“Should I Pay the Money I Owe?”
The next day, I had an extra ticket for a concert and invited her last minute and she said yes. I told her, “This is great — we’re even now. I gave you a ticket (which was worth $120) and you gave me a dress (worth $125).” On the way home she actually agreed with me and never said anything further. (During the concert she did not offer to buy me a drink, food or even give me some money for the ticket).
A month has now gone by and I received a text from her asking if I could leave money for the dress on her boyfriend’s dresser. I texted her back and said I thought things were squared away when we spoke the night of the concert. She told me she thought I was joking and that she never would have taken the ticket if she didn’t believe it was free. She then said it was too late to return the dress and I have to give her the money for the dress as she no longer wants it.
What do you suggest I do: pay her the money and move on so I don’t cause tension between my boyfriend and his roommate? Or, should I stand up for the fact that she didn’t contact me for a month and now expects me to pay for not only her concert ticket but the dress as well? — Issue to A Dress
Sorry, I have to side with the roommate’s girlfriend on this one. You agreed to pay for the dress and you never did. If you thought the concert ticket should count as payment, that should have been articulated in the invite, not expressed once the girlfriend was already on the way to the concert with you. The fact that she didn’t offer to buy you a drink doesn’t mean anything. In fact, considering that you still would have owed her five bucks to make it an even trade, you should have bought *her* a drink if you believed she had agreed to let the ticket be payment for the dress. But, regardless, she did not agree to that — at least, not in seriousness.
Sure, you could argue that she did agree, and you might eventually win the argument. But at what cost? Is $125 really worth potentially driving a wedge between your boyfriend and his roommate? Is it worth feeling tense every time you and the other girlfriend are both at your boyfriends’ apartment at the same time? I say suck it up, give her the $125 and be glad you are apparently in a position to buy dresses and concert tickets without too much worry about how to pay for such things. Not everyone is so lucky.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW – Wendy is completely correct. You need to pay for the dress and I think I would throw in an apology to the other girl for the confusion just to make sure everything is smooth between you two.
For some reason, this made me think of Sobriquet. Anyone hear from her lately?
I’m reading the second paragraph a little different from Wendy. To me it sounds like the LW said the stuff about being the ticket being an even exchange for the dress when the friend agreed to go to the concert, and then reaffirmed they were even on the way to the concert.
LW, I think you should talk with the friend in person, polietly and tell her your confusion again. If my interpritation of the events is correct, then I don’t think you owe her any money. Perhaps you can meet in the middle?
I’m kind of confused as to why she thought the ticket was free. I think like Wendy said you should have been explicit about the price up front, and asked if she’d like to trade one for the other. I think it’s odd that she agreed and then backed out, but maybe for some reason whatever you said or how you said it led her to believe that you weren’t serious?
This is why I try to never owe friends money, things like this happen and you run the risk of ruining the friendship when people get ‘confused’ and then angry. I would pay her the money and vow to never do anything similar or if you do be very, very explicit from the beginning what the expectations from both parties are.
Agree with Wendy. If I’m reading correctly, LW, you said this sort of on the fly, on the way home from the concert? Because (I’m speculating your motives) you were put off by her not offering to reimburse the ticket, or offer to pay for drinks?
I mean, you invited her last minute. The ticket was “extra”— why should she pay you for that, whether or not she gave you a dress worth a similar amount, on a different occasion? I’m just not understanding your logic, here. A physical item is not equal to the experience you gave her, a concert implied to be a “treat”. Just give the $95 and apologize for being weird about the whole thing.
It sounds like there was a lack of clarification on whether this concert ticket constituted payment. In fact, the way the letter is written, it sounds like you thought it up on the fly. (Not sure if that’s what you did, but that’s how it reads.) As for her not buying you a drink, maybe she didn’t have the money and was too embarrassed. She did just spend a bunch of money on dresses, after all. Maybe she couldn’t have afforded to go to this concert if you hadn’t invited her. Or, maybe it just didn’t occur to her. Who knows? Anyway, you owe her the money. Pay up and next time you make a deal, make sure the terms are clear.
I see this as the LW had an extra ticket and didn’t purchase it intending to be the payback. To me, this makes a difference. It’s as if the LW was out of the money anyways and decided to make it back by inviting the roommate’s gf. I’m not saying this is wrong – but to not clarify beforehand is. To me “hey I have an extra ticket, want to go?” implies you are counting it as a sunk cost and doing something nice. It really irks me when people do this stuff because many times, people would rather have the money than whatever it is you are handing off at no cost to you. Next time, negotiate upfront or just write the check and if a spare ticket comes along, sell it or invite someone who you think of as your guest and not your payment.
You know… when I have an extra concert ticket, and I mean like I’m going to this concert… not one of those, “I have these tickets but I can’t go!” … I would not make someone pay to go with me. If I weren’t going, then I would sell the tickets. But since you were going, I’m sure she thought you wanted her to tag along for company.
Also, unless it involves meals, I find “trades,” extremely tacky. Pay her. You should’ve done that to begin with. I’m sure she’s been thinking you were going to pay her for the dress for the last month, and since you haven’t, she finally decided to bring it up before a significant amount of time has passed.
So yeah, pay her and move on. I’m definitely siding with your bf’s roommate’s girlfriend here.
LW, pay her back. Reading the letter even from your viewpoint, the ticket sounded like a free offer. When you have an extra ticket that will go to waste if not used, and ask someone to go with you so that it doesn’t go to waste, I think it very much sounds like a free offer. Like, “I have a gift certificate for this restaurant that’s expiring tonight, want to go?” sounds like an offer of a free dinner. If you wanted her to buy the ticket from you, you should have been VERY clear about that WAY before the concert. Not to mention that you already promised to pay her back! I just can’t see how she would think that by accepting the ticket, she was agreeing to call it even. Making a light-hearted comment about it on the way to the concert, when it was too late for her to back out, changes nothing. Frankly, it sounds like you were about to lose $90 and duped her into not only rescuing you from TWO debts/losses in one fell swoop.
Honestly, if I were the other party here, I would feel duped by the LW.
Wendy is right.
You owe her the cost of the dress… The way you offered up the ticket definitely made it sound like you just wanted her to come. Then, once she said yes, you pulled a bait and switch by saying “Great! Now we’re all square!” Look, it’s all VERY possible the roommate’s girlfriend had little interest in attending the concert but was going simply to be polite and out of an effort to be friendly…
Yeh I would pay here. I’m sure that if the gf was given a clear choice between cash or a concert ticket, she would’ve chosen cash.
The problem isn’t the type of deal (I see no problem in exchanging two goods of equal value) but the problem is that you didn’t make it clear up front thats what you wanted to do. Think of it from her point of view, she gives you a dress, you offer to pay for it and then invite her to a concert. Wow! A new friendship! This is awesome, she thinks. Then, on the way to the concert, you drop the bomb that the concert she is attending with you is not in fact free, and you now have no intention of paying for the dress. She can’t just ask you to stop the car and let her out because you no longer want in on the deal, so she’s stuck. $95 is a lot of money, she probably needs it. Pay up and be more careful next time when you make a deal.
I disagree I think you are even. She had a dress she couldn’t use, you had a ticket you couldn’t use. Either of you could have chosen to return/sell them to get the value or more but choose to give them to eachother. You basically traded. Did she respond like it was a joke when you mentioned being even? If not and if the principle is worth it I would tell her no.
LW should have made it clear that the ticket was being offered as a trade for the dress, at the time of offering the ticket. It does not sound like that was the case here.
Maybe the GF felt awkward at the time about saying she didn’t consider it a trade for the dress, especially if the LW said it during or after the concert.
ok, everyone, can we talk about a much more pressing issue here- who the hell just willy nilly buys tons of clothes that dont fit them?
Whatever you do – do NOT let the boyfriend/roommates get involved in this.
So here is my actual advice: It seems there is about a 75% split saying that you should pay back the money for the dress. Regardless of how you feel – I think you really should to keep the harmony. Even if she’s being a sneaky little shit and in her heart of hearts knows she agreed to call it a wash after the concert – that’s not what she’s proclaiming now. So I think you need to give her the money. You don’t want this to build resentment. But that also means you should give her the money and then yourself not resent that fact. Just let it go. Give her a check, smile, and ask her if she wants to watch an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Roommate stuff (although I get that you two aren’t exactly roommates – but your boyfriends are so it’s kind of the same thing) can get out of hand quickly. And since the majority of the people agree with her you just need to pay her and let it go.
Return the dress to her. LW is out a pricey ticket, over what might be a miscommunication, but it goes both ways. Girlfriend can give the dress to somebody else.
I understand what you mean about the concert. If she thought she was getting a ticket for free, why didn’t she buy you something at the concert. That would be the courteous thing to do, if she was under the impression that you were going to still pay for the dress and she didn’t have to pay for the ticket. I would talk to her and put everything out there nicely. The fact that she bought this up months after probably means she’s hard up for money. Even if you agree on a lesser amount due to a free concert ticket and the miscommunication, the both of you might feel better after that.