Shortcuts: “My Fiancé Got Another Woman Pregnant!”
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
At 29, you have more than a dozen years of fertility left, which is more than enough time to find a decent man — NOT the guy who cheated on you when you were planning a wedding and then got someone else pregnant — to settle down and have babies with. MOA.
If, after a couple more months together, you still think of your ex-boyfriend when you say your new boyfriend’s name, then you aren’t over your ex as much as you’d like to be and you should probably take a break from dating anyone and maybe see a therapist to help you deal with any lingering feelings surrounding your father’s death and your ex’s betrayal. In the meantime, why don’t you give your new boyfriend a nickname, if not one you call him to his face, one you list him under in your phone so when he calls or texts you don’t have a heart attack thinking it’s your shitty ex.
And for another twist I just found out I’m pregnant. I haven’t told him yet. At lunch today my brother made a joke about me being pregnant and my boyfriend responded: “Well, that would suck to have two kids on the way at once. I don’t want two kids.” Now I don’t even want to tell him about the baby. A part of me just wishes it would go away. I have endometriosis so it’s hard to get pregnant, and the doctors told me it would be a miracle in my condition. Yet here it is and I don’t feel lucky at all. What should I do? — Not Feeling the Miracle
You’re 18 and if you aren’t in a stable relationship with a loving partner who wants to help you raise a child and you are unable to care for a child on your own, I would suggest you seriously consider not keeping the baby. Whatever you do, don’t think a baby is the secret ingredient to making your relationship successful; if anything, the stress of having an unwanted baby at such a young age will make a relationship that is already rocky much, much more challenging. That you got pregnant so easily bodes well for your future chances to get pregnant again, when you’re ready to be a mother.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
I was having a bit of a crappy morning today and now I am just grateful that my life is not as chaotic as the LWs.
LW1 – no matter what, your fiance is going to have an 18 year relationship with this woman. She and her child are going to be a permanent (and expensive) fixture in your life. Dump him please.
LW2 – I imagine that you will grow to associate your current BF with name rather than your shitty ex. I agree with Wendy that a nick or pet name might be nice.
LW3 – You are sending a lot of anger towards this girl who is in a very similar position to you. She was dating your BF at the time and now is dealing with an unexpected pregnancy with the added complication of unknown paternity (though it sounds like your BF is pretty convinced that the baby is his). I would seek out some professional help and then sit down and talk to you BF.
I always feel guilty for this, but it’s time to admit that one of the reasons I love advice columns is that they remind me I have it better than some others.
I had two bfs in with the same name, where I had negative associations with the first one. Give him a nickname when you’re talking about him and in your phone (mine was just a totally other man’s name that my friend picked when we were trying to have a conversation and it kept getting confusing who we were talking about). Eventually, my bf started being the first association with his name, and the nickname became a thing of the past. (Note: I did tell him about it. If you think it’s too pathetic or whatever to say you have bad associations with the name, you can white lie it and tell him that it is more confusing, because for me, it really was, as the old bf was still in the circle of friends.)
LW1- MOA.
LW2- This makes me sad. I have a friend who went through something similar. He really damaged her, and he has a very common name, and every time she hears it, it breaks her heart a little. I hope things get better for you.
I’ve got nothing useful for LW3.
USE BIRTH CONTROL! should be the title here.
And yeah LW1- you can’t stop a guy from having a relationship with his child. It shouldn’t work and is a demonstration of having little sense and no caring.
LW2- A month of dating isn’t that long. If you have the problem after six moa.
LW3- you guys should really use birth control… Get tested, decide what to do about the baby, staying with this guy is probably a bad and unlikely idea. And don’t slut-shame other girls for having multiple sex partners. Maybe health-shame for not using protection but you don’t seem to care that your boyfriend has slept with more than one person.
I love shortcuts but it always makes me so sad about the state of the world…
Thank you, I was thinking the same thing! It’s not that difficult to keep from getting pregnant. I know, I know, accidents happen but I’m beginning to think that there is either a serious lack of sex education or these aren’t really accidents.
Medically speaking, I think Wendy’s advice to LW3 is probably unwise. This really could be the LW’s last shot at successful pregnancy. Endometriosis can be very nasty and progressive.
It’s so different from person to person that it’s hard to say if she’ll ever get pregnant again, but even so, does the possibility of not having another chance mean that she should have a baby when she’s completely not ready for it? I personally don’t think it’s worth it.
Plus there are other options for kids
Agreed, @theattack! The potential child’s welfare is really what’s at stake here. Honestly, if she can’t get pregnant easily when she’s older, there are other options such as adoption and surrogacy. If she has a kid now when she is still practically a kid herself, and unable to care for it in a stable and loving environment, the child is the one who will lose, and that is not fair. If she can’t face the idea of abortion, she should talk to someone about placing the baby for adoption.
This !
Honestly, if LW3 NEVER gets pregnant again… Well… Frankly that might be best for all of mankind.
Mark, how do you feel about North West? 🙂
Exactly. Just because you were “lucky” enough to get pregnant against the odds does not mean this is an ideal time to have a baby by any means. Especially when the father has another baby on the way too. You would likely be signing up for single parenting with little child support. Not impossible, but you have a lot of growing up to do and a very hard road ahead if you choose to keep the baby.
This could also be the LW’s last shot at becoming a financially stable adult with any sort of future and not being tied down to a loser boyfriend.
yes! this is the perfect comment for LW3
Yes endometriosis can cause infertility, but having a baby because it might be your last chance is terrible advice under these circumstances. And I know anecdote isn’t data, but I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 19, was severe enough that I needed laser surgery twice by 24, and was told I would almost definitely have fertility problems. Yet I got pregnant at 29 after one episode of unprotected sex, and 3 years later conceived natural twins in about 4 months of trying.
I have two friends who have endometriosis and they both managed to get pregnant without issue, much like the LW3. Now, I’m not a doctor, but one thing that was common for all three of these circumstances – the doctors told the woman that it would be miracle if they got pregnant. As such, while I don’t know what LW3 did, I know that both of my friends figured that meant that they didn’t need to use birth control because “the doctors said they couldn’t get pregnant.” While I understand that doctors have a responsibility to tell their patients the truth about their condition, it does seem that telling both of my friends (and possibly LW3) that “it was a miracle if they could get pregnant” got them into a sticky situation – pregnant and positive that it was a miracle that could never happen again – so they “HAD to keep the baby because it couldn’t happen again.” Seems like this situation ends up playing out a lot…
Add Amybelle’s story to the list of people that have been told this.
I was thinking this too. A doctor telling you that it’s unlikely you can get pregnant does not mean you should stop using some form of birth control. ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE NOT READY TO BE A PARENT.
I think doctors need to stop using the word “miracle” and also realize that even people who have a supposedly low chance of getting pregnant still may not want an unexpected baby.
I know someone else who has the exact same story! The whole “miracle” to get pregnant. She had sex with a guy who was cheating on his gf (with her), and she wasn’t using birth control because she didn’t think she could get pregnant. Welllll she did. And then she had another baby a year later. Why do doctors tell people that stuff???
Also to add, the reason she didn’t get an abortion with the first (born from cheating) baby is that she thought it was a miracle she got pregnant and it wouldn’t ever happen again.
I also have a friend who was told she would be unlikely to conceive due to endometriosis and had tried with her partner for years with no success. So she really believed it was not going to happen for her. They broke up and in time she found someone else and they now have 2 lovely little boys born almost within a year of each other! So either her first partner had fertility issues (he refused to get tested, assuming it was her – no wonder they broke up!) or her now-partner is really really fertile haha. Point being there are many cases where a woman believes it will be difficult or impossible to get pregnant and it’s not nearly as hard as they think. There are so many options if the LW wants a child when she is ready and finds it is problematic to get pregnant again.
For LW2. I think it’s completely understandable that this new guy’s name bothers you. My first love broke my heart years ago. He has a relatively common name, and any time I hear it I immediately think of him. I don’t think it means I’m not over him. He just had a huge impact on my life and I’m not sure I’ll ever completely disassociate that name with him.
I think Wendy gives great advice in terms of trying to give him a nickname. Just try to make it a nickname that comes naturally. Not one that you force. Definitely change his name in your phone to something else. Even if it’s just his last name.
A previous commenter made a really good point. Try to imagine that you will associate this name with your new boyfriend rather than the crappy ex. When his name comes up, replace any memory of your ex with a new memory. For instance, when you hear his name, think about the amazing date you went on. Or something special you did with this new guy. You need to train your mind to think different thoughts.
This might sound silly, but you could put a hair elastic on your wrist and any time you think of your ex, snap the hair elastic on your wrist. Stuff like that trains your mind to think differently.
Don’t you hate it when some idiot ruins a name for you for life? I hate that.
Hilarious.
My first real boyfriend was Aaron Joshua and went by Josh. He went to UT Knoxville and drove a green wrangler. I later dated a Joshua Heath who went by Heath. We was from TN and also drove a jeep when we first started dating. This still cracks me up.
There are a bunch of female names I hate because I hate the people I first knew with that name. Don’t even get me started on Stephanie, she was the meanest little girl in elementary school.
Ugh, Olivia is my female name I hate. This trampy one was sleeping with the abusive ex mentioned below for like a year of our relationship.
ktfran- oddly enough my now husband’s first name is the middle name of the abusive ex. It took a little getting used to.
Yeh, I more have issues with some female names. I dislike almost every Ashley I’ve ever met (sorry for any ashleys on DW!). And Stephanie makes me think of Full House. And we all know she was an obnoxious little dork.
I was fine with Stephanie, but hated Michelle
I had a really mean supervisor named Glenda. Luckily, the chances of that happening again are slim to none.
But really. Glenda.
The good witch?
I had a mean manager named Gabrielle and I LOVED that name and now I hate it.
How rude! 😉
Don’t even get me started on Kimmy. As a Kim, no one can call me this, ever. Which is great fun when I have a mother in law who likes to make up nicknames/add ie to anyone’s name.
Yes! Heather, Jessica and Ryen. I hate all those names and have told people not to name their daughters them lest she be a bitchface.
She slept with FIVE guys. LW3, five men is not a lot to sleep with. And she would not be the only person who had questionable paternity for a pregnancy. Oh, and just because you think you have a slim chance of getting pregnant does not mean you shouldn’t use condoms. Clearly your boyfriend didn’t with this other woman or with you, so right now your boyfriend gave you anything and everything the other girl, and those 4 other guys had. Don’t keep this baby, please. You are clearly not mature enough to raise a child and neither is your boyfriend.
I mean obviously everyone’s standards are different, but 5 guys with in the window of getting pregnant? Which can’t doctors narrow that down to like 2 or 3 weeks when conception happened? I mean that’s a lot, IMO.
Now 5 guys in general, like even over a year- not bad. But unprotected sex with 5 different men with in a 2ish week window? Eck.
I just think it’s slut-shaming. Like who are we to judge how many men she slept with in a week or two week window. If it was consensual sex then who cares. Obviously she and these men weren’t being responsible about it, and it’s not something I would personally do, but I don’t think we need to judge her for how many men she slept with.
Well I think we can all agree the unprotected part was incredibly irresponsible, on both the pregnant lady and the BF. And that should be an issue for everyone.
UGH I absolutely hate the conversation of numbers. There are so many different factors that go into the number of people someone has slept with. Furthermore, the pervading idea that a woman is a slut if she has slept with more than X men is just unfair. I
really think you should be judging the woman for the number of men she slept with during that time period. For being a dumbass for not protecting herself? Yes. But otherwise I think that’s just slut shaming
I think to me the bigger factor was the unprotected-ness multiplied by so many different partners. That is a lot of irresponsibility going around. (Also, LW3 it might be a good idea to get yourself checked out since you know your partner is having unprotected sex with another partner, who is having unprotected sex with others.)
Also, I was speaking in terms of MY standards, and said everyone has different standards. Which is 110% fine! But I do believe everyone should use protection.
judging anyone on any standard is slut shaming. Even if you say I only want to have sex with the one person I marry so two people in a lifetime is a lot in my opinion, that is slut shaming. The unprotected part is very bad. That wasn’t the main part of your post though.
It’s not slut shaming to have an opinion. It’s slut shaming to say that she’s promiscuous or has too much sex or actually saying she’s a slut. There’s nothing wrong with saying “This is what I want for my life, so X sounds like a lot for me.”
If your opinion is “eck’ then it is
The eck was a bit unnecessary I agree. But I was saying by my standards, not that the girl was.
What do you think slut shaming is if it isn’t saying someone slept with a lot of people in your opinion?
Saying that she’s a slut? Degrading her? Calling names?
I mean really am I not allowed to have my own standard and share it? Even in the context of someone else’s life.
I don’t think I can engaging in this conversation. I’m just going to be attacked for like three sentences stating MY OWN OPINION ON MY OWN PERSONAL STANDARDS. Not that standards everyone else should be held to, which I clearly said in the original post.
GG, You just can’t win lately. FWIW, I have a big problem with actual slut shaming, and I don’t think what you said (sharing your own standard) was slut-shaming at all.
I don’t want you to feel picked on because I do get where you’re coming from. But it reminds me of Christian people will say that, “I’m not homophobic – I just think being gay is a sin”. Just because you say you’re not slut shaming doesn’t mean you aren’t. And “sharing your standard” is kind of the same thing as, “I’m just sharing the love of Jesus with others so that they can feel love in their heart”. Okay maybe that’s a weird analogy, but it just reminds me of that whole way of thinking.
And I’m kind of hypocritical because I know for a fact if I got cheated on, and I found out the girl had sex with 5 guys – my mind would probably immediately hate her more just because she was fucking without regard. And I know I would think – what the fuck the other 4 weren’t enough you had to bang my boyfriend too. But I’m hoping if all of these hypothetical things did happen to me I would realize it was never about the girl. She wasn’t in a relationship. My boyfriend was. She can do what she wants. He will always be the one that did the bad deed.
““I’m not homophobic – I just think being gay is a sin.”” That IS shaming a person. Saying “homosexuality isn’t for me, but to each his own” is not shaming
If I said “well she’s a dirty whore for banging so many dudes” that would be shaming. Me saying, “I personally wouldn’t do that, but everyone can have their own standard”, is not.
@IWTTS, ““I’m just sharing the love of Jesus with others so that they can feel love in their heart”.”
The difference here is that GG is not trying to convert the girl to being a prude. GG is just saying, to other adults who are not even involved in the situation, that for her having sex with five guys in two weeks would be a lot. She’s not saying to the LW’s Bf’s hookup that it was a lot and she should consider the value in keeping her legs closed.
Props to Iwanna for using the phrase “fucking without regard”
But why even bring it up? How is it helpful to share your standards (or love of jesus) with the world if it’s not to silently judge?
Because we all share absolutely everything on DW. We just talk too much about absolutely everything. This is a place where conversation explodes. I just think everyone is reading into GG’s comment too much.
IWTTS, because the original comment I was responding to was “five men is not a lot to sleep with”. Which is THAT posters personal opinion. I had a different opinion and offered it up, since the LW3’s views where apparently more in line with mine. I just wanted to point out it’s okay to have that standpoint, that 5 is too many for yourself.
So the original commenter can share her opinion that 5 is not a lot, but I can’t share mine that it is a lot?
@Iwanna To your point “But it reminds me of Christian people will say that, “I’m not homophobic – I just think being gay is a sin”” not all Christian people believe or do this. I’m Christian and I’m VERY pro marriage equality and believe that it’s A-OK in Gods eyes. I also am very pro-sex and don’t believe in slut shaming at all (I’d be one to talk, I wasn’t a virgin when I got married).
Also, I don’t think GG was slut shaming, I think she just had a reaction to the number and said what she thought. I feel like this is one of those rabbit holes that anything could be construed as slut-shaming (like talks on feminism – look at the forum!, ableism etc.). I mean in my head when I heard that number I was like “Wow” but it was in the same context as if someone told me they ate 5 hotdogs, had 5 cats or jumped from an airplane 5 times, it’s not a number I’m used to, but it doesn’t mean that number is wrong.
Well if you are not one of those Christian people then great – the comment doesn’t apply to you. But I know you know people like that. Because I know Christians like that. They hide behind the bible as an excuse to be racist/homophobic/sexist/whatever. And I guess I shouldn’t have brought religion into it – but it just seemed to apply. I mean I had a pastor try to explain to me one time how having my husband be “in charge” of the marriage was actually a good thing that would benefit me! How lucky! Fuck that guy. Wait we’re getting off topic now…
@Iwanna I get it, and I do know people like that (they piss me off like none other because they’re really being un-Christian by being judgy like that). Anyways, I felt like your point was saying all Christians do X, when we know that stereotyping a group can get us into trouble.
I know that you don’t think that, but just thought I had to point it out. We really know that it’s those Catholics that are the problem. eck! (haha total joke, I have many Catholic friends who are pro-marriage equality as well).
This.
I think there’s also a good chance this guy has made shit up and said there were 5 other guys it could have been even if there weren’t. Then he gets to talk about how slutty this other girl is and that she’s crazy and that’s why she keeps messaging me, and not that he’s a shitty boyfriend who is still talking to another girl after he got back together with the girlfriend.
Just want to highlight that I’m not slut-shaming this other girl. Just that the guys is trying to put that bug in his girlfriends ear.
5 guys in a 2 week period is more than most people would have in a 2 week period. No?
I don’t think that’s slut shaming. Its not saying its bad, its just admitting that it is a lot.
Honestly I wonder if it was in a 2 week period, or if just because it’s high school the LW happens to know that the girl slept with 5 people in general and hasn’t thought about how narrow the window for conception must be.
yeh or it could be 5 people over a month, or two months. Sometimes 18 year olds aren’t the best at sex-ed which is really unfortunate but true.
Plus how likely is it that the LW knows the exact due date of the baby and the exact dates the other girl slept with these 5 guys. I doubt there are actually five guys that could be the father, which is probably why the boyfriend seems to already believe it is his.
I mean if you read the way it’s written- it reads she slept with 5 guys, including the BF, that could be potential fathers. “she slept with FIVE guys, including my boyfriend. We have no idea who’s the dad.”
I think saying 5 guys in 2 weeks is absolutely slut shaming. You can’t just say, “oh it’s not slut shaming – it’s just my opinion that that’s too many” – that’s the definition of slut shaming. The number should never be discussed. Is she irresponsible – hell a fucking idiot – for having unprotected sex with 1 guy or 5 guys? Yes. But a slut? I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Frankly I wish more people would get laid more often. And if you’re not in a relationship the only people you CAN have sex with are people you’re not in a relationship with. Sooo more power to her. The world is extremely uptight. Everyone needs to quit worrying about others’ sex life. The more the merrier. Get some.
But where did I ever say slut? I said “that’s a lot, IMO.” Not she’s a dirty whore or anything. Just FOR ME, MYSELF that’s a lot.
Yeah but you have to admit that saying ‘that’s a lot’ is slut shaming. That’s saying that is too many people for her to be having sex with. I know that it’s “in your opinion” but your opinion can be slut shaming. Does that make sense? I am just uncomfortable with the idea that *I* could put my standards on another person about how they live their life. I probably wouldn’t have sex with 5 guys – but I am happy that she’s doing whatever she wants and getting some action. Frankly I’m almost impressed. I don’t know that I could find 5 guys to have sex with me in a year. It’s pretty amazing.
You could definitely find 5 guys to have sex with you in a year. I’m sure you could do that easy in three months if you wanted to.
What does it say about me that I’m oddly flattered that you think I could get 5 guys to bang me in a year?
You’re so full of shit saying you don’t think you can get 5 guys in a year. I’m calling BS. We’ve all seen what you look like, and know what kind of a girl you are. (hahahaha, as I wrote that, I realized how it would be taken! what I mean is that you are cool and fun/easy going/day drinker). I don’t doubt for a minute you could land 5 guys in a week.
Haha I did laugh when I saw the we know what kind of girl you are. It’s fine. I’m comfortable with my skankbombness. Now I feel like it’s almost a challenge. How many people can a bang in a week. Stupid man friend is really being a cock block lately.
Well you have to consider that this girl is 18 and in high school. Wider social circle and easier to find people to sleep with. It was so easy to find someone to bang in college. If I was single now? probably not so much. Plus I think I have higher standards now (I hope)
So, how is you saying “I probably wouldn’t have sex with 5 guys” any different than me saying “that’s a lot, IMO.”?
I didn’t put my standards on her. I said for me it’s a lot. And the first sentence was “obviously everyone’s standards are different”!
BOOM! Exactly!
One is passing judgement and the other isn’t
Really?
Yes. Iwanna could not want to sleep with 5 guys for numerous reasons. Maybe she only sleeps with guys she is going to marry or maybe sleeping with guys she isn’t in a committed relationship with isn’t fun for her or maybe she only sleeps with guys that look just like Alex Trebeck and there only happens to be 3 of those in the world, but none of those reasons pass any judgement on a woman who does sleep with 5 guys. Your statement did because it said that number was a lot by your standards.
I still fail to see how it is different. IWTTS “probably wouldn’t sleep with that many” and me saying that’s too many for me…I mean it’s the same kind of effect. If anything BOTH statements are slut shaming. It’s not one or the other.
I don’t get how the reason behind her saying she wouldn’t is relevant…I have a reason behind why that’s too many for me… You’re argument literally makes zero sense to me.
Because your reason is “it’s a lot” her reason is not stated. I can’t really state it any clearer
Actually IWTTS did not clearly state a reason in her original post, she just said “probably wouldn’t have sex with 5 guys” so no reason. For all we know it could be because of a number thresh hold. Or any number of reasons. Same with my statement that it’s “a lot”- that could solely be based on a numbers game, or a religious belief, or that I only sleep with people in even numbered pairs. I mean, ugh.
(IWTTS I’m really not trying to pick on you personally, I just fail to see how I’m the bad guy and your statement works the best, IMO.)
Hold up, I miss read. let me re-write so my point makes better sense…You don’t know my reason, even if I said “it’s a lot” – it could be a lot for a myriad of reasons. Not JUST quanity.
Ha I don’t know how to explain it and apparently Mack can’t either – but there is a difference. I think because deep down maybe everyone knows that I really am completely fine with her having sex with 5 guys. In fact I encourage it. Whereas I think we can all sense this undertone that you think her having sex with 5 guys is a bad thing. Correct me if I’m wrong.
You’re beyond wrong IWTTS. I don’t care anything about the number of people someone else is sleeping with. Really- fuck all you want. It has zero affect on my life.
But since the person who’s comment I was DIRECTLY replying too was offering up that FOR HER 5 isn’t a lot, I was offering up FOR ME 5 is a lot. I’ll put the question here again since no one replied above…
So the original commenter can share her opinion that 5 is not a lot, but I can’t share mine that it is a lot?
@gg your reason could be a number of things IN ADDITION to the number but the number is the problematic part.
Why is the number a problem though? I mean am I not allowed to set a number for myself? Really? Now I’m feeling just as judged as apparently I’m doing.
I was offering up that the number is a lot, IN MY OPINION for my own sex life, because the comment I was replying to said the number was not a lot. And both view are good. I brought it up because LW3 seemed, in my opinion, to be uncomfortable with that many partners and I thought her knowing that other people have the same view point- meaning her view point is legit- was a good thing. Because we’re all entitled to our own person views and standards for our own bodies and we can base them off of what ever arbitrary things we want. And every view is just as valid.
Lw3 was passing judgements on what was a large number for another person not for herself. She didn’t write in and say is it okay to have sex with 5 guys she wrote in saying another girl had had sex with 5 guys so you are making her feelings about slut shaming legit
I just don’t see it that way. And you can’t convince me to. No where did I say anything bad about another person’s choice, I just said for me it would be too much. Y’all are making a mountain out of a mole hill and it’s pretty ridiculous.
I really don’t think it is when GatorGirl was talking about her OWN standards and clearly stated that this girl is entitled to live by her own.
Because you saying that “that’s a lot” is making a general statement about how many people it is appropriate to have sex with. And we weren’t talking about you, so the simple fact that you brought up your own standards when talking about her life – means you are essentially putting your standards on her.
And now that paragraph is such a cluster fuck I’m lost, haha. But in my head I have a really good argument for why I think it’s slut shaming, but I guess we’ll never know it because I can’t write or speak correctly today.
But you said the same thing…you passed the same judgment in saying “I probably wouldn’t…” if anything you’re looking down on her just as much as I apparently am. (Which I think is a LOAD OF SHIT, if y’all can’t tell.)
I think I’m the one that said “I probably wouldn’t do it” but I meant that as someone goes bungee jumping, which I probably wouldn’t do, but I don’t give 2 shits if they do it since it doesn’t affect me. Does that make sense? I’m sorry you got totally attacked though that wasn’t my intent. As a personal note, I’ve probably had sex with 3 people in a two week time span. So I can understand how someone can not know who the father is.
I don’t see how saying “I probably wouldn’t do it” is any different than “that’s a lot, IMO.” To use your bungee jumping analogy- I might say “that’s crazy, IMO” but that doesn’t mean I’m judging or in this case slut shaming this person. Just that IN MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION FOR ME!!!!! it’s more than I’m comfortable with, for me. (Should I say for me again in case people do not understand this is for ME personally, not everyone else.)
I totally understand how things can happen and paternity isn’t know. It happens. I wasn’t saying the chick was less of a person for it or anything. Gah this spiraled out of freaking control per usual!
Saying ‘that’d be a lot for me’ is not slut shaming. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, well, not the most. People are allowed to say 5 is a lot for them. People are also allowed to say 300 is not a lot for them.
Okay but then explain to me why you think it’s a lot?
Because I am uncomfortable sharing my body with that many other people. But that’s probably shaming this girl, somehow right?
I don’t see what difference that makes, honestly. Its just a personal preference of how many men/women that one decides is an acceptable number for themselves.
Now, if you told me you slept with 10 guys last night and I said WHOA, that’s A LOT!, that’s slut shaming. I really do see a difference.
and impressive!
haha, very, very true.
I’m a lurker to the nth degree, and never thought anything I would say could ever compete with the amazing commentators on here, but I have to butt in now an stand up for GatorGirl. I think you are all missing her point, and it’s a good one.
We are allowed our opinions on this site, GG only offered her OPINION as is it regards to her life. There was no slut shaming at all. She was sharing her own opinion, as how it pertains to this situation. You all seem to have forgotten the original question. She is taken it literally that someone has done something that she might not agree with. Great! Fantastic! This is what I love about this website. You can express how you feel, and NOT feel threatened by it. She was only stating her opinion. Seriously, look at yourselves and think of how many times you may have waaaaay differently beliefs than what is deemed ‘ correct’.
But isn’t this all about giving advice in the best way you know how, or by your own beliefs and experience? Why is GG all of a sudden being picked out for giving her opinion? She flat out said, IMO…,
You all have your opinions, and they do differ, on soooooo many things. I may not even agree with GG’s opinion, but she is reduced to defending herself on something that is very personal, and had many right answers.
Shauni, you should comment more. I like you 🙂
I think the problem with the slut shaming culture is that a lot of people don’t realize that it is actually slut shaming. Obviously there is the overt “she’s a slut” statements. But statements saying “this is a lot in my opinion” also propagate the slut shaming culture
Is acknowledging that 5 people in 2 weeks is more than most people have considered slut shaming? I mean, isn’t it more than most?
Right on with your last paragraph.
Is slut shaming always bad? If someone (not the LW obviously) told the girl that she was irresponsibly sleeping with too many people, would that be terrible?
Thank you.
There is a difference between being irresponsible and being a slut and the problem is that often times they overlap. There is no problem with telling someone there are being irresponsible by not using protection but there is no need for the number to be brought in unless it is to show how the risk exponentially increases with increasing number of unprotected sexual partners. But the conversation of “you sleep with too many people” totally unreasonable. The conversation “you aren’t being safe” totally reasonable.
It’s like we’re sharing a brain today.
Best compliment ever
I felt that way last week when Wendy said I made a good point, haha.
I don’t know, a girl in high school sleeping with 5 guys in a two week period… there is probably something else going on and it probably IS too many for her own good. There’s a chance that she is a sexually enlightened free spirit who seeks out sex for her own pleasure, who respects herself and her sexuality. But the likelihood of that is a lot smaller than a girl who is having sex for the “wrong reasons” (by everyone’s standards, unless you think that having sex to make people like you and to derive your self worth is a “good reason”) where it isn’t healthy. So by saying “that’s kinda a lot” doesn’t necessarily mean “she’s a slut” but rather “this may be a sign of a situation which isn’t healthy/good for her.” Am I making assumptions and judging her sexual decisions? Yes, but isn’t that what we do here?
But why bother dissecting her reasons? She didn’t write in. So people commenting on the fact that it’s too many is dumb.
Because we never get off the subject on DW…
i for one never ever do.
GG: what other restaurants has your husband tried in chi?
Elly’s by the history museum, Mother’s Too in the Gold Coast. Um…that’s all I remember. Any recommendations in the Gold Coast area? On the cheaper since he has no job.
oh gawd those are horrible. ok, here are some places he can walk to, in no particular order:
1. Third Coast Cafe on Dearborn – one block from where your husband is staying;
2. Topo Gigio on Wells in Old Town – just a few blocks west of him
3. Twin Anchors (also in Old Town)
4. Lux Bar (in the viagra triangle)
5. Bella Luna – my mafia pizza place! – a little further south, corner of Dearborn and Superior just south if Chicago – but all walkable
6. Bricks – up Clark street just 5-6 blocks from the chi history museum; it’s cool b/c it’s down in the basement and it feels like the catacombs
7. Tiparo’s – sushi/thai just across the street from the musuem (right across from Latin) – i go there a LOT – the owner always says hi and gives me ice cream; i like places where they know your name
You don’t like Elly’s? I thought it was great when I was there. I sent him the list. Thanks!
Yes I think that’s slut shaming – and yes I think it’s bad. If you said – you are irresponsibly having sex – then fine! That’s a good comment to make. But there should never be a discussion about how many men is too many to have sex with. This world is so uptight. And honestly – I don’t mean to bring up sexism, but I’m going too. A guy would NEVER be told 5 girls was too many to have sex with in 2 weeks. Never ever eva. So I guess don’t be such a hater. She’s getting laid! Good for her. I legitimately wish everyone would get their rocks off more often. BUT I don’t think she’s doing it in a safe way, and for that we can lecture her. Wear condoms girl! They aren’t that bad.
I would 110% say the same sentence to a guy. That IN MY OPINION it’s too many people.
I guess I just think if my sister or whatever was pregnant at 18 after having unprotected sex with 5 different people I would tell her she was being irresponsible AND ask her why she felt the need to screw that many people. I would tell her that more partners, especially more stupid high school boy partners just means more of a chance to get syphilis or something. I would also say this to a brother if I had one. I think some people sleep around too much in high school. I still think they can be awesome people but really is it necessary to have that much irresponsible sex before you even leave your parents house.
I don’t really think it’s ever NECESSARY to have that much sex, but I bet it is a lot of fun. So I would just tell her to wrap it up and bang it out.
I think its the double impact I have issues with, I know people who slept with entire string sections in highschool, but were very responsible. I don’t think those girls are slutty and wouldn’t tell them their number is too high. It’s when accidental pregnancies happen that I get judgy, I should work on that.
It is “irresponsible” if they always use a condom?
Not that I want to jump into this whole slut shaming debate today; I really, really don’t! (& I actually came late to this whole thing, & it’s interesting to read after it’s already exploded. I legit can’t even form an opinion after reading all the back & forth.)
It’s fine don’t worry about forming your own opinion just agree with me! It’s Friday! That’s the one day a week I’m always right.
Um, if you told her the number of people she was sleeping with was irresponsible, yes that would be shaming. If you told her having unprotected sex was irresponsible, well that would just be a fact. It doesn’t matter how many people she has sex with so long as she is being safe about it. To focus on the number of people she sleeps with, or to tell her it is too many, is to shame her.
But see I think the number could be irresponsible if the reason she is seeking out so many partners is to fulfill some mental thing going on- like the more men she can get to sleep with her the more she’s worth or something. So the number would be a symptom of a larger problem with in her, but the number itself still an issue. If that makes any sense.
Okay lets not go down the rabbit hole of playing the “I’m just concerned about your mental health” card. That is ECK.
Why? Would you not say you were concerned about someone’s mental health if an issue like drug abuse was a symptom of a larger mental health issue?
When you say it about someone you’ve never met, who you know nothing about except what you’ve heard from someone who has a biased and negative view up, I think it’s not really genuine and is a bit concern trolly.
I
Yes.
I was more so speaking broadly, rather than about the other women in the 3rd letter.
It could be, or it could not be. It’s certainly higher than what most people do, and if it weren’t someone I knew personally, or someone I knew more about their life circumstances, I would feel comfortable using the context of their lives to make that assessment. What we have for this young woman is some rather unclear information that has been filtered through several people (the LW to us, and I assume from the bf to the LW). For all we know it could be the bf trying to cover his ass and lie. We know nothing about this woman, or the circumstances that prompt her to do what she’s been doing, so to judge the number of guys she sleeps with on number alone is shaming. Sorry, it is.
I’d say it’s ambiguous, frankly. It could mean anything from “She enjoys sex with multiple partners? What a harlot!” (a slut-shaming judgment) or “Unprotected sex with 5 people in 2 weeks? How could all five of them have conceivably gotten their test results back in time for her to know they didn’t have STDs?” (a reasonable health concern considering that we’re advising an LW who also seems to have unprotected sex with one of these partners), or “Unprotected sex with 5 people over two weeks? Surefire way to get pregnant” (an acknowledgment of the fertility of youth).
I don’t think it’s automatically slut-shaming.
You state your opinion by saying that you wish people would get laid more often. Can’t some people express the opinion that perhaps THEY PERSONALLY don’t want to be? I’m asexual. I just got married. My husband is my first sexual partner, and I’m 32. I’m his second sexual partner. ANY number more than one sounds like a lot to me, because I have no interest in sex beyond the occasional hormonal urge. Every one of my friends was sexually active by the time we left high school; I didn’t understand it, but I didn’t think they were sluts. I don’t consider my polyamorous little sister a “slut” because she’s had more partners than I have. I don’t know why you are attacking so hard about this.
Look, my husband would eat chocolate muffins for every meal if I let him (or if he let himself). I don’t understand that either. I don’t particularly care for chocolate unless I’m on the rag. I might worry about the dietary implications if he actually ate six or twelve or twenty muffins a day, but I wouldn’t think he was a bad person for doing so. To me it’s the same thing. I don’t understand wanting it; it is not a physical crave for me, and it doesn’t do much for me either. But I think other people can have the right to it whenever they want. So eat your twenty muffins, or have your five lovers in a year or a month or a week. Just go to the gym/wear a condom, in order to be safe and healthy about it.
I do think we are missing the context.
Kerrycontrary said that 5 guys is not a lot of guys for the pregnant girl to have slept with. The way she phrased it, it sounded like she meant: 5 guys in total, during the pregnant girl’s whole life.
GG pointed out that (it seemed to her) Kerry was misunderstanding what LW3 said, and that it was 5 guys in 2 weeks. So while we knew that to Kerry, 5 in total wasn’t a lot, we didn’t know whether Kerry would think the same thing about 5 in 2 weeks. And in GG’s opinion, it is, especially as it was unprotected.
It is unclear which way the LW3 meant it.
I do think the context is important, which I’ve tried to bring up.
I meant 5 guys isn’t a lot total (I could totally see a high school girl freaking out over 5 GUYS). I also don’t care if someone sleeps with 5 people in one day. Power to orgies/swinging/promescuity if that’s what you’re into.
Especially because she’s still in high school. Where are this girl’s parents?
I have a kid in high school (of legal age) and he’s between steadies. I don’t know how many partners he has/has had, but I know he’s sexually active. For all I know he could have had five partners over the course of five parties in two weeks. I am an involved parent but I don’t think his sexuality is my business.
The point, I think, that kerrycontrary was trying to make was that there is NO point in caring about the number of guys the girl slept with. Clearly she was irresponsible if she doesn’t know who the father is, but it’s nobody’s business whether she slept with 2 guys or 20.
I, personally, can’t imagine sleeping with 5 guys in 2 weeks, because honestly, where would I find the time?? But the reason people like Mackenzie and IWTTS are seeing this as slut shaming is because 1. people made it a point to say, NO, 5 guys IS a lot, when they could just as easily have left it alone. and 2. honestly, gg, you used the word “eck”. While you may not have consciously meant to say “she’s a gross slut for sleeping with 5 guys”, you clearly implied that.
Yea, bottom line is it makes no difference how many guys she’d been with.
Eck for me (You know, since I framed the whole post as a statement about me personally.). Not anyone else. I was saying I would be uncomfortable sleeping with that many people- not that other people should be, or that there is anything wrong with them doing so.
FOR ME, for my body, it’s uncomfortable. Everyone else get’s to decide their own comfort.
I just don’t get what’s the point of even saying it then. That girl isn’t even the focus of the letter, so why go out of your way to say ” well *I* would never sleep with 5 guys in a short span”.
Because the original comment I was replying to said 5 wasn’t a big deal, in their opinion. And if LW3 thought it was (5 being too much that is), she might like to hear someone else had the same view. Because both view points are legit.
Oh my gosh, GG. Everyone else CANNOT decide their own comfort level. Why would you even mention it? Don’t you know you can’t have your own opinion? You have to agree with everyone else or you are just so judgmental and shaming.
/s
Seriously, the fact that your post was being picked apart so much is ridiculous to me.
Haha, thanks. I needed a laugh after that slew of crazy.
I think you should just own it. We all have our opinions about what is good acceptable behavior, and we judge people who do deifferently. For gosh sakes we are all doing that right now, most of us think it isn’t acceptable to judge other people’s sex lives, and we are letting you know that. Hypocritical, yes, but it’s what I think and I have no problem telling you so.
If you think five partners in a short window of time is inappropriate, own it. You’ll get blowback, but you *already* are by trying to toe the line between “5 is too many for me but I’m not judging others”, so you might as well just be upfront. For you, five is too many and you’ll judge accordingly. Everybody has an opinion, and we’ll all have an opinion on your opinion, but as long as your not actively trying to control what others do, just keep on keeping on.
If another person tells me to fucking own something on DW, I’m seriously going to consider never coming back.
I’m not judging anyone. End of story.
Whoa, I wasn’t in attack mode I was just trying to say we all have our opinions and disagreements but we all have a right to them without digging into each other, sorry if it came off otherwise.
The frustrating thing is, I was making a comment on my personal life. That’s it. That got made into this huge big thing about how I’m slut shaming and have this “conservative” views on sex, blah blah blah. When NONE of it is true. People are putting words into my mouth.
I refuse to “own” something I did not say, and do not believe is true.
I think the comment came off as pretty hateful even if you didn’t intend it that way. It sounded like “Just admit that you’re a judgmental prude” rather than “it’s okay to have your opinion without being attacked for it.”
Exactly. (Also I didn’t say any of it!!)
Yea, everything you wrote is just a massive contradiction I think. Some of you misread what she wrote, attacked her for misreading and now you are telling her to own up to something she didn’t say. And then you say that she shouldn’t force her opinion on others, when she clearly isn’t.
For real.
I think that people take this slut-shaming opposition too far. Is it wrong? Yes. Do I think our society has built a culture that shames women for having set? Yes. Is it reasonable to expect a person to turn off all thoughts related to an issue, such as numbers of sexual partners? No.
Humans are complex. We are capable of having knee-jerk reactions as well as logical, conscious thoughts that differ, all at the same time. I have to admit that when I first read the letter, I also thought it was a lot of partners, but then my brain kicked in and I thought, “Hey, it’s wrong to judge someone on that. It’s not my business!”
THAT is what matters here. That we can logically understand what slut-shaming is and why it’s wrong. Not whether you were somehow born or raised in a way that makes you impervious to judgments on a topic.
In regard to your “humans are complex” paragraph—YES. I read something this week that was basically, “give other people credit for the same interior complexity you take for granted within yourself” & I think that’s SO important, all the time, & applicable to here, especially when we all get into these debates.
Gotta say, I slept with two guys in one week and felt like a slut. One of them was a fuck buddy I’m still friends with and the other was this guy I ended up dating for a few months. But I still felt bad about it. If one of my friends told me she felt like a slut I would say “you’re a consenting adult, you are in no way a slut.” But doesnt change my perception of myself. I don’t think it’s a “oh I have these standards for myself”, it’s that I am very critical of myself. So personsally 5 guys for me in a week would be a lot and I would judge myself very harshly. But not someone else
. But. I mean, I am like this with everything (not just sex) and have been for awhile.
OK –
LW1 – Seriously, Think that you could have 60-70 years left of your life. That is a long time to be with someone you can’t trust.
LW2 – I like the nickname thing. Like Tom or Tommy Or Jonathan or John. What about Lover?
Lw3 – Seriously, I resent you.
I think the nickname thing is interesting. My abusive asshole ex called me exclusively by one specific nickname. Like in 3 years I think he said my name 10 times. It was a pretty generic nickname, but to this day I still cringe when I hear it. The first time my now husband called me the nickname, with out knowing the history, I had basically a mental breakdown. He’s never said it again.
But yeah, nicknames can get scared too.
True. It can go either way but she can pick it. My husband calls me bunny because I hopped once when I was really excited. It has been a decade and I am still bunny. One person thought that was my name.
Can we call you Bunny from now on? Its much cuter than csp.
Cool, I like to change it up sometimes 🙂
My husband is Bear, and I am Pan, we NEVER address each other with our legal names, those are only used when referring to each other in conversation with a third person. Just last week I slipped up and called him by his real name, and he (playfully) gave me shit about it for the rest of the evening.
He’s actually given me a lot of nicknames, and enjoys coming up with new variations. Most of the time I’m Pan, but the other consistent ones are Bubble and Fruit, and he likes mixing these together or riffing on them all the time. So basically he has about a gazillion ways to NOT call me by my actual name, and seems to come up with a new one every week.
Incidentally, that’s the origin of my DW name: Pancake –> Pankakez –> KKZ.
My husband is Bear as well! But, it’s not just me who calls him that. Even amongst his friends, he’s known as Bear. It always throws me off a bit when I do use his real name.
Our close friends are well aware of the Bear nickname – it’s almost more of a persona than just a name, he is bearlike in appearance and he has a bear paw tattoo. I have only occasionally actually heard them call him Bear directly, but they do share funny bear photos/jokes to his Facebook and stuff like that.
I’m a big fan of using the first letter of the name.Which, weirdly, is what my most recent ex did, but I never really called him by that nickname, usually his full name, so I don’t have nasty connotations with it.
LW1: Having your boyfriend cheat and get someone else pregnant doesn’t need any other problems in order to be a dealbreaker. Move on.
LW2: I initially was wary of the nickname thing because I felt like the lack of exposure to the real name wouldn’t really help her get used to it, and would have her in the same boat in a few months. But based on everyone’s examples, it definitely is a good idea if he has a name that can be given a nickname easily, like Jonathan or Thomas. Not sure about if he has a name that can’t be shortened, though.
LW3: Use birth control. And of course your boyfriend isn’t happy he has two children on the way. If he did, I’d be worried. I’m with Wendy. Don’t be guilted into having a baby you don’t want and aren’t ready for because of your medical condition. I’d also dump the boyfriend. Dating guys who have new babies with other women isn’t fun.
LW#1: MOA. Your fiancé is apparently a father (surprise!) and with that comes responsibilities and a lifelong connection to the woman he cheated on you with, at least on some level, and a lifelong child to boot. If you don’t want to deal with that, it’s completely understandable, but your fiancé has to deal with it, and you cannot expect him not to. MOA to someone who respects you enough not to knock up someone else while you’re planning your wedding.
LW#2: The nickname idea is a great one, but I probably wouldn’t tell him why you’re doing it. Like everyone else said, if it still bothers you are a few months, then you have a problem, but I’d work really hard on not letting your bad memories of your ex ruin a relationship that you think may be going somewhere.
LW#3: I really hope this is fake. In case it is not, endometriosis or not, only pregnancy or not, you have to seriously think about giving this baby up. Maybe this is your only chance for a child, and that’s sad if you want more. However, this baby is going to be a person, not a thing for you to use to “keep” your BF, and that person deserves better than to be raised in an unstable mess of a situation involving multiple baby mommas, 3 irresponsible adults who cannot manage birth control, and a mother who is more concerned about how her BF is going to take the news of her pregnancy since he thinks it would suck to have two babies on the way at the same time than worried about how she is going to actually take care of this baby. Nothing in this letter indicates that you can take care of this baby, LW. If you decide to keep it, you need to drop the BF, forget the baby mamma drama, and figure out how you’re going to support this baby.
I love how LW1 justifies getting back with a guy despite cheating and empregnanting because they don’t have any OTHER problems. What kind of other problems do you need? Does he have to be a murderer or something as well?
It’s like saying he is so healthy except for the cancer and diabetes…
LOL I love this analogy!
*impregnating
“I confronted him and he apologized, and, since we didn’t have any other problems, I accepted his apology.”
Well that’s that then LW#1, no other variables to consider about the future at all, well done. Your relationship is so perfect I can’t even imagine why you went snooping on your fiances phone!?! You should just leave that honorable, decent man be and keep planning your wedding.
*head bobble-heading in amazement and wonder at the stupidity*
“impregnated another gal. I confronted him and he apologized, and, since we didn’t have any other problems, I accepted his apology”
Just because there’s only one problem, doesn’t mean its not a big enough problem to end the relationship. My goodness!
LW2 – I don’t think this is so, so bad actually. Or maybe I’m in denial too, haha. My daughter’s biological father’s name is the same name of the guy my sister is currently dating. It is a bit weird to hear it again, or see it when she texts me something about it. I mean, I’m not telling her to not say his name or anything, but it does make me twitch for a second.
Why do people assume that when someone gets pregnant they didn’t use birth control? Almost everyone I know with an unexpected pregnancy used birth control that failed.
I’d say, in the context of LW#3, it’s a fair assumption. No birth control is mentioned. The LW says she didn’t think she could get pregnant. The BF got both the LW and potentially another girl pregnant at the same time. However, the other girl’s baby might not be the BF’s because she slept with 4 other guys, any of whom who might be the father. Nothing in this letter indicates that these people are regular users of birth control.
I think almost everyone you know is lying, or not using birth control correctly.
I think I assumed that there was no birth control because her BF could have knocked up 2 different girls, and the other pregnant girl could be pregnant by 4 other guys. Also, the statement about her endometriosis led me to believe that she assumed she couldn’t get pregnant, so she didn’t use condoms. (Endo doesn’t prevent disease, and her boyfriend is unprotected and banging at least one other girl who had sex without protection with at least 4 other guys. Yikes.)
I enjoyed LW1’s account of how he cheated on her, and apologized, and she accepted his apology. That kind of quick dismissal is for, I don’t know, being late to dinner and not calling, or saying something rude. Not cheating on your girlfriend of 9 years and getting a woman pregnant! MOY
Its teaching him what’s acceptable too. My mom was just saying this last night about a different situation. When you teach a guy/girl what is ok to do to you, you are waving the green flag to continue to let them do it and get away with it.
Haha, it’s like when little kids first learn they can get away with with things with some big eyes and a “Sowwy” afterwards.
Amen to this.
YES. You teach people how to treat you. I am pretty easy going by nature but I think one of the biggest lessons that I will learn from my divorce is that you do have to set boundaries often and early, no matter how unconfrontational you are. In a perfect world people would just know the correct way to treat you, but if they’ve never learned you really do need to let people know what you’ll put up with.
A little bit of a threadjack, but all these accidental pregnancies made me think of this. I’d say about 50% of the time that I start dating a new guy and the first time we’re about to sleep together, he does not reach for a condom but starts going like he’s going to just put it in. WTF? Then I have to stop him and be like, um no, where’s the condom? Forget STDs for a second here which are of course also a huge concern, but aren’t you afraid of an accidental pregnancy? Do you really want to get me pregnant the first time we sleep together? Where is your head???
Seems to be a general good check on guys. If they are the kind to reach for a condom without me asking, they are usually the ones that prove themselves to be the better man!
I once asked a guy if he had been tested or used condoms with the women he had slept with before me and he replied with “no, I trust the girls I sleep with.” I was like WTF what does that even mean? No one purposely spreads STDs (or at least no sane people) so what is he trusting that they are/aren’t doing?
If I wasn’t already pretty aligned for a career in science, I would become some sex ed missionary (no pun intended) and spread the knowledge of safe, healthy and respectful sex around the USA. Situations like that upset me so much. I would do conferences, and workshop, and meetings, and everything you can think of.
It’s so stupid that in 2013, some people still use “magic thinking” about their health and possible childriend. Ugh !!!
I wonder if these guys just had bad sex ed or what… how do you reach adulthood and not understand that you can get pregnant from sex the first time, and every time?
I have only had one guy give me the “but they just don’t feel good” response. You know what else probably won’t feel good? My pushing a human out of my vagina. Now go get a damn condom.
I’ve met two different people who actually thought that 2 condoms were better than one. It was mind boggling.
hahah LOVE IT. It’s actually really sad. But in my sex-ed class in high school (we actually had fantastic sex-ed) our teacher kept repeating “2 condoms are not better than one! The friction will make them break!”
Actually, my sex ed teacher said it was a “trend” back in the days, because apparently the sensation is a bit different. It was also caused by a general lack of knowledge about condoms and contraception, so some couples would freak out and think “one condom is totally not enough, what about the sperm goes through a tinny hole in the condom ????”
I think it’s that they just assume all women are on Birth Control. Or at least I hope that’s what they’re thinking. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and go with that, because otherwise, it’s like they don’t even care if the girl gets pregnant and that’s her problem to deal with.
It’s insane to me that people aren’t more concerned about STDs!!
Right?? I’ve actually always been more worried about STDs than getting pregnant.
I mean I am on BC and have been since before I was sexually active. But… idk, I like to see guys take a little responsibility for their own not-making-babies rather than expect me to have it covered.
That’s not really the benefit of the doubt because relying on an assumption when you could simply ask is really stupid. Particularly when the result could be a child.
Maybe I’m extreme or something, but those STI pictures in high school really did a number on me and made me realize that I never, ever wanted to expose myself to one. (We also had a quiz where we had to match the STI with its nickname and a picture of genitals with an outbreak. I think that did it for me.)
THIS IS WHY WE NEED SEX ED! Turns out, grad school in psychology covers a fair amount of sex ed, but I like to think I was well informed before that. I have some very smart friends, though, who are just not. They take stupid risks or rely too much on Plan B and they almost never get tested! I’m like, who are you people?!
We had pretty much zero sex ed in my high school, but luckily most of my friends were well informed enough on their own (thank god for both the internet and Loveline, which was big in my high school) to make smart choices and avoid any ‘oh shits’.
My husband and I talk non stop about my cycle since we are taking the fertility awareness method of birth control so every time we have sex it’s like “okay, do we need a condom tonight, let’s see”….I can’t imagine having sex with someone without talking about all that stuff. Maybe guys just assume that girls are on the pill?
Also, I have to ask (and sorry to continuing with the threadjack) but how do y’all deflect dudes when you are on your period? Do you stop them and say “yeah, not a good night?” or do you just do it anyway and they don’t care?
I’ve always warned guys, but never met one who cared.
Maybe shouldn’t share, but Peter’s always cared. I always found this surprising because no one else ever has cared. I guess if I said I really wanted to, he would, but knowing he cares makes me not want to. Less sexy I guess?
That’s really interesting. I’ve never met a guy who wasn’t bothered it. I nag my husband every month about it and still nothing.
I just tell him that I’m in the Red Tent as a joke, or “men-stroooooo-ating” as another joke, or “my body is syncing up with the moon” as another joke, or the simple but classic “I’m on my period.” Not a big deal.
Easy. You get a mirena so that you don’t get a period and you can fuck without regard 365.
For reals. This is my method!
I’ll usually say something like, “might be bloody!” but no one’s ever cared. I would be very put-off by someone who did care, actually.
Why would you be put off? Because its like him saying gross? It doesn’t bother me.
To me, it indicates someone not being able to handle the messiness of sex? Sex is messy. Blood makes it messier OBVIOUSLY (& sometimes my boyfriend & I will mutually decide sex is not worth needing to clean up a murder scene afterwards), but if someone straight-up just ~wouldn’t~ fool around with me at all while I’m on my period, I would say good-bye to them.
I know other people don’t care—I know a lot of women who don’t like having sex, themselves, while on their period—but it’s one of my weirder dealbreakers, haha. It’s probably because I’ve never encountered anyone who’s cared (I think I’ve mentioned on here before, even being oral sex’d upon by people while on my period…) so I would just find it very, very odd & off-putting for someone to be like, “Oh, it’s that time of the month? Nope!”
TMI TMI TMI sorry haha, today is a very TMI kinda day for me, I guess
I cannot imagine oral sex during my period.
Yeah, even I was kinda like, “WHOA OKAY, if that’s what you want to do!”
Hmm, I think if I really wanted to, I know that he would, so maybe that’s why it doesn’t bother me. I get your point totally though.
I’d be put off because my period lasts 4-5 days – out of every 28. That’s like 15% of the time the guy wouldn’t want to have sex with me. F that.
I actually don’t care to have sex when I’m on my period. I’m kind of grossed out by it. So, I guess I have the opposite problem and would be like “really, I’m off limit for a few days,” if the dude wanted to.
I am the same way. I do not feel sexual at all during the first few days. The end “trickle” part, sure but otherwise it’s a no go zone.
I always feel SUPER
My top two most in the mood moments are when I’m on my period, or pregnant. Haha.
um let’s try that again..
I always feel SUPER sexual when my period starts, even with the cramping. I always wondered why, because evolutionarily, that makes no sense? Aren’t I supposed to be ovulation-horny?
Yeah, usually you’re horny mid cycle. I get it bad the 3 or 4 days leading up to my period, but once aunt flow comes into town I shut down. Hard core. Like not even wanting to make out.
My husband knows, and he keeps his distance voluntarily. Sometimes if it’s at the end we’ll go for it, but never in the first 2 days.
LW1 – please, please don’t get in the way of this man having a relationship with his child. That child did nothing to you.
What 29-yr-old woman calls other women “gals”???
I propose that LW1 is actually Ginnifer Goodwin’s character from He’s Just Not That into You. Or a 70 year old man.
I was wondering that too. And yet again, she’s been in a relationship with the guy for 9 years and is planning to marry him and he’s still “this guy” that she’s been “dating”. What’s up with this? Two letters like this in a week.
Carrie Bradshaw! Drives me nuts!
Haha LW2….i have something similar….i dated three guys named mike and they all turned out to be huge dicks….the first mike cheated on me repeatedly….the second mike not only cheated on me repeatedly but also put me down all the time, checked out girls while i was sitting right beside him and other similar type douchy behaviour….about two years ago i started dating the third mike….seemed ok until he dropped a bomb on me the one day that he had a kid, but didn’t pay child support (even though he had tons of money to spend on weed every day)….the best was when he came over for dinner one night, so i order some pizza and wings (which i paid for) and then as he was leaving my house he goes into my fridge and takes the leftovers! gah!….so if i never date another guy named mike again i think i will be ok! LOL!
Ugh… The first and last letters make me want MANDATORY abortions…
That last letter just makes me sad. Birth control is not even MENTIONED, & she’s so glib about “oh, he got this girl pregnant, & now *I* might be pregnant too! Sooo crazy!” Like—NO. This isn’t some cah-razyYyyYy “twist” in a reality show, this is your life & possibly 4 other lives. What the fuck? These letters don’t usually unnerve me so much, but Jesus. Fuck!
Sometimes when I get a text from my husband John I jump and go “John Stamos, is that you?” or “John Kennedy Jr? I thought you died in a plane crash?” Keeps things interesting and funny!
Oh man, I had a dream last night were I made out with a guy who looked like John Stamos…
Sooo, because the doc said it would be really hard for you to get pregnant you decided to not protect yourself?
I would not keep the baby… and maybe check that you didn’t get any STD’s… i mean your bf had unprotected sex with a girl who apparently slept with 5 others guys more or less at the same time ? Maybe you should also teach him how to use a condom no? and get yourself some bc pills or something
Not to pick yours out of the crowd, but if its shaming to say “I wouldn’t X” than I wonder why its ok to say I wouldn’t keep the baby. Is that shaming all the babykeepers? Like, where do we draw the shaming line. When’s it ok to say I wouldn’t do X?
Yes! How does saying what you would or would not do equal a judgment or shaming of someone else who chooses differently?
I wasn’t trying to shame her or anything. I’m sorry if it came out that way. There is nothing wrong with keeping the baby if that is what she chooses to do. But she needs to understand that it’s going to be very, very hard. Especially (or is it specially?) since it doesn’t seem like the bf here would be of any help.
I think that’s LBH’s point…You aren’t being jumped on for shaming her but I am…even though we both we talking from a personal view point, rather than making a judgment/telling her what to do. (correct me if I’m wrong, LBH.)
Oh. I sort of read the comments. Personally, I don’t think you were trying to slut shame anyone.
I think the issue here is that this girl is having unprotected sex(which maybe wouldn’t be an issue if the unprotected sex was happening in a monogamous rs where chances of spreading stds are lower). Could care less with how many ppl she sleeps with.
I do care about the fact that she is having unprotected sex with ppl, and that this ppl are in turn also having unprotected sex with others. I do not think it’s ok to go around spreading stds. The same way I don’t think ppl that are sick should go out and sneeze all over the place without covering their mouth/nose.
No, no, I know you weren’t. The thought just entered my mind reading your comment. I should’ve posted it upthread where the discussion was. I totally agree with you.
Yeah, & to add, STDs STILL EXIST. LWs out there? Everybody fucking everybody without even thinking to put on a condom? You realize that someone can have an STD, & YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO EVEN TELL. There aren’t always, like, festering sores. Especially for HIV, the “worst one”— a lot of the time, there are ~no~ fucking symptoms! Maybe think about that??
UGH. I’m sorry to be all like this today, & obviously there’s no SHAME in contracting an STD, but for reals, preventing them used to be something people worried about? I feel like kids these days are just, “ew! STDs are only for dirty people! Why should I use a condom?”
LW1: This is the only problem you have had? I highly highly highly doubt this. MOA.
LW2: I get this, and I like Wendy’s advice, but give this bf a chance.
LW3: Being a single mom is tough. Are you ready to do this? You need to tell your bf or make a decision regarding your child. Is he responsible enough to work a job that pays enough to care for two children? Are you responsible and mature enough to raise a child, get up at all hours of the night, go through labor, deal with your child having a sibling that is not from you, be polite and kind to your child’s sibling’s mother? Depending how far along you are, you have options.
Also, rarely does keeping a child to keep a man ever work out. At 18, you might have your high school completed, but what about college? What about a career?
You have to think beyond yourself, beyond the moment, and try to imagine what life will be like with an infant, with a toddler, etc., as you get older. Do you really want this at this point?
Seriously. This dude is on the road to being one of those guys that is on the news for having 14 kids with 12 women or something, and she’s going to be left holding the bag.
This is getting more and more common. I know two different males that knocked up more than one woman around the same time. And it is always drama and crazy
Side note – I really wish we could find the thread where “fucking without regard” came from because that was one of my favorite off topic dw discussions ever. AP is such a skankbomb. Where’s investigator JK when you need her?
somebody i won’t say who was a skankbomb last night. and that’s all i’ll say on the topic about that someone.
Fine I’ll out myself. I participated in skankbomb activities last night. And I liked it. So suck on that.
Am I the only one who wants details?!
Apparently. But thank you for asking. Do you follow me on instagram? If so go to my page, and my most recent picture is with new boy. And I kind of lurve him. Or his body. And we might have had standing up sex last night, which is my new favorite position. So there’s that.
I kind of wish this was a deleted thread. But meh. This is me owning my skankbomb activities.
I wish this was a deleted thread, too. I’m saying all kinds of shit today.
(Also, I want details too!! I thought we were friends on FB—which is how I was gonna stalk your Instagram after reading your comment—but I can’t find you?)
Tell me who on DW you’re friends with, and I’ll post a comment on their page right now. Or, my profile picture is me snowboarding with a baby blue shirt and pink bandana on. And I’m friends with Katie, Rachel, AP, Catsmeow, LBH, etc.
Maybe your name isn’t what I think it is??
And I’m friends with all of those lovely people, as well! So just pick one, & I’ll see it 🙂 haha (or I’ll just stalk their friends…)
Okay I’m picking LBH – I’m writing on her wall now…
Okay friend request sent!
I’m def feeling special now.
Nevermind, I don’t have the patience for stalking through their friends for a hottie in a blue shirt & pink bandana snowboarding
I should have a friend request in. I think it’s a pic of me and my little gray cat.
how does one find your instagram? i don’t have one.
I’ll message you on facebook and give you my username… and then you’d go to instagram.com/username… I think. Or just search in instagram for my username.
Nice!
Have fun, and be safe!
Oh AND we’ve decided we’re still currently on our 3rd date, because we’ve hung out every single day since then. Sooo thank you everyone for suggesting we take it slow, I am currently doing the exact opposite. But seriously – he stopped by my house and played with my dog yesterday because I told him I was stressed out about getting off work late. If that’s not love I don’t know what is.
That is super sweet of him. (And I agree he’s a hotty but I told you that before.)
How did you meet this guy? I must have missed a big update from you because I didn’t even know you were getting divorced for sure until you mentioned it.. today? yesterday?
Theattack your’e so far behind! I have two separate forums about it! Both under general chat I think. I filed like a month ago and moved out about 3ish months ago.
And I met him at the pool (while drunk – but it was memorial day!) about two weeks after I filed. We have a lot in common in general, so we started talking about going on runs together (we’re both training for long runs) and he called and asked if instead of going on a run I wanted to get drinks. So then I did one Saturday afternoon. And by get drinks it turned into have 3 margaritas, and then a week later he took me to dinner. And then a few days after that we went to dinner again… and then we’ve hung out every day since. Soooo my life is strange.
Wow, that long ago?! I AM really behind. I knew you moved out, but I thought you were still undecided about how to proceed. I’m glad things are looking up for you! And I second GG – he’s definitely a hottie!
I second theattack and GG now that I see him—hottie, hottie!
Thanks I think so. It is weird to date someone that short though. I’ve never dated anyone under 6′ and he’s maybe only a few inches taller than me when I have high heels on. But height isn’t really a factor when you’re laying down. HAYO.
I’m dying of laughter from your HAYO. I’m imagining you high fiving yourself after a great romp. Hahahaha.
Not to brag, but we high five each other afterwards way too often. haha.
Haha I absolutely high five myself after banging. Probably the number one thing I need from a partner is the ability to not be weirded out by my randomness. Like the other day when I told him I wanted to lick his life. And bang his soul. And he finds it endearing, haha.
Well, you really should’ve maintained on forum post. Its hard to keep track. FFS people. 1 topic = 1 forum.
And in other news, today my work crush said “hi and excuse me” as we passed by each other through a door. Progress. At my rate, I will be married with babies… in 50 years. While iwanna will be tomorrow.
Sigh.
Where IS JK??
update: i’m told that was in a deleted thread.
How fucking dare you bring that up! 😉
That was a classic DW day. And I also miss JK.
That was classic. So so funny. I think it should go down in DW history. Along with the toothless groomsman. I wonder if his teeth have grown back yet btw.
Told by who? By JK??? WHERE IS SHE HIDING
I also miss TheOtherMe tremendously. Where the hell did she run off to?
Oh come on, enough with the absurd, anti-sex shaming comments in this thread. If anybody SHOULD be sex shamed its somebody having unprotected sex with five people in but a few weeks. Not to mention the much needed and warranted stupidity shaming…
Is this coming from the guy that thinks the reason guys cheat is because women don’t put out enough? And now one is putting out and you’re mad?
Honestly it’s the unprotected part. Hey, if she’d been using condoms I’d have zero problem with it….
exactly.
How about focusing on the irresponsibility and selfishness of those actions instead of the fact that sex was involved?
LW 1: Walk away. Seriously. If this guy really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have CHEATED on you. He wouldn’t have hidden a CHILD from you. If you marry this guy, this child is your STEPCHILD. A child he is obligated to take care of in a legal sense. Which means, at the very least – money. He is still being deceptive by talking with this woman behind your back, when in all honesty, he should be talking to her in front of you because the decisions he makes with her WILL affect you should you choose to stay with him.
Just walk away. You have plenty of time to find Mr. Right, not Mr. Right-now-because-my-biological-clock-is-ticking.
LW 2: The fathers of my first two sons have the same name (both M), one of which I married (my 1st husband, who was an abusive ass). I also have a friend since jr. high named M. It took a few years for me to get used to saying my friend M’s name without thinking of my ex-husband. M is a very popular name.
My recommendation to you is to let your new guy friend know. Just explain to him that it’s YOUR hang up, and not his fault at all that you have this mild PTSD-like issue when seeing/hearing his name. Then – go make new, better memories with this new guy. I promise you, eventually, things will get better. Whether it’s therapy or the new memories/experiences or a combination – you will have better reactions to the name.
LW 3: You are pregnant, which means you need to act like an adult. I’m very sorry you are in the situation you are in. At 16 I was pregnant and the father had a baby on the way with another woman. He told everyone that she slept around so he wasn’t sure the baby was his. Funny, when he dumped me, he said the same thing. It was just his way of trying to get out of responsibility.
Whether or not this other girl slept around or not, your boyfriend is taking responsibility for the child (his comment of “Well, that would suck to have two kids on the way at once. I don’t want two kids.” tells me he claims responsibility for the other child).
The first thing you need to do is see a doctor and make sure that you are healthy. A lot of things can make a woman give a false positive at-home pregnancy test. Your number one priority is YOU, not your boyfriend. You need to make sure that you are healthy enough to carry to term (should you choose to carry), that the pregnancy is viable, and that you are getting proper care from the get-go. Your boyfriend’s feelings are very low priority. In fact, they aren’t a priority at all. He knew all too well what can and does happen when you have sex.
This community is very supportive, one way or another, of what women choose to do with their pregnancies. If you choose to keep your child, please be prepared to potentially raise the child alone. I am not with the fathers of the children I had at 16, 18, or 20. I only have a relationship with the 3rd one’s father (we are friends after our divorce). He may run. You need to be prepared to lean on family to support you through your pregnancy and the first few years. You may need to alter your education plans to accommodate a baby/young child.
If you choose abortion, you need to decide on whether you want to tell your boyfriend, who you want as a support system, and what you are going to do to ensure you don’t have another unintended pregnancy.
If you choose to keep the baby and miscarry, again, you need to pre-plan a stable support system ahead of time, just in case.
I wish you the very best of luck. I know how hard it is to have a hard time conceiving and carrying to term, especially with an unsupportive/unwilling father (potentially) in the picture. Keep us updated. Whatever you choose, remember – it really is your choice, and whatever you choose is really the best decision. Honestly.
So I’m the LW with the name hang up. I’m loving the advice, and actually in the 3 weeks since I wrote to Wendy and when this has been posted, it is actually getting better. I think it did just take some time and new memories/thoughts to help it get better. I might try the nickname thing, at least in my phone. One thing Wendy did take out of my letter is that I noted I very RARELY ever think of my ex, until now. I was in therapy after my dad’s passing and the breakup and it certainly helped. I never addressed the “name issue” though as I didn’t realize it would bring up feelings. Luckily new guy actuallt goes by the shortened version of the name so that’s a built-in help.
My husband is in my phone as a nickname. It makes me smile every time I see it. Good luck!
LW 2: My ex-husband, who I have children with, and current husband have the same first name. When I started dating Chester #2, I was smitten with him but horrified that he had the same name as my ex, so I addressed him by his last name. After several months and realizing that we were pretty serious, he asked if I would be willing to call him by his first name. I thought about it and realized that he was the most important Chester in my life. I had replaced a lot of the negativity associated with “Chester” with happy feelings, and switched to his first name. Now, I address both as Chester, but refer to my ex by his last name in conversation for clarity’s sake.
My husband is still in my phone as because the key strokes are easier and it keeps those embarrassing “selected the wrong contact” mistakes to a minimum.
It took a little time to change the associations attached to “Chester” from sad/angry to happy/love, but it happened. Give it time.