Your Turn: “I’ve Been Sleeping With My Ex for Three Years and Can’t Move On”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I am a 21-year-old female, and in the summer of my freshman year of college I got into this “relationship” with a guy who was kinda short and nerdy (he was in band) but really funny, and all was good until my parents forced me to transfer schools. I didn’t want to lose this guy, so I decided to have sex with him. In my mind I thought it would work because he was kind of lucky to be with me since I was “out of his league.” Well, shit hit the fan when, instead of the commitment I wanted, I found out about a month after we had sex that he had hooked up with a 15-year-old. Stupidly, we sorted it all out and dated…for a week until he dumped me two days before my birthday. For about a month after that I saw another guy, and, when that didn’t work out, I ran back to my ex.

For about three months we were in this stage where we didn’t know what we were doing, and it was confusing and terrifying but somehow it was the best three months of my life. Then after New Years things got bad because we started fighting because I was frustrated that he hadn’t made a commitment yet. We broke up, started dating again two weeks later, and then broke up agai–and have been friends with benefits ever since.

It’s almost been three years and I’m still sleeping with him (two years ago I moved back to where he lives to be near him again). I used to love him, but now I hate the person that he has become to me. I just can’t seem to let go even though I know our friendship is a lost cause. I am at the point where I am about to move away from this town just to get away from him. I’m tired of being stuck in the past. I would really appreciate some good advice. — Stuck in the Past


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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.


  1. sarolabelle says:

    move away and quit being stuck in the past.

    Only YOU can control your future.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      and prevent forest fires! I dunno.

  2. Avatar photo LadyinPurpleNotRed says:

    Step one: Stop sleeping with him
    Step two: Continue not sleeping with him.
    Step three: Still–keep not sleeping with him.

    1. Yeah, I think you’ve got it covered

    2. LuckySeven says:

      Yes, this was what I was going to say over and over again at least five times!

  3. You need to see a therapist and get your thinking straightened out. It all comes down to this:
    “In my mind I thought it would work because he was kind of lucky to be with me since I was “out of his league.”

    This is a strange blend of desperate insecurity coupled with feeling you are so attractive it makes you superior to lesser plain mortals. So… you choose a guy who you feel is beneath you in attractiveness so that he couldn’t possibly want to stray from this incredibly lucky sex deal he’s got for himself. Except, it really works the opposite way. He’s got you, but he can’t help but sense your lady of the manor deigning to fuck a peasant attitude. This will drive him to prove himself desirable by chasing other women. He can’t stay solely committed to a relationship that your insecurities don’t allow him to feel like he is respected as an equal in. He doesn’t want to think of himself as the short, nerdy loser who now owes total loyalty to the beautiful neurotic princess with whom he somehow, inexplicably got lucky. He wants to think of himself as a desirable stud.

    It’s telling that you think you will bind him to you with sex, your incredible prowess in bad and other worldly beauty. You describe him as a really funny guy who can play an instrument. So, his pluses have to do with personality attributes and skills, while you are merely pretty. Try to think of yourself as more than pretty. Permit yourself to value your personality and brain. Stop being so desperate.

    1. sarolabelle says:

      I don’t know about where any of y’all are but for a person with no insurance a therapist is about $100 an hour and some people just do not have that kind of money to sit there and talk through things.

      1. Even with insurance, I’d pay $25. Not bad, but hard to make high on my priority list when one of the things that causes me anxiety is money whoas.

      2. And in general, not many 21 year olds probably even have that kind of money to spare.

      3. There are community mental health centers in pretty much every area of the country which can provide counseling for low or no cost. Also, many therapists, especially ones who work for such agencies, can charge you on a sliding scale — which basically means — pay what you can afford.

        I also got the feeling that the LW is in school. Just about every college has a counseling center. In my experience in college, I was able to get counseling for free.

      4. If she’s in school, many schools offer counseling services at low or reduced cost. And, if she’s not, there are usually therapists who will offer their services on a sliding scale, too. She doesn’t have to go every day, but once a week or twice a month would be better than nothing. Sure, it can be expensive, but some things are worth the money, especially if you’ve let a situation that is messing up your life drag on for 3 years already.

      5. applescruffs says:

        If she’s in school, she can probably go free. If not, she can find someone on her insurance panel, and if she doesn’t have insurance she can find a mental health agency in her community with a sliding scale (we charge $35) or a graduate school with a student-run clinic. Those are usually pretty cheap – when I was in school people could get therapy for as little as $5 a session.

  4. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    Keep your damn pants on!! Delete his number/facebook/twitter/what ever you crazy kids are using these days!! Get some therapy because your self image is all out of wack!

    And keep your damn plants on!

    1. I agree. Keep your plants on.

      1. Leaves and all?

      2. Thank you for the moment of laughter in this “oh the humanity” shitshow.

        Keep on the leaves, the stems, the roots… hell, carry around dirt LW 😉

  5. LW, you moved for a guy without a commitment? what? seriously, my new favorite dear wendy line “Love yourself More”. Also, realize that if you are quite attractive, that will start to fade so utilize those assests while you still have them in a more positive relationship.

    1. Umm, no. Let’s develop a personality, interests, improve general mental fitness and stop thinking of herself as a Barbie doll. You are right that looks fade, but that doesn’t mean it’s wise to double down on them now to snag a guy while you’re in the peak of perfection. Relationships built on needing to be physical perfection are doomed as you age. You need to emphasize who you are as a person and build upon that. Who you are, your passions, intellect, sense of humor, kindness, sweetness, intellectual curiousity to always find something new and interesting in the world around you, openness and honesty, these things last a lifetime and will get you a partner who happily remains loyal to you for life.

      1. So beauty doesn’t matter at all? Sorry, I view all traits as valuable. you can focus on your strengths. Some people are smarter than others and some are prettier than others. This girl is choosing to waste these years on a guy who won’t commit to her? This is a young woman who will develop to who she is supposed to be in her 20s. That is what your 20s are for! But to waste the most beautiful years of your life on an ugly guy in a band that treats her badly is just silly. I think she should celebrate her youth and those perfect years.

      2. I think it is funny that you and I never agree. Don’t you? day after day. we just don’t line up.

      3. This is true. Likely different perspectives and life experiences. I am not saying beauty doesn’t matter at all. It is, in fact, very important for initial attraction. The problem is, as you admit, it fades and lacks the staying power for long-term attraction and bonding. I was merely objecting to what I interpretted to be your over-emphasis on beauty. Beauty can certainly make all of your other mental and personality traits play better. I just think when you consciously make it the heart of your game as LW appears to be doing, that you get lazy and don’t work on developing the other aspects of your character. You can really let beauty go to your head and treat people badly, as LW appears to be doing. When your view of your SO is that you have stooped way down to conquer, that sense of entitlement and disdain is not missed by your partner. I would have no problem if LW said something like “I know that I am very pretty so I have to be a little wary of guys who are not good matches in interests/outlook/beliefs/personality being superficially attracted to me”, I’d certainly view that as self-insightful and not have a problem with it. Her attitude simply strikes me as unhealthy. If she simply recognized that she was more physically attractive than her SO, but told us how much she really loved him for all his other excellent qualities, I’d say ‘right on’. But she doesn’t, she looks down on him because he’s short and thinks she is owed fealty, without bothering to treat him well, because she is pretty. That doesn’t fly with me.

      4. Liquid Luck says:

        The issue I have with what you wrote here is that you’re assuming she thinks she’s out of his league based on looks alone. She gave two “negative” descriptors of this guy, but only one of them was physical. She may think she’s out of his league because she’s more popular, or smarter, or has more money than he does. Not that any of those things are good reasons, but there’s no evidence she looks down on him based on their respective levels of physical attractiveness.

      5. I don’t really care why she thinks she’s out of his league, her arrogance is staggering. Anyone who looks down on their SO for any reason, doesn’t deserve one. I do think that Oldie is right in saying that a long, stable relationship is based on more than looks. Eventually, we all get old: things sag, we lose things, we gain things and, yes, the sex drive diminishes or disappears entirely. What’s left? If you really love somebody, this matters very little. I know people who get by on their looks. They are sad, empty people.

      6. WORD.

      7. WKS. it doesnt matter really *why* she thinks she is better then him, its just that she thinks that in the first place.

      8. Is it arogance or confidence? So my husband is a real catch. But I think he is so lucky to have me because I am too. My husband is much more athletic than I am but I am smarter. Where is the line? She thinks she is a catch, put everything out there for this relationship and it isn’t working.

      9. @csp… if it was just confidence there wouldn’t have been the put-down descriptions of the guy as short and nerdy. There’s a way to be confident without putting down others or coming off as an asshat, this LW just didn’t go there.

        Notice the way that you did it, you pointed out the positives that you and your husband feel about yourselves… fitness and intelligence… while including nothing negative at all. If you had said that your husband was a bit of a nitwit that would be different.

      10. But that’s the difference between you and the LW. You have enough confidence to feel your husband is lucky to have you, but you haven’t crossed over the line to thinking you chose him because you are out of his league and he is a loser, whom you can control and expect to be 100% loyal, not because you love each other so much and mesh so well, but because he should be so eternally grateful to be with somebody out of his league.

        Even the short, nerdy, third trumpet player in a small-college band has pride. It will not sit well with him that his gf sees him as a complete loser who has been allowed to hit above his weight. He will not be eternally grateful, he will feel insulted and angry and he will look elsewhere to reaffirm his manly attractiveness.

        Now this LW likely could have had a very loyal bf had she treated him like he was the most perfect bf in the world for her. That she loved him for who he was, not tolerated him for how desperate she thought he would be to keep her. She needed to convince him that she couldn’t bear to be with a man who required that she crane her neck to kiss him and that she just loved trumpet music and couldn’t imagine living with somebody who couldn’t play it well. However, from LWs tone, I have no doubt that her ex knows exactly what she thought of him. He’ll happily have sex with her, even better if he has pictures to show his friends, but he is not going to run the risk of tying himself to her.

      11. I had a boyfriend once who helped me crystalize my definition of arrogance: Arrogance is when you put someone down because they don’t have what you have or know what you know. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you’re good at. It’s when you elevate yourself above others at their expense that it becomes arrogance.

      12. I have a question for csp. This is purely for discussion and not meant as an attack. You say your husband is athletic. This tells me that he probably has a nice physique. Someday, he will lose that physique. Will you still think he is a catch then?

  6. Ummm… Stop.
    Just stop. It really is that easy.
    Stop answering when he calls. Stop calling him. JUST STOP.

  7. I feel for you, because I’ve definitely slept with exes/”ex” FWBs (if there is such a thing) for WAY too long after I should’ve stopped. And I didn’t even have the excuse that you have, that you were trying (admittedly, foolishingly!) to get a commitment out of it. I ~knew~ I no longer wanted to be with this person (mmyeah, for the sake of simplicity, I’m going to refer to only ONE of the people that I did this with…) but I continued banging them. I told myself it was only sex, it was fun, we were succeeding at being casual despite having once had feelings for each other.

    But shit still gets fucked up sometimes, even when you DON’T want to weasel a commitment out of someone. For me, the sex started feeling burdensome. I started (like you!) disliking the person this guy had become. Like, there were weird personality shifts that I saw, shit I hadn’t seen while we’d been dating. And I didn’t WANT to see it, or be dealing with it anymore. It sounds like that’s where you’re at right now?

    You keep saying you want something from this dude—love, a commitment?—but I don’t think you even do. You’ve just been messing with your own head. Obviously, the thing to do would be to cut him off. Stop seeing him. And stop talking to him, even. But since you’re actually considering MOVING AWAY to be away from him…then I’m guessing that you don’t believe you can succeed in MOA-ing while he’s still within driving distance.

    You’re underestimating yourself, though. Of course you can stop seeing him without literally running away. First, you need to change your mindset. Don’t allow yourself to get immersed in thoughts like, “God, this is so messed up, I’m SO messed up & confused & I hate him & I love him.” Out-of-control thoughts lead to out-of-control behaviors. You say right in your letter that it’s a lost cause—so start telling yourself that ALL THE TIME. When he calls, when *you* feel like calling, when a song reminds you of the old days with him—when things were fun and nice— when you hear from a friend that he may be seeing someone else, when you think you see his car driving by (but then you realize the driver is some old woman of a completely different race) (Not that this has happened to him, ah-hem)

    Anyway, sorry. I’m getting carried away. But the point is—you have more control than you think. Remind yourself that this situation has devolved beyond the point of repair. Remind yourself over and over of your own words (“lost cause”) & use that to move on. Enlist the help of a friend or therapist if you have to, because you NEED to stop repeatedly entering the same fucked-up situation.

    Good luck!

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Ever think its a matter of winning? Like had this guy actually given the commitment she was looking for, she probably would’ve felt like the “won” and then is no longer interested? Its messed up, but I’ve had that must win mentality with guys before, and once I “won,” I was over them.

      1. yeah, I could definitely see that (& I’ve shared this mentality at one time as well!) I think part of what’s keeping her coming back to this guy is the fact that it’s motivating to have a goal? Even if the goal is no longer relevant (“getting the guy”), she remembers how it WAS her goal & the behavior she developed (to keep going back for more) is now just kinda ingrained.

      2. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Life is all about winning! I am marriedish and I still care about winning with exes. Like the fact that there are a few that I know I could call to come out to Colorado and they would in a heartbeat makes me happy in the sickest of ways. Fack. I need therapy.

    2. My mantra when moving on from someone who was REALLY FUCKING HARD to move on from was, whenever I would think about him, or if he would text me, I would say to myself “it doesn’t matter anymore” and force myself to think of something else.

      Because it doesn’t. It’s over, damnit,

  8. jesus… WHY, oh why do women think that the desperate, insecure, clingy, drama-filled, life sucking, detrimental relationships are good? why do we think 50 shades of grey/twilight is an acceptable relationship model? why??

    i will never understand this. i dont even know how to help people who need this help- i just cant fathom the thought process.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        And young, so haven’t experienced how good a good relationship can be.

        Funny I’m saying that to you, who is young, and yet seems to have all of that figured out already!

      2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Sad thing is there are so many “grown ups” who think this love-drama-soap-opara relationship is what is “supposed” to happen. Ugh.

      3. Avatar photo lemongrass says:

        Yep, we all remember Ramona, don’t we? And thanks, LBH!

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        Awww, Ramona! p.s. I’m feeling a little Ramonaish today. No pants (dress).

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        pps, seriously with that video of the baby? Seriously? I’m going to have to get Peter’s little fella snipped if you keep this up!

      6. Avatar photo lemongrass says:

        Haha, it looks like I sped the video up, didn’t it? I don’t get as many comments/likes as I used to so I wonder if people are getting sick of them!

      7. lets_be_honest says:

        I’m not!

      8. I think people still like them (I do). My only constructive criticism is that it’s too long. If you’re putting a video on FB, keep it short! I have the attention span of a gnat, and only watch videos that are like 30 seconds and under!

      9. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I don’t get sick of anything cute baby related!

      10. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        My hero Ramona! Now that there is a Seductress!

    1. Oh my gosh, this is so effing true. Put me in the can’t even begin to fathom these types of people camp.

      It goes for both men and women too.

    2. So, I understand it but I don’t agree with it. I love romance novels. There is something about that tension. I love it. Not for real but I love to read about the intrigue and the drama.

      1. well, i love criminal minds too, but i dont then take those serial killer tenancies and live them. of course you can enjoy a fictional thing just for what it is, but its a scary world to be living in when twilight is young girls model of relationships and 50 shades of grey is “older” womens models. because this happens.

      2. I don’t think it is a model as much as a fantasy. the same as criminal minds. is that a model? Some would argue yes that these are models and dangerous. I think that when I was young, I had dreams to marry a prince or to have a love so intense. I remember how much I loved Romeo and Juliet. I thought that Shakespeare understood love completely, now I think Shakespeare understands teenagers completely.

  9. LW, you want to change, and that’s good. It’s scary to change, but your life is going to be so much better when you do. You’re unhappy. So, build yourself up and leave. Get support from friends, family, a counselor. Keep telling yourself this: “I’m tired of being stuck in the past.” You are young, there’s a way better life waiting for you!
    Good luck.

  10. Thank God this LW is very young, it makes the behavior a little more understandable. My best advice would be first to go to therapy. Seriously. Find a therapist that works for you. If you don’t like the first one, keeping going until you find one you like. This quasi relationship is robbing you of reaching your full potential and living your best life.

    Also, when you said you were “out of his league” that really disturbed me. Out of his league in what way? Appearance wise? Money wise? Education wise? I just hate how people compare themselves to others in that way. And usually the things that we believe make us “out of someone’s league” are not the things that really matter — like being a kind, decent, loyal, and trustworthy person.

    Like others have said, you really just need to stop seeing this guy. You said yourself, even a friendship is not in the cards with this guy. If it means moving to another city to rid yourself of him, I believe that’s the right move. Especially since you moved to your current city to be with him.

  11. Lemongrass says:

    Good god. The way you stop seeing a guy is by pulling up your big girl panties and simply stopping. Tell him you don’t want contact, block his #, block his Facebook, etc. Get a hobby, get some new friends, get a life basically. You are seriously lacking something to do with your time if you are putting up with this. Take some time to grow as a person before dating again. Manipulation tactics won’t get you anywhere.

  12. lets_be_honest says:

    I think it was katie who was giving this advice yesterday, on a completely unrelated issue, but it might be helpful here too…
    Tell yourself that there is a fine to pay every time you talk to him. I’m good at lying to myself (is that a good quality? lol) so make it like a swear jar in your mind.
    Or write down all the bad stuff about him and all the good stuff you want without him and read it every time you’re tempted.

  13. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    I’m sure this is a real problem. I get how it can be hard to stop sleeping with someone you have feelings for, even if mixed feelings. I hope you sort it out and move on and find happiness and all of that. BUT. But, I have a hard time taking anyone seriously who says ridiculous things like: he’s “kinda short and nerdy (he was in a band)” and “In my mind I thought it would work because he was kind of lucky to be with me since I was ‘out of his league.’”

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      But, when your in high school, those things are “real” usually, to most high schoolers. So she’s yet to get past that thinking. She should. And likely will, with age. Its so nice when you realize Most Popular means jack shit in the real world.

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Well, I’d like to re-write this letter. (Can we do that? I say yes.)

        Dear Wendy:

        I’m 21 years old, but I still act like a high schooler. (Well, I act like some high schoolers; many actually had a good head on their shoulders.) But me. I did stuff like go for guys in band (ie, who were kinda short and nerdy). I figured they’d worship me because I was “out of their league” (ie, not in band? someone who is kinda tall and got bad grades (or whatever the opposite of band girl is)). Why do I do stuff like that and why do I still talk like that?

        Stuck in the Past.

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        lol, fair enough!

      3. Yeah, I couldn’t figure out if that’s how LW still thinks about things at 21 or if she’s admitting how she used to think at 17/18 when everything started. I’d be more forgiving of the latter, but it’s hard to tell.

    2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      AP, those lines stuck out to me too. That line of thinking is so juvenile.

    3. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

      We should have the discussion again about how people know what their league is.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Peter is and has always been way out of my league looks-wise.

      2. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Do you think he feels that way? The most adorable couples (in an annoying way) are the ones that both think their SO is out of their league.

      3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I agree with your assesment IWTTS. I love people who think their other is the cutest and vice-versa.

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        I agree. Peter hasn’t said he disagrees actually. Jerk. Well, maybe he has.

        When I make comments like that, he will say I’m crazy, but add that I’m only using him for his looks. I assure him I’m using him for his looks AND his money. Silly boys.

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        Not to brag, but Peter was THE guy in high school. Everyone, including my best friends and sister all wanted him. Not to brag though…
        (for the record, I was not THE girl at any point in my life)

      6. Haha, that’s the case with my S/O too. He was a couple grades ahead of me, & doesn’t believe me when I tell him how me (& all of my friends) wanted him (and referred to him dreamily as FirstName LastName.)

        Now, he tries to say that I’m out of his league, but I think he knows he’s lying.

      7. I *love* when people are so dreamy they pretty much NEED to go by FirstName LastName. Haha.

      8. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        You know if you had a normal facebook I might beleive you 😉

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        haha. I posted a picture of us once!

      10. My S/O was Mr. February in a “Men of (Insert University Here)” calendar. I didn’t know him back then (he’s 5 years older, so I was 16 when he was beefcakin’ on this photoshoot), but he looked like he should have been in a boyband back in his day. Swoon. (And I’m sure my 16-year-old self would have swooned and blushed, then died, had I known him back then.)

      11. lets_be_honest says:

        That’s awesome!

      12. lets_be_honest says:

        In all honesty, I really will never understand why he’s with me. He’s so good looking, so smart, earns a good living, etc. All I bring to the table is wisecracks and a kid. I always tell him he was stupid to date me. (not fishing for compliments, I like who I am and all, its just surprising to me)

      13. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Hahah. All I bring to the table is wisecrakcs and a kid. That’s awesome.

      14. I’m not sure what my league is?? But I think my husband and I are in the same one.

      15. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I think you guys are a great match! I could see it being a situation where you both think the other is cuter. My fiance and I think that.

      16. Thanks! Yesterday he wore the pants he wore to our wedding (just khakis), and I thought he looked so cute 🙂 They make his butt look so cute.

      17. I’m not sure my league either. My husband has been told he “married up” though. Not sure how I feel about that.

      18. I think “league” has a few major factors – looks/athleticism, wealth, intelligence, growth potential, lack of baggage, socialability, mental/physical health, confidence, and personality/sense of humor. Everyone has strengths and eached is ranked. So if you see a couple that seems mismatched you can usually see what makes them work by digging deeper.

      19. lets_be_honest says:

        …but if its the chick whose ugly, you know she just gives good head.

  14. Cut him out of your life. Go see a therapist to see why you have let your entanglement with someone you feel is so beneath you control your life. And, if you actually have job/career/education opportunities elsewhere, follow them instead of staying where you are to be near a guy who you “hate the person he has become to [you].” Life’s too short to waste time on this kind of crap “relationship” drama.

  15. Older and (hopefully) wiser says:

    Believe it or not, I actually think I get it because I’ve done it myself. I’ve gone for the guy that I thought would be less attractive to other girls–not because I had an inflated ego. Quite the opposite. I didn’t want competition. I wanted to “own” him. I was driven by insecurity. Which is what I think is going on here. And since he doesn’t want you the way you want him, this drama is intensifying your insecurities. I don’t care how pretty you think you are. I think you have to work on your self-esteem.

  16. Get yo ass to counseling and delete him from facebook and your phone. Best advice I have.

  17. painted_lady says:

    Ugh. I’m not terribly proud of this, but I spent a year dating a guy, and I thought I was out of his league. First off, if you’re “dating down,” and admittedly so, you do so because it feels safer. Someone who is lucky to be dating you isn’t going to pass up that opportunity. It’s harder to get hurt. Except it doesn’t work that way – anyone can hurt you. And not only that, but either you both see it as dating down, and that becomes a point of resentment – when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s doing you a favor, you have no power – or you’re the only one who thinks so, and who wants to date that person.

    Attraction, I’ve learned, is incredibly subjective. My ex is not attractive to me; physically he looks like a chimp and he has no personality to speak of. But there are a couple of women who found him very attractive. I thought I was doing him a favor, and I was okay with doing that because that felt safe. But all I was doing was dating someone I was never attracted to, and then I had the added humiliation of being treated terribly and then getting dumped after a year chock full of gaslighting. So where I thought I was protecting myself, what I was doing was setting myself up for a heartbreak.

    So stop. Quit contacting him. Quit answering his texts and calls. Get yourself into therapy to figure out why you think you only deserve men you don’t want and how you got there. Quit thinking of dating in terms of leagues, because I guarantee, there are people out there who look at you and think they’re out of your league, and you won’t give them a second thought. Only date men you actually want to date. And when a man makes it clear he doesn’t want to date you, respect that decision and don’t spend years of your life trying to change his mind.

    Also: I don’t know what the laws are in your state, but if he had sex with a 15-year-old, he’s either a statutory rapist or very close, probably too close for my comfort. Maybe it would help you get over him to think of him as a sex offender.

  18. LW,

    I’m 22, and I’ve been (was… last time was in Feb) sleeping with my ex-boyfriend for the last three years. We broke up two years ago, but we enjoy having sex with each other when we’re single. We live three hours from each other now and he’ll drive to my city when he wants to do it (I’m not driving anywhere for sex, if he wants to, then he can do that but I’m not doing it). It probably isn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but regardless of what people may think, I am very much over him. I used to not be over him until about 9-10 months ago when it kind of hit me that I’m glad we broke up, and I realized I cared about someone/had much stronger feelings for someone who wasn’t him (didn’t work out with that guy). But the sex kept happening, but the desire to have sex with him began to wane. It took several months, but I actually recently stopped the cycle because I’m not digging it anymore, and when he called me (he was in town for business), I told him that I didn’t want to do this anymore. And he understood.

    So in all seriousness, if you want to stop this… then you have to cut off contact and keep cutting it off. And you have to learn how to say “no.”

  19. You’ve answered yourself already. You know you are stuck in the past. It’s time to make a change. Sometimes, the events that happen to us in high school or the people we meet can have a very strong impression on us, even if they (at the time) are not really that significant. You’re 21 now, you yourself are realizing that you need a change and want to grow. You just have to trust that moving on will be more beneficial whatever happens, good or bad, because that’s life and you can’t stay in the same place no matter how good or bad.

    Trust yourself.

  20. I almost never read Your Turns because of how terrible and condescending the advice always is. Especially if the LW dares refer to themselves as attractive in some way. Commenters seem to zero in on phrases like that and instead of taking them at face value as the LW’s attempt to explain the relationship their brains just go DING DING DING CONCEITED HARPY BITCH DELUSIONAL NOT WORTHY OF ADVICE.

    I’m going to give the LW the benefit of the doubt and presume it was just the only way to convey the nature of the relationship. That she thought she could be in control by creating a narrative in which she inherently has more value.

    Painted_lady and oldie both used this information to form legitimate responses.

    1. Yeah… I’m with you on the attractive part. I don’t mind when a LW describes herself as attractive. If I wrote in, I would describe myself as attractive too. There is nothing wrong with knowing that people find you good looking. I don’t think it’s conceited at all… It’s just being honest. It pisses me off when attractive people describe themselves as ugly when I know that most of the time it’s because they are fishing for compliments.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Clearly you’re conceited. Get over yourself Lynn!

      2. I hope you’re joking LBH! 🙁

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        I totally was!

      4. Oh thank goodness! I thought you were, but you never know hahaha.

    2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      So what’s your legitimate response? I don’t have one either. Except try harder to not sleep with this guy – it’s not making her feel better and it’s preventing her from moving on?

    3. Cool story, you commented to not comment. Definitely seems like you have been waiting to say this since most of the advice above you did not mention that, and gave advice on what to do, and actually shared their experiences with the same thing. I bet you actually read all of the Your Turns since you know so much about them.

    4. lets_be_honest says:

      Well, JWALKER (by the way, that’s illegal!), I find your advice to us herein to be condescending and terrible.
      Everyone has given good advice on this one, I think. Adding in a comment about looks not mattering is helpful advice. What difference does it make if she’s hot or not? None.

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        but j.walker didn’t give any advice.

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        Whatevs Addie. You know what I mean.

      3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        which was why j.walker’s “advice” was lame – it just criticzed everyone else’s advice. i’m with ya.

      4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        i mean, for the record, i am all in favor of commenting with no actual advice. (i have to be or i’d hate myself.) but to comment in and criticize comments that don’t give advice when you don’t give advice yourself? lame. like Dave’s Mom.

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        haha. nice one.

      6. Liquid Luck says:

        Ohhh SNAP!

    5. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      Also, I think you’re referring to a different Your Turn b/c this LW never referred to herself as attractive. She just said “out of his league” – which means she’s better than him. There are a million and one ways she could be better than him — some shallow, some deep. The only thing she said about this guy is he’s kinda short and nerdy and in a band, which means she must be kinda tall and not smart and with no musical ability? She never spoke to attraction. All this to say: I don’t really care. The snarky advice above will probably be helpful. Might help her realize what a dufus she’s being.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        You spelled doofus wrong.

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        your mom! (i dunno)

      3. Liquid Luck says:

        Come on AP, this is clearly an, “I know you are, but what am I?” situation.

      4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        oh good call. i am off my game today. i think i’m getting sick. i gotta go home.

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        Have I told this story yet? Probably. In elementary school, saying your mom was the best. We for some reason zeroed in on Dave’s Mom. For a whole year everyone in class would say Dave’s Mom instead of Your Mom. Then we found out Dave’s mom died when he was a baby. 🙁

      6. Liquid Luck says:

        That is horrible, and anyone who laughs about that is just an awful person.

        (Ok, I totally laughed about that. But I felt bad while doing it, so that counts for something, right?)

      7. lets_be_honest says:

        Dave has not had a good life, and it always makes me sad to think about us saying that. He laughed along, but I used to laugh along when people made me feel like shit too. Poor Dave spent a few years in jail, cleaned himself up and then had a brain hemorrhage or something and now has some seriously bad issues. I don’t know why I just shared that. Sorry for being depressing.

      8. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Wayta take this hilarious thread to sadville, LBH.

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        I know, right?

      10. DUDE! that sucks. holy crap

  21. LuckySeven says:

    LW, I have been down this road myself when I was younger; luckily I was able to get out of it after three months. I first rationalized that I was ok with FWB sex; then it was well, he’s a good guy and I don’t want to be single… But like you, I realized that I wasn’t feeling ok, and that’s how you know it’s time to move on.

    First and foremost, reach out to someone, whether a therapist, a friend who can be your break up buddy, or buy the book It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken (I promise that I am not affiliated with them in anyway; just using the advice such as the 60 day no contact rule and calling my best friend instead of him saved me from more months of rejection and not being over it.)

    Secondly, replace the words you use to think about yourself. Say to yourself, “I can do this,” rather than “I can’t move on.” Because you can do this. You made it to college and through moves; you can surely go 60 days without this guy.

    Lastly, what do you want from life? I’m not trying to pick on you, but the way you wrote seems like you are living for other people and not yourself… your parents made you transfer schools; you moved to town for him; and now you think about leaving town because of him.

    What do you want as a career?
    Where do you want to live/ go on vacation?
    What do you want to do for the next half hour you’re going to go without contacting your ex?

    All you have to do to end is even just text him and say you’re taking a break from your friendship, and you’ll contact him when you’re ready. Sorry if that sounds cold, but if he is your kryptonite, it might not be best to meet him in person or draw this FWB out. Good luck, and use the forums rather than calling him!

  22. The “out of his league thing” made me smile. Everyone has already addressed how you should focus on personality etc. All true. What else is true is that that thinking that he should be grateful to be with you just doesn’t work. I’ve seen it play out so many times. All that happens is the guy starts thinking “I got you, didn’t I?” and if you don’t have the personality to keep him interested then he is off to harass other pretty women out of his league too. You have to roll with substance. Looks are important – let’s not play – but without bringing more than that to the table then you are going to be at that table alone.

    I feel your general judgement is off. There are red flags all over the place and you choose to ignore them all. You are overly invested in someone you don’t even like anymore. Just crazy. Snap out of it. And Stop. There is no magic here. You just choose to stop and then you follow through and actually stop. You aren’t a puppet at the end of someone else’s string. Take responsibility for your own life.

    And how about you make it a rule that any grown ass man sleeping with a 15year old is someone not worth your time. Even if he was 18 at the time – still wrong. Where I live that is statutory rape.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      All of this!
      Plus once he knows he got you, he’ll see how much better he can get with the next chick!

      1. I actually had a guy show me a picture of his ex – almost like a reference! The best though was a guy in Rome who showed me a picture of him with the Pope to prove to me that he was a good guy and I should go out with him.

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        There’s a Seinfeld about everything. Ever see that one where George gets with all these hot women by showing a picture of his ex fiance that died. its not his real ex, its a pic from a magazine of a supermodel.

        That pope one is hilarious!

      3. Don’t get me started on George! How he ended up with ONE woman would be amazing to me – much less all of the tall, pretty, fit women he got on that show. It gave all sorts of guys the wrong idea about reality. All of a sudden guys with nothing to recommend them started rolling up on girls they had no business trying to talk to.

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        hahaha. Rolling up on girls they had no business talking to

      5. Liquid Luck says:

        Well I hope you went out with him! I mean, any guy endorsed by the Pope HAS to be a catch. It would be so silly of you to write him off on the teensy little issues of being a conceited douchenozzle. I mean, the POPE….

      6. findingtheearth says:

        I had an ex email me and tell me how much of a catch he was and that I should have been grateful that he deemed me worthy enough to date him.

      7. I mean it was just a picture of him with the Pope – it didn’t speak to the closeness of their friendship – they weren’t in a hot tub together or anything. What’s a girl to think?

      8. Liquid Luck says:

        Well, hot tub pictures ARE the gold standard of Pope approval. Maybe you made the right choice after all.

      9. Yeah, I have to say—based on personal knowledge/experience— that dudes who date “out of their league” often tend to do so over & over, all the time.

        (Okay, I’m basing this on one ex boyfriend of mine. Also, does it sound arrogant when I mention it’s an ex, because technically, I am saying that *I* was “out of his league”? Oops. But seriously, it was like an inside joke amongst all of his friends. Like, “How does he keep doing this?”)

      10. When I think about the things I told guys trying to get with me when I was younger – this entire site would come crashing down on me. But, in fairness, I like arrogant men – so for me it was just flirting! But my friends and I still giggle about the outrageous things we said – and how the men were totally cool with it!

  23. Liquid Luck says:

    LW, at your age, I too was in a ridiculous situation with an ex that consisted of breaking up and sleeping together and getting back together and breaking up and sleeping together and kind of almost but not really getting back together and then maybe breaking up but I’m not really sure what we’re doing and then breaking up for real and then getting back together and then I guess we broke up because I never heard from him again.

    Here’s a good tip for the future: if it’s exhausting to read out the timeline of events in your relationship, it’s not a good one. I know it seems hard to just cut him out of your life, but you need to do it. You can’t take care of yourself if you’re letting someone else pull the strings, and that’s what you’re letting this guys do. You could start over and find a great guy who respects you and treats you well, but you have to respect yourself and treat yourself well first.

    It’ll be hard at first. What you have with your ex is bad, but it’s familiar, and I understand why it might be difficult to think about letting go. But I promise you there is something much better out there, and you will look back on this situation the way I (and other commentors here) do, as a messy part of your past that taught you a lot about how you don’t want to be treated. So leave this guy behind, and take some time to work on yourself. Learn about the things you want out of your life outside of a relationship. Focus on old and new friendships, your career, hobbies, anything that makes you happy and builds up your self-esteem. It will be completely worth it when you realize that you’re going to be just fine (even happy!) on your own, because you will. You just have to trust your own strength enough to believe it.

  24. findingtheearth says:

    Really, out of his league? People still use that line of reasoning?

    You sound young and immature. Move on and wake up to the real world.

    Also, he committed statutory rape and you are okay with that? Seriously- MOVE ON. Do a social media black out. BLOCK HIM. Stop communicating with him. If you are unhappy, don’t keep talking to him.

  25. Normally I don’t condone making major life decisions (moving away) based on a guy, I would in this case because you’d be correcting your original mistake (choosing where you live based on a guy who you clearly had no future with). I think you know that you aren’t going to ever get what you need or deserve from this guy, and I can’t really say it’s his fault. He’s shown you who he is and how much he values you since day one. Move away and move on before you become the lost cause.

  26. Why would you want a commitment from someone who cared about you so little that he hooked up with a 15-year-old after you and has shown zero interest in anything from you besides sex? Why not look for someone who actually likes you and wants to be with you? Or even to go back to the beginning, why would you want someone who just wanted you because they thought they couldn’t do better?

    I’ve done something similar. Well, not super similar because three years is RIDICULOUS. But I got so caught up in wanting to make things work with this one guy that I failed to see that by the end, he was nothing like what I’d wanted in the first place. Time to cut your losses. I mean, you essentially wasted your entire college experience on this one dude when you could have been meeting other nice, cool guys and enjoying time with them. Don’t waste even more time.

  27. Avatar photo sobriquet says:

    I’m glad that all of you have good advice, because I have none. I’ve seen too many women go through the same cycle and nothing can make them snap out of it. They know the guy is bad for them, they usually don’t even like him anymore, yet they’re waiting for him to fall in love and commit. They know it’s not logical, yet that doesn’t stop them. Isn’t that kind of insane?

    One of the many problems with this mindset- with lusting after someone just because you don’t want to be rejected- is that if you finally do get the guy (and that is a big IF), you’ll get bored with him immediately because the chase is over. Because you were just in love with the idea of him, not the actual guy.

    LW, you’ve officially wasted 3 years of your love life. Think about that.

  28. Jesus H. Christ and shitballs.

    Sweetie, this is a misery of your own making. You choose to sleep with this guy, he doesn’t rape you (at least, you haven’t mentioned that). You choose to be in contact with him.

    Your parents were smart in making you switch schools. You, however, couldn’t leave “twoo wuv”, even though he didn’t commit to you, and had no intention of committing to you. It devalues you and lowers your self esteem in the process.
    He, as a college student (and being over 18) slept with a 15 year old girl. In many states, that is considered statutory rape. But no, that doesn’t bother you much. It sure as hell would bother me.

    STOP GIVING HIM PASSES BECAUSE HE’S IN A BAND. He is undiscovered, therefore he has NO reason (or right) to act like a “rock star”. Even bands with local popularity need to remember that they aren’t “the shit”.
    Right now, you’re a groupie that he fucks on the regular. It leaves him open to find the girlfriend he REALLY wants, or to just sleep around with other women. The idea that you’re “out of his league” is bullshit. So what if you’re “pretty”. Women see a pretty woman hanging all over him, following him, and not having the self-esteem to walk away/demand respect for herself and it makes them wonder what this guy has. Which boosts HIS ego. Stop being his arm candy (and bedmate).

    Get some therapy to find out why the fuck you allow yourself to be treated like a sperm receptical. Stop talking to this guy, and for fuck’s sake – don’t fuck him. You should be able to do better. This isn’t your prince charming. Get your head out of the damned clouds and out of the romance novels (or, “hump and pumps”).

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      …or pump and dump

      1. … hump and dump.

    2. Liquid Luck says:

      Am I the only one who read that he was in band (not “a band”) as meaning he was in a marching or concert band? Because that seemed to fit her weird stereotyping to me.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        I thought she meant band too, not IN a band.

      2. I think you are correct.

      3. Ding ding ding! You are correct! And I’m a band director so I know the lingo. 🙂

      4. Liquid Luck says:

        Yeah, I was a band kid for 9 years. There’s a huge difference between being “in band” and “in a band”, so that one little article is pretty important. I never had groupies 🙁

  29. DUH – have you ever heard that the definition of insanity/stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

    FFS, for someone who thinks that they are so attractive (yet you needed sex to “keep” your nerdy bf!?!) your self-esteem must be in the gutter to get yourself to a point like this. Stop fucking him and go to therapy because you have wasted 3 years of your life… and you can’t get your early 20s back.

  30. I’m 22 and all I can say is- grow up. Seriously. You’re making me want to get on a soapbox and start ranting about the stupid decisions of young twenty-something-y/o because of the stupidity of this situation. You’re about to move to a different town just to get away from this person?!Is that your plan for every “relationship” that doesn’t work out? Everyone else has offered some pretty solid “real” advice so all I can say is start acting your age. You’re not in high school and this much drama is not becoming.

  31. Okay, I know various people have come in at various points to say something similar—but I really ~don’t~ think the “out of his league” thing is that bad. I think she’s just describing her mindset. Actually, no, I don’t “think”. Because she IS literally just describing her mindset. She actually prefaces it with “In my mind, I thought…”

    So I think there’s a weeee bit of harshness regarding that, & I don’t want that to be all she focuses on when she’s reading the comments.

    ALSO, while I’m here, the “you’ve wasted your life” sentiment isn’t sitting right with me either. Yeah, she’s been “off-the-market” (so-to-speak) for 3 whole years because of a completely fucked relationship BUT that doesn’t mean she wasted her youth or whatever. I mean, jeez. Girl is only 21. She has plenty of time to turn it around.

    1. Avatar photo sobriquet says:

      Oh yeah, I don’t think she’s wasted her LIFE, but she’s certainly wasted 3 years of her LOVE life by chasing this boy around. She’s young and that is the time to make these kinds of mistakes, so hopefully she’ll learn from it so that she’s still not chasing him a few years from now.

    2. I’m leaning towards wasted her life (to this point, there’s obviously a lot of life left!) because she not only is in this shitshow of a situation, but she seems to have moved and altered her entire existence for years to get there, and seems to be willing to do it again. It’s like the only variable in her life is this guy… Where’s something about a job? Hobbies? Friends? Family?

      ANYTHING about the future that doesn’t involve a guy she barely dated when she was a Freshman in college… who fucked a 15 year old moments after sharing her bed and then dumped her 2 days before her birthday.

    3. painted_lady says:

      I agree with you. I mean, what it boils down to is, she was never attracted to him, and her crappy logic (that I’ve shared) that dating someone you don’t find attractive keeps you from getting hurt -either because you feel like you’re doing them a favor or because you can’t get hurt because you won’t get invested – actually harmed her more. I don’t actually think it’s an especially uncommon mistake, especially in people who’ve gotten burned a lot like I had five years ago when I dated my last ex. It feels safer, but then if you’re rejected by someone you aren’t even attracted to, holy balls, you can’t even keep someone you don’t want! It’s shitty logic, but there it is. And hence you get stuck in a cycle of trying to prove that you’re not that much of a loser – when I got dumped I called him and asked for a second chance (UGH). Luckily he didn’t take me up on it, or I could have ended up here.

      And while she didn’t waste her life or youth, 3 years is an awful lot to spend on someone who clearly didn’t want you in the first place.

    4. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

      I agree on all accounts. I’m guessing had her prince charming come around she wouldn’t have dated him and not pinned over this guy. I’m guessing that didn’t happen, so it’s not like she would have been dating someone else anyway. Meaning she probably would have just been single during this time. Which granted was probably healthier than chasing this guy around, but wasted life is a bit dramatic.

      And sometimes bitches be fly. She can’t help that.

    5. I said something about her wasting her time. I didn’t mean it in a “you’ve wasted three years and now you’re old” way. But sleeping with some guy that doesn’t care about you for three years likely makes you feel like shit, and feeling like shit for three years when you don’t have to is a waste…

    6. Liquid Luck says:

      I want to give this girl the benefit of the doubt. This sounds like her first real relationship experience, and she comes across as kind of sheltered. And really, 21 isn’t that old, especially if you don’t have any practical knowledge of how relationships should be. I think a lot of people forget how easy it is to get swept up in the feeling of “first love” and expect some of the LWs to know how to handle it right off the bat. I know I didn’t handle the end of my first (or second) relationship well. I’m all for tough love when the situation warrants it, but I think this girl is just honestly confused by her feelings and doesn’t know how to handle them appropriately. Telling her she’s wasted her life seems a bit over the top to me.

      1. Liquid Luck says:

        Also, maybe she actually is (or was, before she became a hot mess) out of his league and it’s just an honest observation. Jumping to conceit is kind of a stretch for someone who isn’t showing a ton of self-esteem.

  32. bittergaymark says:

    Another person with such obviously self created problems… Seriously, LW. Figure it fucking out.

  33. summerkitten26 says:

    so wait…he committed statutory rape and you still can’t pull yourself away from the drama? says a lot about both of you individually. there’s a part of me that wishes that’s a typo and Wendy meant to write “25” instead. you’re accepting so many things as “happening to you.” stop playing the victim and stop talking to this guy.

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