“It’s Been Two Years and I Still Haven’t Met His Kids”
He has two girls (aged 16 and 11) whom he gets every second week, so we work on a week on-week off schedule. I stay at his place most nights during his week off with girls. I do have my own place and it is about two minutes from his place so that works out quite well. My 20-year-old son still lives with me.
I don’t want to give him an ultimatum but I am sad that his kids don’t know about me. I was OK with not meeting kids at first and letting them be involved in deciding when they are ready to meet me, but I am now really needing to be validated in this relationship and at least be a name of someone that they know is important to their father. I have mentioned this to him, he is very aware, but he is so afraid to tell them he is seeing me in fear it will change their relationship with him. Their mom has a boyfriend and started seeing him early on and the girls were not so thrilled, mostly the eldest.
I am getting frustrated. I don’t want to be the dirty little secret anymore. I think two years is long enough. Do you have advice? — Ms. Unvalidated
While after two years of dating, the length of your relationship certainly justifies meeting his kids, there are a couple of others points that seem a little iffy and need some clarification before you move forward.
First, Hank isn’t divorced yet. It’s been three years since he’s separated from his wife and he still hasn’t divorced her. That’s a red flag, don’t you think? Even if the reasons they remain married aren’t emotional in the least, surely you can understand how it could be potentially confusing to, say, an 11-year-old (and a 16-year-old, for that matter) knowing that his or her parents are still legally married but seriously involved with other people.
And maybe the reasons Hank hasn’t gotten a divorce yet are emotional. Is there still a chance he and his wife will reconcile? Are they still in the “trying to figure it out” stage? Is your relationship with him a stepping stone to a reconciliation … or a stepping stone to something else? And what would that “something else” entail? Are you part of the “something else”?
That takes us to the next issue, which is: just what IS the goal of this relationship? You say you love each other and spend tons of time together, but do you ever talk about the future? Do you talk about growing old together? Do you talk about living together and marriage and everything else that comes when you merge two lives together? If you haven’t, you may be in for a rude awakening.
It may be that while Hank very much DOES love you and does enjoy his time with you, his intentions with this relationship are different from yours. If he sees an end date at some point in the not-too-distant future — and certainly if he’s still considering a reconciliation with his wife — there isn’t much of a point in introducing you to his kids and dealing with the emotional repercussions of that introduction.
I would not recommend issuing Hank an “ultimatum” as you say, but I absolutely would suggest having some serious discussions about the state of your relationship, where you stand with him, and most importantly, where he sees you in his future (and whether he sees you as part of it at all). You also need to find out when he plans to finalize his divorce.
After two years together, if Hank can’t give you some solid answers to these questions, it may be time for you to decide whether this is a relationship you want to keep investing time and energy in. And if he CAN answer you and does see a future with you, you need to decide how long you’re willing to wait for the next stage of your relationship to begin.
Pick a point in the future when you know in your heart of hearts if you haven’t met his kids yet and he hasn’t taken some steps to divorcing his wife, then he isn’t in this relationship as whole-heartedly as you need him to be. He doesn’t have to know what that date is. It’s better if he doesn’t. But pick a date to keep in your head and if things haven’t changed by then, you’ll know where you stand and what you need to do.
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The only thing I could think to add was that the man appears quite happy and satisfied with the status quo and may well be willing to have it continue indefinitely.
The question for the LW is if she is.
I think Wendy is putting too much weight on the fact that Hank and his wife are not yet divorced. It’s quite common for couples to stay technically married for a lengthy period after separating, often for financial reasons.
It IS a red flag though, that the LW did not mention if she has spoken to Hank about the future. At their age, you think after two years together it would have moved past the “dating” phase, or at least have been talked about.
I completely agree with the advice Wendy gives in the end (having a “state of the relationship” talk with him).
However, I don’t really see any grounds for thinking the LW’s bf may reconcile with his ex-wife. Wouldn’t the LW have mentioned that if that were a possible concern? The bf not being divorced yet doesn’t seem like a red flag to me. In fact, my own parents divorced only years after they separated. I was a teenager at the time, got to know my mother’s new partner and I was never confused about my parents not being divorced yet (there were legal reasons). I just took my parents’ explanations for this at face value, and I guess most kids/teens would.
Also, it seems that the only people who don’t know about the LW’s relationship with her bf are his kids, so he’s not generally keeping her a “dirty little secret” (which would be an indication of not seeing a long term future). It could very well be that the bf is just particularly hung up about telling his kids because they already reacted badly to the ex’s new bf.
Nevertheless, I think the LW should stand her ground and make it clear to her bf that and why it’s important to her that his daughters hear of her existence. I somewhat disagree with silently setting an “exit date” in your head. I think it’s smarter to just say what you want at the risk of being rejected right now rather than waiting around for a positive development till “X day” and then suddenly taking the exit door. It’s fairer to the guy because he then knows what his options are and it may save the LW a few heartbreaking months.
i think that this has much more to do with the fact that the kids reacted so terribly to the ex-wife when she introduced a new boyfriend then anything… they probably vented to him, too, which makes it worse. he doesnt want them to say/think what they said and thought about their mom about you and his relationship, no matter how stable and nice and gently you two introduce it… he probably knows that it will end up being a disaster. whether it will be or not be, i dunno, but that is probably how he is seeing it- black and white like that.
i agree that this needs to be an overall conversation about the whole status of your relationship and even his- what are his plans for divorcing his wife? why havent they yet? what are the plans for the two of you? at what time and in what manner are you going to introduce your relationship to them? ect…
In my part of the world, you have to settle the property within a year of the divorce, which entails selling anything you’ve agreed to split. Lots of people sit tight until they can make a profit on the assets instead of taking a loss.
The boyfriend sounds like the kind of person who doesn’t like to “deal” with messy real life. It’s a drag to go through all the hoops to get a divorce. It would be challenging to introduce the girls to his new partner and work through the emotions. It would be even more difficult to forge a new family paradigm if he and the LW were to move in together or get married. It would be hard work to do all that – and it doesn’t sound like this guy is up for it.
You do need to talk about this with him, LW, and watch if he follows through on any agreements you come to. At the end of the day, if he chooses the path of least resistance and greatest comfort to himself at your expense, you would be wasting your time.
It took me like 3 years to finally get divorced, no kids involved, because i was lazy :p however, during that time, the then bf and I were completely open with our families. there were no secrets. when i had hit my limit for ‘hiding’ and being a secret from his ex-wife that he had kids with, i just said hey, i feel like you’re keeping me a secret, and i dont feel comfortable with it. at that point i had met his kids, but he hadn’t told his ex wife, and i was not comfy with that. if it was me, i’d blow a gasket if someone was letting my kids hang out with a ‘stranger’. my then bf was very understanding, and it was ‘fixed’ within the next week or so. these were younger kids, it should be easier with older ones – though they may be more vocal about it.
you definitely need to stand your ground. he needs to at least tell them about you. there will be upsets all around, but that’s just the way it is with kids involved. hopefully all of the adults can handle it.
So I don’t think that him not being divorced from his wife yet is a sign of anything, mostly because its really expensive to go through with a divorce. I know people who wait longer than the LW’s boyfriend is to divorce just because they can’t afford it yet. Also seeing as they’ve still got relatively young kids it makes sense that wouldn’t want to spend money on that when they could be spending it on the 16 yr old’s college funds in a year or two.
That being said I do have a sneaky theory about the whole thing. You said that the mom has already introduced her boyfriend to the kids and it didn’t go over well. Maybe the LW’s boyfriend likes being the “good parent” and doesn’t want to spoil the favoritism he gets by also introducing someone to his kids. It sounds petty, but almost everybody gets petty in a divorce. Also, him getting every other week instead of every other weekend (the staple of the divorce kid’s schedule in the 2000’s) means that he is very close with them. Its a good thing, but it also means it’ll probably take a lot to shake up the routine he’s worked so hard with them for.
So being a rebellious teenager in the middle of the two ages of the LW’s boyfriends when her parents separated, I’ll say that I would have freaked out way more if I found out my dad was seeing someone secretly for two years than if he introduced them to us. Yeah, kids don’t want to know and chose to live in denial about that stuff, but the longer this guy waits, the longer its gonna take his kids to get used to him having a girlfriend. Also, he’s going to just have to get over that it sucks for awhile. They wont like it, they’ll be worried he’s going to change or their life will change and that will scare them.
But, if their dad tries his best to always make them his priority and not change his actions and behavior (especially around you) towards them, they’ll get over it in time. If you bring out a happy and content version of him, they will notice and eventually over time, they’ll come to appreciate the addition. However, if he is as close to these kids as he sounds, he might be keeping you from meeting them to protect your relationship as much as he’s trying to protect his with them. Ask yourself knowing him, if his girls told him that they didn’t like me, would he break up with me for that? If you don’t know, ask him.
Another thing and then I’ll stop I swear: are you ready to be a person who deserves to be in these kids’ lives? You talk about him being ready or not ready, but are you? The thing you HAVE to understand, more than anything, is that you will never be a priority above his love for his girls, nor should you be. His kids will always come first in his heart, and you need to be ok with that. Be honest with yourself and really see if you could ever get jealous of the attention he gives them. If you could see yourself getting that way, then you aren’t ready.
I completely agree with your “good parent” idea. That is exactly what I thought when I read this. But the kids are going to be even more hurt to know the dad has hidden and GF for two years then they would be if he was forth coming with the relationship.
yes- being the “good parent” is exactly what i was trying to say above
I do think that many people don’t know how to handle divorces, so I don’t think that this kind of stuff is always a major red flag. I mean, my dad introduced his girlfriend to me as his “friend” and then shortly after told me that they were “talking about marriage.” Then, a week later, my relatives were asking to see her ring. He’s clearly devoted to her, but he’s really awkward about stuff like that. And no one ever really teaches you growing up how to handle being divorced.
Anyway, Wendy’s right, though. You should talk about your future with him, including meeting his daughters. Let him know your expectations clearly so that he can make a decision on where to go from there. Don’t feel like you’re being demanding or needy. This is an important issue for you, and if he really is in it for the long haul, he’d want to know how to keep you.
Hmmm. Well my husband and I were separated for a year and half. And even though I went out (and he did too) and met other men, I knew in my heart that we would end up together. Never once did I think about filling for divorce.
Have an honest talk with him, don’t set yourself up for a heart ache.
“He has two girls (aged 16 and 11) whom he gets every second week, so we work on a week on-week off schedule. I stay at his place most nights during his week off with girls.”
This struck me as strange. The LW is virtually living at her boyfriend’s place, and yet his 16 year old daughter doesn’t notice any evidence that there’s a woman living in her father’s home when she’s not around? No dresses in the closet, no tampons in the bathroom cabinet, no diet colas or fancy teas in the kitchen? Is all evidence of the LW eradicated in a purge before the children visit?
There’s something odd going on here. The serious relationship talk between the two of them is long overdue.
You know, his kids are teenagers. They aren’t looking for a new mommy. I say why not enjoy what you have? Trying to get everyone to be one big happy family may be too difficult and complicated right now for various reasons. Are you really looking to get married again? If anything ever happened to my husband, I would put my kids first and any relationship would have to work around them. I don’t think I would be looking for a new daddy for the kids… and I think it is smart of him to compartmentalize things for now. True you need to have the talk about where you both see this going, but I also see no need to rush introductions.
$20 says the kids know… maybe not the younger one, but I don’t see Dad getting this over on the 16 year old for the past 2 years no matter how good he thinks he is 😉
There are so many reasons not to get the kids involved “too soon,” from wanting to be the “good parent” to fearing it may traumatize them to shying away from the message it could send the significant other, and a million other things. These reasons all come from a good place, even if two years down the road, they create a muddy situation.
I think Wendy is right about focusing on the larger point, which is – what kind of a relationship is this going to be? If it’s not something that will lead to another marriage, I can see not getting the kids involved. But that needs to be clarified. And if it is a serious relationship in the man’s eyes, then she does deserve the validation that comes from being a legimitate, recognized part of Dad’s life.
My dad was working on his fourth marriage when he died, and I have to say, I met some people I absolutely shouldn’t have met, including his last affair partner. I appreciate parents who keep their private lives to themselves until a decision about seriousness has been made. However, it looks like it’s time to start making that decision.
I guess I’m old fashioned but I wouldn’t date a man that was still legally married
I was in the exact same situation . We were together for 2.5 years. We met each other when we were very recently separated. He only met my oldest child and didn’t want to meet my younger two . I met his friends one time a month in and his brother and sister in law. He met everyone in my family . We had a great relationship , never argued , had great chemistry and were very much in love. It became too much for me . His kids were older 18 and 21 when we split up . He also wasn’t divorced but honestly that part didn’t bother me. I knew how he felt about his ex and they never even spoke really. It was me not SEUNG able to come out with his friends, go on trips with him and his friend group because his reason was his close friend group was very tight knit and his friends kids were friends with his kids and he didn’t want them knowing. I left after 2.5 years as this wasn’t for me anymore . Then I met someone who wanted to introduce me to his family and friends and kids a few months later . Now we live together and things are great and I have no regrets .
Why would you sleep with a man not divorced that has not given you any hint of a future? You are too old to be in denial about being a person he just sleeps with. Wake up and smell the coffee lady. Walk away.
I seriously doubt he or his wife ever filed for divorce. It’s pretty easy to separate and leave things hanging. That kind of person is not attractive, IMO.