“My Husband Wants Me To Dress Better”
Right about the time we got married, my husband started a new job at a bank (which I am thrilled about), where he is required to dress professionally every day. I am a full-time student and work nearly full-time in the two-year-old class of a daycare, where I dress comfortably enough to chase around 16 toddlers and run the risk of being puked on at any minute. My issue is that no matter what we do after work, my husband insists on staying dressed up and I always feel like a sloppy mess. I don’t have the time, energy, or wardrobe to match his appearance when we go to dinner, hang out with friends, or go to meetings of clubs to which we belong. I do my hair and make–up every day, and typically touch it up quickly when I get home from work, but I still feel like a teenager next to my adult husband wherever we go.
I constantly try to get him to change into casual clothes in the evenings, but he’s developed an obsession with always looking “classy” and dismisses my feelings as crazy. When we are both wearing casual clothes around the house on the weekend, he’ll often change right at the last second before we go out, leaving me feeling like he’s trying to look better than me, which he swears he’s not. Needless to say, this has become a fairly regular argument.
I don’t deny that this seems like a small thing to get upset over, and I might even sound kind of crazy, but after months of feeling inadequately dressed, it’s started to legitimately affect my self-esteem. I’ve always been fairly self-confident and I haven’t felt this perpetually self-conscious since middle school. Not only that, but in my moments of frustration, I start to come up with these ideas that the reason he wants to always dress this way is because he thinks he’s better than everyone else – including me – which I doubt is the case.
I want to have a loving and mature relationship with my husband, but this whole situation just leaves me feeling consistently immature, both in physical appearance and in my actions. I’m headed for a career full of scrubs once I finish school this year, so this likely isn’t a problem that is going away. So how do I overcome my consistent feelings of being unattractive and underdressed? And is there any way to get my husband to understand how I feel? — Issues to A Dress
Let’s see, you feel inadequately dressed, your self-confidence has nose-dived lower than it’s been since you were an adolescent, you feel like your physical appearance is “immature,” and yet you think it’s your husband who has the problem because he won’t dress more like you when you to go out rather than the other way around?
It seems like the effort you put into feeling bad about yourself and getting upset with your husband and creating theories about him thinking he’s better than you and everyone else could be better spent changing out of puke-covered/ casual clothes into something a little more appropriate for a dinner out with your new husband. I’ve raised toddlers and I appreciate the necessity for casual clothes when you have your hands full with 2-year-olds all day. I also appreciate being on a budget and not wanting to blow much on clothes you don’t have to wear to work. But as a wife and as a woman, I also appreciate how important it is to feel good about yourself, and you know, puke-covered sweat pants isn’t gonna get the job done.
You really don’t have to spend a lot of money — or time — on a few items of clothing you can wear on dates out with your husband (or a ladies’ night out or brunch with friends or whatever other social opportunity you might have). You need 1-2 flattering jeans that you can wear with a nice sweater or pretty top, 1-2 dresses (or skirts), a pair of heels or ankle boots or even some trendy sneakers, and you have the basics for about 4-5 mix-and-matched outfits. Assuming you aren’t going out every single night of the week — or even if you are — that’s really all you need. You can wear the same 3-5 outfits each week. You will feel better about yourself and your husband will be happy his new wife is finally wearing something to dinner that a toddler didn’t pee or puke on.
I know you said you don’t want to put the effort into your appearance, but this is more than your appearance we’re talking about. This is your self-esteem and, frankly, your marriage. How unimportant must your husband feel that you can’t even spare five minutes to change your clothes and fix yourself up a bit to look good for him? You wouldn’t wear casual clothes to a job interview, would you? Well, why is a job more important that your marriage?
I suspect your feelings of inadequacy run a little deeper than just the clothes you’re wearing though, and I wonder if they stem from the fact that you’re still in school and working at a job you consider temporary while your husband has already started a career — a career in which he dresses like a real professional. I can see how it might feel like you’re at very different stages — stages that are echoed in your choice of wardrobe. Maybe it even feels like you’re being left behind. But this, like your daycare job, is temporary, and it doesn’t define you.
Hopefully, you will be married for a very long time, and over the course of your marriage, there will be periods when you’re doing well career-wise and maybe your husband is in a rut, and times when he’s flying high and you’re not feeling as successful. It’s important to use these opportunities to support each other and celebrate victories as a team. And if it feels like all the victories are “his,” remember that your time is coming. Your life, you marriage, and your career are all marathons.
… But that doesn’t mean you should never change out of your running attire.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS! LW, do you know where I buy the majority of my clothes, including designer suits and dresses? Goodwill and the Salvation Army. You can buy a whole new wardrobe at these stores for well under $100 and donate clothing that you don’t want anymore. It’s great! Plus, the Salvation Army has their annual 50% off everything the day after Christmas, which I am already looking forward to. 🙂 Also, check out Ross stores because they are absolutely fantastic. I’ve bought several designer dresses there for under $15 each.
Basically, I don’t think you have an excuse not to have at least some dress clothes. If you feel inadequately dressed compared to your husband, it’s up to you to make a change.
An easy solution to all your problems would be to dress better when you go out with your husband. Bring a change of clothes to work etc.. Try to keep the casual work-wear clothes confined to work and the gym.
WWS! It only takes 5 minutes (or less) to get changed and throw on some jewelry. If you know you are going to go out one night, plan the outfit the night before. If you are going there right after work then pack a bag with clothes and makeup. Remember, if you look good you feel good, so maybe that’s what this is all about.
In addition, him changing out of his casual clothes when leaving the house on the weekends is not abnormal. I always wear comfy clothes around the house and then put on a real outfit before going out and about. I think a lot of men go through a phase where they actually learn how to dress as an adult (as opposed to jeans and any free tee shirt they can get at college events). These men then start purchasing nicer clothes/shoes. This is a GOOD thing. Why wouldn’t you want your husband to look nice? Embrace it.
Wendy’s title is off on this one and likely will influence comments. The LW’s husband has not complained about the way she dresses. Actually, she complains about the way he dresses and thinks it makes her look like a slob, which he has never said. The start to the letter is strange, with the excuse that she dresses down for comfort and not to ruin good clothes as a student and day care worker. This is reasonable, but it’s also not anything that she says her husband has ever complained about or criticized.
The husband’s bank likely has a dress code. His employer may even have reminded him that he will encounter a lot of customers out in the community as he shops and goes out to dinner, so he needs to always look professional. He may or may not have over-interpretted this advice, but seems to feel that maintaining a good image at all times will help his career.
Husband is not ambushing LW by changing to nicer clothes ‘at the last minute’ when they go out. Surely by now she is 100% certain that he will wear nice clothes to go out. It wouldn’t hurt LW to dress up a little more when they go out to dinner, although it seems her husband has never asked her to do this. If she feels uncomfortably clothed in the presence of a well-dressed husband, then she has an easy solution — dress to the minimum level at which she feels personally comfortable sitting next to her husband. I don’t get the idea of re-touched makeup with severe dress down to go out. Sort of incongruous match that likely looks a bit silly.
Yeh I’m picturing that they are wearing yoga pants/sweats around the house and then he changes into jeans and a sweater while she stays in her yoga pants. Not a big deal. I agree that the title is misleading, it should be “I want my husband to dress worse”
I worked in a lab where we wore jeans and t-shirts everyday, then I was laid off so I wore pajamas all day while I looked for jobs. When my boyfriend (who works in an office) wants to go out, I dress for the occasion. That doesn’t mean I always put on a dress and heels, but dark jeans, cute boots, and a pretty top with some costume jewelry has become a go to outfit. I also own dresses and heels, and it takes me no longer to put them on than it does for me to put on jeans and a t-shirt. You say you touch up your make-up before you go out, so why not take the extra 5 minutes and put on something nice.
You make a lot of assumptions about your husband wanting you to dress better, but I didn’t read anything about him asking you to do that. If you feel uncomfortable with what you wear, you change it. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but just nicer than your daily work wear. Hopefully, this will make you feel better about yourself and your marriage will benefit.
My final point: Most people who live in casual clothes or scrubs for work, really enjoy dressing up. It’s a change from the norm, it is FUN, and it gives them a chance to show that they are not as shapeless as their work clothes might imply.
I agree! All of my favorite clothes are from consignment stores. They have great stuff! It does wonders for your wardrobe without breaking the bank,
While I do think Wendy’s advice is spot on, it is always a red flag for me when a man dismisses wife/girlfriend and calls them “crazy”. I definitely think you should take all of Wendy’s advice, but I think you should have a heart to heart with your husband too. Tell him how you’re feeling and how exhausted you are. You guys both should meet in the middle a little. You dress it up for date night at a nicer restaurant and he should tone it down for hanging out with friends watching football.
But she is acting kind of crazy. He hasn’t said anything to her saying that he’s unhappy with how she looks or done anything that she’s said. She’s coming up with conspiracy theories (to steal Wendy’s word choice here).
I couldn’t afford any of those items. I mean, I guess I could, but I’d hate myself for spending so much money.
Oh also, remember a dress is 1 decision and its only 1 article of clothing that needs to be clean at any given time, dresses are your friend!
LW – Organizing your closet, shoes, and accessories will make changing super fast. I took a bunch of wall mounted key ring holders and hung them in the wall of my closet and hang my necklaces from there. I have a display earring holder and a bracelet holder (I got them at michaels). My shoes are organized. By doing this, it makes you remember your stuff and not spend time untangling them. It shows that you appreciate your things and makes it that you aren’t digging through your stuff.
My husband graduated from law school the year before I did and worked in a nice office downtown where he was required to wear a suit. During that year, I was still a law school student and dressed most days jeans and sandals. When we would go to lunch downtown or out after he got off of work, I dressed up to his level. It never occurred to me not to because, yeah, I’d stick out in a nice restaurant full of professionals on a Thursday at 5:00 if I walked in wearing in jeans and sandals. No wonder the LW feels immature and out of place. She looks immature and out of place.
LW, get some dressy, adult clothes. Put them on when you go out to dressy, adult places with your dressed up, adult husband. You will feel like a dressy, adult woman. And there is nothing more confidence building than that. Also, I’ve been told its sexy as hell.
This letter makes me want to talk about myself right now. I (normally) have to wear a suit to work everyday. Barf. Suits are so uncomfortable. Skirt suits were invented by a total asshole. Why would I want to take little itty bitty steps everywhere?! I got shit to do and places to go people. So when I get home I immediately change into some lulu’s. They make my life complete. There is no greater joy I get in this world than getting home from a long day and pouring a glass of wine and putting on yoga pants. It’s the one moment my life feels complete.
So now making this about you LW – why don’t you guys try to have a few romantic dinners in every week and only go out a few nights. Going out every night sounds exhausting to me. You can also start naked Thursdays. That’s always good for new couples.
Looking good makes me feel good. And when I feel good, I have more confidence. And when I’m confident, I’m happy. And I make others happy too because it’s like a drug. Who doesn’t want to be happy?
LW, if spending a little bit of money – and I’m sure your husbund would support this investment, I think of most clothes as an investment – will make you feel better when you go out, do it. And maybe, just maybe, if you put in a little effort, when you’re home from a night out with the husband, it will be all he can do to keep his hands off of you. Sex, it’s another happiness drug.
I promise within a couple weeks, your self inflicted spiral into negativity will be cured.
oh, LW, i feel for you… i really do. i have no fashion sense. i never really cared what my appearance was anyway, and after years of being made fun of and being brainwashed by a terribly strict dress code, i dont even feel comfortable in anything else then pants. so thats all i wear. its dumb. when i worked in kitchens, it was easy though, because kitchen pants are kind of like sweats, so it was comfy. but now i have to actually wear “nice” clothes, but at the same time, they cant be too nice because i still work in a kitchen almost daily. its a weird thing to reconcile.
anyway, if you dont feel good about what your wearing, why dont you change into something you do feel good in? im really not one who should be giving this advice, because i obsess over what to wear to very simple things, i freak out if people have seen me in the same outfit, i hate dressing up because i never know what to wear…. so really, LW, just dont be like me. thats my advice.
also, i wonder how much of this is your internal issue vs. what your husband thinks/feels/says to you/ect. are you picking up on him not liking what your wearing? he is actually saying things to you? if you personally feel under-dressed then dress up a little more. thats an easy fix. if you dont want to dress up, then wear whatever you want. just own it, whatever you choose to do.
I am really awful at dressing myself, so I understand. I gathered from you letter that the goal was to find a way to make your husband stop dressing up, but the solution to fixing your confidence is not to make other people feel less confident about themselves. Wendy’s right. You don’t have to buy expensive clothes, just ones that are clearly made for dressing up. I know plenty of nurses who weae scrubs all say and who also dress up too. It’s not mutually exclusive. In fact, it makes putting together a wardrobe easier and cheaper because you don’t have to worry about spending lots of money and time on work clothes.
I kind of get where LW is coming from. When I was working fulltime I wore scrubs from early morning til night from monday to friday. And after I got home I was usually too tired to put on much more than pjs. BUT when we went out I would make an effort to dress a bit better.
Now I´m pretty much a SAHM (except for a couple of hours a couple of times a week when I return to the scrubs), and when I´m at home of course I wear sweats, but to go out, even if just to get my eldest from kindy I wear at least jeans, and skirts in warm weather (I love skirts). But, my husband DID bug me about not dressing nicely when we go out (when we first met I dressed pretty well all the time) so recently I´ve been making a bit more of an effort when we go out to dinner or whatever.
I also don´t like spending a lot of money on clothes for myself, but now that I´m older, I´m starting to appreciate investing in clothes and shoes, I much prefer having one pair of great shoes that will last a few seasons than 2/3 pairs of crappy ones thast won´t even last one season. I gues it helps that I´m more of a classical dresser, I don´t really follow trends so my clothes don´t age.
All this to say my advice to you would be learn to dress for your body. Make an effort to dress a bit better when you go out (ike others have said it takes next to no effort to throw on a dress). If you don´t have much room for clothes in your budget, shop wisely, get some classic items that you can accesorize. Accesories are cheap, and can totally change an outfit.
H&M.Very affordable. But I know that when I don’t have the energy to dress nicely, wear makeup etc., it means I’m depressed.
I used to have this one friend when I lived in Seattle who was a full time yoga teacher. So of course she spent all her time in yoga clothes. She lived in a group house with my boyfriend at the time and whenever I went over there she was always dressed up when hanging around the house. When I asked her about it, she said she liked to dress up after work because she spent so much time in yoga clothes, which by the way weren’t as cute as they are now. So that could be a solution. Have some dressier outfits that you where when you are NOT working and keep the grubby ones for home. A lot of medical professionals, who spend their days in scrubs do the same.
The element that seems to be missing is what the others are wearing “when we go to dinner, hang out with friends, or go to meetings of clubs to which we belong.”
The guy is required to dress professional at work — what are his peers wearing at “club meetings”? Are they eating at Five Guys, or more upscale places where men wear about what he does at work? What are they doing when they “hang out with friends”? Is it grilling in the back yard? Etc.
(This reminds me of my father. He always said dressing was easy for him: jeans or coat+tie.)
WWS! Oh and don’t become one of those nurses who feels the need to never ever ever change out of her scrubs, I see that all of the time for some reason.
this has got to be the only women ever that has complained about a guy dressing nicely… i always shower guys (friends and significant others) in praise when they get dressed up, hoping to encourage them to do it more often.
What confused me about this letter was, what is the LW’s definition of casual? I work in an office where we have NO casual days, and am wearing dress pants/dresses/skirts/blouses 5 days a week. I deem jeans, regardless of color or cut as “casual” because of this. I only have 2 pairs of jeans because I so rarely get the chance to wear them! So while I was reading it, I was thinking to myself “would it kill the husband to put on some jeans to go to dinner occasionally?” and actually had thoughts of him going to Target in polos and khakis. However, if the LW is wearing yoga pants and exercise gear all day/night, and then out to dinner, that’s no good. There are nights we go to dinner in jeans, and there are other nights we dress up a bit more, depending on where we’re going.
Look, I get it. I just finished graduate school, while my boyfriend works downtown in a major (although admittedly still pretty laid back) city. Sometimes we would meet up for dinner and he’d be dressed nicely while I’d still be in the threadbare, stained, and rumpled clothing I threw on that morning. You do feel a little inferior. Not just because of the clothing, but because I had no *reason* to dress nicely. He had a career, and I was still a student. Sometimes it felt like I was the one behind or not yet grown-up, and our differences in clothes were signaling that to the entire world.
The answer though is not to harangue him into dressing down, its for you to try to step it up. Dress how you want to feel, even if no one is expecting or demanding it of you. Lots of people have given some great suggestions that should be easy and affordable to pursue, so I won’t go through that, but there are plenty of ways to dress up without too much effort or money.
If you ARE happy with how you dress, then let it go. It doesn’t seem to bother your husband, so stop letting it bother you.
I have to say that I disagree with Wendy slightly, only because how the LW dresses doesn’t seem to bother her husband at all. If you want to change clothes before going out, by all means do so (and it sounds as if that might be a good esteem booster for you), but don’t think you need to do so for your husband, as lucky for you, he doesn’t seem to mind.
I echo what everyone else has said. My husband and I have a similar inequality of work-wear – he works at an international organization and wears suits almost every day (he has an entire dresser drawer full of ties!) and my job is in a lab where it’s mostly hoodies and Crocs. I’m usually the best-dressed person around here, and that is not saying much. 🙂 I’m on my feet and in and out of various protective-equipment situations during the day, and my belief is that a great pair of high-quality comfortable ballet flats and some “investment jeans” can change your life. I feel so much more put together just having on my swank shoes than I do with sneakers – even with the same jeans-and-t-shirt outfit.
LW, unlike everyone here, I think you should relax. Your husband loves you just the way you are (remember, he’s married to you!). All of this is in your head.
Accept that he likes to dress up. Accept that you like to dress comfortably. Focus on things other than the clothes you wear for your self worth.
My style is pretty casual. As a college prof, I have to wear dressy clothes (all my colleagues do, students expect it), and I just hate it. I love wearing jeans and sweatpants and t-shirts (who doesn’t, right?). So when I go out on weekends, I wear t-shirts and jeans and comfy shoes. And I see all these other girls wearing really nice clothes, and I’m a bit jealous. Because those girls look good, and I could look good too if I wore the clothes I left at home! But then I realize that I’m actually more comfortable (and a lot warmer in the winter!) than all of them, and I like that more!
When you go out, keep in mind that people don’t have time to judge you by what you’re wearing (really, it’s all in your head!). They’re thinking ‘what should I have for dinner?’ or ‘do these pants make me look fat?’. So relax. Or change your wardrobe and wear uncomfortable clothes like the rest of us.
One more thing – LW, notice how all advice here is how you should change yourself. It’s not that people generally believe that dressing up is better, but that it’s controlling to have your spouse dress the way you want them to.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with being a jeans-and-t-shirt kind of girl. If that’s who you are, he should love you and accept you without trying to change you, no? (And it sounds like he does, so good on him.) But it works both ways. If he’s a suit-and-tie kind of guy, then you need to love and accept him too. If you don’t like the way you dress, than you should make some changes to your own wardrobe! But you don’t get to force HIM to change to make yourself feel better.