, 10:09 am
I agree. She lists several things that are great about him and the relationship – then calls it toxic. I don’t get that. It’s either a great relationship, or a toxic one. Can’t be both.
Lindsay March 7, 2012, 11:24 am
I assumed she was saying that’s what her family would call it. Though if she, herself, can see that others will see it that way, then that’s a sign, too.
Anna March 7, 2012, 11:30 am
The way I read it, it sounds like she doesn’t think it is a toxic relationship but feels that her family would label it as such because of his criminal record.
EscapeHatches March 7, 2012, 10:06 am
A slightly different perspective:
My sister’s husband had a business that imported and sold DVDs from overseas. Turns out his supplier wasn’t obtaining the copies legally (and my sister’s husband-then-boyfriend was a dunce for not doing his due diligence) and next thing you know the Feds raid his home and business, seizing everything but the clothes he was wearing and a 15 year old POS car. After a long drawn out, and still on-going, back and forth he’ll be accepting 2 Federal felony convictions: using the US Postal Service to commit a crime and tax evasion (he should have hired an accountant).
His crimes are non-violent, essentially victim-less and more the result of not being very smart about running his business than some malignant intent.
No idea what the LW’s paramour’s crimes are – but not all felonies are the be-all-end-all of choices in life, nor are they always indicative of a more insidious nature.
Side note: I think/thought she was an idiot for marrying him but he really is a good man trying to make the best of this crap situation.
rangerchic March 7, 2012, 10:25 am
Wow. Sorry your sister was/is having to go through that. I don’t understand our government in this regards. This is not a violent crime so why the felonies? (I know, I know it is a felony but come on!). I know it is his responsibility to find out but I still feel felonies for these types of convictions that aren’t malicious is too harsh.
niki March 7, 2012, 11:17 am
They are often felonies because the amount of money involved in these schemes can be huge. And while they may not be violent in nature, they can ruin the lives of people who were swindled. In order for people involved in the schemes to get jail time they need to be considered felonies. The Federal system has a sentencing code that allows the sentence to be enhanced when there are large sums of money involved and lowered when there are mitigating circumstances (such as aiding the FEDS in the investigation after being caught). Unfortunately, people sometimes get caught up in federal crimes by the omission of acts, i.e. not doing your due diligence, rather than thru the commission of acts. But if crimes like mail fraud and tax evasion weren’t considered felonies people like Bernie Maddoff would not have to answer for the damage they inflict.
EscapeHatches March 7, 2012, 11:45 am
Yep. He earned what is coming to him.
I just hope people can remember that not all felons look like Snidely Whiplash and cackle off into the distance to count their millions.
It’s especially heartbreaking as my sister just gave birth to their first child, a 14-week premature daughter, and sentencing is coming up in the next 12 months (they’re asking him to aid in prosecution of his supplier).
niki March 7, 2012, 2:39 pm
I’m so sorry for what your sister is going through. I hope that your brother in law will get some serious consideration in sentencing by aiding the prosecution of the supplier. It’s a terrible situation for everyone involved. Good luck to your sister and her family.
Kate B March 7, 2012, 10:27 am
Not all felonies are violent, this is true. But, like everyone else, I would need to know what specifically they were before I can give a thorough response. But here in CA, 3 felonies does mean life in prison, and even if he’s not in prison for life where you are, he WILL have a hard time finding work. Going to school (assuming he’s telling the truth) is definitely a good thing, but please do your own due diligence. Where is he going? Have you confirmed that he is in fact a student there? Have you verified exactly what he told you about his offenses? You’re not convinced because your intuition is telling you something is wrong. These guys can be very charming when they want to be. Please be careful.
Muffy March 7, 2012, 10:33 am
I wouldn’t date someone who causes so much ucertainty. You don’t know if he will do them again, your family won’t approve etc.. Not worth it
Amy P March 7, 2012, 10:40 am
A veterinary practice would have lots of interesting drugs lying around, for instance ketamine. I think he’s going to have a lot of trouble getting and keeping a veterinary job, even if he’s currently clean, because the vet practice is going to worry about that angle.
jlyfsh March 7, 2012, 10:57 am
i was thinking the same thing. if the charges are drug related it’s going to be difficult to get in as a tech. i could see the possibility of working somewhere that revolves around boarding/grooming but not medical work. i would see that being too large of a liability for the practice.
SherBear March 7, 2012, 11:11 am
My thought is that even if having a criminal background doesn’t immediately disqualify him from that line of work it will be an uphill battle finding a job, especially during a down economy. Even if he is a superb vet tech, any job that comes down between him and another candidate with no record, the application with no criminal record will get the job 100% of the time. FOUR felonies is just not going to work in any job market – many employers run background checks, I can’t see him getting away from these felonies anytime soon. MOA!!!
rainbow March 7, 2012, 11:53 am
Exactly! And now that you mention ketamine, maybe he has so many felonies because he just wont stop selling drugs. And maybe the vet thing is just a new way to try not to get caught?
AndreaMarie March 7, 2012, 3:27 pm
I thought the same thing!!! Its already going to be extremely difficult to get a decent job with several felony counts but its seems like it will be almost impossible to gain employment from a place where one with “felonous” tendancies could abuse their surroundings.
honeybeenicki March 7, 2012, 11:00 am
I would love to weigh in on this, but can’t really formulate anything in my head because a lot of things are missing. The biggest are a) what were the felonies, b) how many misdemeanors is “multiple” (sometimes felonies are brought down to misdemeanors due to plea bargains or just being read in, etc), c) is he still on any form of probation or parole, and d) were these crimes all together or completely separate incidents.
Here’s the thing… if he’s on any form of probation or parole, he can very easily end up in jail or prison. There are probation holds (the amount of time varies from state to state), probation violations that don’t violate laws, or even something as seemingly small as a speeding ticket.
Even if he’s not on supervision, the fact that he has multiple felonies and misdemeanors (this is why I’d like to know if they were all together or separate and how far apart they were) shows that it is likely he will reoffend and possibly escalate the crimes when he does. Are you ready to deal with that? It is hard to be with someone who is incarcerated. “Hard” doesn’t even begin to really explain it.
From what I’ve seen, there are two (or three) main types of people with felonies: Those who do it once and never do it again (he doesn’t seem to fit here), those who keep doing it and keep getting caught and those who keep doing it but might not get caught. If he was the first one, I’d say go for it, but his past behavior doesn’t show that pattern. It shows a much more disturbing pattern.
Even if he is in school, that doesn’t necessarily show reform. I’ve seen people who left my halfway house to go into school or get great jobs or do awesome work with volunteer organizations that ended up back in prison anyway. Its really sad to see, but it happens a lot. And as far as being a vet tech, while individual employers may be willing to give him a chance, there are a lot of drugs available there that might stop employers from trusting him. If any of his crimes had to do with drugs, this is a concern – not only for employment, but for you. Is he a drug addict? If he is, even if he is clean now, that doesn’t mean he will stay clean and being in a relationship with an addict is extremely difficult.
In addition to considering the possible future of him or you or the two of you together, consider this: if you get married and/or have kids together, how will you explain his background to them? (They will find out eventually). Also, how will you handle it if you have a couple kids at home and he gets sent to prison and you’re suddenly a single mom struggling with losing your spouse and if you choose to stay with him, the added expenses (often prisons are a long drive – my husband’s first main prison was a 3 hour drive one way, plus the phone calls are expensive and if they want any “extras” that you’re willing to pay for like a tv, radio, clothes, money for canteen, etc– it all adds up).
Also, you said your friends and family won’t support this relationship. While I usually don’t agree with living with your friends or families needs dictating your decisions, how will you feel if something does happen and he is incarcerated and your friends and family aren’t there? I got lucky to have a handful of great friends and my family to support me, but that’s not a guarantee. I did lose a lot of friends because of it. It can get lonely and painful.
So, I’m not telling you to stay with him or not stay with him. I just think you should seriously consider all of the possible factors and how you will handle them. It is a lot harder than it looks. Of course, its possible that he is truly reformed and will never get into trouble, but that may always be nagging at you in the back of your mind.
LW, if you need to talk to anyone, please let me know. If you go to my blog (by clicking on my name), there is a link on there to email me. I’m always available to help.
Visharoo March 7, 2012, 11:11 am
My dad became a felon many many years ago when he worked at a casino. He was stealing chips and then cashing them in at a sister casino. He obviously wasn’t a violent criminal, but a criminal none-the-less. Honestly, he couldn’t hold down a job for more than a year until recently- approximately 20 years later. It made our lives very difficult and money was always tight. You said that your guy wants to be a vet-tech and that he shouldn’t have a problem given his record. To put it in perspective, my dad could barely work at Walmart and Kmart after his felony. LW, this is something that you really have to consider if you want a future with this guy.
cporoski March 7, 2012, 12:37 pm
You are right. Most large companies do background checks but small companies (like doctor owned vet) will not have the time or the funds to do it.
jlyfsh March 7, 2012, 12:42 pm
Which is scary if say his felonies are drug related and he is still having issues and isn’t completely clean. The drugs they have in vet offices are just as serious as the drugs they have in doctor’s office. Monday I walked away with two bags of pre-mixed valium syringes for my one dog.
Not saying that it’s fair if the person is reformed, but it’s scary to think someone who may still have issues with drugs would have access and would be potentially treating my dog.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 12:47 pm
I read that as viagra and re-read it again, still viagra. You cannot imagine the thoughts that were going on in my head. 🙂
jlyfsh March 7, 2012, 12:51 pm
hahaha that’s awesome. definitely not viagra! (and she’s a girl ;))
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 12:42 pm
But you usually have an application that asks if you have ever been convicted of a felony.
JK March 7, 2012, 12:48 pm
But does that actually work? ike is there a punishment for saying no if you actually have?
I canpt really picture a hard core criminal saying he has been convicted of a felony just to be honest.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 12:51 pm
Yes, there are consequences to lying on those forms. Some big, some minor, all depends on where you are, what job, etc.
JK March 7, 2012, 12:53 pm
Visharoo March 7, 2012, 2:44 pm
If you get hired after you withhold any felony information it is grounds for immediate dismissal.
landygirl March 7, 2012, 11:13 am
MOA, nuff said.
HmC March 7, 2012, 11:22 am
LW- it seems like you are desperate to get some sort of validation to stay with this guy, and in order to get that you’ve left out tons of details about this guy’s MULTIPLE felonies and misdemeanors. How long have you known him? What, exactly, were his crimes, and how open and honest has he been about them? What is his attitude towards his record- does he take responsibility and vow to change? Has he behaved in ways that indicate he is actually changing? I feel like the answers to these questions must be bad, or you would have included them. It’s almost like by leaving out information, you can convince yourself that we’re wrong because we don’t know all the facts, just in case we don’t tell you what you want to hear.
Look, if you’re someone that is not only actively choosing to date a multiple felon but also someone that has dated felons in the past, I’m not sure what anyone can write to convince you that you should probably be taking some time for yourself to explore why you make such choices. Obviously it doesn’t look good for you guys, but you already know that. Please just keep in mind that whatever crazy connection you think you feel with this guy, you barely know him at this point. There are other guys you will feel a connection with too, if you choose to. Don’t shut them out for a strong hormonal surge towards someone who has repeatedly disregarded the law and most likely, hurt many people in the process.
Lindsay March 7, 2012, 11:23 am
What the crimes are and when they happened certainly matter. The fact that there are four felonies (and countless misdemeanors) matters, too. It’s one thing to get wrapped up in something bad once, but collecting that many may point to more of a lifestyle than a mistake. In any event, there are other guys, and I’m not sure that it’s necessary to go with the one who will have trouble holding down a job or who could reoffend or make your life with your family miserable. One of the big red flags for me is that this is your second gut with a criminal history. Maybe you’re just unlucky, but if there’s something drawing you to toxic (to use your word) relationships, then I think that would be even more reason to move on before you get too wrapped up in him to think straight.
Anna March 7, 2012, 11:40 am
It sounds like you have a real connection with this guy, so I would take into account exactly what his crimes were before MOA’ing. For example, selling marijuana is a felony but I don’t agree with the current drug laws so I wouldn’t have a problem with dating a pot dealer. In fact, I would probably enjoy it because he could hook me up! But if he has charges like assault, rape, or burglary I would definitely have a problem with that because those things go against MY moral code. Just because something is illegal doesn’t mean it is immoral. It means some politician at some point in time decided THEY thought it was wrong…you don’t have to agree.
You do have valid concerns as to his ability to find employment, so I would research that if I were you. Having a partner with a job is important.
Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a toxic relationship to me. If I only dated guys my family approved of, I definitely wouldn’t be with my athiest boyfriend who means the entire world to me. They would have me married off to a Baptist pastor and tied down with at least 4 kids, no job or college degree. If this guy makes you happy, eff what your family thinks. It’s your life, not theirs.
rainbow March 7, 2012, 12:02 pm
Thumbs up for making it a matter of ethics instead of law. I think that part is very important.
I agree on the pot dealer point too, but most people do it for years without even a neighbor suspecting. So I think if all his felonies are drug-related he must be aiming too high, very violent in the process, or incredibly stupid.
cporoski March 7, 2012, 12:42 pm
I totally agree!!! I have friends who were charged with intent to distribute and it wasn’t a big deal. It totally depends on the crime.
sparky629 March 7, 2012, 11:47 am
The simple rule that I live by when I’m on the fence about someone being in my life because of their actions:
Once is lapse in judgement, multiple times is character flaw.
*shrug* I’m just saying…
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 11:50 am
Sometimes when reading these letters, I really think there are only about 35-40 available men on the entire planet and all these poor LWs know it.
GertietheDino March 7, 2012, 11:58 am
Did the LW not read honeybeenicki’s essay last week. It is going to very difficult to build a life with this man if she so chooses. And why did she not go into the details of his crimes? Did she leave that out to justify dating a convicted felon? Do you really want that hanging over your life? No – Honey, move on. He may be lovely, but there are plenty of lovely men out there, plenty who are not felons. Also, I think it’s time to re-evaluate where you hang out and who you are attracted to and why.
AKchic_ March 7, 2012, 12:13 pm
You’re glossing. When someone glosses over what a criminal has done, it shows me that the relationship is probably not going to work out.
What exactly did this guy do? What did he do to rectify the problem? How long has he gone crime free? Is he still on parole/probation? If so, what are the terms of said parole/probation, and when will it end? What restrictions are on his release (as a multi-convicted felon), even after parole/probation has ended?
A felon could be anything from a murderer to a Ponzi-schemer. A armed robber to a hacker. Drugs could be involved or no.
The fact that you have glossed over his crimes suggests to me that they were pretty bad, and his idea of being a vet tech worries me. He will have access to drugs meant for animals that can be used on humans (to sedate them). He could very well be the one to put Fido down. Depending on what crimes you’re hiding/shielding from us, could this be an extension of what he was convicted of? Drugs/assault/attempted murder?
If he was a banker who got caught up in a multiple count conviction of banking fraud – that’s one thing, with my blessing – date him. If not, then honey, please re-evaluate EVERYTHING and please consider why you glossed over things to make him seem better off so we, the DW community would actually say “date him”. It speaks volumes to your self-esteem.
I wish you the best of luck.
Renee March 7, 2012, 1:45 pm
I have a felon(violence, while intoxicated) in the family. He served time. When he got out, the family got him back on his feet. Doing well now, but again lots of encouragement and support. When he go out, I even sent him a gift card to Wal-mart for anything he may of needed. A show of caring, that he can turn him life around.
oldie March 7, 2012, 2:48 pm
Of course they were pretty bad. Four felonies is bad. LW says one of felonies was more serious. Plus he has several misdemeanors on top of the four felonies. It’s hard to imagine a scenario in which this guy isn’t a serious criminal. You just don’t collect that number of convictions or guilty pleas from one bar fight, or drunk driving, or drug use, or theft. About the tamest scenario I can imagine is that he has a few misdemeanors for drug use and then was busted for dealing. If he resisted arrest and had a gun, that gets you close to, but not yet up to his felony total.
This is LW’s second criminal boyfriend. Why? Does she find the danger and hint of violence arousing?
Suzanne March 7, 2012, 12:15 pm
Am I the only one that caught her call it a “toxic relationship”? She uses that term herself! There is your answer!
jaybro March 7, 2012, 12:37 pm
Whether or not you end up sticking with him, you HAVE to know that just because you feel this connection with this guy, does NOT mean that he is the only man you will ever find a connection with. There are lots of guys out there that will love you for you without any type of record at all.
You yourself say that you are not convinced when he says that he is able to get a job in his field. You say you’re worried. And girl, these are legitimate concerns! But part of me thinks that if you have these concerns and you’re already thinking about how negatively this could affect YOUR future (compared to y’all’s)… well, then I think you already know your decision, it’s just hard to accept.
Before you make the decision though, I think you should do a few things. One of them being having a big, long, boring, serious talk with the BF about your concerns (and don’t let him brush them off!!) Also, along with the idea above of seeing a therapist to understand why you are attracted to the bad boys, you might wanna find someone lawyer-y to talk to. Someone who would know and understand and be able to explain to you the limitations that this guy will put on you. He might not get them all, and he might lie to you.
If you do end up leaving, please don’t let him guilt you and please don’t guilt yourself. Good luck!
Em March 7, 2012, 12:53 pm
People can change after being convicted of serious crimes.
My father has quite a few misdemeanors and one felony in his record. Most are drug related, a few for breaking and entering and some other stuff.
Obviously dating someone with convictions will be tough. Not everybody with a record will turn their lives around. A lot won’t, I’d dare to say.
But don’t just judge based on his record – what was he convicted for? Is he sorry? Has he taken steps to rehabilitate himself (therapy, rehab, community service, etc)? Is he trying to be a better person?
Iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2012, 1:17 pm
Okay so I have to bring this up since so many of the comments focus on it. A lot of commenters seem to feel that it makes a difference if he was charged with a violent crime or a drug crime. But does it really matter? To me being convicted of multiple felonies is a huge character flaw regardless of what the felony was for. I mean I live in Colorado – I am clearly not against drug use. But to be convicted of a felony you either have to have done a small thing multiple times or a big thing once.
For example if you are convicted of doing something small – selling weed – multiple times, why is that okay? I am fine with people smoking weed. I would be more concerned that the person I was dating was dumb enough to get caught. And dumb enough to get caught multiple times. The inability to obey the law to me is a character flaw within itself. If you want to smoke weed in your house then fine. But if you are convicted of a felony for it it you have to have been caught multiple times. Was smoking weed really that important to you that you couldn’t give it up for the sake of not getting a felony? To me that takes it from recreational usage to someone that has a serious problem.
I just don’t know why there is all this speculation on what exactly he did. Best case scenario he has some drug charges that added up to felonies. Which tells me (1) he can’t obey the law (2) he has a substance abuse problem and (3) his future is not important enough for him to get his life together. These are not great qualities. Worst case scenario his felony is for some violent crime.
I guess all the speculation reminds me of when someone tells a friend that their SO cheated and the friend starts asking for details like they’re going to make a difference. Bottom line – they cheated. Bottom line here – he’s a felon. They aren’t married – she hasn’t made any vows. I remember when I was having a brief fling with a guy that was fizzling out he tried to convince me to stay by saying he was extremely faithful and had never cheated on a girlfriend. I was like really? That’s all you’ve got? That’s like the bare minimum of what a healthy good relationship requires.
To me at least – another bare minimum to have a healthy relationship is that you can create a future together – which will be really hard with this guy.
rachel March 7, 2012, 1:38 pm
That’s a really good point, actually. I have no problem with drug use and think the laws against it are ridiculous – but if someone gets in trouble with the law once, they should want to avoid getting in trouble again. It’s definitely a problem if someone doesn’t have enough motivation to keep themselves on the right side of the law if only to be able to have any sort of life in the future.
lets_be_honest March 7, 2012, 1:41 pm
Really, really good points. 100% agree.
melissafawn March 7, 2012, 1:48 pm
Exactly! I was thinking along these lines the whole time I was reading it, but wondering if my standards were too high. I would certainly be concerned with someone dumb enough to get caught multiple times. I will never be okay creating a future with someone with a criminal record. I understand people come from different places (geographically, socially, psychologically, etc.) with different views of the law, but for me, it would be an awful match. I think we’re all trying to see the grey area since laws don’t always coincide with our morals, but I still see multiple offenses as a flaw of character or at least, intellect.
GatorGirl March 7, 2012, 1:59 pm
I find this whole comment to be strange. Generally speaking in the US smoking weed, selling weed or possesing weed is illegal. You say an inability to follow the law is a charactor flaw in the same breath you say smoking weed is ok in your book. This is a pretty big contradiction to me. I know/understand Colorado has some different laws regarding possession, but generally speaking in the US smoking marijuana is illegal. To me it doesn’t make sense to say you approve of breaking the law (smoking) yet see it as a character flaw.
Iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2012, 2:14 pm
Well in Colorado smoking weed is legal. And I don’t have a problem with it. But selling is not legal. If you’ve gotten caught selling multiple times you will get a felony. So the inability to follow the law and not ruin your future is a character flaw with me. If you can do things that otherwise might be considered illegal (smoking weed in other places) and not get caught – so it has no effect on your life – then go for it. But if you’re selling weed and racking up felonies you will never have a glorious prosperous future (unless you’re a rapper maybe).
So yeah I guess I didn’t word it well – but I don’t morally have a problem with smoking weed – which is great because it’s legal here. But even if it was illegal I wouldn’t have a huge problem with it because it’s probably only a misdemeanor if you’re just smoking it in other places. But once you get caught once – and then can’t stop – to me that’s where the trouble starts. Something that is supposed to be recreational should never ruin your future.
To put it another way (I feel like i’m talking in circles today – I need caffeine) even if his offense was a small thing he had to have done it a lot of times for it to be a felony. So if that is a risk he should have stopped after the first time – and his choosing not to is the character flaw with me. Or as a sort of duh – if it’s something big that you only have to do once for it to be a felony like rape, murder, armed robbery etc. – then it’s a no go too.
So why all the speculation? Either he did something that’s otherwise not a big deal (smoking weed) and chose not to stop after he got one charge or did something big once.
GatorGirl March 7, 2012, 2:29 pm
It really baffles me that you can buy and smoke weed but not sell it…how in the world do they think you’re getting the drugs?? The stork?
And I don’t fundimentally have a problem with smoking weed. My problem with it is that it’s illegal (generally speaking).
Iwannatalktosampson March 7, 2012, 2:39 pm
It is really strange. It is still federally illegal here, but state legal. So I don’t know if you’ve read about it but Obama originally said the feds weren’t going to use resources prosecuting it – meaning states could essentially legalize it. Only California and Colorado (I think) chose to. Although in Colorado you have to have a “perscription” for it. Which is a joke. But anyway, maybe 6 months ago (september I think) the feds starting shutting down the dispencaries in California, so Colorado is pretty much on notice that they will get shut down soon too. So as a state here we’re in limbo.
MandaNoA March 7, 2012, 3:31 pm
I live in Michigan. Here it’s legal to smoke and be in possession of weed as long as you have a medical marajuana card, which is not the least bit hard to get. It is illegal to sell it but it is not illegal to grow for your own consumption. I think you can sell it if you have a distributors card but i’m not 100% on that.
Mlippart March 7, 2012, 1:38 pm
LW, there are tons of wonderful people in the world. And many of them do NOT have multiple felonies and dubious job prospects. Just sayin’.
britannia March 7, 2012, 1:53 pm
I’ve been in a relationship with a felon before. Regardless of what the other commenters are saying about nitpicking and drawing crooked lines, it is up to you to decide what priors are acceptable to you or not. I’m not here to judge, because everyone’s specific moral boundaries are different. However, you should think about a few things that dating a felon brings about:
Familial and community acceptance. Are you willing to deal with constant criticism, like the kind you see above, from basically everyone who hears that you’re in a relationship with a felon?
Housing restrictions. It depends on your state and his convictions, but my ex was unable to rent a decent apartment in a safe neighborhood. If we had moved in together, the lease would always have to be in my name. He would have had to pay rent under the table and there’s the possibility of getting in trouble or even evicted if the landlord finds out that you are housing a felon without his permission.
Job restrictions. Yes, Vet techs are not bound by the same laws as, say, medical assistants. However, he has to put in his job applications that he is a convicted felon, and that means he is always going to be put at the bottom of the totem pole in comparison to all other non-convict job applicants. It will be exceptionally hard for him to find a decent job.
Thought paradigms. It does NOT matter what kind of person he is – prison has affected his psyche. My ex had been in for 6 years and his “fight or flight” instinct was very hard-leaning toward the “fight”. He had a hard time keeping himself calm whenever he felt threatened. My ex was always able to control himself, but it was a little disturbing to see that side of him whenever we would have an argument. Men who have been in prison are very distrustful of others, and sensitive to being disrespected. It is all dependent on the individual, but it is guaranteed that your man is not going to be quite the same as regular civilians. Can you handle that, for the rest of your life?
Lucy March 7, 2012, 3:44 pm
It doesn’t actually say he was ever in prison. If his felonies were non violent he may very well have gotten probation/community service.
Sue Jones March 7, 2012, 2:30 pm
Oh, no. Walk away. Just as easy to fall in love with someone with a clean record vs. someone with a criminal record. You do not need that in your life. A girl really has to have standards, and you my dear really need to raise yours!
Elle March 7, 2012, 3:07 pm
Everybody made such excellent points!
I just wanted to add Dan Savage’s words: “If you can take it or leave it, you owe somebody the leaving”. LW, to me, the simple fact that you wrote to Wendy shows that you ‘can leave it’.
Lucy March 7, 2012, 3:40 pm
Without knowing what the charges were, it’s impossible to hazard a guess as to whether his career will face insurmountable obstacles. For example, I’m married to a man who has a significant drug-related criminal record from his 20s/early 30s. He was an addict and alcoholic at the time. It has never impacted his career negatively, although it comes up in background checks, and occasionally he gets asked to take an extra drug test. BUT – he didn’t rob a bank, or assault anyone, or steal from an employer. Details are everything. The only way you will know whether his career is severely limited is basically to wait and see. I assume you’re not planning to run off and get married next week, so why not see what happens?
As far as your family goes, I’ll tell you what I did. I let them get to know and love him without telling them anything about his background. After all, they’re not entitled to any information that you don’t want to give them, and if you think they’ll judge him unfairly, you’re free to withhold whatever you like. By the time his background came out in dribs and drabs years later, it had become irrelevant to their opinion of him. And my family is ULTRA straitlaced. I can’t think of a relative that’s ever even been arrested.
ele4phant March 7, 2012, 5:13 pm
Goodness knows, I am a big believer that people have the ablitity to grow, change, and redeem themselves from previous mistakes, even if they are terrible massive mistakes.
However, like so many commenters have already pointed out, you haven’t told us exactly what mistakes he’s made, and what efforts, if any, he’s taken to redeem himself, so its really hard to give you any advice.
I will say, even if he his mistakes are well and truly in the past, there is a lot of logistical baggage that comes with being with someone with a bad record, from societal judgment, to job opportunties, to potential housing restrictions. So think about this one hard. He may be a wonderful man, but there are some massive drawbacks and you have every right to be wary of them.
AlexisKS March 7, 2012, 5:45 pm
Sigh. This letter made me think of something I read on the Hairpin last week: “There are a lot of men in the world. This one sounds like a dick. Get a new one.”
RiLooyah March 7, 2012, 8:53 pm
Hello all! Long time Lurker, 1st time poster. Look, Im a criminal defense attorney, and I can see both sides of this. Most importantly to what you want to do going forward, LW is how long ago these crimes were committed, and what kind of employment he has had since getting out.
I do seriosuly believe that our criminal justice system is too harsh overall, especially for non-violent and drug-related crimes. Just because some sensational case comes out in the media (usually involving an absurdly good-looking [white] woman/child) and/or a politician wants to appear “tough on crime,” we end up with some law named after so-and-so which is typically overbroad and does little to curb behavior that it targets.
BUT, I also have had extensive interactions with the women who love/can’t stay away from/want to be the one who reforms these men. And no matter how adamantly a client proclaims that he is going to be on the straight and narrow after this last charge, etc, etc, most of them end up calling me again. Often for stupid things (brandishing a BB gun that looks like a pistol during a road rage incident/multiple DUIs/that knife threatening incident with said woman that always stays areound [even when he has another woman on the side…].
Bottom line, it is your decision and yours only whether this relationship is worth it to you. Will he have problems with employment? More likely than not. Most of my clients with hefty records tend to work for the family landscaping/construction/what-have-you business, bc it IS VERY difficult to find meaningful employment.
Also, I have found that these women will often open up to me (since I am a woman) about their issues with family/friends- often how they disappear after a few charges, bc they think that the guy is leading them down a bad path, wont change (esp after a few domestic charges, even when they go to court and “tell the truth” about how they were made up and she was just mad at him or something), and the like.
So tread lightly. Be careful. Figure it out for yourself how worth it his past is to you. Look into whether he is emmployable after school- which you need to talk with him about too. Most programs (especially Associate’s programs, which I am assuming this is), have some kind of internship/externship to complete to graduate, which could get his foot in the door somewhere, or extensive Career Services aid.
RiLooyah March 7, 2012, 8:55 pm
Ok, I could have edited that a bit better. I suppose in my haste to actually post (and trying to get my *ss out the door from work, my personal proclivity for extensive proofing, I goofed. Oops
Mz Hanshaw September 23, 2014, 11:04 pm
I can’t even make a choice for you your going to have to make your own , I married the felon I fell in love with and I’m his everything he’s currently on his last bit in prison. But he has come along way in change everyone can change it takes strength I focus on the root of the evil that burdens my husband and we’ve worked on it together and he’s changing for the best I’m happy with my felon judge not as we are not god.