Your Turn: “Should I Wait for My Ex to Leave His Sick Girlfriend For Me?”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I was with my ex for just under three years. We lived together for the majority of that time, and although we weren’t perfect — who is? — we were good together. We broke up in May 2011, but it was a weird sort of break up. We stopped living together, but he claimed that he was still in love with me and we went out on dates together like a new couple. Then he came around one day in August and completely ended it. I still don’t really know what happened, although he’s explained it.
Then after an incident this May I was put into a psychiatric hospital and whilst there I realized that I was still in love with him. So, when I was released, I got back in contact with him and told him how I felt. He said that he felt the same but was ‘trapped’ in a relationship with another girl — that they got together but shortly after she got sick and consequently was financially dependent on him. He says that he doesn’t love her, but he doesn’t want to hurt her either.

We started doing the sort-of-dating thing again. Then he told me that he had finished with her, but obviously they are still living together as she is sick, can’t work and therefore can’t be financially independent. Then he didn’t call me for ages. What he finally did call, he said he hates the fact that he’s either hurting me or hurting her. I don’t really understand what’s going on. He says he loves me and wants to be together but then seems to back-track. I don’t know if this is worth pursuing or if he is just messing me around. It would be worth the wait if I knew that he is doing something, that he wants the same thing and that he is willing to take action to get it. Help? — Tired of Waiting in Vain

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49 Comments

  1. Run run run away from this guy and the whole situation. After your incident in May, you need to focus on you and your health and happiness. And I don’t think this guy is going to enhance either of those. Look, if a guy wants to be with a girl, HE WILL BE WITH HER. The crazy scenarios of “he wants to be with you but can’t because of X” primarily happen in overwrought film romances. So leave this guy and take care of yourself. And when you decide to date again, look for a guy who will be a *stabilizing* force in your life.

    1. Oh my god I couldn’t agree more. I swear legitimate romantic obstacles only exist on a movie screen to further a plot and solidify two lovers’ feelings for each other before the credits roll. Real life is rarely that dramatic.

      I faced a somewhat similar situation, and here’s what I did. I suggest you do the same. (Use it verbatim if you want.)

      I told the guy, “Look, you obviously have a lot of stuff going on right now. That’s fine. It happens. But I have to get on with my life. I’ve done the thing where I pine for a guy I can’t have, and it’s torturous. I’m older now, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to make better choices for myself. So do what you need to do. I’m going to move on. If you want a relationship with me, deal with your stuff and then call me. If you don’t, no hard feelings. Have a nice life.”

      Two weeks later, he called me to let me know that he got his act together, was closing that chapter of his life, and he wanted to be with me. For a couple of months, I paid attention to his actions, which matched up with this words. We’re celebrating a year together next month.

      I didn’t expect my guy to do that. In fact, I had zero expectations. But I knew that if he never called me, then he was never going to be mine ever. Under any circumstances. Same goes for you.

      1. That should be printed on little cards and given to anyone who tries to string us along. Love it.

    2. lemongrass says:

      My husband hates rom-coms for that reason. Every time I watch one he says “Why do they have to break up to figure out that they want to be together? That’s not how real life is! This crap is just sending the message to women that they need to try harder to keep a guy after a break up!”

      1. Plus, it encourages people to play stupid games – I have a friend who’s girlfriend would continually break up with him and move out whenever things weren’t going her way. NOT a good way to solve your problems as a couple.

  2. Wow. Like I said to LW yestaerday, would you even WANT to be with a guy that would do that? In this case that= leave a sick, financially dependent GF to get back with an ex.
    Also, I´m guessing the “incident” that got you “put into a psychiatric hospital” was kind of a big deal. And instead of working on your issues you realized you were still in love with this guy? I wuld say to get the help you need, and forget about him. He did dump you, after all. And if he dumps his current GF for you, who knows how long it would last this time (not to mention what an asshole move it would be)

    1. Don’t worry, it’s highly unlikely he actually has a sick, financially-dependent gf.

    2. Yeah… this whole “incident” that got you “put into a psychiatric hospital” can’t just be brushed off with a throwaway line. People don’t go into psychiatric hospitals for mild depression – the only person I know who has been in one booked himself in when his severe bipolar disorder got out of control. The fact that you had an “incident” doesn’t tell us whether it was a bad anxiety attack or the fact that you tried to burn down a public library.

      Now obviously people with mental illnesses still deserve to have wonderful relationships. However, it’s going to affect those relationship in ways that require more informed advice than a bunch of strangers on the internet can offer based on three paragraphs of data. Don’t speak to us – speak to your therapist. You need advice from someone who understands you and your situation better.

  3. MTFOA! Seriously LW, move the fuck on already and while you’re at it, develop some self respect. Your ex-boyfriend is stringing you along and it’s absolutely pathetic that you allow this to continue. So, in case you’re not sure, what should you do about it? Cease all communication with him and MTFOA!

    1. Ooh, could MTFOA be the next mug?

      1. I would definitely buy a MTFOA mug! And I agree with everyone else, LW, both in the “MTFOA” sense and the “please deal with the issue that landed you in a psychiatric hospital” sense.

  4. I think your focus should be on your psychological and emotional well-being. And your ex does nothing to promote either of those. Not to mention he is still involved with another woman who is sick and needs help herself. Does she even know about this thing with you and your ex? Did you even think about her? He says he’s trapped- I say he’s a jerk who wants his cake and eat it too. MOA and get help.

  5. kerrycontrary says:

    Yes, he’s messing you around. You two broke up for a reason, and even if you don’t get what it is, he does. And I don’t mean to be insensitive, but you probably shouldn’t decide that you still love someone while you are in a psychiatric hospital. Just a general rule of thumb. Just leave the past in the past and cut off all contact with him no matter how badly it hurts.

  6. artsygirl says:

    LW – Walk away. Please for your own mental well-being, do not attempt to get back with your ex. In my mind he is either one of two personalities. He might be the savior type who started dating a sick woman less than a year ago and obviously got very serious with her in a sort period if he is providing financial assistance during her protracted illness. Maybe he wants to save the world, but that means you will only be interesting to him as long as you need saving. The other option is that he is a class 3 creeper. After all he broke up with you in a douche baggie way but now wants you to sneak around with him because he doesn’t want to dump his sick girlfriend. Keep that in mind – he doesn’t want to hurt HER feelings but doesn’t seem to give a flying fig about yours. Seriously there is no way this ends well. If you are truly meant to be with this man, then he can seek you out after his has dealt with his own problems.

    1. I think you nailed it.

  7. MOA.

    You’re in no place mentally and emotionally to deal with this guy. He’s bad news. There is nothing good for you here.

  8. LW…no. It is not “worth the wait” to be with a manipulative guy who already broke up with you once. The reason you’re still confused over the break-up (“I still don’t really know what happened, although he’s explained it”) is because your ex was never giving you the full story. It wasn’t a “weird sort of break up” or whatever you want to call it– it was him keeping you on a hook.

    And now he’s doing it again. Come on, this guy isn’t “finished” with his girlfriend. And he’s not “trapped” in a relationship with her. He’s another girl WILLINGLY, while stringing you along at the same time & lying to both of you (I mean, I’m sure he hasn’t told her that he’s “sort of” dating his ex-girlfriend again, right?)

    If he DOES break up with this girl to be with you, how would you ever be sure that he’d be a stable partner? He’s already ignoring you for long periods of time & back-tracking on everything he says. He already dumped you once & if he dumps his “sick, financially dependent” girlfriend, then that’s TWO times that he’s walked out of a serious, domicile-sharing relationship.

    Stop waiting around for him to take action…you’ll only get hurt for a (second? third?) time.

  9. My sense is that LW has left a LOT of important stuff out of the letter.

    Is the guy strictly a “white knight” type as artsygirl said? Is he only saying what he thinks will soothe LW? If so, is it for his own reasons, or is it out of fear that otherwise LW might end up in the hospital again?

    On that hospital, note that words “I was put” — by whom?

    I agree with Desiree. The LW needs to MOA but, even more, she needs to start afresh in completely different environs and focus on healthy, supportive activities, etc. Join a hiking club, try amateur theatre, volunteer at SPCA — stuff like that.

    1. Guy Friday says:

      Yeah, honestly, this letter struck me this way too. Also, not to cast aspersions or anything, but I kind of wonder if whatever psychosis resulted in LW being “put” in a psych ward — and I can’t emphasize enough that I’ve never heard anyone say they were “put” in a ward if it was their idea to go in in the first place — is making her read things into this guy’s statements that aren’t there. I mean, what does “sort of dating” even mean? They go out for meals and he picks up the check? He compliments her and makes her feel better when she needs it? What?

      Now, it’s entirely possible he really is a douche who’s trying to play her. But I also wonder if it’s possible that he views the LW as someone mentally unstable who he has to be gentle to for fear of her hurting herself, him, or his girlfriend. I’m not saying this guy is being intellectually honest, but I wonder if despite what the LW is hearing his comments as they’re ACTUALLY less a “I want to be with you, but I can’t hurt my girlfriend” and more a “You’re important to me, and I care about you, but I can’t hurt my girlfriend like that.” I think if it was the latter, we wouldn’t look at it as him stringing her along, even if he isn’t outright rejecting her for fear of how she’d take it.

      1. Well…I know someone who cut herself badly enough to need emergency care, and then once she was in the hospital for that basically got “put” into the psych ward. Though I don’t know all the details. I assume the LW must have been suicidal or something.

      2. Yeah, I´m pretty sure a person can be taken involuntarily to a psych ward if they´re considered dangerous for themselves or others.

      3. Rangerchic says:

        Well if that is the case – how long ago was LW released? If it wasn’t that long ago she really needs to focus on her well being. And it could be he knows and wants to let her down gently not wanting her to spiral out of control again. So far I agree with everyone that she really needs to move on and concentrate on making herself happy before entering any kind of relationship.

      4. I totally agree, I said something similar in my coment above. ANd good point about how maybe the guy is trying to let LW down gently.
        Just the way LW glosses over the psych thing makes me think shes not really getting the help she needs.

  10. Why do you HAVE to have THIS ONE GUY? There are tons of others out there, guys who doesn’t need the ego-fixes this one apparently craves. He gets to feel like a complete hero for being the caring, sweet guy who sacrifices himself for the sick girl, while supposedly pining for you. That is complete and utter bullshit.

    If he cared about either of you, he wouldn’t a) continue to go behind the back of his sick GF, whom he is OBVIOUSLY still involved with, or b) keep you on the backburner by claiming that he’s “trapped”.

    He’s an ass. Stop falling for it, and spend some time contemplating why you think you deserve so little that you’d spend your time pining for an emotionally cheating douche with zero loyalty to his sick GF.

  11. Michelle.Lea says:

    so, what happens if he leaves her, gets back together with you, and you get sick and need to depend on him? dont think ‘i’ll never be sick’ because shit like that happens with no warning. Think he’ll stick around and take care of you in the long run? I’m guessing no…

  12. Is he even telling the truth? That aside, he’s either a guy who can’t commit to you or a guy who is treating a sick woman like crap. Actually, he’s both. What he’s doing is awful, and there are plenty of guys out there who are a lot nicer than that.

  13. He has a girlfriend and its not you. MOA.

  14. Tinywormhole says:

    The fact that you are even considering this as possibly a viable situation shows you have a ton of work to do on your own mental well being. Get yourself in therapy if you aren’t already, and figure out how to depend on yourself for happiness rather than undermining your self respect to try and find it.

  15. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    Look, LW, a lot of mean/harsh words came to my mind initially but I don’t think that is what you need. You need to focus on your own health (both physical and mental). Do not date anyone right now!! Get yourself to therapy, take time to fully explore why you had to go to a psychiatric hospital, and then eventually when you are of sound mind explore dating again. Please take time to work on yourself and leave this guy alone.

    1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      I should clarify that I didn’t mean that you should explore dating your ex once you’re in a better mental state. I don’t think you should ever take him back. Ever.

    2. Avatar photo theattack says:

      Can I just say that I love that you wanted to say mean things but didn’t? More of us should be like you and think about whether tough love is what the LW needs or if it’s just what comes out of our mouths more easily.

      And I second everything you just said. LW really needs to get herself stable without involving anyone else she could potentially become dependent on.

  16. LW — MOA. Sometimes it helps to hear what you already know. Your break-up wasn’t super mysterious. It was easier for your ex to have sex with other women when he wasn’t living with you. He quickly figured out that he could still date and have sex with you on days that these other women weren’t available. The times you didn’t hear from him for a while? Periods in which the supply of other women was plentiful. He came back to you, when available women were scarce. You have put yourself in a position in which he knows he can manipulate you to always be his ‘last available woman’, which means you are also his last choice. It sounds like you are unhappy with this arrangement. Your ex senses that you are in danger of slipping off his hook, but he used the no expense to him excuse of a sick gf, whom he is too honorable to leave, even though he has zero interest in her. Does he really seem to you like the sort of guy who would ever stay with and financially support a woman in whom he has zero interest? Based upon what you’ve written about him, that seems quite the stretch.

  17. Before we get into what this guy is or isn’t about (bleeding heart knight in shining armor or lying manipulator?), I would address what’s going on with you LW.

    This reminds me very much of yesterday’s letter about falling in love with a high school sweetheart of long ago. The circumstances are different but the gist is the same. When you are down and out –alone, single, and in the midst of a mental health crisis –your heart cannot help but search for a way out. So it finds the nearest thing it can identify that resembles love, happiness, and peace of mine. That “thing” was probably your ex. But it’s a false promise. You need to do the hard work of being alone, reflecting on why that relationship didn’t work out (he explained it but you didn’t understand it, so spend some more time on it), and rebuilding a picture of what an ideal/healthy partner and relationship looks like to you.

    That’s the advice portion of my comment. On a personal note, I have an electric reaction to any mention of relationships with sick women. I was one when I was suddenly diagnosed with cancer in a 1.5 year relationship with a man I thought I’d marry. My diagnosis terrified him and the bottom fell out. What I learned is that illness doesn’t end a relationship, it just reveals the hidden flaws and fractures the way any crisis will do. Surviving a crisis together is a sign that your relationship is strong and battle tested. I also learned the incredible importance of finding compassion in a life partner/spouse. And there you have my additional 2 cents.

    1. I get the same electric reaction on relationships with sick women. My chronic illness started when I was in a relationship of 4 months. It dragged on far longer than it should have from guilt on both sides.

      LW, you need to move on. Focus on yourself for awhile. It sounds like you need it. It sounds like the guy also needs it to sort out his own issues. Putting both of your issues together right now sounds like a good way to get an implosion. So skip the fireworks and just enjoy being yourself.

  18. Just MOA already, I wouldn’t trust this guys story, depending on this women’s story is that he is currently dating, and living with, I would have to assume that she has some sort of family that could help her out. But you never know he could be one of those guys who try to help out women who have no other help, and uses that to get in a relationship with them. You really do need to work on yourself, and just try being single for a while. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, and definitely not one with this guy.

  19. lemongrass says:

    You broke up. I’m not saying that couples who break up and then get back together can’t make it work, I’ll say they rarely make it work. To do so they have to acknowledge the reasons why the relationship didn’t work and work on those issues. It takes deep communication, self insight, a strong desire and a maturity that didn’t exist before. You and this guy are not there either separately or apart. It is time to start a new chapter in your life- move forward, with your life, relationships, mental health. This guy is your past- safe and predictable. The unknown is scary but that is what you need to do.

  20. Avatar photo landygirl says:

    Are we being punked this week?

    1. Right? I was just about to post another “is this letter for real” comment. I mean is it? For real?

  21. This guy is bad news. He is stringing you along and whether he loves you or not seems to be irrelevant because he’s clearly not treating you like he is! Actions speak louder than words.

    It’s too easy for him for skate by on this “good guy” image of “oh I’m helping her out because she’s sick.” Get a grip, buddy. It does no one any favors when you pretend to love them!

    Look, here’s my thing. A break up is a break up is a break up! If you broke up once, you’re bound to break up again. He did it to you once, he’s doing it to you again, and he’ll do it again if you let him. MOA! Go find yourself someone worthy of your love. Preferably someone who returns your phone calls and DOESN’T live with another woman!

  22. SixtyFour says:

    I think the better person to pose this question to would be a therapist rather than a bunch of internet strangers. Please, please, seak out some help. A therapist will be able to help you work through these issues, whatever issues led you to the physciatric hospital, and how to find the right guy and the right relationship that will make you happy.

  23. It doesn’t matter whether or not this guy is messing you around. You’re messing yourself around. You gloss over the fact that you were in a psych ward, and, at least the way this letter reads, it seems the strongest takeaway you had from that experience had to do with somebody else.

    No. Get yourself right. Do yoga. Meditate. Go out dancing with your friends. Get a pet. Say a prayer. Whatever you need to do to start being good to yourself- do that. Walk away from a man who has shown you with his actions that he is not willing to be with you. He doesn’t sound like much of a catch either, but I’m not gonna go there because YOU wrote in, not him.

    It’s not easy. I know firsthand because I just did it myself. You have the strength to do this. Now do it.

  24. Ok, stop. Your incident in May and your psychiatric hospital stay should be wake up call to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and not let people like this into your life to hurt you! Be kind to yourself. Staying or waiting for this guy is doing the opposite of that. Its like you’re running in circles around a land mine just waiting to walk over it. Stop stop stop.

    Ask yourself honestly, is this going to go well? Is he going to carefully extricate himself from this relationship with a sick girl so he can have a fulfilling and healthy relationship with you? Of course not. He’s going to sleep with you, and stay with her, and maybe even sleep with her more, then tell you he’s leaving her, then he wont and then he will but he’ll have mixed feelings about you over and over and over again. Even IF this guy managed to dump this sick woman, could you be ok with that? Or is that an even more poisonous trap to get stuck in?

    You want to know what I think? I think you know staying with this guy is going to end badly. I think you know that and you’re doing it anyway. Why? For the reason we all do these things, we want someone to help us and we don’t know how to ask. You mentioned you were “put in” a psychiatric hospital. Does this mean you aren’t proactively seeking therapy now? If you aren’t in therapy, that needs to be your priority wayyyy more than this douche. Take care or yourself and be kind to you. Letting this guy who broke your heart choose you (at some point) isn’t being kind to you. If you are in counseling, really talk to your counselor/therapist about whether waiting for this guy will make your satisfied or will make you miserable (more than he is already).

    And this is coming from personal experience, being in love with a guy and him loving you back doesn’t mean you are good for each other. My first guy I loved left me feeling more lonely and devastated on a consistent basis than any other guy before or since. Being in love isn’t enough, it has to be healthy for you too. And I think you know this isn’t.

  25. Your EX is full of shit. If she were truly sick and dependent on him AND he no longer wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t be with her. She would have to be dependent on Social Security/Disability, Medicaid, and her own family for help.

    He’s dicking you around. Plain and simple. For your own mental health, please, cut your losses now and MOVE ON ALREADY!

  26. I think anytime the phrase “while I was in a psychiatric hospital I realized I was still in love with him” is involved, someone should throw up a major stop sign. Leave aside the fact that this guy really is just stringing you along, but if you were in a hospital a mere 5 months ago then you need to be concentrating on only your own well-being. Build up relationships with family and friends, build up your support system, and get yourself to a place where you can be happy and healthy. That’s what’s important. Not this guy (or any guy really, for that matter). He will only make things worse and possibly cause you to relapse. Once you’re in a good place in your own mental health then you will have a better chance of finding a real relationship with someone else who deserves you.

  27. llclarityll says:

    My head hurts just reading this letter.

    Please, please have some self respect and never talk to this dude again.

  28. Any time the phrase “after an incident this May I was put into a psychiatric hospital” is tossed off casually without any further explanation, I think the rest of the letter sort of recedes into the background. LW, it sounds like you’re manufacturing relationship drama to distract you from whatever this “incident” was and the fallout from it. Stop. Stay away from men with girlfriends. In fact, stay away from men altogether. Get your own shit together instead of messing in someone else’s.

  29. LW…take a break from this guy…focus on your mental health because this guy can only hurt you right now…if you are just out of a psychiatric hospital the last thing you need is a guy messing with your head

  30. Like so many others have said, run away from this guy fast. He’s with a woman for no other reason than guilt right now, correct? Well he doesn’t seem to feel too bad stringing you around while you’re sick yourself. that right there should tell you all you need to know. He’s keeping you around because it boosts his ego and self esteem. Not only does he have a girlfriend at home, he has another girl pining away for him. And if he’s kinda dating you, he’s kinda cheating on his girlfriend. That should send red flags up for you! I know you’re going through a hard time, and believe me when I say that there are those of us who can relate to many aspects of this letter. You need to step away from him. Your relationship with him is toxic. Surround yourself with other people. Seek therapy. Do anything but date this guy.

    You really don’t know why he broke up with you before? He’s not explaining it? Well you’re not listening. His lack of an explanation, if that’s the case, should be very telling. Don’t fool yourself into believing that he’s some nice guy who wants to let you down gently. If he really cared about you at all ever, he would have explained the reason for the break up and he would leave you alone. End of story.

  31. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

    Somehow, I imagine that the revelations one has about their love life while confined to a mental hospital probably aren’t exact the most sound…

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