Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “We Can’t Agree On Where to Live”

My boyfriend (37) and I (30) have been seeing each other for a year. We both own condos in the suburbs, fifty miles away from each other. We started discussing moving in together about five months ago as I am tired of the distance between us and only seeing each other on the weekends. I work at a university in the city, fifteen miles away from my home. I also have one semester of grad school left at my university, and my tuition is free since I work there. He is self-employed, working from home, and makes three times my salary. His sister is moving back to this state this week and is renting out his condo with her family. I offered for him to move in with me, and he declined because my condo is much smaller than his and too far away from his golf courses and family/friends.

He said he wants to buy a house for us to move into together. He will be buying it all by himself, and I will be contributing monthly when I move in. I also have a solid tenant for my condo. My name will not be on the mortgage, and I am not investing any money with him. Properties that meet all of his requirements (specifically over one acre of land and that he can also afford) are all located over forty miles away from my work. This would make a three-hour daily commute for me. He sees it as no big deal, but this commute is a deal-breaker for me. He won’t budge on the land or space. My work has amazing benefits and flexibility that I don’t want to give up. I have to stay there at least until I finish grad school. Then I said I would look for another job, which I really don’t want to do.

He is trying to find properties closer, but everything is too expensive. I also offered to stay where I am until I get a job closer, but he just gets mad at me. He says that he wants me to be happy and doesn’t want me to move out of the house if I hate it. He won’t compromise on the land or space at all. I feel like I don’t have much say because he is paying for the house, but at the same time I feel very bitter because I will be the one commuting eighty miles a day, living sixty miles away from my parents and friends. I am also giving up beach living that I absolutely love. Waterfront location is the main reason I bought my condo. And overall I feel upset that he won’t compromise. — Looking For a Compromise


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26 comments… add one
  • bagge72 June 30, 2016, 8:32 am

    Don’t do it. You guys aren’t meant to be, and you are going to be miserable. It’s probably time to MOA. Don’t give up a job you love, and a place you love to live for a guy who wouldn’t do the same for you.

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    • ktfran June 30, 2016, 8:37 am

      Agreed. Said much simpler than I typed then subsequently deleted.

      I will add that even though he’s the one buying the house, it’s for your shared future. You should definitely have a say in the process.

      Unless you haven’t talked about marriage or spending the rest of your lives together, then I’d say you’d have less input.

      Regardless, WBS.

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    • Moneypenny June 30, 2016, 11:34 am

      You pretty much sum it up.

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  • em June 30, 2016, 8:34 am

    this has “nope” written all over it. for pete’s sake, most people only dream of living at the beach! you can find someone better who is more considerate and capable of compromise, 2 key things to successful relationships

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  • Juliecatharine June 30, 2016, 8:42 am

    Didn’t we cover this pretty thoroughly in the forum?

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  • csp June 30, 2016, 8:44 am

    TRUST ME! A commute that long will be a killer in the long term. I did it for a year and it was awful. And down the road, if you want a family, it will make it almost impossible. I would tell him that you understand his dream and it is his money buying this house. But honestly, he is only thinking about himself and not about you. I feel like the pressure to do this now is odd as well. His anger at waiting seems odd. I mean, why would that make him mad?

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  • MiMi June 30, 2016, 9:10 am

    Since he won’t give up on his wishes for a large property close to his golf course (!) and his friends (but you can leave a job you love or add hours to your work day commuting), I think you should take his expressed wish of wanting you to be happy to heart and dump his selfish ass. Time to upgrade to a better boyfriend.

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  • Nico June 30, 2016, 9:44 am

    Sure, totally do it. Sacrifice your happiness for someone who puts his need to be near a GOLF COURSE over your success and well being and time, and just plain YOU.

    This all checks out, I am sure you will be together forever.
    Until, that is, you torch that perfect house and all it represents after you’ve finally grown a backbone.

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    • SpaceySteph June 30, 2016, 10:15 am

      Yup. “He won’t compromise on the land or space at all.” This is definitely husband material. Uncompromising people are so fun and interesting to be with for the rest of your life.

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    • Trixy Minx June 30, 2016, 10:53 am

      I’d take the beach front over a golf course any day!

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  • Kate June 30, 2016, 9:45 am

    Yeah, I was going to type, this doesn’t sound like a relationship with a future, but everyone already said it.

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  • Kate B. June 30, 2016, 9:46 am

    You said the distance is a deal-breaker. And so it is. MOA. And never agree to live anywhere that doesn’t have your name on the lease or the mortgage. Without that, you have no rights at all.

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  • Diablo June 30, 2016, 9:49 am

    Don’t make someone a priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs. His requirements, which cause your life to be more difficult, should not matter if he really cares about you. I must have an acre. I must be close to the golf course. If you are seriously entertaining this, give your head a shake. You’re good where you are. The upgrade you need is in a fella who actually cares about your needs. What future do you anticipate if he isn’t allowing you joint ownership of the decision or the home?

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    • Raccoon eyes June 30, 2016, 10:49 am

      Diablo, Im with you (and everyone above, too).
      That he cannot see the logic of a 3 hour commute being horrendous is enough reason to break this off. He is a nut, first of all, and secondly- very clearly incredibly selfish and lacking in general empathy and basic sense. Ick, Im shuddering just thinking about a 3 hour daily commute. Blah. MOA, like yesterday. Enjoy your beach-y condo (newly-single!) in the lovely weather!

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  • Bittergaymark June 30, 2016, 10:24 am

    I said as much in the thread, but honestly? If you can ‘t agree on this — you probably shouldn’t live together. And yeah, your boyfriend is being a real douche canoe about this… Which should trouble you. It seems that his idea of a compromise is just you changing your mind and doing ALL the suffering…

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  • Trixy Minx June 30, 2016, 10:52 am

    There are plenty of options. The one I’d choose is to break up with this jerk.

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  • Anonymousse June 30, 2016, 11:19 am

    A good partner doesn’t get angry when you have the slightest hesitation to sacrifice your happiness for their convenience. I’m pretty sure he wants to move you in closer because he couldn’t and won’t be bothered to commute to you. He’s selfish. Very, very selfish.
    I hope you take the advice everyone is giving you to heart and think about your life. You should prioritize your happiness above other people’s, especially when they don’t consider yours.
    A house at the beach (for real!?) and a job you love! – that’s so much more than what most people have in life. Don’t give those up for a selfish jerk who thinks nothing of you driving three hours everyday…honestly, that in itself sounds like a very particular hell. So you’ll work or go to school for what… 8 hours a day, drive three hours to do so and have a couple hours to spend with him? I hope he’s then going to fawn all over you and rub your feet and aching head…oh, he’s not? Shocking. Please don’t do this. Stay where you are happy. If he truly loved you, he’d compromise or honestly, move to you. You can no doubt do better in this situation. Do. Better.

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  • Moneypenny June 30, 2016, 11:35 am

    He’s basically asking you to take a step backwards- give up your place, that you own, to move into a place that you won’t own or have any say in, just to be with him? Screw that. I can’t believe he’d even entertain such an idea as what he’s asking.

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  • saneinca June 30, 2016, 11:44 am

    Actually, LW could be losing money by moving in with him. If she uses the money she gets from renting her condo towards mortgage on her condo, the BF is still expecting her to contribute to his mortgage when she is living with hm.

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    • for_cutie June 30, 2016, 12:02 pm

      Plus gas and extra maintenance/wear and tear on your car. You will definitely lose money on this deal and stand to gain nothing – or maybe a selfish spouse.

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  • xxoo123 June 30, 2016, 12:26 pm

    Don’t move in with him. Seriously. I did this, I moved in with a man who bought a house “for us” which I had no legal claim to. For 2 years I contributed to the house by paying half the mortgage and also used my own money to pay for repairs and updates that significantly increased the value of the house. My boyfriend ended up dumping me and kicking me out. I basically spent all that money and got nothing out of it. If you’re already disagreeing then just keep your awesome job and apartment. Men are a lot easier to find then a house and job you love.

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  • Carlosandros June 30, 2016, 12:42 pm

    Easy suggestion
    If the only reason he won’t consider properties closer to you that meet his requirements are because they are out of his price range-why not consider pitching in? It sounds like you both want the best of both worlds but neither of you are willing to compromise. Compromising is what long term relationships are all about. If you can’t see yourself living with this man for the long term or long enough to make a financial investment with…then why give this any more thought at all. You have a steady income and a place to live which you love. It’s up to both of you to decide how much you value this relationship and most importantly each other.
    Good luck!

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  • Jessica July 1, 2016, 1:24 am

    Finish your degree and then reevaluate whether or not you feel open to seeking out a new job at that time. When you have your grad degree, you might want some time to decompress and/or to seek out a higher paying job anyway, but don’t cross that bridge til you come to it. Just stay grounded and take each moment as it comes

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