“His Friends Bore Me to Death. Should I Move Away?”
I don’t want to sound mean here. They are a very nice group of people. I don’t feel any negative feelings towards them. They are just really boring, aside from my boyfriend, who is generally the life of the party. And they insist on spending every holiday, birthday, etc., together. There is generally next to no conversation, laughter, or jokes at these gatherings. Everyone agrees with each other, and there are no debates, and the topics of conversation are generally about TV or video games.
I don’t get why my boyfriend feels like he belongs with these people, but the fact is that he does, and he desperately wants me to be part of the group. I’ve tried to belong, to engage with them, to add new topics of conversation, to try to find a common link that we can all share, but it just isn’t there. More and more I dread these “parties,” and I have found myself faking sick or pretending I have other things to do. My boyfriend says that I need to be friends with his friends, but I just can’t tolerate the boredom any longer.
I want to try to make some new friends together, but he works very long hours and says that he doesn’t have time for this. I figure that life is way too short to spend so much time not enjoying the people around you. I feel selfish, but I just can’t imagine spending — wasting — all this time with these people in the years to come.
My question is what would you do, if you really hated spending time with your boyfriend’s friends? I know it sounds crazy, but I am seriously considering moving just to get away from them, so that we could have the time to make new friends and have a normal social life. I love him very much, but I feel that my only options to avoid these people are to move or break-up. Is that crazy? — Bored to Death
If in three years together your only problem is that you think his friends are boring, maybe things aren’t really so bad. Your boyfriend could have friends who treat you like shit. He could have a lot of untreated mental illness in his family. You could be different races and he could have bigots for relatives. There are so many ways that the people in your partner’s life could make things unbearable for you, and if the worst you have to deal with is some boring conversations about video games, I’m not sure that’s worth uprooting your life or ending your relationship.
You asked what I would do, and here it is: If I truly, truly loved my significant other and the only issue we had is that I found his friends boring and he expected me to hang out with them on holidays and special occasions, I’d — get this — suck it up and hang out with them on holidays and special occasions. Maybe not every single one — shouldn’t you be spending some holidays with your family and friends? — and probably not every single weekend, but definitely some of them. Being around boring people for a few hours isn’t the end of the world. And out of all the sacrifices and compromises people in relationships make for each other, this one is pretty low on the hardship scale.
You say that life is “way too short to spend so much time not enjoying the people around you,” and while, sure, that sounds like a great philosophy, it isn’t realistic for most of us. Most of us have that one annoying co-worker who grates our nerves, or a family member who exhausts us, or even true-blue friends who have periods of being super needy or annoying. But most of us, though perhaps inconvenienced, deal with it because that’s what adults who want to keep their jobs and maintain functional relationships do. Because the benefits outweigh the inconvenience. In your case, the benefit of keeping your boyfriend happy and maintaining a relationship that you say is otherwise perfect, outweighs suffering through a few boring parties.
As for making new friends, I don’t understand why you have to make friends “as a couple.” If your boyfriend “doesn’t have time” to make other friends, why can’t you just make new friends on your own? You don’t have to do everything as a couple. You don’t have to share an identical social life. And maybe by modeling for him how you can go out and have fun with your own friends by yourself, he can better appreciate spending time with his friends by himself.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
You could always pick up an alcohol problem to make these events tolerable. Friends come and go but booze will always be there for you.
This is a great opportunity to make friends of your own. There’s nothing worse than a couple who has to do everything together. They are the worst!
i think you need to read wendy’s last paragraph a few extra times.
where is your own life in this picture? where are your own friends? your own family? what do you do on your own holidays/birthdays?
i promise, his boring friends who you only have spend… what, 10 days with a year, probably?… will not seem such a burden on your life if you actually *had* your own life.
LW – I would start inviting your friends to the parties. Maybe if you add people who you enjoy spending your time with, you will stop ‘dreading’ the hangouts. After all, it is not your BF or his friends job to be your entertainment and make you happy, it is up to you. GL
P.S. Weaning your BF away from friends he has been close to for far longer than you relationship is a shitty move. Unless they are verbally or physically abusive towards you, there is no reason to start making ultimatums (i.e. that moving)
I agree that she should bring friends to these parties. I always bring my girlfriends along to parties/get togethers and I really like my boyfriend’s friends. It’s a chance for my friends to expand their social circle and bringing new people in mixes things up.
In my experience, most people are actually quite interesting if you make the effort to get to know them. Honestly, it sounds like you’re not making much of an effort. All your complaints basically boil down to: I’m bored because his friends are not making an effort to entertain ME. You’re making this about yourself. If you want to get to know somebody, you have to make the conversation about THEM. Their interests, their job, their family, their stories. If you can get a person to talk about something they are passionate about, I promise the conversation will get a whole lot more interesting.
However, I am with you on one point. You shouldn’t have to spend every holiday/birthday/special occasion with these people. That’s definitely overkill. Your BF should be willing to go to some of these get-togethers by himself sometimes. And sometimes you two should celebrate the holidays in a way that’s fun for both of you, not just him. If you tell him that you’re going to make more of an effort to befriend his friends, I bet he’d be willing to be more flexible with your holiday/special occasion plans.
LW, join Mensa, I’m sure you’ll find lots of intelligent people there to talk to.
I love the “still very much in love”. Why add the still? I´ve been with my husband for 10 years and, i fI were given to say something lame, would saw we are very much in love. Not still.
Semantics aside, Lw go and make some of your own friends. Also, some of Arturos friends arent exactly my BFFs, but I know they´re close, so I suck it up. And you know what? I usually end up having a great time, even if some things bug me.
How about finding interesting things to do with the boring friends, like maybe plan a ski trip or something? Or whatever you think might provide some common ground to go forward with these people.
I am confused about how much time you’re actually spending with these people. You mention birthdays and holidays, which don’t happen more than, say, once a month. That gives you 3 weekends a month you should be spending with your friends or just doing things together. Are you? Or is your only social interaction with his friends? If he’s too busy to make new friends, you definitely need to do that on your own. You don’t have to *only* hang out with his friends.
Try to make some new friends of your own. Maybe they’ll have a husband or boyfriend you can introduce to your boyfriend a little down the line.
I have a couple of great friends who are sort of boring sometimes but they were there for me when my grandmother got cancer, when I was in the hospital, and my cat was diagnosed with kidney failure. And then there are the “friends” who are the life of the party, joke and laugh with me, and always have something interesting to say, but they were no where to be found during the hard times hit.
LW, just because you find someone to be boring doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good friend to your SO. You shouldn’t judge them so hard just because you think they are “boring.” I bet your SO doesn’t think they are boring and they may even have helped him out during hard times. Do what Wendy suggests and just suck it up.
But if you really just can’t get over it, do what IWTTS said and booze at the get togethers.
Your only way to deal with your boyfriend’s boring friends is to move or break up? Or – I dunno – maybe compromise. Not all holidays are spent with them, he has boys nights, you guys meet up for drinks with his friends and meet up with your friends at dinner, host a party and invite your friends too and have a bigger group of friends you hang out with on the regular. Have a games night or a football party or whatever. There is no way a group of friends getting together just means everyone staring blankly at each other. Or maybe open your mind a little to see the value in the people that your boyfriend loves. I find it hard to believe that EVERYONE is boring. NO ONE has any interesting hobbies or jobs or lives. No one thinks the latest someecard is hilarious? There is no way. I think what is more likely is that they have picked up on your contempt and might not have all that much to say to you. It’s interesting your version of a solution is moving so that you free up time to make new friends with your boyfriend. So – I don’t like your friends so let us uproot our lives so I can take you away from them? Manipulating and controlling your boyfriend into doing what you want to do when he has already told you he wants to stick with these people is…well it’s manipulating and controlling. Is that who you want to be? Is that how you would want him to treat you? No? Then conduct yourself accordingly.
I get that hanging out with people you don’t like sucks. And you say you’ve made an effort, but have you really made an effort? Because when I get frustrated with something or someone and I say well I tried to make it better, that’s not always true. Sometimes I have to step back and tell myself I have to actually try not pretend to. This might not be true of you, but it might also be a good idea to just think about it at least.
And I agree every single holiday, birthday, etc is excessive. Talk to your boyfriend about changing that. Make some traditions of your own.
And I also agree that making friends of your own that are separate from him is important. My husband and I both have different sets of friends. And I enjoy it. I enjoy the time we have together as groups, but I enjoy have separate time as well. It makes the time we have together more special as well I think. Because hanging out with people without him makes me miss him and appreciate him more, especially when I get to hear stories of less than stellar SOs who don’t bring their sick wives double chocolate mochas and two papers so she can get coupons from both.
Part of being in a relationship is sometimes doing what you don’t want to for the sake of your partners enjoyment. My husband doesn’t enjoy chick flicks but occasionally watches one with me because he likes to make me happy. I’m bored by mechanical things but if my husband wants to browse a store with old little metal things that are fascinating to him then I put a smile on my face and say “take your time.” Relationships are give and take- this is where your boyfriend needs you to give and as Wendy said, it’s a pretty damn easy thing to give.
I feel a little mean saying this, but LW, you came off sounding pretty self-entitled saying how your boyfriends friends don’t entertain you and should I just move away from everything to get away from these people who can’t hold a decent conversation?
LW-Your boyfriend is really lucky to have a core group of friends that he has known for a long-time and that he can always hang out with. The majority of people don’t have that. And him not wanting to expand his social circle much is understandable. You said it yourself, life is short so surround yourself with the right people. Also, your boyfriend may really enjoy being the life of the party. Perhaps he doesn’t do well in social situations where he isn’t the center of attention. I think you have made a good amount of effort to get to know these people, so I would try to bring your friends to these situations and then spend more time building up your own social life. I understand you and your boyfriend spending a lot of time together, I’m the same way, but instead of making up excuses you could actually have a busy social calendar so instead of going to Mike’s birthday you could go to your friend Susie’s party.
Is anyone else not really buying this? After 3 YEARS of spending time and trying to find common ground with these people you don’t have anything positive OR negative to say about them? For most of us a few interactions with someone is enough to figure out if we like them or not but after years how can you not have an opinion on these people besides “they’re boring.”
Why do you feel debates a necessary prerequisite to being interesting? Some groups thrive on creating a supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable and one way people can do that is by sweeping disagreements under the rug. I understand if you don’t watch the same TV shows or play video games how it can be frustrating when that dominates discussion but you seem to seriously be claiming there are no other dimensions to this group of people. And I really have a hard time believing that. Maybe it’s time for a talk with your boyfriend about why he cares about these people so much and hopefully that may lend some insight into other dimensions of their personality?
Er… you think you have the ability (and the right?) to MAKE your boyfriend move away from his close-knit group of harmless peeps? I wonder what your point of view is if you think controlling his social life to your satisfaction is the way to be a good partner. I’m getting a vision of Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in The Family Stone yap yap yapping about what she thinks is interesting while the laid-back family are all like, “what’s up with this chick and why has she been foisted on us?”
These people, including your boyfriend, have a flavor they are happy with, so leave their Koolaid alone. You don’t have to drink it, but you don’t get to snatch the glasses out of their hands either..
Wow.
Why don’t you host a party occasionally? Then he gets his friends there and you can invite your friends who don’t drive you crazy. Everyone wins! And on the nights you know it’s going to be awful for you, make other plans. There’s no reason you have to attend every event they hold. Sometimes it’s better to have separate guys’ night/girls’ night.
If you’re looking for a relationship where you won’t have to compromise on anything ever, I regret to inform you it doesn’t exist.
I wish LW would have given some information on what she regards as non-boring friends.
For example, “Everyone agrees with each other and there are no debates,” may mean that she considers tensions, spats, and drama to be what provides excitement. Is that it?
Is it an absence of erudite debates on the Great Books? Or, is that they don’t tune in every night to Entertainment Tonight in hopes of fresh dirt on the Kardashians?
Is it just me or is it a little weird to be super bothered by people that you find “boring”? I mean, what does that really even mean? What do you want, crazy drama and fighting and that kind of excitement? I guess I can sort of relate to finding people, well, not very intellectually stimulating or something. But I can usually find *something* to relate to people about. We’re all just people, and finding something fun to do with others isn’t really THAT difficult is it?
I dunno, I guess I just don’t personally relate to finding other people horribly boring and therefore difficult to spend time with. I like sitting around and relaxing with people, even just quietly watching a movie or something. Maybe I’m boring? Ha.
The real problem here is the self-centered boyfriend, who insists that they spend every holiday with his friends because they allow him to be the center of attention. He will not consider making new friends as a couple or celebrating holidays with their families. The LW has tried hard to get along with his friends, but has simply not been able to connect with them because she does not share their interests in video games or TV.
I disagree with Wendy that this issue is simply a matter of sucking up and dealing with his friends. I think it may be a dealbreaker for the relationship because it points to a major incompatiability between the LW and her boyfriend. She wants stimulating conversation and rewarding relationships, while he wants to remain in adolescent video game mode. He is also not willing to compromise so that the LW can find other ways to get the rewarding relationships she craves.
I’m slightly speechless. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but I think the problem here is you, not his friends. I’m not sure why you think they’re so boring. I could understand if you said they talk about things you don’t know about, but to declare them as boring people seems kind of arrogant. I’d be happy that my boyfriend had a full social life and close friends; making friends as an adult can be really hard. I feel like my concern would be hoping that they liked me and fitting into the group, not whether they were good enough for me. Honestly, the fact that they are so devoted to spending time together makes me think they’re probably warm, nice people.
I hope that your boyfriend is open to making new friends if he meets people he likes, but expecting him to make all new friends that you approve of is pretty selfish. He likes the friends he has. Do you have friends? Do you ever spend time with them (with your boyfriend or without)? Moving you and your boyfriend (which means finding a new place to live, two new jobs and forcing him to ditch his friends) just because you think his friends are boring is ridiculous. Considering these are the people he likes to spend time with, do you not think he’d find similar friends? Or do you plan to dictate who he can get to know?
So, try spending some time with your friends. And make an effort to get to know his friends. Maybe if you are more of a part of the group, you’ll find what they are talking about more interesting. Or make some suggestions that you find more fun, like suggesting the group go bowling or camping. But if you find that you can’t get over your annoyance with them, I’d suggest letting your boyfriend find someone who isn’t to judgmental.
I just don’t understand why she has to hang out with his friends. Maybe I’m weird but my boyfriend and I NEVER hang out with each others friends. I have my 2 best girlfriends that I do movies and coffee with and he’s got his own group of guy friends that he hangs out with. Then again, we’re not the type of people who enjoy parties and social gatherings and going out to bars or anything like that. So maybe that sets us apart.
But either way… if you don’t want to hang out with his friends, go out with your own group of friends, and just make sure to make an effort to have time alone together.
Not sure how popular this is going to be but here goes…LW just don’t hang out with them anymore…I’m not sure why people always feel like just because they are dating someone or in a relationship with someone that that means that they have to hang out with their significant other’s friends…I see nothing wrong with having separate groups of friends and if you don’t like hanging out with certain people, then simply don’t…especially on holidays and special occasions (isn’t that even more reason not to have to hang out with them?)…it is probably better for the relationship to have your own group of friends and outside interests anyways…unless you are siamese twins I say there is nothing wrong with having a different social circle from your guy
Those silent dinners sound pretty tedious. So maybe you don’t go to every one. Or you invite some of your own friends along. Or, like others are saying, you make new friends of your own. Good luck, LW!
Whatever you do never ever ever try to pull your boyfriend’s friends away from him. He will choose his friends. You won’t like all of them. That’s natural. You can’t expect to enjoy spending time with all of them, but like Wendy said, the best way to handle this is to suck it up and deal with it. Things could be a LOT worse than they are.
Really? Move or break up? That’s how you’re going to solve this?
What about talking to your BF more, explaining why you are annoyed about spending so much time with these “boring” friends? Why don’t you try to take some interest in the things they usually talk about? Why don’t you share some of your interests with them? Or you could make some of your own friends and get both groups to hang out together, you could not hang out with the friends, you could just suck it up…
Seriously, if there is nothing wrong in your relationship other than these “boring” friends be thankful. But if you’re willing to break up with someone over JUST their friends (who appear to have aboslutely nothing wrong with them, other than y’all not having common interests) this might not be as amazing of a relationship as you think it is.
Talk about irony. For somebody complaining about how boring everybody else is — that was sure one boringly composed letter about one hell of a boring problem… Of course it could just be that your boyfriend so loves to be the life of the party, that he deliberately chooses to surround himself with boring people… His friends… His girlfriend… Think about it.
The other thought crossing my mind as I read this letter was how maybe they are all so quiet and agreeable at these dreaded dinners because the find YOU boring and hard to get along with.
LW, I have similar issues with my Husband’s friends. They are all single and they are all about sports. I definately feel like I am tagging along with that group rather than in it versus other groups we hang out with. So here is what I do. We have “Football parties” a few times a year. These parties are always sundays starting at noon and ending at the start of the night game around 7ish. So I make a ton of food and buy beer. If the girlfriend of the moment shows then I hang out but sometimes I will just sneak upstairs and read my book or do some writing or anything I want to do. It works out great because the guys love getting the home cooked food and time with my husband but I don’t feel forced to sit there quietly which would happen if we were at a bar. This then leaves Friday and Saturday nights for more mutual friends. Just an Idea.
First, LW – you are right that it’s crazy to move away because you don’t like his friends. It’s good that you know that. But it’s also good that you acknowledge considering it, because it gives a good indication of how desperate you are to do something about it.
I completely disagree with anyone who says you should suck it up. Frankly, I’m a little confused by the commenters who say you’re being controlling. To me, it sounds like your bf is being controlling by saying you “need’ to be friends with his friends, by insisting you spend every holiday, birthday, etc. with a group of people that he very well knows you can’t stand, and by refusing to make any effort to make new friends that you would both like. I think that’s kind of shitty and selfish of him, actually. I’m trying to imagine the conversation where I insist that my husband be friends with my friends that he can’t stand, and that he spend every special occasion with them (or vice versa) and frankly that just makes me laugh. Not gonna happen.
Now, I don’t know what personality type your bf is. If he’s introverted, for example, then he may find the idea of having to do the work of making new friends so daunting that it exhausts him just thinking about it. There’s a lot of possible reasons why someone would not want to leave his comfort zone of friends he’s known all his life, and he may not be capable of it. That doesn’t mean he gets to control your entire social life by digging in his heels, but it probably does mean that if you want new friends as a couple you’ll have to do much of the work yourself. You’ll have to meet people and bring them into your circle and try and integrate them into the group. You have to decide whether you’re up for that. If you’re not, then make your own friends and spend social occasions with them. Your bf’s not the boss of your social life.
BTW, it’s not crazy to think about breaking up with someone over this. It’s not the “having boring friends” so much as the “having boring friends and insisting you accept them as your entire social circle.”
As usual, everyone is blowing this way out of proportion. Some people write to Wendy because they’re dealign with heavy shit, and some people write in because they need an objective opinion on some awkward social situation. I have done the latter, and while my response was tinged with a hint of get the fuck over it I appreciated that it was answered respectfully, (and at all given the amount of heavy letters also being answered.)
THAT BEING SAID I totally feel where the LW is coming from. Being around boring people ALL the time can be pretty soul sucking and anyone who says that the LW is to blame obviously just hasn’t been there. All they talk about is TV and video games?? I would shoot something.
My bf’s friends aren’t ‘boring’ per se, but because I’m in university I’m getting used to having more academic conversations and sometimes the topics brought up when we hang out just don’t do it for me. They also are a bit older and prefer a night in or at a pub and I need to get out and blow off steam one in a while. So what I did, and what I suggest the LW does is make some friends that give you what you want; even over the top what you want. After a few days of hard partying and skull crushing academia with my school friends I am way more ready (even appreciative) of a night in just joking around and telling stories. It might not be the friends themselves, but just the LW overdosing on their brand of hangouts.
I’m trying to get over how stunned I am at the number of people in this thread who are like “no one is boring!” “if you’re bored then YOU’RE boring!” (ps. Life is not dictated by a Harvey Danger song). I am finding it super hard to swallow that these people have never been bored by anyone, ever. You’ve NEVER been trapped at a watercooler chatting with someone having a chocolate fundraiser for fingernail fungus? You’ve NEVER gotten into an involuntary discussion about someone’s heart medication? You walk a blessed road, clearly.
One-topic people are boring except to their particular niche audience. It’s the same way small town gossip is only interesting if you know the people involved. Otherwise it’s just a long story about some dude you’ve never heard of. And that’s boring. Whether these people are super interesting to each other is irrelevant; the LW finds their topics of conversation boring. So what? Different strokes, etc. I’m sure not 100% of people find any of you (or me) fascinating either.
LW, limit your contact with these people and you’ll find you’re a lot happier to hang out with them on occasion (which yes, you still have to do). If it’s a special occasion, suck it up and go. But if it’s just a hangout, skip it. You’re entitled to have separate friends, no matter what your boyfriend says. You don’t have to fake sick, but let your bf know you hope he has fun but you will be shopping/with your friends/drinking alone with a book/masturbating. If he insists you come, just keep repeating versions of “Thanks for the invite, but I have plans doing XYZ!” If he still insists, trot out “I’ll see So-and-So at his/her upcoming birthday for sure, but tonight I am busy doing XYZ.” If he’s repeatedly getting mad about that and insisting you NEED to be BFFs with these people too, that’s a big red flag to MOA.