Shortcuts: “Ugh, My New Guy is Only Two Inches Taller Than I Am!”
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
How has dating buff, tall guys worked out for you so far? I’m thinking maybe not so great? But, sure, by all means, throw away an opportunity with a guy you say you feel like you “love” because he’s only two inches taller than you and doesn’t have as many muscles as guys you’ve dated in the past. Something tells me that you might be doing the guy a favor.
Forbidding your husband to talk to half of humanity because they have vaginas is bonkers. If there’s a legit reason you don’t trust your husband, deal with it together. If there’s not a legit reason, then find a way to get over your insecurity and your jealousy and your lack of trust — Therapy! Making friends and getting out! Pursuing hobbies and interests! Boosting your self-esteem through regular exercise, a healthy diet, flattering personal styling, and setting and accomplishing professional and personal goals! — before your new husband becomes your ex-husband.
It’s a good indication that he is not available to you for a relationship, whether because he’s not interested, he’s involved with someone else, or he lacks the self-confidence to develop anything further than an online friendship. MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS.
LW 3…good at shopping?? That’s just odd. Regardless MOA.
Like, did you buy him a gift? Anyway, my guess is he has a girlfriend or wife… possibly they were on a break when you started chatting but got back together. This happens all the time.
Or you may have come off as too serious too soon, with things you were saying and possible gifts, and he was just in it for casual chat so he bailed.
Or, and this happens a LOT, the guy isn’t actually looking for anyone to date, just wants the positive attention he gets from someone who’s interested in him.
This is why the rule in online dating is to chat once or twice, then meet up. If they don’t want to, cut them loose. Otherwise you waste tons of time on guys who a) are never interested in meeting you or b) are interested in you but you end up not having in-person chemistry.
“Good at shopping” is a thing?
LW1-One of my closest girlfriends is 6’1″ and her husband is 5’9″. She has a love of high heeled shoes so there are times were she is half a foot taller than him, and it honestly doesn’t bother either of them. They are happy, their personalities suit each other, and they just welcomed the cutest baby girl a year and a half ago. As Wendy said, don’t throw away the potential for a wonderful relationship for something as minor as height – also feel free to rock high heels if you like, people honestly don’t judge any woman that is taller than her partner.
My friend’s kid sister just got married after dating a guy for only a few months. My friend didn’t seem to like the guy very much. I asked him if he had any good qualities – and the only response was that the groom was taller than the bride (who is about 6′).
Ouch – I was always confused by friends dating people because of height (girls who would not date short guys and guys who would not date tall girls). Of course, I am only 5’2″ so would be hard pressed to find a guy that was shorter than me so maybe unless you lived with it, it is hard to fathom.
With regard to LW2, I think she’s talking about her husband hanging out at strip clubs not just talking to random women in public…? I know a lot of women have hangups about strip clubs which is definitely an insecurity thing or a projection of other issues in the relationship. I’m not the sexiest woman alive, but I am certain my husband likes me for qualities other than just my boobs (although he doesn’t hate my boobs, they’re just not the world’s best boobs and I think we’re both ok with that), so I don’t really worry about who he’s looking at. I don’t worry that some stripper is going to steal him away because a) I don’t worry that anyone is going to steal him away and also b) strippers are just trying to make money and pay their bills like everyone else with a job… the idea that they’re also looking to steal patrons away from their wives only exists after the words “Dear Penthouse Forum.”
That said… I think that if it was a regular thing/how he chose to spend every Friday night, it would probably give me pause. Not really out of jealousy but more like… are you capable of having fun in an environment that doesn’t treat women like exploitable sex objects? What does that say about his character and the character of his friends?
I wouldn’t like it either, for a number of reasons. Exploitation, the expense, and yeah, respect.
I didn’t get the impression it was a strip club… unless in other parts of the country, clubs and lounges are code for strip club. A club is generally a place with music and drinks and dance floor. A lounge is more intimate. Probably no dance floor.
Maybe not. If we’re just talking about going to public places and talking to opposite sex members of the public then she’s definitely way out of line. What is he supposed to do, never leave the house?
Yeah, I’d have a problem with frequent trips to a strip club. But a run of the mill club a couple times a month with a buddy who is single, I wouldn’t mind, as long as the husband wasn’t dancing it up with someone. Talking is fine though. Might as well help his friend meet some girls!
It’s really not much different than a sports bar. Men and women also mingle there.
I’m not even sure I’d necessarily take dancing off the table there though, personally. I mean, I’m not talking bumping and grinding and hands all over each other’s private parts, but I could see being a wingman for a single friend and dancing with a girl’s friend so she doesn’t feel left out when my friend dances with her friend, you know? You can dance and goof off and have a good time and still not give the impression you’re looking to go home with anyone.
Now, if it’s a strip club, I’m a bit more conflicted, but only if “talking” is code for “partaking in lap dances.” If it’s making small talk with the waitresses . . . . I mean, a lot of strip clubs will kick you out if you’re just taking up space and not buying anything even if you came with a friend, so I could see trying to appear involved enough to keep the bouncers away.
I was wondering about that too – are we talking a typical bar, a singles pick up bar, or a even strip club? If it is a traditional bar than she is being controlling, but if it is a singles bar or a strip club, I could understand her annoyance. I also wonder if the friend is single and uses the LW’s husband as a wing man.
Even if it’s not a strip club, “talking to girls at a club” is different from simply speaking to female people. People go to clubs for various reasons, but my understanding is that going to a club and talking with someone of the preferred sex is typically for the purpose of flirting, finding a hookup or date or whatever. Obviously you can speak to someone and not do those things, but if I went to a club (which I don’t because I’m too old) and approached a guy, it would only be if I were interested in him.
LW1…well, aren’t you shallow as all giddyup…
LW1: You felt like you loved him after internet chatting? I can’t even but whatever. You feel bad for not being attracted to a good guy, that doesn’t do it for you physically? Not your fault, MOA. “You just don’t know” because you hardly know this guy yet, maybe give him a chance.
LW2: WWS for the most part. However, why don’t you go with him sometimes? Do you like dancing and socializing in this fashion? Is he going to these places with his buddies for the express purpose of talking to and dancing with other women? Do his friends have significant others? Couples usually need boys’ and girls’ nights out, but that doesn’t mean a pass to flirt with and grind on randoms in da club. Is that what is happening?
LW3: WWS
ON LW1 ,I’ll strongly dissent . If you’re not attracted to non-tall guys, dump him and let him find someone who is attracted to him rather than staying with him out of guilt. And Wendy’s “how has that worked out for you” is bullsh*t. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’ve automatically been making bad choices.
Re LW3, is “good at shopping” some kind of code I haven’t heard of?
Well, I think it depends on whether or not her issue is actually with him, or her issue is the idea that she’ll look silly with him or that she’s “supposed” to be with a guy a certain amount bigger than her. The former you can’t get over, the latter yo can. I’d suggest another date or two of forgetting about society’s expectations, and just focusing on the guy and if she has chemistry. As someone who’s dated shorter guys, I see where she’s coming from and it does feel weird at first when every example of “couple” that we see has the guy being quite a bit bigger.
Yeah, Wendy has said many times that physical attraction matters. But it sounds more like LW1 has an idea in her head of what her bf should look like and he doesn’t fit it, vs being completely turned off by this dude’s appearance.
Many people have a physical “type” but that doesn’t mean they can’t be attracted to a whole person in a different package.
Totally concur. The other stuff in LW1’s note does suggest that she doesn’t quite have her head on straight (“feeling like she loves him” after 2 weeks of talking online). But the issue is a tricky one of how long you should date someone where the personality compatibility is there but you’re not yet sure whether the attraction could be. You should stretch yourself and your preconceived notions of what you can be attracted to, and many people (myself included) can become more attracted to people over time because of their personality. But at some point you shouldn’t string someone along that you’re not attracted to, just because you think they’re a great guy and you wish you were.
I don’t know whether she’s “really” attracted to tall men or she’s suffering from societally-imposed false consciousness, but height is a pretty common attraction feature for women. No, it’s not universal but it spans pretty much every culture.
It’s never a bad idea to cultivate self awareness about your preferences and dating tendencies, but it may just be that that is what she likes. She doesn’t otherwise indicate that she’s attracted to this guy.
So LW1 – are you attracted to this guy? Even if you aren’t wildly attracted to him, is there at least something there? If so, go on a few date, and see if it grows from there. It’s fine to have a type, but there are always exceptions to the rule, so don’t shut yourself off from someone just because they don’t fall into your normal type.
But, if you’ve met him and felt nothing, then yeah, don’t waste either of your time anymore.
LW1: If you just can’t bring yourself to date a shortish man, then don’t. But reconsider your ideas of what “love” means to you, because you don’t feel it for this guy if his height (even though he IS taller than you!) is a deal-breaker.
LW2: I can see how it would bug you to think of your husband flirting with or even dancing with other girls. It feels like he’s living the single life when he goes clubbing, right? Maybe you need to go along sometimes with your girlfriends so you can all have fun together.
LW3: If your online match won’t meet after a week or two, move on. If you can’t even get him to commit to a single date, you have no future together.
Ugh, none of these people are even worthy of my advice. They aren’t even interesting enough to earn my wrath either. Have a good weekend everyone else.
LW 1 -Most “buff” guys don’t stay buff forever. If you spend a lifetime with someone their beauty will fade and so will yours.
I can kind of understand the height thing, I have always liked tall guys, too. If he was only few inches taller than me that wouldn’t be a deal breaker though, as long as he was somewhat taller than me. It is a preference and I understand that, but if I REALLY liked someone I think I would get past it.
LW2- I can kind of understand because most bars no matter what kind they are are meat markets with people looking to flirt. I wouldn’t really like it if my husband did that, but I would accept it. If you have trust in your marriage and he always comes directly home…
Why don’t you find friends you can go out with and do the same? If he can do it, so can you!
LW1: How would you feel if he was wondering the same-maybe your breasts aren’t big enough for his liking, or they are too big for him? Or he normally prefers blondes, but you have dark hair.
Unless you are really not attracted, let it go.
LW1: A part of me wants to try to “convince” you that other qualities are more important than height, especially if you’re at all looking for something like real or long-term or whatever, but a part of me also agrees with Wendy. If he’s that amazing, he deserves someone who cares more about that than how tall he is. I have a friend who only likes guys who are like 6’2″ or taller and it blows my mind. It’s still shallow, but I can see how women find taller than them attractive, but I don’t really understand what the additional several inches of height does. And as someone who is old enough where all the men I meet are married, I can’t imagine being arrogant enough that I felt I could toss someone away for something like that.