Ale

“If he wanted to make it work he’d tell you what the obstacles were and then talk about ways to overcome those obstacles so that the two of you could be together”

That is exactly how I feel. There are ways to say things and room for negotiation. But I don’t think he sees it like that. If he had just told me that he is not ready because he thought that we still need to work on some issues, I would understand. For example, saying that he doesn’t like X or Y thing and how can we go around this? And there’s still a year or so before my original timeline, so plenty of time. I wasn’t asking him to move in today, I just wanted to know because I want to start planning a trip to Europe and could use a timeline for a budget.

Anyways… I don’t really know what to do because I don’t know if I want all of those things. Moving in is the logical next step and many friends are doing that or getting engaged, so I don’t know if it is just peer pressure or if I really really want that. I do want a future with him though.

As for red flags, I think the same, words need to be followed by actions. However, sometimes you have words and actions that follow and then nothing. It was like that with my ex. Took me to see houses and a month or so later suddenly he wanted to be alone. So, you actually never really know.

Turns out my boyfriend of two and a half years just told me that he is afraid of commitmment. He is not ready to get married or live together. And he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready. Otherwise, the relationship is normal. In the beginning he used to tell me that he wanted to marry me. We have discussed wedding stuff before, houses, things we would like eventually in a house or a place together so this comes out of the blue.
I dont know if I want to get married eventually, so that’s not an issue, but I thought we were coming close to at least moving in together and having a place together, in a year or so. When I ask for timelines he doesn’t know. Things are good the way they are but I don’t know if this is a deal breaker. So, yes I’m struggling because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should keep waiting a couple years until he’s “ready” risking that he will never be (and in a couple years I’ll be 34-35) or if I should just end it now.

Thanks.

I think it is a mix of things that start happening and that’s when you know. When you know, you know. It is about imagining a future, thinking of that person when you first wake up, and then when you’re going to bed, when something cool or sad happens to you and the first person you want to tell for joy or comfort is him/her, etc. I remember with my boyfriend one time when I needed to help my grandma with something on a Sunday very early in the morning and he happily volunteered and joined me, helped me and just made me feel like he wanted to be there and help me, even if he had to get up really early on a sunday. That’s when I knew.

I second what Wendy said, some people who ghost after saying that kind of things did it very early in the relationship. Maybe at the beginning it was awesome and then it got moving too fast. I’m not justifying people who ghost, it is a horrible thing to do, but saying that one has to be very careful with that kind of displays very early on in the relationship.
Also, I hate when people complain about being ghosted, but the minute said ghoster shows up again is like nothing happened.
A friend of mine had a few dates with a guy who was “great” and “awesome”, I’ve posted about her earlier here. On the second date, they were planning an entire trip together. It all sounded awesome but I kept seeing red flags everywhere. For instance calling an ex of him a “golddigger” because she was a “model” making my friend feel like crap. Also, planning a trip the second time they saw each other, WTH.
After a few dates, a trip planned, dates already lined up, the guy dissapeared from the face of the earth. He totally ghosted her. She was very sad. And then the guy reappears, like a month and a half later, telling her that he has been busy, asking her out again and acting like nothing happened. And my friend goes and buys the whole bullshit again, goes out with him again a couple times, and then, yes, he ghosts her again.
He reappeared a third time only to tell her that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and to just be friends.
So, please don’t do as my friend. I mean, it’s super rude to be ghosted and for a person to reappear as if nothing happened because said person has been “busy” (in 2017, FFS), no. Just don’t. If a person is that rude once, it is not good to keep them in your life.

Because she’s not asking here IF she should ask, more like HOW TO ask.