“Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?”
So how do I tell someone who has it all and has never had to experience any debt that I have debt? I’m also wondering when is the appropriate time to tell him and if it is even his business? I just feel like I’m lying, because it occasionally gets brought up. For example, one day I had a note on my computer that said “Pay DSL loan today” and he said, “What’s that?” and I grabbed the note, threw it away and said “Nothing.”
He recently started bringing up the marriage talk, which I also avoid. Of course, I want to get married and have a wedding with flowers and a kick-ass white dress, but that costs money. And I don’t have it. So I’ll say, “let’s just get married at the courthouse,” but that doesn’t really work because he wants a nice wedding.
How do you tell someone you’re poor? And should you even? — Confused-Ramen-Eating-Hopeful
First of all, YES, of course you should tell your boyfriend of three years, who you are thinking about marrying and who is beginning the discussions of such a commitment, that you have significant debt. In fact, your money situation isn’t the only topic you should be talking about with your boyfriend if you’re serious about each other. Frankly, I’m kind of surprised you even have to ask whether your debt is something you should mention to your boyfriend, and I’m even more surprised that you seem to think the cost of your wedding is the only reason — or at least, the only reason you mention in your letter — to broach the topic of your financial limitations with him.
A wedding is one day in the rest of your lives together. In the great scheme of things, it’s kind of not that big of a deal. It’s a party. After you pay for that party, you still have the rest of your lives to pay for. Don’t you think your boyfriend might want to know what kind of financial contribution you’ll be making to your marriage and family life? That’s sort of important. And if you’ve been together for three years, I’m willing to bet he has more than a hunch what your finances look like — especially if you’ve been weirdly secretive about it (like quickly hiding any information that might give you away).
Look, your debt doesn’t define you. You are not the number in your bank account. I understand how scary it is to be the partner in a union who has a deficit — who is a financial liability, so to speak. It sucks. But I also know that there are so many other ways to contribute to a marriage or romantic partnership or family.
Still, just because you may be wonderful in lots of ways doesn’t mean you can avoid the topic of your debt. There isn’t an easy way to go about it, but you HAVE to have a serious discussion with your boyfriend about where you see your relationship going and what he needs to know about you before going further. Explain that you never meant to keep things from him but that you’ve been ashamed and scared to open up before now. Let him know you love him and it’s that love and faith in your relationship that’s prompting you to open up now. Tell him exactly how much debt you have and what your monthly minimum payments are. From there, you will decide together how you’ll manage that debt together should you decide to marry and merge your financial lives.
You and your boyfriend, should you guys get engaged, may have to sacrifice some of your ideas of what a “nice wedding” looks like. You may have to compromise on your ideas of a nice life, too. But when it comes down to it, it’s not the “stuff” that fulfills us and makes us happy — it’s the relationships we make and commit to. It’s the way we choose to fill our time. And it’s the contribution — financial and mostly otherwise — that we make to society in general and people we care about, specifically.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
3 years and you’ve never had the money talk? That’s not good. If you are serious about this guy, you have to be honest with him about your finances. I don’t think he will have a negative reaction to it as long as you are being responsible and paying your bills on time. I live completely paycheck-to-paycheck due to my staggering student loan debt and my boyfriend is aware of this…but he also knows that I pay every bill on time or early and use my tiny paychecks to take care of the things I am responsible for. So the fact that I am often left with $20 in my checking account the day before payday doesn’t look so bad we both know that all the bills are paid and I have enough food in the pantry.
From one broke person to another, do you use coupons when you grocery shop? I just started couponing about 4 months ago and it has really improved my financial situation. I typically save at least 25% per shopping trip on my grocery bill…sometimes up to 40%. A bonus to this is that my boyfriend compliments me all the time now about how responsible I am with my money since I put in the effort to not spend more than I have to on essentials. If you need any tips on couponing, just let me know!
When house or apartment shopping will come around, money will inevitably come up. Your contribution will limit the budget and that will be unavoidable. I would try to hit the money discussion before that happens, just so that you don’t come out as a buzz kill.
Depending on what his career is, your earning potential might not be a real problem. After all the american dream was a white picket fence with a stay at home mom with kids and it’s still very doable on one upper middle class salary. So a comfortable life where you don’t contribute significantly is very well possible. It’s something he may very well be happy with.
Feminism demands that you be an equal contributor but in reality a man will be more than happy if you work hard at what you love and bring in what that’s worth how ever little that happens to be. It’s the gold diggers that are frowned upon. So I wouldn’t be worried about the money if you put in a honest day in.
I wouldn’t say the feminism demands that women contribute equally…it just allows for that possiblity. It even allows for the possiblity that the woman can be the breadwinner and the man can be a stay at home dad! We’ve considered that since I am more educated than my boyfriend…
I think people have the wrong idea about feminism. Would you go back to having “Men’s help wanted” sections and “Women’s help wanted” sections in the paper? It used to be that our only career options were school teacher, nurse, secretary, or prostitute. That wasn’t fair.
I was raised in a traditional single income household with a stay at home mom, and I see nothing wrong with that. I just don’t think it should be my only option simply because I lack a penis.
It certainly seems to me that feminism pretty much expects that women can do as much as man does. And I could understand LW if she feels like she failed personally or womankind if she can’t reach that goal. After all feminism pretty much puts the bar out there for all to see.
But that expectation probably isn’t that obvious in LW’s bf. At least I would be surprised if he expects her to match his salary “or else”.
In the end if LW ends up being SuperMom or stay at home mom, both choices will have their compromises. They just have to be happy to live with them.
I’m not sure feminism says that.
However, I was thinking that on the flip side, if my husband doesn’t make more than me, is he less of a ‘man’ to some since he’s not the breadwinner? I mean I make twice what he does, but I’ve always considered us equal. There was a time when I made zero money. Like absolutely nothing, and he supported us. I hope he never feels inferior because he makes less than me. I know some guys can’t handle that their wives/gf make more than they do.
Just a random thought.
Yes you need to tell him. If you two do end up getting married he will find out about it then, and how upset do you think he’s going to be when he finds out you kept this from him? You don’t want your marrige to start off like that.
And one thing that I’d like to add to what Wendy said is that your debt isn’t the bad kind of debt. I don’t get the impression that you have 20,000 dollars of credit card debt beacuse you couldn’t control your shoe shopping habbit, or went on lavish vacations you couldn’t afford. Student loans, car payments (within reason), and medical bills are examples of good kinds of debt. I can’t imagine he would want to break up with you for having the kinds of debt that comes with living and trying to make your future better.
And I wouldn’t feel too guilty about “hiding” it from him. Frankly your personal finances for the most part wern’t any of his business. Now that you guys are starting to think about marriage is the appropriate time to bring up finances. I would suggest rolling it into a conversation about how you guys would treat finances as a whole in your possible marriage.
And I think not spending a lot of money on a wedding is a smart decision, but every bride should have her day to wear that beautiful dress and every groom should be able to see his wife-to-be in that dress. Just my 2 cents.
Holy crap, 3 years and your BF still doesn´t know you´re poor??? SSA!!
My husband´s family was pretty rich back in the day, then (due to terrible decisions) they ended up losing everything. When we started dating my husband was just getting his head above water (his mother and sister had taken out loans in his name, and forfeited, and he wasn´t making much money). My family was middle middle class, maybe even lower middle, and I was earning next to nothing (and getting paid months later than I should´ve been). Since the very beginning of our relationship we knew that about each other (with all the communicational deficits we had!) When we moved in together I was trying as hard as I could to pay 50% of everything, but with the asshole boss I had I could never count on how much money I would have each month, so my husband ended up taking over more and more of the expenses (while I did most of the chores, all the shopping, etc), now with 2 kids I´m a SAHM, so he´s the “breadwinner”, although I also help out with paperwork from his business, etc.
I´m sure your BF knows that you aren´t in the same boat he is, financially, he probably doesn´t gt why you donpt talk to him about it.
From your letter, it seems that you have the idea in your head that because he comes from a well-off family, he won’t understand debt. As someone who is lucky to have a mother who is able to pay for my college degree, and helps me out a whole lot on other fronts, I’m here to tell you that he will understand, and he’s not going to hold it against you. It might seem embarrassing, but I hold a high level of respect for people who are able to deal with that sort of stress, and have worked their way through life. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and if he’s a good person, he’s not going to make you think otherwise.
Just sit him down, explain how the debt came about (and your reasons for taking out your loans, which seem legitimate), and let him know how you are planning to deal with it in the future, and what that means for your future together. It really doesn’t have to be awkward.
Girl, your bf probably has debt too, and he’s certainly heard of other people having it. There are tons of college students whose parents help them out but still come out with debt. Wealthy parents don’t necessarily fix all of it. There are so many people who have debt for those reasons that he’s going to understand. Don’t sweat it!
YES. Yes, you should tell your boyfriend of 3 years that you have debt. As to when, well I happen to think it is long overdue. Just because he comes from a well-to-do family doesn’t mean he will think any less of you. Honestly, if he does think less of you because you put yourself through college and therefore have student loans and needed a car so you have a car payment, then you should run the other way really, really fast. Like someone else said, it doesn’t sound like you have huge credit card debts from irresponsible spending. It sounds like you have normal debts, just like I do.
My husband and I had the money talk when were were merging our finances. He lived on my couch for awhile before we dated, but when he “moved in” as my boyfriend at the time, we had a discussion about debt. He had a lot of debt from medical bills for himself and his 2 kids from when he and his ex-wife had no insurance. There were a few other things on top of that and it was a lot. On the same level, I have a Masters so I have a giant mountain of student loans (at the time I didn’t have my Masters yet, but still had a nice little mountain of student loans) plus I have a car payment to make and all of my other monthly bills. We were able to sit down and figure out what worked best for us as far as paying bills, what we could afford for extra niceties, and ultimately plan our wedding on a budget. I had a gorgeous wedding. It was awesome and it didn’t cost us an arm and a leg. Mind you, we had a little help paying for it (we ended up paying about half) but no one could have guessed how little was really spent on it based on what it looked like.
Please have this talk with your boyfriend. If you ultimately do decided to get engaged and then married, there are so many things that will make it so you can have a nice wedding for his sake without completely breaking the bank. I became a pro at that, so if you need tips feel free to let me know.
Oh, man. I can relate. I am someone who didn’t get a good personal finance education growing up, and my parent’s weren’t always so hot with the money either, so when I finally got out on my own after college, I went a little nuts. Never so bad I couldn’t make the payments or avoid other parts of my life, but I made a lot of mistakes that I’m still paying for, and will be paying for for quite some time (student loans, and a hefty credit card debt). I was hoenst and upfront with my husband about it, though, while we were dating. He was well aware of my debt, and I was well aware of his. I have found, though, that as a team, we’ve been able to tackle the situation so much better than as individuals. He helps me not only pay stuff down (which is beneficial to both of us), but takes away the stress I feel when it starts to overwhelm me. He helps me look at the big picture and never EVER blames me for the fact that is has a real impact on other parts of our lives. He married me inspite of it. Your boyfriend loves YOU. If he’s a good man, he’ll find a way to get past the imposition you guys would be in financially because he loves YOU. If he’s a good man, instead of making you feel like crap about it, he’ll find ways to help you take care of the situation and reassure you that you guys are going to be okay. It does not define you. I know that there will be bad days where it can get to you and make you feel like a let down, but, I reiterate, if he’s a good man, he’ll do what he can to make you feel better because he loves YOU. Look, the debt happened. You can’t go back in time and change things. All you can do it find a way to move forward.
CREH, Your boyfriend probably already has a good idea about your financial situation. It’s pretty hard to not pick up on things like this when you spend three years with someone. Your boyfriend probably doesn’t know your ‘number,’ but I bet he has a good idea that you aren’t living the high-life. Beyond this, I bet he can also tell that you are responsible with your money. If you work hard, pay your bills, and don’t buy lots of frivolous crap, you are already doing everything right and have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you should be proud.
It’s not clear from your letter, but I imagine your boyfriend is similarly uncomfortable talking about finances. Even on the other side of this coin, it’s not an easy topic to bring up. However, if you have been in a relationship for three years are considering becoming more serious, you absolutely have to have this conversation. Money can be an extreme source of tension in any relationship. They key is not that you and he have to be making the same amount or contributing the same amount; rather, you both simply have to be on the same page about how those finances will work.
Next time one of these situations comes up where you are talking about the future or paying for big things, etc, etc, you should start this conversation. Just say: “Hey, I’ve been scared to bring this up, but if we are going to think about marriage, we probably should talk about finances…” Lay it all out for him; show him that you may not be rich, but you are responsible and know how to manage what you have.
Yeah, I agree with everyone so far– after 3 years together, you should’ve been having an ongoing conversation about finances & it’s sort of amazing to me that you’ve managed to hide it for so long! There’s nooo reason you need to crumple up your reminder notes to pay a loan bill– I mean, the fact that you do this means you’re being responsible! That’s something to be proud of, not something to secret away from your serious boyfriend. And like someone else said, it’s not as if you’re in credit card debt for a shoe addiction. The debt you describe is because of life– college, health care, car bills. No one is going to fault you for that. And if your bf comes from a well-off family that helped him out with college and car payments, then I’m betting he’s actually going to admire how you’ve had your work for your own stuff.
I’m not sure how this discussion has never come up. I think the fact that when he asked you specifically about it and you lied to his face is pretty ridiculous.
How could you lie to him like that? I’m not trying to be a jerk but really? Instead of using it as a way to COMMUNICATE with him you shut him out. I’d be more upset over the fact that you lied to me about it than the actual debt. To me, the debt doesn’t seem that bad.
That being said, I think I can say with confidence, that most people leave college with debt. The amount depends of course, but typically we all have it. Whether it’s credit cards or student loans, it’s there. so I don’t think he would be surprised about that. The car, well again, most people own cars, and most people are still paying for them. So again, probably won’t surprise him.
What will surprise him is that you felt the need to keep it from him. Just because his family is well off doesn’t mean they aren’t swimming in debt as well. He might not be, but that doesn’t mean he is completely ignorant.
When I mentioned to my husband I had student loan debt, he didn’t even flinch. He already had figured it existed without me saying anything, but I never kept it a secret. An when we formally discussed it, it wasn’t a big deal.
Please, give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him about your financial situation. Talk this over with him.
You say that you like the person that working hard has made you, but I wonder. Your debt doesn’t define you but how you’ve chosen to deal with it, by working your ass off and taking loans, definitely does. It’s pretty significant that when you list all your current loans and bills you don’t mention credit card debt. That’s pretty awesome! You’ve chosen to invest in things that will bring you a real return on your investment (education and transportation) and have bills for unexpected things (medical bills). And through all this, you haven’t been discouraged from a career doing something that you really love, writing, even though it makes your financial situation a lot harder.
All these things say a lot about who you are as a person, and by keeping it from your boyfriend you’ve stolen his ability to really know you. Shouldn’t he have that chance? He might not understand your financial situation at first, but you’ve never even asked him to try. He’s probably assumed that you’ve had an upbringing and financial life like he has, and why wouldn’t he? You’ve never told him any different!
Yes, you should definitely tell him, not because it’s some deep, dark secret you’re obligated to reveal but because these are important aspects of your life, a life that you’ve already been sharing with him for three years! Before you do, though, I would spend some time thinking about why it was preferable for you to lead a double-life rather than tell him where you came from. My guess is you have a lot of embarrassment and even shame over your background. It’s fine. You wouldn’t be the first! But at this point, you owe your boyfriend an explanation, not of your finances, but why you didn’t trust him enough to really get to know you.
LW, do you honestly think the parents of 90% of America’s youngest and brightest (debatable) all made enough money to put them through school and buy them cars? There are A LOT of people in your exact situation….me for example…and probably at least 50% of the people that comment on this site.
There is such a thing as “good debt” in the sense of you went into debt for the right reasons. A car and school loans fall into that category…assuming you aren’t living in NYC or comparable areas where public transportation makes more sense.
You definitely need to bring this up to him. Your debt will be tied to him if you tie the knot – he has a right to know. Do not worry about it so much and follow Wendy’s advice…I will be surprised if this blows up in your face…minus the hiding it for so long…but you can “weasle” out of that by saying you didn’t want to bring it up until you guys were talking life-time commitment.
Yes, definitely time to sit down and talk to him about this. If you’re even considering marriage you should be talking about this. My husband and I both have school loans, medical bills, car payments, etc and we make it work. You just have to communicate. Have you ever seen the how i met your mother episode when Marshall finds out that Lily has a ton of debt and it affects whether or not they can get a house? I mean I realize that it’s 1. tv and 2. an extreme example but i think it shows that not talking about your debt will come back to bite you in the butt if you try and hide it. And it will be far worse than if you had just sat down and talked to him before the fact.
Gut reaction-You’re making way too big a deal of this. He probably has a bit of a clue already, if he’s been with you this long, knows you earned everything you have and I wouldn’t be all that surprised if he admired you for it and maybe even looked down on himself a little that he has an independent girlfriend while he spent much of his life living off his parents’ money (not that there’s anything wrong with that, up to a certain age).
I bet this is one of those times that after you spill the beans, not only will you feel relieved, but he will not think its such a big deal and you’ll be fine.
I don’t understand the shame? If you’ve worked for everything you have and you like what that’s made you, you certainly don’t have anything to apologize for. You might even take a moment’s pause over a guy who is just now dipping his toe in the financial whirlpool (wow, he just started paying his own rent – how incredible is he?!). If he hasn’t had a chance to make any mistakes yet, how do you know that he’d be a good financial risk as a husband? You have a lot to talk about, as equals, because in a sense you are both bringing liabilities to the financial table.
However, before you have any such talks, be honest with yourself. Have you been maintaining an unrealistic facade around money so you could “keep up” with him? Have you been mismanaging what money you do have? Why do you have such a hefty car loan? Can you sell that flash car and get something more reasonably priced? We all want to feel like we’re living the good life, but I tell you that living within your means and not having things hanging over your head all the time feels pretty darned good too.
Take a good look at your finances to see if there is room for improvement by consulting a non-profit credit counselor or try hummingbird.org where they have a budget analysis tool so you can see where your money really goes and lots of good free info in the “Learning Center”. Once you know where you stand and what/if changes need to be made (and make them), you’ll be in a better position to start the kind of objective conversations on finances and all those topics that Wendy wrote about in her column. Good luck!
Only read the title but my response is YES!
To be honest I skipped everyone else’s comments to add my own…
LW are you crazy?? 3 years and you’ve never talked about money? Debt? Salaries? How is that even possible? You’ve hid the fact that you have student loans and car payments for years?? I just don’t get it. I understand feeling nervous or even shamefull about your debt- but at this point in your relationship this should have been long addressed. IMO this could actually cause a rift in your relationship if he feels like you’ve been hiding it or mis-representing yourself to him.
Yes. Tell him. He’s probably figured it out anyway… Surely he knows that you paid for your school. And that as a writer you have yet to crack the best seller list, so you aren’t rolling in dough just yet.
I’m right there with you kerrycontrary. My bf knows I have debt from law school, but he also knows that I take pride in having the kind of job where I can handle paying that balance down little by little. He reallly doesn’t care because he knows that I’m responsible about it.
However, I have an interesting issue. Right now I make more than him (he didn’t go to law school so our jobs are very different), but because of the amount of my loan payments, whenever we move in together, it would be tough for me to pay a higher percentage of the rent simply because my salary is higher. My salary may be higher, but my monthly expenses look quite different from his. Any ideas on how to address that topic? Also, fast forward a few years when we’re married and starting a family, I will still owe loan payments but I most likely will not be working for about a year, so how do people handle that? I don’t like the idea of having someone else pay for debt that I personally took on, but I don’t really know how to plan for that point either.
My two cents: as someone who comes from a family with a fair amount of money, there’s a certain amount of guilt that I have for not having been self-sufficient and independent until really recently. Your boyfriend – unless he’s got some sort of entitlement thing going on – probably feels the same way. I have a lot of debt from grad school now, but my grandparents paid for my undergrad degree, and my parents helped me out a huge amount in grad school and while I was struggling to find work for the two years after. There’s a good chance your boyfriend might see his own good fortune as a liability and proof that he’s not a “real” adult yet – I did. My boyfriend has been financially independent way longer than I have, and I’ve had to ask him how certain things are done in order to stay afloat. It may prove a great way to grow as a couple – he had a massive college scholarship whereas I was able to go to a better university with no scholarship. When he went back to school last year to get a medical tech certification, he had to pay for it all for the first time, and I actually did know far more about the way that worked as I handled the funds my grandparents had set aside for me myself. So remember, you’re not saddling him with the relationship equivalent of cancer. You’re trading a flawless, shiny credit score in for some real experience and financial savvy, and both are valuable in their own way.
LW, I am in the position of coming from a wealthy family – no debt coming out of grad school or undergrad, condo down payment paid for, etc. That said, I had my car payments, and a huge mortgage in my name… as other commenters have posted, your boyfriend has an understanding of debt, and unless he lives under a rock understands that most people have not had the opportunities that he has had.
My boyfriend “came out” to me about his debt about a year after we started dating — he had close to $200K in law school loans (good, esp. considering that he went to a top law school and works for a top firm = ability to pay off those loans), and another $40K in credit card debt (bad, bad bad, especially his rationalization that he knew that after school he’d be “making enough money to pay them off”).
I’ll be honest – I didn’t love hearing about his financial situation — the law school stuff was totally fine, but I was a bit uncomfortable about the credit card debt, and what it said about his financial responsibility… but we talked about it, and it was good for me to realize his situation. He hadn’t been adding to his debt for the year he’d been out of law school and that we’d been together, but the credit card interest wasn’t going away… I let him know that I didn’t need nice dinners out every weekend, or expensive tickets to shows. I insisted on paying for more things (we split a lot of things, but since he made 75% more than me, I let him pay for the more things that he wanted to pay for)… and after a few months, we realized that him paying $2000 / month on rent was a waste, he was pretty much living at my place anyway, he should move into my condo, and help out with expenses but not pay rent (since I’d be spending the same amount on the mortgage anyway) – putting that extra cash towards paying down his loans. The best hting that came out of it was a discussion on our financial values, the recognition that neither of us are savers, and it’s something that we’re going to need to focus on and encourage each other on, and an understanding of how we want to spend our money together.
In the end, the credit card debt was paid off in 6 months, a large dent has been made in his law school loans, and we’re planning on getting married sooner rather than later…
You are who you are, and working hard to get to where you are is admirable. If he loves you, he’ll recognize that this made you who you are, and also do what he can in terms of supporting you as you reduce your debt burden… But the longer you wait to share this, the more he’ll feel like you were hiding such an important thing from him, which may (or may not) impact his ability to trust you. Sit down, have the discussion from the standpoint of, “since we’re talking about marriage, you should know these things”, and make sure that he’s the man you deserve based on his response.
YES. Do yourself a favor and go have a conversation with him now. If you don’t, things WILL get worse. Finances are an integral part of your relationship whether you like it or not. And if you’ve been with him for 3 years, he’s likely to stick by you through this debt. And you know what? You’re not alone. In this crappy economy, LOTS of people are living paycheck to paycheck and LOTS of people have loans. I think you’ll find that there is a weight lifted off your shoulders when you don’t feel as though you have to hide your debt from him anymore.
I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. Having debt does not equal being bad with money! Sometimes debt is necessary to build a future.
Just for a fun little anecdote, I have about 200k in student loan debt. I also had about 6k in credit card debt. When I met my husband, I was a grad student. Broke as a joke. He made really good money and would fly me to see him for the weekend every 2 weeks. I felt SO BAD that I was so much worse off than him financially. Making no money, coming in with debt… blah blah blah.
Flash forward to now… 14 months later. Seriously, 14 months. Husband quit his job to go back to school (in a more family-friendly and higher-earning field, but yeah… he makes no money). I finished school and got a job, and now I am the sole breadwinner. Making good money, even after my huge loan payments. I paid off my credit card debt, but we found some of my husband’s that he forgot about. I started learning about finances and now I do all our financial planning. My husband is more of a spender than me these days, and I’m constantly reigning him in. He’s getting better but it’s been a slow transition. Want to know why? He’s ALWAYS HAD MONEY and he’s NEVER HAD TO BUDGET. Just like your boyfriend.
My point is, just because you have less money than him, or more debt than him, does not mean that you can’t contribute to the family financially. You know how to live within your means, and how to deny yourself the “wants” to meet the “needs.” And who knows when the tides may turn and your assets and skills may be what your family needs. I never anticipated that I would be the one to hold my family together financially when I entered this marriage.
Yes yes! Have the conversation with him! Before you get engaged! I made the mistake of not discussing debt w/my now husband until we were engaged and Holy cow was I in for a surprise when I found out how much debt he was in! We agreed to tackle it head on together, but I do wish we’d discussed our debt much sooner. You’ve probably been feeling a lot of anxiety about this for quite some time and you’ll feel soooo much better once you get it off your chest. I think you’ll be surprised at how supportive your boyfriend will be about it.
Lw, i will tell you that 1. YES tell him, like yesterday! and 2. if he truely loves you, this wont be a deal breaker.
I dont have any debt, except for my car, which i bought specifically for the purpose of having debt and building up my credit. my boyfriend, on the other hand, has student loans and a car that he had no choice but to take out a loan for. i also make a lot more then my boyfriend. so i pay our rent, i pay our car insurance, our groceries, our cell phone bills, my car, and any going out we do. he pays for his loans and our gas/electricity and internet. from the outside, it might look like i pay for everything, but from the inside, it is absolutely not so lopsided. i love him, and were a team, and the money is ours. not mine and his, but ours. we actually pay about the same towards our bills each month. and i dont care at all that i technically pay more then he does, because i love him. also, he actually pays all of our bills. like the act of opening the mail and writing the check and all that- i honestly have never had to do that before. ever. and so he handles that part of our life because he is good about bills and money, while i am not. we balance each other out. i make the money for more of our physical, immediate life then he does, but he takes the time and energy to make sure everything is paid on time and that there is enough money in our 3 bank accounts for everything, and he also makes a spreadsheet and tracks all of our expenses every freaking month! also, he cooks for me. see, LW? i wasnt even trying and i found all these reasons that i dont care about why i “technially” pay more to enrich our lives then he does, because he does other things that enrich our lives in different ways.
just please, please tell him!!!
I am surprised how committed the LW has been the last 3 years in hiding her financial situation (past and present). I for one feel like growing up poor has been extremely defining in terms of my identity. I just can’t conceive how she’s kept this part of herself from him without feeling like she’s pretending to be someone else (not that she is, but that is how I would feel). It’s not something that defines me all the time, but it’s definitely something that I feel defined by when interacting with those who’ve never experienced lower-class lifestyle.
I think the LW should be proud (not insecure) to tell her boyfriend, “hey, nothing ever came free in my life and that meant I had to start working as soon as it was legal and I paid for every dollar of my college education myself. I am proud to be so self-sufficient but this does mean that I am in the very normal situation of having student loan debt, etc.” Might as well own it 🙂
Absolutely tell him. That is one of the showstopper problems that causes lots of relationships to end. My ex hid over $30K of credit card debt she had run up. When I uncovered all the debt and the fact she had hidden it from me–and bascially took little or no action to address it–I moved out the next day.
If you and your boyfriend can’t sit down and talk about finances you aren’t ready to get married. There are tougher discussions in your future compared to this.
If he truly loves you, he will understand that before you met him you, like the rest of us, were stuck living under the criminal Bush Administration, who destroyed the economy with Bush’s tax cuts for the rich, his two illegal wars, and the raiding of the treasury in order to make Big Oil, Halliburton, and Wal-Mart rich, at the expense of women, children, minorities, and gays. I am sure he would understand and work it out with you. After all, if he didn’t and if he were a Republican, I can’t imagine you’d want to marry such a low life pond scum Republican anyway.
1. you are lying to him. 2 You are not superior because you’ve worked. 3 you can’t say you’ve gotten where you are by your effort if you haven’t paid for it yet. 4 Get a job ( “a writer” isn’t isn’t one if no one is paying for your next project) and a good job to pay off these loans yourself. Then you will have self respect……… sorry to be rough on you but it is good to hear the truth.
COUNSELING COUNSELING COUNSELING. Do NOT get married without going to a qualified marriage counselor, even if it’s expensive. I didn’t, and I spent ten years not talking to my wife about money nearly enough (and we knew several times more about each other’s finances than you and your boyfriend, Letter Writer) along with several other issues. If you haven’t sat down and talked through sex, money, kids, religion, home, work and probably a lot of things I’m forgetting, your BEST case scenario is to get as lucky as I did and manage to pull the marriage out of the fire years later, after a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering. And the kicker is that it’ll probably require marriage counseling or at least a willingness to sit down together and talk honestly, even bluntly, about all the things you were avoiding in the first place anyway.
Don’t do it later, when it’s a lot harder, a lot more fraught and a lot less likely to work. Do it NOW.
Please.
Here is my take on it.
His family may be well off. But later on he may have run or own a firm and there could be some bad years where he has to sacrifice before things get better. Good times do not continue. You have to ask YOURSELF if he was suddenly bankrupt, would you start all over with him, because he could be wearing your shoes. A lot of women who marry well off men suddenly resent it when a business deal goes south and liquidation occurs and there is a lean year. I’ve seen it happen.
Next, his family is well off because his parents know how to manage money. And so do you. Maybe he does and maybe he does not. But to make it, both of you have to manage money well. Couples have to pass through this filter to be successful. You will bring this skill to the relationship. So you may see this a weakness, yet is it a major strength.
Next, don’t focus on just your insecurities. Look at him as a man and as a partner. Things never get better in a relationship when you are young. You may be focused on how he sees you, but you must take a hard look at him as well. Little things now often become deal breakers later.
A marriage is more about constant negotiation than anything else. Money, kids, work, sex are the big ones to constantly adjust.
This means you should leave him alone a while to get over his pain.
By doing this, your ex starts to think the worst: that you no longer need him.
So the question arise if you don’t make any attempts to apologize
your mistakes then what should you do right now.
By the time I finished grad school (med school) I had about 40k in student loans that I thought I would never be able to pay off. That 40k seems like peanuts compared to the 200k it now costs, 20 years later to do my same grad school program. It is all relative.. I see lots of couples in my profession who meet in school and marry each other and they have 400k in student loans between them! Anyway I feel so foolish for letting my measly 40k in student loans (which are all paid off btw) make me feel like I was a liability back then and so for a long time I didn’t think I would be a good partner. So tell him! Yours is honorable debt since you had to pay for everything yourself. Who knows? Maybe if you marry and he earns more he may even help you pay them off or support you financially in other ways.It has been known to happen.
I feel like you are so insecure in your own finances that you haven’t taken a good look at his. You say he’s from a wealthy family and assume he has a lot of money, but no, his PARENTS have money. He only recently started paying his own rent? In my mind that makes him a financial baby. You might actually be the one that needs to take the financial reins in your relationship. You have experience, power, and the gumption to make a life for yourself. Don’t forget that.