The first five months of our relationship were heaven, with no problems at all. I will say, however, that one red flag did come up in our second month when she asked, “Are you on your period?” But then she said was “joking.” Then, after around five months of dating, Karen’s ex started to reach back into her life (sending texts and even sending flowers) because he was jealous. She told me every single time when her ex would reach out or do anything. Nothing was hidden. I told her it was best for us to ignore him unless his behavior became harassment or stalking. This went on for at least four months and started to cause tension. Around this time, Karen moved back in with her grandparents to help them out financially. Since I visited often, I’d see the toxic behavior that Karen had witnessed all of her life.

So, long story short, I feel like Karen is toxic, narcissistic, definitely aggressive, and controlling. An example: I mentioned to her that I think I want a new car, and her response was, “You should try to have a plan about marriage, a home, and children first.” She has asked why it took me three years to propose to her. She has also emasculated me and called me names at times, and had given me an ultimatum that if we weren’t married at two years, we were done. She has broken up with me at least twelve times. I’m beginning to feel like our marriage would be miserable. On one hand, I have the most amazing, wonderful, caring, loving, fiancée (she cooks, cleans, and is affectionate, caring, and loyal) but on the other hand, she can be vengeful, intimidating, and a hateful demon.

I did something I had never done before: I went through her phone. I found she had been having a torrid affair with the head shaver. Over time I learned, using computer forensic skills, that the affair had lasted for 3+ years and had included trips to Vegas and elsewhere. Two of her girlfriends often provided cover. There were receipts for hotel visits 1-2x a month, lewd venmo messages, pictures, texts, secret credit cards, etc. It wasn’t just that she was good and had help; I had trusted her.

While she was forced to admit the affair, it took repeatedly presenting evidence for her to stop lying about much of what I described above. She did volunteer that all the sex was without protection. It also became clear that she had been trying to get me to agree to buy a house near this man prior to my discovery — and has tried repeatedly since. I feel so betrayed.

To say I was floored is an understatement — it came out of left field. I thought we were doing well. We spent time together, are raising two teenagers together, share in household tasks (I do 99% now), and, I thought, loved each other very much. She says that she has been unhappy—AND that she is newly polyamorous.

Ok, now for the twists. I haven’t left. As I mentioned, she has terminal cancer. It may be in months or years, but she is dying. I vowed to care for her in sickness and health, and I honor that vow. I want my kids to understand such commitment, but I also made clear to them that this affair is not okay and that I would otherwise leave. I have been on the couch since September, caring for her without complaint. She tells everyone I am doing a great job of it. But, she is angry that I won’t sleep in the bed.

Twist number two: She refuses to stop the affair, even now. When she isn’t debilitated by chemotherapy, she sees him. I did move out for a time, coming back each day to care for her and the kids, but she attempted suicide soon after, and I came back to protect the kids and to help her. I can’t stand the idea of taking them from her or leaving them alone with her in such precariousness.