“Should I Contact My Ex’s Kids?”
Mercifully, he hasn’t tried to contact me, and I’d like to keep it that way. The problem is, I have a book that I ordered for his teenage son that arrived in the mail after we broke up. I told the son that I was going to buy him this book, and it is important to me to follow through on my promises, particularly because pretty much nobody else in this kid’s family does so. I also discovered the other day that I have my ex’s only pair of nice dress pants.
I want to mail these things to them, but I don’t want to give the impression that I’m reaching out or giving my ex a reason to contact me. I feel bad for having given no explanation, apology, or good-bye to his kids, but I’m afraid sending them a note might piss off my ex and stir up drama when I really just want to let things lie. What do you think I should do? — Wanting Drama-Free Breakup
I think your gut feeling to keep some space from your ex and his kids to avoid pissing off the ex who is prone to anger is a good one. I understand the desire to make things right with the kids – to have some sort of good-bye or closure, but you need to prioritize your safety and well-being and reaching out to your ex right now isn’t the best way to do that. You don’t know what might set him off or what he might interpret as some sort of olive branch on your part or even an invitation to open communication. A box in the mail from you might indicate to him that you’d be open hearing from him.
As painful as it might be to set firm boundaries that also include innocent kids you’ve no doubt bonded with over the past four year and care for, you do have to set them to protect yourself. I think that means not sending the book. Donate it to one of those Little Library houses that are all over the place now, and don’t think about it again. Donate the dress pants, too. And then move on with your life.
You did what you had to do to get out of a situation that was no longer working for you and was potentially putting you in danger. Let yourself grieve and process the experience in peace. In time, I hope you are also to remember whatever good memories you have from the relationship, to think kindly of the kids, and to genuinely hope your ex has gotten the help he needs. But he’s no longer your problem, you did the right thing, and you should feel proud of yourself for recognizing the need to leave this relationship and getting out when you did.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
