When we first got married, we agreed two children would be our ideal number. However, in 2014-2015 I had three miscarriages. It was traumatic, and I struggled with a lot of anxiety and self-blame. I felt like my whole life was on hold. George and I agreed we would try one more time and if the pregnancy did not work, we were done trying. Fortunately my fourth pregnancy ended with the healthy birth of my son. We agreed to wait a few years to try again because I felt like I had spent years trying to get pregnant, then being pregnant, then adjusting to motherhood. I wanted time to feel like myself again.

Now almost four years later, I feel strongly that I want to be a mom of one. While the baby and young toddler phase were overall enjoyable, I much prefer his age now as he is gaining independence. I love watching Ed develop his own interests and helping him learn about the world. He is fun to hang out with, and it is easy just to pick up and go with one. We live in a two-bedroom townhouse in a desirable area of our city with a lot to do in walking distance. Adding another child would most likely mean a move to a less desired area for more space. We have the extra finances to spend on activities and experiences for Ed, which we might not have if we had two children. George’s family lives nearby, and Ed sees his two male cousins who are close in age at least once per week, so he is growing up with family around. I feel like I have the energy to focus on my family and career while still having personal time for myself. George and I both work full-time, but he works more hours than I do with a longer commute. During the week most of the parenting is my responsibility with going to activities and pre-school (pre-pandemic). I love being a mom, but I do worry I’ll be stressed and overwhelmed if I add another child to the mix. Right now the balance is manageable.

After delaying and stalling, I finally had a conversation with George a few months ago about how I truly felt. He was hurt and truly can’t understand my perspective. While he said it is not a dealbreaker for him, he feels like this will be hard for him to get past and it will be his life’s biggest regret that he only has one child. George wants to give Ed a sibling as he can’t imagine life without his siblings. I, on the other hand, while one of four, do not have a close relationship with any of my siblings as we are spread throughout the country. I do not think having a sibling guarantees closeness.

A few months ago I fostered a beautiful tabby cat who unfortunately passed away due to a chronic illness, and I was totally devastated. For days I was in tears but would purposefully try to hide my pain because I knew that I had zero emotional support from either daughter. Rather, they would both walk past me when I was sobbing and would sneer at me in an evil manner while saying, “Okaaayy… awkward!”

Just last night my older one screamed and scared the “bejeebers” out of me while I was mopping up the poop stains from the floor of the room where HER poodle sleeps. She was mad because I had used some of her makeup and had failed to tell her about it. I was going to mention it to her soon but then never got a chance, and I really didn’t think she would care that much about it. I told her that I simply wanted to try some of her sample products that she had received in the mail and that I was planning to return them. However, she had nothing to do with that. She was fuming and her voice was shaking with rage. I quietly returned the three small items to her and just stood there with the mop still in my hand – totally numb and feeling like the piece of shit that I had just cleaned up.

These are just a few small examples – there are many more far worse ones….believe me!!!

They have all the money in the world and have the best of everything that her dad and I have provided them with, yet quite obviously they seem so unhappy and hateful when it come to dealing with me. Sometimes I truly feel that if I did not exist in their lives, they would be delighted. However, they love their dad to the end of the universe and back, and they emphatically remind me about this. Unfortunately, their dad (my husband) doesn’t support me in this matter, and he says that it’s “all my fault” because I don’t behave the way a mature mother should behave. I seriously don’t understand what that means as I have always tried my best to be a good mother to them. After all, they are my own flesh and blood and I do love them despite their obnoxious behavior towards me.