“My Live-in Boyfriend Regularly Sleeps at His Mom’s House”
It’s only sometimes and it could be for a week, a couple days, or just one day. He ends up staying at his mom’s house on those nights — she lives 10 minutes away from us. He usually won’t call, but he is really bad with his phone in general and a lot of the time it’s not charged. It upsets me and I don’t understand why he would rather sleep at his mom’s house on the couch than at home with his girlfriend.
The last time he disappeared I was about ready to end things. I had no answers as to why he was pulling away and nothing made sense to me about our relationship anymore. He ended up explaining that he often does this and ruins great relationships because he pulls away instead of communicating and talking about his personal struggles. This last time he left it was because he started smoking cigarettes again and was afraid to tell me. I’m worried that, if he is already doing this after just a year and a half together, what will it be like when we are married? Have you ever heard of anyone doing this? — Feeling Abandoned
Wait… your boyfriend regularly disappears — sometimes for up to a week — and doesn’t even call you to tell you where he is … or why he’s gone or when he’s going to come home?! And you say you have a great relationship? No, this is not what a “great relationship” looks like. A great relationship is not when one party moves back home with his mother for a few days because he started smoking and he doesn’t want his girlfriend to find out. That’s just fishy on so many levels. Did he think you’d never find out? Did he think you wouldn’t notice that he was gone?! For a week? Was he planning to quit smoking and then move back in with you? Did he pack a bag? WHY DOESN’T HE CHARGE HIS PHONE? Or, if he’s at his mother’s house, why doesn’t he borrow her phone? Or just… you know, not sleep somewhere other than his own home with his girlfriend in the first place. None of it makes any sense.
The only conclusion I can come to is that he’s keeping something big from you. Maybe he’s sick or he’s cheating on you or he’s having major doubts about your relationship and doesn’t want to hurt you. When he told you that he’s done this before and that he has trouble opening up about his “personal struggles,” did you ask what those struggles are? Did you ask him why he started smoking again?? There’s obviously something going on and, if your boyfriend is telling the truth and this behavior precedes you and your relationship, then whatever it is that’s wrong has been wrong a really long time. You need to find out what it is and whether you and your relationship can handle it before you start planning the rest of your life with this person.
The strangest part of this is that he doesn’t call you — he literally abandons you without a word. Healthy people in great relationships don’t do that. He either wants out or he’s afraid you’ll want out and he’s trying to beat you to the punch. You need to find out which of those it is and why. Any thoughts of marriage should be put on the back burner for now. The way, way, way back burner. Like, a back burner in Istanbul.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Yeh this is a little nuts. If my boyfriend didn’t come home one night and didn’t call, I’d probably report him as missing. Normal people don’t do this. My bet is that he has another girlfriend. As nutso as this sounds (but your bf is being shady so whatever)–I’d do a drive by his mothers house to make sure his car is there.
I think a drive-by is totally warranted in this situation. In fact, I’d just go knock on the door, if I were her.
1. That’s Weird
2. People still have minutes?
3. Oh, he’s not going to his mom’s honey.
This sounds like drugs to me.
Yeah of all the things I’d guess, I’d guess drugs– the disappearing without calling, etc…even cheaters make time to call. And the cigarettes excuse is possibly telling, because that’s how liars lie sometimes (substitute cigarettes–a not-so-bad vice, with, I dunno, heroin, & he’s actually saying “I started using again”.) Plus the fact that he admits to personal struggle…it’s like he’s telling her, without actually saying. If what I’m saying makes any sense.
Pffft. I wouldn’t even give him the courtesy of finding out which issue it is. Next time he pulls the disappearing act on you, end it.
This is… weird. And, how do you know he’s at his moms? Did he tell you? Because sometimes people lie. This could many things. He could be cheating, he could be using drugs, he could just have some unnatural attachment to his mom’s couch. Either way, it’s not ok. You have two (fairly sane) choices: talk to him and straighten it out or leave. The less sane choice is to keep going this way… but please don’t do that.
Yeah… my first thought on reading this was “There’s no way he’s at his mom’s house.”
His behavior is completely bizarre, and Wendy has to be right. He’s keeping something big from you. There’s no way this is just a weird quirk. How many times has this happened and you’re still describing this as a great relationship?
“we even named our future children together.”
This needs to stop being taken as a sign of anything. My 2nd grade boyfriend and I also picked our future children’s names. Spoiler alert: We never had them, and I didn’t use the names. Anyway…
YES YES YES. I mean most people don’t name their future children with their one-night-stand, but I’ve probably imagined children and imagined being married to 2-3 people. It is not a sign that you should be together forever.
Maybe he’s a secret agent? Ever think about that? Hmm? He’s out there protecting the world from dangerous villains and you’re here all “I have too much room in the bed when he’s gone.” Please, where is your patriotism? I mean it all fits. He leaves for varying amounts of time – days, weeks even. He doesn’t have a phone for you to call (or track) his whereabouts. He “started smoking” (i.e. had a new cover). I mean, common. We all know “mom” is code for headquarters, anyway. Poor guy has to sleep on the couch after a long day in the field.
WWS a relationship where one of your disappears for weeks at a time and makes no attempt (I get that maybe he has a reloadable phone and maybe can’t afford minutes, but there are many ways to communicate with each other! I mean a letter could get to you in two days!) to contact you during that time, is not the definition of a great relationship. I just can’t imagine thinking about marriage when this is going on. I don’t remember if it was a letter or in a forum or what but I remember reading somebody on this site saying, history with someone doesn’t mean you should stay together. So you’ve been together for 1 1/2 years. It might suck being single for a while but it also has to suck to not know where you bf is for weeks at a time.
Am I the only one that can’t wait to get an update on this one?!
Hmmmm…
As someone who used to avoid going home to my apartment, it was when things were really bad with my ex fiance’. And he wasn’t even there! He was in Colorado, and I was in the apartment in New York. I had my cat and everything, but I just avoided going home to be alone with my thoughts.
This situation is different. It seems like a major communication piece is missing. How do you know that he’s sleeping at his moms? Are you taking that at face value? Do you have a relationship with his mom and talk about him staying there?
You need more info, and it doesn’t sound to be in a healthy state right now.
If this is what a “great relationship” is like, I’ll thank my lucky stars I’m single!
Seriously though, WEES. You did not move in with your boyfriend, he moved back into his mommy’s house. Or in with another girlfriend/family/drug dealer. And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who’d rather spend time with anyone else but you? You need to confront him or do a little detective work of your own to figure out what’s really happening. I want an update when you learn the truth.
Ugh, in my 20’s I dated a guy for a few years who did this exact thing. He would go to “help” his parents for 2 weeks and not call or anything, or tell me when he was coming home… Turns out he would take these “breaks” to cheat on me. Needless to say we did not last because that didn’t work for me and I found it impossible to be the “cool girlfriend” in that situation… Either he agrees to go to counseling with you if you think this is worth salvaging or MOA.
Your comment about going to counseling with the boyfriend really popped out at me. What are people’s opinions about going to counseling with someone you’re dating? I’m embarrassed to admit I went to counseling once with a boyfriend I had when I was 22. It was ridiculous. I should have just cut my losses. If you have to go to counseling so soon in a relationship, I think it’s just not worth salvaging.
If you’re engaged or married or been together many years, I can understand going.
As much as counseling can be very helpful, I think the catch all solution is just “go to counseling” when your relationship is in trouble. I remember when my relationship was floundering and I said, “We’ll go to counseling, everything will be alright!” And counseling didn’t make it alright. And somehow, it always seems like it’s the girlfriend who wants to take the boyfriend to counseling to fix him, and not the other way around.
yeah I think counseling together after 1.5 years and not even engaged is a huge waste of time. like why? there is no reason. separately yes, but couples counseling-waste of $ and time and youth.
I’m super curious who pays the rent.
Something tells me the LW pays the majority, if not all, of the rent.
My money’s on the LW. But, you raise a good point. Does BF work? Is there a phone there? Does he know how to use it to let the LW know where he is? How does he get to and from work and his mom’s house? Does he have a car? Can he write a note? Can he use tape to put it on the door or gravity to leave it on the counter of their place to let the LW know where he is? I mean, really, this is stupid. MOA, LW. Get rid of this guy and make room for someone in your life who, at minimum, does not take off with no word to you for a week at a time and feed you some sketchy story about smoking at his mother’s house.
As I have posted before here:
“People hiding something have something to hide.”
Lol I love when LWs are like “We have a great relationship but we have a terrible relationship”
I think what they mean by “great relationship” is “sometimes, we’ll go to the restaurant and he’ll be so nice and so funny and so charming, and he’ll even pay for me, and then I look at all the single-looking people in the restaurant and think “my boyfriend is definitely the best””.
But then all the other days of the week, the boyfriend is a jerk, he doesn’t work, he does drug, he invites all of his buddy at all times of the night or day, he cheats, he steal money, he never shower… things like that.
But it’s a great relationship ! He’s so funny and charming !
I have to say I disagree. I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy just has major issues and can’t face being in the same space as his relationship. I also wouldn’t be surprised that a girl who is so desperate for the crown jewel of marriage and/ or has such low standards for men in general that she would let this behavior happen more then one time, which makes it ok for the guy, and then he can just go off by himself whenever anything is slightly wrong.
LW, get a grip. This is not ok- none of it, his behavior or yours. Get a grip on your life.
Change the locks and dump all of his stuff on his mommy’s porch.
It sounds like he wants out (I mean this behavior is so shady and not normal), but he doesn’t want to break up with you. So what are you waiting for? Break up with him. He’s had way too many chances. Leaving once without explaining yourself is bad enough, but he’s done it multiple times. He doesn’t care about you in the way you think if he does that. That’s not something I would even do to a roommate.
Ok. Everyone’s hit the “he’s cheating / he’s a drug dealer / he’s an addict” angle, but one more to consider that Wendy mentioned: major medical issues. Assuming his “personal struggles” are legitimate and not some made-up excuse, it could actually be a serious illness that he’s trying to hide from you because he doesn’t know how you’ll react and/or whether you’ll walk away. I agree that you need to talk to him more directly, because there’s obviously SOMETHING going on here, but I think you shouldn’t draw any conclusions until you know what it is. Of course, if he refuses to tell you, that would certainly be grounds to walk away, but that’s up to you I suppose.
Maybe he’s married! Tells his wife he’s away on “business”
So I agree with everything Wendy said, except that I would advise you to immediately MOA. According to his own actions and words, the absolute best scenario here is that he leaves your house, literally at any moment, for days or weeks at a time without any contact. The reason he does this is because he cannot communicate with you about obviously large personal issues (and you apparently have no idea what those issues even are), and he admits that this is a long standing pattern of his. THIS IS YOUR BEST CASE SCENARIO.
Others have covered the other very real possibilities of what he’s actually doing on these little trips. I don’t think it’s worth your time or effort to investigate the lies he’s telling, or hope he’ll do the massive amount of work required to fix this pattern in himself and become a decent, trustworthy partner. Because right now he is nowhere close to a decent, trustworthy partner. Get out now.
When he said you were “The One”, did he follow it up with, “…I want to avoid.”?
With all the ways to communicate: email, text, facebook message, snapchat, instagram, etc., there is no reason why he cannot get in touch with you.
He is either using drugs, cheating on you, or has a whole other family/children he is keeping from you. Or a combination of all of this.
I would lay down the law and tell him if he does it again, it’s over. Or, just go to his mom’s house when he pulls a disappearing act and see whats up.
My all-acronym answer:
FFS, LW. WWS. MOA. DTMFA.
My live in boyfriend does the same w me but bc I feel his brothers do the same w their gfs yes he goes to his mom’s bc his brothers still live there and they are in there 30s what’s sad is we have a 2 yr old daughter who needs and asks for him he thinks I’m overreacting but when he chooses to stay a well at his mom’s instead of helping me hurts… idk what to do I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a broken home please someone help me know what to say or do without attitude. We need him home
Well my boyfriend does this but he tells me before he goes it still hurts me very much I know why he goes over there he relapses for his addiction which I do believe her boyfriend when he speaks upon the cigarettes in being embarrassed men have a high level of ego and if they feel like a certain characteristic will turn a girl off they are not big communicators so they will just go to their mom’s house literally I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years yeah and he goes to his mom’s house for up to 2 weeks at a time yeah I definitely don’t feel like it’s a great relationship any grown woman wants her man to come home at night most man’s definition of not being controlled is not having a curfew they don’t even fathom not coming back to the nest at all.
My baby daddy tells his girl he is at his moms. He is always with me. He doesn’t want to brake her heart or deal with the lease. Pay attention to his actions! If he’s away for the holidays is def a bad sign.