Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
My ex, “Karen,” and I had a “loose” agreement that we would introduce new significant others to each other before introducing them to our 14-year-old son. However, she did not do that; my son has met Karen’s new boyfriend a few times and now she is having him sleep over.

I am not hurt over the fact she has a boyfriend as I somewhat prepared myself for that. What hurts, disappoints and surprises me is that, first off, I pretty much had to force her to tell me she has a boyfriend and she did not honor our agreement — and my son has met him a few times but I have not even been asked to do so. I’m upset that she’s having him sleep in the matrimonial home that I owned before I met her and still, per our pre-nup, have to pay all expenses for until it’s sold. She is trying to break the pre-nup and stay one more year past what the pre-nup says, and all of this adds up to anger.

It now makes me uncomfortable and I feel will remain that way if I am offered to meet him. This also goes against what we talked about and what I envisioned, which was to have three adults working together to support our boy. The opposite has happened as the disrespect I have experienced seems to have burned the bridge to being amicable as my trust of them has taken a hit. I am not certain but it is possible that this was planned to hurt me like she has hurt and disrespected me in the past in other ways.

Of course, I am supportive and cool with my son but it feels to me a big peice is absent leaving me confused, hurt and concerned for my boy. Also, he did not tell me that he met his mom’s new boyfriend as he thought I would be hurt and mad. I found out from another person who knows both of us.

I am not sure what to do and have asked to meet the new boyfriend with no reply so I don’t want to look like I am begging or something and I don’t want to approach it with anger as anger makes people do things they normally don’t do or say. Suggesting we go to counseling would be the only other idea I have but it is likely she will refuse as she has in the past on other important issues.

Why would she do this? It puts our son in the middle, little positive is in it and and the negative could remain for years to come, unfortunately.

Do you see anything I am missing? Anything you can suggest? A new approach? — Agreement Broached!

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5 comments
I know that good-lookers have extra dating hurdles and even though I am a good-looking woman, I know the ropes. The problem is I want a good-looking man and, at 60, he’s hard to find. Before I married, I had my pick of good lookers and those were the days when guys had to make the first move. I’m learning how to do that myself, but I’ve realized I need to unpack why I want a great-looking guy next to me in bed. I know the anthropological “answer” is that good looks are symmetrical and indicate healthy genes. In natural selection, the best-looking males are coveted. Why should that matter now that I am older though? Is it instinct or habit?

Most of my boyfriends and my husband were knock-outs. Maybe I do not want a committed relationship? I’ve thought of that as well. My life is full of love. I just want to date. Is it low self-esteem? I’ve been working on that in Codependents Anonymous for years and I think I’ve raised my self-esteem considerably. I am an alpha woman, ENFJ (Myers Briggs) and an 8 (Enneagram). Is it that alpha men are often good-looking as well as powerful? I still attract insecure men who want a strong woman, but I cut them loose pretty quickly. I know you may go after me for being conceited, but I see that as simplistic. Good lookers want dating relationships with peers, I believe. But why? Thanks for your thoughts on this. — A Good-Looking 60-Year-Old

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I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. When we moved in together all those years ago, we kept his bed, not mine. We’ve had a couple of sets of new mattresses through the years and just recently purchased a new headboard. My husband didn’t understand why I wanted a new headboard as he felt nothing was wrong with the old one. I told him it didn’t fit our king size bed frame and I wanted a nicer headboard. He didn’t agree, but he caved. The headboard came, it sat in our garage for a few days, and I finally asked when was he putting it together. He said soon and I jokingly asked how long he’d had the headboard we have now, whether he’d had it in his first marriage. He said, yeah, it came with his ex-wife. I’d been joking, but he was serious!

For 15 years, we’ve used a headboard that his ex-wife brought when she moved in with him. I had no idea and still feel overwhelmingly hurt by the news. He did install the new headboard that same day and has the old one ready to be disposed of. He was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 a few years ago, and since the diagnosis we’ve only been intimate a handful of times. The combination of this knowledge and our current relationship has me left feeling hurt, with almost an inadequate feeling and insecure. Do you have any advice? — Hurt By a Bed

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Happy weekend! What are you up to? I have no plans this weekend and after a month of nonstop activity – my friend’s memorial in St. Louis, Father’s Day, my friends’ wedding in Chicago, end-of-the-school-year activities and getting the kids transitioned into summer, throwing a 4th of July party and hosting out-of-town guests, and throwing joanie a 4th birthday party — I’ve got nothing planned this weekend and I am psyched about it! I’m going to finally finish this book and then start this one, which I’ve heard is really good, and is finally off my hold list at the library.

If you haven’t been following the news, Trump and his administration is still god-awful and they’re still separating families at the borders and locking them up, kids included, in cages. Tonight, in cities across the country, is a nation-wide rally/protest/vigil that I urge you to take part in if you can. Again and again and again, we have had reason to be taking the streets. I’ve protested so many times in the past 2-1/2 years, I’ve lost count. Tonight, I think Drew is going to go in my place while I stay home with the kids (he hasn’t been to a big protest yet; I’m usually the designated marcher in the family when these things are too late or too crowded to bring the kids and one of us has to stay home with them). Anyway, here’s info about it, and here’s info specific to the NYC rally.

And here are a few other links from the web that might interest you:

Modern Love: When a Dating Dare Leads to Months of Soul Searching

Want a Happy Relationship? The World’s ‘Most Comprehensive Study’ Says It Comes Down to Just 1 Thing (Plus: How to Get It if You Don’t Have It)

This was an interesting read: “I’m An Ethical Pimp. Here’s What A Typical Day Is Like For Me And The Women I Employ.”

When Did You Realize American Health Care Was Broken? Eight women share stories of their frustrating, exorbitantly expensive, and demoralizing experiences with the U.S. health-care system.

Are 8 Out of 10 Women Really Wearing the Wrong Bra Size?

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I am trying to follow your Twitter account, but I couldn’t find it; I’m new to Twitter, so I don’t know how to recognize which is yours. Here’s my deal: My on-off boyfriend ended our relationship three years ago. we had started dating as high school sweethearts, and then dated again in our twenties and again in our early thirties. I’m now 39 years old, single and ready to mingle. I was seeing this guy 10 years younger than I; we had fun and he helped boost my self-confidence, but I didn’t have strong feelings for him. We ended things about a month ago and he’s tried contacting me a couple times, inviting me for dinner and such, but I have refused him.

Anyway, a new neighbor moved in next door, and at first I hated him (he would turn the radio on at 5 a.m.!!!). Then, we hung out a couple of times, having beer or wine at his place or my place. I could see the red flags from far away! He’s 47, twice married (still married, but separated years ago), he had just ended a long-term relationship with a woman — they had actually lived together, and so when he moved in everything was brand new. One time we were talking in my apartment and drinking beer. He had come back from a party, and had some drinks on him, so he was more than tipsy. We ended up kissing passionately, but then we called it the night. The next morning I wrote him a message telling him it would be best if we would forget about the night before and he agreed. (We hardly ever text or talk on the phone.) Then one Sunday I showed up at his apartment and tried to invite him for some coffee when he told me that the night before he had gone to another party and run into his ex girlfriend and that they had talked a while and then decided they wanted to explore if they could get back together again. (He also told me he was wondering if his relationship with his ex girlfriend had become toxic, given that this was the second or third time they had broken up.) That day in question he was actually waiting for her to come over, so I went back to my apartment, packed a suitcase, and drove 150 miles to my sister’s place — I had two weeks of vacation time — and I wrote him a lengthy message telling him I understood toxic relationships because I was in one and that I hoped his wasn’t one or wouldn’t become one and That I wished him the best. In that text I also confessed that I felt attracted to him!!! And it is true!! I hadn’t felt like this in YEARS!!! Like butterflies in my stomach, like going to bed thinking about him, remembering every single thing he said or did…

The next day he called me and told me he misses seeing my car in the parking lot, and what the car represents, but I couldn’t take his call so he hung up after I told him I was busy (and I truly was). Anyhow, that was last week. I came back on Tuesday and again on Wednesday we were having drinks in my place and listening to music. He came over to my apartment two days last week. We talked for hours, we listened to music, and we laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. He played with my hair, grabbed my hand, told me I’m pretty, said he likes my smile, etc… On Saturday, I was on the patio doing my laundry—our patios are separated by a thin wall, so we can hear each other—and he talked to me through the wall and we had a long conversation, about nothing and everything. I invited him to come over, but he refused, although he said he would like to have coffee. So, we had coffee, toasts and a wall between us. We each went back into our apartments; I was making dinner and he was getting ready for a party. While I was cooking, he came to my apartment three different times, like asking for advice on his outfit, etc. His ex-girlfriend was going to pick him up, and yet he was lingering in my apartment!!! On Sunday he was out all day spending time with his ex girlfriend (I know because she picked him up).

On Monday afternoon/evening I was working on my computer in the living room and I heard someone at my door. To my surprise, it was HIM!!! He was drinking a glass of wine and wanted some company. So we spent like two hours talking and listening to music and, again, flirting. I ended up placing my hand on his leg but moved it immediately, and he grabbed my hand and put it back on his leg. Then, around midnight or one-ish, he went back to his place. Last night he came home and, seeing that I was not home, he texted me, saying he thought I had gone camping as I told him I wanted to do. But I was out running some errands. I come home less than an hour later and I have to admit I invited him for a drink. So he came over to my place, saw I have only three beers, and told me we should go to the supermarket and grab some more. I agreed, and we got in my car. He hugged me in the supermarket, and then when we came back, I made some dinner and we ate together while drinking. Again, we spoke for hours (something he tells me he likes doing with me, talking and talking, making him feel like time flies). Because I was out and about earlier in the day, I had makeup and a cute dress on. Once he saw me he, started saying I looked cute, that he liked my outfit, that I was attractive, blah, blah.

Anyhow, while sitting on the couch, he would constantly pull my dress to cover my knee (I wasn’t sitting in a bad manner, or showing too much leg, just sitting normally). I asked him if I was making him feel uncomfortable and he said no. Just before midnight, we were saying that perhaps it was time to call it a night, when all of a sudden he came closer to me and gave me a big kiss. We kissed and I liked it! I didn’t want it to be over!! He stood up and said he was leaving, so I went with him to the door, because I had to lock the door, and we kissed again, long and tender. And this time he put his body closer to mine, and I could feel he was enjoying himself as well. Again, I didn’t want the kiss to be over. I wanted to kiss him more and more, and I took the liberty to touch him, touch his head, touch his back, touch his ass… and I could feel his body all over mine, pressing me against the door. But he held back and went back to his place.

Early this morning he texted me asking me if I slept well. I said I did and replied that I hoped his hangover wasn’t bad. He replied saying he had no hangover, that he was not drunk nor tipsy at all the night before. So when he kissed me he was fully aware of what he was doing.

Well, today I was visiting some friends and when I came home at 8 p.m., whose car do I see parked outside??? His ex-girlfriend’s!!! So, I realized he is not really into me, or he’s a narcissist, or he takes advantage with the fact that I confessed feeling attracted to him! I now understand I have to keep my distance from him, but how do you that with your nextdoor neighbor? And should I tell him I need to keep distance from him? Should I tell him we should no longer share more time together? For the sake of my wellbeing, and the sake of his fractured relationship with his (ex)girlfriend?

And please, please, tell me how to find you on Twitter. — Come and Knock on My Door

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24 comments