It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I met a guy about six months ago and we really hit it off. We have been casually dating since day one but don’t have a real relationship. About a week ago he told me that he’s been seeing someone else and feels that I deserve more than what we have, like a title, a real relationship, etc. He has slept with the other woman, but he has never slept with me. He told her about me, too, and that he really cares about me, and then, according to him, she freaked out. A few days ago it was his birthday and she told him she was nine weeks pregnant. I told him that, unless he tells me to stay away, I’ll still be here and he just has to decide whether he wants to see me or not, to which he said he liked that I’d still be around and that he wants to continue seeing me. Could this girl be lying about a pregnancy since she found out about me? And am I doing the right thing by sticking around? I know it’s only been a few months, but I love him too much to let him go. Please help! — Sticking Around
Oh, honey. Get a back bone and move on already! This guy is telling you he isn’t going to give you a “title” or a “relationship” and that he is sleeping with another woman (who, she says, is pregnant by him!). He told you you deserve more than that; believe him and MOA.
My husband ruins my chance of making female friends. When we are both together and I meet a female, and as soon as I introduce myself to her, he takes over the talking and the females always shift the attention to him. I wish I could just tell him to shut up straight away! By the time I struggle to talk to them or join in the conversation, I end up appearing jealous and angry. Most often, I excuse myself from the scene, he ends up wrapping up the conversation, and I watch him exchange contact with a female whom we just met when I feel he should have left me to sort that out! We don’t have any family friends and our social life is zero. How can I solve this? — Leave the Female Friends to Me
Step away from your husband and start doing things on your own. Here are some tips on making friends as an adult. Another tip: keep new acquaintances away from your husband until you’ve had a chance to establish a friendship and they’ve gotten to know you as an individual instead of just as your husband’s wife.
My ex and I broke up because we didn’t want the same things from the relationship. We stay in contact and he supports me financially as before. Since our break up, he calls way more than he used to and we haven’t had an argument since. Our conversations and family time are really fun. He spent two nights at my house and didn’t ask about sex, not that I would have given in if he did. He answers most of my texts within a minute, usually apologizes if he doesn’t respond right away, and tells me his whereabouts and important happenings in his life. He’s being nicer and more considerate than when we were together. He has said that he never has and never will chase any of his exes even if he still wanted to be with them, so I don’t think he wants to get me back. Why is he doing this? I just can’t understand. — Liking It This Way
Because your breakup has set him free! Without the pressure and anxiety of dealing with a relationship that isn’t working, he has all kinds of mental space to devote to being a good father and respectful co-parent. In an effort to keep things stable, I’d suggest you stop relying on your ex for financial support (other than child support), and give him the same respect and kindness he is giving you.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: Wait…what? You’ll just be hanging around waiting to see if he decides to see you? How nice of you to volunteer to be his beck-and-call girl. This isn’t love. This isn’t even close to approaching love.
LW2: WWS. Take some time to get to know them before introducing prospective friends to your husband. That way, even if he does take charge of the conversation, they’ll eventually bring it back to you!
LW3: Yeah, stop relying on him for financial support. But other than that – enjoy the fact that he’s being a good dad (and co-parent) – that isn’t always the case!
LW1 – That just made me sad for you. No you aren’t doing the right thing by sticking around. I’m not even sure what you are so intent on sticking around for? It isn’t a relationship, it isn’t a FWB situation, hell I don’t see any benefit to you. He is having relationships with other women and just using you to get an ego boost and an attention fix whenever he feels like it. A decent man would no treat you like this and even a half decent man would have cut ties with you and not said he likes that you are sticking around like a lost puppy. Speaking of lost puppy – get a dog. The dog at least will actually love you and will deserve some of that attention you have to give.
LW2- why can’t you tell him to shut up in advance? Tell him you are trying to make female friends so if he sees you talking to one wait until you bring him over for the introduction instead of hijacking the conversation.
LW3 – how nice for your kids that family time is fun now. He sounds like a great co-parent. And that is what he is now. And that is it. Also, you should always the means to support yourself and your kids…if for no other reason than in case anything happens to him.
LW1- seriously! what is six months of “casual dating” with no sex? That just sounds like friends to me.
Maybe Lw1 should hand out with Lw2?
hang out (oops)
LW 1 made me really sad too…like she believes he is some kind of relationship martyr or something, for informing her and the woman he is sleeping with about each other. Boo. Wendy is right, MOAY (Move On Already Yesterday)!!!!
LW1: I’m sorry, this is going to sound harsh ….you may love him, but he doesn’t love you. That’s what he was trying to tell you, but he was too caught up in being nice and not hurting you to say it clearly. That ‘you deserve more’ speech means ‘you deserve more than I’m willing to give you’. It means ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship with you’.
You say you won’t go away, he says he’ll keep seeing you….he says that because he doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy and say ‘yes, it would be better if you went away’. You may continue to get together from time to time, but that will fade away.
He has a girlfriend. It’s the girl he’s sleeping with. I’m sorry.
WWS all the way around. And LW1, aim higher. Much, much higher.
The second letter confused me. It sounds like her husband is getting contact info from these women? Um, why? And why does she sound jealous and angry when she rejoins the conversation? I think there’s something I’m not getting here.
Question – when I read the third letter, I didn’t get the automatic impression that she had kids with him. Did I miss something? When my husband and I just hang out at home, we call it family time. We don’t have kids.
But would you still call it that if you were broken up?
Oh! Did not think of that. Excellent point. In that case, it’s awfully strange that she wouldn’t emphasize that there are kids involved, but I think you’re right.