Updates: “Cold Feet” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Cold Feet” whose 44-year-old boyfriend of a year and a half still lived at home, had a massive amount of debt, and only worked part-time because he kept failing the bar exam and couldn’t secure a full-time job. “He wants to marry me and has given me an engagement ring, but I am having cold feet because of his debt. I don’t feel safe starting a life with him. I am not the type to go in 50/50. I think the man should be the sole provider.” Keep reading to see if this couple is still together.
After our two-year mark together and seven months of his being into his new job, I noticed a change in his personality. He went from being a sweet, caring, kind, respectful person to a non-present, disrespectful guy. I wondered why he changed. Was it all a facade? Were his true colors finally coming out? So I decided to break it off with him. I thought to myself: Why would I be with a guy who is 150k in debt, has minimal savings, and still doesn’t make enough money to move out, let alone support a marriage, AND, on top of it all, is disrespectful, too? I would have to be out of my mind. He suggested we go see a therapist so I agreed, thinking the therapist could aid in the assessment and our need to mutually break it off. The therapist recommended that we take one month off with no form of communication with each other and to not talk about it with our friends or family. He wanted his engagement ring back (probably because he got the vibe that I wasn’t happy with him and always lacked the safety and security a woman needs to feel with her man) and the therapist said to him to hold off on that until after the month of reflection.
We were supposed to go back to the therapist individually and then again together after the one month of no contact. I went to my appointment and the therapist said that he didn’t make his (as he had the appointment the week before mine). Long story short, I came to find out he suffered a subarachnoid hemorrhage and was in the hospital. I was in total shock and grief. He apparently told his cousin about our relationship problems against the therapist’s recommendations and the cousin blamed me for what happened to him and didn’t allow me to visit him at the hospital. But I spoke to one of his uncles (who is very level-headed) and so I managed to visit him when the cousin wasn’t there. It was heartbreaking for me to see him like that. I was so affected I had to take off from work due to emotional distress. The uncle asked for the engagement ring back, so I returned it.
I understand this is how and when my story was meant to end with him, but so unfortunate that it happened the way it did. He is now in a rehabilitation facility. I think about him and pray for him daily to regain his health. I just want him to be well and live a life he desires. But he has a long journey ahead of him.
Another thing I forgot to mention is that he had accommodations for the bar exam (a separate room, laptop) and extra time (three hours a day for six days instead of the normal six hours a day for three days). It never occurred to me to ask why he got these accommodations until I recently researched it and came to find out that you have to have a disability in order for the California bar association to give you these maximum accommodations. So it made me wonder why he wasn’t honest with me about his mental and physical health, especially since he wanted to marry me. Isn’t that wrong to do? Not that it matters anymore, but, in retrospect, I see that he told me a lot of white lies.
I do believe in karma and that you reap what you sew, but I truly don’t think he deserved to get sick like this. I just wish he had been as open and honest with me as I was with him from the get-go. So here I am, two months out and back on the market for a meaningful relationship. I’m emotionally exhausted.
If you’re emotionally exhausted, I think you probably should hold off on jumping back on the market. Take some time to self-reflect. Continue seeing that therapist, and focus on how and why you ignored signs that your ex had some disabilities about which he wasn’t explicitly forthcoming. And you could think about why it’s so important to you to be financially supported, 100%, and why, if that’s the case, you agreed to marry a man who was $150k in debt and had never held down a full-time job. You need to take some responsibility in the choices you made, in the way you willfully ignored signs that perhaps this wasn’t a great match for you and that this man may have needed more emotional support than you were prepared to give.
His getting sick isn’t about “karma.” What on earth do you think he did to deserve being sick? What white lies did he even tell you? It seems to me the worst he did was withhold some information and you were eager to accept whatever he told you and not press for more because you were so desperate to believe he was the man you’d been searching for, despite very obvious signs to the contrary. You are as responsible in the demise on your relationship as he is. Own that, embrace it, and learn from it. Until you take ownership of your decisions and your behavior, you will not find the relationship you’re looking for.
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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Okay… wow. Yikes. Just yikes!! This letter is the WORST update EVER! Hello! LW? You, my dear, are living proof that karma is a sad and deluded myth. For fuck’s sake you somehow even made HIS illness all about you…
.
Gag.
Vomit.
Barf.
WWS! So much blame being passed around here. Your boyfriend not being totally honest with you about a disability did not lead to his having a brain hemorrhage, and your leaving him didn’t cause him to have it either. He had a medical issue with a medical cause.
If you’re still bent on finding someone who can support you, then you should really only date rich, successful dudes in the future so as not to waste the time of regular folks.
Holy smokes.
i’m scared for you! karma is going to get you!
“Extra time (three hours a day for six days instead of the normal six hours a day for three days).” Either way that’s 18 hours, so while it was time framed in a different way, he didn’t receive “extra time”.
And, of course he didn’t deserve to get sick.
Out of curiosity I did a web search on the California bar testing accommodations… it’s hard to know how strict they are, but examples given include everything from major illnesses to learning disabilities.
Maybe he got the accommodation for something that the LW knew about but dismissed as minor, like back pain making it difficult for him to sit for 6 hours a day or dyslexia.
Yeah, that would make sense, since he didn’t actually get extra time but time broken down into smaller increments.
Everything about this update just depressed me.
“I understand this is how and when my story was meant to end with him, but so unfortunate that it happened the way it did. .”
That is so creepy.
There’s a super nice guy that’s commenting on another letter right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him and he’s looking for a good woman to take care of 1950s style. Maybe you two should meet. Because karma.
*spit take*
Amazing! Yes this LW seems like the right kind of Old Fashioned Woman for the Good Guy on the other thread.
Hahahaha perfect!
This is why I published this update today — thought it was a good complement to the reignited thread and the good ol’ boy commenting on it.
Lol! I had a feeling that might be the case. You’re awesome.
There’s a lid for every pot, they say!
I would love if they wrote to Wendy for each other’s contact info and we had ANOTHER update regarding their nuptials!
From the LW:
Well this changes my mind completely. LW you were absolutely right in continuing a relationship with a man you knew was wrong for you ages ago, you were even more right in forcing it to the point of therapy when again, ages ago, you knew he wasn’t right for you and disparage him every chance you get. Nothing like an all caps rant to really push the point of who is in the right. Because that’s all that matters isn’t it, that you’re right?
I get it. He said he was an attorney, you saw dollar signs, and then when it turned out to be a lie you…. stayed with him for a few more years. I take it back, I still don’t get it.
P.S. you know who definitely wouldn’t have time to take you to the dentist while you had a cold? A big, fancy attorney. There’s a balance between financial support and emotional support. Very few people have the resources to provide both in the quantities you seem to crave.
BGM – participation award! LOVE. IT.
SS – the notion that all attorneys bring in big $$$ is a big fat lie. Which makes this update even more eye rolling. Big law firms have trimmed their rolls. High paying jobs go to ivy league-ers. who worked on Law Review. Everyone else gets legal review work at $22 an hour.
Yeah, CNN just had an article about the 15 highest paying jobs, with Anesthiologist being #1. Radiologist and GP were also on there. So was Sales and Marketing Director. Attorney was not. You want a doctor or a guy with a good track record in Sales, not a lawyer.
Medicine is a high paying profession, yes, but many graduate with a ton of student loan debt which puts at least a small dent in that big fat paycheck.
Could it be– gasp– that you can’t tell the health of a guy’s stock portfolio solely by what he does for a living? It’s almost as if they’re trying to make it difficult for the LW to bag a sugar daddy!
Actually, LW, I now wonder at what point you revealed your own learning disabilities to him? (That update was a mess of poor grammar.). Oh — snd just when exactly did you clue him into you being a gold digger?
I also sure do hope — for your sake!! – that you havr tits and ass to die for — as that’s what it takes to be a trophy wife. Somehow, I rather suspect you are more of a “participation award…”
I also sure do hope — for your sake!! – that you have tits and ass to die for — as that’s what it takes to be a trophy wife. Somehow, I rather suspect you are more of a “participation award…”
Not Miss Congeniality anyway.
His bad finances have left her so desperate she can’t even afford to fix her caps lock.
LW. I do agree that with feeling secure in a relationship if I am “taken care of”. Now that means a lot of things. Sure I would love to be at home with my children (when I have them, if) and would avoid going into a situation (be that having children or being with someone) if I felt that might not be an option. THIS is because I hated not having my mother home as a child, she often worked two jobs, and didn’t want that for my children. That being said if it didn’t work out that way, then, oh well, but I would go into a relationship with that shared goal at least, a desire to have mom home with the children regardless of it becomes a reality.
All that being said, being taken care of is not just about money. My ex of 10 years and I took care of each other. Sometimes he supported me financially in certain ways, sometimes I supported him financially. When I wasn’t working when the economy tanked I did EVERYTHING for him. The man once called me to ask his ATM PIN number. I felt that was what was right and I cared about him. I wanted to take care of every single thing for him since he was helping me financially. I have also taken care of him through health issues, as he has with me. I have on the side of my full time job ran three companies he has owned for no pay to get them off the ground. Happily. Give and take.
I think you may be confusing financially taking care of someone with someone who will stand by you and take care of you, while you take care of them, through it all.
I think if you rethink your goal to have someone who is your PARTNER and who cares for you the way you care for them, you might just find the right kind of person.
I see why people are complaining about that comment but I suspect that isn’t quite the reality of what you mean.
I remember the original letter and how confused I was that a woman in her 40’s with her own career could possibly think that a man should be the provider. I’m even more befuddled by the update and all caps update.
LW you missed the first window to find a sugar daddy. At 40 you need to start looking for men in their 60’s who have either recently divorced or are widowed. They will have kids. They will take Viagra. They will want you to take care of the home and in return they will give you a credit card. The women in their circle of friends will cluck at you behind your back because they know precisely why you married him.
If you’re not already in Scottsdale AZ or Boca Raton FL – it’s time for you to move.
Good luck.
Geez, no wonder he didn’t tell you about his disability. (Which I take to be a learning disability?) He probably thought you’d judge him too harshly for it and wanted to try to pass the bar without you finding out about it. If your financial neediness comes across so strongly in these two updates he probably felt it all along in your year+ relationship- which is sad. I feel sad for the guy, frankly, that he was involved with someone as superficial as yourself for so long. Hopefully he makes a full recovery.