Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Hey-hey! Another week in the books. Today is the day the bonus unemployment expires through the CARES act, days after the eviction moratorium for millions and millions of Americans ended (with rent due tomorrow). In short: Things are about to get ugly. If you are gainfully employed and your income hasn’t been affected by the pandemic, please consider lending financial help to those in need. There are many mutual aid groups set up in communities around the country. Find them through Google or social media or this handy mutual aid hub and see how you can help members of your community survive what is sure to be an even greater hit to people’s well-being than the deadly pandemic we’ve all been fighting for months. Then watch a movie or a fave TV show (“Schitt’s Creek” got us through the first two months of quarantine and now we’re watching “Love on the Spectrum,” which is super interesting), enjoy a beverage of your choice, and try to decompress as best you can. The next few months are going to be next level.

Here are a few links that might interest you:

Netflix’s ‘Love on the Spectrum’ updates both reality dating shows and portrayals of autism

San Fran couple who insisted on ‘dream wedding’ with 100 GUESTS catch Covid, along with at least eight others.

More thoughts related to AOC’s powerful speech last week: “Women reflect on sexist slur that often goes unpunished”
I Never Wanted Kids. COVID-19 Changed My Mind.

John Lewis’ death-bed essay, published, per his wishes, yesterday on the day of his funeral, is a must read: “Together, You Can Redeem the Soul of Our Nation”

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I’ve been with my husband for eight years, married for four. We just bought a house a little over a year ago, and I’ve been wanting a baby for some time now. It’s always been in the back of my mind since my husband and I were dating, but now since we got the house, it’s getting obsessive. We struggled both financially and emotionally for many years, so it never felt like the right time. Now that things are finally falling into place for us, I feel ready for a baby, but my husband isn’t in the same boat. He wants to keep waiting because he likes how we are right now and he wants to travel and get even more financially secure. I’ve tried addressing his concerns by showing him we have more than enough money for a baby. I’ve also tried arranging travel trips, but he says no to each one. It’s as if he doesn’t want to remove the roadblocks that he gave me for not wanting a baby yet.

When I ask how long he wants to wait, he’s says he’s not sure – maybe five years. I’m 30 and he’s 35, so I feel five years is way too long for us. I’ve asked if we can try in one to two years, but he gives me a vague answer like “we’ll see.” Earlier this year both my sister and my niece had babies. I’m so happy for them, but it’s a constant reminder that we don’t have one. We are asked by friends and family constantly about when we’re going to have a baby, and I have to say “Oh, we’re not ready yet,” despite my feeling like we are. I catch myself pressuring my husband by bringing it up without any thought. I’ll start talking about making the guest room into a baby room, I’ll show him pictures/videos that my sister and niece have sent me and gush over their babies, I’ll mention how one day our kids will be doing this or that, I’ll wander into the baby aisle at the store, etc. I don’t do it intentionally and sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it until he gives me a look.

My family and friends tell me I should just push him to have kids, making it into an ultimatum—-or, worse, I should trick him into it (skip a pill/ruin the condom), which I really don’t want to do. I honestly want him to want a baby too. I want him to gush and dream with me. He used to enjoy talking about our future kids, but now he’s so hesitant about making it happen. I’m starting to get depressed and resentful because it feels like he doesn’t want kids even though he assures me he does, just not right now. It feels frustrating to see him be so aloof about it and not try to find a middle ground. I don’t want to ruin our marriage over this, though. I don’t want to force him or pressure him, but I also don’t know how to be supportive like he needs me to be when I feel so resentful.

How can I be supportive when I feel this way? How can I stop the baby fever so I can just enjoy my husband again? — Baby Fever

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CIRCLE ICON DW 0127145

Here’s what we’re discussing this week in the forums:

DW Zoom call tomorrow, organized by Fyodor!

Emotionally Unavailable

Hooked up with ex, now wondering what if?

Hooked up with ex, now wondering what if?

Get a friend/bf back

My brother is horrible to me

Bizarre Ex

“Do I like him or do I like that he likes me?”

Anyone going on awesome dates?

Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread
Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

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updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Deprived Newlywed” (LW2) whose new husband rarely wanted to have sex and would often reject the LW’s initiating sex, telling her he felt like a piece of meat and that he needed more compliments to get into the mood. Her update below.
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I’ve been in a relationship for three years with “Paul,” an amazing guy who adores me. Even though theoretically I have everything I have always dreamt of (we have even discussed marriage), I still find myself frequently obsessing over another guy I met four years ago – “Aaron.”

I met Aaron at university, and we hung out every day for the next week. He introduced me to his friends and he took me everywhere he went. I immediately felt connected to him, and it was amazing being together. After a week we kissed and I was in heaven (he looks like my dream guy). For our first night having sex, he had prepared a romantic setting and it was amazing. He was such a gentleman. I didn’t know what to do afterwards, so I asked if he wanted me to sleep there. He said, “Whatever you feel like,” so I stayed to show him he was not just a one-night stand for me.

Beginning the next day, he transformed into someone else. He started ghosting me until he finally agreed to meet me before he left for a long vacation. I asked him directly about us, to which he answered: “I promise when I’m back everything will become clear,” and he kissed me goodbye. I counted the days for his return, but he didn’t even let me know he was back. I saw him a few days later at a bar where I was with friends. I was angry at him for disappearing, so I wasn’t so friendly. After a few days of silence I finally confronted him. He said he is not the relationship type but if I wanted, we could “meet” once in a while. I didn’t agree, so we hugged and said goodbye.

I cannot understand how someone who seemed so perfect changed completely and shut me off after having sex with me one time. I am angry at him for making me feel like we had something special. And I’m angry at me for still obsessing over him and looking at his and his now-girlfriend’s pictures on social media. But most of all, I feel guilty because my boyfriend really doesn’t deserve this.

I keep thinking of my mistakes and what I could have done differently so that he would have stayed with me. I don’t know if I lost true love or if this is just a hit on my self-esteem and ego that I need to get over. Truth is, I had never had a one-night stand or even been dumped before, so this was the first and only time I had to deal with something like this.

If you can offer me any advice on the matter, I would be deeply thankful. — Still Obsessing over My Dream Guy

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