Shortcuts: “When Should I Give My New Boyfriend a Key to My Place?”
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
From the forums:
My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. Things are going very well; I’ve met his parents, he’s meeting mine soon, and I trust him. I’m moving into a new apartment on July 1st, and I am thinking it’d be convenient to give him a spare key so he doesn’t have to call and wait for me every time he’s at the front door.
Is giving a guy a key to your place a super meaningful gesture that we’re still a little too new for, or is it an appropriate convenience after you’re certain he’s trustworthy? After an extended period of casual flings, he’s my first relationship in years so I’m a little rusty on these things! — Everything’s O-Key
It’s just a key. It isn’t and doesn’t have to be some meaningful gesture that implies a level of seriousness you may or may not be ready for. Make an extra set of keys to your new place, hand them to your boyfriend, and tell him now he can let himself into your place early in the morning and surprise you with breakfast in bed any time he wants.
You forbid your boyfriend of eight years from visiting his sister alone because she dyes her hair and is trying to lose weight, and he’s still with you? You’re right; it really doesn’t add up…
From the forums:
A simple, “Oh, that’s years away!” should suffice, especially if you shrug it off and move the conversation along. Honestly, people really don’t care as much as it may seem they do; they’re just trying to express interest in your life, so if the engagement question bugs you, guide them to a topic that IS safe to discuss, like your hobbies, vacation plans, your family, or your job.
Example:
Other person: “Hey, when are you two going to finally get married?”
You: Oh gosh, that’s still years away! We are planning a trip to South Carolina next month though. Do you have any summer travel plans?
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LW1- I agree with Wendy’s advice but only do so if you are moving into your apartment ALONE. Do not EVER give out a key to a shared house unless you discuss it with all your roommates first. A roommate of mine did this and it caused major problems.
Also, LW2- There aren’t really that many hair colors out there, so I’m doubting that she’s “trying to look like you” by dying her hair and losing weight. These are totally normal things.
THANK YOU for this comment.
When my husband and I started dating, he shared a place with his best friend, and his best friend started dating someone and just gave her a key… And I wasn’t allowed to have one. There were so many evenings where I got to his place after work before he did, and couldn’t get in and had to sit around outside in the cold/rain/snow. The logic was evidently that they only had one spare set of keys, and the roommate just gave it to his girlfriend without talking about it first, so I couldn’t have a key.
Eventually my then-boyfriend/now-husband wound up getting an extra copy of the key made for me, but at that point it was like two months before we moved in together so it was kind of pointless. I just remember how LIVID I was when I saw the roommate’s girlfriend come in with her own set of keys, recalling all the times I spent sitting on the front steps in inclement weather.
The whole thing was just very uncomfortable/awkward, and it could have easily been avoided if the two residents of the apartment had actually TALKED about allowing other people to have keys to the apartment.
Before we lived together, my then-boyfriend/now-husband didn’t have a key to my place because I didn’t want my roommates to feel uncomfortable and we spent less time together at my place, since my apartment only had one bathroom and parking was very limited.
Why would the friend not allow you to have a key when his own gf did (was she around longer than you)? Or was it your bf who wouldn’t allow you to have a key? Sounds like it was kinda your bf’s fault for not getting a key made quickly.
I rent an apartment in a condo building from the owner of the individual condo and apparently there are only X amount of keys to the front door. For example, I am only allowed to have 3 copies (and it is a very difficult key to get copied, costs $100 per key and the keymaker needs a plastic card to make a copy of the metal key). This has been driving me nuts since I’ve moved in — I live alone and wanted my sister and parents to have a copy, as well as one for a cleaning lady and a spare for guests. (I wanted to go somewhere sketchy and have extra made, but I was pretty sure the super would freaking count the number of people who came in and out of my apartment — can you tell we don’t get along because he’s a nutjob??) So it there sometimes are serious difficulties.
But LW1, about the key — I go to the gym in the evening and my bf of 2 months has roommates, so we like to sleep at my place. I gave him the spare set one night so he could get in while i was still at the gym, and then just told him to hang onto them so I don’t have to worry about getting home in time. It isn’t like I “GAVE HIM A KEY.” And while he technically has a key to my place, I don’t think of it as HIM HAVING A KEY TO MY APT. I don’t have a key to his, because I have absolutely no need for one. You are totally justified in wondering if it had to be a huge gesture, and sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn’t. (Remember Gilmore Girls and the “talking key”?) So yay for being cognizant of perceptions, but don’t sweat this one and just do it as casually as you mean it, and it won’t be a thing.
But if he literally wasn’t allowed to give her a key because of his landlord, and the only allowed spare was already taken, how is that anyone’s fault? Like, she just sounded angry about it.
If the scenario was: two roommates and 3 copies of key allowed total. Each roomie gets one and they keep a spare, because that’s just what you do. She and her BF deal with it. Roommate gets a GF and suddenly gives her the spare, without talking to BF. She is pissed that she and BF dealt with the difficulty out of respect for the Roommate and the need for a spare, which they don’t feel was reciprocated by Roommate when he just ups and gives the key away, which wasn’t his to give. It makes her (unfairly) resentful of Roommate’s GF who didn’t have to deal with the annoyingness like she did.
I could get being annoyed. I could also see why Roommate would be thinking “but you never asked to use the spare!” The ins and outs of interpersonal relationships are so complicated!
Maybe I’m reading it wrong. Sounded like the other gf came first, and therefore got the spare key. Or that the bf didn’t want to give her a spare, so the other guy just gave it to his gf. Who knows though.
Also, in my apartment you have to deadlock the front door to the apartment building when you leave, which might be the most annoying thing in the world. It means you can’t buzz people up (even though there is a buzzer) because you have to unlock the deadbolt and relock it after them. It also means that someone can’t just leave your apartment and go out — you need to walk everyone to the door so you can lock the door behind them. And when you leave, you have to remember to deadlock the front door. Which is why NOT having a key would be crazy pants annoying, and even more frustrating if you aren’t allowed to get more made. What, I’m projecting about my frustration with my key/apartment building? never! but seriously, it sucks super monkeyballs.
haha 🙂
not at your crappy situation, at your projecting comment.
This sounds completely like your husbands fault. It is very easy and cheap to get a key made.
Seriously. Like, $3 and takes 2 minutes.
Yeah. I am baffled by all the lame, pointless drama… I mean, come on! Making keys can be done pretty much anywhere and everywhere…
See my comment above. I’m not saying that this happened in this instance, but I’ve had a surprising amount of drama with my super just for asking for extra keys/permission to make an extra key for fully bonded cleaning lady to use once a month; some buildings are just hyper nutso about their keys, even with level-headed tenants. (And some live-in supers are crazy and watch the live feed from the security video so they can yell at you for having an amazon box next to your mailbox for 12 hours– in a building with 9 apartments).
Guys I’m back!!
LW3- Say something like “We’re happy now, I like you’re shirt. Where did you get it?” or “Oh, we’ll get there eventually. Do you like the bean dip?” Just divert, divert, divert.
YAY!!! Make a post in the forum and tell us all about the wedding!
Yes! Wedding stories!!
YES! There was a whole etiquette thread that you missed. It was really weird without you. You should out a forum up about how the wedding went.
Or listen to bethany. 🙂
Whatttt…I missed wedding stuff?? Haha. I’ll make a forum post. It felt weird but since there are requests 🙂
Not wedding stuff. Someone is having a BBQ and is afraid people will bring unwanted broccoli casserole. I filled in for you as Master of Etiquette and told them if anyone brings unwanted food, the proper thing to do would be to take a fist full of the casserole and mush it into the guests’ faces.
Post started.
And now I have to go find the thread. What else could you possibly do but graciously accept and move on? Haha.
Find it! I just posted this morning there that I missed you 🙂
Damn Wendy, you get so many “I think my boyfriend & his sister are secretly fucking” letters. What is up with these people??
I’m pretty sure that thought has never crossed my mind with anyone I’ve dated. It’s an extreme form of jealousy I think.
Creeeeeeeepy. Overall, way less of a trainwreck than the average Shortcuts. I’m a little sad.
I don’t know what’s more messed up: having your GF accuse you of having an incestuous affair and agreeing to her demands that you stop seeing your sister alone or legitimately believing that your BF wants to fuck his sister because she “looks like you.” Either way, this relationship is toast. MOA and aim higher next time.
I agree, except that there is no way these two are breaking up! He clearly enjoys being told what to do, and now that she is being told that she is creepy, they are going to stay in this wonderful relationship.
What the fuck! Where does ‘aim higher next time’ enter into this. This is on LW, not her bf. The ‘aim higher’, as in ‘next time pick somebody who is sane’ advice should be given to the bf, not to the LW. What does she really have to complain about? Her bf’s sister wants to lose weight? That seems the goal of 80+% of all young women, even the rail thin ones. The sister died her hair? How big a deal is that? Not much. It’s a huge hop-skip-and-leap-into-the-looney-bin from ‘my bf’s sister died her hair’ to ‘my bf’s sister wants my bf to bang her’. Even in the extremely unlikely event that this is what the sister is striving for, it would be clear from the effort to match LW, that the bf is in fact not banging his own sister. LW is more than a little creepy in her mindset. Plus totally controlling. The proper advice to LW is to let this poor schmuck go and see a shrink to get your head straightened out. ‘Aim higher’, indeed.
I think the implication is that they both need to aim higher…
Yep!!
yeah, I actually think Miss MJ just got worked up over the insanity of everything, & was actually talking to the bf in this situation? haha
The whole thing is just nuts. And sad. But yeah, BF can do better for sure.
Eh, both of these people sound a bit fucked in the head. BF for dating someone this nuts and going along with it, and GF for dating someone she truly believes would be banging his sister. Forget blame; both of these people can do better than this train wreck of a relationship and they both should strive to do better the next time.
I don’t get why this is such a thing! I feel like I’ve read this several times in different variations on this and other advice sites (I think my bf is banging his adult daughter, I think my bf is banging his sister, I think my bf is banging his mother, I think my bf is banging his niece). Is it really that common that it should be such a huge concern? Incest is still one of the most taboo of taboos in our society and I would think there might be more signs than just closeness and affection between male and female family members. By all means, nobody should go against their intuition…but if your intuition is telling you that your SO is cheating on you with another consenting adult who is also blood-related to him, you should be running the other way, not writing to an advice column to confirm that he’s a gross, crazy jerk who should reform and devote his life to you.
My sister-in-law was jealous of my relationship with my brother and we weren’t even the super close, hanging out as friends type of siblings. Just the normal help family out, make fun of each other kind of siblings – I think I saw him about once a month. I thought it was all shades of strange she had an issue because of all the women on the planet I am the only one she really didn’t have anything to fear from! I think these letters have less to do with the siblings and more to do with the girlfriends. And if any boyfriends are reading this – then run. Your girlfriend is going to cost you your family.
That is so beyond bizarre to me.
I can’t even imagine this. Anyone that’s brought into my family has to be ok with the fact that we’re close, and that we can be physically affectionate with each other without it being creepy. If they aren’t, they don’t stick around long (at least, they haven’t yet). I would be devastated if any of my brothers chose a girlfriend with crazy boundaries over us, and it’s not because I’m secretly “into” any of them (seriously, even writing that gave me the heebie jeebies).
Well she faked it until after they were married – before they were just some minor things we thought were odd – but then different culture/different way of doing things – we wrote it off. Then right after the wedding (that I planned, paid towards and put together for them) the real girl emerged. And boy did she ever suck. My mother sold her house to give them money so that they could all buy a bigger house and live together and then as soon as she did that, my sister-in-law wanted her out so she could bring her family over to live there. They stopped talking to her, cut her internet and cable and threatened to charge her rent if she didn’t leave. And I have the kind of mother that sacrificed everything for her children and isn’t intrusive into her children’s lives and just wants to help them however she can. It’s been years and she still cries about it.
But the silver lining is that when I saw how my then boyfriend treated my mother (offered to drive up an hour each way every week so he could drive her to church (since they lived in the middle of nowhere) even though he isn’t Catholic, and would take me grocery shopping for her once a week and to drop it off to her and visit – and would even secretly pay for her groceries and would sneak her her favourite chocolates at checkout) it made me want to marry him based on that alone. Now we all live together in a beautiful Victorian house with a huge garden for my mom to play in and everyone gets along like real family should – my husband already lost both his parent so he loves having my mom around and they conspire against me all the time. If my brother wasn’t such an ass and not married to someone evil then maybe I wouldn’t have the life I have now. That is just how I have to think about it. Still sucks she was evil and he was a jackass to go along with it since we certainly weren’t raised that way though. But oh well. Like I said – when you date a woman that has any of those type of tendencies – even just hints of them – then run – run fast and run far.
What is the story with your brother and SIL now? Is she still wacko?
Yep – though I have nothing to do with either of them anymore.
That’s so sad that it has to be that way 🙁 Obviously, I totally agree that you should have nothing to do with them after what they did to your mom, but it just hurts my heart that they would treat your mom that way.
thanks Bethany – mine too… though my mom is really excited and happy about her first grandchild on the way so that helps some!
It sounds like a perfect situation for the new addition to have a doting grandmother around!
Oh the description of how your boyfriend treats your mom makes my heart swell!
Mine too. Whenever he irritates me I think about how good he is to my mom and then I’m usually over whatever it was. He takes her to all her doctor and dentist appointments that I don’t even know anything about so she won’t have to take the bus – it really is adorable.
I am so sorry, that sounds so awful. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you and your mom to have a brother/son who would allow his wife to treat you that way. But your husband sounds like a real winner, and your mom is lucky to have you both!
thanks hon. 🙂
I just read the first line as “Well she farted” instead of “Well she faked”.
Too much game of thrones. That shit gets in your head. If my bf’s sister wasn’t in a different state I might think something was happening. They do look alike and have inside jokes about their parents and shit. Creepy.
I’m kidding by the way, but still too much GoT.
You know, I’ve never encountered this with a guy I’m dating. But I definitely get creepy vibes from my best friend’s boyfriend and his sister. More so from her. Like she wants to discuss his sex life in detail with us. And she was upset when she found out he has never had sex with someone in her apartment. What person wants their sibling to fuck people in their bed? There’s just other little things she does that are odd to me. My friend didn’t notice at all though.
They are like the Friend’s episode “The One with the Inappropriate Sister”, if that gives more clarification.
Whenever I come across people who have weird jealousy issues regarding family members it creeps me out not just because of thinking that your SO might want to bang their relatives. It makes me think that if you think they want to do that, you’ve probably thought about having sex with relatives as well.
LW1: Like Bethany said only do it if you are living alone, or have talked to the people you are living with first, but besides that it really isn’t a big deal, so just go ahead and do it.
LW2: His sister just really likes you, and you should be flattered, and not creepy, but you chose to make this creepy for some reason. They only other problem I have is that if your boyfriend agreed to your stupid request then you either have him so whipped, and scared that he will do whatever you say, or he secretly does want to touch his sisters boob. I’m going with the first option though. STOP BEING SO CREEPY AND CONTROLLING!
LW:3 Honestly just deal with it, it happens to every single person in a relationship.
LW2 made me crack up. Aren’t there basically 3 hair color options? And don’t most people try to lose weight, or at least be in better shape? LW2, I think everyone on the planet Earth is trying to be like you. I’d be freaking out if I were you.
haha i was thinking the same thing! 1) who isn’t trying to be thinner? 2) blonde, brunette, or red… haha. maybe she’s trying to be like betty, meghan, or joan?
Nobody should want to be Betty. NOBODY.
you kniw what i have brown hair, so maybe the bf’s sister is trying to be like me? that’s it
About te key, I think that’s a “step” that happens accidentally. Like if you know he’s coming back to your apartment before you, you say “hey take that spare key because I might be late” and then he takes it and then later on you say “oh you still have that spare? can you use that to get my [whatever] because i forgot it…” and then soon it just becomes “his” key and not your “spare.” voila! right?
Alsso i think i broke my finger last night pkaying kvkball . im typing with one hand right now. my comments today will be … not verbose.
kvkball?
kickball. ouch
get it together Addie.
It hurts so bad. Thank goodness it’s on my ring finger, which gets absolute;y no action. But it’s my right hand so even moving the mouse and … well, these letters require my right hand ring finger: l.o
i guess just those three – not so bad. but OUCH mother fucker it hurts
here’s my deep thought for the day: it’s really hard to move your other fingers but not contract he muscles in your ring fringer. fingers are on a “one for all, all for one” system. know what i mean.? even when i’m just flicking someone off the ring finger wants in on the action and tries to bend. well that fucking hurts! how can i go back to the way it was before i tried to catch the ball by sticking all my fingers at it as it flew toward my face, eh? EH? I’M IN PAIN AND I AM NOT HAPPY!
I NEED MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! classic, sue jones? anyone in mom jeans?
Unrelated, but yesterday I was typing something for our lawyer and he instructed me to add another space after a period. I was going to say something, but decided it wasn’t worth it (plus it was close to 5, and I just wanted to go home!)
I am in mom jeans, Sweetie. Do you think you should go to the doctor? It reminds me of when I fell and broke two knuckles on my right hand and had annoying pain practically all the time for months. But yours might be something that can be fixed, so can you have somebody (a professional! not just some random person) look at it? I am sorry it hurts.
Go the drug store and get a finger splint so you can’t move it.
Wrap it to your other finger! that’s what the doctor will do anyways.
LW2, seriously, the woman is trying to get healthy and dyed her hair. Now, if she’d gotten plastic surgery to make her face look just like yours, that would be creepy and you might have a leg to stand on. But if my partner ever told me I wasn’t allowed to spend time with my brothers alone (two of whom, gasp!, have the same hair color he does!), they’d be out the door before he could even finish that sentence. You’re absolutely going to lose this guy, but his sister won’t be the reason.
LW1: Giving him a key is a big statement that you want him in your life in a large way. Looking down the road, if things get sticky your landlord can easily change the locks. In the short term, GO FOR THE GOLD!
LW2: Read your own letter.
Regarding LW2, I think some women just can’t stand the idea that another woman plays an important role in their bf’s life, but they don’t have enough insight into themselves to realize what the issue is. So, they project that jealously onto the sister in weird ways. I think it’s an extreme insecurity thing.
Okay, that makes sense. Some people really don’t have the emotional intelligence (or the words?) to differentiate between basic jealousy (over the fact that someone else is playing a large role in his/her S/O’s life) & actual sexual competitiveness.
It’s sad but true! I think in many cases that’s why therapy doesn’t work for some people. You try to talk to them about their own role in how their life is going, but it’s never their fault. In their mind, there’s always outside circumstances that get in the way. Unfortunately, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
These are the types that always “hate drama” too. No self-awareness going on there!
This Friday is surprisingly not too Facepalmy (with the exception of LW2).
LW1, I personally think 5 months is too soon to give someone a key, it is still early in the relationship and you may wind up regretting it. What’s your rush? Just enjoy the relationship and let the key thing happen naturally.
LW2, grow the hell up.
LW3 , WWS.
I agree about the key. Unless LW1 and her boyfriend have encountered a lot of situations where he needed a key, then I think it’s too soon to arbitrarily give him one just for being her boyfriend. She can always make extra copies of the key and hang on to them if they’re needed later.
LW 3, WWS is probably true for friends, but may not be true for close family– at least that was my experience. I’m also assuming that most close family that ask this question are engaged/married themselves. My advice is to turn the question back on them– ask them how they knew it was time to get engaged/married. Most people I’ve met enjoy talking about themselves and their decisions.
Actually, I think giving someone the key to your place is a big deal. You’re trusting that he won’t run off with all your stuff when you’re gone or read your journal or anything. (This happened to me and it brought all kinds of weirdness because he couldn’t handle what was written in there – which had nothing to do with him.) If you trust him that much, then go for it. If he has a problem with boundaries, then don’t.
I don’t think that giving someone a key has to turn into some huge ceremony or something, but I do think that it does mean something. You don’t give your key to just anybody, and the fact that the LW is asking about it reflects that society does sort of treat it as a big deal. I think everyone agrees that it’s best NOT to make a huge thing out of it and maybe let it come out of natural need, but you have to realize that when you give a key to someone, they may assume there’s a certain amount of meaning to it.
As for LW2, if the only thing stopping your boyfriend and his sister from going at it was you supervising his visits, why would you even want to be with him? Honestly, you sound like a crazy person.
I think giving someone a key is a big deal in general but it doesn’t have to be. If you are giving a key because it truly makes everything much more convenient then I don’t see it as big of a deal and maybe 5 months isn’t too soon in this case. But if you’re giving a key so that your boyfriend can feed your dog or take care of something at your place every now and then, then I think it’s a bigger deal and shouldn’t be done with just anyone.
I had a roommate in college who gave her boyfriend a key to our dorm room. Somehow she got an extra copy and decided it was a great idea. He was annoying, a slob, and never did dishes/cleaned up after her and him would make huge elaborate meals just for the two of them. I am bitter about this, still.
LW2- WHA? Wowser.
LW3- welcome to being in a relationship. Once you get married, you get kid questions. Once you have kids, people want to know when you are having more. WELCOME TO NOSY PEOPLE. They are apart of life. I like to tell these kind of people completely false and inaccurate information. Example: People like to ask me who my daughter’s father is. He is not involved. Only 3 people know who he is. I usually just tell people who won’t stop pestering me that it is Stephen Colbert and I bought his super sperm pac at Walmart. Usually keeps them at bay.
LW1). Many on here seem oddly casual about their keys…
LW2). Really, LW? So the reason every other women in america resembles a cow is that they simply all fear looking too much like their brother’s hot girlfriend? Or maybe, they are just being courteous? Okay. Good to know. Are all the chubby hubbies doing this, too? And since nearly everyone in the U.S. is pushing maximum density — there is this need to get fatter and fatter… Gotta be more Jabba than your siblings piece of ever expanding ass… Okay. Right. That explains America’s rising obesity rate as well as anything, I guess…
LW3). Wendy nailed this. Though really… If nobody ever asked — you’d then probably write in lamenting the fact that nobody takes you or your relationship seriously. “My boyfriend is fantastic! We are soooo in love! Sure, the white picket fence is YEARS away… But nobody ever even asks us if we want to one day get married! Its like they see no future for us!? Ever?!?!? Help. I feel so disrespected…” Thus is human nature. All anybody REALLY wants to do IS complain…
LW1). Many on here seem oddly casual about their keys…
LW2). Really, LW? So the reason every other woman in america resembles a cow is that they simply all fear looking too much like their brother’s hot girlfriend? Or maybe, they are just being courteous? Okay. Good to know. Are all the chubby hubbies doing this, too? And since nearly everyone in the U.S. is pushing maximum density — there is this need to get fatter and fatter… Gotta be more Jabba than your siblings piece of ever expanding ass… Okay. Right. That explains America’s rising obesity rate as well as anything, I guess…
LW3). Wendy nailed this. Though really… If nobody ever asked — you’d then probably write in lamenting the fact that nobody takes you or your relationship seriously. “My boyfriend is fantastic! We are soooo in love! Sure, the white picket fence is YEARS away… But nobody ever even asks us if we want to one day get married! Its like they see no future for us!? Ever?!?!? Help. I feel so disrespected…” Thus is human nature. All anybody REALLY wants to do IS complain…
LW3-I dated my guy for 9 1/2 years before getting married. We got that question a lot, especially from family. We used to say, “July 3rd, but we don’t know what year yet.” it worked great and we didn’t have to do “save the date” cards because everyone did it by habit.
Did number #2 remind anyone else about that episode of friends where the guy Rachel was dating had a super weird relationship with his sister? Where Rachel tried to explain it but it sounded normal (and she sounded paranoid) but it totally wasn’t (taking baths together as adults as if it was 100% normal and every day occurrence, etc.) Not that the LW2s reasons are valid, but I like that episode!
Also LW2, even if you are correct that she’s trying to emulate you specifically, and not just losing weigh generally or dying her hair a generic color, that really is just a compliment. We model people who we want to be like, or who we think highly of. Even if she is thinking “I wish I could look like John’s sister — she’s so pretty and put together” — that doesn’t (necessarily or even probably) convey anything untoward. It may annoy you and it might be “unhealthy” as in her self-esteem levels, but it isn’t “unhealthy” like SWF or incestuous.