Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
I’ve been with my husband for three years and married to him for a year and a half. It’s been an adventure, let me tell you, and I’m ready to cut off my in-laws. I’m done dealing with them. I’m done fighting with them. I’m done trying to be accepted. I’m just done. Let me explain why.

Reason #1. My husband and I had a small courthouse wedding and invited just his parents, but his mother didn’t come. She said she wasn’t invited, even though we verbally invited her while sitting on her couch, and she said she wasn’t invited because my parents hate her. They don’t hate her – they’ve only met her once! From that point on it’s been hell. Let me tell you: HELL.

Reason #2. My husband’s mother got me high. Oh yes, first time getting high. My husband and I were fostering a 2-year-old child at the time that we all got really attached to. My MIL lives about an hour away from us and there’s a baseball stadium in her town, so I decided to invite my parents and my in-laws for a night out together with the baby. Prior to going to the game we stopped by her house to get the baby changed into some warm clothes. Well, my MIL made these delicious brownies, and I ate close to half the pan because she kept encouraging me to. She served me slice after slice. It hit me hard. So my first time getting high was at a baseball game with hundreds of people, sitting next to my parents, while caring for a 2-year-old! I was stoned for two days. My mom had to watch the baby, and my husband was a trooper taking care of me. I didn’t say anything to my MIL though. It wasn’t worth it. She knew what she did.

Reason #3. UNNECESSARY DRAMA. She will find the smallest things to start drama with me. It could do with my tone of voice, or why didn’t I stay at her place for long, or even just a stupid Facebook meme that has no meaning behind it. I don’t respond to her drama anymore. I used to, I’m guilty of fighting back, but not anymore! I’m tired. I’m done. I’ve been unhappy for the past three years trying to please my in-laws and befriend them, but they simply don’t like me. I want to be happy again, so I’m going to cut them off.

I’ve decided that I won’t answer my MIL’s calls or her texts, nor visit her or the rest of my in-laws. I’ll send hugs and kisses to them with my husband when he goes and visits. When we do have kids – the foster child we had is no longer in our care – I’ll let my husband take them to go see her because, after all, that is their grandma. My mom never kept me away from my dad’s family, and I won’t do that to my kids. Nor will I keep my husband away from his family because at the end of the day that will always be his family. He is ok with me cutting them off, and he understands where I’m coming from, which I’m extremely grateful for. These are just the consequences of marrying into that family. I knew they were snakes from when I was first introduced to them, and I was naive to believe they wouldn’t bite.

Is is wrong of me to cut them off? Or do I just keep putting up with the BS?? — Tired of the BS

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I know you have been in a successful long-distance relationship, and I’m really hoping you can help me.I have been in a long-distance relationship with a man for nine months. We live three hours apart and see each other three weekends out of the month. It has been an ideal situation, and I would like to say we are pretty happy.

We’re both 25 and have had some pretty crappy relationships, so we agreed to take things slowly. We have similar backgrounds in religion, family, and what we want out of life. Day-to-day has been great, but whenever we start to talk about the future, panic mode sets in. We talked for two months before making it official, and I was the one to say “I love you” first (which I probably shouldn’t have done, but it’s the 2000s and those old rules don’t still apply…right?).

Anyway, it always seems like I’m one step ahead of him. He was honest and said he wasn’t ready to say “I love you” back yet, and a month later he said it. We have talked about the future, kids, and what we want out of life, but I feel like we’re at a standstill. However, I was presented an opportunity for a job out by him that pays more, and the town is cheaper to live in than where I currently am. It is still an hour away from him. When I first told him about the opportunity, he said he was excited and didn’t forsee us breaking up any time soon.

However, as the interview moved closer and closer, he started to freak out. He keeps saying he “wants to be sure” (whatever that means) because he is afraid that if I move out there and we break up, I will be stuck with no one. I have tried to convince him that I would go for the job and he’s just an added bonus, but we both know deep down I wouldn’t want to be out there without him. I don’t want to pressure him, and I am heartbroken that he is so scared and unsure. I’m not looking to get engaged right away, but I want a commitment and he can’t give me one and is really bothered that he can’t.

It seems like there’s nothing I can say to comfort him or reassure him. I told him it’s normal to feel this way after not even being together a year, but he says that it’s almost been a year and he should not be feeling this way. He also says that the ultimate goal of a relationship is marriage, and if he’s unsure about that, what’s the point?

I don’t want to keep dragging this out if this isn’t going to go anywhere, but I also don’t want to throw away something because we’re rushing it. Conversely, I also don’t want to not take the job since it is $10,000 more than I’m making now, and I currently hate my job.

He has asked for some time to think. We’re still talking, but he said he needs time to “be sure” and “make sure everything is fine.” I had my interview yesterday and I’m 99% sure I’ll be offered the job. I don’t know what to do. Help? — For Love and Money

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What are you all up to this weekend? In a very unexpected twist, 11-year-old Jackson has developed a serious interest in sports over the past few months, and on Saturday we are going to another sports ball game (my fourth, and his fifth, in under two months). This one is a Yankee game, and we got tickets through his school’s PTO. I’m not a sports fan, but I’m always happy when my kids find things that excite them, and this seems to be fitting the bill for now. Maybe one day I’ll have a kid who thrills at the idea of visiting an art museum or watching foreign films in an arthouse movie theater. (But I won’t hold my breath for too long on that!) Sunday, of course, is Mother’s Day, which seems to have turned into an emotionally-fraught day on which everyone has to apologize to everyone else for all the pain that exists as a result of motherhood. And here people who are parenting young kids just want a day when someone else does the cooking. Whatever your status and whatever level of pain the day may bring up for you, I hope you find moments of joy. (And if you are a mom of young kids, I hope you get to sleep in a bit and enjoy a meal or two cooked by someone else.)

Happy weekend, and here are some links you might enjoy, including a wedding trend couples love and guests hate, and dumb things people have said to their partners that have caused them to reevaluate their whole relationships.
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I’ve had this massage therapist for three years now, and I have developed feelings for him that I suspect are mutual. He does house calls for just me. All of his other clients have to come into his office for their appointments. About six months after he started massaging me, I asked him to a home-cooked dinner at my home. He refused, but he said that “I can’t have dinner with you now, but I am looking forward to the day that I can have dinner with you.” He was very enthusiastic and happy when he was saying this, and he had a huge smile on his face.

So fast forward to over two years later. He has been there for me as my massage therapist through cancer, the loss of close family members, formerly chronic pain which our work together has significantly reduced, and a few other enormous and life-altering events. Needless to say, I was not ready to ask him out again throughout much of this time. He has a very intuitive sense of where I am at and what I need. He “gets” me. I asked him out for the second time just two weeks ago.

This was after he literally said that I have a “fine ass” while I was naked on the massage table last week, and he brought up sexual conversation between us, which I was fine with participating in. We do sometimes flirt, he has called me “beautiful” many times, and he has complimented my hair, my dress, my style, my sense of decor, etc., but this was very strongly sexual; he has never said something like this to me before.

He refused my invitation by saying that he isn’t hanging out in general these days. He is living in isolation two hours away and only comes into town for 1-2 days to work before going back home. I responded: “Okay. This is the first time in almost three years that I have asked you directly for a date. I’ll probably wait another three years to ask you again! I will see you on Sunday then [for our appt.]. Thank you then for making me feel beautiful and whole and even sexy.” And he responded, “And you are! See you Sunday.”

I can’t figure out if we have anything or not. He is a terrific therapist and I don’t really want to lose him in the therapist capacity. We are not sexually compatible as he has kinks that he has shared with me that I am not interested in.

I have never been happier in my life than when I am with him. Oh, and I forgot to mention: He has been single for this entire time, he has been clear with me that he has not wanted a relationship with anyone. He also admitted to me that he and I have sexual chemistry. — Conflicted yet Well-Rubbed

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