“How Can We See Both our Families During the Holidays?”
I am mostly writing in to get ideas about how to combine our holidays next year. Our families live about two and a half hours away from each other, so we could feasibly see both families in one day. The major problem is that I do most of the cooking for my family holidays at my parents’ house, and hosting will become my job once I settle down. I usually spend about twenty-four hours cooking our meals, which makes my schedule fairly inflexible. Alternating between Thanksgiving and Christmas with each family won’t work since I do the cooking.
I am so busy cooking during the day that I can’t leave to see his family while preparing for my own. His grandmother cooks their holiday meals, and it would be a major offense in his family if I tried to invite them over to a meal that I hosted. I really want to get this right and spend quality time with both of our families. I would love to hear some fresh ideas, or any arrangements that have worked for other people with two demanding (but also fairly understanding) families! — Holidazed
If you’re thinking about marrying this guy in the near future (or any guy, really), you’re going to have to make some sacrifices eventually. By the time you’re married, if not before, you’ll want to spend holidays together, and you can’t expect him to always accommodate you and your family. That may mean alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas. It will most surely mean not doing ALL of the cooking for ALL of your family holidays. Surely someone else from your family knows how to cook, even if it’s not as well as you. If not, meals can always be catered, or your family could go out to a restaurant.
People do go out to restaurants on holidays. It’s not like the world is going to end if you don’t spend 24 hours at every holiday cooking an enormous meal. The world won’t even end if you spend the holiday with your boyfriend’s family sometimes. And the world won’t end if you celebrate Christmas with your family on, say, Christmas Eve, or a week earlier or a week later so that you’re free to spend Christmas day with your boyfriend’s family (or vice versa).
This is an issue that couples have been dealing with since the dawn of time. When two people come together and merge their lives, there has to be some sacrifice and compromise made. Maybe with only a year and a half under your belt, you aren’t quite ready to make the sacrifices necessary for a long-term/life-long commitment. That’s fine. Most people wouldn’t expect you to at this point. But if/when you do marry eventually, whether it’s to your current boyfriend or someone else down the line, it’s unreasonable to think you’re always going to spend major holidays with your family simply because you seem to think you have to do all the cooking or your family will perish. Get used to the idea — and get them used to the idea — that at 22 you’re beginning to forge your own adult life in the world and traditions that won’t always include them. They’ll adapt. Just like their parents did before them.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Wendy is right. When you decided to be married, you and your family are going to change traditions…Here is a thought, what did your parents do? For my family, we usually do christmas eve with one family and christmas day with another. When you own a home, you can host the holiday and have people come to you from both sides of the family. For thanksgiving, we normally do Thanksgiving with one family and the day after thanksgiving with the other. We try to alternate. Both sets of parents get hurt sometimes but the love us. Just wait until you have all siblings married. We start emails months ahead of time and make a decision.
You are young, but I will warn you this. My SIL is getting divorced now and one of the biggest things was that she refused to be with his family and it always became a fight. You can’t think that only your family is important. It isn’t fair.
Hey LW,
OK, I understand where you are coming from on the cooking thing. Me and my dad cook Thanksgiving every year for his side of the family- but we alternate Christmas with everybody else (actually, very rarely do we ever host Christmas). But let’s be serious here- I don’t think that you are the ONLY one who can cook in your family. It’s more of a control thing; when you cook you have more control over the proceedings of the day, and I think that might be part of the reason that you don’t want to compromise that. It wouldn’t hurt to let someone else hold the reigns for a bit.
If that’s too much for you, try staggering the holidays. Cook for your folks on Christmas eve and spend the actual day with his family. Host Thanksgiving day at your house and that Saturday have turkey with his family. It’s not the specific day that matters, but the fact that you get to spend time with loved ones. There isn’t an expiration on holiday spirit! Switch it up different years, or set a timeline that you will follow for several seasons. Make sure that it’s something that you can both agree on, and that both parties make sacrifices (that way one person doesn’t resent the other). It will probably be a challenge to initially decide on a schedule that works for all families, but it will work itself out.
Remember the reason for the season! As long as you get to spend time with your loved ones during the holidays, who cares what calendar day it happens on? Good luck.
A lot can happen in a year. Especially if you’ve been long distance all this time and will be moving in together. This really isn’t a problem you need to be worrying about until next October. And yes you will have to let go of this mentality that you do ALL the cooking for ALL the holidays, no matter who you are married to.
I’m totally going to suggest margaritas and enchiladas for this year’s Christmas dinner.
That’s what I did last year. I’m tired of being in the kitchen all day and not enjoying myself with my family. I made the enchiladas in the morning and threw them in the oven later. They were wonderful. I bought a bagged salad and frozen cheesecake. We had a blast.
Wendy is right. You have to be flexible. Do you have siblings? Your boyfriend have siblings? Do you really think that your sibs’ spouses won’t make plans of their own that don’t include going to your house for dinner?
I do all the cooking for my family too. And that means I get to set the schedule. Holiday dinner is whenever I cook it. I think the best bet is to alternate days like Wendy suggested. One year you host on Christmas Eve – the next year his family does. If there are too many siblings and variables to change the date then change the time. You can prepare a thanksgiving lunch and then have dinner by his family in the evening – less ideal but doable. I’m sure your families will work with both of you so they get to see you for the holidays. If the alternative for them would be to not see you then they will do what a lot of families have to do and compromise. Just make sure you give everyone plenty notice on the plans.
LW – I give you fair warning that attempting to cover both families on a single day will get exhausting. I know 2 1/2 hours of travel does not seem like a lot, but it gets to you. Especially if you are eating continuously -damn you turkey!! There is nothing worse than after consuming a massive amount of food having to rouse yourself, pack up, drive, and then do it all again. It is good that you are thinking ahead and not just figuring that because you two love each other, these questions will answer themselves, but like Wendy mention there is going to have to be some give on your side.
I know my family divides it like this: Thanksgiving – at my parents because my in-laws travel out of town to see my brother-in-law and his family. Christmas Eve – my in-laws followed by mid-night mass. Christmas morning – my parents for brunch and presents. Christmas afternoon – my inlaws for cold cuts and presents. Now doesn’t that seem exhausting, and my parents and in-laws live only a few miles away from each other.
As for cooking for the holiday events, I agree that scaling it down or picking alternative holidays is your best bet. I think you should pick the dish that you are best known for (be it dessert, side, or appetizer) and promise to bring it, or make it in situ. Besides, if you are moving to be around your BF (and I am assuming you are currently living close to your family), then you do not want to spend all of your precious family time in the kitchen instead of being able to catch up. Good luck!
LW, I’m going to be honest with you. From the tone of your letter, you didn’t want advice as how to balance the holidays, you wanted someone to tell you it’s ok to have ALL the holidays at your house because you have to do the cooking. But that’s just not the case.
Ok, you said you were 22, so how long have you been doing ALL the cooking for your family? I’m guessing a max of 10 years. What did your family do before that? I’m betting they didn’t go hungry because no one else knew what to do. I know it hurts to think about, but they will be ok without you. And you will be ok without them, and if you aren’t, maybe you aren’t ready to start thinking about the sacrifices you’ll have to make when you get married.
Your family needs to suck it up and deal. Seriously, you’re 22 years old and you’re the only one that can make thanksgiving and christmas dinner? AND you spend 24 hours doing it?? AND hosting will become your JOB once you settle down? Everything about this sounds wrong. First off, I would never let everyone just coast by and not do anything while I slaved away in the kitchen for 24 hours. Secondly, making holiday meals is no one’s ‘job’.
My guess is that you probably aren’t planning on spending Christmas with him this year, so take this opportunity to teach everyone in your family to make one item. Then next year they can each make that one item and have a whole meal. If they can’t work up the energy to do that, tell ’em to call Honey Baked Ham or something and order the whole damn thing.
There are twelve days of Christmas for a reason. Sometimes it gets celebrated days after the 25th, and that’s OK with us. I have children, so we are in our own home for Christmas morning. Also I have family members in the nursing field, so some years they have to work on that day. Eating two large meals or traveling all in one day is unreasonable. At first it felt awkward, but it’s nice now to still be enjoying Christmas while everyone is back at the mall. Of course this is easier when Christmas falls later in the week, and there is a long weekend.
My boyfriend and I moved in together this past summer, and along with that decided to start celebrating major holidays together (it just felt wrong last year to be apart on such occasions). We live in Virginia, his parents are in Rhode Island, and mine are in WAY upstate (western, really) NY. It’s pretty much an equilateral triangle with 7-8 hrs drive between each location.
This year, we did Thanksgiving with his family (his high school reunion being the day after the holiday made that decision easy), will be doing Christmas with mine, and are then hosting Easter for both sides at our place. We did the whole “Christmas morning” tradition with his family the Saturday after Thanksgiving, with stockings and all.
I’m not sure what the plan will be for next year- my high school reunion is next thanksgiving weekend, but I’d have a really hard time not doing Christmas with my family (while his is used to moving it around every year). Honestly, even though I’m not too attached to Thanksgiving, it was tough to do that without my family- and I can at least look forward to seeing my them soon! I’m sure he’ll miss his family for Christmas just as I did for Thanksgiving, but there is no perfect solution. It’s part of being an adult.
LW-
I agree with Wendy. And to supplement her advice, this is what I did with my ex fiance and it worked for us . . .
We both loved Christmas with our immediate families. His lived in the same town as us. Mine lived 1800 miles away. Christmas was the only holiday I made sure to fly home for. He wanted to stay in town with his family because his sister was always flew home. We both understood that our own family traditions were important to the both of us. So, before I left town, we had our own little Christmas at my apartment. Also, his parents, brother and I had a Christmas dinner before I left as well and exchanged presents. My fam sent presents to him. Then, I left and had my Christmas. We were planning on doing this once married as well. Like I said, it worked for us. Now, once kids would have been involved, things would have had to change and compromises would had to be made. But until then, we didn’t see the big deal about spreading out the holidays. Also, I should add we were in our mid 20s at the time.
I get that most everyone wants to spend the actualy holiday with their significant other, but I’ve read other stories where this has worked, celebrating with the SO a few days before or after. Why does Christmas always have to happen on the 24th/25th?
LW, my parents had the same problem when we moved away from the hometown they’d always lived in to a few hours away, and then my dad’s parents moved an hour and a half in the other direction. My grandmother – my dad’s mom – came up with the most brilliant solution: the Saturday before Christmas, we would drive to her house and do Christmas with that side of the family. It was so fun and such a great tradition, we started doing Thanksgiving with her, too, and my mom’s family was totally fine with it because they got us for Christmas day. And then, instead of cooking for both Thanksgiving AND Christmas, she called one year and asked if we would be terribly offended if she ordered pizza for Christmas. No one was – in fact, when she died in 2008, we carried on the tradition and still do Christmas pizza at my cousin’s. It’s one of my favorite ways to celebrate the holidays. Just because you’ve always done something one way doesn’t mean a different way to do things wouldn’t be just as fantastic.
Another idea. This is another compromise, but sorry LW, you’re going to have to compromise in this situation.
If you do the cooking. How about you cook on the 23rd. Celebrate the 24th with your family and spend Christmas day with his? Win/win in my opinion.
Once you get married your husband will be your immediate family and your current family will become your extended family. Your relationship with your husband will be primary and so come before the relationship with the extended family. That means you figure out how to spend the holidays with your husband, and children when you have them, and you work out arrangements with both extended families. It would be nice if you got every member of your family to each make or purchase one dish for Christmas dinner this year. They need to start practicing stepping up to the plate and contributing in a meaningful way to their own holiday. Have at least one other person help with the entree/entrees this year so that they know how to prepare them. You should make sure others know how to do this so that if you couldn’t be there for them they could still have a Christmas dinner. Even if you weren’t married you couldn’t assume you could always do all of the cooking. I had the flu one year for Christmas and my son had the chicken pox for Christmas. Last year my mom was hosting Thanksgiving dinner and she passed out just after getting out of bed. My brother cooked the turkey and stuffing for her and they moved the dinner to my aunts house while my mom stayed home in bed. Things happen that are beyond your control and that means that the other members of your family need to be able to help in a meaninful way. Everyone should be able to provide at least one side dish and one dessert even if they buy them the day before at the grocery store. If you have traditional family foods that are meaningful to your family and it just wouldn’t be the same dinner without them then get together with other family members ahead of time and teach them how to prepare one of those family dishes. After you’ve done this a few times you can have a number of family members, both men and women, prepare the important foods. That’s how traditons are maintained. Each generation has to learn to prepare the food if they want the tradition to continue.
Just look at what other couples do, like your parents or friends or other relatives. My dad and stepmom usually go to her family’s house on Thanksgiving day, but spend Christmas with his family and then have a mini-Christmas with her family the next weekend. Sometimes it changes up because he has a job that requires him to be on-call, so they have to stay home that year. One friend goes to her fiance’s family’s Christmas on Christmas Eve, and then they spend Christmas day with her family. You’ll work it out eventually. You just have to be willing to compromise.
Every second year, my brother and his wife drive 7 hours away to be with her family. So on the year they’re gone, we usually celebrate all together a few days, maybe even as much as a week before Christmas. It’s just as wonderful to have a big meal, drinks, laughter and presents on the 20th as it is on the 25th 🙂
This year, I’m spending Christmas Eve with my boyfriend’s family and Christmas Day with my family. Luckily our families are only an hour apart.
You can make it work, LW 🙂
I’m sure if you just tell your family (next year), “this year I can’t do all the cooking for these reasons,” they will be fine with it. Probably more fine with it than you think. And if they aren’t fine with it, then they don’t deserve to have you make all the food for them anyway! So what’s the harm? One member of my family does all the cooking, starting days ahead of time, but for the most part it’s self inflicted. We would all be happy to do the cooking and let her rest, but she is convinced that isn’t the case so she martyrs herself. It sounds like this part of the problem is more your reluctance than your family’s, since you didn’t mention how they feel about the whole cooking thing.
When I started splitting holidays with my boyfriend, I thought my family would be upset, but they just shrugged and said “okay,” because that’s what happens when you grow up. My boyfriend’s family lives 3 or 4 hours away (depending on where we go). We spend Christmas eve with my family, then on Christmas morning, we get up very early and drive to his family’s house and spend the night there. It’s not a big deal, it’s actually fun because we get to spend several hours alone together during the drive.
My boyfriend’s family lived in LA, while mine is from San Francisco. If we wanted to spend the holidays together, we had to divvy them up. Both of our moms were upset about it, but they learned to deal, and so will your family.
Why do you need 24 hours to cook a meal? Seriously, it takes 3-5 hours to cook a turkey, then you have about an hour or two for each side dish. I’ve never heard of 24 hours of cooking.
I think you will notice that next year both sides of your families will be willing to make compromises so they can both see you guys, and to make that work you are going to have to make some compromises too with regards to the amount of work you put into your dinner, and you are going to have to figure out what to give up. At 22 this might be easy for you now, because it is what you are used to and you never had to worry about somebody else, but as you get older your priorities have to change, and if your loved ones can’t help you with that then you almost have to threaten them a little bit, and tell them that if no one wants to help you out then they wont be having dinner, because you will be with your boyfriends family.
Okay. Seriously, somebody else needs to learn how to cook in your family, LW. What are you — an indentured servant? Look,you seems to be USING your need to cook absolutely everything as an excuse so you won’t be the one to compromise any of YOUR family time… I mean, your husband doesn’t cook! Moreover, even inviting his family over would be an insult!!
Wait… An insult. Really?
C’mon! Drop the act…because, frankly, I’m not buying it… Especially since you’re laying it on a bit thick. I mean. if you REALLY want to compromise, you have to be willing to actually, you know, do it. This whole letter is more of a reason of why you can’t. I think you were expecting us to tell you that since you are so VITAL to your family, your hubby-to-be should accept that he is going to have to all but abandon his over the holidays… Sorry to disappoint you, but most of aren’t don’t seem to be doing that…
In regards to the LW doing all the cooking, maybe she picked it up when one parent passed away unexpectantly and the other parent is disabled. Right now it seems LW lives at home with her family, because she has not yet moved in with her boyfriend.
How about letting everyone know now, a year in advance, that you won’t be cooking but once every other year, so you can enjoy the holidays yourself? Just a thought… 🙂 Good luck!
Ah holidays. Just be happy you celebrate both Thanksgiving and Christmas because as someone whose family and BF’s family (and all extended families) only celebrate Thanksgiving it gets a lot tricker. Yikes. Thinking about next year already gives me a headache.
As Wendy and all the other commenters have said- you just have to compromise.
My BF of 4 years and I have a complicated situation. We both now live in FL, His parents and paternal grandparents in NC, his maternal grandparents in SC, and my extended famliy in PA. To make things even more complicated, our anniversary is one week before Christmas. Also, New Years Eve is by far my favorite holiday of the year and my family owns a restaurant that is open on Thanksgiving.
So Thanksgiving is rotated yearly between his NC and SC families. My family doesn’t celebrate it so not seeing them isn’t a big deal. We’ll be going to SC to celebrate Christmas with that side of his family the weekend before Christmas. Which means we won’t be celebrating our anniversary on the day, but that’s okay. He’ss going to NC and I’m going to PA for the actual Christmas Day. He’s coming up to PA for NYE and to celebrate Christmas with my family. This is the last year we’ll be spending Christmas apart…I imagine next year we’ll to Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas in SC and than Christmas Day with my family. But it really is all about talking and working out a compromise that’s best for you and your BF. Changes are someone will be frustrated with you, but you can’t please everyone.
Maybe I’m reading into this wrong but it strikes me as odd that she can’t go with his family since her family “will be grieving the one year anniversary of her grandmother’s death”. Would that really be LW’s grandmother’s wishes to have the family grieving over her passing during the holidays? Or would she perhaps be joyous that LW wants to celebrate a new birth with her bf?
This reminds me a lot of my mother’s family where “image” and “loyality” are EVERYTHING and you do not go against the family. I’m sure it has been engrained in LW’s head that the holiday meals will now be her “job” as that is how it will be done. I have had some much tension with my family since I do not blindly follow and do what I’m told. My mom’s entire family (and my sister) blindly worship my grandmother and see her as the ultimate role model and savior…my dad and I are the only ones who see her for what she is – a control freak who verbally and emotionally abuses my mother. My mother’s “image” took a huge blow when I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving and stayed in my city and celebrated with friends. Nevermind that the last time I saw my mother she exploded into a rage at me and that I haven’t spoken to my sister in almost a year, it’s a holiday and I’m supposed to celebrate with the family and enjoy it!
My advice to LW is that you can start your own traditions! If you don’t want to cook for your family on one holiday one year that is perfectly fine!! You are your own person and do not let your family guilt trip you into doing your “job”. They can either figure out how to cook on their own or go out to eat. If they insist on having you cook and you WANT to cook for them (remember, that is your deicision) then they will have to be okay with the date and time when you choose to serve it. That means they might get a toned down Christmas Eve dinner one year (with maybe 2-3 hours of work put into it instead of 24 hours) instead of the grand Christmas Day feast. Also – potluck style meals are excellent…those who can’t cook can pick up a prepared dish. I’m sure someone can figure out how to make a green bean casserole.
Maybe I’m way off base on my assessment of your family, but if you come from a controlling one like mine it’s okay to spread your own wings and live your own life! They will survive one day without you.
This has always been a big issue in my relationship too. We’ve been together for four years and are now engaged, but we’re still working on getting this right. Our families live 5 minutes from each other, but trying to convince them all to merge the holidays has been a nightmare. It’s taken us a while to realize it, but in the end, Wendy is right, these are the kind of compromises people talk about when it comes to joining your life with someone else’s. Feelings might be hurt, traditions are going to change or stop altogether, it might be hectic, but when you and your significant other are ready to join your lives together, you realize that the upside to all of that change is creating new traditions that are unique to you as a couple.
I understand the “control” bit too… I personally love to cook and hold the reigns of the holiday feasts, but so do the mom’s in our families. I understand that for myself and others, preparing a feast that is central to the celebration for the family is a huge pleasure. Knowing how much I love it, I can’t deny someone else who loves it too. Merging our lives has also meant that I have to let that go sometimes and we take turns hosting. Taking turns has proved to be a good thing because I can focus all of my cooking planning/energy on one holiday, and relax for the other, while someone else gets to enjoy the spotlight of playing hostess.
It can be done, but the most important thing to realize is that as you get older and start your own family, your holidays will never be quite the same as they were when you were younger. But, by incorporating new and old traditions, you will be creating the foundation for the same type of nostalgic memories you had, but for your own family to look back on when you’re even older.
I agree with everything everyone has been saying. Marriage (and even long term relationships) are about compromise. You will not always get what you want or get maintain all of your traditions. What counts is that you find a way to work it out with your significant other and families that strives to help each of you preserve the aspects that are most important to you and to be fair to both families as best as possible. It’s not rocket science that you can’t be in two places at once, and even if your families are a little disappointed at first I promise they will get over it.
Also, it is not true that you have to do all of the cooking that day or even the day before. My family routinely bakes/cooks many of the key dishes for holidays WEEKS in advance and then freezes them to cut down on the work that must be done. And for every holiday, every family unit is expected to bring food, so that lessens the work on the hosts. You don’t have to be a great cook to contribute a store-bought pie or bottles of wine.
I don’t mean to be off topic, but I was wondering if anyone has some useful advice on how to get better at setting boundaries? I think getting better at that can help the LW, but also I’m in need of some tips as well 🙂
Thanks!
LW,
This example isn’t necessarily like yours, I’m not talking about splitting time between in-laws/potential in-laws and your parents. But my entire childhood I had to split holidays between two parents. And it was fine. It sometimes sucked, but it was fine. Instead of alternating my Dad came up with some brilliant new solutions. The Friday after Thanksgiving we have turkey sandwiches and pie at his house. Every year. On Dec. 23rd we all go over for a party (and when we were kids we’d sleep over and open Christmas presents on the 24th, just like it was Christmas Day). That way he got the full holiday experience every year and so did my Mom. Now, as fate would have it, all my sibs are married and with kids of their own and are trying to split holidays with their in-laws. But, Friday after Thanksgiving and the 23rd of December are still my Dad’s days because he learned to compromise really really early in the game.
Something to think about.
xox
Hey guys, I’m the LW! I’m pretty surprised that everyone has misconstrued my letter so much to show that I’m looking for an excuse to get out of spending holidays with his family. I know that I need to compromise. I wrote in looking for ideas of how to do that. I’ve never seen how other couples do this. My dad never had a family, so that was never an issue for my parents. My only brother is not marriage material, so I’ll never really see much from there. His family is in the same situation, never having had to split holidays before. We will be the first to have to do that for both of our families. And both of our families have stayed in the same place and don’t understand leaving town to go do things like go to college or to a husband’s Thanksgiving. I truly do not know how couples divide holidays, and that’s why I’m writing in – not for permission to be a bitch. In fact, I know that his family holidays are more fun than mine, and I’d really rather go to his instead.
And yeah, I have a feeling that most people don’t have families who are as intense around holidays as mine. But keeping up the traditions for my grandfather is important, and yes, there’s a lot of care put into making sure it all comes together. Anyway, there were a couple of people who answered my actual question. Thanks for answering, Wendy!
Breathe, LW. Get through these holidays first, then worry about next year.
I’m also in a LDR, and we’re on our 3rd holiday season together. When planning for the holidays, we’ve had to plan around Christmas day in order for each of us to be with our families since Christmas is an important holiday for both his and my families. We try to plan equal time where both of us will be each of our families in order for it to be fair. There’s a TON of driving involved, but it’s worked so far…should we get married someday, this plan will obviously have to change.
My parents have something going that works very well for them. My dad’s side has a massive Christmas cookie bake the weekend before Christmas. Imagine 50 people crammed into one house, all baking at the same time. The result is literally thousands of cookies, and it is so fun! I think this year marks the 30th year the tradition has been in existence. My mom’s side, on the other hand, has their Christmas gathering the weekend after Christmas every year. It works out well because everyone is busy right on Christmas with their immediate families, and the schedule is always pretty much the same every year, so our family is able to see both sides.
The key is compromising as many others have stated. Yes, you may have had a tradition for years in your family, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t find something new that will work out.
This year my boyfriend and I are being flexible about just seeing each others families around the holiday. He came to my house on thanksgiving, I came to his parents the day after. We’ll do something similar for Christmas. While this year you both are facing extenuating circumstances, maybe next year will be a little calmer and you can figure out how to alternate holidays. I’m sure he has a cousin or a sibling who spends a holiday with THEIR significant other, so his grandmother will just have to get over it every once in a while. Try not to make too big a deal out of this and realize that in the grand scheme of things missing one holiday isn’t going to make that big of a difference.
LW, people *have* actually been answering your question, based on your letter, in which you imply that it is absolutely impossible for you to ever not spend 24 hours cooking both holiday meals for your family, impossible to not center every single detail around perfection for your grandfather, and also absolutely impossible to invite the two families to ever have a holiday meal together. Until you can get over that mindset, nothing practical that people have suggested is going to work because you will insist it’s not doable. You have to accept the fact that you are an adult with a partner now, and the way you have been doing holidays is no longer sustainable. Unfortunately for you, your parents never had to learn that lesson, so you are going to have to make them understand that most people have to deal with their kids leaving the nest and making compromises on things like holidays, and you can’t spend 48 hours cooking for them and being with them every holiday while ignoring your partner and their family.
If you can allow yourself to do that, there are plenty of options, as people have suggested. Alternate TG with one family and Xmas with the other. Bring both families together for a (the) holiday(s). (If it will “offend” his family to be offered a day off from the grind of cooking for a holiday, let them cook for all of you and give *yourself* a break from the grind of cooking for a holiday.) Next year spend TG day with your family and the day after with his family, and reverse it for Xmas. Have your family’s meals catered, or go out to eat, so you don’t lose an entire day cooking that you could be spending with your partner’s family instead. Give up the idea that you need 24 hours to make a meal – throw a turkey or ham in the oven, make (or better yet, ask someone else to make and bring) a side dish or two, order a pie from your local bakery for dessert. Host both families at you and your partner’s place, make a main dish, and tell everyone else what drink/side dish/dessert/extra cutlery/whatever you need them to bring. Tell everyone you love them your and your partner are going to Hawaii for Christmas but you’ll come have (a regular, reasonable) dinner with each family after you get back. The possibilities are endless.
But all of this is easily googleable, something you could ask your friends/coworkers, and/or common sense, which I think is why we’re also assuming what you really need to hear is what I said in the first paragraph (and others have said as well). Holidays are supposed to be about being together as a family, having fun, and enjoying each others’ company, not slaving away in a kitchen by yourself for hours on end and trying to make everything perfect for everyone, or bending over backwards/running yourself ragged to celebrate on a specific, arbitrary day. All you need is the courage to make a change, agreement with your partner on a plan that works for both of you, and acceptance of the fact that you can’t make everyone perfectly happy all the time and they’re just going to have to get used to that fact.
I live in the city and lots of hotels and restaurants will sell an entire Turkey dinner for you to pick up. My fridge was broken this year so this is what we decided to do. It was a great alternative instead of cooking for 24 hours.