Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

This week in the forums, we’re discussing:

I went psycho during a breakup

Boyfriend lacks boundaries with teenage daughter

I don’t understand how he moved on so quickly

Do I have to friend my sister-in-law on facebook?

My daughter’s potential father is in jail

Family Secret?

Should I take the job?

Charging my ex-girlfriend rent?

Dresscodes

What does he want from me?

Problems with boyfriend’s bereaved children

Was breaking up the right thing to do?

Don’t know if I handled a situation properly

Anyone going on awesome dates?

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

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Jackson and me, Mother’s Day, 2012.

This weekend is Mother’s Day, and while for me it’s a happy day I enjoy, I keep in my thoughts all the women for whom this day can be challenging to get through. I’m also thinking about the brand new moms out there — the ones who will be celebrating Mother’s Day this year for the first time on the other side — as a mom. The first year of motherhood is pretty intense, to say the least. After the jump, twelve moms share what they wish they would have known as brand new moms that might have made the transition a little smoother.
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I’m a 35-year-old female and was with a 37-year-old male for two and a half years. He ended things about a year ago, saying that he still loved me but needed to figure out his life and how to be ready for a relationship. In the time that we have been broken up, he has gone to therapy and gone back to school to try to get his life in order.

Now he is coming back wanting to get back together and it is something I really truly want, but there is a small twist. He is in a professional-level band with another woman who, throughout our relationship, caused a lot of problems – admitting at least two times to him and once to me that she had feelings for him, saying she didn’t want me around at certain times because it “ruined the band dynamic,” inviting him to things like weekend yoga retreats without me, and throwing ego fits if I was somehow involved in band business. At 34 she has never had a real relationship, and I felt a lot of times that she used him, emotionally at least, as her boyfriend. My ex had a really hard time putting up boundaries with her for fear it would ruin the creative spirit of the band, and he would make excuses for her behavior, saying things like “she does not really want to be with me, she is just confused,” and “I’m not attracted to her so it doesn’t matter how she feels.”

While we were together, I tried to be understanding of the situation since they worked together and it wasn’t going to end anytime soon. The problem was that they would do band things sometimes 40-60 hours a week, or go on week-long writing retreats together where he and I would barely talk, and then they would make sure to take time to have “friend time” to “find a connection outside the band” without me. I tried to find ways to bring harmony to the three of us, figuring out things we could all do together or sitting down to have hard conversations with her when her ego would be out of control, but I didn’t would more often find myself bending to what she wanted because she would use the fear of loss of band harmony to get him to do things her way. There was no relief from her, she was always there. When we broke up, knowing that she would no longer be a part of my life was like letting out breath that I didn’t even know I was holding.

The rest of our relationship unrelated to her was actually really wonderful, we were able to communicate on a level that I have never had with anyone, we managed to have fun no matter where we went, and our chemistry was out of this world. Aside from fights related to her, our only fights stemmed from the fact that he was afraid of commitment. Now that he wants to get back together, I find myself so torn between wanting to say yes and not wanting that tension back in my life. I know that taking him back means opening the door to her as well. He is still in the band with her, and although he and I have discussed my feelings several times since we ended things, he still has trouble understanding why I would be bothered by her. Is it fair for me to ask that he cut her out of his life? Or even just cut her out as a friend while still maintaining a professional relationship?— Missing the Music

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Many of you are fans of Alison Green, the “Dear Abby of the work world.” Last week, between updating her wildly popular website, Ask a Manager, promoting her new book, Ask a Manager: How to Navigate Clueless Colleagues, Lunch-Stealing Bosses, and the Rest of Your Life at Work, and writing her weekly advice column, Ask a Boss, for The Cut, she was gracious enough to answer a few questions for me about navigating interpersonal relationships in the workplace. Below, Alison addresses whether and when it’s ok to date a coworker, rules about inviting colleagues to weddings, and one of the most prevalent mistakes people make at work (and how to avoid it!).

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I’m 42 and expecting my first child. The baby is due at the end of December, and my boyfriend’s teammate at work (a girl with lots of single friends) and close friend of many years is getting married (in another country) the third week of January.

I am upset that he wants to go to the wedding, so far away from where we live, so soon after our baby is due. Not only am I nervous about being alone to take care of the baby at only three weeks old (he thinks that if I have help from my mom or nanny I should be fine), I’m very insecure about the fact that I am going to be overweight, I will not have had sex with my boyfriend for a month at least, and he’s going to be alone with unlimited alcohol and partying with gorgeous bikini-clad women.

I know that that’s insecure, and I can’t help it. I’m 42, pregnant, and emotional. I’m feeling insecure right now.

I already suffer from clinical depression and I have spoken with my therapist about the probability that I will have postpartum depression as well. I’m really afraid of being overwhelmed with the depression after the birth. My boyfriend is very attractive and is in the gym four times a week. I know that, at 43 years old after giving birth, I will be feeling overweight and uncomfortable with my body. I feel like he should be more considerate of my feelings and want to be there for me to comfort me and make me feel loved and beautiful and important after giving birth to our first child.

Is it unfair for me to be upset with him about wanting to go and party for a week with these friends instead of staying home with me to help me with the baby? — Mom To Be

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