My husband, James, and I separated in 2017 for about seven months and he even filed for divorce, but we decided to reconcile and have been together ever since (about 14 months). We are not living together but we are a couple, and both of our immediate families know that we are together and working through our problems. (I am very close with my entire family and he has continued to be a part of our family life — he doesn’t really speak to his family except for his mom and dad.) Although my family has been extremely supportive, his mom has made it clear to me that she doesn’t want us together. (I hurt her son deeply and he told her everything which I understand, but I’ve also been working all year to reconcile with her as well.)

Long story short, he still lives back at his parents’ house and his mom is very controlling. She opens his mail, makes decisions for him without telling him, etc., so I was not terribly surprised last Thursday when he sent a text that his cousin’s wedding was that coming weekend and I clearly wasn’t invited. I was at the house a few nights earlier and nothing was said about it. His mom simply told him Thursday night that they were leaving the next day after work for his cousin’s wedding (about a three-hour to four-hour drive away). I don’t know who I am mad at more: her for not telling her sister and niece to invite me or James for not standing up to his mom for me.

I expressed how upset I was about this to him multiple times and in multiple ways. The way I see it, if I am not welcome there, how could he disregard my feelings and go anyway just to make his mom happy? I would never go somewhere he is not welcome and, furthermore, would never allow my family to exclude him from anything!

My biological father took his own life within a few months of the divorce. His company was going bankrupt, he had lost most of his assets and hard-earned money in two draining divorces, and, most importantly, he had lost his family and kids from his previous marriage. It was a tight-knit community and I grew up hearing all this nasty stuff about how my slutty mom destroyed a good man and a good family. It used to get to me and it kinda shaped how I still feel about myself and my mom. My mother, on the other hand, never gave a shit about what people thought of her. She was an attractive woman who never had a hard time attracting attention from men. Even with a kid and a not-so-good reputation, she found one rich lover after another. They were mostly married men when they met her. My mother remarried three more times. Her longest marriage lasted about five years.

Anyway, in her forties, my mom fell in love with a woman. Her new lover (Nicole), who moved in with us after only a few months, was also in her forties and gave up her cat for me (I’m allergic to cats). Nicole also had joint custody of her daughter (Kate) who is five years younger than I am. So, Kate also lived with us every other week. I was almost 16 back then, and I was disgusted by my mom’s new relationship. I think I made them live through hell with my rude behaviors and tantrums. But Nicole turned out to be the best thing that happened to us. She brought some discipline and positive change into our house. And she loved my mother deeply and turned her into a decent person. Together they started a successful catering business, and we became financially stable. It took me two years to realize that Nicole was in it for the long haul. Believe me, I seized every opportunity to test her patience and will, but she always showed me love and respect, even when I didn’t deserve any. She was my north star in high school. She empowered me to take the SATs and studied with me, read my college applications, and pushed me to applyto college. She also helped me get my driving license. My mother died in 2016 at age 50, and I believe the last nine years of her life were the happiest because of Nicole.

Now let’s get to the real problem. A couple of months ago, I tried to contact my half-sister from my biological father’s family. To my surprise, she was delighted to meet me. She knew my mother had died and it was my understanding that the family didn’t want anything to do with my mother and hence with me. But once she was out of the picture, they were willing to welcome me into the family because, like my sister put it, “after all, I’m still their blood.” I was invited to a couple of gatherings, and I felt really good about becoming a part of the family. I learned recently that they don’t approve of the presence of Nicole in my life. I still maintain a very close relationship with both Nicole and her daughter Kate who is in college now. I consider them to be my family, even though Nicole and my mom never married, and I know I will always have a place in Nicole’s home. I tried to explain all that to my biological sister, but for them Nicole is a lesbian that can’t be family.

Last week, my biological sister stopped by at my new apartment and was surprised to find Nicole helping me finish settling in. She told me later that no one from her family will be setting foot in my house, nor will I ever be invited to any family functions until I decide what I want. She told me they have nothing specifically against Nicole and they don’t even know her, but they don’t approve of homosexuality and they want me to start my life over with no traces from my or my mother’s past.