Quickies: “Our ‘Situationship’ Is Messing With My Head”
If the situation is messing with your head, change the situation. You can start with lower impact/less disruptive changes, like not returning “I love you’s” with your ex. (You can nod, or say “thanks,” or simply ignore him.) You can stop having dinners together and sharing rooms at races. You have other friends in the sports club, so share a room with one of them. If your ex asks why the change, be honest and say that the murky boundaries you share, combined with unresolved feelings from your breakup, are keeping you from fully enjoying the sports club.
If these changes don’t do the trick or if they “cause waves” within your friendship group, then you’ll need to employ bigger changes, which may include dropping out of the sports club and/or finding a new group of friends (perhaps through a different sports club). You should never feel like you need to compromise your sense of comfort or make yourself smaller/take up less space in order to appease friends. True friends would want you to prioritize your emotional well-being, and would respect the boundaries you need to create to do so, even if it means making some adjustments within your friendship group.
Dick also got pissy when I said I’d rather go to my dream college than somewhere near him. He said dreams don’t always work out and I should give up on mine. I also have financial struggles and I mentioned how hard I’ll be working towards trying to land a scholarship through my art portfolio. Then he told me skill goes backwards, too, even if you practice, which, again, felt like he was dismissing my dreams. Dick apologized frantically after he realized how what he said upset me.
Another concern I had was that one night I got a little drunk – too drunk to legally consent – and even though he was completely sober, he didn’t stop me from getting intimate with him, and that seems weird. Still, he is so sweet, constantly showering me with affection and gifts, and it’s so flattering, especially since my recent ex didn’t even acknowledge me on my birthday. Sometimes, though, it feels like a lot and I just have a strong gut feeling that something is wrong. — Showered With Affection
Trust your gut. What this guy is doing sounds a lot like love bombing, “an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them.” That this guy is also dismissing your choice in college and dismissing your pursuit of your dreams as a waste of time further suggests he is controlling and emotionally manipulative. His cheating on his ex with you and then running back to her as soon as you tried to break up with him is the nail in the coffin. This guy is bad news, and you’ll be relieved in a few weeks when you think back on him and realize you dodged a bullet.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Wow LW2 did you honestly get to the end of writing that and still want to with this guy? Do you really see this as it for you.? You don’t owe him attention just because he gives it to you. He’s on,y giving it to “get laid”. I just don’t see how you haven’t been completely turned off by this person already. Work on your self esteem – I promise there is better out there. And if any guy starts a relationship off with “ I wanted to get laid” just leave – mentally he’s 15 and even if you two are young don’t be with someone who is mentally a teenage boy. Expect better and you will get better. Teach people how to treat you. And don’t be with a guy who cheated on his girlfriend with you! Also don’t be that person either – that was pretty shitty.