In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
I have been with my boyfriend, Gary, for two years and we now live together. Gary has been divored from his ex-wife for 12 years and she’s still bitter. She had an fling after 23 years of marrige to get out of the marriage. Their 30-year-old daughter, Elaine, lives with the mother and is getting married soon. Elaine recently called and asked Gary to dinner at her fiancé’s parents’ home to meet them. Her mother won’t be there — she met the new in-laws the week before. Elaine told Gary bring his dad, her grandpa, for dinner but did not extend an invite to me.
“My Boyfriend Treats His Daughter Like SHE is His Girlfriend”
I am hurt that I was not included. Gary said it was the ex-wife’s doing and left it at that! But I feel that Elaine is 30 years old and she has her own mind! I have have had her and her mother at my house many times for dinner birthdays, etc. We seemed to get along great…never a problem. Now I’m not sure where this leaves me at the wedding or even future parties. Am I being over sensitive? — Left Out
“I Don’t Like My Boyfriend’s Daughter. Should I Break Up With Him?”
PFG-SCR April 30, 2012, 9:19 am
You’re both grown women, and you both have been during the duration of your relationship with her father – call her directly and ask her about it.
PFG-SCR April 30, 2012, 9:40 am
I just re-read – I thought the LW had been _living_ with her boyfriend for two years. Not that it’s a big difference, but it is to a certain extent. I agree with others in that she could have her boyfriend casually inquire, but if his daughter just wants her father and grandfather there at the dinner to meet her future in-laws, the LW needs to respect that.
FireStar April 30, 2012, 9:48 am
I don’t feel the daughter should be questioned on her guest list – particularly not at an event traditionally reserved for parents. To quote Judge Judy (I admit to the guilty pleasure) – there is no such thing as a step-girlfriend.
FireStar April 30, 2012, 9:49 am
oops – posted without refreshing PFG-SCR!
PFG-SCR April 30, 2012, 11:18 am
For the most part, I agree, but the closeness of the relationship between the LW and her boyfriend’s daughter isn’t dictated by the existence – or absence – of a marriage certificate between the LW and her boyfriend.
Regardless, this is a small, intimate dinner, and it’s ultimately the boyfriend’s daughter’s call on whether she wants the LW there.
Nadine April 30, 2012, 11:47 am
I agree with this so much.
*HmC* April 30, 2012, 2:26 pm
The closeness of a relationship should not necessarily be predicated on a marriage certificate, no, but it shouldn’t be predicated on the outside validation of whether you are always invited places together either. You know how close your relationship is, why do other people’s views of your closeness (assuming that is even why she was not invited) affect your opinion of your own relationship? Even if the LW would have been invited as a spouse (but not girlfriend), I don’t think that one’s closeness with their significant other should need to be constantly validated by others in order for people in a relationship to know and feel confident in what they have. That’s what I don’t really get about people who insist on their significant others, even spouses, being invited to things. It’s like they want to be invited because of their own ego and validation of a relationship. Whatever happened to inviting people because you want them there and they want to be there and their presence at a particular event is appropriate?
I understand that marriage makes you family. I believe in marriage very much and am excited to be married one day. I just don’t relate to getting all bent out of shape for other people not validating your relationship. If you really want outside validation and to be treated like a constant pair, that’s kind of what marriage is for no? At least in part. To express what you are to others?
Amanda April 30, 2012, 9:22 am
For some women, nothing can make them act crazier than being put in the role of “Mother of the Bride.” So, if your boyfriend’s ex-wife is usually a little unstable, she is REALLY unstable now. She is probably putting Elaine through hell about everything wedding-related and undoubtedly bitched at her about this dinner with the in-laws. In other words LW, I would try to get past this. Elaine was probably trying to keep the peace with her mother and in doing so, had to exclude you from this dinner. However, you will be at the wedding and there will be future dinners, so juts shrug it off.
Amanda April 30, 2012, 9:22 am
Ah, this one is easy. Don’t handle it with grace. Throw a fit and let your man know exactly how you feel. Make sure you call his daughter and tell her too. Don’t send her any gifts, and stop inviting her and her mom dinner and parties. Defriend her on Facebook.
MissDre April 30, 2012, 9:24 am
Addie Pray April 30, 2012, 9:59 am
Lol. But, meh, I think a passive-aggressive FB status should suffice.
landygirl April 30, 2012, 12:24 pm
Should she throw an ultimatum in there as well?
Kristen April 30, 2012, 9:24 am
If you have a good relationship with his daughter, maybe it was just a misunderstanding. She may have thought inviting her dad meant also inviting you. But if I were in your position, I would ask your boyfriend to bring it up casually to her and ask her to clarify. If she specifically says she’d only like your boyfriend and your boyfriend’s father to go, then your best course of action is just to be gracious and make other plans that night.
ele4phant April 30, 2012, 12:01 pm
It sounds like it was already brought up – her BF told her it was the ex wife’s doing.
AlenaLynn April 30, 2012, 12:13 pm
I think this is a great way to go about it. ele4phant has a point that the boyfriend said it was the ex-wife’s doing, but that could simply be his assumption. Sometimes if you see someone’s behavior enough, you assume you know what they will do/did in many situations. He could have simply assumed. So, if this was brought up TO ELAINE and she specified that it was just the dad, and then he told LW his guess at the “why,” just be gracious and leave it be.
Otherwise, if it hasn’t been brought up to Elaine, Kristen has a good idea here. If the LW’s boyfriend casually brings it up to Elaine, something as simple as, “Hey, I know you invited me to meet so-and-so’s parents, and you told me to bring your grandpa, but did you want LW to tag along as well? I know you two get on really great, but I didn’t want to simply assume that she was or was not invited. Did you want her to join us, or were you hoping for it to be just me and grandpa meeting them first?”
If she says she wants LW to come, that’s nice. If not, perhaps she wants to start with just the “basics.” Take it graciously, as Kristen said. It’s likely not a slight against you, LW, perhaps she likes you, perhaps she adores you, but she just wants her future in-laws to meet the two most important men in her life (after her fiance), first.
evanscr05 April 30, 2012, 9:26 am
If this was about a wedding invite, then I would agree with your sensitivity. BUT, this is another matter entirely. The coming together of parents is always an interesting event as you’re never sure how things will go over. I think, in this case, you need to let things go. Even if you have a good relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter, that doesn’t mean she’s entirely comfortable with her dad dating someone else. And with this major transition in her life, perhaps she would feel better introducing just her PARENTS to her fiance’s parents. After all, you are not her parent, and sometimes we kids of divorced parents want to have events in our lives that do not always include our stepparents, or SO’s of our parents. Even though I adore my step-mom, there are times that I wish I could not include in her things because it’s important to me that my parents have something that elevates their relationship to me above her. Selfish or not, even though I really have never acted upon those feelings, that’s how I feel. Some things are not about her, and it’s important that my mom not feel usurped by this other parent-like figure in my life. The same could be felt in this case. The daughter could like you a lot, but that doesn’t mean she should include you in every major thing in her life.
I’m not saying you can’t be hurt by it – you feel how you feel – but I think you need to take a step back and try to see how the daughter feels. She may be an adult, but divorce stings deep down no matter how old you are when it happens to your parents.
SweetPeaG April 30, 2012, 10:11 am
FireStar April 30, 2012, 9:34 am
If you will be with your boyfriend for the foreseeable future – you will have plenty opportunity to meet your boyfriend’s daughter’s fiance’s parents. Seems like a lot of possessive nouns – no? That generally means you are pretty far removed. It is customary for parents of the groom to meet the parents of the bride. That – I’m afraid – isn’t you. I’d have a little more sympathy if you had been in the daughter’s life since she was 7 but since you just rolled up on the scene, well after the daughter was an adult, you need to reign in the outrage. I get that people tend to view invitations as dictating some sort of social hierarchy but perhaps you can forgo all that needless drama. Your relationship with your boyfriend isn’t affected by his daughter’s guest list to a dinner to meet her new in-laws…unless you choose to make it about you – which clearly it isn’t. Tell your boyfriend have fun, don’t spill red wine on anything white and to sneak you a piece of cake if there is any.
bethany April 30, 2012, 9:40 am
I didn’;t read the comments before posting… I basically said the same thing below!
Friend of Beagles April 30, 2012, 9:46 am
Off topic, but I have to say, bethany, I LOVE your avatar. Is that your cat?
bethany April 30, 2012, 9:57 am
Thank You!! Yes, that’s one of my cats. I force him to wear silly things from time to time 🙂
Friend of Beagles April 30, 2012, 10:27 am
Awesome! My cat would put me in the ER if I tried to put that on her. 😉
ele4phant April 30, 2012, 12:25 pm
I agree with this. There have been a couple letters like this, and it seems that some of these LWs are seeing not being invited to this pre-wedding functions as saying something about their relationship with their partner, or their relationship with their partner’s child.
I’m sorry, but a meet-and-greet with the in-laws has *nothing* to do with you. There is no subliminal message to read between the lines. If you weren’t there to raise the girl, you really don’t have a stake in being there to meet the in-laws (which is after all is the *purpose* of this meeting). So don’t worry about what it says about how seriously your BF’s family takes your role in his life, stop seeing it as a slight.
Would it be nice for you to be invited? Sure. Are you required to get an invite? No, and you didn’t, so let it go.
bethany April 30, 2012, 9:38 am
I can understand being sensitive about not being invited, but this woman is introducing her future in laws to her family. You are not her family. You’re her father’s girlfriend. You’ve been in her life for 2 years- 2 years in which she was already a grown woman. You didn’t help raise her, or support her through her teenage years. You’re not her family, and I think it’s asking a little much to expect to be treated as such.
Weddings bring out a lot of tension, especially when there are parents, step-parents, and significant others involved. Try to sit back and relax. This isn’t about you. It’s about your boyfriend’s daughter and her future husband.
Lucy April 30, 2012, 11:48 am
This. Agree 100%.
AndreaMarie April 30, 2012, 1:59 pm
Thats exactly it. Its not like youve been in her like for a significant amount of time or were there for her when she was younger and growing up. She’s a full grown woman and though she might really like you and respect your relationship with her father you are still just her father’s girlfriend and not part of her family.
Budj April 30, 2012, 9:38 am
This type of situation is always murky water to navigate for everyone involved. I would handle this with “grace” and just wait until after the wedding…if the snubs keep happening after the wedding I would definitely at least ask your bf or Elaine about it (depending on your relationship).
Addie Pray April 30, 2012, 10:06 am
*gasp* – once again, the gods have thrown our posts RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. it’s a sign. it’s like in junior high when i sat RIGHT NEXT TO Michael A. in almost every single class! i tried to reason with him why we should go out. i knew our assigned seats was a sign – and not JUST b/c of alphabetical order. but sometimes guys are so dense.
Budj April 30, 2012, 10:09 am
Were your yearbook pictures near each other too?
Addie Pray April 30, 2012, 10:11 am
YES! Another sign.
Addie Pray April 30, 2012, 10:50 am
But, more than just signs, we had a lot in common. Like, often we’d be called first to present in class and stuff. Having that in common would have been a great foundation upon which our love could grow. But no, Michael A. had other interests – like Brooke’s over-developed boobs. In junior high all I could offer was my unibrow and pencil collection.
Budj April 30, 2012, 11:22 am
I too fell for the girls that had boobs way too soon when I was in middle school. haha.
Addie Pray April 30, 2012, 9:42 am
I don’t think there’s anything “overly sensitive” about you wishing you had been invited to meet Elaine’s fiancé’s parents, but I do think you’re being overly sensitive by taking it personally. It’s just dinner. And, significantly, it’s the first time Gary himself is meeting his daughter’s future in-laws. There are a ton of reasons why Elaine (or her fiancé or his family) has asked to keep this “first meeting” small that have nothing to do with you. I’m sure the next time you’ll be included. But instead of waiting to be invited, why don’t you and Gary invite them over for dinner sometime? I don’t think it needs to be any more complicated than that.
katie April 30, 2012, 10:44 am
This is the best solution. If it really means that much to you to be involved in a womans life who you have known for two years why don’t you invite them over for dinner yourself?
Amy B. April 30, 2012, 9:52 am
I can definitely see how you would feel left out of this dinner. Seeing as how the ex wife is bitter, she is probably playing games with the 30 year old daughter. The daughter lives at home with her mother and is probably an easy target for a mothers manipulation.
I would just move past the dinner and know that it is probably not a personal thing, seeing as how it seems like you and the daughter have gotten along well in the past.
I have a feeling the mother is playing games and might feel that her “mother of the bride” status is threatened by her ex husbands girlfriend.
Amy B. April 30, 2012, 9:54 am
Also, the daughter might be thirty, but it still doesn’t mean she is immune to her mother if her mother is indeed the one manipulating the situation and playing with her feelings. I don’t think you ever get too old to stop being affected by your mother.
AndreaMarie April 30, 2012, 10:02 am
Just as another poster stated, there is no such thing as a step-girlfriend. The dinner in question seems to be the big “blending of the 2 families” sit down. And even if you and her father are serious, you are still not a real part of the family at this time. That’s why she chose her grandfather for the addtional seat.
I wouldn’t be so offended. And I think you are overanalyzing. You really think this is an indicator that you wont be invited to the wedding??!!! You even stated that you have been invited to things and vis versa.
This is a dinner for her in introduce her “family” to his. And at this point you are not part of that permanent family.
Skyblossom April 30, 2012, 11:22 am
Completely agree! His daughter has probably been through her dad dating other women and saw those relationships not last. You would need to at least be engaged to her dad to be considered a part of the family.
Also, her new in-laws may not approve of unmarried men and women living together and would find your presence a reminder that her dad is living in sin.
I think Addie Pray had the best suggestion, invite them over to your place. Nobody can complain about you if you are a warm and gracious person. Be above all the conflict and everyone will appreciate you, including your boyfriend’s daughter.
ele4phant April 30, 2012, 11:53 am
“This is a dinner for her in introduce her “family” to his. And at this point you are not part of that permanent family.”
This. My father has been with a woman for the last few years. She’s very nice, I like her a lot, and I see how very important she is to my dad. But, when it comes to me, she still feels like an acquaintance. I’ve been around her only a dozen or so times, and she had no part in my childhood.
If she started demanding to be treated like my “family” I would be put off. Its not a reflection on me rejecting her role in my father’s life, but she doesn’t automatically get inserted into all my familial moments.
lets_be_honest April 30, 2012, 12:28 pm
I’m sure sampson will chime in and agree (if she hasn’t already).
LW is not family. You might be “just like family,” “practically married,” etc. except that you aren’t. Just accept that. Maybe I am the crazy one, but really why do you have time to be upset about this? For now, you are just the girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with the family-meeting dinner not including you.
My long-term SO’s little sister is getting married in a few months. I’ve been around a couple years longer than her fiance. My daughter (not my SO’s daughter) is in the wedding. I’ve volunteered to help plan the bridal shower. I’ve spent a fortune on my daughter’s dress. I’ve shopped for my SO’s tux. I’ve been to all the family holidays. I’ve hosted his extended family. Everyone assumes we will be married at some point. I could go on and on.
What I am not a part of is the actual wedding. You know why? Because I’m just the girlfriend. That’s my role as of today. I love his family dearly, and they love me as well. But we aren’t family yet. I don’t belong in professional family pictures yet. And I’m totally cool with that. What’s the old saying? It is what it is. Accept who you are right now in his family and be happy for them.
Iwannatalktosampson April 30, 2012, 8:48 pm
Totally agree! Why would you get mad about missing this? First meetings are awkward and don’t always go accordin to plan. Sounds awful. I scheduled a half marathon on the day of my brother in laws girlfriends graduation just so I didn’t have to go to the meeting of the families. That shit is awful. And there is NEVER enough booze to make it not suck. Take the exit strategy while you can and quit making this about you!!! Her wedding is not an appropriate time to wage war on the respect you want your relationship to be given! You are the short term girlfriend. You have been around for two years of her 30 year life!
Kate B April 30, 2012, 10:29 am
I understand how you can feel hurt, but you need to take the high road. You are her father’s girlfriend, not his wife, and this probably makes a difference in the eyes of the family. This is a dynamic over which you have no control, so the best thing to do is accept it gracefully.
Suzanne April 30, 2012, 10:43 am
LW, I hope that your relationship with Gary works out. To give some context of what the bride is thinking, Elaine has presumably seen her dad’s girlfriends come and go over the past 12 years, and while she may like you very much, she isn’t sure you will be around for the long term. If you and Gary were married or engaged, that would be another story. Weddings are about family, and you are not yet at that level. If you do become a permanent member of the family, I’m sure that she will welcome you in.
Suzanne April 30, 2012, 10:44 am
PS – it doesn’t really matter whether Elaine is manipulated by her mother or not, the request came from her so you should assume she does agree with her own actions.
katie April 30, 2012, 10:51 am
Don’t make this about you. You are pretty far removed from this situation…. And there is no actual thing binding you and your boyfriend. I feel like this is kind of what people do when a friend of a friend knows a celebrity- all of a sudden they know a celebrity… But in reality, a friend of a friends mother went to college with them or something. Don’t be that person laying claim to something that is pretty far away from your personal life. Like someone said above, your boyfriends daughters fiances parents is just so far removed from you there is no reason to be offended.
I think weddings make people feel like this… They want to be totally involved, taking part in those ‘special’ moments…. But some people need to understand when it isn’t about them. As in, she is not your daughter, and so this is not going to be your mother of the bride experience.
caitie_didnt April 30, 2012, 10:52 am
This isn’t a wedding invitation we’re talking about here. If it was, it would be absolutely rude of Elaine to exclude the LW. As it is LW, you are not her family. This dinner is a parental event. As many others have mentioned, you arrived on scene two years ago, when Elaine was already an adult. You were not present for her teen or childhood years and even if you have a good relationship, she probably doesn’t see you as a mother/parental figure. Therefore, she has no reason to invite you to a family dinner, because again, you’re not her step-parent.
If you make this about you and cause a fuss, you’ll only succeed in alienating yourself from Elaine. And if you make it all about you, you’ll be the one who comes off as an unstable, slightly crazy beyotch. Even if she’s being manipulated by her mother, which is totally possible, it’s not your business. Let it go and wait for your wedding invitation.
saridout April 30, 2012, 10:56 am
I think you’re being totally overly sensitive. The point of the dinner between in-laws is for each set of parents to meet the people who raised the person their child is marrying. They trade stories about their kids and maybe commiserate a little. The most you could contribute at a get-together like that is, “Well Elaine and I always get along pretty well at dinners.” If I were Elaine, I wouldn’t invite you either.
Sorry, you don’t belong there. Maybe wait a few years, marry the guy, and then you might have a leg to stand on.
ele4phant April 30, 2012, 11:47 am
I wouldn’t put Elaine in an awkward position by confronting her over this. Should you, given the time you’ve been with her father, been invited? Probably. Should Elaine be a grown-up and invite you anyways? Yeah. But it sounds like the ex-wife and Elaine’s mother has some axe to grind, and given that Elaine *lives* with the woman, I’m sure she’s hard for Elaine to ignore her demands.
Imagine yourself as Elaine, your mother is going nuts and making unreasonable demands, and then you get a call from your father’s long-time girlfriend pushing back, demanding an invite. Sucks, wouldn’t it?
Don’t take this personally. Take the high road. Call Elaine and invite her out for brunch or a dinner to celebrate her dinner. If you through a fit your just digging yourself into a deeper hole.
ele4phant April 30, 2012, 11:48 am
celebrate her *engagement*. Excuse me.
Buzzelbee April 30, 2012, 11:49 am
It’s possible it has to do with the fiance’s parents. People have so many cultural biases when it comes to weddings and families, not to mention anxieties around doing everything just right at these events, that maybe it’s easier on his parents to delay the meeting so that when it does occur everyone is in a good place to really talk and get to know each other rather than it being this BIG deal. It’s hard but maybe you could sit back and think of it as letting everyone have time to space out meeting their new family rather than forcing something. If you are together with Gary for the long term you will have plenty of time to meet everyone and be integrated into the family.
ColorsOfTheWind April 30, 2012, 11:53 am
At no point does the LW talk about her relationship with her boyfriend’s daughter. His daughter is 30 years old and was 28 when you came into her life. She had no hand in raising her boyfriend’s daughter, so I’m not sure whey she feels so entitled to a close family only affair. If she didn’t get invited to the wedding I would understand, but in this case it seems more like she is overreacting.
redessa April 30, 2012, 12:37 pm
“At no point does the LW talk about her relationship with her boyfriend’s daughter.”
Sure she does. She says, “I have had her and her mother at my house many times for dinner birthdays, etc. We seemed to get along great…never a problem.”
Otherwise I agree with your basic point. Being able to get along for a meal or party is not the same thing as a mother/daughter type of relationship. And just because Elaine’s mom is able to play nice with her ex-husband’s girlfriend, it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t feel like her toes were being stepped on to have that same woman introduced to the fiance’s parents at a family dinner as if she (the girlfriend) were also a parental figure to the bride.
I think that’s where the LW is overstepping here. This meeting is about the bride and groom and the people who raised them and shaped them into the people they are. For Elaine this includes her mother, father and grandfather. Even if the LW and Gary were married, although she might have been invited by default, she would not hold that type of place in Elaine’s heart. I’m not saying they can’t be friendly or even close, but Elaine will probably never see her as a mother figure and that’s okay. It doesn’t sound like Elaine excludes or shuns the LW in general so LW should graciously step back and not try to insert herself into this event.
bethany May 1, 2012, 9:50 am
Can I just say that I love your picture?? Cats in hats are the best 🙂
landygirl April 30, 2012, 12:33 pm
Is the ex-wife really bitter or is that what the husband says? You say you’ve had both the daughter and her mother over, I assume that you all get along since it has happened multiple times. Methinks the BF likes using the bitter ex-wife excuse.
I’m fairly certain that Elaine is capable of thinking for herself. Please don’t take it personally, you are not a part of her family.
I also have to wonder how old the LW is.
anon April 30, 2012, 1:31 pm
with these types of questions, I always wonder if opinions would be the same if the roles were reversed. What if the person who was hurt about not being invited to a family event was a child’s significant other instead of a parent’s? Theoretically, if LW and her boyfriend were getting married and it was the daughter’s significant other who was upset about not being invited to a meet the in-laws dinner, how would we respond to that?
In my own life I’ve noticed that parents’ significant others are given more validation when they get upset about something like this than children’s significant others, even when everyone is an adult.
I don’t really know the answer, I just wanted to put this thought out there.
bittergaymark April 30, 2012, 2:07 pm
It’s high time that mere live-in girlfriends stop demanding all the perks of marriage.
LW, get over yourself. You aren’t the bride’s stepmother, far from it, and being that you have only been in her life since she was 28, you really have absolutely NO business being at an event that involves the meeting of the parents. You have never been a parent to the bride. In the end, it’s really that simple.
MiMi April 30, 2012, 5:48 pm
You can’t really know this woman’s motivation for not including you in the invitation. Maybe she’s an insensitive bridezilla. Maybe she thought three guests would be too much of a burden for her future in-laws. Maybe she wanted Granpa to feel special that day. Whatever it is, remind yourself that this is not a popularity contest. She can invite whomever she wants wherever she wants without it being a deeply meaningful commentary on you, your status, or anything else. If she’s bellied up to your table multiple times but has not reciprocated your friendship or care, then open your eyes to reality and see that she is no more than an acquaintance and a free-dinner-eater who happens to be related to your S.O. and let it go.
fast eddie April 30, 2012, 8:00 pm
The brides snubbing the LW, plain and simple but she and her in-laws are going to be part of the family for a very long time. Finding our what the lack of including her is all about is a good idea but it’s the brides decision and her’s alone. Better to make nice and take it on the chin THIS TIME. If she keeps it up then there’s something amiss and it needs to be addressed. Lay low for the time being so as to not put a thorn in the wedding which would make matters worse.
bittergaymark April 30, 2012, 8:12 pm
I don’t know if it’s really a snub. It a meeting of her family and his. The LW simply isn’t her family by any stretch of the imagination. On the other hand, what could be more awkward than meeting your future inlaws with your father’s new shack up honey in tow?
“Yeah, my family really respects marriage to its fullest. Oh, by the way, did you meet my divorced father’s live in girl friend? I barely know her, but love her like the wife she simply isn’t at this time… Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes, nothing is more precious and important to my family than marriage…”
bethany May 1, 2012, 9:54 am
I totally agree with you. It’s not a snub. It’s a meeting of the FAMILIES, which the LW is not. It’s really that simple.
ele4phant April 30, 2012, 8:38 pm
I agree with BGM. I don’t see how this is a snub. This isn’t the wedding. This isn’t a holiday like Thanksgiving that focuses generally on not just family but all loved ones. This is the meeting of her family with his family. Its not really the LW’s place to be there. This isn’t an event to validate the LW’s relationship with her boyfriend the father, its actually got nothing at all to do with her.
My parents divorced a few years ago and have both found new companions. I like both my father’s girlfriend and my mother’s boyfriend. They are both great people, and they both make my parents very happy. For that, they have nothing but my admiration and gratitude.
What they are not are parental figures to me in any way, shape, or form. I met them when I was already out of the house, they had no part in raising me. If I was Elaine and in the process of having my parents meet my fiance’s parents, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to include them. For the wedding sure. For holidays of course. But the short of it is is that the LW isn’t Elaine’s mother, stepmother, or motherly figure. She doesn’t need to be there.
Sue Jones April 30, 2012, 9:33 pm
Let it roll off your back. If you throw a hissy fit it only makes you look bad at this point. Be gracious and let it go. It’s not like you have been raising your BF’s daughter since she was 3 or anything…
Sarah April 30, 2012, 11:37 pm
Honestly, are you sure that you were *not invited*? And not just implicitly invited? Because as someone near that age, I could completely see myself in that situation and making plans with my parent and asking them to call grampa about it (for whatever reason contacting gramps directly isn’t the most efficient thing), but not even thinking that I would need to specifically invite my parent’s long-term SO because *obviously* one’s SO is invited to social events.
If you were simply not specifically invited, than your SO should mention you somehow (how excited you are for it, et c.) when he next talks to his daughter and unless there’s drama then of course you were invited in the first place. If you were specifically not invited, then I’d let this one dinner go for now but talk with your BF about improving your relationship with his daughter, and figuring out if this was a snub or just a family-only event (and her definition of family just does not include live-in-but-not-(going-to-be)-married-significant-others.)
Jakdrake May 1, 2012, 4:10 am
Why some people insist to be invited into wedding/family dinner/bridal shower/baby shower?
Its to much hassle. think about the time and money you have to spent for the make-up, the hairdo, the dress, the shoes, and the gift/present.
It’s OK that is for YOUR close friends and families, but for someone that you not known that well, that just wasting time and money that you can spent with your loved ones (or for your self^^).
christinalovesdogs May 1, 2012, 1:01 pm
yes. you are being too sensitive. you aren’t her family.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 3:35 pm
Another note – why are you so sure that she is bitter? She had a fling that ended the marriage correct? You’re getting everything from Gary’s point of view right? I somehow doubt that if she ended the marriage (by cheating – even if it was he who filed) she is bitter. Maybe a bunch of shit went down before she cheated and she just really doesn’t like him. Ever think of that? It’s not mature of her to hate him since they have kids together – but maybe she just doesn’t like him. Everyone always paints themselves in the best light possible. Do you really think Gary would tell you if he had some indiscretions in the marriage too? Or that he just quit having sex with her because he got too busy. Or starting being verbally abusive? I mean you really have no idea why the marriage ended besides what Gary told you. So please for the sake of women everywhere don’t just jump to the conclusion that because she doesn’t like him it must be because he’s such a hot hunk of burning love and he left her and she’s miserable about it. He might just be a douche who she doesn’t care for.
July February 8, 2017, 12:59 am
I think the daughter might be thinking of her mother and father as the in laws to her future husband. You are not her mom. It’s just so the parents of the newlyweds can meet. Maybe you can be sweet and send a pie with your boyfriend to take from you to the family.
on the outside also March 20, 2019, 5:35 pm
She doesn’t want you there because (1) she wants to talk wedding plans and your opinion is not welcome. (2) she is going to ask dad for money and she doesn’t consider you to be part of that equation either . I am past caring about what his ex and daughter do any more . His mother just acts like everthing is hunky dory . MY feelings and MY son are NEVER included in family planning . IF I attend I am ignored anyway so I just stopped going to anything . I am ready to dump this relationship because I don’t like my son to think this is proper – and that this is the way to treat anyone . .. Our men do not make us important so their families don’t either . plain and simple. Maybe its time to find a man that does .