Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
My boyfriend, “Hank,” and I have been dating for over a year and a half, but we’ve known each other for over 20 years. I’m 42, he’s 49. We are so perfect for each other, and at our age I feel like we each know what we want in a partner. The problem is we aren’t moving forward, but it’s not that either of us doesn’t want to go the next step. He purchased his parents’ home about 10 years ago and has asked me and my son to move in. The home is in my childhood neighborhood, which is not a safe area and doesn’t have good schools, either. It’s definitely not a place I’d ever choose to live. Plus, it’s HIS home. It’ll never be OURS. I’ve suggested purchasing a place together – somewhere we could both feel comfortable with, but he refuses. He says it’s ridiculous for someone his age to purchase a new home, pay a mortgage for 30 years, and have to work until he’s 80. The house he owns now is also sentimental to him since it was his family home (although his seven siblings had no problem selling it prior to his wanting to buy it), and I understand his point of view. But he’s financially struggling in his current situation. Every year he’s late on his house taxes, and he even has to have a roommate just to afford the minimal extras in life. I’ve explained how moving into our own place would benefit him financially. I have a decent paying job with a pension, and I could take on that burden, for the both of us if I needed to.

My heart is breaking, thinking that I should leave him, because it’s not fair to me to continue with this relationship if there’s no end game. Am I right to feel this way? Is there a middle ground I’m not seeing? Should I give up everything I’ve been searching for in a relationship for my “wanting to build a future” together? — Don’t Want to Lose Him

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Here’s what we’re discussing this week in the forums:

Has the spark died?

Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread

Should I Go To The Haunted House?

The guy I’m dating told me he subscribed to an only fans recently

Issue with my boyfriends family & friends

Advice on housing

Anyone going on awesome dates?

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

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We need a palate cleanser after yesterday (this post, the stolen Supreme Court seat, all of it). So, let’s discuss things bringing us joy or entertainment and things that make our lives a little better or more convenient during this wackadoodle time. (Kate, I’m looking at you for a beauty rec, I know you must have one.) Here are a few of mine:

1. Harry Styles’ new video for “Golden” because Harry Styles running wild with a loose white shirt unbuttoned to the middle of his chest is the balm we all need.

2. David Letterman interviews with Lizzo and with Dave Chapelle in new episodes of “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.”

3. The new Borat movie (and specifically, the fertility dance scene).

4. These slippers, which pretty much never leave my feet when I’m home, which means they never leave my feet because I’m home all the time. (Tip: It takes a few days to break these in, but once you do they’re perfect!).

5. This butternut squash soup recipe, which I’ve made for years and am still not even a tiny bit tired of; I could eat it for lunch every day for the next four months and be happy. Ish. All things considered. (Tip: I use only maybe 1/2 cup of cream cheese and that’s plenty).

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My wife, “Jill,” and I got married early, while still in college. Because we were young, we had growing pains. It was not fun, but we managed to work things out over the years and have had a very good marriage for many years since. However, there was one thing that occurred within the first two years of our marriage. Jill had dropped out of school, but I was still working hard on my degree. She came home from work one day and announced that she was going out with the girls from work. I knew from stories she had told me that at least one of the workmates played around on her husband. Another was an unmarried slut who had sex with every guy she went out with. I asked her where they were going, and Jill was very evasive and said that that was to be decided when they met at the house of one of the girls. She then started getting ready to go. She grabbed a black one-piece jumpsuit, which she had worn many times before but always with a blouse underneath. It only had two shoulder straps and was low-cut with double breasted brass buttons. After she put it on, one could readily see down the front. I asked her to put a safety pin at the top to provide a little better coverage. She initially argued that I was being ridiculous, but then she acquiesced and pinned it where it was somewhat acceptable. Then she rushed out to her car saying that she would probably be late. Now this was unlike her in that she never went out with the girls after work, so I was a little suspicious — especially given the outfit she had chosen.

As she rushed away in our car, I jumped in my car and followed at a distance. She eventually pulled into an apartment parking lot. I pulled over to where I was not visible, but I could see the apartment parking lot and apartment house well. There were a lot of people coming and going from one apartment. My wife parked, got out, and began to walk up to the “party apartment.” When she was about halfway there, two guys came out with a girl to greet her. I recognized the girl as the unmarried slut from Jill’s office. I could tell that she was being introduced to the guys. After the introductions, one guy put his arm around Jill and escorted her into the apartment with the slut and her date tagging along. Then I saw my wife’s date come out and grab two beers and go back into the apartment. I could faintly make out that she and the guy were seated on a sofa opposite the front door drinking the beers. I thought long and hard about what I should do. I thought about going into the apartment, confronting her, and dragging her home. Then I thought, “Is she going to have sex with the guy? If so, maybe I should give them time to get involved and go in and catch her in the act.” That seemed like a plan that would really put her in her place. So I drove off with the expectation of returning in an hour or so. As I drove, my thoughts became more convoluted. I had not been a great husband, and maybe I deserved this. I had never cheated, but I was less than attentive to her needs and didn’t show her the appreciation she deserved. By the time I returned to the apartment, her car was still there, but the apartment door was shut. I didn’t really know what to do. So I just drove home with my tail between my legs.

The next five or so hours were agonizing. I just sat on the sofa in our trailer house waiting for her to come home. Finally, about 1:00 a.m., I heard the car. I decided to just sit on the couch like nothing was unusual and when she came in, I would ask about where she had gone “with the girls.” I heard one car door shut, but a few seconds later I heard a second car door shut. I was confused about the second door shutting. Then there was a knock at the trailer door. I got up and answered it. Jill was standing there weaving back and forth in total drunkenness. She couldn’t even get up the steps to the door. I pulled her into the trailer just as I heard another car door slam and an engine rev up to take off. I ran past my wife, and saw two guys in a car heading very fast away from our place. I came back into the trailer. My very drunk wife threw her arms around my shoulders, started to cry, and said, “I am so sorry.” She smelled of alcohol, and I had never seen her so drunk. The pin at the top of her jumpsuit was missing and several top buttons were undone, which exposed more than a little cleavage. I pulled her arms off my shoulders, and said, “You really need to get to bed.” I guided her weaving body back to the bed and left her there. I said, “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” She didn’t say anything as she passed out then and there.

The next day at school, I had a test and had to be at school early. By the time I got home from class, she had gone to work. Later that day when she came home, we never discussed what had transpired. I don’t know why – maybe I was afraid to know and she was afraid to tell me – but the previous night was never discussed. And up until two days’ ago, it had never been brought up. Jill has always suspected that I had sex with another girl that I had a date with while my wife and I were engaged. Truth is that I didn’t have sex with that girl, but I probably would have had someone not interrupted the proceedings. But the fact is that I didn’t have sex with her. Apparently, this has always bothered my wife, and she periodically brings it up and accuses me of it. It bothers me that I periodically get accused of something that never took place. So this time, I said to my wife, “I have something that I have never told you.” Then I explained to her what I just wrote in the above paragraphs. She looked inquiringly at me, and said, “I don’t remember anything like that.” She claimed that she didn’t even remember the slut girl. I attempted to recall for her who the girl was, but she claimed that she couldn’t remember any of my story about the occurrence. She then said, “Did you check me when I came in? I might have been raped.” I said that as loose as she was that night with all the booze in her, that I doubted that a guy would have had to rape her. She probably would have been a willing participant. I don’t think she liked that comment, but she didn’t argue it. She went on to say that maybe her top buttons were undone because she had to pee and was too drunk to button them back. That is possible, but it was the top buttons only, and she had to unbutton all of them to get out of the jumpsuit to use the bathroom. So it is doubtful that only the top ones by themselves would be undone. My wife then said, “I am sorry, but I don’t remember any of this or what happened.” Well, I’m sorry, but unless a person has cheated a godly number of times, I think there would be some recollection of at least the early portion of the evening before the booze took its full effect

Now, I will add to this. We’ll fast forward many years later (about two years ago). Jill and I have never been hard swingers, but there have been a few times over the years where we have done a little soft swinging, like fondling with another person. It never went further than fondling above the waist and never any hard swinging. Well, we were visiting this couple that we had done some soft swinging with before. We had dinner and then went out to their hot tub. We had been drinking very heavily and were more than drunk, and when we went back into the house, we all stayed naked. The two wives started kissing and making out together. It sort of turned me on and the other husband as well. We went up and started kissing and fondling them. We didn’t necessarily pay attention only to our wives. Pretty soon I was doing some things that I should not have been doing, and so was my wife, but I didn’t have sex with the other man’s wife. Although we were all in the same room, I could not clearly see what my wife was doing. After spending the night there, I was talking with the other guy the next day, and he said that he had had sexual intercourse with my wife. He even told me about a move she made, which is her classic move. As we were departing that day, my wife asked,”Did you have a good time?” I replied that I had. She then said that she never wanted to do that again. I agreed that we would not. I then asked her what she had done. She claimed that it was only what I had done. I waited for about a week for her to come forward and tell me what she had truly done. She never did. So this time I confronted her, and I told her what her gentleman friend had said. She looked amazed. She said, “I just didn’t know I did that. I don’t think I did, but maybe I was so drunk, I don’t remember.” Well, I was just as drunk, too, and I know what I did and didn’t do. I have not broached the subject anymore with her, although from time to time she will bring it up and say, “I just really don’t know.” So now she is saying, “I just don’t remember about the date many years ago. Maybe I had sex and maybe I didn’t. It is just like that thing two years ago.”

I don’t think I believe her that she fails to remember these two instances. I think she feels guilty and doesn’t want to say and doesn’t want to remember. I can handle her having sex with another guy, but being untruthful about it is running me nuts. I just think she should be honest with me and tell me what happened. I think after all these years, she owes me that. Honesty is essential in any relationship. Any suggestions as to how I can get her to be truthful and honest with me on these things? — Untrusting Husband

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Weekend Open Thread

A friend of mine shared this song with me a few days ago and I thought it was so lovely, I wanted to share with you all.

Can you believe we’re down to 11 days before Election Day?! Do you have a voting plan? Have you already voted? Early voting starts in New York this weekend and I’ll be in line first thing (or maybe Drew will be – we’re going to take turns, so one of us can stay home with the kids). Here’s how to find a polling place near you. And here’s where you can find info for text banking, phone banking and canvassing in these final crucial days of the campaign cycle. If you have other suggestions to help get out of the vote, please share!

In addition to voting, I’ll be watching the new Borat movie this weekend and expect it will be the highlight of the week (well, second to voting against Trump, of course). Hope you all have a good weekend! xox

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