“I’m Tired of Supporting My Boyfriend”
I have told my boyfriend numerous times that he needs to get a better job to provide for his family more, but he always has an excuse (“My job lets me get off in time to get you to work,” and “My job cooperates with my school schedule”) to not get a better-paying job. Is it wrong of me to feel like he is not doing enough for us? He splits the bills with me but can’t buy his family groceries or clothes. Is it wrong that I feel it’s unfair that the extra responsibility is on my shoulders? I know we are partners and you have to support your partner for richer or for poorer, but we are not married yet and I am spending all of my wages supporting my daughter AND him, I feel. Am I just being selfish? I spend $800+ a month, outside of what I spend on bills, on groceries and other miscellaneous things for our household. — Fed Up With Supporting Him
I assume, since your boyfriend is in school, that he has goals for the future that extend beyond working at a job where he makes just $1700 a month. And if the job he has now works around his school schedule AND allows him to to take you to work in your shared car, I think he has a point about it being a good fit for now. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t at least LOOK for a job that would be equally flexible in terms of schedule and also pay more, but I do think it’s unfair of you to demand or expect him to make a certain amount of money or to split the household costs with you 50/50 when you have always known what his income is and it doesn’t seem like his earning potential has likely increased very much in the past several years.
I have several suggestions for you: First, talk to your boyfriend about your shared financial and life goals. When will he finish school? What kind of work does he hope to find then? How much does he anticipate his earning potential increasing once he has a degree? Second, brainstorm together about how either or both of you could develop an additional stream of income. Does either of you have marketable skills? Is your boyfriend handy? Can he offer to fix things for people for money? Can he mow lawns for cash? Do you have things you could sell? Third, cut your expenses. Move to a cheaper home. Change cell phone plans. And whatever “miscellaneous things” and “things of that nature” imply, cut down on them. Find cheaper versions of them. Do more yourself at home. Skip the little luxuries. Barter with people.
The fact is, you and your boyfriend ARE partners. Even if you never get married or you break up, you will always at least be partners in raising your child. And, you know, as long as you love each other and get along and have an otherwise strong relationship, it is so much easier to raise a child together than it is to raise a child apart. Maintaining two households is much more expensive than maintaining one for your whole family (and you ARE a family, whether you’re married or not).
In long-term relationships, the financial, household, and childcare responsibility among two adults can shift and evolve dramatically over many years. Just because you are earning more now doesn’t mean that will always be the case, and supporting your boyfriend, both financially and emotionally, may put you both in a better position to have a higher combined household income eventually–AND a stronger relationship. Right now your time, your money, and your love are investments, and what you are investing in is your relationship, your family, and your future. Call me crazy, but I think that’s worth a few hundred dollars a month. If, in time, you find that the return on your investment isn’t paying off, then by all means MOA. But from what you write in your letter, it seems too early to tell, and the stakes seem too high to give up just yet.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
“Is it wrong of me to feel like he is not doing enough for us? He splits the bills with me but can’t buy his family groceries or clothes.”
I understand how stressful money issues are, but you’re only looking at one way your partner can support your family. There’s so much more than just financial support! I have a few girlfriends who are the bread winners for their families and their husbands stay at home with their kiddos. These guys can’t buy their families groceries or clothes, but they provide a wonderful amount of emotional and practical support. Does your boyfriend support you in other ways? Is he a good father and partner to you? Would you be OK if you made more money than him for the rest of your lives together? It sounds like he’s in school now to improve his employment prospects in the future, and he’s making sure his current work schedule allows him to take into consideration school and your work schedule. Without knowing more details, it sounds like he’s maybe doing the best he can juggling a lot of commitments right now.
Yes. This. If we was blowing his discretionary income on, idk what kind of items men spend extra money on, instead of helping with groceries or picking up something for your daughter, I might be more wary about him. But, LW, you don’t mention that so I’m going to assume he isn’t.
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So, I agree with Wendy and LP. There’s also A LOT to be said for flexible work schedules. Seriously. I don’t even have a child and I appreciate my flexible work schedule, whereas I have friends who have to adhere to a much more stringent work schedule and it sucks.
What DO men spend their extra $ on? They don’t buy purses. What else is there really?
Well, I was going to say beer and video games, but I didn’t want to stereotype. Even though it’s probably true.
I love purses and shoes and clothes and I agree, other than that, I agree. There is nothing else. At all.
LW, I can see your feelings. I feel like a bunch of us go through a quarter life crisis when you really feel the financial burden and then realize you are going to do this forever. These feelings are very, very normal. But if your relationship is going to succeed, you are going to have to get over the ebbs and flows. Think of things as “our money” and not “mine and yours”. Just remember that things will get better as you both develop in your careers.
So you each pay 50% of the bills even though you make substantially more and he’s in school. Wow! I think that’s pretty awesome he’s able/willing to do that.
So he’s got $300 left over, and you’ve got $1,200 left over after paying shared bills but you’re annoyed that he’s busy furthering his education for your shared future and because of that, he can’t also pay half the groceries?! Come on!
Your feelings aren’t “wrong”…but I don’t think you should be using these feelings to pressure your boyfriend into finding a new job right ~now~ ? His “excuses”, like Wendy said, are actually pretty on-point reasons for why a different job might be impractical with his current situation. He’s clearly helping as much as he can–by splitting major expenses with you–so I’d give him a break & remember that this is likely temporary.
This is really great advice, Wendy.
LW, here’s the thing, if your BF is in school and working and contributing what appears to be all of his money to your household, then right now, I think he is doing all he can do. I’m not sure what more you want from him. Or, if this is your only problem together, what you hope to accomplish by breaking up with him. I mean, sure, you could break up and meet a nice, rich guy who will pay for everything, but, probably not, you know? Instead, you’d be paying for your entire life with your one paycheck because even if your BF had to pay you child support, it’s not gonna be everything he makes. So, breaking up because you don’t think his contribution of 100% of his meager salary is enough and you want more money is basically shooting yourself in the foot.
But, more to the point, your situation, though draining on a daily basis, is really not that grim for a couple of reasons. First, your BF is in school. Presumably this is going to enable him to get a better job, which translates into more money sometime relatively soon. Second, your daughter is 2 and in a few years, she will be going to school, which should cut down on child are costs, if you’re paying those. Third, you also have the option of changing jobs to make more money to have more of a cushion so you don’t feel so taxed all the time. Point is, you’re not stuck in this cycle forever. So, instead of throwing out the baby with the bath water and dumping your BF in the hopes of meeting a man who will take care of you (until he decides he doesn’t want to anymore – and there’s a worry that will keep you up all night), why not work with your BF to come up with a plan about how you’re going to improve your financial situation. I think having a firm plan for how your future will be more financially stable may make you feel better than anything else.
LW said:
“I have many more bills to pay such as credit card expenses and my cell phone and things of that nature.”
If it were a student loan, I’d be more sympathetic, but credit cards and cell phone represent your consumption. You have more bills because you’re spending more.
Be patient for another year or two and take a personal finance class with your boyfriend when he has a break from school. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University is a 9-week weekly class that you may find very helpful for improving your financial planning. It’s offered in a lot of areas. I’m sure there are other good classes, but that’s the one I know.
Best wishes!
It doesn’t make sense to me to demand that your boyfriend make more money or take another job because you don’t feel he supports your family enough, but, I think that says a lot about how I was personally raised because I know a lot of women consider their husband/boyfriend’s “provider” ability to be very important. I know you have a kid, but it sounds like this guy is not exactly a slacker (I mean only you really know that, but if he’s in a promising school program and has a flexible schedule that allows him to pick you up from work and care for your child, those are significant things). I guess it just seems like, you shouldn’t get to dictate what his line of work is (within reason) just because you chose to have a kid with him. Presumably, you knew what he did when you got pregnant.
When I first saw this, I thought it would be another letter about some slacker mooch, but it’s not! Hooray! LW, it sounds like your BF is paying the bills to the best of his ability and is a supportive partner. There are many ways to “support” someone. Let’s take a look at what might happen if he quits the flexible but lower-paying job to meet your income demands. If he has to quit school to work more hours, will that be better for your and your child’s future? What if he gets a new job and now he’s working 7 am-7 pm and you have to get another car? Is that a net positive? What if the new job has minimal personal leave and he has no days banked and now you are doing all emergency childcare? Is it still worth it to you, financially?
Maybe it would reduce some tension to begin reframing this. Partners support each other in different ways, at different times, through life. Please think about ALL the ways your BF does — or maybe does not — support you, emotionally, intellectually, at home, parenting your daughter, and don’t solely focus on the financial. Relationships require big picture thinking.
You either aren’t that committed to this guy or you are uncomfortable being a female breadwinner. Either way get over it. You made a baby with this guy, you owe it to your daughter to get over your issues (and they are your issues) with this man going to school and working and still splitting half the bills with you. He sounds like a stand up guy. That is a lot of work, how would you feel if he was telling you that you weren’t working hard enough? If this was your friend but instead she was making less and going to school and her boyfriend suddenly started demanding that she start making more money, what would you say to her? That shouldn’t change because of the genders.
“My job lets me get off in time to get you to work,” and “My job cooperates with my school schedule”
Hmmm, these seem like pretty valid reasons to not change employment. It can be hard to find a job to work with school schedules and partners working schedules (and I assume childcare schedules!). I’d chill until he is done school and then have a talk about a more high paying job. (Which, having a high paying job isn’t everything. So I don’t fault your BF for not making that a priority, since it sounds like your basic needs are being met.)
I’ll even throw this out there: if I were your boyfriend, I would even suggest splitting things not half -way, but proportionally to the income. That would be the ”fairest” way, in my opinion.
Wendy’s right about the shift in relationships. When I was dating my husband and for the first part of our marriage, I paid for pretty much everything. Then as my salary maxed out and his career took off, he became the primary breadwinner. It’s a journey. But more importantly, this tit for tat attitude doesn’t bode well for your relationship. Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. (I’ve heard that many times and it’s true).
Let’s say your boyfriend agrees to get a higher-paying job. What salary would you be comfortable him making? Is that realistic with his current skills and education level? How much time is he allowed to spend job hunting on top of his current job and schooling responsibilities before you get upset that he’s ignoring you and your daughter? Is he supposed to quit school for this job? Because if so, his salary requirements just went up to offset the loss of future income that education would get him. Finding a well-paying job is not as easy as you make it sound.
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I think you’re undervaluing your boyfriend’s job because you’re only focusing on the salary. His “excuses” are actually perfectly valid reasons to stay in a job. Having a flexible work schedule is worth a lot of value to some people, and it sounds like your boyfriend is one of them. He values being able to get you to work and to be in school (which I assume he’s doing so that he can get a higher-paying job at some point) more than a couple hundred extra dollars a month.
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If he’s splitting all the bills he can with you and not blowing his money irresponsibly, then maybe you need to consider the fact that you’re living outside your means. Think about what expenses you have that you really need, and what you can live without. And try to be a bit more realistic about your situation. It honestly sounds like you just wish you had more fun money, not that you’re unable to make ends meet. Sorry, but almost every adult I know (especially those with young children) wishes that, but the rest of us manage to live off our budgets and find ways to save for whatever luxuries we really want. So find a budget that works for your family, and then stick to it.
Oh honey, you are so mistaken if you think that finances need to be a 50/50 split. You seem to imply that your partner isn’t enough because he doesn’t make enough money to suit you.
He’s in school. He needs flexibility. Especially if the two of you share a vehicle. Wendy is right when she says you need to cut down on expenses. Get rid of the credit card, don’t eat out, buy generic, etc. Eventually, your boyfriend/father of your child will be out of school and capable of working a more standardized job in order to make more money.
I supported my SO through school when we first got together. I have always made more money than he has. When he couldn’t find a job in his chosen career field, I supported his decisions to work other jobs, even if they didn’t make much money. Why? Because any money is better than no money. Yes, we have kids, but that doesn’t mean that just because he has a penis that he has to make more than me and support us financially. He contributes around the house. He cleans, has learned to cook more than macaroni and cheese, and takes care of the kids when I’m not home. To me, that is valuable because it frees me up a bit.
LW, stop thinking that money is the only thing your boyfriend contributes. Look at the other things he provides. A loving father, loving boyfriend, household duties, and SOME money in order to help pay for things, yes. But, with schooling he is also giving you the chance for better money down the road.
And if you are still struggling after cutting back on things, look into food stamps or low income housing.
I’m getting so much “me me me” from this letter, which I think is a major factor in why a lot of relationships fail. Actually, I did read an article on that a few moths back.
You made a choice to move in with this man, share your life with him & even procreate with him. From what you’ve stated, by no means does it sound like he is sitting on his ass expecting you to foot the bill for everything. His reasons for staying at that job seem very legit for where you both are in life right now, esp if you’re sharing a car! At least in the city I live in, that is a top priority in being able to have a job- having a car.
Instead of sulking & complaining about all the expenses you have, do WWS, *talk* with your bf, your partner, the father of your child! Find out where to cut expenses & make plans for short term & long term goals.
I think everything I want to say has been said but yeah, here is my take. If you are in a true partnership, you have to stop thinking mine and yours in such a black and white way. In my household, we think about how much money is coming in and how much is going out. We don’t actually share a checking account but we do approach our income and expenses collectively. I dramatically outearn my husband because he has a small self-employed business. He loves what he does and is building great experience. It doesn’t bring in a ton of money but we have enough with it. More importantly, to me, he truly runs our household. His job is flexible so he takes care of lawn, groceries, cooking, etc. And when our child is born this Fall, he will be a stay-at-home dad. It may not be traditional but it works so beautifully for us and I feel SO grateful that we are both pursuing careers that we love while earning enough money to pay our bills and run our household. If you were to look at our situation from a 50/50 model, you’d think a horrible injustice was being done to me. In reality, I’m spoiled. I come home to a clean house, a warm dinner, and a happy husband.
Anyway, that’s just my story but its one example of many where 50/50 just isn’t necessary.
Oh and to echo someone else’s point above– it wasn’t always this way nor do I expect it to stay this way. When we first dated, he had a corporate job and I was barely making ends meet. He helped me out a lot at that time.
In the 25 years i’ve been with my wife, I have been able to earn more than her and pay a higher share of the expenses for 5 of those years, maybe closer to 4. We have the same education, but she has a broader work experience. We’re both doing fine now, but she has recently gotten ahead of me again, salary-wise. It’s just the price I (don’t) pay for being married to an awesome modern woman. Our rule has always been that everyone makes 100% effort and earns what they can. Then, WE pay OUR bills. Most of the time, her discretionary spending is higher than mine, but that’s just because she likes stuff more than I do. But i got the first new car we ever owned. The only ignoble thought either of us has ever had about differing salaries is that she thinks i should earn tons of money so she can be a kept woman, and I think she should earn tons of money so I can be a kept man. No luck so far for either of us.
I agree with what Wendy and others have said. I get the impression that the LW thinks her boyfriend is just making excuses and being lazy, but flexibility is a big deal, so I think it’s valid. However, the fact that he shoots down the idea is slightly problematic to me, because I think that it’s important to “shop around.” It’s possible there are jobs that are flexible and pay more, and maybe those are rare, but you never know until you look.
But in the end, I guess I’m confused about what the specific issue is. Partners do share the load, but the chances of both people contributing completely equally are very slim. Maybe I’m wrong, but the tone of letter was one that she maybe feels like the guy should shoulder more?
The other thing that stood out to me was the phrasing of some of the expenses. “Credit cards” do not cost anything. It’s what you pay for on them. Maybe it’s semantics, but it bugs me when people list their credit card as a cost in their life because it’s not. I’d also suggest looking at reducing your expenses if possible. Maybe they are reduced as much as possible, but when two people are both working hard and still struggling financially, it’ hard to do much except for cut corners where you can.
I agree with many posters that the LW seems resentful of being the woman in a woman breadwinner household. If you love this guy, then that’s something you need to get over; what if he never makes enough to be the breadwinner? Plenty of households thrive with a female breadwinner and yours certainly makes enough money to survive, which is something that plenty of households cannot say right now. If your concern is that you want to come from a wealthier family overall with more disposable income, then you need to discuss that with your boyfriend. Maybe you two have different opinions of the lifestyle you want. I’ll admit that I like a certain level of income; not that I wouldn’t be able to survive on less, but I’m happier being able to afford a 2-car household, eating out once a week, cable TV, etc. What that means is that I’m willing to work hard and long in order to make that extra money to pay for this (and am lucky enough that I found a job which allows me to afford it). Maybe for your boyfriend, he would rather work less/easier even if it means he can’t afford everything he wants– not everyone thinks a cable bill and a second car is necessary to a happy life. It’s possible that you two are just on different pages about the lifestyle you want. If that’s the case, then you’ll need to reach a compromise. Only you know what that compromise would be.
Also consider switching it up a bit in terms of how you pay for things… I know that many of my baseline bills are taken out of my account automatically and I don’t really think about them. Maybe if you shared more of the day-to-day load and paid more of the recurring bills it would help you think about it differently . I know that if I had to hand my husband $40 before I sent him to the grocery or if I couldn’t have him swing by the store on the way home because he didn’t have any money or if I always was paying for dinner out, compared to just paying $80 more to our rent every month and leaving that $80 in his account for incidentals.
I can’t get over how sexist this LW comes off. If she were a man with this exact same set of complaints, can you imagine how that would go over? LW, drag yourself into the 21st century. You make more than the father of your child. That doesn’t mean he’s a failure, or lazy, or making excuses. In fact, if he’s working and in school, he’s certainly not lazy; and his flexible schedule is probably a lot of what’s keeping your household running. Stop acting like the boss of him and start acting like a team player.
I’m so glad you waited and had a child only when you could truly afford it. I am also glad you aren’t shackled to pointless sexist stereotypes or at all selfish and whiney.
My sense is that LW and boyfriend casually went into parenthood, as in she got pregnant without any planning or foresight. For instance, was it LW’s thought that boyfriend was the man she wanted to be with for the rest of her life? Were they committed to each other before bringing a child into the picture. Now she feels stressed as a result of that lack of forethought. I agree with the boyfriend as to her discounting him going to school and being able to take her to work. That leads me to believe boyfriend has a plan for the future. Things may be understandably tight because of that.
I’m going to post this before i read what Wendy said…
I think if you’re looking for fairness, then you should do a weighted average distribution for your bills. That way 90% of his money isn’t going to shared bills and he can afford his own car.
It’s not equitable to expect him to spend more of his check on shared bills and you comparably less.
For example, your car payment is a percent of your salary and a larger percent of his. How is that equitable? Plus, it’s your car in your name. . .
Should he be making more money? Maybe, but a fair distribution of bills isn’t what you picture. The value of a dollar is different for you than him.
Nobody has acknowledged that it’s solely her car. His job gets him home in time to get her to work, meaning what? They drive each other to drop off and pick up? What a hassle. And they’re taking turns with the kid so they don’t have childcare expenses? There goes the light at the end of the tunnel for that one. Having said that, it’s rough but doable for a few more years until Dad is out of school and Kid is in school. At least I hope Dad will be out of school!