In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
We talked about breaking up — at the time everyone was telling me he was too controlling and a little mean — but I was falling. We ended up taking a break after I went to college — it was his idea — and I was heart broken. We then realized we wanted each other and got back together promising this was it forever. I’ve been so sure about him until…lately.
There are little things that bug me like him hating my best girl friend. He is a little controlling. He hates the sand I love the beach. I have a very big soft spot for animals and love my adopted dog and he hates her and tells her he’s going to kill her. He tells me he’s gonna kick her across the room if she bites him. He rarely ever apologizes because his pride gets in the way a lot. He tells me to shut up and I can’t stand that. (We recently talked about that though and he’s working on it). These little things build up and make me wonder if I want to be with him forever or if there’s someone who could make me really happy.
I read somewhere that your partner is supposed to make you feel like a better person. But since I’ve started dating this guy I’ve lost many friends, don’t do anything without him, don’t text or call anyone but him or occasionally a girlfriend or family. Lately, I’ve just really been thinking how I wish I would’ve waited and stayed single for a little while after my ex to fully get over him and get back on my own two feet.
About two months ago I started dreaming about my ex almost every night. I started thinking about him more than usual and got a very strong urge to talk to him and make sure we were ok because I don’t think we really had closure. It turns out he hasn’t even kissed another girl for almost two years (since we broke up). We talked things out and admitted we missed each other. We agreed that we needed to stop talking because it wasn’t fair to anyone, especially my boyfriend (who still has no idea we talked….he’d probably kill us both if he found out). But we ended our conversation with us both wishing I had done things different.
Back to my boyfriend — he really is great and funny and I cry when I think about not being with him. His father abandoned him at a young age and I said I’d never leave him. He depends on me for a lot and he’s been there for me through a lot. But the little things build up and I don’t like him as much as I did in the beginning. It’s only been a year and a half but he wants to propose in about a year (when I get out of nursing school). I’m so confused and hurt and tired of faking being happy all the time I don’t know what to do anymore. Advice? — Caught Between the Past and the Present
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.
artsygirl January 28, 2013, 3:05 pm
WTF – dump his ass and change the locks. Also, do NOT get back with your ex. Just take some time to figure out what you want and stay away from controlling guys. The best way to tell a person’s personality is to see how they treat animals, children, and waiters.
bittergaymark January 28, 2013, 3:26 pm
I think it’s actually just one guy… I dunno, this letter gives me a headache. It’s hard to follow… But yeah, I think the ex and her boyfriend are one and the same in that it’s an on again off again mess of a relationship…
bittergaymark January 28, 2013, 3:30 pm
Scratch that. I’m wrong. She just has dated TWO controlling nutjobs… Nevermind. My mistake.
artsygirl January 28, 2013, 3:44 pm
I hear you BGM. I had to read the letter a few times to try to straighten it out since she bounces from one guy to the next with little context in the narrative.
kerrycontrary January 28, 2013, 3:11 pm
I think this was in the forums…But this guy is emotionally abusive. Anyone who threatens to hurt one of your animals is abusive. Get out now, while you can. Don’t answer his calls, change your locks, move if you have to. And even though you miss your ex, you need some time to be single. If you and your ex are meant to get back together you will, but there’s no rush for that.
landygirl January 28, 2013, 3:14 pm
LW, you have terrible taste in men. If this letter isn’t a fake then for gawdsakes break up with this loon and get yourself into therapy immediately.
Anyone who threatens a dog is psycho.
AKchic_ January 28, 2013, 3:14 pm
Get the fuck out of your current relationship. Period. From your description, he is an abuser. Plain and simple. Don’t consider the ex-boyfriend at this point. Just worry about the current mess you’re in. Do not look at this asshole’s “charming” attributes. Look at the negative ones. Those are the REAL personality traits. Not the nice ones that he shows you when he wants to be nice to you.
Get out now.
mf January 28, 2013, 3:17 pm
Yes, this was posted in the forum. The LW posted an update yesterday that they broke, though he does want to work things out. I’m hoping she will stay strong and put some space between herself and this asshole.
FireStar January 28, 2013, 3:39 pm
This is definitely not a relationship issue you can work on or fix. Don’t look back LW!
bittergaymark January 28, 2013, 3:21 pm
Another real winner here at DW.
If he does that to the dog — just wait to see what he has in store for you. Seriously.
artsygirl January 28, 2013, 3:46 pm
All I could think was if someone ever threatened my dogs I would remove their special bits with piano wire and a rusty spoon.
artsygirl January 28, 2013, 3:47 pm
sorry meant to respond to jlyfsh!
jlyfsh January 28, 2013, 3:52 pm
haha i like your description and i agree. i worry that if she were to have kids she would just as easily blow off threats to them. because in the forum she said he didn’t say it in a serious way. people don’t joke about that stuff and if they do i sure don’t want to be friends with them!
Lemongrass January 28, 2013, 8:39 pm
As I read this letter I thought “you know, I’m just going to agree with BGM on this one.” Before reading your comment.
jlyfsh January 28, 2013, 3:25 pm
She posted this in the forums too with an update that they broke up. Which hopefully she’s able to stick with.
And I’ll say again that if someone threatens to kill my dog, they’re gone. Which isn’t even your biggest issue.
I hope you surround yourself with the friends and family you’ve been putting aside during this relationship and are able to stay strong and away from him.
FireStar January 28, 2013, 3:37 pm
That’s great she broke up with him! Good for her – and I hope she realizes she needs to cut off all contact and move on completely.
EricaSwagger January 28, 2013, 3:32 pm
FireStar January 28, 2013, 3:34 pm
Controlling, threatening, isolating behaviour is abusive behaviour. It will get worse, not better. What exactly has to happen for you to leave? Does he have to follow through on his threats? Must he hurt your dog? Destroy all of your self-esteem? Even hurt you? When someone tells you something about themselves – BELIEVE them. They know themselves better than anyone else. Could you imagine saying the things he says? No? Because you are not cruel or abusive? What he is telling you is that HE IS. He is cruel. He is abusive. And you know because he told you so and he has shown you so.
They say when you know better, you do better. LW, now you know. Make better choices. You are responsible for your animal’s well being – as well as your own. There really is no justification for his behaviour. Or yours either, really, should you continue with this relationship.
CatsMeow January 28, 2013, 3:47 pm
Agreed. This right here is enough. This IS abusive behavior. When I was young(er) and dumb(er), I stayed for too long in an abusive relationship because I thought, “Well, he hasn’t physically hurt me so it’s OK,” or “He hasn’t actually followed through on the threats he’s using to control me and scare me,” or “He was just drunk.” I thought he was depressed and he needed me. Nope. He was an ass and he was using me. He kicked my cat and beat the crap out of me. LW, you do NOT need to wait until something like this happens to justify leaving. I know that you said in the forums that you already broke up with him, but I hope that seeing all these fresh reactions to your situation will drive it home to you that you did the right thing.
thewriteway January 28, 2013, 3:35 pm
GET OUT NOW!!! I’m not sure much else needs to be said, but I’ll say it anyway…why would you stay with someone who threatens to hurt an animal like that? Are you THAT desperate to be in a relationship?
The stupidity of people who stay in these crap relationships and then expect sympathy amaze me.
GatorGirl January 28, 2013, 3:39 pm
Seriously run away from both of these boys. Seriously, like, put your tennis shoes on and run in the opposite direction.
You deserve better then either of these boys have given you.
painted_lady January 28, 2013, 3:39 pm
This may be overly obvious, but I’m going to say it anyway: you sound really sad at the thought of being without him. Why? Is it because of actual stuff you’ll actually miss, or because of stuff he’s told you. Do you feel badly abandoning him because you genuinely love him, or because of what he’s told you in order to get your pity? As in, have you seen how terrible his family is, or have you seen people being horrible to him? I don’t want to blame the victim, but if *everyone* he’s ever loved has abandoned him, something is up. Are you with him because you genuinely love him and like him and enjoy his company, or are you with him because he’s told you you’re really in love and the things you don’t enjoy about him are stupid and petty? Are you with him because you know he’s the best person for you or because he’s told you you won’t find anyone who loves you like he does, like he’s doing you some enormous favor? These are distinctions you can’t afford to miss. There is a difference between loving someone and wanting to be with them, and believing what you’re told.
Hopefully you are the poster from the forums, but even if you dumped his ass, these things still stand. You haven’t heard the last of him, trust, and you need to learn to listen to how you feel before you can know why you aren’t taking him back.
painted_lady January 28, 2013, 4:06 pm
Oh, also, telling you to “shut up?” That’s not something you work on. It’s not like losing weight or spending less money. That is something you quit, full stop. Because you control the shit that comes out of your mouth, and if that shit isn’t okay, then you STOP.
Because what I envision here is him continuing to say it, and then when you point out that his behavior is still unacceptable, he gets pissed and insists he’s working on it – lay off! GOD!
Kate B. January 28, 2013, 3:52 pm
sounds like this guy is an abuser. He is controlling, isolates you, make you afraid to talk to your ex and threatened to kill your dog. Any one who threatens to kill my dog is someone I don’t need to be around. (Not to mention, studies show that people who hurt animals often go on to hurt people.) Run from this guy and take some time to get to know yourself. Listen to those feelings you have. Fixing his life because his father left him isn’t your responsibility, it’s his. Any relationship where you have to “fake being happy” is no relationship at all.
handy0318 January 28, 2013, 3:54 pm
“There are little things that bug me”
Honey, these aren’t “little things”…
These are big ass, king size sheet sized red flags telling you to get out of Kansas with your little dog. Seriously, you need to get out of the relationship and then check into some counseling to see why you are selling yourself short and willing to remain with someone, diminishing not only your own needs but also his abusive behavior.
summerkitten26 January 28, 2013, 3:57 pm
Please leave this guy. At the very least, you’re not happy and you’re yearning to get out (otherwise you wouldn’t have written this long letter asking what you should do…you know what you want to do). Please look at the language you used. Not a single thing describes your boyfriend in a positive light. Especially concerning to me is that when you mentioned talking to your ex, the words you used were “he’d kill us both if he found out,” which normally I’d write off except that you’ve described/highlighted the major red flags in an abusive relationship. He threatens your dog with physical violence. He is emotionally abusive towards you (and no, he’s not getting better, he’s just waiting until you’re down so he can start calling you stupid or worse again). There’s no proper communication (he doesn’t ever apologize (Ever? not even when he’s wrong?) and you’re reaching out to your ex for emotional consolation). Please leave him and call in the reinforcements. The friends you don’t see anymore are still your friends. Make sure you’ve got a safe place to stay WHEN (not if) you leave – I don’t doubt this guy would get violent or stalkery. And don’t go back to your ex immediately (or at all, maybe). Give yourself the time you need to be okay with yourself (and safely separated from this dude), and only then consider a new relationship with someone else.
SherBear January 28, 2013, 4:05 pm
Are you kidding me?!?! If someone EVER threatened to hurt my dog I’d cut them out of my life PERMANENTLY – what are you trying to do here, see if his threats are empty or not??? I judge guys by how they treat animals – if he wants to kick a dog he is missing basic human empathy. I have some guy friends who are scared of dogs but make an effort with my dog bc they know how much she means to me – and they are the ones I find feeding her when I’m not looking (she is quite the lover).
But seriously, I do volunteer work with an animal shelter in Chicago and one thing I’ve learned about the bad side of people is there is a VERY strong co-relation between violence to animals and domestic violence. My shelter has a program called Exploring the Link for at-risk teens and they spend an entire semester learning about this very issue. If a guy is threatening to harm your animal you will be next. It’s not because he’s not an animal person, it’s because he has extreme rage and control issues. A guy that has no problem hitting a dog will have no problem hitting you. Get out NOW while you still can, you do not want to get to the point where he hurts your dog when you try to leave.
Here is a great article on the link between animal abuse and domestic abuse
Taylor January 28, 2013, 4:07 pm
***I read somewhere that your partner is supposed to make you feel like a better person.***
This is true letter writer! Never trust a man that would hurt an animal (or a person for that matter). And don’t date people that you think will kill you if you are talking to an ex. Yegads.
DBeau January 28, 2013, 4:11 pm
Oh honey… if you saw this as a letter from someone else, i hope you’d tell them that there is a lot of things that would need to change in order for it to be a healthy relationship. Over time, a good relationship should become more solid as you are able to depend on each other more and learn how to support each other. Unfortunately, it sounds like as time goes by you’ve gotten more scared, annoyed, and isolated as a result of this relationship. You have to do what’s right for you, and you sound like what you need is to take a break from this guy- a real break- and realize that you need to be living your own life right now. focus on school, get back with the friends who you’ve lost (maybe some new ones too), give your dog some TLC and remember that you deserve something better out of a relationship!
Essie January 28, 2013, 6:15 pm
Sadly, I don’t think she would say that if she read a letter like this from someone else. She’s grown up on tripe like “Twilight”, and thinks if your relationship isn’t a complete melodramatic cluster, it’s not ‘passionate’ enough.
6napkinburger January 28, 2013, 4:16 pm
Timeline check: Correct me if I’m wrong:
LW was 16 when she started dating BF1.
LW was somewhere in betweeen 16-18 when she broke up with BF1 and started dating BF2.
LW went to college, graduating at 22, dating BF2 the whole time. When LW was 22, she graduated and he said he wanted to take a break.
LW was 22-23 when “they” decided they wanted to be together
LW, is, I’m guessing, somewhere betweeen 23-24 and is with BF2, and is dreaming about BF1. LW talks to BF1 and they both wish she had done something different — when she was 16ish?
I’m confused how she could be dating LW2 for at least 4 years — and LW1 for what, 6 months? — and THE problem is she didn’t wait long enough after LW1 before dating LW2. Um, no. The problem is LW2 is a horrible boyfriend, is probably a horrible person, and makes you miserable. The problem with LW1 is that you were 16 when you dated him and your rosy glasses of the time before LW2 are making you miss the only relationship you were in that didn’t suck.
There is no “woe is me, I wish we had done things differently” at 23. If you think you want to be with LW1, dump LW2 and date LW1.
You are staying with someone because you told them you wouldn’t leave them, because his father left him? You realize how crazy that sounds? You HEARD that you are supposed to be happier with your SO then without them and its dawning on you that you aren’t? Break up with LW2 and see if you are happier without him in about 6 months. And then maybe date LW1. Or date someone else.
I know that life can make it seem like the theatrics and the drama are inevitable and appropriate. But they aren’t — you are too young for this to seem like a hard question. Listen to everyone else who is giving great advice on how to deal with abusers (I’m not sure if saying that he’ll kill the dog if he bites him rises to that level — it REALLY depends on context and delivery — I’m pretty sure most pet owners have said “I’m gonna kill this damn dog” at some point on finding a new shoe chewed or “present” on the rug, just as most normal parents have said “I’m gonna kill her” talking about their well-loved child, when said child leaves her shoes in the hallway causing said parent to trip, again).
And if for some reason, you can’t stop feeling guilty, remember this: he was the one who took a break. If he had the right to take a break, despite all of his promises and love, etc, then you get to too. Taking a break is ok, even within the crazy rules established in this relationship. You should have no guilt seeing if you are happier without him.
Mr. Cellophane January 28, 2013, 7:45 pm
6, my math works a little differently. She seems much younger than that to me.
I think the timeline is more like…started seeing BF1 at about age 16. Dated for about 6 months, broke up and got back together before breaking up completely…still 16. Started seeing DB, er, BF2 while still in HS, 17ish, then graduation and continued to see him while starting college (which I am sure he didn’t like, vis a vis break up and make up). Two years into her “relationship” with him she is 19 and, hopefully, still in college, (if he hasn’t pressured her into quitting…yet) which he probably still doesn’t like as “the boyfriend back home”.
Just my math…she seems very young, naive and vulnerable. It is DB’s like this that give men a bad reputation.
Elle Marie January 28, 2013, 4:21 pm
I did peer counseling in college, and one of the things we were trained on was signs of psychological abuse. One of the things I remember most, even though this was years ago, was that when evaluating a situation, look to see whose world is getting smaller as a result of the relationship. If a loved one is forcing you (or forcing others) to give up friendships, to limit time spent away from the relationship, it is a huge red flag. It is normal/okay to want someone you are in a relationship with to ask you to spend time with him/her. It is NOT normal/okay for someone to isolate you from your friends and family.
Please, PLEASE, end things and don’t look back. No second or third chances, no listening to promises of change – get out, get away, and stay that way. You are worthy of being loved by someone who appreciates all that you are, and doesn’t try to limit your love of life and the world outside of your relationship.
Lindsay January 28, 2013, 4:27 pm
I responded to this in the forums, but you can’t say that someone wants to kill your dog AND that they’re a great person. One of those two things must be untrue. A person who threatens your pet (or the life of any living thing, for that matter) is awful and dangerous. And them being funny doesn’t make it all OK.
You don’t have to stay with someone just because you told them you’d never leave them or because they had a rough childhood or were abandoned. I know you think that he needs someone in his life who sticks by him, but you can’t erase his unhappy childhood. All you’re going to do is ruin your own life and possibly end up with a dead dog.
cdobbs January 28, 2013, 4:29 pm
there is something seriously wrong with people who can hurt animals…(that is how most serial killers get started…killing animals)…that alone is reason to get as far away from him as possible…but add to that his controlling and disrespectful behaviour….i would not even hesitate to get out of this relationship
Older and (hopefully) wiser January 28, 2013, 4:41 pm
The whole tone of this letter is disturbing because you don’t seem to know what a healthy relationship is. I suspect you weren’t treated very well by your parents because that’s how we learn. If we are valued as children, we value ourselves and don’t attract abusive people. A good psychologist can really reverse the damage and help you change your patterns. It’s worth the investment.I really believe that we set the tone for the way others treat us.
Rangerchic January 28, 2013, 4:50 pm
I couldn’t even finish the letter…LW please listen to everyone here. It probably won’t be easy to stay broken up (I am assuming from the notes above about the forum that they are still broken up) because these guys are usually very good at convincing you they will change and everything will be all great if you just get back together. Just DON’T TALK TO HIM! Every day will get a little easier. Good luck.
TheTruth January 28, 2013, 4:51 pm
Letters like this crack me up because we all know there is practically zero chance of this girl making a wise decision. She is attracted to bad boys, has self-destructive behavior, attracts drama, blah, blah, blah… We all know the type don’t we… and have they ever gotten their life together?
No wonder Wendy pawns this one off on us readers.
Oh well… honey, dump the dude… move… and don’t get in another relationship until you get your head on straight (which will probably be never, but you can hope).
Jenny January 28, 2013, 5:20 pm
Even if what you say is true, this comment comes off as really condescending and smug.
bittergaymark January 28, 2013, 5:43 pm
Dirty and ugly truth? Some people are worthy of being condescending to… There. I said it.
Jenny January 28, 2013, 6:31 pm
I suppose it depends upon your intentions. If you want to actually help someone, then being condescending really isn’t effective. If you want to feel superior, then absolutely, condescension is effective. You can give someone “tough love” without being a jerk about it. Wendy manages to do this all the time.
I do enjoy your “There. I said it.” as if anyone would be surprised you have this opinion. I just think when you have a letter like this when its obvious the LW has some issues with her self-worth, its pretty crappy to be so insulting.
bittergaymark January 28, 2013, 6:50 pm
Actually whenever Wendy gets a letter THIS FAR GONE lately she immediately pawn them off on us. I totally get why she does it. Upon reading these letters, my initial reaction is… Eh, why bother?
Jenny January 28, 2013, 6:54 pm
I’m pretty sure that Wendy replies privately to the LW’s when she does a “your turn” post, but I could be wrong. Most of the time I enjoy your comments. I’m a fan of snark. But I think TheTruth’s comment just was unnecessarily mean. There’s a difference between being like “Hey, LW you’re acting like an idiot” and “Hey, LW you’re acting like an idiot and here’s some advice but you’re too much of an idiot to follow it and you’ll always be an idiot HAHA”
Amanda January 28, 2013, 4:53 pm
WTF are you doing LW?!! GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP TODAY. YOU ARE LIKELY IN DANGER
SGMcG January 28, 2013, 5:36 pm
LW, you have a lot of good stuff going on (a cute dog! nursing school!) but you need to drop this emotionally abusive boyfriend because he’s bad news. If they threaten to kill a pet because they don’t like them, can you imagine how bad they treat human beings too? When you cut him off, don’t immediately jump into another relationship – focus on the good things in your life instead. I have not taken it myself, but from what I gather, the NCLEX Nursing exam is not a walk in the park. Work on passing that test the first time – from there, the rest of your nursing career can be golden.
Sunshine Brite January 28, 2013, 5:52 pm
I remember getting shivers when I read this in the forums and everything everyone else said stands true GET OUT NOW!!!!!!! If not for yourself, for your dog. Then really start that work on yourself. You recognize that you haven’t taken the time to figure out what you want for you, at least a little bit, so do it. Find a legit therapist that you can connect to, volunteer at a dog shelter or domestic violence shelter, re-connect with those friends you’ve been separated from and make some new ones, really create that early 20s life you’ll remember positively.
Essie January 28, 2013, 6:12 pm
Oh, my god. I’m trying to be nice. I really am. But I shudder to think of someone this clueless becoming a nurse and being responsible for people’s lives. Sweet Jesus.
Honey. Dump the boy or boys, I can’t tell from your letter how many of them there are. And then STOP DATING. Just stop. Find yourself a good counselor who can teach you what a good relationship is, and how to tell the difference between good people and bad people. And only after you’ve learned all of that, and learned it really well, should you even think about going out on a date again.
Jessica January 28, 2013, 6:24 pm
I have lost all faith in humanity.
Heather January 28, 2013, 6:47 pm
RUN. Don’t look back. I try not to deal in absolutes and all that but this whole situation…just no. Don’t go back to the ex either. Life’s much too short and there are too many other people to stay stuck on either of these guys.
Sue Jones January 28, 2013, 7:01 pm
RUN, don’t walk away from this guy. RED FLAGS OF AN ABUSER all over the place here… let’s see: 1. Isolating you from your friends 2. Controlling behavior 3. Manipulating you emotionally to “never” leave him 4. Jealous of even your DOG! I mean, c’mon! 5. Threats of violence – even towards your dog. 6. Telling you to shut up, etc . Yes he is emotionally wounded, but he needs years of therapy to fix his issues, and you cannot do it. And whether you realize it or not, YOU ARE IN DANGER! This guy is tinderbox just waiting to go off and you had better check out your Safehouse or women’s shelter in your area and have a plan, because most likely if you do leave him and he does have access to you OR your dog, he might do something violent. He fits the profile to a “T”.
rightasrain919 January 28, 2013, 8:58 pm
One of the most amazing things about being in a controlling relationship is the submissive partner rarely sees how MUCH they’ve been controlled until it’s become so obvious even they can’t ignore it. Based on the behaviors you describe, your boyfriend is well on his way to being a full-blown abusive partner. He may not physically assault you, but behaviors you say he displays (physical threats against your pets, not liking when you talk/text anyone but him, telling you to shut up, etc.) qualify as psychological and emotional abuse.
For example, you say he depends on you, helped you through your own problems, and you said you’d never leave him. Did you ever look at this as evidence of his controlling/manipulating you into being completely dependent on him? As someone who’s been in relationships with this type of behavior, I tell you it will only get worse. The longer you are with him, the more he will try to control you. The amount of control he has over you will never be enough for him. He will always want more and his responses to your chaffing at his behavior will also become more dramatic. Maybe rather than just threaten to kick your dog, he actually will or perhaps he’ll just give her away while you’re at work one day. Maybe instead of telling you to shut up, he’ll just slap or punch you.
Regardless, abuse is abuse. Do not tolerate it one minute longer. Do not give him an ultimatum. Just leave. Cut off all contact. Don’t respond to calls, texts, emails, social media posts, letters. Nothing. Responding to him will only encourage his illusion of control over you. Get back in contact with your friends and family to establish a support network. Find a new hobby/club to take up some of the time that will free up when he’s out of your life. If you want an objective opinion, talk to a therapist or counselor at your university health center. They often will provide help for free or a highly reduced cost.
Lo January 28, 2013, 9:34 pm
If you are hurt and tired of faking being happy, then you don’t need to read anything else in your letter to know its time to move on. Its not supposed to be this hard. You will find someone who doesn’t exhaust you to your core like this.
Saying he’s going to kill your dog = red flag. You sound far too sweet and kind for this guy. Being scared to hurt someone’s feelings isn’t enough of a reason to stay with someone who is wrong for you.
And if you are really scared for your safety, don’t be afraid to call the police. At a minimum, let your close girlfriends and family know you’re breaking up with him and maybe stay with them for a few days while the storm passes.
Ammie January 28, 2013, 9:37 pm
He threatened to kill your dog, dude. Never let him in your house again. Get a restraining order if he won’t leave you alone. He’s a bad person.
Geez, I wouldn’t even talk to someone who threatened my cat. They’d be out of my life so fast their head would spin. And he doesn’t like your best girlfriend either, what a surprise! Everything you love, he hates. Funny how that works. You’re young and have absolutely no reason to tie yourself to someone who’s trying to destroy you. Cut him loose.
Lilitu Aster January 28, 2013, 9:40 pm
LW, reading your letter made me feel like I was reading my own cry for help five years ago. My ex is word for word, exactly how you described the guy you’re with now. Your own words were that he would *kill you* if he found out that you were talking to your ex. Kill. You. That is not normal. Yes, its a common expression, but something tells me that you used that phrase for a reason. Even if you said you’d never leave him, you need to be concerned about your own safety first and foremost. You can’t live like that!
I urge you to read this:
Something tells me that he fits most, if not all, those signs. What I strongly advise you to do is leave. Send something in writing that you don’t want him to contact you again. If he threatens to harm you, your friends, your family, even your dog, go to the police. Document EVERYTHING. Texts, facebook messages, emails, your call log. Everything. If he threatens to harm himself, do not give in! This is a common tactic used to manipulate people into staying. If you think he’s serious, call the suicide helpline. If he begins stalking you, get a restraining order. If you are fearful for your safety, some courts will waive any fees. Of course, make sure you lock all your doors/windows, etc at night. Make sure your car is locked up safely. Form a support group with friends/family because it’s not easy to extract yourself from this kind of a relationship.
People like him are truly dangerous. You hear about it all the time. I can say that if I didn’t finally get the courage to leave my ex, I don’t think I’d be alive today.
As for your ex, really you just might need a break. Part of your sudden yearning for him could be because things were (probably) simpler then. If he wasn’t an abusive asshole, then of course it’s nice to remember what it was like to be treated with decency. As nice as it seems, it sounds like you can really benefit from some time away from dating. Focus on yourself and for awhile. Take some time to grow before you jump back in.
LS January 28, 2013, 9:58 pm
This is so far down in the comments now, but if the LW is reading through all these (or for anyone else interested) I would highly recommend that you read the graphic novel “Dragon Slippers” …I don’t know how to insert a link that would go through Wendy’s Amazon affiliate, but you could just search “dragon slippers graphic novel” in her sidebar to purchase it through her)!
This was the book that opened my eyes to the emotionally abusive relationship I was in and helped me to see how it can (will) escalate. It pinpoints all the nuances of an emotionally abusive relationship and provides insight into why you still have an icky feeling even when your partner says things like “I’ll work on it” or “I can be better”. It’s helped me look out for red flags in subsequent relationships as well.
I saved a copy of the final email I ever wrote to my ex (that’s a story for another time) where I finally stood up for myself and told him I wanted him out of my life. I copied it into a word document so I can access it whenever I need a reminder that I am a strong, independent person and I added this author’s note from Dragon Slippers:
“There are hundreds of thousands of ‘Rosalind B. Penfolds’ [the main character] around the world who will recognize themselves in this story…I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. It helped me. I also hope that this book will help you to recognize that finding yourself in an abusive relationship does not mean you’re stupid or unaware or unworthy. It may mean that you’re compassionate and sensitive and trusting—and easily taken advantage of…”
Stay strong, LW… you are better than him, and have a much richer life ahead, with plenty of time for real, healthy, true love.
misslisa January 28, 2013, 11:21 pm
I was perusing the forum the other day due to being home recovering from surgery. When I saw this letter, it gave me flashbacks to a horrible relationship I was in from 1993-95. He only got physical with me once (shoved me), but the mental and emotional anguish was so destructive.
Like the guy in this letter (and all abusers, really), he could be charming, fun, and social. He was brilliantly intelligent, and I owed a lot of my early handiness with computers and the Internet to him (I’d never even heard of the Internet when we met!). But as his controlling, abusive nature & his vicious words escalated, I became too afraid of him to leave, and too ashamed and embarassed to reach out for help.
LW, please don’t become like me: Since I left him, I’ve never had a successful long-term relationship. Sure, I date, but even after 18 years (!) I’m too afraid that the next man is going to turn into that guy. So I leave before anything can happen.
And thanks, LW, for writing in, because you helped me. I admitted to myself that I still need to work on this issue. It also prompted me to look the guy up to see where he is and whether he could still harm me or my loved ones. Thankfully, he died 4 years ago – I can now place that terrible experience in the grave with him where it belongs.
MsMisery January 29, 2013, 12:47 pm
This doesn’t have anything to do with missing your ex or “getting closure.” This doesn’t have anything to do with your current bf’s alleged abandonment issues. You both need (separate) therapy. He is a horrible person and a ticking time bomb. Take your stuff and your pet(s) and get far away. Focus on school, get back to your friends and family, and don’t date for a while. THERAPY. Something is making you pick terrible men. Find out what that is, and until then stay single. It’s not that bad.
melancholia January 29, 2013, 4:10 pm
I am going to write a very important message that you (LW) need to repeat to yourself OVER and OVER again until you fully understand and believe it: All of the red flags you mentioned in your post are BIG, BIG red flags. These are not “little things that build up over time”, these are huge, enormous red flags that classify your boyfriend as an abuser. He is emotionally and mentally abusive to you, and eventually he could become physically abusive if you do not cut your losses and move on.
Forget about your ex and focus on yourself right now. You need to come up with a safe strategy to end this relationship. See if you can spend some time with a friend or your family. Someone who makes you feel safe. You need to break up with this boyfriend of yours and save ALL documented evidence of his abuse (texts/emails/etc). There are too many people in abusive relationships with low self esteem. You have told yourself that this is what you deserve and you believe it. I feel bad for you, but not because you need pity, but because you are stuck in the cycle of abuse that SO many other men and women fall into. Your boyfriend met you at a vulnerable time in your life and was able to get you to ignore the signs that he is controlling, abusive, and overall an asshole. This happens A LOT more than you might think and there are ways for you to get help through this.
Take up a new hobby you’ve wanted to try, exercise, focus on school/your career, your current friends and meeting new people. You need to be the person in your life that controls your own happiness, other people should never, EVER have the satisfaction or privilige of deciding how you feel about yourself or your life. You can walk away from this relationship and you will heal from it. You need to start moving foward ASAP though, because the longer you stay with this jerkoff, the worse it is going to get. That is a guarantee.