A new one from the forums:
My concern is one individual in particular. He’s a roommate of two of the people I want to invite, a work colleague of another, and probably most importantly my best friend’s boyfriend. I simply don’t like him how he and my friend alienate themselves as a couple and avoid any sort of social interaction (which, as she’s my best friend bailing out on events, has become stressful). He’s never wronged me so I don’t have a legit reason to distrust him, but after almost six months of him dating my best friend, I don’t even know the guy and have no interest in starting now. I don’t like that I never see her without him in toe…aka I never see her, it feels like.
I’ve heard everything from “It’s your home, your party, you have the right to invite who you wish” to “Not inviting him is a big mistake and you’re just going to make your strained friendship worse,” but at the end of the day I really can not stand the thought of them making out on my couch or blowing off the event just to do “whatever.” Hell, even the idea of him simply knowing where I live I don’t find appealing.
I’m known for having a hard time articulating myself, and really wanna find either a new solution or a way to express the only solution I see: don’t invite him. — It’s My Party and I’ll Diss Them If I Want To
Well, you get the award for one of the more childish letters I’ve read recently (with the exception of all the people getting knocked up in hopes of getting their FWB to commit). You don’t want the party to be a secret; you want very much for news of the party to get back to your BFF, whom you don’t plan to invite, and are seeking validation here that that’s a good plan. You hope that when she finds out that you had a private party with 20 of your closest friends but didn’t invite her, she will be hurt, just like you’ve been hurt the last six months since she started dating her boyfriend and fell off the face of the earth.
If you want to ruin your friendship possibly forever, this is a good plan. If you want to communicate with her that you’re sad, that you miss her, that you wish she’d carve out a little time for you, there are much, much better ways to do that than alienating her the way you plan to.
I guarantee that if you throw this party and don’t extend an invite to your BFF and her boyfriend, she will find out. I can guarantee that she won’t be like, “Oh, no biggie! We probably wouldn’t have gone anyway, so it’s all good.” No, she’s going to be hurt. And pissed. Because she’ll know, as well as everyone else, that this is a passive-aggressive move to exclude her. It’s a really sucky thing to do and not something a friend does.
I’m not saying she’s been a model friend to you lately, but, look, sometimes when people start new relationships, they disappear for a while. They “alienate” themselves, as you say she’s done. It’s not cool and it sucks. But not as much as you throwing a party and not inviting her. That sucks worse.
If you’re truly looking for a way to articulate your feelings, here’s an idea: talk to your friend. Call her up. Tell her, “I’m throwing this party this summer and I’d love to have you there, but I have to be honest, I actually thought of not inviting you because the thought of you blowing me off like you have been lately was really hurtful. I hope you don’t do that. I hope you come. And I hope we can start seeing more of each other. I miss you. I miss our friendship.”
And then, for God’s sake, make an effort to get to know her boyfriend (and that means inviting him to the party, too, which should go without saying). Maybe he has redeeming qualities. Maybe, just maybe, he makes your friend really happy, which should be reason enough to at least tolerate him if not fully embrace him in your social circle. Wouldn’t you want your best friend to be happy for you if you found someone who made you really happy? Wouldn’t you want her to extend an olive branch and make an effort to get to know your new partner? And wouldn’t you want her to be understanding, as best friends should be, if for a few months you got a little lost in a couple bubble and weren’t as available as usual? Wouldn’t you want her, instead of throwing a party and not inviting you because she’s jealous and hurt, to call you up and say, “Hey girl, where you been? I know you’re in love and that’s great, but I miss you and want to catch up! Coffee soon? Drinks?”
Yeah, sure, it’s your home, your party, your right to exclude the person you call your best friend. It would also be her right to say, “Eff you” and never talk to you again. Just because something is your right doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.