When we first got together, we talked about what my role would be in Ben’s life. It was a quick talk and we decided we would just deal with it later, and now, almost two years later, we are finally there. Kylie just asked me if I could be Ben’s dad and love him as much as she does, and while I do love him, the title of dad scares me right now and I don’t know if I want to commit to a life-long role so early in my own life. I am happy and fine to be a father-figure and role model, but I also believe that in a sense her son should decide what I am to him as my own step-dad let me do. I also find it hard for me to think of myself as a dad due to not being financially stable and not being able to do more for Ben than I currently do. I don’t want to assume a dad role and not be able to provide what, in my head, are good dad qualities. My girlfriend expected me to already be at the dad phase as it’s been almost two years that we’ve been together; it’s just I’m having a hard time adjusting and accepting that life-changing role.

I have been with my long-distance boyfriend, “Craig,” almost a year and a half. We both graduate with undergrad degrees in December (we are a little older than the typical college grad crowd) and talk about moving then and eventually marrying. I love him and he makes me very happy; he is truly the only person I feel I can be completely myself around, but we differ on one big issue: He wants biological children while I have zero interest in that.(I might in the future but right now cannot guarantee it and find it unlikely.) I do, however, want to adopt or foster (I am even graduating with a degree in social work partially to help ease the process). I have never ever had biological maternal feelings, and, to be honest, I have had every pelvic issue you can imagine and the thought of going through labor and destroying my body further honestly gives me panic attack-inducing nightmares. I also suffered from severe clinical depression, mental illness runs in my family, and I would hate myself if I willingly subjected my child to it via genetics.

Craig is very scared of the concept of adoption, thinking adopted kids are “used” children, and would be upset his own genetics wouldn’t be reflected in his children. I personally believe being a parent is about unconditionally loving children and trying to provide them the best opportunities possible, whereas he is really focused on the genetic part. I took him to see that Mark Wahlberg movie where they foster and eventually adopt children and it made him cry (good tears); it seemed to calm him down a little, but I still think this issue might be a huge fight waiting to happen. He has never said it would be a deal-breaker or that the relationship would not work out if we never had children, but I know it would upset him deeply and he might resent me later on.

I do not want to prolong a doomed relationship and think it would be better for us to break up and find new partners where we can both be fulfilled if this issue is a deal-breaker. I also do not want to move for a doomed relationship, as I will be choosing a law school based on where he ends up getting a job and don’t want to be stuck for years if we break up. I’d like to have a little more clarity on this issue before one of us uproots everything. What should I do and how should I go about it?