In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
I’m in college and have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. Overall, our relationship is great: we have a lot of fun, love each other, are about to move in together, and look forward to our future with one another. However, neither of us has many friends, so we rely on each other for comfort/companionship on a daily basis (though I do hope and feel that this will change soon). Sine my boyfriend doesn’t really have any “bros” or male-type friends he can talk to, he wants to discuss women he finds attractive with me (and what he describes as being attractive perfectly describes the “other women” he was involved with previously and not me). I like to think that we can discuss anything in our relationship, but the thought of him actively wanting to fuck other women upsets me. It is not that I don’t realize that he thinks these thoughts: I know he does, but I just don’t quite understand why he feels the need to share them with me. I have made it clear that him telling me upsets me, and he says he understands, but he also adamantly feels that not talking about it is just some weird conviction of society and that we should be able to talk about other people we find attractive/why, etc. He says he feels like he has to censor himself around me and that not talking about this subject is like keeping a part of himself from me.
There was also a an incident of a flirtation gone too far on his part (asking for pictures/texting and talking about our relationship/what he thought of this other girl all the time while I was home for winter break) that really hurt me. I just want to know if I am justified at all in my feelings, or if I should just shut up and engage him when he brings this subject up? I just can’t stop thinking of him with his mits all over someone else when he talks about it and it makes me sick to me stomach. Am I being a prude? Do I have any validity? I understand monogamy is a bit fluid these days, but I still get upset. — Not One of His Bros!